It has always been fashionable among the ton to complain of ennui, but surely this year’s crop of partygoers has raised boredom to an art form. One cannot take two steps at a society function these days without hearing the phrase “dreadfully dull,” or “hopelessly banal.” Indeed, This Author has even been informed that Cressida Twombley recently remarked that she was convinced that she might perish of eternal boredom if forced to attend one more off-key musicale.
(This Author must concur with Lady Twombley on that note;
while this year’s selection of debutantes are an amiable bunch, there is not a decent musician among them.)
If there is to be an antidote for the disease of tedium, surely it will be Sunday’s fête at Bridgerton House. The entire family will gather, along with a hundred or so of their closest friends, to
celebrate the dowager viscountess’s birthday.
It is considered crass to mention a lady’s age, and so This Author will not reveal which birthday Lady Bridgerton is celebrating.
But have no fear! This Author knows!
LADY WHISTLEDOWN’S SOCIETY PAPERS, 9 APRIL 1824
Spinsterhood was a word that tended to invoke either panic or pity, but Penelope was coming to realize that there were decided advantages to the unmarried state.
First of all, no one really expected the spinsters to dance at balls, which meant that Penelope was no longer forced to hover at the edge of the dance floor, looking this way and that, pretending that she didn’t really want to dance. Now she could sit off to the side with the other spinsters and chaperones. She still wanted to dance, of course—she rather liked dancing, and she was actually quite good at it, not that anyone ever noticed—but it was much easier to feign disinterest the farther one got from the waltzing couples.
Second, the number of hours spent in dull conversation had been drastically reduced. Mrs. Featherington had officially given up hope that Penelope might ever snag a husband, and so she’d stopped thrusting her in
the path of every third-tier eligible bachelor. Portia had never really thought Penelope had a prayer of attracting the attention of a first-or second-tier bachelor, which was probably true, but most of the third-tier bachelors were classified as such for a reason, and sadly, that reason was often personality, or lack thereof. Which, when combined with Penelope’s shyness with strangers, didn’t tend to promote sparkling conversation.
And finally, she could eat again. It was maddening, considering the amount of food generally on display at ton parties, but women on the hunt for husbands weren’t supposed to exhibit anything more robust than a bird’s appetite. This, Penelope thought gleefully (as she bit into what had to be the most heavenly éclair outside of France), had to be the best spinster perk of all.
“Good heavens,” she moaned. If sin could take a solid form, surely it would be a pastry. Preferably one with chocolate.
“That good, eh?”
Penelope choked on the éclair, then coughed, sending a fine spray of pastry cream through the air. “Colin,” she gasped, fervently praying the
largest of the globs had missed his ear.
“Penelope.” He smiled warmly. “It’s good to see you.” “And you.”
He rocked on his heels—once, twice, thrice—then said, “You look well.”
“And you,” she said, too preoccupied with trying to figure out where to set down her éclair to offer much variety to her conversation.
“That’s a nice dress,” he said, motioning to her green silk gown. She smiled ruefully, explaining, “It’s not yellow.”
“So it’s not.” He grinned, and the ice was broken. It was strange,
because one would think her tongue would be tied the tightest around the man she loved, but there was something about Colin that set everyone at ease.
Maybe, Penelope had thought on more than one occasion, part of the reason she loved him was that he made her feel comfortable with herself.
“Eloise tells me you had a splendid time in Cyprus,” she said.
He grinned. “Couldn’t resist the birthplace of Aphrodite, after all.”
Penelope found herself smiling as well. His good humor was infectious, even if the last thing she wanted to do was take part in a discussion of the
goddess of love. “Was it as sunny as everyone says?” she asked. “No, forget I asked. I can see from your face that it was.”
“I did acquire a bit of a tan,” he said with a nod. “My mother nearly fainted when she saw me.”
“From delight, I’m sure,” Penelope said emphatically. “She misses you terribly when you’re gone.”
He leaned in. “Come, now, Penelope, surely you’re not going to start in on me? Between my mother, Anthony, Eloise, and Daphne, I’m liable to perish of guilt.”
“Not Benedict?” she couldn’t help quipping.
He shot her a slightly smirky look. “He’s out of town.” “Ah, well, that explains his silence.”
His narrowed eyes matched his crossed arms to perfection. “You’ve always been cheeky, did you know that?”
“I hide it well,” she said modestly.
“It’s easy to see,” he said in a dry voice, “why you are such good friends with my sister.”
“I’m assuming you intended that as a compliment?”
