M aura didn’t speak to me until long after we’d left the limits of Lumnos City.
At first, I was grateful for the quiet and the opportunity to piece through all the emotions warring inside of me.
Shame. Guilt. Anger. Fear. All cycling on a self-destructive loop.
But the closer we walked toward Mortal City, the more unbearable the silence became. Maura had never been angry with me before. We’d had harmless disagreements, but never anything that had caused a rift between us in any meaningful way.
Now, she couldn’t even look at me.
The forest began to thin, the buildings of Mortal City gradually coming into view, and I knew we didn’t have much time before we were consumed by the chaos of the healers’ center.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. “I know I made a mistake today. A lot of mistakes.”
Maura said nothing at first, only gazing thoughtfully at the road ahead, but she wasn’t the type to give the silent treatment. Inside that earnest mind of hers, I knew she was choosing her words with particular care. What I didn’t know was whether it was to avoid saying something she would regret or to cut me into a million tiny pieces.
“This was my fault,” she said finally. She paused, then nodded her head as if coming to a decision. “I should have trusted your mother. Auralie knew you best, and if she didn’t believe you could handle it, I should have respected that.”
A million tiny pieces it is.
I bristled. “I can handle it. It was a mistake. It won’t happen again.” She choked out a dry, humorless laugh. “No, it certainly won’t.”
I jogged until I stood in front of her, forcing her to stop. “Next time, I promise I’ll obey all the rules.”
“Next time?” She gave me an incredulous look. “There’s not going to be a next time, Diem. Even if by some miracle Prince Luther is willing to let you back into that palace, I most certainly am not.”
“I’ll apologize to the Prince. I’ll show him I can be trusted. I have to keep serving as the palace healer, for Teller—”
“For Teller?” Her coffee-brown eyes squinted as she wagged her finger in my face. “Where was this concern for Teller when you fought back against the guards? Or when you took off running from the King’s chambers, or when you mouthed off to the Prince? That boy could have been kicked out of his school for any one of those things.”
My mouth snapped shut, guilt halting my tongue. She had a point.
“I can guarantee your brother would rather lose his education than see his sister arrested and executed.”
More truths. If Teller knew the risks I was taking to keep our mother’s bargain, he would drop out of that school without a moment’s hesitation.
And if my father knew… I shuddered at the thought. His wrath would put even the Prince’s to shame.
“That agreement was between your mother and the Crown,” Maura said. “I should never have told you about it. It wasn’t your place to get involved.”
“I have no choice but to get involved. You know that.” “If your mother was here—”
“My mother isn’t here.”
“And thank the gods for that. It would break my heart to see how disappointed she would be.”
She might as well have taken my dagger and plunged it straight into my chest.
“You put everything at risk today, Diem. Our work at the center, your brother’s schooling, your entire family’s safety, my safety. Twice now I’ve had a palace guard’s knife pulled on me because of you. And for what? Tell me, what was so important it was worth risking all that?”
I looked away, unable to bear the judgment in her eyes.
“Does this have to do with whatever’s going on between you and that Prince?”
My jaw tightened. “Nothing’s going on between me and that Prince.” “Oh, don’t give me that bollocks. The two of you can’t keep your eyes
off each other. He can’t stop touching you, and you can’t stop provoking him.”
“There’s nothing there,” I snapped, a harsh tone edging my words.
“Fine.” Her hands folded across her chest as her head cocked sideways. “Then is this because you don’t want to be a healer?”
My gaze shot back to hers. “Of course I want to be a healer. Being a healer is… it’s my whole life.”
“Exactly.” Some of the iciness melted from her features. “I know you never had a real choice in the matter. Your mother decided you would be her disciple before you could even walk.”
“I could have picked a different path if I really wanted to,” I argued, though Maura’s flat stare said she wasn’t buying that any more than I was. I blew out a breath. “So that’s it? I make one mistake and now I’m no longer good enough to be a healer?”
“It’s not about being good enough. You’re extremely talented. You’re a quick study, you work hard, you’re great with the patients. Half our clients make me want to take a scalpel to my ears, but you always find a way to be kind to them, even the ones who don’t deserve it.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Your heart isn’t in it. Or it’s in it for all the wrong reasons. When you were a trainee, you always wanted to be out roaming the forests to gather ingredients or chatting up our most unsavory patients to hear about their lives.”
