It was early May, a few days after I’d delivered a baby in Wakan, and Mom and I were celebrating Mother’s Day.
She was on call so much when I was growing up that celebrating on the actual day was almost never possible, so we’d started the tradition of doing it before the holiday. Today we went to the Mad Hatter Tea House in Anoka. It was a historic home on the Rum River that reminded me a lot of the Grant House, actually. It was built by a doctor in 1857. Going there was one of my favorite things to do with Mom.
She was better when Dad wasn’t around. More…her.
She had on a white lace dress with a brimmed hat that had white feathers on it. She wore my grandmother’s pearls and elbow-length satin gloves. Her makeup was delicate and natural. She looked like she belonged to a different time.
Mom was elegant, always perfectly put together. She made it seem effortless, though I know it wasn’t.
Mom had been personally responsible for the continued success of Royaume over the last forty years. She and Dad were a power couple. He made the medical journals and posed on the covers of magazines, and Mom brought in the money and the talent. She charmed donors and doctors alike, bringing in gifted physicians from all over the world.
And these were the shoes I had to fill.
I couldn’t be Dad. And I couldn’t imagine ever being Mom either. I didn’t know how.
I was struggling with what I was going to do in my new role.
Derek’s path had been obvious. He was a little of everything. One part both my parents. Charming and charismatic, driven and successful. He would have probably ended up with a reality TV show on TLC or something. Then he would have used his fame to attract donors and continue to elevate the hospital.
I had no idea what my thing was going to be. I hated networking. My field didn’t really allow for notoriety. I couldn’t stand the idea of being on television.
I’d have the hospital’s resources at my fingertips. I could start a clinical trial or get behind some other initiative. The board would approve anything I wanted. But what? What was I passionate about? I didn’t really know.
And it terrified me.
I was afraid I was going to drop this ball so completely it would shatter, and I’d never be able to put it back together again.
The server set down a teapot with the house orange bergamot in it. A few minutes later our three-level tray arrived with tiny sandwiches and petit fours.
I put a sugar cube into my floral teacup. “So, how are you enjoying retirement?” I asked Mom.
She sighed. “I’m not. I miss working. I’m so happy I get to help you prepare for the gala, just to have something to do.”
Mom was going to start training me for the speech I had to give at the event. Public speaking wasn’t my thing either, but I’d have to do it nonetheless.
She put jam on a scone. “So tell me, what have you been up to?”
I stirred my tea. “Nothing.”
I hated that I couldn’t tell her about Daniel. I hated it.
While Mom and I had waited for our table, we’d wandered upstairs to the gift shop, and I’d bought a whole bag of things for him. Scone mixes and homemade lemon curd and six different kinds of loose tea. Mom asked me who it was for, and I had to lie and say it was for Bri.
Mom was squarely Team Neil. And even if she wasn’t, she’d tell Dad anything I shared with her, and then I’d hear it from him. Not that there was anything to tell. Daniel wasn’t going to be anything serious. But I didn’t like that there were entire parts of my life I felt I couldn’t talk to her about.
But wasn’t that true even when I was with Neil?
I never told them what Neil did beyond the cheating. It was weird, but I got the sense they’d blame me for it. Like Neil was so far up on their pedestal, not even emotional abuse could knock him down.
I changed the subject. “So have you talked to Derek?”
She paused. “I haven’t spoken to your brother since he left.” There was something tight about her voice. “How are you?” she asked. “I know this has been a lot of change for you. Derek leaving and Neil.”
And Dad.
He hung there in the silence.
Sometimes I thought Neil and Dad were so much alike. The same drive, the same demanding type-A personality. It’s probably why they got along so well.
“Any updates on the chief position?” she asked.
“Not yet,” I said. “I haven’t seen Gibson yet,” I added.
I know Dad had basically informed me that I’d be taking this job, whether I wanted it or not. But fortunately I actually did want it. I’d always wanted it. If I hadn’t been with Neil, I’d probably be chief already. It had
come up a few times over the years, and he always found a way to talk me out of it.