“I’m fairly certain I’d be endangering my health if I’d intended it any other way.”
Penelope was standing there hoping she’d think of a witty rejoinder when she heard a strange, wet, splattish sound. She looked down to discover that a large yellowish blob of pastry cream had slid from her half- eaten éclair and landed on the pristine wooden floor. She looked back up to find Colin’s oh-so-green eyes dancing with laughter, even as his mouth fought for a serious expression.
“Well, now, that’s embarrassing,” Penelope said, deciding that the only way to avoid dying of mortification was to state the painfully obvious.
“I suggest,” Colin said, raising one brow into a perfectly debonair arch, “that we flee the scene.”
Penelope looked down at the empty carcass of the éclair still in her hand. Colin answered her with a nod toward a nearby potted plant.
“No!” she said, her eyes growing wide. He leaned in closer. “I dare you.”
Her eyes darted from the éclair to the plant and back to Colin’s face. “I couldn’t,” she said.
“As far as naughty things go, this one is fairly mild,” he pointed out.
It was a dare, and Penelope was usually immune to such childish ploys, but Colin’s half-smile was difficult to resist. “Very well,” she said, squaring her shoulders and dropping the pastry onto the soil. She took a step back, examined her handiwork, looked around to see if anyone besides Colin was watching her, then leaned down and rotated the pot so that a leafy branch covered the evidence.
“I didn’t think you’d do it,” Colin said. “As you said, it’s not terribly naughty.”
“No, but it is my mother’s favorite potted palm.”
“Colin!” Penelope whirled around, fully intending to sink her hand right back into the plant to retrieve the éclair. “How could you let me—Wait a
second.” She straightened, her eyes narrowed. “This isn’t a palm.” He was all innocence. “It’s not?”
“It’s a miniature orange tree.” He blinked. “Is it, now?”
She scowled at him. Or at least she hoped it was a scowl. It was difficult to scowl at Colin Bridgerton. Even his mother had once remarked that it
was nearly impossible to reprimand him.
He would just smile and look contrite and say something funny, and you just couldn’t stay angry with him. You simply couldn’t do it.
“You were trying to make me feel guilty,” Penelope said. “Anyone could confuse a palm with an orange tree.”
She fought the urge to roll her eyes. “Except for the oranges.”
He chewed on his lower lip, his eyes thoughtful. “Yes, hmmm, one would think they’d be a bit of a giveaway.”
“You’re a terrible liar, did you know that?”
He straightened, tugging slightly at his waistcoat as he lifted his chin. “Actually, I’m an excellent liar. But what I’m really good at is appearing appropriately sheepish and adorable after I’m caught.”
What, Penelope wondered, was she meant to say to that? Because surely there was no one more adorably sheepish (sheepishly adorable?) than Colin Bridgerton with his hands clasped behind his back, his eyes flitting along the ceiling, and his lips puckered into an innocent whistle.
“When you were a child,” Penelope asked, abruptly changing the subject, “were you ever punished?”
Colin immediately straightened to attention. “I beg your pardon?” “Were you ever punished as a child?” she repeated. “Are you ever
punished now?”
Colin just stared at her, wondering if she had any idea what she was asking. Probably not. “Errr…” he said, mostly because he hadn’t anything else to say.
She let out a vaguely patronizing sigh. “I thought not.”
If he were a less indulgent man, and if this were anyone but Penelope Featherington, whom he knew did not possess a malicious bone in her body, he might take offense. But he was an uncommonly easygoing fellow, and
this was Penelope Featherington, who had been a faithful friend to his sister for God knows how many years, so instead of adopting a hard, cynical stare
(which, admittedly, was an expression at which he’d never excelled), he merely smiled and murmured, “Your point being?”
“Do not think I mean to criticize your parents,” she said with an expression that was innocent and sly at the same time. “I would never dream of implying that you were spoiled in any way.”
He nodded graciously.
“It’s just that”—she leaned in, as if imparting a grave secret—“I rather think you could get away with murder if you so chose.”
He coughed—not to clear his throat and not because he wasn’t feeling well, but rather because he was so damned startled. Penelope was such a funny character. No, that wasn’t quite right. She was…surprising. Yes, that seemed to sum her up. Very few people really knew her; she had certainly never developed a reputation as a sterling conversationalist. He was fairly certain she’d made it through three-hour parties without ever venturing beyond words of a single syllable.
But when Penelope was in the company of someone with whom she felt comfortable—and Colin realized that he was probably privileged to count himself among that number—she had a dry wit, a sly smile, and evidence of a very intelligent mind, indeed.
