Chapter no 34

Out on a Limb

S

 

tunned, I look around Sarahโ€™s backyard.

โ€œWin!โ€ Sarah says, bounding over in her bright pink dress. โ€œSurprise!โ€

I donโ€™t respond.ย Canโ€™tย respond just yet. Boโ€™s got his hand on the small of my back, but other than that, I feel completely untethered to the earth as I take in the view. Itโ€™sย soย beautiful.

Thereโ€™s one long table for no more than twenty people thatโ€™s covered with wildflowers and light green tablecloths. Thereโ€™s a clothing line of linen baby onesies and a pale green balloon arch over a table of food and drinks. A mostly empty table with one wrapped gift placed on top.

โ€œSarah, Iโ€”โ€

โ€œBefore you say anything, you should know I wanted to goย wayย bigger than this and dialled it back. So if you say itโ€™s too much, I will pounce on you.โ€

โ€œI love it,โ€ I say, admiring my best friend with tear-filled eyes. โ€œI was going to say that I love it. Thank you. Itโ€™s perfect.โ€

โ€œReally?โ€ Her smile is proud, if a little uncertain. โ€œThat easy?โ€

I nod, smiling wide. โ€œItโ€™s beautiful, Sar,โ€ I say, pulling her into a hug. โ€œThank you,โ€ I whisper over her shoulder.

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t just me, you know,โ€ Sarah says before we step away. She looks at Bo with one raised brow, then back to me.

I play along, looking up at him with narrowed eyes. โ€œDid you know about this?โ€ I ask, trying not to break a smile.

โ€œGuilty,โ€ Bo says, raising his hands up in the air, looking sheepishly at Sarah.

โ€œHe did the party favours,โ€ Sarah says, picking one up and handing it to me.

Fredโ€™s Flowers, Boโ€™s handwriting reads on a small white box. I turn it over in my hand. โ€œYou made these?โ€ I ask him,ย actuallyย surprised.

He shrugs, smiling coyly. โ€œI wanted a pirate theme, but Sarah said no.โ€

โ€œI didnโ€™t think youโ€™d want to explainย thatย particular inside joke over and over,โ€ she says, smirking. โ€œPlus, I gave himย oneย pirate thing,โ€ Sarah says, pointing toward the gift table with letter blocks that spell out โ€œahoy there, baby.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s amazing.โ€ I say, smiling between them. โ€œSeriously, it is exactly what I would have chosen. Thank you.โ€

โ€œWe make a good team,โ€ Sarah says, pushing Boโ€™s shoulder. โ€œItโ€™s because I do as Iโ€™m told,โ€ Bo whispers into my ear.

โ€œYeah, youโ€™re a very good boy,โ€ I whisper back, patting his cheek. The afternoon passed in a sweet, bustling, tender blur.

The guests arrived slowly a little after twelve. My mother took charge of greeting them and guiding them toward the backyard, proudly introducing herself as Grandma June time and time again. All of Boโ€™s friends, who I

hope have also become mine, mingled nicely with a few friends of mine from Westcliff and my ex-coworkers from the cafรฉ that Sarah and Bo managed to track down. Henry and his parents, Tonya and James, came too

โ€”and Henry got a big kick out of being the only kid at the party. Sarah made beautiful cupcakes, each decorated to look like a different flower. And Caleb did what Caleb does best, helping wherever needed most. Which was conveniently near the food table, alongside Bo, most of the afternoon.

I managed to only blush half a dozen times while Bo and I opened gifts. And it was truly, genuinely lovely. To feel all the love for a baby theyโ€™ve yet to meet. Who, as Bo said during his speech, wasย suchย a welcome and needed surprise.

As the afternoon sun faded to a chilly spring evening, the few of us left standing took the party inside, not wanting the day to end. We called Boโ€™s dad to show him how much he was missed and introduce him to my mom. My mother hogged the phone for a while as she sat cosied up on the couch with Sarah. Naturally, she made one too many jokes about them both being hot, single grandparents. Or GILFs, as she called them, much to Sarahโ€™s amusement.

Eventually, Bo and I said our goodbyes, packed up our car with an absolutelyย absurdย number of presents, and drove home aloneโ€”my mother insisting sheโ€™d rather stay at Sarahโ€™s. I, admittedly, was relieved. Iโ€™m so glad my mom is here, but Iโ€™m learning that she and I do best in little doses.

