It’s my fault, what just happened, with the bridesmaid. I should have seen it coming. I did see it coming: I knew there was trouble brewing with that girl. I knew it when I gave her her breakfast this morning. She held it together during the ceremony, even though she looked like she wanted to turn and bolt out of there. Afterwards, of course, I tried to keep my eye on her. But there have been so many other demands on me: the guests were so insistent, so rabid, that the waiting staff – all mostly older schoolkids and students on their summer holidays – could hardly cope.
The next thing I knew, there was the commotion, and she was in the water. Seeing her I was suddenly transported back to a different day.
Powerless to help. Having seen the signs, but ignoring them until it was too late. Those insistent images in my dreams: the water rising, my hands reaching out as though I might be able to do something …
This time rescue was possible. I think of the groom walking out of the water with her, saviour of the day. But maybe I could have prevented it from happening at all, if I had paid more attention at the right time. I am angry with myself for having been so lax. I managed to keep a veneer of cool professionalism in front of the guests, for the time it took to marshal them all into the marquee for the wedding breakfast. Even if I hadn’t kept such a firm hold of myself, I doubt anyone would have noticed anything was amiss. After all, it is my job to be invisible.
I need Freddy. Freddy always makes me feel better.
I find him out of sight of the guests, in the catering area of the back of the marquee: plating up with a small army of helpers. I get him to step outside with me, away from the curious gaze of his kitchen aides.
‘The girl could have drowned, out there,’ I say. When I think about it, I can hardly breathe. I’m seeing it all, how it could have happened, playing out before my eyes. It is as though I’ve been transported back to a different day, when there was no happy ending. ‘Oh God – Freddy, she
could have drowned. I wasn’t paying enough attention.’ It is the past, all over again. All my fault.
‘Aoife,’ he says. He takes a firm hold of my shoulders. ‘She didn’t drown. It’s all OK.’
‘No,’ I say. ‘He saved her. But what if—’
‘No what ifs. The guests are in the marquee, now. Everything is going to go perfectly, trust me. Go back out there and do what you do best.’ Freddy has always been good at soothing me. ‘It’s a minor blip.
Otherwise everything is going beautifully.’
‘But it’s all different to how I imagined,’ I say. ‘Harder, having them all here, wandering about all over the place. Those men, with their horrible games last night. And now this – bringing it all back …’
‘It’s nearly done,’ Freddy says, firmly. ‘All you have to do is get through the next few hours.’
I nod. He’s right. And I know I need to get a grip of myself. I can’t afford to fall apart, not today.
