OUTSIDE WARDโS OFFICE,ย we can hear him talking on the phone, probably fielding calls from other organizations. Nausea rolls through me, but Hazel slips her hand into mine.
โFreaking out yet?โ I ask.
She shakes her head, eyes steady on me. โNope. I meant what I said about us figuring it out.โ
โYour studioโโ I start, but she covers my mouth with her hand. โI said weโll figure it out.โ
I sigh, nodding, and she replaces her hand with her mouth on mine. I think about her snapping at the security guard to back off while telling me she loved me and I feel like laughing, but then I remember that I might get sent away and leave everything good Iโve collected this season, and the ugly feeling in my chest hardens.
At our side, someone clears their throat, and we break apart.
My blood runs cold at the sight of the man in front of us. โDad.โ
I didnโt even know he was in town. Heโs the last person I want to see right now.
โRory.โ He shifts, glancing between me and Hazel, and for the first time, he doesnโt look like the stern man who raised me.
He looks worried.
Hazel stiffens, removing her hand from mine before sticking a finger in my dadโs face.
โYou,โ she says in a demonic voice. โI have a bone to pick with you.โ My dadโs eyes go wide.
โYouโre the fucking worst,โ Hazel spits out, stabbing her finger in the middle of his chest.
โCan Iโโ he starts.
โNo.โ She pokes him again. โIโmย talking. Your only job was to love Rory, and you fucked up, Rick. You fucked up big time.โ
Sheโs terrifying.
My dad turns to me with a strange expression, eyebrows at his hairline and eyes flashing with pain. Itโs the expression he wore when my mom walked out, I realize, and my chest aches.
โIs that what you think?โ he asks in a low voice. โThat I donโt love you?โ
My exhale is shaky, and I swallow. โI think you love hockey.โ
He takes a step toward me, but Hazel moves between us. My territorial dragon, ready to strike. My hand comes to her shoulder.
โItโs okay,โ I tell her. Nerves are spilling over inside me, but after the conversation I had with my mom today, I know I need to be more up-front with my parents. I canโt run from this with him.
โIโll never be enough for you,โ I tell my dad, โand now youโre trying to trade me away from the only team Iโve ever loved playing for? The only coach Iโve looked up to?โ My heart races. โI donโt want you to be my agent anymore. We want different things for me.โ
He looks crushed. โI thought this was what you wanted.โ He shakes his head, confused. โYouโre not playing your best anymore. When we started getting offers, I figured a new team would get you back to where you were last year.โ
โWhat, fucking miserable?โ A cold laugh scrapes out of me. โIย am
playing my best, but all you care about is the points on the board.โ
He shakes his head again, not getting it. โI just wanted you to be at the top of the league so youโd be happy.โ
Something in my chest deflates with exhaustion. โThat doesnโt make me happy anymore. I donโt know if it ever did. You want me to be you, but Iโm not. I donโt want to be the star anymore. Itโsโฆโ I swallow. โItโs lonely.โ
โLife is lonely,โ my dad says in a flat tone, like itโs a fact.
Our lives are about hockey first, he said on the phone a couple months ago.
โNo, itโs not.โ My gaze goes to Hazel, and she gives me a small, supportive smile. โIt doesnโt have to be.โ Emotion hitches in my throat. โIโll
never be enough for you, but I donโt need your approval anymore.โ
I have Hazelโs, and I have my own. Even if I get traded, I like the player Iโve become this season.
โNot enough for me?โ My dad blinks at me. โYouโreย everythingย to me.โ โEvery game, every pass, youโre watching and making notes so you can call and tell me everything Iโve done wrong. Weโre done with that, though.โ
I fold my arms over my chest. It hurts saying this.
He stares at me before he looks away. Defeat pulls tight in his features. โMy dad never gave a shit about me playing hockey. It didnโt matter that I played professionally or broke records.โ
My grandfather on his side passed when I was a baby; I never met him, and my dad never spoke about him. My mom once mentioned that he was a professor, a workaholic, and an alcoholic. My dad runs his hand over his hair, and itโs like looking in a mirror.
โI didnโt want you to think I didnโt care,โ he says quietly.
