It was twenty-one days after Brandon’s accident and almost as long since I’d last spoken to Josh. The date of the wedding came and went, and Brandon hadn’t woken up for it.
I spent my time between the hospital and Sloan’s house where I watered her plants and brought in packages. I washed whatever laundry she left when she did her momentary stops at home to shower and change before heading back to the ICU. I checked her mail. I’d made all the calls to her wedding vendors to cancel the wedding until further notice.
At the hospital I brought books, magazines, coffee, and food for Sloan so she never had to leave her bedside vigil for anything trivial.
Then I went home to my empty house.
I cleaned for hours on end. I pulled out the contents of every cabinet in my kitchen and washed it all. I wiped out the drawers in the bathroom. I took apart my bed to vacuum underneath, and all the vacuum lines on the carpet had to be in just the right direction. I detailed the grout in my laundry room. I took a toothpick to the cracks in the stove, and I thirsted for relief from my own mind.
My perfectionism was something I harnessed and cultivated for my own purposes. Something useful that made me focused so I could get things done.
But now it was spiraling. None of the rituals made it better. Nothing shut off the urges or satisfied the feelings of incompleteness. Nothing gave me
control again.
I missed Josh. I missed him like I missed my sanity.
It had become clear, almost immediately, that the burden of saving him from himself was going to fall on me.
After I’d told him it was over between us, he refused to drop it. So I’d stopped answering his calls. Avoided him at the hospital and refused to speak to him when I did see him. Since I gave Miguel his old job back, my garage was empty and lifeless. The smell of Josh’s cologne on the throw pillows on my sofa was so faint it never puffed around me anymore when I sat down.
It was for his own good.
And the beast inside me roared.
Every day it got louder. Nobody could tame it. Josh could calm me, but I wouldn’t let him close enough to try.
Nurse Valerie buzzed me into the ICU. I slid the container of cupcakes across the counter of the nurses’ station. “Nadia Cakes.”
She beamed at me. “You’re too good to us, girl.” She pulled the cupcakes down in front of her, looking over the assortment.
Sloan had assigned me the job of bringing thank-yous to the nursing staff. Donuts, cookies, flowers. I tried to bring something every couple of days. The nurses had made all the difference in this situation.
Valerie tapped her pen absently on top of the clear container and eyed me. “Can I ask you something?”
I leaned over the counter, sorting her pens by color. “What?”
I liked Valerie. She was my favorite nurse. She was no-nonsense. We’d hit it off immediately.
“What did that boy do to you? ’Cause I can’t see any reason on my end why you’re not all over that man like white on rice.”
Josh. Somehow in the last few weeks, the hospital staff had gotten wind of the Josh situation.
“Valerie, we’ve talked about this.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Have we? ’Cause you came off a little evasive if you ask me.”
I shook my head at her. I wasn’t getting into it.
She twisted her lips and gave me a knowing grin. “That man drives you crazy.”
I snorted. “I don’t need him to drive me crazy. I’m close enough at this point to walk.”
She leaned back in her chair, chuckling. “Go on, girl. Sloan’s been waiting for you.”
I turned for Brandon’s room. Sloan sat in her usual spot, a leg tucked under her. She looked good today. She must have gotten good news. She was pale and dark circles cradled her eyes, but she was smiling.
I hugged her shoulders and took a seat in the empty chair next to her. “They’re taking him off the ventilator tomorrow.” She beamed. “Really?”
“They took him off the ICP catheter. The swelling in his brain is gone. The doctor says he’s really hopeful, that his scans lit up.” She smiled down at Brandon, lying there as he had been for the last three weeks. “Kristen, he might be okay. Like, really, really okay.”
Her eyes teared up and I hugged her. The beast retreated slightly.
She put a hand on his stomach. “He’s going to have months of physical therapy. He might have to relearn things like talking. But he’s still in there.”
Valerie came in and Sloan grinned up at her.
“Ready for today’s sedation vacation?” Valerie asked, fiddling with a drip bag.
Sloan was practically bouncing. “This is what I wanted to show you. Every day they lift the sedation a little to see how his vitals respond. Not too much, or he’ll fight the ventilator, but just enough to make him a little aware.”
We sat and watched him for a few moments.
“All right, baby girl,” Valerie said. “Do your thing.”
Sloan smiled and picked up Brandon’s hand. “Babe, can you hear me?
Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”
I held my breath and watched his fingers. They squeezed.
Sloan let out a laugh that pushed tears from her eyes. “Did you see?
Babe, squeeze twice if you love me.” Two squeezes.
Our laughter was the sound of relief. Hers was that Brandon was still in there.
Mine was that she was.
She kissed his hand. “One more day, babe. One more day and then I’m going to get to see you, okay? I love you so much.”
When Valerie put him back under, Sloan’s elation still lingered on her beautiful face. But she looked so, so tired.
“It’s your turn to go home tonight, right?” I asked.
She and Claudia rotated nights in the ICU with the occasional help from Josh or Shawn so they could get sleep in a real bed now and then. Brandon’s parents both had bad backs and couldn’t sleep in a chair and Sloan refused to leave Brandon alone.
She never left longer than a few hours, but the night in a bed always transformed her. She looked like she hadn’t been transformed in a while.
“No, Claudia had to go back to work,” she said. “I’ve done the night shift for the last three days.”
“Want me to do a shift?” I asked. Brandon and I were friendly, but we weren’t close. For this reason, she’d never taken me up on my offer to stay the night. I guess she worried about awkward silences?
She shook her head. “Josh is staying tonight so I can go home. He should be here any second, actually,” she said, looking over her shoulder at the door.
“I should go, then.” I got up.
“Kristen.” She put a hand on my wrist. “He misses you so much. Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”
“I’m doing the right thing for him.” Whether it’s right for me isn’t relevant.
I hugged her one more time and made my way down the hall. When Valerie buzzed me out, Josh was coming in.
It was the first time I’d seen him in over a week. We both froze. His presence was a physical caress, like a gust of warm air.
My eyes pored over him. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and he wore the shirt he’d won at trivia night—he wore the shit out of it too.
It was amazing how anything he had on looked sexy on him. The man could wear a burlap sack and look incredible. I knew just looking at it what it would smell like, and I wished I could put my nose to the blue cotton.
He’d lost weight. His muscles were more defined. His dimples didn’t show, because he didn’t smile.
He looked good—but he looked sad.
He’d get over it soon enough. A few babies from now and he wouldn’t even remember me.
He didn’t make any move to get out of my path. I looked away and walked past him, and he stood like a statue, eyes on me. Then suddenly a hand shot out and touched my arm. It trailed lightly down my forearm as I walked on, across the top of my hand, over my fingers, and then it was gone.
I didn’t jerk away because that would have been acknowledging that he was even there.
But the few seconds of contact moved through my whole body. I felt it the rest of the day.
