Part 4 – Crushing Realizations
AUGUST 31, 1996
“HEY, HUGH,” I ASKED ON THE LAST DAY OF OUR SUMMER BREAK, SHATTERING THE long-stretched silence we’d been basking in. Sprawled out on the flat of my back in the treehouse, with my legs resting on Hugh, who was lounging in a beanbag, I tilted my head to one side to look at him. “Have you changed your mind?”
“About what?” he replied, attention riveted to the book he was reading.
“About being a doctor when you grow up?” I filled in, setting down my copy of Five on a Treasure Island.
“Nope,” he replied, turning over a page. “It’s still the plan.”
“And you want to fix hearts, right?”
“I want to be a cardiologist.”
“And that’s a heart surgeon, right?”
“Yep.”
I pulled up on my elbows to get a better look at him. “Why?”
“Because there’s too many broken hearts around here.”
My eyes widened. “In Ballylaggin?”
He peered over his book at me and smirked. “In the world, Liz.”
“Oh.” I nodded in understanding. “What about my heart?”
He laughed softly. “Your heart works just fine.”
“But what if it breaks?”
“That won’t happen.”
“How come?”
He turned another page before saying, “Because I won’t break it.”
“But what if someone else breaks it?”
“Not going to happen.”
“How come?”
“Because I’ve got it locked away safe and sound.”
“Oh.” I snickered then, feeling mischievous. “What about your heart?”
“What about it?”
“What if it gets broken?” I teased. “You can’t fix your own heart, silly.”
“Then you better keep it safe.”
“I will,” I vowed, holding out my pinky finger. “No matter what.”
Sighing heavily, he closed his book and leaned forward to hook his pinky around mine. “You’re a little menace, you know that?”
“How come?”
“Because you’re always distracting me.”
“Hey, you called me to come over to play, mister.” Feeling playful, I pounced on his lap and wrestled him onto the floor before attacking him with the tickles. “Besides, it’s bad manners to call your best friend a menace.”
“Ah, mercy, mercy!” he roared through fits of laughter when I got him right under his arms. I knew his weak spot. Ha. “You win, you win, Liz!”
“You scream like a girl,” I snickered, pinning his hands above his head.
“And you wrestle like a boy,” he mused, still chuckling. “So I guess we even each other out, huh?”
Straddling his lap, I kept him pinned beneath me and smiled. “You make me feel good in my belly.”
“That’s the flutter-cups,” he replied with a grin.
It wasn’t the flutter-cups.
It was something else.
It was the other feeling.
The one he put in me.
“Do you want to know a secret?”
Hugh nodded.
“I know someone with superpowers.”
“What kind of superpowers?” he replied, still smiling up at me.
I wanted to tell him, but I was scared of what would happen if I did. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want him to hurt me. He said he would if I told anyone about the special powers.
“I’m not allowed to say.” I sighed sadly. “It’s a secret.”
“You can tell me,” Hugh replied, brown eyes locked on mine. “I’ll keep your secret, Liz.”
“But it’s not my secret,” I mumbled, feeling confused. “And I might get in trouble.”
“Why would you get in trouble?”
“Doesn’t matter.” Shaking off the sad feeling, I focused my attention on Hugh. My happy thought. My happy feeling. “You make a comfortable throne, brave knight.”
He winked. “Anything for you, milady.”
Feeling happy again, I let go of his hands and moved to climb off his lap, only to freeze when Hugh yelped out in pain. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, nothing, I’m fine,” he groaned, squirming around on the treehouse floor with his hands pressed to his crotch. “You just kneed me right in the nuts.”
“What’s the nuts?”
“The testicles,” he clarified through clenched teeth, as his face turned a deep shade of red. “Fuck, that hurt so bad.”
“It hurts?”
He nodded stiffly, still squirming. “It’ll pass in a bit.”
“Don’t worry. I know how to fix that thing.” I reached for the waistband of his shorts and tried to pull them down. “I’m good at it.”
“What? Wait! Liz, no!” Jerking away from me, Hugh bolted to the opposite side of the treehouse. “What are you doing?”
