What started as a good-natured game of Never Have I Ever had morphed into something that resembled a warped episode of Jerry Springer.
Maybe it was the whiskey flowing in his veins, or maybe it was payback for bringing up the whole Lizzie fiasco, but Hugh was on fire with his questions.
“Never have I ever fingered Bernadette Brady against the wall at The Boiler Room disco in second year.”
Savage.
“Anyone?” Hugh continued to goad; his eyes narrowed on me as he held up his full shot glass. “Anyone at all?”
Bastard.
Drunk or not, I was acutely aware of the girl sitting beside me. This was a dangerous fucking game, and his question was below the belt.
Regrettably, I raised my glass to my lips and tossed it back.
When Claire stiffened beside me, and croaked out the word, “Ew,” I was filled with self-loathing.
“Okay, guys,” Katie slurred, three sheets to the wind right along with the rest of us. “Maybe we should call it a night?”
Yeah, fuck that. “My turn.” Snatching up the almost empty bottle of whiskey, I clumsily refilled my glass and raised it up. “Never have I ever got caught kissing my girlfriend in the treehouse by my mam?”
When Hugh raised his glass to his lips, Katie shook her head in confusion. “Sinead never caught us in the treehouse, Hugh.”
Take that, fucker.
With a guilt-ridden expression on his face, Hugh tossed the shot of whiskey down his throat, causing his girlfriend to whisper the word, “Oh.”
“My turn.” Furious, Hugh used the last drop from the bottle to refill his glass, clearly seething. “Never have I ever fucked an older woman.”
I glared back at him, equally seething.
“Drink up, Gibs,” he bit out.
“No can do, lad.”
“This is a truth game.”
“I know,” I deadpanned.
“Then take the fucking shot.”
My jaw clenched. “No.”
“Guys, I think we need to stop,” Katie tried again, placing her hand on her boyfriend’s shoulder. “It’s getting way too deep between you guys.”
“How about I rephrase the question to never have I ever stuck my dick in a member of the school administration,” Hugh pushed, ignoring his girlfriend’s plea. “Bottoms up, lad.”
Unblinking, I raised the glass to my lips but stopped short at the final second and tipped my glass upside down instead, not giving two shits when the whiskey seeped into the fabric of my sweats.
“You broke the rules.” Hugh folded his arms across his chest. “We win.”
I shrugged nonchalantly. “If you say so, lad.”
“You guys are on clean-up duty.”
“For two months.”
“No, no, no … ” Yawning loudly, Claire burrowed her way under my arm and snuggled closer. “Night, guys. No cleaning for me tonight.”
“No … ” Katie wailed, crawling onto the couch to pull at Claire’s arm. “Don’t leave me on my own while these two have their pissing contest.”
“But I’m drunk,” Claire half-whispered, half-slurred, somehow managing to clamber onto my lap. “And so … sleepy.” Inhaling deeply, she loosely hooked an arm around my neck. “Mm … ” Nuzzling my chest with her cheek, she fisted my shirt with her free hand before whispering, “Take me to bed, Gerard.”
In any other circumstances, hearing her say those words would have sent a thrill through me. Instead, a huge swell of guilt rose inside of me, so much so that it was sobering me up.
“The ground’s spinning, Gerard,” she hiccupped. “Mm … don’t let me fall.”
Jesus.
What the hell was I thinking letting her drink whiskey?
“I’ve got you, Claire,” I coaxed, making a conscious effort to sober myself the hell up, as I stood up, taking her with me. “You’re safe with me, babe.”
“I know,” she agreed with a contented sigh, eyes still closed. “My bestie.”
Ignoring Hugh who was still glaring daggers at me, I proceeded to walk in an impressively straight line, all things considered, towards the staircase.
I was far from a responsible drunk. Usually, I was the friend in the group that needed to be taken care of.
But tonight was different.
Tonight, I had to man up.
Because this was Claire.
“Nearly there,” I coaxed when we reached the top of the landing. “A few more feet—” I paused to kick her door open “—and you can sleep in your nice warm bed.”
“With you.”
