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Chapter no 29

The Elite (The Selection, 2)

Iย CROSSED MY ARMS. โ€œIโ€™VEย heard Krissโ€™s version of what happened, and I donโ€™t think sheโ€™s exaggerating anything. As for Celeste, Iโ€™d rather never talk about her ever again.โ€

He laughed. โ€œSo stubborn. Iโ€™ll miss that.โ€

I was quiet for a minute. โ€œSo itโ€™s done then? Iโ€™m out?โ€

Maxon thought it over. โ€œIโ€™m not sure I could stop it now. Isnโ€™t that what you wanted?โ€

I shook my head. โ€œI was mad,โ€ I whispered. โ€œI was so mad.โ€

I looked away, not wanting to cry. Apparently Maxon decided that I needed to listen to what he had to say, whether I wanted to or not. Finally he had me trapped, and I would hear everything heโ€™d been waiting to tell me.

โ€œI thought you were mine,โ€ he said. I peeked over and found him staring at the ceiling. โ€œIf I could have proposed to you at the Halloween party, I would have. Iโ€™m supposed to do something official with my parents and guests and cameras, but I got special permission to ask you privately when we were ready and have a reception afterward. I never told you about that, did I?โ€

Maxon looked over to me, and I gave a small shake of my head. He smiled bitterly, remembering.

โ€œI had this speech prepared, all these promises I wanted to make. I probably would have forgotten it and made an idiot of myself. Though

โ€ฆ I can remember it now.โ€ He sighed. โ€œIโ€™ll spare you.โ€

He paused briefly. โ€œWhen you pushed me away, I panicked. I had thought that I was done with this insane contest, and I found myself feeling like it was the very first day of the Selection all over again, only this time my options were far more limited. And just the week before, Iโ€™d spent time with all those girls trying to find someone who outshone you, who I thought I could want more, and failed. I felt hopeless.

โ€œAnd then Kriss came to me, so very humble, only wanting to see me happy, and I wondered how Iโ€™d missed that in her. I knew she was nice, and sheโ€™s very attractive; but there was something more to her this whole time.

โ€œI think I simply wasnโ€™t really looking. What reason did I have when there was you?โ€

I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hide from the ache.

There was no me anymore. Iโ€™d ruined all that.

โ€œDo you love her?โ€ I asked meekly. I didnโ€™t want to see his face, but the long pause let me know that there was something deep between the two of them.

โ€œItโ€™s different than what you and I had. Itโ€™s quieter, maybe friendlier. But itโ€™s steady. I can depend on Kriss, and I know without question that she is devoted to me. As you can see, there is very little certainty in my world. Sheโ€™s refreshing in that way.โ€

I nodded, still avoiding eye contact. All I could think about was how he spoke of him and me in the past tense and had nothing but praise for Kriss. I wished I had something bad to say about her, something that would bring her down a notch; but I didnโ€™t. Kriss was a lady. From the beginning sheโ€™d done everything well, and I was surprised that he had ever favored me over her anyway. She was perfect for him.

โ€œThen why Celeste?โ€ I asked, finally facing him. โ€œIf Kriss is so wonderful โ€ฆโ€

Maxon nodded his head, seeming embarrassed about this subject. It was his idea to talk about this in the first place, though, so he must already have had something in mind to say. He stood, giving his back another tentative stretch, and started pacing the small space.

โ€œAs you now know, my life is full of stresses that I prefer not to share. I live in a constant state of tension. Iโ€™m always being watched, judged. My parents, our advisers โ€ฆ there are always cameras in my life, and now youโ€™re all here,โ€ he said, motioning to me. โ€œIโ€™m sure youโ€™ve felt trapped at least once because of your caste, but imagine how I feel. There are things Iโ€™ve seen, America, and things I know; and I donโ€™t think Iโ€™ll ever be able to change them.

โ€œYouโ€™re aware, Iโ€™m sure, that technically my father is supposed to retire in my twenties, when he feels Iโ€™m ready to lead; but do you think heโ€™ll ever stop pulling the strings? Thatโ€™s not going to happen so long as he lives; and I know heโ€™s terrible, but I donโ€™t want him to die โ€ฆ. Heย isย my father.โ€

I nodded.