I don’t think he wanted me to advance. Like it made him feel threatened that I might end up his equal in any way. I think he liked the trophy aspect of having a Montgomery for a girlfriend, as long as I stayed beneath him.
It was funny that the very thing Dad was upset about—my lack of ambition—was brought on by the same man he was demanding I reconcile with.
“I think you’d make an excellent chief, Alexis.” Mom put a hand over mine. “I know how overwhelming all this is, but you’ll find your stride. There’s so much you can do at Royaume, especially in a position of leadership. You will never find this same influence anywhere else. You will never be able to change the world the way you can here. I can’t wait to see what you do with it.”
I smiled a little.
That was the difference between Mom and Dad. Dad didn’t want me to embarrass him. He wanted to be able to brag about me and my accomplishments at dinner parties.
Mom wanted me to be effective.
She wanted to help people. And you know what? So did I.
I didn’t want it. I didn’t sign up for it. But Mom was right. I really could do amazing things here.
I just had to figure out what those things were going to be.
Two days later Bri found me in the supply closet by the chief’s office. “What are you doing?” she asked, peering over my shoulder in the doorway.
I surveyed a shelf of baby formula. “Gibson said I could have whatever I want out of the free sample stash. I think I need a trauma kit for my car.”
“For what?”
I picked up a can of Enfamil and started reading the label. “I keep going on medical calls in Wakan. I delivered a baby last week, and I didn’t even have PPE.”
“You delivered a baby,” she deadpanned.
“Yeah. With a double nuchal cord.” I nodded at a machine gathering dust on a shelf. “Do you think Gibson would let me have that portable EKG?”
She shrugged. “I don’t see why not. A rep gave us that two years ago to test in the ambulances. We’re not using it, and they don’t want it back.” She peered at the pile I had started. “What else you got?”
“Gauze, Kerlix wrap, Ace bandages, butterflies, liquid stitch, needles, syringes, lidocaine—you know they’re stitching each other up with a fishhook over there?”
She scoffed. “Probably using Krazy Glue too.” I paused, holding a C-collar. “I bet they are…”
She started pulling things. “So what are you doing tonight? Want to have dinner?”
“I can’t. I’m having dinner with my parents. They want to talk about the quasquicentennial.”
She grabbed a box of instant ice packs. “How about dinner tomorrow then? Or are you going to that thing at Gabby’s?”
I shook my head. “I’m not really hanging out with them right now.” “Why? Because of the TripAdvisor thing?”
I shrugged, tossing a few eye shields into the keep pile. “That. And I don’t know. I just don’t think I have as much in common with them as I thought I did. But I can’t go tomorrow either. I think I’m going to Daniel’s.”
I was definitely going to Daniel’s.
I’d stolen a different hoodie on my way out the other day. This one was from Cabela’s. It was gray and it had deer antlers on the front. Daniel had a cherry ChapStick in the pocket that tasted like his mouth. It was like a tiny bonus prize, and I loved it.
I’d turned the thermostat down to freezing last night just so I could sleep in it. I’d lain in bed wearing it, talking to him on the phone until almost midnight. Even thinking about it made me smile.
“So I took a page out of your dating playbook this week,” Bri said. “Went on a Tinder date with a twenty-six-year-old.”
I arched an eyebrow. “And?”
“And the guy’s entire apartment was a TV, an Xbox, and a recliner parked in front of it. His mattress was on the floor. He only had one plate.”
I laughed.
“Does Daniel have more than one plate? Because I feel like he’s a more than one plate kind of guy.”
I grinned at the shelves. “He has lots of plates. Nice ones, actually.
Antiques.”
“I bet he folds towels the right way too. A mythical creature.”
I laughed. “Did you sleep with him? The twenty-six-year-old?”
“No. I refuse to have sex with someone who doesn’t have a headboard. I’m not that desperate—yet. My vagina has officially been closed so long I’m afraid a Spirit Halloween is going to move in.”
I laughed so hard I started to choke on my spit.
She grabbed a box and tapped a finger on it. “Take some SAM Splints in case you get a broken bone. Burn sheets. Do you have a pulse ox? Blood pressure cuff?”
