Laughter greets me when I return to the Court of Shadows. I am expecting to find Cardan as I left him, cowed and quiet, perhaps even more miserable than before. Instead, his hands have been untied, and he is at the table, playing cards with the Roach, the Ghostโand the Bomb. At the center are a pile of jewels and a jug of wine. Two empty bottles rest beneath the table, green glass catching the candlelight.
โJude,โ the Bomb calls happily. โSit down! Weโll deal you in.โ
I am relieved to see her, here and unscathed. But nothing else about this tableau is any good.
Cardan grins at me as though weโve been great friends all our lives. I forgot how charming he can beโand how dangerous that is.
โWhat are you doing?โ I burst out. โHeโs supposed to be tied up! Heโs our
prisoner.โ
โWorry not. Whereโs he going to go?โ the Roach asks. โYou really think he can get past all three of us?โ
โI donโt mind being one-handed,โ Cardan interjects. โBut if youโre going to restrain both of my hands, then youโll have to pour the wine directly into my mouth.โ
โHe told us where the old king kept the really good bottles,โ says the Bomb, pushing back her white hair. โNot to mention a stash of jewelry that belonged to Elowyn. He figured that in the confusion, no one would notice if it got lifted, and so far, no one has. Easiest job the Roach has ever done.โ
I want to scream. They werenโt supposed to like him, but why wouldnโt they? Heโs a prince whoโs treating them with respect. Heโs Dainโs brother. Heโs Folk, like them.
โEverything is spiraling into chaos anyway,โ says Cardan. โMight as well have some fun. Donโt you think, Jude?โ
I take a deep breath. If he undermines my position here, if he manages to make me an outsider, then I am never going to get the Court of Shadows to go along with the plan that is still jumbled up in my head. I canโt seem to figure out how to help anyone. The last thing I need is him making everything worse.
โWhat did he offer you?โ I ask, like weโre all in on the same joke. Yes, itโs a gamble. Maybe Cardan didnโt offer them anything at all.
I try not to seem like Iโm holding my breath. I try not to show how small Cardan makes me feel.
The Ghost gives me one of his rare smiles. โMostly gold, but also power.
Position.โ
โA lot of things he hasnโt got,โ said the Bomb.
โI thought we were friends,โ Cardan says halfheartedly.
โIโm going to take him in the back,โ I say, putting my hand on the top of the chair in a proprietary fashion. I need to get him out of the room before he gets the better of me in front of them. I need to get him away now.
โAnd do what?โ asks the Roach.
โHeโsย myย prisoner,โ I remind them, squatting down and slicing through the strips of my dress still tying his legs to the chair. I realize he must have slept this way, sitting upright, if he slept at all. But he doesnโt look tired. He smiles down at me, as if the reason Iโm on my knees is because I am curtsying.
I want to wipe that smile off his face, but maybe I canโt. Maybe heโll go on smiling that way to his grave.
โCanโt we stay out here?โ Cardan asks me. โThereโs wine out here.โ
That makes the Roach snicker. โSomething bothering you, princeling? You and Jude donโt get along after all?โ
Cardanโs expression shifts into something that appears to resemble worry.
Good.
I lead him into Dainโs office, which I guess Iโve just commandeered for my own. He walks unsteadily, his legs stiff from being bound. Also possibly because he has helped my crew down several bottles of wine. No one stops me from taking him, though. I close the door and turn the lock.
โSit down,โ I tell him, pointing to a chair. He does.
I walk around, settling myself on the other side of the desk.
It occurs to me that if I kill him, I can finally stop thinking about him. If I kill him, I wonโt have to feel like this anymore.
Without him, thereโs no clear path to putting Oak on the throne. Iโd have to
trust that Madoc had some way of forcing Balekin into crowning him. Without him, I have no cards to play. No plan. No helping my brother. No nothing.
Maybe it would be worth it.
The crossbow is where I left it, in the drawer of Dainโs desk. I draw it out, cock it back, and point it at Cardan. He draws a ragged breath.
โYouโre going to shoot me?โ He blinks. โRight now?โ
My finger caresses the trigger. I feel calm, gloriously calm. This is weakness, to put fear above ambition, above family, above love, but it feels good. It feels like being powerful.
โI can see why youโd want to,โ he says, as though reading my face and coming to some decision. โBut Iโd really prefer if you didnโt.โ
โThen you shouldnโt have smirked at me constantlyโyou think I am going to stand being mocked, here, now? You still so sure youโre better than me?โ My voice shakes a little, and I hate him even more for it. I have trained every day to be dangerous, and he is entirely in my power, yet Iโm the one who is afraid.
Fearing him is a habit, a habit I could break with a bolt to his heart.