โ€œDid you have a good time?โ€ Bo asks, his hand on my thigh as we turn onto our street.

โ€œIย really,ย really did,” I say, turning to smile at him. โ€œDid you?โ€ โ€œYeah,โ€ he says, pulling the car into the driveway. โ€œI did.โ€

โ€œI have a present for you,โ€ I say proudly. โ€œI thought it would blow my cover if I brought it with us, but I wanted you to have something too.โ€

โ€œI actually have something for you too,โ€ Bo says, turning off the car. โ€œI bet mine is better,โ€ I tease, taking off my seatbelt.

Bo smirks, shaking his head as he gets out of the car and walks over to my door, helping me out. We walk hand in hand up the driveway and into the house.

Bo watches me, soft eyes but serious smile, as I take off my shoes and drop onto the couch.

โ€œWhat?โ€ I ask, my eyes narrowing on him.

โ€œYou,โ€ he says, admiring me thoughtfully. โ€œWill itย everย stop?โ€ he asks slowly.

โ€œWhat?โ€ I say, placing my hands on my belly. โ€œGrowing?โ€ I laugh, falling backward. โ€œI donโ€™t see how Iย couldย get any bigger.โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he says, stopping next to the couch. He lifts my feet, sits down, then drops them onto his lap. โ€œNot that.โ€

โ€œThen what?โ€ I ask.

โ€œWanting you this much.โ€

I raise a brow. โ€œDo youย wantย it to stop?โ€

He shakes his head before pressing his ear to my belly. I bring one hand up and brush over his hair lovingly. โ€œThen I donโ€™t think it will.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s tiring,โ€ he says, lips squished against my bump. โ€œAh, well, so sorry,โ€ I laugh out.

โ€œNo, I donโ€™t mean it like that. I mean that it feels like my heart is on the outside of my body,โ€ he says, his voice low. โ€œAnd I miss you so much, even when youโ€™re just a few feet away. I think about you every second of the day

and struggle to think of much else. I meant what I said that first night. You

areย maddening.โ€

I run my fingers through his hair, letting it fall against the back of my knuckles. โ€œI know. I feel it too. But itโ€™s also kind of wonderful, right?โ€

He sits up after pressing a kiss to my belly, then reaches under the coffee table for a box. Itโ€™s the size of a shoebox but wooden with a dark grain and golden clasp.

โ€œWhatโ€™s this?โ€ I ask, sitting up eagerly, twisting to place my feet on the floor.

โ€œItโ€™sโ€ฆ well, I suppose, itโ€™s us,โ€ he says, handing it to me. โ€œSo far.โ€ I hold it in my lap, tracing the wood with my eyes and palm.

โ€œWhen you first told me about the baby, I started thinking a lot more about my mom. Though I didnโ€™t have much in terms of memories, my dad had all theseโ€ฆ remnants of her. He kept everything. So every time I needed a piece of my mom, I knew I could go to him, and heโ€™d show me something new.โ€ Bo turns, placing his knee on the couch to face me. โ€œHe had this box under his bed filled with photos, jewellery. Things as insignificant as buttons that had fallen off her coat or pennies sheโ€™d picked up off the street. All of Momโ€™s notebooks filled with music sheโ€™d writtenโ€ฆjournals, notes, lettersโ€ฆโ€ Bo says, looking toward the dining room over my shoulder.

I reach out my right hand, putting it on his knee and squeezing as best I can.

Bo smiles wistfully, taking a deep inhale, his eyes turning back toward me. โ€œAnd through those things, through those little pieces of her, I learned that her story wasnโ€™t just how it ended. I learned about her life. I saw all those scraps of her Dad kept and realised how deeply they had loved each other.โ€ He swallows, licking his lips. โ€œI wanted our baby to have that too.

Even ifย weย werenโ€™t in love. Even if the baby was unexpectedโ€ฆ I wanted them to have something they could hold on to. Tangible memories. Something that meant ifย oneย of usโ€ฆโ€ he says, his chin folding down and his voice wobbling. โ€œIfย Iย got sick again andโ€ฆโ€

I put my hand on his cheek, brushing gently along the line of his beard with my thumb. โ€œYouโ€™re not going anywhere,โ€ I say adamantly, nodding my head so he does the same.

