December
I LIMP INTO the apartment after my study group, an hour late and feeling guilty about it. I call out an apology to Tucker as I swing inside, my arms full of books and a small bag of groceries, which contains only half the items I was supposed to bring home an hour ago. “I’m so so sorry. I had my phone turned off and—”
The rest of my excuse dies in my throat when I find Tucker’s mother in my kitchen.
She turns a death glare in my direction and speaks up from her spot behind the counter. “John went to pick up some things from the store. He tried to text you to see if you’d pick up the items on your way home, but you never answered.”
Her words are colder than the winter winds off the bay. I shiver under my down coat.
“I thought you weren’t getting in until Friday,” I stammer.
“The wedding I was supposed to style was postponed, so I decided to take advantage and come early. That way I get to spend extra time with my granddaughter.”
“Oh. Cool. That’s…cool.”
I’ve turned into an idiot. I can’t help it, though. Tucker’s mother is so damn intimidating. I haven’t seen her since that disastrous visit over the summer, and even though Tucker texts her daily and arranges for video chats between her and Jamie, she hasn’t once asked to speak to me.
“Why were you late?” It’s an accusation and we both know it. I gulp. “I was in a study group. Finals are coming up.”
She nods toward the living room. “I suppose that’s why the place isn’t as clean as you’d like.”
I follow her gaze with deepening dismay. This week had gotten away from me, and the apartment shows every bit of my distraction. The kitchen cupboards are embarrassingly bare. Dishes—clean at least—are stacked on the counter. I was going to put them away tonight after Jamie was fed. In the living room, textbooks and outlines and supplemental study guides take up every available surface. Jamie’s bathroom—the one Mrs. Tucker will be using—looks like a hurricane. Everything is terrible because I thought I had two more days to fix it.
Which is what I say to her. “I planned on tidying up before you arrived.”
Her arched eyebrow conveys that my excuse is embarrassing. “You’re trying your hardest, aren’t you?”
The dagger strikes deep. My hardest isn’t good enough in Mrs. Tucker’s eyes.
Breath tight in my chest, I slowly toe off my boots and make the short trek across the open-concept room toward the kitchen, dragging my stocking-covered feet with each step. The apartment is bigger than my childhood home, and on most days I’m giddy over the space, but Mrs. Tucker has a way of vacuuming up all the air in the room.
Silently, I put away the milk, eggs, and butter. The convenience store was over-priced, but it was close by and I was feeling a little desperate. Now? I’m feeling small and incompetent.
“Is Jamie with Tucker?” I ask. The apartment’s as quiet as a study carrel at Harvard.
“She’s in her crib sleeping,” Mrs. Tucker says tersely, not glancing up from the onions she’s chopping.
I make an attempt to smile. “Did you enjoy seeing her in person for the first time?”
“What kind of question is that? Of course I did. She’s my only grandchild.”
My half-hearted smile fades. I gulp again. Oh God, this visit is going to be brutal.
“I’m going to run in and check on her.” I shove a carton of juice in the fridge before fleeing the kitchen.
In the nursery, the unmade bed Tucker and Fitzy had hauled up here last weekend taunts me. The sheets stacked on one end only serve to highlight
my ineptness as a mother and a housekeeper. If those are traits that Mrs. Tucker values in a daughter-in-law, then I’m failing miserably.
Jamie’s sleeping blissfully in her crib, wrapped up tight in her blanket. I resist the urge to pick her up, despite knowing that holding her sweet, nonjudgmental body will make me feel so much better. But she needs to sleep and I have shit to get done.
As quietly as possible, I make the bed and then creep out to join Mrs.
Tucker in the kitchen.
“Can I get you something to drink?” I offer. She has the onions in a pan, and the apartment is filling with the fragrant smell of sweet herbs and tangy garlic.
“No. I’m fine.”
“Can I help you make your…” I wave my hand toward the stove. “Chili?” she fills in. “No.”
Okay then. I lick my lips and consider my options. My first preference is to hide in the bedroom until Tucker comes home, but as my gaze falls on the mound of dishes, I decide that tidying up should come first. Even if I have to make conversation with someone who clearly thinks I’m about as low as a slug.
“Has Tucker shown you the bar yet?” I ask, stacking the bowls first. “He’s done a great job and it’s already making decent money.” Tucker’s Bar has been full since it opened its doors.
“It’s early yet. Most bars fail after a couple of years. It’s not what I would’ve wanted for him to spend his father’s insurance money on.” Her lips pinch. “I would’ve told him that if he’d asked me.”
Good thing he hadn’t. Tucker is clearly in love with his bar. He’s already talking about buying another one since his estimated cash flow from year one would allow him enough profit to invest in another business. He’s a businessman, not a bartender, as anyone who listens to him for five minutes can attest to. He talks about leveraging risk, returns on investments, profit margins, and hidden opportunities.
“I think it’s going to be a big success,” I declare confidently.
