“Okay,” he says.
His mother sits across the table, hands folded, looking at him expectantly. His palms are starting to sweat. The room is small, one of the lesser conference rooms in the West Wing. He knows he could have asked her to lunch or something, but, well, he kind of panicked.
He guesses he should just do it.
“I’ve been, um,” he starts. “I’ve been figuring some stuff out about myself, lately. And . . . I wanted to let you know, because you’re my mom, and I want you to be a part of my life, and I don’t want to hide things from you. And also it’s, um, relevant to the campaign, from an image perspective.”
“Okay,” Ellen says, her voice neutral.
“Okay,” he repeats. “All right. Um. So, I’ve realized I’m not straight.
I’m actually bisexual.”
Her expression clears, and she laughs, unclasping her hands. “Oh, that’s it, sugar? God, I was worried it was gonna be something worse!” She reaches across the table, covering her hand with his. “That’s great, baby.
I’m so glad you told me.”
Alex smiles back, the anxious bubble in his chest shrinking slightly, but there’s one more bomb to drop. “Um. There’s something else. I kind of . . . met somebody.”
She tilts her head. “You did? Well, I’m happy for you, I hope you had them do all the paperwork—”
“It’s, uh,” he interrupts her. “It’s Henry.”
A beat. She frowns, her brow knitting together. “Henry . . . ?” “Yeah, Henry.”
“Henry, as in . . . the prince?” “Yes.”
“Of England?” “Yes.”
“So, not another Henry?”
“No, Mom. Prince Henry. Of Wales.”
“I thought you hated him?” she says. “Or . . . now you’re friends with him?”
“Both true at different points. But uh, now we’re like, a thing. Have been. A thing. For like, seven-ish months? I guess?”
“I . . . see.”
She stares at him for a very long minute. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
Suddenly, her phone is in her hand, and she’s standing, kicking her chair under the table. “Okay, I’m clearing my schedule for the afternoon,” she says. “I need, uh, time to prepare some materials. Are you free in an hour?
We can reconvene here. I’ll order food. Bring, uh, your passport and any receipts and relevant documents you have, sugar.”
She doesn’t wait to hear if he’s free, just walks backward out of the room and disappears into the corridor. The door isn’t even finished closing when a notification pops up on his phone. CALENDAR REQUEST FROM MOM: 2 P.M. WEST WING FIRST FLOOR, INTERNATIONAL ETHICS & SEXUAL IDENTITY DEBRIEF.
An hour later, there are several cartons of Chinese food and a PowerPoint cued up. The first slide says: SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION WITH FOREIGN MONARCHS: A GRAY AREA. Alex wonders if it’s too late to swan dive off the roof.
“Okay,” she says when he sits down, in almost exactly the same tone he
used on her earlier. “Before we start, I—I want to be clear, I love you and support you always. But this is, quite frankly, a logistical and ethical clusterfuck, so we need to make sure we have our ducks in a row. Okay?”
The next slide is titled: EXPLORING YOUR SEXUALITY: HEALTHY, BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE WITH THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND? She apologizes for
not having time to come up with better titles. Alex actively wishes for the sweet release of death.
The one after is: FEDERAL FUNDING, TRAVEL EXPENSES, BOOTY CALLS, AND YOU.
She’s mostly concerned with making sure he hasn’t used any federally
funded private jets to see Henry for exclusively personal visits—he hasn’t
—and with making him fill out a bunch of paperwork to cover both their asses. It feels clinical and wrong, checking little boxes about his relationship, especially when half are asking things he hasn’t even discussed with Henry yet.
It’s agonizing, but eventually it’s over, and he doesn’t die, which is something. His mother takes the last form and seals it up in an envelope with the rest. She sets it aside and takes off her reading glasses, setting those aside too.
“So,” she says. “Here’s the thing. I know I put a lot on you. But I do it because I trust you. You’re a dumbass, but I trust you, and I trust your judgment. I promised you years ago I would never tell you to be anything you’re not. So I’m not gonna be the president or the mother who forbids you from seeing him.”
She takes another breath, waiting for Alex to nod that he understands. “But,” she goes on, “this is a really, really big fucking deal. This is not
just some person from class or some intern. You need to think really long and hard because you are putting yourself and your career and, above all, this campaign and this entire administration, in danger here. I know you’re young, but this is a forever decision. Even if you don’t stay with him forever, if people find out, that sticks with you forever. So you need to figure out if you feel forever about him. And if you don’t, you need to cut it the fuck out.”
She rests her hands on the table in front of her, and the silence hangs in the air between them. Alex feels like his heart is caught somewhere between his tonsils.
Forever. It seems like an impossibly huge word, something he’s supposed to grow into ten years from now.
“Also,” she says. “I am so sorry to do this, sugar. But you’re off the campaign.”
