My cohabitation situation with Josh was on day five. I stayed in Momโs empty beach house the two days he went to work. It wasnโt ideal. My inventory was at my house and I had to be there to get any work done. The commute was two hours. But he was rightโI couldnโt be in my house alone at night. It just wasnโt safe.
Josh and I had developed a sort of routine. We ate almost every meal together, watched marathons of shows, took turns walking Stuntman, and did late-night food runs. I had planned to stay away from him as much as possible, but there was only the one TV in the living room and the coffee table was my unofficial office. And if we both needed to eat, it didnโt make any sense to do it separately. So we just kind of fell in together.
Every morning heโd patrol the yard for evidence of my creeper. It was seriously fucking hot. Then heโd make us eggs and weโd sit at the kitchen table talking until he had to get to work.
He had just come back over for another two-day stretch. I sat on the steps of the garage talking to him. I wore a tie-dyed shirt Iโd made at summer camp, like, nine years ago with Sloan. I also wore the matching scrunchie. Iโd been digging deep to maintain my homeless-chic wardrobe. It was becoming more and more necessary.
I liked him. I liked him aย lot.
He was fun. When he left for his two-day shift, Iย missedย him. Big-time. This wasnโt good. I needed Tyler to come home.
Josh was telling me about a call he went on, and I zoned out watching him carve an ornate design into the side of a step. I loved that he worked with his hands. It was beyond sexy. I wondered how those hands would feel on my bare skin. Strong and rough.
I thought about that stupid piggyback ride so much youโd think it was foreplay. The press of those back muscles and the warmth of his skin against my breasts. The way he smelled. How easily heโd lifted me. I bet he could do push-ups with me sitting on his back. Then I imagined him doing push-ups over me while I lay on a bed under him.
God. Iโm going straight to hell.
I stuck a finger in a tiny hole at the waist of my shirt and made a tear.
Tyler called. Coincidence? Or did he feel the threat from halfway around the world?
โI gotta take this,โ I said.
The phone call was like an emergency broadcast test breaking into one of my favorite shows. Iโd sit through it because I had to, waiting impatiently for it to be over so I could go back to watching what I was before the interruption.
It sucked that I felt that way.
Iย likedย talking to Tyler. I just didnโt like talking to Tyler when it meant it took away from talking toย Josh. I knew this was wrong. I knew it was unhealthy. And I also couldnโt stop myself from feeling this way.
I hit the Answer Call button and got up and went out to the sweltering sunbaked driveway, out of earshot. โHey, babe.โ
โHi, Kris. What are you doing?โ
โHanging out with Josh in the garage. What are you doing?โ
โGetting ready to seeย you. Eight days.โ I could hear the smile in his voice.
Yes. Eight days. Then it would be theย Tyler Showย I was watching.
โI know. I canโt wait,โ I said, forcing enthusiasm. I studied a crack in the driveway and rolled my foot over a dandelion growing from the crevice, smooshing it onto the concrete, bleeding yellow and green.
โHave the cops gotten back to you? Any updates?โ
Once the danger had been neutralized by Joshโs presence in my guest room, I came clean to Tyler about the attempted break-in. โNo, I havenโt heard anything.โ
โAnd Josh is keeping his hands to himself?โ he asked.
I gazed into the garage and Joshโs eyes flickered away from me like heโd been watching.
I wondered if Josh ever thought of me the way I thought of him, or if my attempts to turn him off were successful. He seemed to enjoy my company, but he never crossed any lines with me. That was a good thing. Because if he ever did, Iโd have to make him leave. Permanently.
โJosh is very well behaved,โ I said, telling the truth. โI mean, I wouldnโt have even agreed to this if he wasnโt Brandonโs best friend. He was prescreened.โ All true.
I left out the part that I had a major crush on him and was enjoying my time with him more than I should.
โWhat does that guy look like anyway?โ Tyler asked.
โJosh? Hot fireman.โ No point in lying to him. Heโd see for himself soon enough. And Tyler was never shocked by my bluntness.
โNot hotter than me, I hope.โ He was giving me that cocky grin of his right through the phone. The guy knew he was gorgeous. He didnโt sound particularly worried.
โItโs kind of a crapshoot, actually. The two of you would really rake it in at one of those โsave the childrenโ fund-raisers where the guys get auctioned off.โ
Iโd go broke at that fund-raiser. For the kids, of course.
He laughed. โWell, tell him I appreciate him looking out for you until I get home.โ
โI will. So whatโs going on over there?โ I wanted to change the subject away from Josh.
โOh, Iโve got a story for you, actually.โ
I arched an eyebrow. Tylerโs stories were great. โMontgomery?โ โHansen,โ he said.
He had two buddies over there, Montgomery and Hansen, who never failed to produce good stories.
โHansen just got back from leave. You wonโt believe what this guy did.โ โTell me,โ I said.
He launched into an animated story about Hansenโs exploits and I smiled, remembering why Tyler and I were able to make a two-year long- distance relationship work. He was great on the phone. I breathed a sigh of
relief that I felt drawn in again and wasnโt impatient to hang up and get back to Josh.
โHeโs got three squad cars and a Bentley parked in front of his house at three in the morning,โ he said.
โFucking Hansen.โ
โI know. He had pictures of the whole thing.โ I could imagine him shaking his head, those piercing green eyes laughing. โThe guy kills me.โ He chuckled.
I sighed. โWhat are you gonna do when youโre not hanging out with these guys anymore?โ Both Hansen and Montgomery had reenlisted.
He went quiet for a beat too long. โWeโll stay in touch. Iโm not worried about it.โ But something in his tone had flattened. โHey, I was thinking we could take a trip to Spain when I get back. Iโd love to show you where I lived when I was a kid.โ
We talked for a few minutes about Spain. Then the phone muffled, like he was talking to someone else. โKris, I need to get going. Iโll give you a call in a few days.โ
โTyler?โ
โWhatโs up?โ
I shot a look at Josh. โI really need you to come home. I miss you.โ โI miss you too, Kris. Talk to you in a few days.โ
We hung up and I stood in the driveway for a moment, looking in at Josh.
I did miss Tyler. The thing was, even though I missed him, I couldnโt reallyย rememberย him.
Tyler dimmed for me during these separations. It was like a dying fire. But it always blazed back up the second he was with me again. And I knew at least some of what I was feeling for Josh was because what I felt for Tyler had become fuzzy and hard to recall over so many miles and so much time.
Josh was present and clear. Ofย courseย he felt more distracting to me. Right? Tyler was a season I hadnโt seen in eight months, and Josh was brighter than the sun at the moment. Thatโs all it was. It wasnโt that Josh was anything special. How could he be?
Josh and I had a divide between us so large we might as well be a different species. He wanted an enormous family, and Iโฆ
I just needed Tyler to come home. Thatโs it. I needed him to come back into my life and blot out the sun.
I needed an eclipse.
Josh looked over at me and gave me his stunning, dimpled smile, and I felt my disloyal heart reach out for him.
Yes, I needed an eclipse.
But then Iโd just be in the dark, wouldnโt I?