I was quiet the entire drive to the cinema, while I listened to Jamie harp on about random hooligan attacks on parked cars at Tommen. Apparently, Jamie had been the victim of one such attack, and because of this, had resorted to driving his mother’s Fiesta, while the engine of his own car was being worked on at Tony’s Garage downtown.
I smiled politely and responded at all the right cues, but I would be a liar if I said I felt comfortable. In truth, I felt anything but. Seeing Gerard in my kitchen before we left for our date had thrown a spanner into the midst of an already very bad idea. The look of betrayal in his gray eyes was undeniable and I felt like such a damn fraud.
You are not a fraud.
You are doing the right thing.
Finally. After sixteen years of hanging on a limb, waiting for a boy who was never going to step forward for me, I was doing the right thing for myself and moving on.
If it’s so right, then why does it feel so wrong?
When we took our seats at the back of the cinema, I felt more than a little uncertain. I wasn’t used to sharing a couple’s seat with anyone other than Gerard.
Usually, we brought a blanket and everything and made ourselves comfortable. I’d spent some of my favorite Saturday afternoons right here in screen two with the boy across the street, watching matinee movies that ranged from cartoons when we were younger to romance, thrillers, and even gory horror.
In a weird way, I felt like I was cheating on him somehow by being here with another boy. A boy that wasn’t him. It was a ridiculous way to feel, considering he’d been with lots of girls. But I couldn’t help how I felt. I couldn’t seem to trick my heart into believing this was a good idea, even my brain was strongly encouraging me to be here with Jamie.
An anxious feeling tugged at my belly, but I pushed it down, needing to not let my heart talk me out of what my head knew was best.
Jamie had nice hair. It was dark and spiked and had the perfect amount of gel pushed through it. And he smelled really nice. I was a dinger for scents, and I could pick out his Hugo Boss cologne a mile off.
It was nice.
This was nice.
When he shifted in his seat during the movie and casually draped an arm over my shoulder, I felt a pang of panic gnaw at my gut, before swiftly shutting that down with a mental verbal warning. This is fine. This is what you wanted. You’re not doing anything wrong here, Claire. Just go with it.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Nodding, I smiled brightly up at him, trying to send the warmest, kindest vibes I could muster out into the atmosphere. This is good. It’s all good, and you’re on the right path. “You?”
“I’m really glad you decided to do this with me.” His arm tightened around my shoulder.
My heart fluttered uncertainly, and it almost felt like it was trying to break its way out of my chest and fly back home to him. “Yeah.” I smiled. “Me, too.”
“Good.” Still smiling, he leaned in closer. “I think you’re very beautiful.”
Oh God.
Oh no.
Run, Claire, run!
“I’m hungry,” I blurted out, turning my face away just in the nick of time. Jamie’s lips grazed my cheek, and I quickly stuffed a handful of popcorn into my mouth. “Mmm! Tastes so … good.”
*
Please don’t say it.
Please God don’t let him say it.
“So, we should do this again sometime,” Jamie said when he pulled up outside my house after the cinema, and the clichéd phrase made me internally gag. How predictable.
“It was a good night,” I replied politely, while not giving him an answer. “I had a nice time.” Quickly unfastening my seatbelt, I reached for the door handle and pushed the door open. “Thank you for inviting me,” I added, turning back to offer him a polite smile. “I’ll see you at school tom—”
My words were cut off when Jamie planted his mouth on mine.
Completely stunned by the abrupt move, I froze with my eyes wide open, and his lips clamped shut.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Ew, ew, ew!
When he dug a hand into my curls and tried to deepen the kiss by slobbering his tongue against my firmly closed lips, I arched backwards until my hands found purchase on the concrete footpath outside.
Scrambling backwards like a double-jointed ninja, I climbed out of the car and sprang to my feet. “Okay, ew!” I didn’t even bother to try to hide the shudder that rolled through me. “Just … ew!”
“I’m sorry,” Jamie replied, tone gruff and eyes full of darkened lust. “Was that too fast for you?”