Alex snaps back into razor sharp reality, stomach plummeting. “Wait, no—”
“This is not up for debate, Alex,” she tells him, and she does look sorry, but he knows the set of her jaw too well. “I can’t risk this. You’re way too close to the sun. We’re telling the press you’re focusing on other career options. I’ll have your desk cleaned out for you over the weekend.”
She holds out one hand, and Alex looks down into her palm, the worried lines there, until the realization clicks.
He reaches into his pocket, pulls out his campaign badge. The first artifact of his entire career, a career he’s managed to derail in a matter of months. And he hands it over.
“Oh, one last thing,” she says, her tone suddenly businesslike again, shuffling something from the bottom of her files. “I know Texas public schools don’t have sex ed for shit, and we didn’t go over this when we had the talk—which is on me for assuming—so I just wanted to make sure you know you still need to be using condoms even if you’re having anal interc
—”
“Okay, thanks, Mom!” Alex half yells, nearly knocking over his chair in his rush for the door.
“Wait, honey,” she calls after him, “I had Planned Parenthood send over all these pamphlets, take one! They sent a bike messenger and everything!”
A MASS OF FOOLS AND KNAVES
A <[email protected]> 8/10/20 1:04 AM TO HENRY
H,
Have you ever read any of Alexander Hamilton’s letters to John Laurens?
What am I saying? Of course you haven’t.
You’d probably be disinherited for revolutionary sympathies.
Well, since I got the boot from the
campaign, there is literally nothing for me to do but watch cable news (diligently
chipping away at my brain cells by the day), reread Harry Potter, and sort through all my old shit from college. Just looking at
papers, thinking: Excellent, yes, I’m so glad I stayed up all night writing this for a 98 in the class, only to get summarily fired
from the first job I ever had and exiled to my bedroom! Great job, Alex!
Is this how you feel in the palace all the time? It fucking sucks, man.
So anyway, I’m going through my college stuff, and I find this analysis I did of
Hamilton’s wartime correspondence, and hear me out: I think Hamilton could have been bi. His letters to Laurens are almost as romantic as his letters to his wife. Half of them are signed “Yours” or “Affectionately yrs,” and the last one before Laurens died is signed
“Yrs for ever.” I can’t figure out why nobody talks about the possibility of a Founding
Father being not straight (outside of
Chernow’s biography, which is great btw, see attached bibliography). I mean, I know why, but.
Anyway, I found this part of a letter he wrote to Laurens, and it made me think of you. And me, I guess:
The truth is I am an unlucky honest man, that speak my sentiments to all and with
emphasis. I say this to you because you know it and will not charge me with vanity. I hate Congress—I hate the army—I hate the world—I hate myself. The whole is a mass of fools and knaves; I could almost except you . . .
Thinking about history makes me wonder how I’ll fit into it one day, I guess. And you
too. I kinda wish people still wrote like that.
History, huh? Bet we could make some.
Affectionately yrs, slowly going insane, Alex, First Son of Founding Father
Sacrilege
RE: A MASS OF FOOLS AND KNAVES
HENRY <[email protected]> 8/10/20 4:18 AM
TO A
Alex, First Son of Masturbatory Historical Readings:
The phrase “see attached bibliography” is the single sexiest thing you have ever
written to me.
Every time you mention your slow decay
inside the White House, I can’t help but feel it’s my fault, and I feel absolutely shit
about it. I’m sorry. I should have known
better than to turn up at a thing like that. I got carried away; I didn’t think. I know how much that job meant to you.
I just want to . . . you know. Extend the option. If you wanted less of me, and more of that—the work, the uncomplicated things—I
would understand. Truly.
In any event . . . Believe it or not, I have actually done a bit of reading on
Hamilton, for a number of reasons. First, he was a brilliant writer. Second, I knew you were named after him (the pair of you share an alarming number of traits, by the by:
passionate determination, never knowing when to shut up, &c &c). And third, some saucy
tart once tried to impugn my virtue against an oil painting of him, and in the halls of memory, some things demand context.
Are you angling for a revolutionary soldier role-play scenario? I must inform you, any
trace of King George III blood I have would curdle in my very veins and render me useless to you.
Or are you suggesting you’d rather exchange passionate letters by candlelight?
Should I tell you that when we’re apart, your body comes back to me in dreams? That when I sleep, I see you, the dip of your
waist, the freckle above your hip, and when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I’ve
just been with you, the phantom touch of your hand on the back of my neck fresh and not
imagined? That I can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body
ache? That, for a few moments, I can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a
dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all?
I think perhaps Hamilton said it better in a letter to Eliza:
You engross my thoughts too intirely to allow me to think of any thing else—you not
only employ my mind all day; but you intrude upon my sleep. I meet you in every dream—and when I wake I cannot close my eyes again for ruminating on your sweetness.
If you did decide to take the option
mentioned at the start of this email, I do hope you haven’t read the rest of this
rubbish.
Regards,
Haplessly Romantic Heretic Prince Henry the Utterly Daft
RE: A MASS OF FOOLS AND KNAVES
A <[email protected]> 8/10/20 5:36 AM TO HENRY
H,
Please don’t be stupid. No part of any of this will ever be uncomplicated.
