Every day since I broke up with Daniel a month ago, I went through the motions like a robot.
I woke up, took a shower, went to work. On my infrequent days off, I slept. All day. And my dreams were worse than reality.
I dreamed of Daniel mostly. Of Wakan and the Grant House, running through the rooms, looking for him. And when I woke up, Iโd feel around for a second to find him, only to remember he wasnโt there and never would be again.
I was always tired now. And my brain was misfiring.
I couldnโt remember the stained glass on the landing. It was the oddest thing. It was just gone from my memory, like Wakan had decided to keep it when I left. Was it a garden? Or deer in a meadow? Or a mosaic? It bothered me so much, I went to TripAdvisor to see if anyone had posted pictures, and there wasnโt a single one. One of the most beautiful things in the house, and nobody had taken a photo? The only one I found of it was a black-and-white of the staircase on a website about historic Minnesota homes. It was taken the year the house was built. But the window was completely black. Like the camera had malfunctioned.
My mind reached uselessly for the memory and then finally gave up. It was something that only belonged to Wakan. And you couldnโt have it once you left.
Not even in your dreams.
I took my dressing-down by Dad for the Daniel thing with so little emotion, he lost interest and gave up on lecturing me. I was like a catatonic patient. A zombie.
I didnโt respond to Gabby and Jessicaโs texts. I didnโt take Bri up on her offers to go to dinner or come over. I just buried myself in work, kept moving so none of what happened would catch up with me and pin me down.
Mom stopped by a few days after the scene at the hospital. She was hurt I hadnโt told her about Daniel. Then she begged me to apologize to Dad for lying about trying to work it out with Neil.
What he needed an apology for, I couldnโt understand. He was the only one getting everything he wanted.
I wondered, looking at her, if Dad had lured her in once like Neil did to me. If he made her feel like the most special woman in the world, pretended to be someone different, dangled the Montgomery legacy that she valued so muchโand by the time he showed her who he really was, it was too late. And even without asking her, I knew thatโs the way it was.
The day after tomorrow was the quasquicentennial. It was my chance to network with the board and important investors for the hospital. It was the first time that Iโd be operating as a Montgomery in an official capacity, stepping into the role Iโd seen Mom play my entire life.
I should have been looking forward to it. Not the party or the schmoozing part, but the beginning of my ability to make a difference. And I couldnโt even muster the energy to care about it. It felt completely meaningless to me. Everything did.
Thisย is what depression felt like.
I thought it had been bad back when I was with Neil. But this was a darkness Iโd never experienced before. My body felt atrophied, like the
simple act of getting up was a feat.
Nothing made me smile. None of the things I typically loved appealed to me. And it occurred to me that I had drowned. I didnโt save myself. And now I was just floating, weightless, dead inside.
I wondered when it would get betterโwhen doing the right thing would start to feel like the right thing. I didnโt just end this for me, I did it for Daniel. So he wouldnโt leave his life. So he wouldnโt be subjected to the things that my friends and family would put him through, no matter how much I would try to shield him from it if he was here.
If this was the best thing for both of us, why was it so, so hard?
I got off even later than usual. There had been a mass casualty situation at work, a multi-car pileup. A seven-year-old had died, and Iโd had to tell the family.
It was one of those days when I wished even more than usual that I could go be in Wakan with Daniel. That I could lie in bed with him, whispering in the dark, letting him brush the hair off my forehead and kiss me. Feel the rumbling in his chest while he told me that it was going to be okay. Heโd make sure I ate, even though I wouldnโt want to. Put me in one of his T- shirts while heโd cook me dinner, and Hunter would have his chin in my lap.
But I would never feel that safe and cared for again. I wouldnโt find that kind of love a second time. I wouldnโt even try. I knew how lucky I was to even have had it once.
I would be single for the rest of my life. No kids, no marriage. I didnโt want it with anyone else. I would be my career now. I would finally be what Dad wanted. Nothing but a Montgomeryโand a good one too. One without any distractions.
And the legacy would die with me.
Derek wouldnโt be back, and I would never have an heir. In their lack of foresight, my parents had effectively set into motion the destruction of the one thing they cared most about.
I think they still thought Iโd get back with Neil. Marry him, have children whoโd grow up under the same abusive dynamic I had, with a narcissistic, controlling father and a mother too worn down to protect them.
It would never happen.
Thisย was the price of their prejudice.
Graceย would have cost them nothing.
I walked into my dark bedroom and dropped my bag on the floor. I peered around tiredly.
I hadnโt moved any of Danielโs things. The heart-shaped rock was where Iโd left it. The last hoodie Iโd stolen from him was still draped over my chair. I stood there now, staring at it.
It would still smell like him. I could put it on and climb into bed and imagine that he was holding me.
And then I wondered if he was holding someone else. Seeing other people already. Trying to move on like he should. I pictured Doug dragging him to bars, getting him on a dating app.
Maybe some other girl was wearing his hoodies now. It kicked the legs right out from under me.
Most days I was strong. I was able to live with the choices I had made. The choices I was forced to make. I could fight the urge to call him and hear his voice. I could stay away.
But not today.