“No.”
“I’ll get you one. And get a nitroglycerin case. You’re gonna need some aspirin, Benadryl, anti-nausea pills, epinephrine, atropine—this is fun! It’s like apocalypse prepping.”
I laughed. “They don’t have a clinic out there. From what Daniel tells me they don’t drive into town until something is literally falling off their body.”
“No wonder they’re hitting you up when you’re over there.”
I nodded my head at the shelves. “Yeah. I just figure if it’s going to keep happening, I should probably have stuff in the car.”
“So you’re still going down there, huh?” I shrugged, looking at the gauze. “Yeah.”
My cell phone vibrated, and I pulled it out of my pocket. Daniel. A picture of a duck and the caption Duck Norris. I laughed. He must be at Doug’s.
“Was that him?” she asked. I smiled up at her. “Yeah.” “What’s he texting you?”
I gave a one-shoulder shrug. Then my phone pinged again, and a selfie of him holding Chloe came through.
My heart melted.
His hazel eyes were twinkling. He had on a gray T-shirt and a radiant smile. Chloe was nibbling his beard. I had to clutch a hand over my chest.
I could almost smell his fresh scent through the screen. I could picture wrapping my arms around him and nuzzling his Adam’s apple, and he’d hug me in that warm, easy way he had. Heat dropped to my core just thinking about it.
I saved the photo to an album called Daniel, and I had the most peculiar urge to make the picture my screensaver.
“What?” she asked, watching me.
“Nothing,” I said, smiling.
Bri shook her head at me. “Oh, my God…you’re falling for him.” My head jerked up at her. “What? No.”
She crossed her arms. “You so are.”
“No. No, it’s just a fling.” I waved her off. “Like hell it is.”
I put my phone to my chest. “I am not falling for him. It is a sex thing.” “A sex thing is a sex thing. You don’t text him and smile all giddy over
your phone. You have the sex and you leave and then you don’t text him again until you need to see if his penis is available. What’s he sending you? Is it a dick pic? Because if it isn’t a dick pic, then you’re off topic.”
“What, we can’t talk about anything else that isn’t sex related?” She put her hand out. “Let me see your phone.”
“What? No!”
“Alexis, let me see your phone.”
We had a silent standoff. Then I smacked it into her hand. She stood there, looking at it. She arched an eyebrow at me. “This is him?”
“Yeah.”
She groaned. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
I started chewing my thumb. “What?”
She glanced at me. “He’s cute,” she said, like this was a disappointment. “Yeah. So.”
“So cute isn’t good. You get attached to cute.”
She scrolled on and then looked up and pinned me with a stare. “This is a duck pic.”
“And?”
“Where are the dick pics?”
I crossed my arms. “He doesn’t send me those. And if he did, I wouldn’t let you see them.”
She thumbed to my call log, and her eyes narrowed at my screen. “You talked to him for three hours last night? On the phone?!”
I snatched my cell. “Give me that back.”
She put her hands on her hips. “You like him. You are dating him.”
“It takes two hours to get to Wakan,” I said defensively. “When I go down there, we have to do other stuff. It can’t just be all sex.”
She gawked at me. “You are standing here, lying to your best friend—I have known you for ten years. It is all over your damn face.” She waved a hand in front of my nose. “You’re packing a trauma kit for the car because that’s how much time you plan to spend there, and you’re trying to tell me this is just a sex thing?”
I went back to looking at bandages so I wouldn’t have to look at her. “Maybe I do like him. A little.” I shrugged. “He’s sweet.”
And generous, and funny, and attentive…
She was shaking her head at the side of my face. “You know this can’t be a thing, right? Your dad would disown you.”
I scoffed. “He’s ready to disown me anyway for not getting back with Neil. You know what Neil did last week?” I looked at her. “He turned off the power before he left for work.”
“He did what?”
“Yeah. I thought it was a power outage.”
“Why the hell did he do that? Just to be a dick?”
