Raging. I was absolutely raging and no amount of fresh air in the school car park with Lynchy, or coddling from Kav could bring my mood out of the darkness.
“Just walk away, Gibs,” Johnny instructed for what had to be the fiftieth time, as he hung slightly back from where I was standing and barked orders like the dutiful captain he was. “Whenever that girl tries to start drama with you, lad. Don’t react and walk away.”
“I can handle the viper, Kav,” I shot back, taking a furious drag of my cigarette. “She’s the least of my worries right now.”
It was the truth. Nothing Lizzie ever said or did could prepare my body for the punch to the solar plexus it received upon hearing the good news.
“Fucking Jamie Kelleher,” I bit out, still reeling, as I tried to get a handle on my emotions only to fail miserably. “I hate him, Cap. I really fucking hate that spotty-faced swot.”
“I know you do, Gibs,” Johnny soothed in agreement. “Me, too, lad.”
“Good-for-nothing brainiac,” I continued to rant, growing more incensed by the second. “Why her?” Anger bristled inside of me as I allowed my mind to linger and dwell. As I drove myself mental from overthinking. “Why?”
Jamie didn’t know Claire. Not really. Not at fucking all. He didn’t know a damn thing about her love of fashion or her prized collection of stuffed animals. He had zero insight into her obsession with Johnny Depp, nor had he any inkling of the letter she wrote to Leonardo DiCaprio when she was seven, asking him to visit Ballylaggin. I was the one who knew her small parts, the insignificant oversights that made up the best parts of her personality. I was also the one who rescued her from that noisy bastard of a bull in the field behind Johnny’s place when we were kids. I was the one that took the shocks off the electric fence, so she didn’t have to. I was the one who spent every waking hour of my life not only adoring her but protecting her with my life. Not Jamie fucking Kelleher!
Leaning against an expensive-looking parked Mercedes, Joey took another drag of his cigarette, observing my meltdown unfolding around him like a caged lion would; slightly bored and momentarily contained, but absolutely lethal if provoked.
I knew he wasn’t much older than me, but I never felt like I was on the same playing field as Shannon’s brother. He had an old head on his shoulders, a lot like my bestie, but he had a jaded element to him that wasn’t present in Shannon or the younger boys. Christ, it didn’t even seem to be present in Darren. An element that expressed that he had felt every one of his eighteen spins around the sun, and it had weathered him to the point that he was an old man in a teenager’s body. I mean, he was a father, dammit. He was an actual dad to an actual human being. That alone blew my mind.
“What I don’t understand is why you’re not with her already,” Joey finally joined in the conversation by saying in a lazy tone.
“Who?” I gaped at him in horror. “Lizzie?”
“Yeah,” Joey replied, tone laced with sarcasm. “Because that makes sense.”
“He was referring to Claire,” Johnny interjected with an expectant look. “And don’t waste your breath, Lynchy, because I’ve been saying the same bleeding thing for years, and it’s still falling on deaf ears.”
“Because it’s not the right time,” I ground out, feeling my body break out in a cold sweat at the thought. “I’ve already told you a thousand times, Kav, not everyone wants to settle down in secondary school.”
“Except that you do,” Johnny pointed out in the know-it-all tone of his.
“How’d you figure that one?”
“With her, you do,” he stated calmly. “Because you love the bones of that girl and this sour mood that you’re sporting is directly related to the fact that another fella is planning on asking her out.”
Hit the nail on the head, why don’t you?
“Give it a rest, Brains,” I grumbled, tossing my cigarette butt away.
“And you’re in serious risk of losing said girl if you don’t pull your finger out of your hole and start grafting,” my best friend continued, not giving an inch.
“Agreed,” his future brother-in-law offered with a shrug. “From where I’m standing, she’s yours to lose, Gussie.”
“Exactly,” Johnny confirmed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Because whether you want to acknowledge it or not, she won’t wait around forever, Gibs.”
“True that,” Joey offered with a grimace. “You don’t want to be the third wheel, lad.”
“So, my advice to you, as your best friend, is to go for it,” Johnny pushed, blue eyes locked on mine. “Come on, Gibs, you’ve never been one to worry about throwing caution to the wind in any other aspect of your life.”