He shows it the only way he knows how. Through his eyes, I see his calls and emails in a different light. I see him wanting whatย heย thinks will make me happy. โThatโs what Mom said.โ
He stills. โYou talked to Nicole?โ
โWeโre trying to patch things up.โ Vulnerable honesty flows out of me like water from a faucet. Itโs addictive, telling the truth like this.
He stares at me for a long time, frowning, regret flashing in his eyes. โShe asked about you.โ
โShe did?โ
โYep.โ
A long pause. โI think about her every day.โ
His honesty shocks me. Rick Miller doesnโt care about anything but hockey, or so I thought. โMaybe you should call her.โ
He shakes his head, glancing down with a hard set to his jaw. โShe left me.โ
The corner of my mouth tilts in a sad smile because for years, I told myself she leftย me, but my dad has his own lies he tells himself.
โI compare everyone to her,โ he says quietly. โThatโs why all my relationships fall apart. No oneโs Nicole, and itโs only a matter of time before they realize that.โ
My chest aches, and even though heโs made me feel like I wasnโt good enough for years, made me think hockey was my only value, heโs still my
dad.
โCall her,โ I tell him, โbecause I think she thinks about you, too.โ
He grunts, acknowledging but not agreeing, and the three of us stand in silence.
โHockeyโs the only thing we have in common,โ he finally says, looking lost. โI donโt know what else to talk to you about.โ
โMaybe we should change that.โ
At my side, Hazel watches, guarding me. My dadโs gaze swings to her and he clears his throat.
โHi.โ He sticks his hand out to her. โRick.โ โHazel.โ
My dad is an intimidating guyโtall, broad, with an intense, commanding presenceโbut Hazel can be intimidating right back. She holds his eyes, and in her gaze, the message is clear.ย Donโt fuck with Rory.
I hide a smile. I love her so fucking much.
โThe physio and yoga teacher,โ he says with a nod. โGood to finally meet you, Hazel.โ He clears his throat, glancing at me. โI love you, Rory. I donโt say it enough.โ
โYou donโt say it at all.โ
Shame passes over his features. โI want to, itโs justโฆโ His Adamโs apple bobs. โHard.โ
I canโt imagine a guy like my grandpa told my dad he loved him.
I think about the things Iโve done this seasonโgoing back to the pickup league after I failed miserably, taking risks in games with the team, telling Hazel I love her.
โHard things get easier with practice.โ The knot in my chest begins to loosen, and I follow my own advice. โI love you, too.โ
He pulls me into a hug, and while we embrace, whatever Iโve been missing all these years opens in my chest, taking up every inch of space.
We break apart, and he clears his throat. โIโm in town for a couple days,โ he says. โMaybe I can take you two for dinner.โ He nods to her with a serious expression that I think might be nervousness. โIโd like to get to know you better, Hazel, if thatโs alright.โ
โOf course.โ She smiles, any trace of anger from before gone. โRory plays in a pickup league on Tuesday nights,โ she adds lightly. โIโm sure theyโd love for you to drop in.โ
He gives me a sidelong look, arching an eyebrow. โPickup league?โ
โMhm. Itโs fun.โ
โFun,โ my dad repeats, like he isnโt used to saying the word. โYou gotta pass the puck, though. No hogging the shots.โ
His expression turns bemused, and I snort, because watching him try to be a team player after fifty-five years of being the star is going to be a trip.
โPassing the puck,โ my dad murmurs. โOkay, then.โ
Stars score goals, but thereโs so much more to life than being the star. Wardโs office door opens, and my coach looks us over.
โCome on, Miller.โ He tilts his head into his office. โLetโs talk.โ My dad steps forward, but Ward levels him with a hard look. โJust Rory.โ
My dad opens his mouth to protest, alarm in his eyes as he looks at me. โWeโre not negotiating,โ Ward says. โHe doesnโt need an agent for this.
I just want to talk to my player.โ
โItโs okay,โ I tell my dad. โI take back what I said about you not being my agent anymore, but I want to talk to Ward alone.โ
He looks between me and Ward before he nods. โOkay.โ
I follow Ward into his office, close the door, and pray I can convince him to keep me.