“Yup. He probably thought I’d call and ask him for help. It’s this super passive aggressive ‘you need me’ thing. He’s pissed because he thought we were going to talk the other day and I went to Daniel’s instead. He texted me all night, asking where I was. It was like this roller-coaster ride of him
getting all pissed off because I didn’t show, and then a series of apologies and then he was pissed off again because I didn’t reply. He’s been sulking around all grouchy. Slamming doors and—” I rubbed my eyebrow. “I cannot wait for this to be over.”
“Does Neil know about Daniel?”
I shook my head. “No. Hell no. I tell him I’m at your house.”
“Good. He’s too shady to know what you’re up to. Don’t ever let him know. If this asshat turns the power off just to get your attention I don’t even wanna know what he’d do to your fuck buddy. Does Daniel know about him?”
“He knows enough.” “And what does he say?”
I shrugged, picking up an oxygen canister. “We don’t really talk about it. I don’t need to bring Neil with me to Wakan. I go there to not think about him.” I rolled my eyes. “You know Neil made me a quiche the other day—”
“Ewwww, did you eat it?”
“No. No way.” I made a face. “But he left it there in the kitchen. It’s growing mold.”
“Uh, so throw it away?”
“He put it there, he can throw it away.” I set the oxygen canister down with a clink. “I can’t stand being home with him. That’s why I go to Daniel’s a lot. It just gets me out of the house. I’m not falling for him.”
She looked unconvinced. “Uh-huh.”
“What? I know this can’t go anywhere.”
She cocked her head. “Well, maybe you should stop it then.” I blinked at her. “What?”
“Stop seeing him.”
I paused for a moment. “Why?”
“Because I know you, Ali. And no matter what you’re telling yourself, I see what’s happening. You’re just setting yourself up to be hurt. You’re setting him up to be hurt.”
“I’ve already told him I don’t want a boyfriend. He’s okay with it. We’re just having fun.”
She looked almost sorry for me. “Ali, I know Neil messed you up, so this is hard for you to believe, but you are an amazing woman. And there’s no way this guy can’t have feelings for you, because he’s going to see that. So either you’re gonna tell your family and Royaume Northwestern to go screw themselves while you move to the middle of nowhere to be with him, or you’re going to get your heart broken.”
I paused. “I’m not moving. I can’t.” “Can he move here?” she asked.
I shook my head. “His whole life is that town. And he’s trying to buy his family’s house.”
She nodded. “Okay. So let’s talk through this. This dating goes on. You two fall in love. He can’t move here, and even if he did, your dad would never accept him, and your mom never disagrees with your dad. Derek would have been nice to him, but he’s not here. Neil would take a jab at him every chance he gets. You think Gabby and Jessica and their uptight husbands are gonna welcome him into the fold? They’re not. So he stays where he is, and you, what? See him once a week for the rest of your life? You can’t live with him. Can’t commute four hours a day, can’t change hospitals. So what happens when he wants to get married? Or have kids? You gonna do that with him? What’s the plan?”
I licked my lips. “I don’t know.”
She nodded. “Right. You don’t know. See, this is what I mean. You keep seeing him and you’re gonna end up more messed up than after Neil. This
was supposed to be a fling. No feelings. You hooked up with this guy because he was someone you couldn’t catch feelings for. And now you are, and you need to call it off before you can’t anymore.”
I swallowed. The thought of breaking things off with Daniel felt…it felt like the only thing that was making me happy was about to end.
But I guess it didn’t matter, because I wasn’t going to have time for him much longer. Because this morning I’d officially put in my bid for the chief position.
I sighed. “It’s going to have to end soon anyway. I’m running for chief.” “Seriously?”
“Gibson is leaving in August. It hasn’t been announced yet, Dad told me.”
She grinned. “That’s awesome! You get to be my boss! I’ll get all the days off I want!”
I laughed a little.
“Man, you’d be perfect for that job,” she said. “That’s a lot of work though.”
“I know. But I’m excited. I think it’s going to be good for me. I’ll have more influence with the board. I can get more done.”
“Your dad might finally shut up.” I snorted. “God, I hope so.”
That alone might actually make it worth it.
