OCTOBER 31, 1994
I WAS SO HAPPY THAT I THOUGHT I MIGHT EXPLODE INTO A HUNDRED MILLION pieces. I had been waiting for Halloween to arrive ever since Friday, and it was finally here. Excitement bubbled inside of my belly, making it difficult to sit still for my sister.
“You’re like my own personal doll,” Caoimhe said from her perch behind me, where she was fixing my hair for the party.
“My hair is getting long,” I noted, looking at our reflections in her vanity mirror.
“Mm-hmm,” she agreed, flicking her waist-long, blond braid over her shoulder. “Almost as long as mine.”
“Almost.”
“What time is Claire’s mam picking you up?”
“Half past two.” A shiver of excitement rolled through me. “What time is it now?”
“Almost two,” my sister replied. “You know, you don’t have to bring the invitation with you, Liz.”
“I know. I just…like it.” Still clutching the invitation in my hands, I read it out loud for the hundredth time. “To Lizzie, you are—”
“Invited.”
“I know how to read, Caoimhe,” I grumbled before quickly carrying on, “to my seventh birthday party—”
“At two o’clock, on the thirty-first of October.”
“Hey,” I snapped, covering the invitation with my hand so she couldn’t see it. “I said I can read it myself.”
Huffing out a breath, I retrained my focus on the invitation.
“From Huge,” I said slowly, concentrating on saying it right. “From Hu…ge…” A laugh escaped my sister, and I narrowed my eyes in challenge. “It’s a hard name, okay!”
“Yes, it is,” she agreed, trying to smother her laughter. “And it’s Hugh, just so you know. Not Huge.”
“I knew that,” I grumbled, fingers trailing over the handwritten invitation. “Hugh. I like his name.” A small smile grew across my face. “I like his handwriting, too. He’s neat.”
“He is neat,” she agreed, leaning over my shoulder to inspect the invitation.
“I’m neat, too,” I offered. “Not as neat as him, though.”
“Yeah, well, you’re only six. He’s seven.”
“I’ll be seven in June.”
“So? It’s not a competition.”
“He does joint writing.” I held the invitation up to her face for a closer look. “Look at how good his g is.” I pointed to the perfectly curved letter. “It’s the best g I’ve ever seen.” I glanced up and caught her eye in the mirror. “You have to show me how to do it.”
“Oh my God, Liz, chill.” Setting the hairbrush down, my sister retrieved a bottle of perfume from the vanity and squirted it on my hair. “You don’t need to learn everything right now. Just turn your mind off and enjoy being a kid.”
“But I can’t turn my mind off,” I protested. “It never stops talking to me.”
“No.” Smoothing my hair, she gave me a warning look. “You don’t say things like that.”
Swallowing down my words, I nodded my head in understanding.
I knew what that look meant.
It was the same one Dad gave me.
Shut my mouth and keep it in my head.
“See how much we get along when you’re not being crazy?” Caoimhe offered then, fixing my outfit. “I swear, this past year has been the best since you were born.” She smiled at me in the mirror. “Honestly, you’re like a different person since they changed your meds.”
“I got in trouble at school last week,” I reminded her. “I bit a boy in my class.”
“Okay, aside from that,” she chuckled. “Overall, you’ve been kicking ass.”
I smiled proudly.
I liked it when Caoimhe was happy with me.
I wanted everyone to be happy with me.
“I hate my new doctor,” I replied, grimacing at the thought of the lady with the bright-pink lipstick. “She keeps asking me questions.”
“Yeah, well, if you don’t want to answer them, just lie.”
“Lie?”
She nodded. “Tell her what she wants to hear.”
“But I’m not supposed to tell lies.”
“White lies are fine.” She grinned. “I tell white lies all the time.”
“You do?”
She nodded. “Yup.”
“About what?”
“About my age when I want to do things that I’m too young for.” She grinned again. “And my…” A sad look came over her then and she sighed. “About lots of things.”
“Do you tell me lies?”
“Only to keep you safe.”
I frowned. “Huh?”
“It doesn’t matter.” She ruffled my hair again. “I am proud of you, you know. You’re talking like a normal human being and not freaking out every ten seconds. You’ve finally started primary school, made yourself a couple of little buddies, and you’ve even managed to snag yourself a party invite.” She winked. “Maybe there’s hope for you yet.”
“He’s really pretty,” I sighed, feeling my mind drift back to Claire’s brother. “He’s got brown eyes and he’s tall, and he smells like soap and strawberries, and he doesn’t look like a troll at all.”
“Aw,” Caoimhe gushed, pressing her hand to her chest. “You like him, don’t you?”