โ€œSpeaking of which, heโ€™s had his hand in the Selection from very early on. If you look at whoโ€™s left, itโ€™s pretty clear.โ€ He started ticking off the girls on his fingers. โ€œNatalie is extremely pliable, and that makes her

my fatherโ€™s favorite, as I am too willful in his opinion. The fact that heโ€™s so fond of her makes me have to fight the urge to hate her.

โ€œElise has allies in New Asia, but Iโ€™m not sure if thatโ€™s of any use at all. That war โ€ฆโ€ Maxon debated something and shook his head. There was some detail about this war that he didnโ€™t want to share with me. โ€œAnd sheโ€™s so โ€ฆ I donโ€™t even know the word for it. I knew from the beginning that I didnโ€™t want some girl who would agree with everything I said or just roll over and adore me. I try to contradict her, and she concedes the point. Every time! Itโ€™s infuriating. Itโ€™s like she doesnโ€™t have a spine.โ€

He took a steadying breath. I didnโ€™t realize how much she got under his skin. He was always so patient with us. Finally he looked at me.

โ€œYou were my pick. My only pick. My father wasnโ€™t enthusiastic; but at that point you hadnโ€™t done anything to upset him. So long as you were quiet, he didnโ€™t mind me keeping you. In fact, he was fine with me choosing you, if you were well behaved. Heโ€™s used your recent actions to point out the flaws in my judgment and is insisting that he have the final say now.โ€

He shook his head. โ€œThatโ€™s beside the point. The othersโ€”Marlee, Kriss, and Celesteโ€”were chosen by advisers. Marlee was a favorite, as is Kriss.โ€ He sighed. โ€œKriss would be a fine choice. I wish she would let me closer, if only for the fact that I donโ€™t know if we have โ€ฆ chemistry. Iโ€™d like to at least have an idea.

โ€œAnd Celeste. She is very influential, a celebrity in her own right. It looks good on TV. It sounds right for someone who is close to being on the same level as me to be the final choice. I like her if only for her tenacity. She at least has a backbone. But I can tell that sheโ€™s got a manipulative streak and that sheโ€™s working this whole situation for everything she can get out of it. I know when she holds me, itโ€™s the crown she pulls close to her heart.โ€

He closed his eyes, as if what he was about to say was the worst of all. โ€œSheโ€™s using me, so I donโ€™t feel guilty using her. I wouldnโ€™t be surprised if sheโ€™d been encouraged to throw herself at me. I can respect Krissโ€™s boundaries. And Iโ€™d much prefer to be in your arms, but youโ€™ve barely spoken to me โ€ฆ.

โ€œIs it so awful of me to want fifteen minutes of my life not to matter? To feel good? To pretend for a little while that someone loves me? You can judge me if you want, but I canโ€™t apologize for needing something normal in my life.โ€

He stared deep into my eyes, waiting for me to reproach him and hoping I wouldnโ€™t at the same time.

โ€œI get that.โ€

I thought of Aspen, holding me tight and making his promises. Hadnโ€™t I done the very same thing? I could see the wheels turning in Maxonโ€™s head, wondering how literally I meant that. This was one secret I couldnโ€™t share. Even if it was all over for me, I couldnโ€™t let Maxon think of me that way.

โ€œWould you ever pick her? Celeste, I mean?โ€

He came to sit beside me, making his moves carefully. I couldnโ€™t imagine how much his back was hurting him.

โ€œIf I had to, Iโ€™d take her over Elise or Natalie. But that wonโ€™t happen unless Kriss decides she wants to go.โ€

I nodded. โ€œKriss is a good choice. Sheโ€™d make a much better princess than I ever would have.โ€

He chuckled. โ€œShe is less of an instigator. Lord knows what would happen to the country with you at the helm.โ€

I laughed along because he was right. โ€œIโ€™d probably ruin it.โ€

Maxon continued to smile when he spoke. โ€œBut maybe it needs ruining.โ€

We sat there in silence for a little while. I wondered what our world would look like ruined. We couldnโ€™t get rid of the royal familyโ€”how could we possibly transition it out?โ€”but maybe we could change the way some things were run. Offices could be elected instead of inherited. And the castes โ€ฆ I really would love to see those dead and gone.