“Uh, yeah.” Turning on my heels, I hurried up the driveway to my house, all the while ignoring the boy calling after me.
“Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew!” The minute I was safely inside my front door, I shook and shimmied around the front hall, feeling like spiders were crawling all over my skin. “Oh my God!”
“How was the date?” Hugh called out from the sitting room.
“Traumatizing,” I called back, moving for the stairs. “He tried to lick my mouth, Hugh!”
I heard my brother snort in response. “I hope you kicked him in the nuts.”
“I was too busy trying to evade his giant tongue.”
“Nice.”
“Believe me, Hugh, it was the opposite of nice.”
“Then delete his number.”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s on the agenda.” Gagging, I thundered up the staircase. “Right after I take a shower in Listerine!”
Cherub was on my bed when I walked into my bedroom after showering, looking like a sweet baby angel all nestled up in my dressing gown.
“Hi, my pretty girl,” I cooed, clambering onto my bed to join her. “Did you miss me?”
I barely had time to get comfortable when my bedroom door swung inwards.
“How was your date?”
“Excellent,” I replied, narrowing my eyes when Gerard swaggered into my room without knocking. “Couldn’t have gone better.”
“Marvelous,” he replied sarcastically. “I’m delighted for you.”
“Thank you,” I snapped back, furious with my heart for beating so damn fast at the mere sight of him. “So am I.”
“Right, well, let’s just get this over with, shall we?”
“Get what over with, exactly?”
“The matter of custody.” Rolling up the sleeves of his school shirt, Gerard glanced around my room before finally settling his heated gaze on me. “You can’t keep my kids from me. I have rights.”
“Are you serious?” I shook my head and gaped at him. “Oh my god, Gerard, I’m not going to keep the babies from you.”
“That’s what you say now,” he argued, moving for the basket in the corner of my room. “But I’ve been through this before, Claire.” Reaching inside, he gently scooped Dick into his arms. “I know how it goes when the mam gets a new partner.” Stroking him affectionately, he pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I won’t be pushed out of their lives.”
“Gerard.” My mouth fell open as my brain absorbed his words. “I would never do that to our family.”
“That’s what they all say, but I’m telling you now, if you even think about letting him meet our babies, I will lose my fucking mind, Claire,” he added. “I mean it. It’s bad enough that I had to watch him take you out tonight, but if I see him in this room with these cats, I will lose it.”
“Oh, calm down, will you?” I snapped, clambering off the bed. “I went to the cinema with Jamie, I didn’t accept a marriage proposal from him.” Stalking over to him, I swiped Dick out of his arms and placed him back in the basket with his littermates. “I think one date is a little early for family introductions.”
“That’s what I thought, too,” Gerard agreed, hands on hips. “But then I walked into the kitchen and found him with your mother and brother.”
Aw crackers.
He had me there.
“Listen, I didn’t ask him to do that,” I heard myself say, trying to reason with the part of my friend that had been damaged from his parents’ behavior during his formative years. “I thought he would wait in the car.” Shrugging helplessly, I added, “I mean, isn’t that what boys are supposed to do when they take girls out on dates?”
“I have no idea, Claire,” Gerard replied hotly, “because the only girl I’ve ever taken out is standing in front of me.”
“Gerard.”
“I can take you,” he blurted out. “If there’s a film you want to see, I’ll take you, Claire.”
“That’s not what tonight was about.”
“Then what was it about?”
“Gerard.” My heart jackknifed in my chest. “You know why I went out with him tonight.”
“Nope,” he stubbornly replied. “No clue.”
“Yes, you do,” I accused, mirroring his actions by planting my hands on my hips. “You know exactly why.”
“Well, if you meant to hurt me, then congratu-fucking-lations, Claire, because it worked,” he tossed back. “You succeeded.”
“Well, now you know how I feel!” I shot back, feeling a million different emotions rush through me. “Oh my God!” I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I stamped my foot in the heat of the moment. “You are so frustrating!”