“You could say the same thing about any of the trainees.”
“No, Diem. When I ask the trainees to do those things, they beg me to give them another task.” Her face softened as she took my hand in hers. “You are like family to me. I want you to be happy. I want you to have a life that fulfills you. And if this isn’t it—”
“It is.”
“Diem—”
“It is, Maura. I’m happy. Really. And I’m sorry about today.” I squeezed her hand and gave what I hoped was a convincing smile.
Because I was happy. I had people who loved me, a profession I was good at, and a safe, comfortable future most mortals would kill for.
I was happy. Really. Really…
 |
“I’M HERE for the card game.”
I forced my face into what must have been my twentieth sweet, innocent smile of the day. None of them had worked yet, but my string of failures had to end eventually.
The man on watch—who, just my luck, was the same brawny, obnoxious Guardian I’d tussled with the last time I stood outside this door
—grunted. “No card game tonight.”
I rolled my eyes. “Do we have to do this again? You know I’m a member. You played a crucial role in that, in case you’ve forgotten.”
“Oh, I haven’t forgotten.”
I looked between him and the door, tapping my foot expectantly. “So?”
He glanced around at the empty alley before leaning in closer. “Card games are for meetings. No meeting tonight.”
“Well, I had a mission today and Vanc—” “The Father.”
“Right. The Father asked me to meet him here to discuss how it went.
So… let me in.” I smirked. “Please.”
He lounged back against the wall and gave me a slow, deliberate once- over. Like last time, he wore a wide-brimmed hat slung low to shadow his eyes. A grin I didn’t like the look of grew on his lips.
“Quiet night tonight,” he said.
Shit. I vaguely remembered this from my first night—some kind of coded message Henri had used to prove his membership—but I couldn’t remember the response. Henri and Brecke had been too busy teasing me over Henri’s “blood rite” prank to fill me in.
“I don’t know your cute little secret handshakes yet. I’m sure there’s something about a tree in there, and probably flames, or burning, or something with fire—”
“No code words, no entrance.”
“Oh, come on,” I groaned. “This must be a joke.” “Do I look like a joke?”
“Have you seen the hat you’re wearing?”
His smile hardened into something colder. “You could always take off your shirt and show me your tattoo.”
“I don’t have a tattoo.”
“Maybe I’ll settle for you removing the shirt.” The gleam in his eyes was predatory but not aroused—he was toying with me, riling me up for his own amusement.
My fingers drummed against the hilts of my twin daggers. “Or I could stab you and go in anyway, hat-boy.”
“Threatening a Brother? Odd way to prove your loyalty.” “It worked out well for me last time.”
“Let her in, Brother.”
I whipped around to see Vance standing behind me, looking highly entertained.
Once again, I was struck by the familiarity of Vance’s face. I was sure I’d never properly met him before that first night, but there was something about him that called to an old, buried recollection. I tried to pull on the thread that linked us, but the memory remained snagged on whatever unreachable place it lived in.
The man on guard stood and pulled the door open for us. I caught his wink as I walked past.
Vance ushered me into the large room where the meeting had taken place and gestured for me to take a seat. He dragged a handful of chairs into a makeshift circle as two men emerged from a doorway in the back.
“Sister Diem, you remember Brother Brant and Brother Francis.”
I smiled, receiving a wordless grunt from one and a silent nod from the other. Whatever reason they had for opposing my membership, they hadn’t moved past it.
I realized glumly that what I’d come to tell them wasn’t likely to change that.
“You had a mission at the palace this morning,” Vance said. “How did it go?”
I stared at my hands. “Not exactly to plan.”
“Were you able to get away from the guards and move through the palace unescorted?”
“Yes,” I said slowly. “That’s quite impressive.”
“How?” Brant leaned in closer. “Why would they let you just walk around?”
“They didn’t let me. I ran.”
“You ran?” Vance and Brant asked in unison.
I nodded. “We were there to check on the King. When we arrived at his room, I told them I’d forgotten my bag, and I ran out to get it before they could stop me.”
“And they didn’t come after you?” Brant asked.
“One guard did, but I hid from him.” I left out the strange declarations Luther had made in the hallway. I was still determined to find out what role he’d played in my mother’s disappearance, but I wasn’t ready to get the Guardians and their plans mixed up in that mystery.