“I know how to fix it,” I explained, crawling back over to him. “I can make you feel better.”
“No, Liz!” He held out his hand to stop me. “You can’t.”
“I can’t?”
“No,” he repeated, shaking his head. “You can’t.”
“Oh.” Kneeling with my hands at my sides, I looked up at him, feeling like my whole world was about to crumble. I didn’t know what I’d done to make him so upset with me, and that devastated me. Tears prickled my eyeballs. I was so bad. “I’m sorry, Hugh.”
He eyed me warily. “Why did you do that?”
I shrugged, unsure of how to answer. “Don’t know.”
“You can’t do that, Liz.”
I couldn’t?
“You are not allowed to do that,” he repeated in a stern voice. “You are never allowed to touch someone like that.”
I felt my face grow hot.
“And no one is allowed to touch you like that,” he added. “Especially not under your clothes. Only grown-ups are allowed to touch other grown-ups like that.”
I stared at him in confusion.
I didn’t understand.
Was I bad?
Did he hate me?
What was he saying?
“That’s a bad touch,” Hugh continued to explain. “And nobody is allowed to do that to a kid.”
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, tears trickling down my cheeks. “I didn’t mean to give you the bad touch.”
“It’s okay,” he replied with a sigh. “And technically, you didn’t.”
But I tried to.
And it was bad.
Hugh said so.
And Hugh would never lie to me.
I trusted him most in the world.
He was my best friend.
“How do you know?” I asked then. “About the bad touch?”
“My mam told me all about it,” he explained. “Why? Didn’t your mam tell you?”
I shook my head.
He frowned. “Really?”
I shook my head, feeling clueless. It felt like I was sitting in class and everyone else knew the answer except me. I felt stupid. It was a bad feeling. It made my skin grow hot.
“Okay, well, there are parts of your body that are just for you,” Hugh started to explain. “For boys, their private part is their penis. For girls, their private part is their vagina. And nobody is allowed to touch your vagina. Not your friends. Or your family members. And especially not grown-ups.”
“What if you’re sick?” I asked, feeling like my world was crashing down around me.
Hugh frowned. “Sick?”
“What if you’re sick and need the medicine to get better?” I pushed, digging my nails into my hands. “What if you’re bad and need to be fixed?”
“Liz, if you get sick, then you go to the doctor, and they can give you medicine for that,” Hugh explained with a frown. “Do you understand?”
No. “Yes.”
He eyed me warily. “Are you sure?”
No. “Yes.”
“Okay.” Hugh looked at me for a long moment before blowing out what sounded like a relieved breath. “Good, because there are monsters out there that like to do bad things to kids.”
“Monsters?”
“Yeah.” Hugh nodded. “Anyone who hurts children is a monster in disguise.”
My eyes widened in terror.
“You don’t need to be scared or anything,” he was quick to assure me. “You just need to know about this stuff, so you know when to tell a grown-up.” He smiled. “Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded my head before bursting into tears. I wanted to throw myself out of the treehouse and hit my head fifty times on the way down because I would rather be dead than do something bad to Hugh.
I couldn’t explain the devastation that washed over me in this moment.
“It’s okay, Liz, it’s okay.” He hurried to soothe me, wrapping his arms around me. “You’re only a kid. You didn’t know.”
“I just wanted to f-fix you. M-make you f-feel better,” I cried into my hands. “I d-didn’t know it was b-bad, Hugh. I’m so s-sorry.”
“I know, and it’s okay,” he coaxed, wrapping me up in his arms. “I’m not mad at you.”
“I sh-should g-go h-home.”
“No, you shouldn’t,” he said, tightening his hold on me. “You should stay right here with me because I’m your best friend and I love you and there’s nobody else I want to play with.”
That made me cry harder.
Because I didn’t want to be here anymore.
Because I did a bad thing to Hugh.
I couldn’t explain the horror I felt.
I was bad.
Bad.
Bad.
Bad.
