Iย CROSSED MY ARMS. โIโVEย heard Krissโs version of what happened, and I donโt think sheโs exaggerating anything. As for Celeste, Iโd rather never talk about her ever again.โ
He laughed. โSo stubborn. Iโll miss that.โ
I was quiet for a minute. โSo itโs done then? Iโm out?โ
Maxon thought it over. โIโm not sure I could stop it now. Isnโt that what you wanted?โ
I shook my head. โI was mad,โ I whispered. โI was so mad.โ
I looked away, not wanting to cry. Apparently Maxon decided that I needed to listen to what he had to say, whether I wanted to or not. Finally he had me trapped, and I would hear everything heโd been waiting to tell me.
โI thought you were mine,โ he said. I peeked over and found him staring at the ceiling. โIf I could have proposed to you at the Halloween party, I would have. Iโm supposed to do something official with my parents and guests and cameras, but I got special permission to ask you privately when we were ready and have a reception afterward. I never told you about that, did I?โ
Maxon looked over to me, and I gave a small shake of my head. He smiled bitterly, remembering.
โI had this speech prepared, all these promises I wanted to make. I probably would have forgotten it and made an idiot of myself. Though
โฆ I can remember it now.โ He sighed. โIโll spare you.โ
He paused briefly. โWhen you pushed me away, I panicked. I had thought that I was done with this insane contest, and I found myself feeling like it was the very first day of the Selection all over again, only this time my options were far more limited. And just the week before, Iโd spent time with all those girls trying to find someone who outshone you, who I thought I could want more, and failed. I felt hopeless.
โAnd then Kriss came to me, so very humble, only wanting to see me happy, and I wondered how Iโd missed that in her. I knew she was nice, and sheโs very attractive; but there was something more to her this whole time.
โI think I simply wasnโt really looking. What reason did I have when there was you?โ
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hide from the ache.
There was no me anymore. Iโd ruined all that.
โDo you love her?โ I asked meekly. I didnโt want to see his face, but the long pause let me know that there was something deep between the two of them.
โItโs different than what you and I had. Itโs quieter, maybe friendlier. But itโs steady. I can depend on Kriss, and I know without question that she is devoted to me. As you can see, there is very little certainty in my world. Sheโs refreshing in that way.โ
I nodded, still avoiding eye contact. All I could think about was how he spoke of him and me in the past tense and had nothing but praise for Kriss. I wished I had something bad to say about her, something that would bring her down a notch; but I didnโt. Kriss was a lady. From the beginning sheโd done everything well, and I was surprised that he had ever favored me over her anyway. She was perfect for him.
โThen why Celeste?โ I asked, finally facing him. โIf Kriss is so wonderful โฆโ
Maxon nodded his head, seeming embarrassed about this subject. It was his idea to talk about this in the first place, though, so he must already have had something in mind to say. He stood, giving his back another tentative stretch, and started pacing the small space.
โAs you now know, my life is full of stresses that I prefer not to share. I live in a constant state of tension. Iโm always being watched, judged. My parents, our advisers โฆ there are always cameras in my life, and now youโre all here,โ he said, motioning to me. โIโm sure youโve felt trapped at least once because of your caste, but imagine how I feel. There are things Iโve seen, America, and things I know; and I donโt think Iโll ever be able to change them.
โYouโre aware, Iโm sure, that technically my father is supposed to retire in my twenties, when he feels Iโm ready to lead; but do you think heโll ever stop pulling the strings? Thatโs not going to happen so long as he lives; and I know heโs terrible, but I donโt want him to die โฆ. Heย isย my father.โ
I nodded.
โSpeaking of which, heโs had his hand in the Selection from very early on. If you look at whoโs left, itโs pretty clear.โ He started ticking off the girls on his fingers. โNatalie is extremely pliable, and that makes her
my fatherโs favorite, as I am too willful in his opinion. The fact that heโs so fond of her makes me have to fight the urge to hate her.
โElise has allies in New Asia, but Iโm not sure if thatโs of any use at all. That war โฆโ Maxon debated something and shook his head. There was some detail about this war that he didnโt want to share with me. โAnd sheโs so โฆ I donโt even know the word for it. I knew from the beginning that I didnโt want some girl who would agree with everything I said or just roll over and adore me. I try to contradict her, and she concedes the point. Every time! Itโs infuriating. Itโs like she doesnโt have a spine.โ
He took a steadying breath. I didnโt realize how much she got under his skin. He was always so patient with us. Finally he looked at me.