Anyway, you should be a writer. You are a writer.
Even after all this, I still always feel like I want to know more of you. Does that sound crazy? I just sit here and wonder, who
is this person who knows stuff about Hamilton and writes like this? Where does someone like that even come from? How was I so wrong?
It’s weird because I always know things
about people, gut feelings that usually lead me in more or less the right direction. I do think I got a gut feeling with you, I just didn’t have what I needed in my head to
understand it. But I kind of kept chasing it anyway, like I was just going blindly in a certain direction and hoping for the best. I guess that makes you the North Star?
I wanna see you again and soon. I keep reading that one paragraph over and over again. You know which one. I want you back
here with me. I want your body and I want the rest of you too. And I want to get the fuck out of this house. Watching June and Nora on TV doing appearances without me is torture.
We have this annual thing at my dad’s lake house in Texas. Whole long weekend off the
grid. There’s a lake with a pier, and my dad always cooks something fucking amazing. You wanna come? I kind of can’t stop thinking
about you all sunburned and pretty sitting out there in the country. It’s weekend after next. If Shaan can talk to Zahra or somebody
about flying you into Austin, we can pick you up from there. Say yes?
Yrs, Alex
P.S. Allen Ginsberg to Peter Orlovsky—1958:
Tho I long for the actual sunlight contact between us I miss you like a home. Shine back honey & think of me.
RE: A MASS OF FOOLS AND KNAVES
HENRY <[email protected]> 8/10/20 8:22 PM
TO A
Alex,
If I’m north, I shudder to think where in God’s name we’re going.
I’m ruminating on identity and your
question about where a person like me comes from, and as best as I can explain it, here’s a story:
Once, there was a young prince who was born in a castle. His mother was a princess
scholar, and his father was the most
handsome, feared knight in all the land. As a boy, people would bring him everything he
could ever dream of wanting. The most
beautiful silk clothes, ripe fruit from the orangery. At times, he was so happy, he felt he would never grow tired of being a prince.
He came from a long, long line of princes, but never before had there been a prince
quite like him: born with his heart on the outside of his body.
When he was small, his family would smile and laugh and say he would grow out of it one day. But as he grew, it stayed where it was, red and visible and alive. He didn’t mind it very much, but every day, the family’s fear grew that the people of the kingdom would
soon notice and turn their backs on the prince.
His grandmother, the queen, lived in a high tower, where she spoke only of the other
princes, past and present, who were born whole.
Then, the prince’s father, the knight, was struck down in battle. The lance tore open
his armor and his body and left him bleeding in the dust. And so, when the queen sent new clothes, armor for the prince to parcel his heart away safe, the prince’s mother did not stop her. For she was afraid, now: afraid of her son’s heart torn open too.
So the prince wore it, and for many years, he believed it was right.
Until he met the most devastatingly
gorgeous peasant boy from a nearby village who said absolutely ghastly things to him that made him feel alive for the first time in years and turned out the be the most mad sort of sorcerer, one who could conjure up
things like gold and vodka shots and apricot tarts out of absolutely nothing, and his
whole life went up in a puff of dazzling
purple smoke, and the kingdom said, “I can’t believe we’re all so surprised.”
I’m in for the lake house. I must admit, I’m glad you’re getting out of the house. I worry you may burn the thing down. Does this mean I’ll be meeting your father?
I miss you. x
Henry
P.S. This is mortifying and maudlin and, honestly, I hope you forget it as soon as you’ve read it.
P.P.S. From Henry James to Hendrik C. Andersen, 1899:
May the terrific U.S.A. be meanwhile not a brute to you. I feel in you a confidence,
dear Boy–which to show is a joy to me. My hopes and desires and sympathies right
heartily and most firmly, go with you. So
keep up your heart, and tell me, as it shapes itself, your (inevitably, I imagine, more or less weird) American story. May, at any rate, tutta quella gente be good to you.
“Do not,” Nora says, leaning over the passenger seat. “There is a system and you must respect the system.”
“I don’t believe in systems when I’m on vacation,” June says, her body folded halfway over Alex’s, trying to slap Nora’s hand out of the way.
“It’s math,” Nora says.
“Math has no authority here,” June tells her. “Math is everywhere, June.”
“Get off me,” Alex says, shoving June off his shoulder.
“You’re supposed to back me up on this!” June yelps, pulling his hair and receiving a very ugly face in response.
“I’ll let you look at one boob,” Nora tells him. “The good one.” “They’re both good,” June says, suddenly distracted.
“I’ve seen both of them. I can practically see both of them now,” Alex says, gesturing at what Nora is wearing for the day, which is a ratty pair of short overalls and the most perfunctory of bra-like things.
“Hashtag vacation nips,” she says. “Pleeeeeease.”
Alex sighs. “Sorry, Bug, but Nora did put more hours into her playlist, so she should get the aux cord.”