“Why are you crying?” Caoimhe asked when she walked into my bedroom that evening. “Liz?”
“Go away,” I hissed in between sobs, while I buried my face in my pillow and tried to stop the world from spinning. Because it hurt. Everything was hurting me, and I needed it to stop.
“What’s wrong?” she demanded, not listening.
Why didn’t she listen?
Why didn’t anyone listen to me?
“I said go away, Caoimhe,” I choked out, louder now, as the anger growing inside me threatened to take over. “Leave me alone!”
“No.” She still didn’t listen. “Not until you tell me why you’re wailing like a banshee.”
“Because I didn’t know, Caoimhe!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, losing all control of my feelings. Springing up on my bed, I grabbed my pillow and flung it at her. “I didn’t fucking know!”
“What?” my sister demanded, looking alarmed. “What didn’t you know?”
“Get out of my room, you fucking bitch!” I screamed—louder than I ever had in my life. “I’m warning you!”
“Whoa, fuck you right back,” she spat. “Sorry for caring. More fool me for caring enough to come check on you, you crazy, little bitch.”
“Nobody told me!” I screamed, pulling on my hair so hard a clump of it came away in my hand. So I threw that at her, too. “And it hurts, and it’s not making me better, and it’s all your fault!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” my sister demanded, looking at me with a horrified expression. “Lizzie Young, you better cop yourself on right this instant and stop pulling your hair!”
She reached out a hand to grab my hand, and that’s when I lost it. “I fucking hate you!” Launching myself at my big sister, I grabbed her by the hair and dragged her onto my bed. “This is all your fault!” Using all my strength, I scratched and tore at her face with my nails. “You did this to me! It was you!”
“Dad!” Caoimhe started to scream as she tried to fight me off her. “Dad, help me! Dad, quick! The demented freak is attacking me!”
“Fuck you!” Tightening my grip on her hair so she couldn’t run away, I straddled her chest and kept tearing at her face. “You let the monster in!” I scratched her again, deep enough to make blood come out. “You let the monster play tricks on me!”
“Lizzie!” I heard my father roar, and then he was dragging me off my sister. “What in the name of Jesus is wrong with you?” he demanded, holding me so tight to his chest that I couldn’t break free. “Stop it, will ya?”
“She just attacked me, Dad.” Scrambling to her feet, Caoimhe held her face in her hands and burst into tears. “She’s fucking insane.”
“It’s her fault, Daddy,” I tried to protest through my screams as I pointed to my sister, while he held me off the ground in a ferocious bear hug. “She let the monster get me!”
“What’s happening?” Mam demanded, coming into my room. “What’s going on, girls?”
“What’s happening is this girl needs a tranquilizer,” Dad snapped, wrestling to keep ahold of me. “I’m having her committed, Catherine.”
“Michael, just calm down.” Mam tried to plead, coming to stand between all of us. “Let’s just sit down and talk about this as a family.”
“What’s to talk about?” Caoimhe wailed, pointing to the blood dripping down her cheeks. “She’s feral, Mam, and needs locking up.”
“It’s her fault, Mammy! Caoimhe let the monster in,” I started to plead, but my father cut me off when he roared at the top of his lungs.
“Enough!” Setting me back down, he grabbed my shoulders and shook me so hard that my teeth chattered. “There is not a monster, and your sister never hurt you!” He shook me again. “There is no scary lady and the voices in your head aren’t real!” My head snapped back and forth as he roared into my face. “You have a sickness of the mind; do ya hear me? All this madness is inside of you, Elizabeth!”
“Michael, stop shaking her like that!”
“You are going to a specialist, and you are going to do and take whatever they give ya to keep that madness at bay,” he continued, ignoring my mother who was trying to pull his hands away. “Or so help me God, I will put you on a boat and send you—”
“Michael!” Mam screamed—louder than I’d ever heard. “Don’t you dare!”
“It’s happening, Catherine,” he warned, giving me a look of revulsion. Releasing my shoulders, he moved straight for Caoimhe. “From this day forward, we’re going to do things my way.”
