Time was supposed to be a healer, but several hours had passed and I still felt every blade of betrayal in my back, without a hint of letting up.
My emotions were in turmoil, and I kept switching between thinking I made a terrible decision to doubling down on my decision to protect my poor battered heart.
Was there a chance I had it wrong and was overreacting? Of course, but my heart wasn’t nearly wise or weathered enough to take another risk. How could I willingly put my heart back in the ring with Gerard’s when every time in the past it had been KO’d.
When my bedroom door opened, and Gerard appeared in the door a little after 3am, like the lyrics of my favorite Busted song, I wasn’t even surprised. Just sad.
“Will you do something for me?” he asked in the darkness. Taking my silence as a nod to continue, he asked, “Will you take a walk with me?”
“A walk?” Wow. I didn’t recognize my own voice. It was croaky and hoarse.
“Please.”
I could hear the seriousness in his tone. It was the only reason I threw the covers off and whispered, “Okay.”
“Thank you.”
Weary, I slipped into my dressing gown and toed on my slippers before moving for the door. “Just around the cul de sac, okay?”
“Whatever you want,” he replied, following after me.
“So,” I said when we stepped into the night air and Gerard pulled the front door shut behind us, “is this a ‘deep and meaningful talk’ kind of walk, or an ‘outrunning your nightmares’ kind of walk?”
It was at least −2 degrees, the sky was crystal clear, which was a no-brainer indicator of frost and ice, but Gerard clearly didn’t seem to notice. Walking beside me in a t-shirt and sweatpants, he emanated heat.
“It’s more of an ‘I fucked up and I can’t sleep from the guilt that’s eating me alive’ kind of walk.”
My feet momentarily faltered, but I quickly recovered, desperately trying to keep my composure. “So, you were with Catwoman?”
“Not last Saturday night, I wasn’t,” he vowed. “I was in the past, but haven’t been in a very, very long time.” He reached for my hand only to pull back at the last moment and sigh heavily. “I promise you faithfully that I haven’t looked at, let alone touched, another girl since last Easter.”
“Okay.” I shoved my half-perished hands into the pockets of my dressing gown. “I believe you.”
“Don’t,” he warned, voice thick with emotion, clearly noticing my physical retreat.
“I have to,” I whispered brokenly. “I’ll never get over us if I don’t try.”
“Don’t,” he repeated, gray eyes locked on mine. “Don’t let it go.” He swallowed deeply. “Don’t get over us.”
“Gerard … ”
He reached a hand between us and trailed his thumb over my bottom lip, not stopping until his hand was in my hair, tilting my face up to his.
“Don’t do it.” Trembling from head to toe, I reached a hand between us and covered his mouth. “Not if you’re going to backpedal again.” Expelling a shaky breath, I trailed my tongue over my bottom lip, tasting my trepidation. “Because I honestly don’t think my heart could take it.”
His eyes were focused entirely on mine in this moment as he slowly raised his hand to mine and peeled it from his mouth. “I meant it the first time.” His chest was heaving from the sheer force of his breathing. “I meant it the last time.” Hooking one strong arm around my waist, he pulled my body flush against his. “And I mean it now.”
“Ger—” My words were swallowed up by his lips when they landed on mine.
What had started as a featherlight kiss quickly progressed into something much deeper, and far more serious. The feel of his tongue in my mouth as it dueled with mine, taking slow drugging swipes of pleasure.
“I’ve been a poor man for you,” he broke our kiss by saying. “I see that now. It took me a while, and I fully admit that I’ve been a little caught up in my fucked-up brain, but I’m seeing it now, Claire.” His tone was charged, his eyes full of urgency. “I’m seeing you, okay? Not that I ever didn’t. But I’m hearing you, baby.” Exhaling a shaky breath, he dropped his head to rest against mine. “From here on out, I will follow you anywhere.”
My heart leapt in my chest. “What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s yours,” he ground out hoarsely. “Whatever you want from me. It’s yours, Claire.”
“You really mean that?”
“I really mean it,” he vowed, looking just as petrified as I felt. “I want to be your boyfriend and I want you to be my girlfriend.”
“You do?” I squeezed out, trembling.
He nodded. “Absolutely.”
“I’m scared now,” I admitted, heart racing wildly in my chest, as I looked up at him. “I don’t want to get hurt.” I don’t want you to hurt me.
“I don’t blame you,” he surprised me by saying. “I know I’ve given you the worst impression of me at times, and I can’t take any of it back, but you need to know that I never intended to hurt you.”
“I understand that, Gerard, I do.”
“Thank you,” he replied, exhaling a sigh of relief. “For being the most understanding person I’ve ever met.”
“I want to be with you,” I heard myself admit, voice torn from the countless tears I’d spent. “I want everything you just said, but I don’t … ” I paused and shook my head, unsure of how to voice my thoughts aloud.
“It’s okay,” he was quick to reassure. “You don’t need to make any decisions right now.”
“No, you don’t,” he confirmed, tipping my chin up and offering me a small smile. “We can put the brakes on until you’re ready.”
“We can?”
“Yeah, Claire-Bear, we can.”
This time, when he reached for my hand, it felt distinctively different than all the other times.
It felt more important.
It felt like I was being seen and my feelings were being validated.
It felt like forever.
“You waited for me,” he said, squeezing my hand. “Now it’s my turn to wait for you.”