Vance sat back in his chair and whistled. “You’ve got gumption girl, I’ll give you that.”
“Or a death wish,” Francis murmured.
“Were you able to make it to the boat?” Vance asked.
I looked down again and scratched absently at a small rip in my breeches. “No. They increased the guards before I could get there. I had to turn back.”
I didn’t have the nerve to look at them, but I felt the wave of disappointment course through the room.
“Did you get anything useful?” Brant asked. “No.”
“She got into the palace and got out alive,” Vance said. “That’s still a success.”
I glanced up at him, and an image flashed through my mind—Vance, standing outside the healers’ center, looking in at me through the window.
A patient—of course. He must have been a patient at the center at some point. Perhaps I didn’t remember because I hadn’t treated him directly.
I tried to shove the question away now that I had a rational answer, but something about it still tugged at my sleeve, demanding my attention.
“So you ran all over the palace, and they just let you go?” Brant asked.
“They threatened my life,” I shot back defensively. “I’m not sure they’re ever going to let me back in.”
“They didn’t search you and find the map?”
“They searched my bag, but I hid the map in my clothing.”
“They didn’t arrest you? They didn’t beat you? They didn’t do anything at all to you? They just let you leave?”
My temper snapped. “I got my throat sliced open and nearly had my arm broken. Is that good enough for you, or shall I go back and ask them to whip me as well?”
“That’s enough,” Vance cut in, raising a hand to Brant. “Let’s be grateful it ended as well as it did. We’re all well aware of the palace’s trusting relationship with the healers, it shouldn’t surprise us they didn’t assume the worst of her.”
My stomach churned a bit.
“Where were you cut?” This time it was Francis who inquired. His voice was gentle, but he was staring at my neck with a frown.
My hand flew to my throat. I’d sanitized the cut and cleaned the dried blood away at the healers’ center, but I’d been in too sullen a mood to allow any of the trainees to bandage the wound. My fingers brushed along my neck in futile search for the scab.
I glanced down at the dark brown bloodstains on the collar of my tunic. Maybe in the struggle to subdue me, the guard had nicked himself. Maybe the blood was his, not mine.
But I remembered it so clearly—the cold bite of the blade as it pierced my skin. I could still feel the phantom pain where he’d cut me, but when I ran my hand across it, there was only a patch of smooth skin. Almost as if it had just…
Long-buried suspicions bubbled to the surface, sending my heartbeat galloping. No, I shouted to myself over the roar of my own thoughts. It was a mistake. A hallucination, maybe. Nothing more. It can’t be more.
“Brothers,” Vance interrupted, “this is not how we treat Guardians who risk their lives for our cause. We are grateful for the risk Sister Bellator took today, are we not?”
He shot a hard look at his two comrades, who nodded despite their frowns.
Vance leaned forward and took my hands, cupping them in his. “You were very brave today, Sister. We’ll need that in the days to come. We need
Guardians who aren’t afraid to do whatever it takes to end the Descended’s rule once and for all.”
I’m not sure what it was that caused the following words to rush out of my mouth—the gentle pity on his face, the unworthiness I felt under his men’s skeptical stares, or simply my own feelings of failure eating me away from the inside out.
“I can try again. I… I know a secret entrance into the palace.” All three men sat straighter.
“What entrance?” Vance asked.
“A hole in the wall of the palace gardens.”
The second I said it, regret sank in my chest like a stone.
There were children in that palace—and based on my first task, I wasn’t confident these men were above hurting children to get their way.
Vance whispered something to Brant, who disappeared from the room for a few seconds before returning with a large map of the royal grounds.
“Can you show us where it is, Sister?” Vance smoothed out the crinkled paper in front of me, his face bright with excitement. Even Brant and Francis were now watching me with blatant interest, their suspicion temporarily appeased.
For a second, I hoped I wouldn’t be able to locate the spot, and I would be forced to tell them I honestly didn’t know. They would still want me to take them there, but at least I could buy some time to decide just how far I was willing to go.
My eyes betrayed me. The moment I looked, I found it in an instant, just north of a bend in the road I couldn’t forget.
This is what you wanted, I reminded myself. You signed up to help the Guardians take down the Crown and everyone who supports it.