There’s a combination of girl sounds from the back seat, disgust and triumph, and Nora plugs her phone in, swearing she’s developed some kind of foolproof algorithm for the perfect road trip playlist. The first trumpets of “Loco in Acapulco” by the Four Tops blast, and Alex finally pulls out of the gas station.
The jeep is a refurb, a project his dad took on when Alex was around ten. It lives in California now, but he drives it into Texas once a year for this weekend, leaves it in Austin so Alex and June can drive it in. Alex learned to drive one summer in the valley in this jeep, and the accelerator feels just as good under his foot now as he falls into formation with two black Secret Service SUVs and heads for the interstate. He hardly ever gets to drive himself anywhere anymore.
The sky is wide open and bluebonnet blue for miles, the sun low and heavy with an early morning start, and Alex has his sunglasses on and his arms bare and the doors and roof off. He cranks up the stereo and feels like he could throw anything away on the wind whipping through his hair and it would just float away like it never was, as if nothing matters but the rush and skip in his chest.
But it’s all right behind the haze of dopamine: losing the campaign job, the restless days pacing his room, Do you feel forever about him?
He tips his chin up to the warm, sticky hometown air, catches his own eye in the rearview mirror. He looks bronzed and soft-mouthed and young, a Texas boy, the same kid he was when he left for DC. So, no more big thoughts for today.
Outside the hangar are a handful of PPOs and Henry in short-sleeved chambray, shorts, and a pair of fashionable sunglasses, Burberry weekender over one shoulder—a goddamn summer dream. Nora’s playlist has segued into “Here You Come Again” by Dolly Parton by the time Alex swings out of the side of the jeep by one arm.
“Yes, hello, hello, it’s good to see you too!” Henry is saying from somewhere inside a smothering hug from June and Nora. Alex bites his lip and watches Henry squeeze their waists in return, and then Alex has him, inhaling the clean smell of him, laughing into the crook of his neck.
“Hi, love,” he hears Henry say quietly, privately, right into the hair above his ear, and Alex’s breath forgets how to do anything but laugh helplessly.
“Drums, please!” erupts from the jeep’s stereo and the beat on “Summertime” kicks in, and Alex whoops his approval. Once Henry’s security team has fallen in with the Secret Service cars, they’re off.
Henry is grinning wide beside him as they cruise down 45, happily bopping his head along to the music, and Alex can’t help but keep glancing
over at him, feeling giddy that Henry—Henry the prince—is here, in Texas, coming home with him. June pulls four bottles of Mexican Coke out of the cooler under her seat and passes them around, and Henry takes the first sip and practically melts. Alex reaches over and takes Henry’s free hand into his own, lacing their fingers together on the console between them.
It takes an hour and a half to get out to Lake LBJ from Austin, and when they start weaving their way toward the water, Henry asks, “Why is it called Lake LBJ?”
“Nora?” Alex says.
“Lake LBJ,” Nora says, “or Lake Lyndon B. Johnson, is one of six reservoirs formed by dams on the Colorado River known as the Texas Highland Lakes. Made possible by LBJ enacting the Rural Electrification Act when he was president. And LBJ had a place out here.”
“That’s true,” Alex says.
“Also, fun fact: LBJ was obsessed with his own dick,” Nora adds. “He called it Jumbo and would whip it out all the time. Like, in front of colleagues, reporters, anybody.”
“Also true.”
“American politics,” Henry says. “Truly fascinating.” “You wanna talk, Henry VIII?” Alex says.
“Anyway,” Henry says airily, “how long have you lot come out here?” “Dad bought it when he and Mom split up, so when I was twelve,” Alex
tells him. “He wanted to have a place close to us after he moved. We used to spend so much time here in the summers.”
“Aw, Alex, remember when you got drunk for the first time out here?” June says.
“Strawberry daiquiris all day.”
“You threw up so much,” she says fondly.
They pull into a driveway flanked by thick trees and drive up to the house at the top of the hill, the same old vibrant orange exterior and smooth arches, tall cactuses and aloe plants. His mom was never into the whole hacienda school of home decor, so his dad went all in when he bought the lake house, tall teal doors and heavy wooden beams and Spanish tile accents in pinks and reds. There’s a big wrap-around porch and stairs leading down the hill to the dock, and all the windows facing the water have been flung open, the curtains drifting out on a warm breeze.
Their teams fall back to check the perimeter—they’re renting out the place next door for added privacy and the obligatory security presence. Henry effortlessly lifts June’s cooler up onto one shoulder and Alex pointedly does not swoon about it.
There’s the loud yell of Oscar Diaz coming around the corner, dripping and apparently fresh from a swim. He’s wearing his old brown huaraches and a pair of swim trunks with parrots on them, both arms extended to the sun, and June is summarily scooped up into them.
“CJ!” he says as he spins her around and deposits her on the stucco railing. Nora is next, and then a bone-crushing hug for Alex.