He wasn’t surprised that she’d never attracted any serious suitors for her hand; she wasn’t a beauty by any stretch, although upon close examination she was more attractive than he’d remembered her to be. Her brown hair had a touch of red to it, highlighted nicely by the flickering candles. And her skin was quite lovely—that perfect peaches-and-cream complexion that ladies were always slathering their faces with arsenic to achieve.
But Penelope’s attractiveness wasn’t the sort that men usually noticed.
And her normally shy and occasionally even stuttering demeanor didn’t exactly showcase her personality.
Still, it was too bad about her lack of popularity. She would have made someone a perfectly good wife.
“So you’re saying,” he mused, steering his mind back to the matter at hand, “that I should consider a life of crime?”
“Nothing of the sort,” she replied, a demure smile on her face. “Just that I rather suspect you could talk your way out of anything.” And then, unexpectedly, her mien grew serious, and she quietly said, “I envy that.”
Colin surprised himself by holding out his hand and saying, “Penelope Featherington, I think you should dance with me.”
And then Penelope surprised him by laughing and saying, “That’s very sweet of you to ask, but you don’t have to dance with me any longer.”
His pride felt oddly pricked. “What the devil do you mean by that?”
She shrugged. “It’s official now. I’m a spinster. There’s no longer a reason to dance with me just so that I don’t feel left out.”
“That’s not why I danced with you,” he protested, but he knew that it was exactly the reason. And half the time he’d only remembered to ask
because his mother had poked him—hard—in the back and reminded him.
She gave him a faintly pitying look, which galled him, because he’d never thought to be pitied by Penelope Featherington.
“If you think,” he said, feeling his spine grow stiff, “that I’m going to allow you to wiggle out of a dance with me now, you’re quite delusional.”
“You don’t have to dance with me just to prove you don’t mind doing it,” she said.
“I want to dance with you,” he fairly growled.
“Very well,” she said, after what seemed to be a ridiculously long pause. “It would surely be churlish for me to refuse.”
“It was probably churlish of you to doubt my intentions,” he said as he took her arm, “but I’m willing to forgive you if you can forgive yourself.”
She stumbled, which made him smile.
“I do believe I’ll manage,” she choked out.
“Excellent.” He offered her a bland smile. “I’d hate to think of you living with the guilt.”
The music was just beginning, so Penelope took his hand and curtsied as they began the minuet. It was difficult to talk during the dance, which
gave Penelope a few moments to catch her breath and gather her thoughts.
Perhaps she’d been a bit too harsh with Colin. She shouldn’t have scolded him for asking her to dance, when the truth was, those dances were among her most cherished memories. Did it really matter if he’d only done it out of pity? It would have been worse if he’d never asked her at all.
She grimaced. Worse still, did this mean she had to apologize?
“Was something wrong with that éclair?” Colin inquired the next time they stepped toward each other.
A full ten seconds passed before they were close enough again for her to say, “I beg your pardon?”
“You look as if you’ve swallowed something vile,” he said, loudly this time, for he’d clearly lost patience with waiting for the dance to allow them to speak.
Several people looked over, then stepped discreetly away, as if Penelope might actually be sick right there on the ballroom floor.
“Do you need to shout it to the entire world?” Penelope hissed.
“You know,” he said thoughtfully, bending into an elegant bow as the music drew to a close, “that was the loudest whisper I’ve ever heard.”
He was insufferable, but Penelope wasn’t going to say so, because it would only make her sound like a character in a very bad romantic novel.
She’d read one just the other day in which the heroine used the word (or one of its synonyms) on every other page.
“Thank you for the dance,” she said, once they’d reached the perimeter of the room. She almost added, You can now tell your mother that you’ve fulfilled your obligations, but immediately regretted her impulse. Colin hadn’t done anything to deserve such sarcasm. It wasn’t his fault that men only danced with her when forced to by their mothers. He’d always at least smiled and laughed while doing his duty, which was more than she could say for the rest of the male population.
He nodded politely and murmured his own thanks. They were just about to part ways when they heard a loud female voice bark out, “Mr.
Bridgerton!”
They both froze. It was a voice they both knew. It was a voice everyone knew.
“Save me,” Colin groaned.
Penelope looked over her shoulder to see the infamous Lady Danbury pushing her way through the crowd, wincing when her ever-present cane landed on the foot of some hapless young lady. “Maybe she means a different Mr. Bridgerton?” Penelope suggested. “There are quite a few of you, after all, and it’s possible—”
“I’ll give you ten pounds if you don’t leave my side,” Colin blurted out. Penelope choked on air. “Don’t be silly, I—”
“Twenty.”