โ€œWould you indulge me?โ€ Maxon asked. โ€œWhat do you mean?โ€

โ€œWell, Iโ€™ve shared a lot of things with you tonight that are very difficult for me to admit. I was wondering if you could answer one question for me.โ€

His face was so sincere, I didnโ€™t want to deny him. I hoped I wouldnโ€™t regret whatever this was about, but he had been more honest than I deserved at this point.

โ€œYes. Anything.โ€

He swallowed. โ€œDid you ever love me?โ€

Maxon looked into my eyes, and I wondered if he could see it there. All the emotions Iโ€™d fought because I thought he was something he wasnโ€™t, all the feelings I never wanted to put a name on. I ducked my head.

โ€œI know that when I thought you were responsible for hurting Marlee, it crushed me. Not just because it happened, but because I didnโ€™t want to think of you as that kind of person. I know that when you talk about Kriss or when I think about you kissing Celeste โ€ฆ Iโ€™m so jealous I can hardly breathe. And I know that when we talked on Halloween, I was thinking about our future. And I was happy. I know if you had asked, I would have said yes.โ€ Those last words were a whisper, almost too difficult to think about.

โ€œI also know that I never knew how to feel about you dating other people or being a prince. Even with everything you told me tonight, I think there are pieces of yourself that you will always guard โ€ฆ.

โ€œBut, with all that โ€ฆโ€ I nodded. I couldnโ€™t say the words aloud. If I did, how would I be able to leave?

โ€œThank you,โ€ he whispered. โ€œAt least I can know for certain that, for one brief moment of our time together, you and I felt the same thing.โ€

My eyes stung, threatening to spill over with more tears. Heโ€™d never actually told me he loved me, and he wasnโ€™t exactly saying it now. But the words were so, so very close.

โ€œIโ€™ve been so foolish,โ€ I said, my breath catching. Iโ€™d fought hard against the tears, but I couldnโ€™t anymore. โ€œI kept letting the crown scare me out of wanting you. I told myself that you didnโ€™t really matter to me. I kept thinking that you had lied to me or tricked me, that you didnโ€™t trust me or care about me enough. I let myself believe that I wasnโ€™t important to you.โ€

I stared at his handsome face. โ€œOne look at your back says youโ€™d do damn near anything for me. And I threw it away. I just threw it away

โ€ฆ.โ€

He opened his arms, and I fell into them. Maxon held me silently, running his hands through my hair. I wished I could erase everything else and hold on to this moment, this brief second when he and I knew how much we meant to each other.

โ€œPlease donโ€™t cry, darling. Iโ€™d spare you tears for the rest of your life if I could.โ€

My breathing was uneven as I spoke. โ€œIโ€™ll never see you again. Itโ€™s all my fault.โ€

He held me closer. โ€œNo, I should have been more open.โ€ โ€œI should have been more patient.โ€

โ€œI should have proposed that night in your room.โ€ โ€œI should have let you.โ€

He chuckled. I looked up at his face, unsure of how many more of his smiles Iโ€™d have. Maxonโ€™s fingers swept away the tears from my cheeks, and he sat there gazing into my eyes. I did the same to him, wanting to remember this so badly.

โ€œAmerica โ€ฆ I donโ€™t know how much time we have left together, but I donโ€™t want to spend it regretting things we didnโ€™t do.โ€

โ€œMe either.โ€ I turned my face into his palm, kissing it. Then I kissed the tips of each of his fingers. He slid that hand deep into my hair and pulled my lips to his.

I had missed these kisses, so quiet, so sure. I knew that, in my whole life, if I married Aspen or someone else, no one would ever make me feel this way. It wasnโ€™t like I made his world better. It was like Iย wasย his world. It wasnโ€™t some explosion; it wasnโ€™t fireworks. It was a fire, burning slowly from the inside out.