“If that’s what you want,” I replied, sitting her down on the edge of her bed.
“That’s what I always want,” she slurred, swaying from side to side.
“Then I’ll stay,” I confirmed, quickly ushering Cherub and the babies back to their own basket. “I’ll be right here with you.”
“Good,” she hiccupped. “Because I’m super drunk.”
“Yeah, babe, I know.” Drowning in my guilt, I returned to her side. “You’ll be okay.” Reaching for her feet, I gently peeled her Ugg boots off before tossing them in her shoebox. “Right as rain in the morning.” Walking over to her dressing table, I retrieved the headband I knew she wore to bed each night. “And I’ll cook you up a nice, crispy fry-up.”
“I might puke,” she confessed. “My stomach’s rolling.”
“I’m good with puke. Just don’t bleed on me and we’re golden,” I replied, sitting down beside her. “Now, how do we put this thing on?” Concentrating as hard as I could, I carefully placed the headband on just like she would if she could.
“Tie it back, please,” she instructed in a weak tone, leaning heavily against my shoulder. “In case I … ” a hiccup escaped her before she could finish “ … puke.”
“Ah, shit, Claire-Bear.” Retrieving the thick fabric scrunchie from her wrist, I attempted to pulls her curls into a haphazard ponytail. “You’re putting me to the pin of my collar here.”
“You’re always my hero,” she half-slurred, half-laughed. “So pretty.”
I waggled my brows at the compliment. “Why thank you.”
“You are,” she offered then, tone serious, as she reached up to trail a finger down my cheek. “You’re so pretty.”
“I’ve been told I have a certain boyish charm to me that chiseled abs and strong jawlines can’t absorb.”
“And silly,” she slurred. “Super silly.”
“I love you.” The words flew out of my mouth of their own accord. Forcing a smile, I gave her cheek a playful squeeze before adding, “my little snuckle-bunny.”
“Why thank you very much—” she paused to hiccup “—my little spud monkey.”
“Spud monkey?” I laughed. “That’s all you could come up with?”
“Yep,” she laughed too and then quickly contorted in what looked like physical pain. “Oh God, no!”
“What?” I demanded, startled by her sudden switch in mood. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m so sad, Gerard.”
My heart seemed to both stop and speed up at the same time when those words came out of her mouth.
“You’re sad?” Instantly, I had this primal urge to make it better. To make her happy. “Why are you sad, babe?”
“Ugh.” Groaning in discomfort, she covered her face with her hands and leaned forward. “Forget it.”
“Hey – hey, look at me, Claire.” Crouching down in front of her, I pried her hands away and forced her to look at me. “Talk to me.”
Her brown eyes locked on mine, hazy and focused for a long beat before finding traction in our stare. “Because.”
“Because?” I coaxed, still cupping her face.
“Because you don’t love me the right way,” she whispered, leaning into my touch. “The way I need you to love me.” She reached up and covered my hands with hers. “The way I love you.”
If I thought my heart was breaking earlier, it fucking shattered in my chest when I heard her vulnerability.
“I do,” I replied, roughly clearing my throat. “I love you in so many ways.”
“Then why?” she slurred. “Why won’t you just kiss me?”
Because I’m terrified. “Claire.”
Exhaling a shaky breath, she leaned in close.
“Don’t do it,” I begged when her mouth was a hair’s breadth from mine.
“Don’t do what?”
“You know what,” I strangled out, resting my brow against hers, as my chest heaved, and my body trembled with a mixture of lust and sheer fucking terror. “It’ll change everything.”
“Would that be such a bad thing?”
How could I explain it to her when I couldn’t explain it to myself? The desire to feel affection and the urge to run from it all in one breath. Fuck, maybe Mam was right, and I needed more sessions with Anne because I sure as shit wasn’t winning at life tonight.
“Yes,” I finally admitted, heart bucking wildly in my chest. “For you.”
“I can’t wait forever, Gerard,” she whispered, her tone laced with sadness as she slowly withdrew. “It hurts too much.”
It was everywhere in this moment.
“I know,” I forced myself to say, while my heart screamed at her heart to hold on just a little bit longer.
