“Claire?” Mam smiled across the table at me, but just like all the other smiles since that night, it was a forced one. “Come on, pet, at least try to eat something.”
Numb, I continued to slump against my chair, while my plate remained untouched.
“Please, Claire,” she tried again, voice wavering. “It’s Christmas.”
“No, it’s not,” Hugh surprised me by saying. “Because Christmas means family.” He inclined his head to the empty chair at the table. The chair with the word Gibsie carved into it. “And we’re one family member down.”
My attention shifted to his empty chair and the void that had been steadily growing inside of my heart morphed into a great abyss. Lonely didn’t begin to touch the surface of how desolate my life had been this past week. I felt his absence everywhere. It was like someone had left the back door open overnight and all the cold had seeped inside. The Christmas presents under the tree with my name on them had been left unopened, because in my mind, if there wasn’t a Gerard Gibson-shaped present left out for me, then I didn’t want to hear about it.
Reeling in the aftermath of the discovery of Caoimhe’s letter, everything had gone to hell in a handbasket. The guilt I felt for Gerard’s public humiliation was stifling. It made it hard to breathe at night. Because I hadn’t seen Gerard since the night of the winter ball and I was terrified that I never would. Not the way we were, at least. Not like before.
“Come on, you two,” Dad encouraged, clearly doing his best to step up and support Mam through the storm that had settled over our home. “You can’t go on hunger strike.”
“Yeah.” Reaching up, Hugh snatched the paper hat he won in a Christmas cracker off his head, and tossed it down on his equally untouched plate before pushing his chair back. “I’m going for a walk.”
“No, Hugh.” Dad set his fork and knife down. “This is not the right way to handle things, son.”
“No, Dad, it’s definitely not,” my brother agreed with a sneer. “But if I handled things your way then I would never come out of the fucking attic.”
“Hugh!”
“Don’t you feel responsible, Mam?” my brother asked the unspoken question that hung heavily over my family. “Because I sure as hell do.”
“You are not responsible for what that monster did,” Dad cut in. “So, get those notions out of your head, son.”
“Oh, so now he’s a monster,” Hugh sneered, throwing his hands up. “He’s always been a monster, Dad. Liz has been trying to tell everyone for years but not a damn person would listen.”
“That’s different,” Mam interjected in a weary tone. “Lizzie and her family were mistaken.”
“How do we know that?” Hugh demanded. “Huh? How can we ever be sure of anything ever again when for four years our best friend was being raped right across the street. Every fucking night by that monster!”
A sob escaped me, and I dropped my head in my hands.
“The way I see it is two innocent families were ruined by one monster,” Hugh continued hoarsely. “And now those families are at loggerheads when they should be working together to take the bastard down.”
“Hugh!”
“He wasn’t even arrested!” Beyond livid, my brother continued to rant and rave at the top of his lungs while his big frame shook violently. “Just because he’s out of the country. What utter bullshit! He continuously rapes a seven-year-old child, and he just jets off to play happy families with a woman who doesn’t have the slightest inkling of how much danger her son is in around his father!”
“I am not the law,” Mam replied, tears filling her eyes. “And I feel plenty of guilt for not seeing the signs, Hugh Andrew Biggs. Plenty.”
“So, please spare us the guilt trip,” Dad said thickly. “Because your mother and I are already drowning in regret.”
“Yeah? Well, join the fucking club, Dad.”
“Hugh, wait. Don’t just walk out,” Dad called out, but it was too late, because my brother had already stormed out of the house, slamming the front door behind him.
“Please just sit down,” Mam began to plead when I followed suit and pushed my chair back. Because I couldn’t do it, either. I couldn’t sit, and smile, and be festive when our world had imploded around us less than a week ago.
“Sorry,” I told my parents, abandoning Christmas dinner, as I hurried to catch up with Hugh.
When I stepped outside, I found my brother in the driveway, leaning against his parked car.
With his arms folded across his chest, he stared at the house across the street. They always had the best lights on the street, but today, it was in darkness.
Because Sadhbh and Gerard were gone. I knew. I’d watched them drive off in the backseat of John Sr.’s Mercedes three days ago. Soon after, Keith Allen had filled his Land Rover with his belongings before he too left the street. In the opposite direction.
“Have you heard from them?” I croaked out, leaning against the car beside my brother.
“Once.” Hugh nodded stiffly. “Johnny called when they arrived at his parents’ house in Blackrock.”
According to Shannon, the Kavanaghs had offered their Dublin home as a sanctuary to Gerard and his mother, while his stepfather moved his belongings from the house. A legal separation had already been put in motion, and Sadhbh had decided it best to remove her son from the home until all traces of Keith and his son had been wiped away.
“Did he say how Gerard was?” I managed to ask while my heart hung by a thread. “Do you know when they’re coming home?”
While John Sr. had driven the Gibsons to Dublin, it was his son who had remained by their side at the property. Johnny hadn’t left Gerard’s side for more than a couple of hours since the revelation. He’d even missed Christmas at home to be there for his friend, and it warmed my heart to know that wherever Gerard was right now, he had Johnny.
Hugh shook his head. “I heard something about them coming back before the new year, but I’m not sure.”
I was quiet for a long time, mulling over this new information, while I continued to replay the night of the dance on a loop in my mind. “Do you think he’ll hate me forever, Hugh?”
Sighing heavily, my big brother unfolded his arms and draped one over my shoulders. “I don’t think he knows how to hate, Claire.” He sighed again. “He’s been given so many reasons to hate the world, but it’s just not in his nature.”
“Because he’s such a good person,” I squeezed out, feeling my emotions go haywire again. “He’s always called me sunshine, Hugh, but knowing what we do now, knowing how badly he suffered in silence and continued to smile?” I shook my head and exhaled a shaky breath. “I don’t think there’s another person on this earth more deserving of the title.”
“Yeah,” my brother agreed quietly. “I know what you mean.”
“What’s going to happen?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“After Christmas, when we go back to school. Nothing’s going to be the way it was before.” A shiver rolled through me. “But I’m with him, Hugh,” I whispered. “I’m all in with Gerard.”
Nodding stiffly, my brother continued to stare right ahead, but I knew he knew what I meant. He understood the importance of what I said. There was no coming back from what had happened. “You loved her once.”
“Yeah, Hugh, we both did, and look where it got us.”
“Don’t turn your back on her, Claire.” He swallowed deeply. “She needs you.”
“She might need me, Hugh,” I replied hoarsely. “But I don’t need her.”
“Don’t say that, Claire. You’re not cruel.”
“No, I’m not,” I agreed. “But I’m not a liar, either.”
His arm dropped from my shoulder. “Claire.”
“I can’t let it go, okay,” I strangled out. “I can’t get past the way she’s treated him. Knowing that he’s been shouldering this weight on his own for years and taking her abuse. I kept quiet because I believed what Lizzie believed. But knowing the truth changes everything. I can’t go back. I won’t.”