He holds up his hands in protest, long bare fingers splayed. I am the one with the royal ring. โIโm nervous,โ he says. โI smile a lot when Iโm nervous. I canโt help it.โ
That is not at all what I expected him to say. I lower the crossbow momentarily.
He keeps talking, as though he doesnโt want to leave me too much time to think. โYou areย terrifying. Nearly my whole family is dead, and while they never had much love for me, I donโt want to join them. Iโve spent all night worrying what youโre going to do, and I know exactly what I deserve. I have a reason to be nervous.โ Heโs talking to me as though weโre friends instead of enemies. It works, too: I relax a little. When I realize that, I am nearly freaked out enough to shoot him outright.
โIโll tell you whatever you want,โ he says. โAnything.โ
โNo word games?โ The temptation is enormous. Everything Taryn told me is still rattling around in my head, reminding me how little I know.
He puts a hand over where his heart should be. โI swear it.โ โAnd if I shoot you anyway?โ
โYou might well,โ he says, wry. โBut I want your word that you wonโt.โ โMy word isnโt worth much,โ I remind him.
โSo you keep saying.โ He raises his brows. โItโs not comforting, Iโve got to tell you.โ
I give a surprised laugh. The crossbow wavers in my hand. Cardanโs gaze
is locked on it. With deliberate slowness, I set it down on the wood of the desk. โYou tell me whatever I want to knowโall of itโand I wonโt shoot you.โ
โAnd what can I do to persuade you not to turn me over to Balekin and Madoc?โ He lifts a single eyebrow. I am not used to the force of his attention being on me like this. My heart speeds.
All I can do is glower in return. โHow about you concentrate on staying alive?โ
He shrugs. โWhat do you want to know?โ
โI found a piece of paper with my name on it,โ I say. โOver and over, just my name.โ
He flinches a little but doesnโt say anything. โWell?โ I prompt.
โThatโs not a question,โ he groans, as though exasperated. โAsk me a proper question, and Iโll give you an answer.โ
โYouโre terrible at this whole โtelling me whatever I want to knowโ thing.โ My hand goes to the crossbow, but I donโt pick it up.
He sighs. โJust ask me something. Ask about my tail. Donโt you want to see it?โ He raises his brows.
I have seen his tail, but I am not going to give him the satisfaction of telling him that. โYou want me to ask you something? Fine. When did Taryn start whatever it is she has with Locke?โ
He laughs with delight. This appears to be a discussion he isnโt interested in avoiding. Typical. โOh, I wondered when you would ask about that. It was some months ago. He told us all about itโthrowing stones at her window, leaving her notes to meet him in the woods, wooing her by moonlight. He swore us to silence, made it all seem like a lark. I think, in the beginning, he did it to make Nicasia jealous. But laterโฆโ
โHow did he know it was her room?โ I ask, frowning.
That makes his smile grow. โMaybe he didnโt. Maybe either of you would have done as his first mortal conquest. I believe his goal is to have both of you in the end.โ
I donโt like any of this. โWhat about you?โ
He gives me a quick, odd look. โLocke hasnโt gotten around to seducing me yet, if thatโs what youโre asking. I suppose I should be insulted.โ
โThatโs not what I mean. You and Nicasia wereโฆโ I donโt know what to call them.ย Togetherย isnโt quite the word for an evil and beautiful team, ruining people and enjoying it.
โYes, Locke stole her from me,โ Cardan says with a tightness in his jaw. He doesnโt smile, doesnโt smirk. Clearly, it costs him something to tell me
this. โAnd I donโt know if Locke wanted her to make some other lover jealous or to make me angry or just because of Nicasiaโs magnificence. Nor do I know what fault in me made her choose him. Now do you believe I am giving you the answers you were promised?โ
The thought of Cardan being brokenhearted is almost beyond my imagining. I nod. โDid you love her?โ
โWhat kind of question is that?โ he demands. I shrug. โI want to know.โ
โYes,โ he says, his gaze on the desk, on my hand resting there. I am suddenly conscious of my fingernails, bitten to the quick. โI loved her.โ
โWhy do you want me dead?โ I ask, because I want to remind us both that answering embarrassing questions is the least of what he deserves. Weโre enemies, no matter how many jokes he tells or how friendly he seems. Charmers are charming, but thatโs all they are.
He lets out a long breath and puts his head down on his hands, not paying nearly enough attention to the crossbow. โYou mean with the nixies? You were the one who was thrashing around and throwing things at them. Theyโre extremely lazy creatures, but I thought you might actually annoy them into taking a bite out of you. I may be rotten, but my one virtue is that Iโm not a killer. I wanted to frighten you, but I never wanted youย dead. I never wanted anyone dead.โ
I think of the river and how, when one nixie detached from the others, Cardan waited until it paused and then left so we could get out of the water. I stare at him, at the traces of silver on his face from the party, at the inky black of his eyes. I suddenly remember how he pulled Valerian off me when I was choking on faerie fruit.