โYou were my pick. My only pick. My father wasnโt enthusiastic; but at that point you hadnโt done anything to upset him. So long as you were quiet, he didnโt mind me keeping you. In fact, he was fine with me choosing you, if you were well behaved. Heโs used your recent actions to point out the flaws in my judgment and is insisting that he have the final say now.โ
He shook his head. โThatโs beside the point. The othersโMarlee, Kriss, and Celesteโwere chosen by advisers. Marlee was a favorite, as is Kriss.โ He sighed. โKriss would be a fine choice. I wish she would let me closer, if only for the fact that I donโt know if we have โฆ chemistry. Iโd like to at least have an idea.
โAnd Celeste. She is very influential, a celebrity in her own right. It looks good on TV. It sounds right for someone who is close to being on the same level as me to be the final choice. I like her if only for her tenacity. She at least has a backbone. But I can tell that sheโs got a manipulative streak and that sheโs working this whole situation for everything she can get out of it. I know when she holds me, itโs the crown she pulls close to her heart.โ
He closed his eyes, as if what he was about to say was the worst of all. โSheโs using me, so I donโt feel guilty using her. I wouldnโt be surprised if sheโd been encouraged to throw herself at me. I can respect Krissโs boundaries. And Iโd much prefer to be in your arms, but youโve barely spoken to me โฆ.
โIs it so awful of me to want fifteen minutes of my life not to matter? To feel good? To pretend for a little while that someone loves me? You can judge me if you want, but I canโt apologize for needing something normal in my life.โ
He stared deep into my eyes, waiting for me to reproach him and hoping I wouldnโt at the same time.
โI get that.โ
I thought of Aspen, holding me tight and making his promises. Hadnโt I done the very same thing? I could see the wheels turning in Maxonโs head, wondering how literally I meant that. This was one secret I couldnโt share. Even if it was all over for me, I couldnโt let Maxon think of me that way.
โWould you ever pick her? Celeste, I mean?โ
He came to sit beside me, making his moves carefully. I couldnโt imagine how much his back was hurting him.
โIf I had to, Iโd take her over Elise or Natalie. But that wonโt happen unless Kriss decides she wants to go.โ
I nodded. โKriss is a good choice. Sheโd make a much better princess than I ever would have.โ
He chuckled. โShe is less of an instigator. Lord knows what would happen to the country with you at the helm.โ
I laughed along because he was right. โIโd probably ruin it.โ
Maxon continued to smile when he spoke. โBut maybe it needs ruining.โ
We sat there in silence for a little while. I wondered what our world would look like ruined. We couldnโt get rid of the royal familyโhow could we possibly transition it out?โbut maybe we could change the way some things were run. Offices could be elected instead of inherited. And the castes โฆ I really would love to see those dead and gone.
โWould you indulge me?โ Maxon asked. โWhat do you mean?โ
โWell, Iโve shared a lot of things with you tonight that are very difficult for me to admit. I was wondering if you could answer one question for me.โ
His face was so sincere, I didnโt want to deny him. I hoped I wouldnโt regret whatever this was about, but he had been more honest than I deserved at this point.
โYes. Anything.โ
He swallowed. โDid you ever love me?โ
Maxon looked into my eyes, and I wondered if he could see it there. All the emotions Iโd fought because I thought he was something he wasnโt, all the feelings I never wanted to put a name on. I ducked my head.
โI know that when I thought you were responsible for hurting Marlee, it crushed me. Not just because it happened, but because I didnโt want to think of you as that kind of person. I know that when you talk about Kriss or when I think about you kissing Celeste โฆ Iโm so jealous I can hardly breathe. And I know that when we talked on Halloween, I was thinking about our future. And I was happy. I know if you had asked, I would have said yes.โ Those last words were a whisper, almost too difficult to think about.
โI also know that I never knew how to feel about you dating other people or being a prince. Even with everything you told me tonight, I think there are pieces of yourself that you will always guard โฆ.
โBut, with all that โฆโ I nodded. I couldnโt say the words aloud. If I did, how would I be able to leave?
โThank you,โ he whispered. โAt least I can know for certain that, for one brief moment of our time together, you and I felt the same thing.โ
My eyes stung, threatening to spill over with more tears. Heโd never actually told me he loved me, and he wasnโt exactly saying it now. But the words were so, so very close.
โIโve been so foolish,โ I said, my breath catching. Iโd fought hard against the tears, but I couldnโt anymore. โI kept letting the crown scare me out of wanting you. I told myself that you didnโt really matter to me. I kept thinking that you had lied to me or tricked me, that you didnโt trust me or care about me enough. I let myself believe that I wasnโt important to you.โ
I stared at his handsome face. โOne look at your back says youโd do damn near anything for me. And I threw it away. I just threw it away
โฆ.โ
He opened his arms, and I fell into them. Maxon held me silently, running his hands through my hair. I wished I could erase everything else and hold on to this moment, this brief second when he and I knew how much we meant to each other.
