“Gerard, please,” Mam tried to coax, but I couldn’t be talked down or consoled in this moment. I was too far gone. Everything I had worked so hard to build back up after he destroyed me had been snuffed out in an instant.
I didn’t know how I got home from the dance. I didn’t know if I was in another nightmare, or if I was even breathing. I couldn’t make sense of a fucking word of anything.
… His hand was on the back of my neck, pinning my face into the mattress. “Daddy,” I tried to scream, but he couldn’t hear me all the way from heaven. “Come back and take me with you.”
“Just stay down and take it, you little bastard!”
“It hurts,” I strangled out, body bowing in agony when I felt something impale me from behind, ripping my small body in half.
“That’s it,” he grunted as he continued to hurt me, pushing me, deeper, harder, rougher. “I’ll make a fucking man out of you, ya little pussy.”
“Stop.” I was crying. I knew I was. My mouth was open, I could feel tears trickling down my cheeks, but my voice wasn’t coming out. “Please stop.”
Numb, I felt the life leave my body, fading quicker every time he rammed his privates into mine, as the pain grew worse, and my mind started to wander away …
Feeling cornered, I came out swinging, ripping and tearing at anything I could get my hands on in the moment, seeing nothing but his face everywhere I turned. “Keith, stop him, please! He’s going to hurt himself!” I could hear my mother saying somewhere in the distance, but her face was gone from my sight. I couldn’t see anything but him.
… Curled up in a ball on my bed, I watched as he stood over me and zipped up his school trousers. He wore the ones the older boys wore. The boys who went to secondary school.
“You know the score, baby brother.” Sitting down on the edge of my bed, he pushed my hair out of my face and reached between my legs. “Keep your mouth shut and I’ll keep going easy on you.”
Trembling, I didn’t dare answer him or look in his direction. I knew better. I knew what happened when I didn’t behave. When I didn’t give him what he wanted.
“Good boy. You’re always okay, aren’t ya?” He stroked my cheek and then stood back up. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
I waited until my door was closed before checking myself over and pulling my Power Rangers pajama bottoms into place, shuddering when my hand emerged with the familiar sight of blood …
I knew I had lost touch with reality. I could feel my sanity slipping away at the school. The tiny shred of dignity and pride I had managed to hold onto for the past ten years had finally upped and left me.
“ … I’m going to marry you when I’m a big girl,” she told me, reaching across to press her Barbie’s face to my action figure. “You’ll be my shiny prince in the white garner, and I’ll be the princess.” When she grinned at me, I felt my lips smile back. Because she didn’t have any front teeth and I thought she looked so silly.
“You’re really going to marry me?”
“Uh-huh.” Her brown eyes were big and happy, and she smelled like sunshine. “I’m going to take you to my castle in the north pole, where we can build snowmen all day and Santa flies over our castle every night to give us presents.”
“Does your castle have a chimney?”
“Then how is Santa going to leave us presents?”
“Santa’s super smart,” she explained. “He’ll get your daddy to fly down from heaven and use magic to open the door … ”
“What happened to him, Keith?”
“I don’t know, Sadhbh. Maybe he took something at the dance.”
“Call one of his friends. If he did, then we need to call for an ambulance!”
“I’ll go and get Sinead.”
“Be fast about it!”
“ … Why would you say that?” Leaping off the couch, Caoimhe moved as far away from me as she could get. Like I was dirty. Like I was bad. “Are you telling lies, Gerard Gibson? Because that is the worst, most awful thing you could say about a person.”
“I don’t know,” I heard myself reply.
“You don’t know if you’re telling lies or you don’t know why you said it?” she demanded, hands on her hips. “I’ll give you one more chance to tell the truth.” Her eyes looked so mad. “Then I’m telling your family what you said.”
“I … ” I shook my head, feeling so sad, because I knew what she wanted me to say, and I wanted to please her. She was my favorite babysitter. She told the best bedtime stories, and nobody came in my room when she was here. I didn’t want her to go. “I … ” Frowning, I thought really hard about what to do, trying to find the words that would make her happy and like me again. “I … was … making a joke?”
“Oh, thank God!” She sighed out this big loud breath and then she came back to me. “You must never say things like that, Gibs.” She sat down on the couch beside me. “I know I was your babysitter before I was Mark’s girlfriend, but you can’t make up stories about him because you’re jealous … ”
“Claire? It’s Sadhbh, love. There’s something wrong with Gerard. I think he might have taken something at the dance. I need you to come home right now. If you know anything about what he might have taken, you need to tell me now.”
“What’s she saying?”
“What, Claire? I can barely hear you, pet. Just calm down and stop screaming, love. Tell me what happened.”
“Sadhbh?”
“Shut up, Keith. I’m trying to hear the girl. The line is bad and she’s bawling her eyes out.”
“See?” the blonde in the office encouraged, pressing the palm of my hand against her breast. “That feels nice, doesn’t it?”