Henry steps forward, and Oscar looks him up and down—the Burberry bag, the cooler on his shoulder, the elegant smile, the extended hand. His dad had been confused but ultimately willing to roll with it when Alex asked if he could bring a friend and casually mentioned the friend would be the Prince of Wales. He’s not sure how this will go.
“Hello,” Henry says. “Good to meet you. I’m Henry.”
Oscar slaps his hand into Henry’s. “Hope you’re ready to fucking party.”
Oscar may be the cook of the family, but Alex’s mom was the one who grilled. It didn’t always track in Pemberton Heights—his Mexican dad in the house diligently soaking a tres leches while his blond mom stood out in the yard flipping burgers—but it worked. Alex determinedly picked up the best from both of them, and now he’s the only one here who can handle racks of ribs while Oscar does the rest.
The kitchen of the lake house faces the water, always smelling like citrus and salt and herbs, and his dad keeps it stocked with plump tomatoes and clay-soft avocados when they’re visiting. He’s standing in front of the big, open windows now, three racks of ribs spread out on pans on the counter in front of him. His dad is at the sink, shucking ears of corn and humming along to an old Chente record.
Brown sugar. Smoked paprika. Onion powder. Chili powder. Garlic powder. Cayenne pepper. Salt. Pepper. More brown sugar. Alex measures each one out with his hands and dumps them into the bowl.
Down by the dock, June and Nora are embroiled in what looks like an improvised jousting match, charging at each other on the backs of inflatable animals with pool noodles. Henry is tipsy and shirtless and attempting to
referee, standing on the dock with one foot on a piling and waving a bottle of Shiner around like a madman.
Alex smiles a little to himself, watching them. Henry and his girls. “So, you wanna talk about it?” says his father’s voice, in Spanish, from
somewhere to his left.
Alex jumps a little, startled. His dad has relocated to the bar a few feet down from him, mixing up a big batch of cotija and crema and seasonings for elotes.
“Uh.” Has he been that obvious already? “About Raf.”
Alex exhales, his shoulders dropping, and returns his attention to the dry rub.
“Ah. That motherfucker,” he says. They’ve only broached the topic in passing obscenities over text since the news broke. There’s a mutual sting of betrayal. “Do you have any idea what he’s thinking?”
“I don’t have anything kinder to say about him than you do. And I don’t have an explanation either. But . . .” He pauses thoughtfully, still stirring.
Alex can sense him weighing out several thoughts at once, as he often does. “I don’t know. After all this time, I want to believe there’s a reason for him to put himself in the same room as Jeffrey Richards. But I can’t figure out what.”
Alex thinks about the conversation he overheard in the housekeeper’s office, wondering if his dad is ever going to let him in on the full picture. He doesn’t know how to ask without revealing that he literally climbed into a bush to eavesdrop on them. His dad’s relationship with Luna has always been like that—grown-up talk.
Alex was at the fundraiser for Oscar’s Senate run where they first met Luna, Alex only fourteen and already taking notes. Luna showed up with a pride flag unapologetically stuck in his lapel; Alex wrote that down.
“Why’d you pick him?” Alex asks. “I remember that campaign. We met a lot of people who would’ve made great politicians. Why wouldn’t you pick someone easier to elect?”
“You mean, why’d I roll the dice on the gay one?” Alex concentrates on keeping his face neutral.
“I wasn’t gonna put it like that,” he says, “but yeah.”
“Raf ever tell you his parents kicked him out when he was sixteen?”
Alex winces. “I knew he had a hard time before college, but he didn’t specify.”
“Yeah, they didn’t take the news so well. He had a rough couple of years, but it made him tough. The night we met him, it was the first time he’d been back in California since he got kicked out, but he was damn sure gonna come in to support a brother out of Mexico City. It was like when Zahra showed up at your mom’s office in Austin and said she wanted to prove the bastards wrong. You know a fighter when you see one.”
“Yeah,” Alex says.
There’s another pause of Chente crooning in the background while Oscar stirs, before he speaks again.
“You know . . .” he says. “That summer, I sent you to work on his campaign because you’re the best point man I got. I knew you could do it. But I really thought there was a lot you could learn from him too. You got a lot in common.”
Alex says nothing for a long moment.
“I gotta be honest,” his dad says, and when Alex looks up again, he’s watching the window. “I thought a prince would be more of a candy-ass.”
Alex laughs, glancing back out at Henry, the sway of his back under the afternoon sun. “He’s tougher than he looks.”
“Not bad for a European,” his dad says. “Better than half the idiots June’s brought home.” Alex’s hands freeze, and his head jerks back to his dad, who’s still stirring with his heavy wooden spoon, face impartial. “Half the girls you’ve brought around too. Not better than Nora, though. She’ll always be my favorite.” Alex stares at him, until his dad finally looks up. “What? You’re not as subtle as you think.”
“I—I don’t know,” Alex sputters. “I thought you might need to, like, have a Catholic moment about this or something?”