We shifted, sliding so I was on the floor and Maxon was above me. He ran his nose along my jawline, down my neck, across my shoulder, and kissed the same path back to my lips. I kept running my fingers through his hair. It was so soft, it almost tickled my palms.

After a while we pulled out the blankets and built a makeshift bed. He held me for the longest time, looking into my eyes. We could have spent years doing this if not for me.

Once Maxonโ€™s shirt was dry, he put it on, covering the dried stains with his coat, and curled up next to me again. When we both got tired, we started talking. I didnโ€™t want to sleep through a second of this, and I sensed he didnโ€™t either.

โ€œDo you think youโ€™ll go back to him? Your ex?โ€

I didnโ€™t want to talk about Aspen right now, but I considered this. โ€œHeโ€™s a good choice. Smart, brave, maybe the only person on the planet more stubborn than me.โ€

Maxon laughed lightly. My eyes were closed, but I kept talking. โ€œIt would be awhile before I could think about that though.โ€

โ€œMmm.โ€

The silence stretched. Maxon rubbed his thumb along the hand he was holding.

โ€œCould I write you?โ€ he asked.

I thought about that. โ€œMaybe you should wait a few months. You might not even miss me.โ€

He gave an almost-laugh.

โ€œIf you do write โ€ฆ you have to tell Kriss.โ€ โ€œYouโ€™re right.โ€

He didnโ€™t clarify whether that meant he would tell her or simply not write me, but I didnโ€™t really want to know at the moment.

I couldnโ€™t believe that all this was happening because of a stupid book.

I gasped, and my eyes shot open. A book!

โ€œMaxon, what if the Northern rebels are looking for the diaries?โ€ He shifted, still not quite alert. โ€œWhat do you mean?โ€

โ€œWhen I was chased that day in the gardens, I saw them as they passed me. A girl dropped a bag full of books. The guy with her had bunches, too. Theyโ€™re stealing books. What if theyโ€™re looking for a specific one?โ€

Maxon opened his eyes, squinting in thought. โ€œAmerica โ€ฆ what exactly was in that diary?โ€

โ€œA lot. About how Gregory basically stole the country, how he forced the castes on people. It was awful, Maxon.โ€

โ€œBut theย Reportย was cut off,โ€ he insisted. โ€œEven if that is what theyโ€™re looking for, thereโ€™s no way they could know that was it or whatโ€™s inside it. Trust me, after that little display, my father is making sure those things are even more protected than usual.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s it.โ€ I covered my face, stifling a yawn. โ€œI know it.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t,โ€ he said. โ€œDonโ€™t get worked up. For all we know, they just really, really like to read.โ€

I moaned at his attempt at humor.

โ€œI seriously thought I couldnโ€™t make this any worse.โ€

โ€œShh,โ€ he said, coming closer. His strong arms grounded me to the earth. โ€œDonโ€™t worry now. You should probably sleep.โ€

โ€œBut I donโ€™t want to,โ€ I whispered, though I curled closer into him.

Maxon closed his eyes again, still holding on to me. โ€œMe either. Even on a good day, sleeping makes me nervous.โ€

It made my heart ache. I couldnโ€™t imagine his constant state of worry, especially considering that the person keeping him on edge was his own father.

He let go of my hand and reached into his pocket. My eyelids parted a bit, but he was doing all this with his eyes closed. We were both so close to sleep. He found my hand again and started tying something on my wrist. I recognized the feeling of the bracelet he got me in New Asia as it slid into place.

โ€œIโ€™ve been carrying it in my pocket. Iโ€™m a pitiful romantic, right? I was going to keep it, but I want you to have something from me.โ€

Heโ€™d put the bracelet on over Aspenโ€™s, and I felt the button pressing into my skin underneath it.

โ€œThank you. It makes me happy.โ€ โ€œThen Iโ€™m happy, too.โ€

We didnโ€™t say anything else.

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