“Done!” she said with a smile, not because she particularly needed the money but rather because it was strangely enjoyable to be extorting it from Colin. “Lady Danbury!” she called out, hurrying to the elderly lady’s side. “How nice to see you.”
“Nobody ever thinks it’s nice to see me,” Lady Danbury said sharply, “except maybe my nephew, and half the time I’m not even sure about him. But I thank you for lying all the same.”
Colin said nothing, but she still turned in his direction and swatted his leg with her cane. “Good choice dancing with this one,” she said. “I’ve
always liked her. More brains than the rest of her family put together.”
Penelope opened her mouth to defend at least her younger sister, when Lady Danbury barked out, “Ha!” after barely a second’s pause, adding, “I noticed neither of you contradicted me.”
“It is always a delight to see you, Lady Danbury,” Colin said, giving her just the sort of smile he might have directed at an opera singer.
“Glib, this one is,” Lady Danbury said to Penelope. “You’ll have to watch out for him.”
“It is rarely necessary that I do so,” Penelope said, “as he is most often out of the country.”
“See!” Lady Danbury crowed again. “I told you she was bright.”
“You’ll notice,” Colin said smoothly, “that I did not contradict you.”
The old lady smiled approvingly. “So you didn’t. You’re getting smart in your old age, Mr. Bridgerton.”
“It has occasionally been remarked that I possessed a small modicum of intelligence in my youth, as well.”
“Hmmph. The important word in that sentence being small, of course.”
Colin looked at Penelope through narrowed eyes. She appeared to be choking on laughter.
“We women must look out for one another,” Lady Danbury said to no one in particular, “since it is clear that no one else will do so.”
Colin decided it was definitely time to go. “I think I see my mother.”
“Escape is impossible,” Lady Danbury crowed. “Don’t bother to attempt it, and besides, I know for a fact you don’t see your mother. She’s attending to some brainless twit who tore the hem off her dress.” She turned to Penelope, who was now exerting such effort to control her laughter that her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “How much did he pay you not to leave him alone with me?”
Penelope quite simply exploded. “I beg your pardon,” she gasped, clasping a hand over her horrified mouth.
“Oh, no, go right ahead,” Colin said expansively. “You’ve been such a help already.”
“You don’t have to give me the twenty pounds,” she said. “I wasn’t planning to.”
“Only twenty pounds?” Lady Danbury asked. “Hmmph. I would have thought I’d be worth at least twenty-five.”
Colin shrugged. “I’m a third son. Perpetually short of funds, I’m afraid.”
“Ha! You’re as plump in the pocket as at least three earls,” Lady Danbury said. “Well, maybe not earls,” she added, after a bit of thought. “But a few viscounts, and most barons, to be sure.”
Colin smiled blandly. “Isn’t it considered impolite to talk about money in mixed company?”
Lady Danbury let out a noise that was either a wheeze or a giggle— Colin wasn’t sure which—then said, “It’s always impolite to talk about money, mixed company or no, but when one is my age, one can do almost anything one pleases.”
“I do wonder,” Penelope mused, “what one can’t do at your age.”
Lady Danbury turned to her. “I beg your pardon?”
“You said that one could do almost anything one pleases.”
Lady Danbury stared at her in disbelief, then cracked a smile. Colin realized he was smiling as well.
“I like her,” Lady D said to him, pointing at Penelope as if she were some sort of statue for sale. “Did I tell you I like her?”
“I believe you did,” he murmured.
Lady Danbury turned to Penelope and said, her face a mask of utter seriousness, “I do believe I couldn’t get away with murder, but that might be all.”
All at once, both Penelope and Colin burst out laughing. “Eh?” Lady Danbury said. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” Penelope gasped. As for Colin, he couldn’t even manage that much.
“It’s not nothing,” Lady D persisted. “And I shall remain here and pester you all night until you tell me what it is. Trust me when I tell you that that is not your desired course of action.”
Penelope wiped a tear from her eye. “I just got through telling him,” she said, motioning with her head toward Colin, “that he probably could get away with murder.”
“Did you, now?” Lady Danbury mused, tapping her cane lightly against the floor the way someone else might scratch her chin while pondering a deep question. “Do you know, but I think you might be right. A more charming man I don’t think London has ever seen.”
Colin raised a brow. “Now, why don’t I think you meant that as a compliment, Lady Danbury?”
“Of course it’s a compliment, you dunderhead.”