He smiles, tilting his lips toward my hand. โ€œI know. Iโ€™m not allowed.โ€ โ€œDamn right,โ€ I whisper, my voice wavering.

โ€œAnyway, I wanted them to have this,โ€ Bo says, pointing to the fastener of the box. โ€œBut now, I think I want you to see it too. Becauseโ€ฆ I always wondered if my momย knewย Dadโ€™d kept these things. That heโ€™d been so madly in love with her, that she was memorialized before she was even gone.โ€

I unhook the latch and open the box, revealing the treasure trove of items inside.

โ€œItโ€™s mostly just junkโ€ฆโ€ Bo says, rubbing the back of his neck as I pull out a receipt and read it over.

โ€œFromโ€ฆ from the cafรฉ on Cosgrove?โ€ I ask. โ€œThe day you told me about them.โ€

I reach in, pulling out a mason jar of stones and turquoise sea glass. โ€œFrom our walks to the beach,โ€ Bo says.

I laugh, tears springing free as I pull out the photo of us from that first ultrasoundโ€”my dazed, confused smile in hilarious contrast next to Boโ€™s bright enthusiasm in the lobby of the medical building. Underneath it is a photo of me, one that I didnโ€™t know heโ€™d taken. Iโ€™m gardening in the

backyard, dirt across my face and tummy sticking out from under my T- shirt. It had to have been less than a week ago.

โ€œAnd this?โ€ I say, laughing as I hold up a small, rectangular piece of plastic.

โ€œI may have taken someย Catanย piecesโ€ฆ from that first game night,โ€ Bo says, shrugging one shoulder. โ€œDonโ€™t tell Sarah.โ€

I pull out theย father-to-beย book Sarah gave him, now annotated with notes in the margins and flagged pages with bright pink tabs. I flick through it, realising that heโ€™s left notes to the baby amongst the pages. Telling them how excited he is for every stage. How much he canโ€™t wait to meet them.ย Your mom is doing such a good job at growing you,ย I read.ย Sheโ€™s going to be an incredible mom.

Every little item I pull out next fills my heart more and more. The pack of twenty questions, with short forms of our answers written on the back of each card. His copies of the ultrasound photos, scrap pieces of paper, more candid photos of meโ€”my bump going from unnoticeable to overflowing.

โ€œThis is a beautiful gift, Bo,โ€ I say, wiping my tears. I move the box to the couch beside me and wrap my arms around him. โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ I whisper, crying. โ€œI only made you socks.โ€

โ€œI love socks.โ€

โ€œI love you,โ€ I say.

โ€œThereโ€™s one more thing that I took out.โ€

โ€œHmm?โ€ I ask, leaning back as I wipe my tears away.

โ€œRemember on the first day, I told you I hid something so that you wouldnโ€™t find it while snooping?โ€ He reaches into the side of the couch. โ€œI stashed it here earlier, for the record. This isnโ€™t where I hid it.โ€

โ€œSo mysteriousโ€ฆโ€ I say, my smile faltering into confusion as he pulls outโ€ฆย oh.

โ€œThis I canโ€™t explain,โ€ he says, holding out the red bandanna I lost on Halloween. โ€œThis I kept before I knewย anythingย about the baby. Before I knew how much I was going to love you. Because, clearly, some part of me already did.โ€

I cover my mouth, looking down at his hand, clasped tightly around the bandanna as my brain catches up with my soaring heart.

โ€œI think I knew that I needed a piece ofย youย to hold on to. I was walking out of that room and I saw this on the chair next to the door andโ€ฆ I donโ€™t know. I just needed to take a part of that night with me.โ€

โ€œButโ€ฆ but you left.โ€

โ€œYou said you wantedย casual, Win.โ€

โ€œYou really need to stop listening to me,โ€ I say, tears springing free

again.