I nodded slowly.
“Have you touched a woman before?”
I shook my head.
“Do you like how it feels?”
I nodded again.
“You’re so cute.” Smiling, she reached for my other hand and pushed it into the waistband of her skirt. “You can practice on me if you want … ”
“Gibs.”
“Oh, Johnny, thank God you’re here. He’s after losing it. I don’t know what to do for him. He’s after putting his hand through a mirror and everything.”
“Sadhbh, I need you to read this.”
“What is it, Johnny?”
“Just read it, please.”
“Don’t go near him, Kavanagh. He’s too out of control.”
“I’ll be grand. Just give me a few minutes with him.”
“Kavanagh, be careful, he doesn’t seem to know who we are.”
“He knows who I am, don’t ya, Gibs? It’s alright, my old buddy. Cap’s here.”
“Alright, class, eyes to the front of the room,” Mr. O’Donovan ordered when he walked into our classroom on Monday morning with a tall, dark-haired boy in tow. “We have a new boy joining the class,” he explained, clapping the tall boy on the shoulder. “This is Jonathan Kavanagh. He and his family moved down from Dublin this past summer, and I want you all to make your best effort to make him feel welcome.” He squeezed the scowling boy’s shoulder again. “From what I hear, we can expect great things from this one on the rugby pitch.” Turning to the boy, he said, “Kavanagh, why don’t you take a seat down the back of the class with young Gibson,” before pointing at me.
Still scowling, the boy sauntered through the rows of desks with his head in the air. I knew the lads would think that made him look like a cocky fucker, but I thought it was great.
Dropping his schoolbag on the floor next to mine, he pulled his chair back and sank down, still scowling, still looking like he thought he was too good for the rest of us.
“How’s it going?” Robbie Mac whispered, turning around from the desk in front of us to introduce himself. “Robbie.”
“Johnny,” the boy sitting next to me acknowledged with a polite nod.
“So, you’re into the rugby, are ya, Johnny?”
His lips tipped up in a small smirk. “You could say that.”
“Well, me and some of the other lads from class usually have a game after school on Mondays. You should come.”
“What about you?”
It took me a moment to realize that he was addressing me. “Me?” I asked anyway, just to be sure, because aside from Hugh and Feely, no one else in class bothered a whole pile with me.
“Yeah.” Johnny nodded. “Do you play?”
I opened my mouth to answer but Robbie got there first. “Who, Gibsie?” He snickered into his hand. “He can’t play sports. He faints at the sight of blood.” He snickered again. “He’s the class’s personal Billy Elliot.” More laughing. “He likes to dance with the girls.”
I felt my face grow hot from embarrassment and quickly dropped my gaze to the copybook open in front of me, fully expecting the boy sitting next to me to be a perfect candidate for the dickhead club. The book was littered with my own scrawling handwriting that I could barely read.
“So?” Johnny surprised me by saying. “You think there’s something wrong with dancing?”
“You don’t?”
“No.”
“Shit, maybe the sir put you at the right desk when he sat you with him,” Robbie snickered, gesturing to me.
“Maybe he did,” Johnny replied coolly.
“Whatever, girls,” Robbie sneered before turning back to face the front of the class. “Enjoy each other’s company.”
“I’m Johnny.” He held his hand out to me. “Johnny Kavanagh.”
“Gerard Gibson,” I replied, accepting his handshake. “But everyone calls me Gibsie.”
“So, Gibsie, is everyone in this class a bleeding eejit like that one?” he asked, pointing to Robbie.
“There’s a couple of good ones,” I replied, feeling my lips tip up in a smile. “But yeah, pretty much.”
Johnny nodded solemnly. “And who’s your best friend out of all of them?”
“Me?” My brows shot up. “Well, I’m, ah, I’m good friends with those two over there.” I pointed across the room to where Hugh and Feely were sitting. “But I wouldn’t say I have a best friend in here.” Smiling, I added, “I have a girl friend. She’s at a different school, though.”
“Is she your friend or your girlfriend?”
“Both?”
“Hm.” Johnny seemed to mull that over before asking, “Do you want to be my best friend?” He shrugged. “Looks like I’m not getting out of this town anytime soon, so I might as well put down some roots.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.”
“You want me to be your best friend?”
He nodded again, and I could tell from just one interaction with him that he was sharp. This lad was nobody’s fool. He had clearly taken everyone’s measure, and for some strange reason, had decided that I was the best of a bad bunch.
“So, what’s it going to be, Gibs?”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “I’m in.”
“Nice one,” he chuckled. “Now, the first thing we’re going to work on is this phobia of blood.” Smirking, he nudged my shoulder with his. “Because I’ve a feeling there’s an unmerciful beast of a flanker inside you just waiting to come out … ”
“Gibs.”
“Come on, Gibs, lad, it’s me.”