Colin turned to Penelope. “As opposed to that, which was clearly a compliment.”
Lady Danbury beamed. “I declare,” she said (or in all truth, declared), “this is the most fun I’ve had all season.”
“Happy to oblige,” Colin said with an easy smile.
“It’s been an especially dull year, don’t you think?” Lady Danbury asked Penelope.
Penelope nodded. “Last year was a bit tedious as well.” “But not as bad as this year,” Lady D persisted.
“Don’t ask me,” Colin said affably. “I’ve been out of the country.”
“Hmmph. I suppose you’re going to say that your absence is the reason we’ve all been so bored.”
“I would never dream of it,” Colin said with a disarming smile. “But clearly, if the thought has crossed your mind, it must have some merit.”
“Hmmph. Whatever the case, I’m bored.”
Colin looked over at Penelope, who appeared to be holding herself very, very still—presumably to stave off laughter.
“Haywood!” Lady Danbury suddenly called out, waving over a middle- aged gentleman. “Wouldn’t you agree with me?”
A vaguely panicked expression drifted across Lord Haywood’s face, and then, when it became clear that he could not escape, he said, “I try to make a policy of always agreeing with you.”
Lady Danbury turned to Penelope and said, “Is it my imagination, or are men getting more sensible?”
Penelope’s only answer was a noncommittal shrug. Colin decided she was a wise girl, indeed.
Haywood cleared his throat, his blue eyes blinking fast and furious in his rather fleshy face. “Er, what, precisely, am I agreeing to?”
“That the season is boring,” Penelope supplied helpfully.
“Ah, Miss Featherington,” Haywood said in a blustery sort of voice. “Didn’t see you there.”
Colin stole just enough of a glance at Penelope to see her lips straighten into a small, frustrated smile. “Right here next to you,” she muttered.
“So you are,” Haywood said jovially, “and yes, the season is dreadfully boring.”
“Did someone say the season is dull?”
Colin glanced to his right. Another man and two ladies had just joined the group and were avidly expressing their agreement.
“Tedious,” one of them murmured. “Appallingly tedious.”
“I have never attended a more banal round of parties,” one of the ladies announced with an affected sigh.
“I shall have to inform my mother,” Colin said tightly. He was among
the most easygoing of men, but really, there were some insults he could not let pass.
“Oh, not this gathering,” the woman hastened to add. “This ball is truly the only shining light in an otherwise dark and dismal string of gatherings. Why, I was just saying to—”
“Stop now,” Lady Danbury ordered, “before you choke on your foot.” The lady quickly silenced herself.
“It’s odd,” Penelope murmured.
“Oh, Miss Featherington,” said the lady who’d previously been going on about dark and dismal gatherings. “Didn’t see you there.”
“What’s odd?” Colin asked, before anyone else could tell Penelope how unremarkable they found her.
She gave him a small, grateful smile before explaining herself. “It’s odd how the ton seems to entertain themselves by pointing out how unentertained they are.”
“I beg your pardon?” Haywood said, looking confused.
Penelope shrugged. “I think the lot of you are having a jolly good time talking about how bored you are, that’s all.”
Her comment was met with silence. Lord Haywood continued to look confused, and one of the two ladies must have had a speck of dust in her eye, because she couldn’t seem to do anything but blink.
Colin couldn’t help but smile. He hadn’t thought Penelope’s statement was such a terribly complicated concept.
“The only interesting thing to do is read Whistledown,” said the nonblinking lady, as if Penelope had never even spoken.
The gentleman next to her murmured his assent. And then Lady Danbury began to smile.
Colin grew alarmed. The old lady had a look in her eye. A frightening look.
“I have an idea,” she said.
Someone gasped. Someone else groaned. “A brilliant idea.”
“Not that any of your ideas are anything but,” Colin murmured in his most affable voice.
Lady Danbury shushed him with a wave of her hand. “How many great mysteries are there in life, really?”
No one answered, so Colin guessed, “Forty-two?”
She didn’t even bother to scowl at him. “I am telling you all here and now….”
Everyone leaned in. Even Colin. It was impossible not to indulge the drama of the moment.
“You are all my witnesses….”
Colin thought he heard Penelope mutter, “Get on with it.” “One thousand pounds,” Lady Danbury said.
The crowd surrounding her grew.
“One thousand pounds,” she repeated, her voice growing in volume.
Really, she would have been a natural on the stage. “One thousand pounds…”
It seemed the entire ballroom had hushed into reverent silence. “…to the person who unmasks Lady Whistledown!”