I never wanted anyone dead.
Against my will, I recall the way he held that sword in the study with Balekin and the sloppiness of his technique. I thought heโd been doing that deliberately, to annoy his brother. Now, for the first time, I consider the possibility that he just doesnโt much like sword fighting. That heโd never learned it particularly well. That if we ever fought, I would win. I consider all the things I have done to become a worthy adversary of him, but maybe I havenโt been fighting Cardan at all. Maybe Iโve been fighting my own shadow.
โValerian tried to murder me outright. Twice. First in the tower, then in my room at my house.โ
Cardan lifts his head, and his whole posture stiffens as though some uncomfortable truth just came home to him. โI thought when you said you killed him you meant that you tracked him down andโฆโ His voice trails off,
and he starts over. โOnly a fool would break into the generalโs house.โ
I draw down the collar of my shirt so he can see where Valerian tried to strangle me. โI have another on my shoulder from where he knocked me into the floor. Believe me yet?โ
He reaches toward me, as though heโs going to run his fingers over the bruises. I bring up the crossbow, and he thinks better of it. โValerian liked pain,โ he says. โAnyoneโs. Mine, even. I knew he wanted to hurt you.โ He pauses, seeming to actually have heard his own words. โAnd he had. I thought heโd be satisfied with that.โ
It never occurred to me to wonder what it was like to be Valerianโs friend.
It sounds like it wasnโt so different from being his enemy.
โSo it doesnโt matter that Valerian wanted to hurt me?โ I ask. โSo long as he wasnโt going to kill me.โ
โYou have to admit, being alive is better,โ Cardan returns, that faintly amused tone back in his voice.
I put both of my hands on the desk. โJust tell me why you hate me. Once and for all.โ
His long fingers smooth over the wood of Dainโs desk. โYou really want honesty?โ
โI am the one with the crossbow, not shooting you because you promised me answers. What do you think?โ
โVery well.โ He fixes me with a spiteful look. โI hate you because your father loves you even though youโre a human brat born to his unfaithful wife, while mine never cared for me, though I am a prince of Faerie. I hate you because you donโt have a brother who beats you. And I hate you because Locke used you and your sister to make Nicasia cry after he stole her from me. Besides which, after the tournament, Balekin never failed to throw you in my face as the mortal who could best me.โ
I didnโt think Balekin even knew who I was.
We stare at each other across the desk. Lounging in the chair, Cardan looks every bit the wicked prince. I wonder if he expects to be shot.
โIs that all?โ I demand. โBecause itโs ridiculous. You canโt be jealous of me. You donโt have to live at the sufferance of the same person who murdered your parents. You donโt have to stay angry because if you donโt, thereโs a bottomless well of fear ready to open up under you.โ I stop speaking abruptly, surprised at myself.
I said I wasnโt going to be charmed, but I let him trick me into opening up to him.
As I think that, Cardanโs smile turns into a more familiar sneer. โOh, really? I donโt know about being angry? I donโt know about being afraid?
Youโre not the one bargaining for your life.โ
โThatโs really why you hate me?โ I demand. โOnly that? Thereโs no better reason?โ
For a moment, I think heโs ignoring me, but then I realize heโs not answering because he canโt lie and he doesnโt want to tell me the truth.
โWell?โ I say, lifting the crossbow again, glad to have a reason to reassert my position as the person in charge. โTell me!โ
He leans in and closes his eyes. โMost of all, I hate you because I think of you. Often. Itโs disgusting, and I canโt stop.โ
I am shocked into silence.
โMaybe you should shoot me after all,โ he says, covering his face with one long-fingered hand.
โYouโre playing me,โ I say. I donโt believe him. I wonโt fall for some silly trick, because he thinks I am some fool to lose my head over beauty; if I was, I couldnโt last a single day in Faerie. I stand, ready to call his bluff.
Crossbows arenโt great at close range, so I trade mine for a dagger.
He doesnโt look up as I walk around the desk to him. I place the tip of the blade against the bottom of his chin, as I did the day before in the hall, and I tilt his face toward mine. He shifts his gaze with obvious reluctance.
The horror and shame on his face look entirely too real. Suddenly, I am not so sure what to believe.
I lean toward him, close enough for a kiss. His eyes widen. The look in his face is some commingling of panic and desire. It is a heady feeling, having power over someone. Overย Cardan, who I never thought had any feelings at all.
โYou really do want me,โ I say, close enough to feel the warmth of his breath as it hitches. โAnd youย hateย it.โ I change the angle of the knife, turning it so itโs against his neck. He doesnโt look nearly as alarmed by that as I might expect.
Not nearly as alarmed as when I bring my mouth to his.