I was in a down mood after work. Neil made it a point to slink around the ER. I ignored him. But most of all, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Bri said, that I should break it off with Daniel.
The truth was, I think I was starting to get attached to him. And not just in a sexual way.
I had too many thoughts about this. None of them good.
Even if the distance and the age gap and social canyon weren’t a thing, was it smart to nose-dive into another relationship three months after the last one? Aren’t you supposed to be single for a while after a breakup? Find yourself or something? What would it say about me if I jumped right into another serious relationship? That I was codependent? Couldn’t be alone?
Maybe I should be alone.
I was in no position to be with someone right now.
Bri was right. If I was getting attached, I probably should cut the cord now.
But the thought of doing it made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.
The idea of not seeing Daniel ever again was so upsetting, I couldn’t even think about it. Which only made me feel panicky because it made me more sure that I was actually attached to him, which sent me down a rabbit hole of wondering if he was attached to me.
I mean, he wanted me to be his girlfriend. But was that attachment? Was it feelings? Or did he just not want us to have sex with anyone else?
Part of me hoped he wasn’t attached. Why have us both get hurt when it ended?
But the other part of me hoped he liked me back. The other part of me was desperate for him to like me back. Because the only thing more terrifying than never seeing him again was for this to be one-sided.
Oh, my God. I was falling for him. I was. I totally was.
UGH.
I didn’t have time to think about this. I had dinner with my parents tonight, and my brain could only deal with so much. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Dad. The only good thing about it was I would get to tell him about the chief position and maybe he’d lay off me a little after.
I took a shower and was sitting at my vanity doing my makeup when the phone rang. Daniel.
“Hey,” I said, smiling. “What are you doing?”
“Sitting in a robe in my bathroom getting ready for dinner with my parents.”
“Soooooo you’re naked?” I heard him grin. “I have a robe on.”
“Soooo you’re naked under the robe?” I smiled. “Yeeees.”
“Send me a picture.”
I arched an eyebrow. “You want a picture?” “Yeah, why not?”
I grinned and got up and went over to the bed. “I’ll send you one if you send me one,” I said, sliding onto the mattress.
“I’m not really in a place to take a picture right now,” he said. “Send me one later.”
“Okay. And what kind of picture do you want? I’m going to need to hear you say the words ‘send me a dick pic, Daniel’ for consent reasons.”
I laughed. “Send me a dick pic.” “One dick pic, coming up.”
“Awwww, just one?”
I could tell he was smiling.
“Do you want to tell me what kind of pictures you want?” I asked. “For consent reasons?”
“With you I consent to everything.” I snorted.
“You know, for the record, I wish I was there and didn’t need the picture at all…” he said.
I gave the phone a wry grin. “And what would you do to me if you were here?”
“Hmmmm. Let’s see,” he said, his voice low. “First I’d push you down on the bed. Then I’d slide over you and kiss you from your neck up.”
I made a low moan in my throat. “I like that…”
“I’d take my hand and press it to your cheek and look you in the eye. Then I’d tell you that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. That I think you’re brilliant and kind and that seeing you is the highlight of my entire week. That when you’re on your way, I’m already dreading you leaving and when I’m with you I’m happy.”
I blinked into the bedroom. I couldn’t breathe. “Daniel…” “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I know that’s not foreplay.”
I shook my head. “Yes,” I said quietly. “It is.”
I could tell he was smiling. “Gotta go. Need to put out appetizers.” He paused. “I miss you.”
It punched me in the heart. He’d never said that to me before. This was another level, unlocked.
There was I miss you. I love you. Boyfriend, girlfriend, meet the family, live together, engaged.
Married…
But we’d never reach most of those levels. We’d never even come close.
I couldn’t even picture his truck parked in the driveway of my house. My homeowners’ association would probably give me a ticket.
For the first time in my life, I was in a situation where I knew I was making a terrible mistake. I was careening toward certain death at terminal velocity. But I couldn’t not do it. I knew continuing this thing with Daniel was pointless. There was no happy ending here. But I missed him. He missed me. And I wanted him to know it. At least tonight.
“I miss you too.”