I set my finger down. “There,” I murmured, my throat going dry. “The hole is there.”
The paper was yanked out from under my hand, followed by furious scribbling and hushed discussion I made no effort to decipher.
It hit me that Lana, the trainee healer who had accompanied Maura and I that day, had seen the secret entrance, and she was a Guardian, too. If these men didn’t know about it already, she had chosen not to tell them. Whatever other vows she may have broken for them, she’d kept that one.
And I hadn’t.
I honed my thoughts on all the souls destroyed by the Descended’s disregard for mortal lives: Henri’s mother. The boy Henri had seen trampled by the Descended on horseback. The woman and child in the alley. All the children killed by the progeny laws. Countless neighbors and classmates and patients.
My own mother, maybe.
War is death and misery and sacrifice, my father had warned me. War is making choices that will haunt you for the rest of your days.
“I can go back this evening and try again,” I offered. “I can try to slip into the palace at night. If they don’t know I’m there, then maybe…”
My voice trailed off. I didn’t honestly believe I could get in and out of the palace without being caught, but at least if I went, any consequences of using the hidden entrance would be on my shoulders alone.
“You’ve done enough, Sister.” Vance crouched in front of me and gave my shoulder a light pat. “Your information has once again proven to be extremely valuable.”
My heart raced faster.
“No, really—let me try again. I can do it this time. I can—”
“You’re not ready.” Brant leaned back and crossed his arms. He was still frowning at me, but his demeanor had shifted. “You’re brave, I’ll admit, but your strategy today was amateur. Anyone could have told you that plan wouldn’t work.”
“What Brother Brant means to say,” Vance cut in, “is that you have only recently joined us. We have much we can teach you. In time, you could be one of our best, but for now…”
“You’re not ready,” Brant repeated.
Vance smiled tightly, but he nodded in agreement.
I rose from my chair, feeling the burn of embarrassment color my cheeks. The three men stood, as well. Vance’s hand moved to my upper back and nudged me toward the door. Trying to get rid of me.
“You should be proud of yourself,” he said. “At the next meeting, we’ll let the others know what a great risk you took.”
“No,” I blurted, a little too loudly. “Please—don’t say anything.” Vance’s brows rose, so I quickly added, “I’m not interested in credit. I… I just want to make a difference.”
He gave me an approving smile as he pushed me toward the exit to the alley. “Sister Diem, I have a feeling what you’ve done will make even more
of a difference than you realize.”
That was exactly what I was afraid of.
|
HENRI WAS WAITING for me outside the Guardians’ meetinghouse. He evidently noted my gloomy mood, because he didn’t say anything at first. He clasped my hand and walked alongside me on the path toward our respective homes.
“How did it go?” he asked after a few minutes. “The mission or the meeting with them?” “Either one. Both.”
“Badly.” “Which one?”
“Either one. Both.”
He gently nudged me with his arm. “You’re still alive and in one piece, so it couldn’t have been that bad.”
“I failed the mission. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’m still breathing.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “Maura’s furious with me. I might have gotten the healers banned from the palace. I could have cost Teller his place at school. And your Brothers in there think I’m not ready for any more missions. I’m…”
My voice cracked as the weight of all my failures crushed the last bit of composure I had left, and I fell silent.
“Well… I’m still proud of you.”
I looked up at him, and there it was again—that deep admiration in his eyes, the hard-won respect he’d only recently developed for me.
“If they think you’re not ready, they’re wrong. You’re amazing, D. They’ll see that soon enough. And if Maura knew what you were really doing, she’d understand.”
“I don’t think she would. I broke my healer’s vow, Henri. If she knew… if my mother knew…”
“If they knew the full story, they’d support you. The point of that vow is to help people, right? To save lives?”
“Well, yes, but…”
“That’s exactly what we’re doing. We’re not just saving a life here and there. Think about how many mortals the Descended kill every year. We’re trying to stop that. We’re trying to save our entire race. Don’t you think that’s worth a few compromises?”
“But what if…” I couldn’t find the words to explain the conflict brewing inside me—the feeling that I wasn’t just compromising, but losing a part of myself I could never reclaim. I shook my head and sighed. “Yes, you’re right.”