“Come back, Gibs. Come on back to me.”
My best friend’s familiar voice filled my ears, and I whipped around to find him standing in the middle of my bedroom with his hands in the air. “Johnny?”
“The one and only.” His tone was soft, coaxing, and laced with approval. “See? I knew you could hear me, fucker.”
Feeling panicked, like I had just been chewed up by one of my night terrors and then spat back out into the real world. “Johnny?”
“It’s me, Gibs.” He took a step closer, hands still raised. “I’m right here, lad.”
I looked around my room, feeling the familiar swell of hysteria rise up as my eyes took in the carnage. I did that. I knew it had to be me. Everything was trashed. My bed. My furniture. My walls? The curtain? “Jesus Christ!”
And my mother? I cast a panicked glance in the direction of my mother. She was standing in my bedroom doorway with her head in her hands. Keith was standing behind her, looking as pale as a ghost.
“That’s it,” Johnny continued to coax but when his voice cracked, I noticed the tears trickling down his cheeks. “Just stay with me, Gibs.”
Why was he saying that?
Why was he crying?
Why the fuck was I crying?
“Gerard!” Claire’s voice cut through all of the bullshit and haze, and I turned just in time to find her being held up by her brother.
“What the fuck is happening?” I demanded, feeling panicked, as everyone stared at me. “What did I do?”
“Nothing, Gibs.” Johnny was the one to answer me, taking another step towards me. “I just … ” Pausing, he licked his lips and glanced at my hand before he quickly retrained his attention on my face. “Can you hear me?”
“Of course I can hear you!” I snapped. “Why the fuck wouldn’t I hear you?”
His attention shifted to my hand again and that’s when I looked down. “Oh Jesus Christ.”
Blood.
Thick, red, crimson blood was flowing freely from my hand, dripping steadily onto the carpet. The massive shard of broken mirror I was clutching was no doubt the culprit of my bleeding. “Jesus,” I strangled out, immediately tossing the shard away from my body and then heaving when I noticed just how badly drenched in blood my dress shirt was. “I didn’t … I wasn’t … ” Shaking my head, I staggered backward, feeling weak from the sight of my hand. “I would never hurt any of you.”
“Everyone here knows that, lad,” Johnny agreed, closing the space between us. “You’re a good man. You wouldn’t hurt a fly. So, don’t you worry about that, alright? Because it’s not any of us that we’re worried you’ll hurt, Gibs.”
“I didn’t mean to,” I hurried to appease, roughly batting my tears away, as blood poured from my hand. “I don’t know how I’m still standing,” I mumbled, somehow managing to not pass out from the sight of it. “I think I might be in a bit of shock or something, Johnny.” I reached up with a trembling hand and tapped my head. “I think I might be gone a bit wrong in here.”
“Don’t worry about it … ” His voice cracked when he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me roughly against his chest. “It happens to the best of us.”
“I’m okay, Cap,” I mumbled against his shoulder, as he held me in his arms. “I’m always okay.”
“Oh God, Gerard, is it true?” My mam was crying in the distance.
“What do you mean is it true?” That was my old friend Hugh. “Of course it’s fucking true, Sadhbh! Look at him.”
“Gibs!” Was Feely crying?
“Gerard!” My walking heartbeat.
“Can everyone just clear out for a few minutes,” I heard my best friend command, chasing all the voices away. “Gibs and I are having a bit of a moment here, and we don’t need ye bunch of bleeding babies crying around the place, now do we, Gibs?”
“No.” Numb, I leaned my cheek on his shoulder and let him hold me. “No crying babies.”
“He needs to have that arm seen to, Johnny, and the Gards are on the way.”
“And that’s fine, and he will get it seen to,” Johnny replied in a coaxing tone, as he lowered us both to the floor. “Just give him a minute.”
“They know, don’t they?” I whispered, slumped against him. “Everyone knows.”
His arms tightened around me, and he pulled me closer. “You’re going to be okay.”
“All the things he did to my body.” Feeling lifeless, I stared blankly ahead, the tears trickling down my cheek. “I didn’t want any of it, Johnny.”
“I know you didn’t, Gibs … ” He choked out a pained cry and continued to rock me back and forth. “I believe you.”
“I don’t want her to know.”
“Claire?”
I nodded, feeling empty. “She won’t be able to love me now.”
“She already loves you,” he strangled out. “We all love ya.” Sniffling, he pulled me closer and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I love the fucking bones of you, ya mad eejit.” He choked out a pained laugh. “And if you think this is going to chase me off then you’ve another thing coming, fucker, because I’m never leaving you. Do ya hear me? Because you’re my Gibs.”
“And you’re my Kav.”
“That’s right.” He was crying hard now, and I think I was, too, but I felt so safe with him that I didn’t fight the noises and words and sounds that poured out of me. Instead, for the first time since my father died, I let it all out.