No, because no other aspect of my life was as important as her.
“Just get your girl, lad, and be happy,” he urged, closing the space between us to clamp my shoulders. An act of enthusiasm, no doubt. “What have you got to lose?”
More than you know.
More than I can bear.
“Because I’m not in a hurry!” I tossed back, knowing my argument was weak as shit, but I didn’t have anything else. They didn’t get it. How the hell could they? “We don’t all bulldoze, Jonathan! And we don’t all mark our turf with a baby, Joseph.” I cast a knowing glance at the pair of assholes doling out words of wisdom like they were the messiahs of pussy. “Some of us take our time when making life-altering decisions!”
“You’re so lazy!” Johnny challenged, sounding just as frustrated with me as I was with the conversation. “Claire is going to move on, Gibs, and you’re going to lose your shot, lad.”
“Don’t give me that judge-y look,” I warned, breaking out of his hold to point a finger in his face. “I don’t need anyone else’s opinions on my love life, thank you very much.”
“Morning, boys,” an achingly familiar voice purred. I turned around to see Dee locking the driver’s side of her car nearby, and I swear to Christ, I could have wept. What bloody timing.
“Morning, Dee,” Johnny acknowledged politely, while he not so discreetly elbowed me in the ribs like I wasn’t already fully aware of the woman. “Nice weather.”
“Not as wet as I like,” she tossed back with a heavy dollop of flirtation. “How are my favorite boys?”
“The fuck?” Joey whisper-hissed, clearly noting how inappropriate her behavior was. “Isn’t she office admin?”
“Yep, and yep,” Johnny replied, nudging me again. “She’s the school’s receptionist.”
“It’s a long story,” I muttered under my breath, covering my words with an exaggerated cough. “I’ll tell you later.”
“Don’t think I want to know, Gus.” With a shake of his head, Joey pushed off the car he was leaning against and headed back towards the main building. “Not my monkeys. Not my circus.”
Wise decision.
Wise fucking man.
With a stack of paperwork in her arms, Dee shimmied towards us, all shaking hips and bouncy tits.
Again, I felt nothing.
Fuck.
“How was your weekend, boys?”
“All good,” Johnny replied, taking a safe step back from who he privately referred to as Cougar-Dee. “How was yours?”
“Boring,” she replied, taking a step closer, blue eyes locked on my face. “I was alone in my house all weekend.”
“Yeah, that sounds pretty boring,” Johnny answered for both of us. Catching ahold of the back of my shirt, he pulled me backwards with him. “Well, we better be getting to class,” he said, tone as polite as ever, as he hauled me out of harm’s way. “Have a good day, Dee.”
“Bye, boys,” she called after us. “Don’t be afraid to pop into the office if either one of you need anything.”
“Will do,” he tossed over his shoulder, as he steered us both towards the main entrance at lightning speed.
“Jesus, where’s the fire?” I huffed, breaking out of his hold before I had to break into a run to keep up with the overgrown bastard. “Slow down.”
“We need to talk about that.”
“What?”
“Cougar-Dee,” Johnny whisper-hissed, as he yanked the door open and shoved me inside. “What’s happening there?”
“You mean today?” My brows shot up in surprise. “I just saw her in the car park, same as you.”
“You know that’s not what I mean,” he growled. “Christ, Gibs, she’s almost thirty, lad.”
“Actually, she’s more like twenty-four.”
He paused in the doorway to gape at me. “No fucking way.”
“Hand on heart. She was in the same year as Caoimhe Young,” I offered with a nod. “It’s the makeup – and the sunbed.”
“More proof that sunscreen is invaluable,” he grumbled, pushing us both inside. “Whatever. Listen, I think we need to have a proper talk about her. I should have said something about this a long time ago,” he continued, walking us through the corridor. “But to be honest, I was so stuck in my own head that I didn’t give it a second thought.”
“Give what a second thought?” I asked, letting him lead me into the empty lunch hall. “What in the name of God are you on about, Kav?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of growing up since Shannon and the boys came to stay with us, and it got me thinking about right and wrong.” Taking his seat on his throne at the end of the rugby table, he drummed his fingers on the table, clearly unnerved. “And this is wrong, lad. So fucking wrong.”