We walked in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the village and the quiet crunch of our footsteps on the pebbled road.
“I have to admit,” he began, “I’m upset with you too.” My heart sank. “You are?”
“You stabbed a Descended. And you didn’t tell me.”
I spun around, ready to defend myself, but his expression stopped me. It wasn’t judgment on his face—it was something else. Lust.
“Spying on the royal family, stealing from an arms dealer, stabbing a Descended…” He gave me a wicked grin and ran a knuckle along the inside of my arm. “I should have told you about the Guardians sooner.”
I frowned. “Why didn’t you? We used to tell each other everything.”
“Your mother.” He tugged on a loose curl of my hair, twirling it in his fingers. “Auralie was the closest thing I had to a mother. She wanted to keep you away from the Descended, and I had to respect her wishes.”
The unspoken words hung in the air: But with her gone…
“And,” he continued, “you seemed happy enough in your own world. You had your bubble in the mortal realm.” He tapped the tip of my nose. “I didn’t want to be the one to burst it.”
I stiffened. “I wasn’t completely sheltered. I know how the world works.”
“I know you do, but you see how it is. Once your eyes are opened to the horrors the Descended cause, it can be overwhelming. It’s hard to focus on anything else but stopping them.”
I had seen it happen to him. Over the past year, I’d watched Henri harden, losing that boyish joy and light-heartedness that had always been a part of him.
I’d thought it was just part of growing up, but looking back, there were signs I’d ignored. The way his expression darkened when the Descended were mentioned. The distance between him and his father—and between him and my father. His sudden willingness to work at the palace or in Lumnos City, something he’d avoided when we were younger.
He pulled my hips against his, his hands moving to cup my face. “None of that matters now. We’re in this together from now on.” He laughed softly, his breath warm against my skin. “My pretty little spy.”
As his lips met mine, I felt his adoration, the praise in every touch of his tongue. After such a miserable day, it felt good to be seen as someone valuable again, someone worthy.
He pulled me closer, and I melted into his arms with a heavy sigh.
“Marry me, Diem Bellator.” My heart stopped.
“Be my wife. Let’s fight this war side by side.”
My muscles tensed. The small shred of self-worth I’d felt from his compliments vanished, replaced by a cold sense of dread. “Henri… we just started sleeping together again. We’re not even courting. We barely… this is still so new, and—”
“New?” He laughed and shook his head. “Diem, I shouldn’t have to court you for you to know how I feel. We’ve been together for nearly two decades.”
“As friends—”
“And what we have now could be so much more than friendship. Something better—don’t you think?”
I couldn’t stop blinking, couldn’t stop stammering. Henri’s thumb traced a path beneath my ear, over and over. My mind fixated on that movement, imagining my skin eroding until it was bleeding and raw.
To be a wife—to be tied to a man’s side instead of standing on my own, to give up my own goals in service of a husband’s authority and a wife’s duty. It was the life expected of most women in Mortal City.
Silence. Obedience. Sacrifice.
The thought pressed in on me like a clenching fist. Surely Henri didn’t want that kind of marriage. Surely he wouldn’t expect that from me—would he?
“You know me better than anyone,” he said, “and I know you. Yes, the last year has been a little rocky, but you and I—we’re meant to be. The Old Gods brought us together for a reason.”
I looked away, unable to bear the tender optimism in his bright eyes.
“Henri,” I whispered, swallowing hard. “This is a really big step.”
“But it’s a good step. You could move in with me and my father. And after the Guardians win the war, you could stop working and stay home so we could start a family. You would be an incredible mother.”
It was the wrong thing to say.
I recoiled sharply. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, but this… I wasn’t ready for this. And if this was the life he wanted—I might never be.
Fight.
That flaming voice. Now it decided to rear its ugly head?
“Let me think about it,” I managed to say. I forced a tight, placating smile. “It’s an important decision. Can you give me some time?”
He nodded eagerly. “Take all the time you need. I want you to feel as good about this as I do.” He kissed me, quick and firm, and for the first time, his lips felt wrong against mine. “This is our destiny, Diem. This is where we’re meant to be. I just know it.”
Henri walked me home, beaming like I’d given him the yes he wanted. I buried the growing unease in my soul as deep as I could.
Maybe I could do this.
Maybe I just needed time.
Maybe.