“Me?” His eyes widened in outrage. “You’re the one in the relationship when you’re already in a relationship.”
“I am not in a relationship, Gerard.”
“Yes, you are,” he roared back at me. “With me!”
“We are not together, Gerard.”
“Yes, we are!”
“I’m not yours.”
“Well, I’m yours,” he came right back with. “I’m yours, Claire.”
His words sucked the air out of the room, and I staggered back, feeling like he had physically struck me. The hypocrisy was suffocating.
“Then why didn’t you think about me before you put your mouth on other girls!” I roared back at him.
His eyes bulged and he threw his hands up in frustration. “What girls?”
“How about Bernadette Brady for starters!” I threw back at him. “Hugh said you fingered her in second year, and you took a drink!”
“Bernadette Brady?” He gaped at me like I had lost my mind. “Jesus Christ, Claire, that was a million years ago. I don’t even remember what she looks like!”
“Well, I remember how it felt when I heard about it and it hurt, Gerard.” I pressed a hand to my chest and growled. “God, it’s not fair. You are not being fair here! You’re acting like there’s one rule for you and a whole other set of rules for me!”
“Listen, I might have made a few mistakes in the past, and I’m far from fucking perfect, but contrary to popular belief, I’m not walking around town, ramming my tongue down other girls’ throats, Claire!”
“Oh my god!” I screamed, throwing my hands up. “You just keep wrecking my plans, Gerard!”
“What plans?” he shouted back. “The plans you have with Jamie fucking Kelleher.”
“With any other boys.”
“Good!”
“Good?” I eyeballed him with intent to cause bodily harm. “Good? That’s all you have to say for yourself?”
“Yeah, good.” He doubled down by adding, “I’m not sorry, and I’m not stepping aside again!”
“Stepping aside?” I gaped at him. “Gerard, you chose to step aside!”
“Yeah, well now I’m choosing not to,” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “I’ll give you my weekends, Claire. I’ll give you my weekdays, too. Whatever you want. Cinemas. Restaurants. Date nights. It’s yours. Just promise me you won’t go out with him again.”
“You’re only saying this because you’re jealous,” I shot back, trembling. “Because Jamie dared to kiss me when you weren’t … ”
“Hold up.” His face paled and he pushed a shaky hand through his hair. “You kissed him?”
“No,” I choked out, feeling my face flame. “I didn’t kiss him.”
“But he kissed you?”
“Yes.”
Frozen to the spot, I watched as a million different emotions flickered in his eyes. “Jamie kissed you tonight?” he asked again. “At the cinema?”
“In his car,” I croaked out.
“He kissed you in his car?”
“Yes.”
Reaching up, he rubbed his chest before asking, “Was it good?”
I thought about it for a moment before saying, “No.”
He swallowed deeply. “No?”
“No,” I whispered, feeling my entire body tremble, as I watched him watch me.
“Why wasn’t it good, Claire?”
“Because it wasn’t … ” you. “Expected.”
“Expected.” He nodded to himself. “Okay.”
“No.” Heart aching, I stood in front of Gerard, and locked my legs in place. “No, it’s not okay, Gerard.” Everything inside of me was demanding I go to him, and it was taking an inhuman amount of mental strength to stand my ground. “It’s not okay at all.”
Gerard bowed his head in defeat but didn’t say a word.
“It’s not okay,” I repeated, readjusting the towel I had wrapped around me. “Because this hurts.”
“Don’t say that.” His voice was barely more than a whisper and laced with helpless urgency. “Please don’t fucking say that, Claire.”
“This hurts me, Gerard,” I repeated, refusing to let him off the hook this time. “Your behavior is hurting me.”
“I love you,” he stated quietly. “I always have. Take that whatever way you want. It’s still the truth.”
“You can’t love me and then do stuff with other girls.”
“Well, that’s exactly what happened,” he replied, voice torn. “I did stupid shit; maybe it was because I was afraid, or maybe because I’ve never felt worthy of you.” Shaking his head, he gave me one final glance before walking to the door. “Either way, I can’t change my past.”