His dad slaps him on the bicep with the spoon, leaving a splatter of crema and cheese behind. “Have a little more faith in your old man than that, eh? A little appreciation for the patron saint of gender-neutral bathrooms in California? Little shit.”
“Okay, okay, sorry!” Alex says, laughing. “I just know it’s different when it’s your own kid.”
His dad laughs too, rubbing a hand over his goatee. “It’s really not. Not to me, anyway. I see you.”
Alex smiles again. “I know.” “Does your ma know?”
“Yeah, I told her a couple weeks ago.” “How’d she take it?”
“I mean, she doesn’t care that I’m bi. She kind of freaked out it was him. There was a PowerPoint.”
“That sounds about right.”
“She fired me. And, uh. She told me I need to figure out if the way I feel about him is worth the risk.”
“Well, is it?”
Alex groans. “Please, for the love of God, do not ask me. I’m on
vacation. I want to get drunk and eat barbecue in peace.”
His dad laughs ruefully. “You know, in a lot of ways, your mom and me were a stupid idea. I think we both knew it wouldn’t be forever. We’re both too fucking proud. But God, that woman. Your mother is, without question, the love of my life. I’ll never love anyone else like that. It was wildfire.
And I got you and June out of it, best things that ever happened to an old asshole like me. That kind of love is rare, even if it was a complete disaster.” He sucks his teeth, considering. “Sometimes you just jump and hope it’s not a cliff.”
Alex closes his eyes. “Are you done with dad monologues for the day?” “You’re such a shit,” he says, throwing a kitchen towel at his head. “Go
put the ribs on. I wanna eat today.” He calls after Alex’s back, “You two better take the bunk beds tonight! Santa Maria is watching!”
They eat later that evening, big piles of elotes, pork tamales with salsa verde, a clay pot of frijoles charros, ribs. Henry gamely piles his plate with some of each and eyeballs it as if waiting for it to reveal its secrets to him, and Alex realizes Henry has never eaten barbecue with his hands before.
Alex demonstrates and watches with poorly concealed glee as Henry gingerly picks up a rib with his fingertips and considers his approach, cheering as Henry dives in face-first and rips a hunk of meat off with his teeth. He chews proudly, a huge smear of barbecue sauce across his upper lip and the tip of his nose.
His dad keeps an old guitar in the living room, and June brings it out on the porch so the two of them can pass it back and forth. Nora, one of Alex’s chambrays thrown on over her bikini, floats barefoot in and out, keeping all
their glasses filled from a pitcher of sangria brimming with white peaches and blackberries.
They sit around the fire pit and play old Johnny Cash songs, Selena, Fleetwood Mac. Alex sits and listens to the cicadas and the water and his dad’s rough, ranger voice, and when his dad slumps off to bed, June’s songbird one. He feels wrapped up and warm, turning slowly under the moon.
He and Henry drift to a swing at the edge of the porch, and he curls into Henry’s side, buries his face in the collar of his shirt. Henry puts an arm around him, touches the hinge of Alex’s jaw with fingers that smell like smoke.
June plucks away at “Annie’s Song,” you fill up my senses like a night in a forest, and the breeze keeps moving to meet the highest branches of the trees, and the water keeps rising to meet the bulkheads, and Henry leans down to meet Alex’s mouth, and Alex is. Well, Alex is so in love he could die.
Alex falls out of bed the following morning with a low-grade hangover and one of Henry’s swimsuits tangled around his elbow. They did, technically, sleep in separate bunks. They just didn’t start there.
Over the kitchen sink, he chugs a glass of water and stares out the window, the sun blinding and bright on the lake, and there’s an incandescent little stone of certainty at the bottom of his chest.
It’s this place—the absolute separation from DC, the familiar old smells of cedar trees and dried chile de árbol, the sanity of it. The roots. He could go outside and dig his fingers into the springy ground and understand anything about himself.
And he does understand, really. He loves Henry, and it’s nothing new. He’s been falling in love with Henry for years, probably since he first saw him in glossy print on the pages of J14, almost definitely since he pinned Alex to the floor of a medical supply closet and told him to shut the hell up. That long. That much.
He smiles as he reaches for a frying pan, because he knows it’s exactly the kind of insane risk he can’t resist.
By the time Henry comes wandering into the kitchen in his pajamas, there’s an entire breakfast spread on the long green table, and Alex is at the stove, flipping his dozenth pancake.
“Is that an apron?”
Alex flourishes toward the polka-dotted thing he’s got on over his boxers with his free hand, as if showing off one of his tailored suits. “Morning, sweetheart.”
“Sorry,” Henry says. “I was looking for someone else. Handsome, petulant, short, not pleasant until after ten a.m.? Have you seen him?”
“Fuck off, five-nine is average.”
Henry crosses the room with a laugh and nudges up behind him at the stove to peck him on the cheek. “Love, you and I both know you’re rounding up.”