“You would think that.” She huffs. “Tucker could’ve bought the realty business back home. He should be in an office, not working in a bar.”
She says bar like someone else might say whorehouse.
“And now he’s living over it.” She heaves another huge, disappointed sigh. “This isn’t what his daddy would’ve wanted.”
I don’t know how to respond, so I turn the conversation to Jamie because surely she couldn’t be critical of Jamie.
“Was Jamie awake when you got home? She’s so smart. We’ve been reading to her every day. I found an article that says if you read to your infant at least two hours a day, she’ll be an advanced reader.”
Jeez. I’m beginning to sound like Nana, spouting off pseudo-facts that are presented in click bait articles as if they’re gospel.
Tucker’s mother ignores my remarks. “Tuck says you’re breastfeeding and that she’s only in the fifth percentile for weight. That sounds dangerously underweight. In my day, we all used formula. It filled those tummies up and helped them grow.”
I resign myself to the fact that there’s not a thing associated with me that Mrs. Tucker won’t find fault with.
Grabbing for the threads of my fraying patience, I say, “Most doctors really push for breastfeeding these days. The mother’s milk is calibrated to match the infant’s needs, and there are studies—”
“There are studies that prove anything,” she says disdainfully. She flicks the burner to low and moves toward the sink, where she begins to wash her hands vigorously. “I heard there was a study that said kids who are around alcohol tend to grow up to have a lot of problems. I hope that isn’t the case with Jamie.”
I place one foot over the other and stomp down, hoping the pain will serve as a distraction since grinding my molars isn’t doing the trick. I remind myself that Mrs. Tucker loves her son and that all her criticism, some of it founded, comes from a place of love. Not for me, but for her son. I should respect that.
“We aren’t going to live here forever,” I say with false cheerfulness.
I finish up with the dishes and then swing into the living room. Maybe the distance will keep me from saying something stupid out of anger. That would only cause more damage to the already difficult relationship I have with Tucker’s mom.
If I’m going to stay with Tucker, I need to make this thing with her work.
“Law school is going well. I got in with a great study group. They’re super important because we all help each other see the bigger picture. When I first started, I thought I wasn’t going to make any friends, but it was early day jitters for all of us.” I’m rambling as I tidy up my coursework. “There’s this one guy in my group—Simon—who’s a genius. He has a photographic memory plus this keen ability to really narrow in on the important issues. I get bogged down in the details too much.”
“Simon? You study with other men?” I jerk upright at her suspicious tone.
“Yes, there are men in my class,” I answer carefully.
“Does John know about this?” She crosses her arms over her chest, looking at me as if I’d just confessed to boning another student in front of her son.
“Yes. He’s met Simon. We’ve studied here.” Well, actually at the bar.
My study group loves to come here.
She shakes her head, the red-gold strands highlighted by the kitchen light behind her. “This is…” Another head shake. “Exactly what I expected,” she finishes.
A frown puckers my mouth. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that you take advantage of my son and have been doing it since the day you two met.”
I suck in a breath. “W-what?”
“How soon after you learned about his inheritance did you decide to trap him, Sabrina?” Her expression is colder than ice. “It’s pretty convenient how he pays for everything while you go off studying with another man.”
Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.
I straighten fully, indignation injecting into my bloodstream. It’s one thing for her to criticize my housekeeping. I suck at it.
I can handle her objection to the breastfeeding. I’m concerned about Jamie’s weight too, even though the doctor assures me it’s perfectly normal for breastfed babies to be underweight.
I don’t care if she derides my parenting, housekeeping or mothering skills from one side of Boston to the other.
But I won’t—I fucking won’t—stand for her whispering awful and unfounded suspicions in Tucker’s ear.
I can survive on my own. I don’t need Tucker—I want him. I want him so much that I’d give everything up to have him and Jamie.
With as much dignity as I have, I face Mrs. Tucker.
“I have so much respect for you. I’ve only been doing this mothering sh
—stuff for four months and I’ve screwed up probably a thousand times. It’s hard, and I have Tucker, your amazing son, helping me every inch of the way. I can’t imagine how you did it on your own. But I’m not going to let you insult everything I do in this place. This is my home. Yes, I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. I love Jamie and I love Tucker and if, at any time, Harvard or work or anything threatens their happiness in any way, I would give it all up in a minute.”
Her brown eyes widen.
But I’m not done. “He and Jamie are the most important things in my life,” I say fiercely. “And everything I’m doing right now is to make sure that I keep them in my life, to make sure I can contribute to our family and give Jamie a better childhood than the one I had to deal with, even if it means studying with a man. Who, by the way, is happily married and has two kids of his own.”
There’s a rustling noise behind Mrs. Tucker, and the blot behind her head slowly comes into focus. It takes a second for me to realize it’s Tucker. He’s standing at the front door.
He leans an arm on the doorframe, a smile slanting across his face. “You love me, huh?”