“Care to fill in the blanks here, Cap?” I asked, dropping into my usual seat opposite him. “Because I’m kind of stumped.”
“Dee, lad,” Johnny repeated, pushing his hands through his hair.
“Yeah,” I drawled slowly. “What about her?”
Bristling with tension, he looked around us before leaning in close and whispering, “I think she’s been grooming you, lad.”
“Grooming me?”
“Yes.” Eyes wide, he nodded eagerly. “Grooming you.”
I stared blankly at him for a long beat before bursting out laughing. “Get a fucking handle on yourself, Johnny.”
“Gibs,” he urged, “I’m being serious here.”
“So am I,” I laughed. “Don’t get all high and mighty with me because you’ve got a girlfriend now.”
“That’s not what I’m doing, lad.”
“And don’t fucking judge me,” I added, sitting up. “I’ve done a lot of favors for you that resulted in me owing favors to that woman.”
“That’s what horrifies me,” he snapped. “It’s wrong, Gibs. This is all wrong. It’s a consent issue.”
I gaped at him. “Consent?”
“Gibs,” he snapped, leaning over the table. “That woman has been fucking around with you since we were fourth year.” Shaking his head, he bit out, “Since you were fifteen.”
“Now, hold the hell up,” I snapped, feeling myself bristle with defensiveness. “First off, I haven’t touched that woman since I got my ladder piercing back in fifth year – not that it’s any of your business, but I haven’t. Not one goddamn time. And, again, not that it’s any of your business, but I have no plans to change that.”
“Good.” His visibly sagged in relief. “At least that.”
“And second,” I continued, feeling pissed, “I never once forced her to do anything, if that’s what you’re getting at.” Panic clawed at my gut as I glared at my best friend. “I would never force anyone!”
“I’m not talking about her giving consent, Gibs,” Johnny argued, dragging a hand through his dark hair in obvious frustration. “I’m talking about you, lad.”
I stared in confusion, trying and failing to absorb the meaning behind his words. “What?”
“Sex, Gibs,” Johnny groaned, looking comically distressed. “You know if she fucked you back then, it’s classed as statutory rape.”
“What in the … ” I shook my head and pressed a fist to my mouth, trying my hardest to find the words to deal with my best friend’s latest theory of madness. Dee was exactly what I needed in a time when I didn’t know what I needed, but there was no point in trying to explain that to Johnny. Because, in all honesty, how could I expect him to understand when I didn’t understand it myself? “No. Nope. No. I cannot deal with your overthinking – not to mention hypocritical – brain this early on a Monday morning.”
“Gibs … ”
“How many older women did you fuck when you weren’t supposed to?” I demanded. “Before you decided to hang up your boots and throw your cards in with Little Shannon.”
“Too many,” he wholeheartedly admitted. “Too goddamn many, and that’s what I’m trying to say here, Gibs—”
“Well, that’s one more than me!” Throwing my hands up in defeat, I shook my head and fought the urge to both laugh and scream. “Because I never fucked her, Johnny!” Huffing out a breath, I begrudgingly added, “I just canoodled her.”
“And canoodling in your worlds consists of?”
“What does it mean in your world?”
“Humor me, Gibs.”
Everything for her and nothing for me. I folded my arms across my chest and shrugged. “Listen, it was oral, okay, just a little oral and heavy petting. Fucking sue me for taking the chance of a lifetime.”
“You swear nothing else happened?”
“Yes.”
“And you swear to me that it will never happen again?”
“Yes, Johnny, I swear.”
My best friend exhaled an audible breath. “I know I probably sound like an awful hypocrite to you, given my previous behavior, but I worry about you, Gibs.” His shoulders sagged in defeat, and he dropped his head in his hands. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and when I saw her looking at you like that, it suddenly clicked into place for me.”
“No need to worry about me, Johnny, lad,” I tried to appease. “I’m always okay.”
“I can’t bleeding help it,” he admitted with a rueful smile. “Despite my best efforts, I’ve grown regrettably attached to you.” Smirking, he added, “And all of your sixteen other personalities.”
“Aw, shucks.” I grinned back at him. “Is this your way of telling me you love me, Cap?”
“Whatever floats your boat, Gibs.”