โPlease donโt cry, darling. Iโd spare you tears for the rest of your life if I could.โ
My breathing was uneven as I spoke. โIโll never see you again. Itโs all my fault.โ
He held me closer. โNo, I should have been more open.โ โI should have been more patient.โ
โI should have proposed that night in your room.โ โI should have let you.โ
He chuckled. I looked up at his face, unsure of how many more of his smiles Iโd have. Maxonโs fingers swept away the tears from my cheeks, and he sat there gazing into my eyes. I did the same to him, wanting to remember this so badly.
โAmerica โฆ I donโt know how much time we have left together, but I donโt want to spend it regretting things we didnโt do.โ
โMe either.โ I turned my face into his palm, kissing it. Then I kissed the tips of each of his fingers. He slid that hand deep into my hair and pulled my lips to his.
I had missed these kisses, so quiet, so sure. I knew that, in my whole life, if I married Aspen or someone else, no one would ever make me feel this way. It wasnโt like I made his world better. It was like Iย wasย his world. It wasnโt some explosion; it wasnโt fireworks. It was a fire, burning slowly from the inside out.
We shifted, sliding so I was on the floor and Maxon was above me. He ran his nose along my jawline, down my neck, across my shoulder, and kissed the same path back to my lips. I kept running my fingers through his hair. It was so soft, it almost tickled my palms.
After a while we pulled out the blankets and built a makeshift bed. He held me for the longest time, looking into my eyes. We could have spent years doing this if not for me.
Once Maxonโs shirt was dry, he put it on, covering the dried stains with his coat, and curled up next to me again. When we both got tired, we started talking. I didnโt want to sleep through a second of this, and I sensed he didnโt either.
โDo you think youโll go back to him? Your ex?โ
I didnโt want to talk about Aspen right now, but I considered this. โHeโs a good choice. Smart, brave, maybe the only person on the planet more stubborn than me.โ
Maxon laughed lightly. My eyes were closed, but I kept talking. โIt would be awhile before I could think about that though.โ
โMmm.โ
The silence stretched. Maxon rubbed his thumb along the hand he was holding.
โCould I write you?โ he asked.
I thought about that. โMaybe you should wait a few months. You might not even miss me.โ
He gave an almost-laugh.
โIf you do write โฆ you have to tell Kriss.โ โYouโre right.โ
He didnโt clarify whether that meant he would tell her or simply not write me, but I didnโt really want to know at the moment.
I couldnโt believe that all this was happening because of a stupid book.
I gasped, and my eyes shot open. A book!
โMaxon, what if the Northern rebels are looking for the diaries?โ He shifted, still not quite alert. โWhat do you mean?โ
โWhen I was chased that day in the gardens, I saw them as they passed me. A girl dropped a bag full of books. The guy with her had bunches, too. Theyโre stealing books. What if theyโre looking for a specific one?โ
Maxon opened his eyes, squinting in thought. โAmerica โฆ what exactly was in that diary?โ
โA lot. About how Gregory basically stole the country, how he forced the castes on people. It was awful, Maxon.โ
โBut theย Reportย was cut off,โ he insisted. โEven if that is what theyโre looking for, thereโs no way they could know that was it or whatโs inside it. Trust me, after that little display, my father is making sure those things are even more protected than usual.โ
โThatโs it.โ I covered my face, stifling a yawn. โI know it.โ
โDonโt,โ he said. โDonโt get worked up. For all we know, they just really, really like to read.โ
I moaned at his attempt at humor.
โI seriously thought I couldnโt make this any worse.โ
โShh,โ he said, coming closer. His strong arms grounded me to the earth. โDonโt worry now. You should probably sleep.โ
โBut I donโt want to,โ I whispered, though I curled closer into him.
Maxon closed his eyes again, still holding on to me. โMe either. Even on a good day, sleeping makes me nervous.โ
It made my heart ache. I couldnโt imagine his constant state of worry, especially considering that the person keeping him on edge was his own father.
He let go of my hand and reached into his pocket. My eyelids parted a bit, but he was doing all this with his eyes closed. We were both so close to sleep. He found my hand again and started tying something on my wrist. I recognized the feeling of the bracelet he got me in New Asia as it slid into place.
โIโve been carrying it in my pocket. Iโm a pitiful romantic, right? I was going to keep it, but I want you to have something from me.โ
Heโd put the bracelet on over Aspenโs, and I felt the button pressing into my skin underneath it.
โThank you. It makes me happy.โ โThen Iโm happy, too.โ
We didnโt say anything else.