“Yep.” I pointed to my clothes then and asked, “Are you sure this is the right costume?”
“Oh yeah,” Caoimhe confirmed, perching sunglasses on my head like a hairband. “You look amazing, Liz.”
Mammy was supposed to help me get ready, but she had to go to the hospital last night. For another sleepover. Daddy went to visit her this morning and left Caoimhe in charge.
“When’s she coming home?”
“Who?”
“Mam.”
“Soon.”
“Today?”
My sister shook her head. “Just soon, Liz.”
“I’m not stupid, Caoimhe,” I growled, feeling my body heat up. “I know something’s happening to Mam,” I choked out, balling my hands into fists at my sides. “I just…I don’t understand.”
“Be glad you don’t, Liz.” Sighing heavily, she wrapped her arms around me from behind and hugged me tightly. “Listen, when you’re old enough to understand, I’ll explain everything to you, but until then, just enjoy being a kid.”
I can’t, I wanted to scream. I’m too scared.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” I pushed, stomach sinking. “Mammy’s really sick this time, isn’t she?”
“She was sick last time, too, and she got better,” my sister replied in a tight voice. “Mam’s a fighter. She’ll beat it again.”
“Why does it keep happening to her?”
“I don’t know.”
“But it keeps coming back, Caoimhe.”
“Yeah, Liz, I know.”
“Is she going to die?”
Caoimhe sighed heavily again. “Nope, enough of the heavy for one day.” Releasing me from her bear hug, Caoimhe straightened up and blew out a shaky breath. “Today is a good day, busy Lizzie bee.” Plastering on a wide smile, she walked over to her boom box and grabbed a cassette from her impressive stack of music. “It’s Halloween. You’re going to your first birthday party, where there will be countless hours of fun and dancing. Meanwhile, I’m spending the day with my boyfriend, therefore…” Pausing, she switched up tapes and fiddled with the buttons on the deck until the sound of “Twist and Shout” from Chaka Demus & Pliers blasted from the speakers. “I feel a little pre-dance celebration is in order.”
“Oh my God.” Unable to stop myself, I snickered into my hand when Caoimhe chicken danced toward me. “You are so strange.”
“Oh, I’m strange?” Laughing, she grabbed my hand and danced me across the room. “Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, Baby Sister.”
Unable to resist the temptation of dancing with Caoimhe, I pushed my scary feelings deep down inside and replaced them with a bright smile. One just like hers.
The sound of our doorbell ringing a moment later caused my sister to scream. “Oh my God. It’s him!” Squealing with excitement, she dropped my hands and dove for her vanity table. “He’s early!” Swiping up her favorite brown lipstick, she carefully drew on her lips before patting them together. Turning back to look at me, she fluffed out her hair. “Well?” she asked, pouting her lips and striking a pose. “How do I look?”
Caoimhe was wearing a loose, strappy, plaid-green dress that stopped way above her knees, her favorite Dr. Martens, and arms full of bangles. Her hair was half-up, half-down, with parts of it crimped.
“You look like a grown-up,” I replied, feeling jealous because my hair was straight and boring.
The doorbell rang again, and my sister burst into action. “Oh my God, I better go and let him inside,” she said, rushing toward me with her pinky finger extended. “Okay, you promise to not tell on me?”
I hooked my finger around hers. “I promise.”
“Dad would kill me if they knew I brought Mark over when they’re not home, so you can’t say anything.” She chewed on her lip. “Seriously, you can’t tell, Liz.”
“I won’t.”
“Because you know how pissed they got when I brought Dar over when they were out.” She snickered. “Dad was so pissed when they got home, and he found us in my room.”
“I miss Darren,” I replied, thinking about Shannon’s big brother. The one who looked just like her. “He was nice.”
“Yeah, I miss Dar, too,” she agreed. “We’ve drifted since starting secondary school, but he’ll always be one of my best friends.”
“How come you drifted?”
“He goes to BCS now,” she explained. “And he can’t stand…well, let’s just say he’s not the biggest fan of the friends I’ve made at Tommen.”
“How come he was never your boyfriend?” I shrugged. “You knew him first.”
“I used to want him to be.” She clasped her hands together and sighed. “But it didn’t happen that way.” She smiled brightly then. “But Mark is my boyfriend, and he’s superfine, and super-sexy, and I’ll be super-dead if Dad finds out he was here when I’m babysitting you, so you can’t tell.” She gave me a worried look. “I mean it, Liz. You have to keep your mouth shut.”
“I know, I know.” I rolled my eyes and grumbled, “I can keep a secret, Caoimhe.”
I always did.