It’s only a step on the way to the coffeemaker, but Alex reaches back and gets a hand in Henry’s hair before he can move, pulling him into a kiss on the mouth this time. Henry huffs a little in surprise but returns it fully.
Alex forgets, momentarily, about the pancakes and everything else, not because he wants to do absolutely filthy things to Henry—maybe even with the apron still on—but because he loves him, and isn’t that wild, to know that that’s what makes the filthy things so good.
“I didn’t realize this was a jazz brunch,” says Nora’s voice suddenly, and Henry springs backward so fast he almost puts his ass in the bowl of batter. She sidles up to the forgotten coffeemaker, grinning slyly at them. “That doesn’t seem sanitary,” June is saying with a yawn as she folds
herself into a chair at the table. “Sorry,” Henry says sheepishly. “Don’t be,” Nora tells him. “I’m not,” Alex says.
“I’m hungover,” June says as she reaches for the pitcher of mimosas. “Alex, you did all this?”
Alex shrugs, and June squints at him, bleary but knowing.
That afternoon, over the sounds of the boat’s engine, Henry talks to Alex’s dad about the sailboats that jut up from the horizon, getting into a complex discussion on outboard motors that Alex can’t hope to follow. He leans back against the bow and watches, and it’s so easy to imagine it: a future Henry who comes to the lake house with him every summer, who learns how to make elotes and ties neat cleat hitches and fits right into place in his weird family.
They go swimming, yell over one another about politics, pass the guitar around again. Henry takes a photo of himself with June and Nora, one under each arm and both in their bikinis. Nora is holding his chin in one hand and licking the side of his face, and June has her fingers tangled up in his hair and her head in the crook of his neck, smiling angelically at the camera. He sends it to Pez and receives anguished keysmashes and crying emojis in response, and they all almost piss themselves laughing.
It’s good. It’s really, really good.
Alex lies awake that night, drunk on Shiner and way too many campfire marshmallows, and he stares at whorls in the wood panels of the top bunk and thinks about coming of age out here. He remembers when he was young and freckly and unafraid, when the world seemed like it was blissfully endless but everything still made perfect sense. He used to leave his clothes in a pile on the pier and dive headfirst into the lake. Everything was in its right place.
He wears a key to his childhood home around his neck, but he doesn’t know the last time he actually thought about the boy who used to push it into the lock.
Maybe losing the job isn’t the worst thing that could have happened.
He thinks about roots, about first and second languages. What he wanted when he was a kid and what he wants now and where those things overlap. Maybe that place, the meeting of the two, is here somewhere, in the gentle insistence of the water around his legs, crude letters carved with an old pocket knife. The steady thrum of another person’s pulse against his.
“H?” he whispers. “You awake?” Henry sighs. “Always.”
They sneak through the grass in hushed voices past one of Henry’s PPOs dozing on the porch, racing down the pier, shoving at each other’s shoulders. Henry’s laugh is high and clear, his sunburned shoulders bright pink in the dark, and Alex looks at him and something so buoyant fills up his chest that he feels like he could swim the length of the lake without stopping for air. He throws his T-shirt down at the end of the pier and starts to shuck his boxers, and when Henry arches an eyebrow at him, Alex laughs and jumps.
“You’re a menace,” Henry says when Alex breaks back to the surface.
But he only hesitates briefly before he’s stripping out of his clothes.
He stands naked at the edge of the pier, looking at Alex’s head and shoulders bobbing in the water. The lines of him are long and languid in the moonlight, just skin and skin and skin lit soft and blue, and he’s so beautiful that Alex thinks this moment, the soft shadows and pale thighs and crooked smile, should be the portrait of Henry that goes down in history. There are fireflies winking around his head, landing in his hair. A crown.
His dive is infuriatingly graceful.
“Can’t you ever just do one thing without having to be so goddamn extra about it?” Alex says, splashing him as soon as he surfaces.
“That is bloody rich coming from you,” Henry says, and he’s grinning like he does when he’s drinking in a challenge, like nothing in the world pleases him more than Alex’s antagonizing elbow in his side.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alex says, kicking over to him.
They chase each other around the pier, race down to the lake’s shallow bottom and shoot back up in the moonlight, all elbows and knees. Alex finally manages to catch Henry around the waist, and he pins him, slides his wet mouth over the thudding pulse of Henry’s throat. He wants to stay tangled up in Henry’s legs forever. He wants to match the new freckles across Henry’s nose to the stars above them and make him name the constellations.
“Hey,” he says, his mouth right up in a breath’s space from Henry’s. He watches a drop of water roll down Henry’s perfect nose and disappear into his mouth.
“Hi,” Henry says back, and Alex thinks, Goddamn, I love him. It keeps coming back to him, and it’s getting harder to look into Henry’s soft smiles and not say it.
He kicks out a little to turn them in a slow circle. “You look good out here.”
Henry’s grin goes crooked and a little shy, dipping down to brush against Alex’s jaw. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Alex says. He twists Henry’s wet hair around his fingers. “I’m glad you came this weekend,” Alex hears himself say. “It’s been so intense lately. I . . . I really needed this.”
Henry’s fingers give a little jab to his ribs, gently scolding. “You carry too much.”
His instinct has always been to shoot back, No, I don’t, or, I want to, but he bites it back and says, “I know,” and he realizes it’s the truth. “You know what I’m thinking right now?”
“What?”
“I’m thinking about, after inauguration, like next year, taking you back out here, just the two of us. And we can sit under the moon and not stress about anything.”
“Oh,” Henry says. “That sounds nice, if unlikely.”
“Come on, think about it, babe. Next year. My mom’ll be in office again, and we won’t have to worry about winning any more elections. I’ll finally be able to breathe. Ugh, it’ll be amazing. I’ll cook migas in the mornings, and we’ll swim all day and never put clothes on and make out on the pier, and it won’t even matter if the neighbors see.”
“Well. It will matter, you know. It will always matter.” He pulls back to find Henry’s face indecipherable. “You know what I mean.”
Henry’s looking at him and looking at him, and Alex can’t shake the feeling Henry’s really seeing him for the first time. He realizes it’s probably the only time he’s ever invited love into a conversation with Henry on purpose, and it must be lying wide open on his face.
Something moves behind Henry’s eyes. “Where are you going with all this?”
Alex tries to figure out how the hell to funnel everything he needs to tell Henry into words.
“June says I have a fire under my ass for no good reason,” he says. “I don’t know. You know how they always say to take it one day at a time? I think I take it ten years in the future. Like when I was in high school, it was all: Well, my parents hate each other, and my sister is leaving for college, and sometimes I look at other guys in the shower, but if I keep looking directly ahead, that stuff can’t catch up to me. Or if I take this class, or this internship, or this job. I used to think, if I pictured the person I wanted to be and took all the crazy anxiety in my brain and narrowed it down to that point, I could rewire it. Use it to power something else. It’s like I never learned how to just be where I am.”
Alex takes a breath. “And where I am is here. With you. And I’m thinking maybe I should start trying to take it day by day. And just . . . feel
what I feel.”
Henry doesn’t say anything.
“Sweetheart.” The water ripples quietly around him as he slides his hands up to hold Henry’s face in both palms, tracing his cheekbones with the wet pads of his thumbs.
The cicadas and the wind and the lake are probably still making sounds, somewhere, but it’s all faded into silence. Alex can’t hear anything but his heartbeat in his ears.
“Henry, I—”
Abruptly Henry shifts, ducking beneath the surface and out of his arms before he can say anything else.
He pops back up near the pier, hair sticking to his forehead, and Alex turns around and stares at him, breathless at the loss. Henry spits out lake water and sends a splash in his direction, and Alex forces a laugh.
“Christ,” Henry says, slapping at a bug that’s landed on him, “what are these infernal creatures?”
“Mosquitos,” Alex supplies.
“They’re awful,” Henry says loftily. “I’m going to catch an exotic plague.”
“I’m . . . sorry?”
“I just mean to say, you know, Philip is the heir and I’m the spare, and if that nervy bastard has a heart attack at thirty-five and I’ve got malaria, whither the spare?”
Alex laughs weakly again, but he’s got a distinct feeling of something being pulled out of his hands right before he could grasp it. Henry’s tone has gone light, clipped, superficial. His press voice.
“At any rate, I’m knackered,” Henry is saying now. And Alex watches helplessly as he turns and starts hauling himself out of the water and onto the dock, pulling his shorts back up shivering legs. “If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll go to bed.”
Alex doesn’t know what to say, so he watches Henry walk the long line of the dock, disappearing into the darkness.
A ringing, scooped-out sensation starts behind his molars and rolls down his throat, into his chest, down to the pit of his stomach. Something’s wrong, and he knows it, but he’s too afraid to push back or ask. That, he realizes suddenly, is the danger of allowing love into this—the
acknowledgment that if something went wrong, he doesn’t know how he would stand it.
For the first time since Henry grabbed him and kissed him with so much certainty in the garden, the thought enters Alex’s mind: What if it was never his decision to make? What if he got so wrapped up in everything Henry is
—the words he writes, the earnest, heartsickness of him—he forgot to take into account that it’s just how he is, all the time, with everyone?
What if he’s done the thing he swore he would never do, the thing he hates, and fallen in love with a prince because it was a fantasy?
When he gets back to their room, Henry’s already in his bunk and silent, his back turned.
In the morning, Henry is gone.
Alex wakes up to find his bunk empty and made up, the pillow tucked neatly beneath the blanket. He practically throws the door off its hinges running out onto the patio, only to find it empty as well. The yard is empty, the pier is empty. It’s like he was never even there.
He finds the note in the kitchen:
Alex,
Had to go early for a family matter. Left with the PPOs. Didn’t want to wake you.
Thank you for everything. X
It’s the last message Henry sends him.