โ€œNoted,โ€ Bo says, smirking. He takes a long breath, steadier this time, as he searches my eyes. โ€œEvery day forย weeksย afterward, I thought about you. I thought about your smile. Your laugh. Your eyesโ€ฆ your mouth. I came close to asking Caleb for your number, but I was scared. I was scared after everything with Cora, with my cancerโ€ฆ with all of it, that I wasnโ€™t enough. That I wouldnโ€™t be enough to get you from casual to more.โ€

I shake my head,ย refusingย to accept that he ever felt that way, wishing Iโ€™d known, and place my hand in his, squeezing tightly.

โ€œThen, on one random day in December, you texted me. I felt like Iโ€™d won the lottery.โ€

I laugh, rolling my eyes, as Bo brings my hand to his mouth and kisses my wrist.

โ€œEver since then, Iโ€™ve fallen deeper and deeper in love with you. Your heart, your kindness, your strength, your joy, your selflessness.โ€ He reaches around me, dropping the bandanna back into the box along with the rest of our beautiful, if unconventional story.

โ€œBo, Iโ€ฆโ€

He turns, reaching into the couch again, smiling mischievously. โ€œOne more thingโ€ฆโ€

โ€œIโ€™m searching the couch from now on,โ€ I say, wiping a tear off my cheek. โ€œYouโ€™ll have to find a new hiding spot.โ€

He turns back around, his palm covering something heโ€™s placed in his lap. Something, I suspect, thatโ€™s shiny and in a smaller box than the one sitting next to me. I put a hand on my stomach involuntarily, feeling the baby kick with the quickened rhythm of my heart.

โ€œBo,โ€ I choke out.

โ€œYou are my soulโ€™s purpose, Win. To know you, to love you, to build a family with you, to spend every day taking care of you, to watch you shine and get all the good things you deserve out of this life.โ€ Bo ducks his head and reveals the small leather box in his hands, opening it to show me the most stunning, simple gold band.

โ€œYes,โ€ I say involuntarily, looking up to him. โ€œYes,โ€ I repeat. He chuckles lightly, shaking his head. โ€œCan I ask first?โ€

โ€œOh, yes. Sorry.โ€ I wave him on, smiling as tears roll over the corners of my upturned lips.

โ€œWinnifred June McNulty, love of my life and mother of my child, will youย pleaseย marry me?โ€

โ€œI will,โ€ I say, throwing myself at him. โ€œI will, and Iย willย be proposing back to you.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s only fair,โ€ Bo says, his lips trembling against my own.

โ€œItโ€™s beautiful,โ€ I say, kissing him sloppily as he attempts to slip the ring on my finger. โ€œBut itโ€™s far too small, honey. Iโ€™mย veryย pregnant.โ€

โ€œWeโ€™ll get it resized when we put a stone on it,โ€ he says, holding it out to me.

I slide the ring onto the ring finger on my right hand, which itโ€™sย farย too big for.

โ€œIt was my momโ€™s,โ€ Bo says, bringing my right hand between us, twiddling it with his thumb. โ€œI hope thatโ€™s okay.โ€

โ€œAbsolutely,โ€ I say, punctuated by a kiss. โ€œI wouldnโ€™t want it any other way.โ€

For the rest of the night, I wear the ring on my smaller thumb, refusing to take it off. We eat leftover food from the baby shower in our pyjamas and dance to Frank Sinatra in the dining room afterward, my belly poking out between us.

All evening I look around the house, look at my fiancรฉ, look at my belly, smiling with so much gratitude itโ€™s quite nearly painful. Thinking that I cannot wait for whatever comes next. Howย capableย I feel to face it all with Bo at my side.

August Durand was born at 11:56pm on July thirty-first, only four minutes shy of her namesake. Her mother decided on the middle name Sarah, and her father decided that heโ€™d never witnessed anything as formidable as his wife-to-be during labour. It was a short but intense deliveryโ€”having barely made it to the hospital in timeโ€”but they held hands through it all and welcomed their daughter with tears streaking down their smile-risen cheeks.

As a matter of fact, the new parents cried far more than little August as the nurses placed her across her motherโ€™s chest for the very first time. They lay side by side, curled around one another inside the narrow hospital bed, and looked down at their daughter with aweโ€”completely enraptured by every perfect piece of her. Her cute, if a little purple, feet. Her tiny, adorable

hands that they couldnโ€™t stop reaching for. Her bald head and dark eyes, leaving them guessing at who sheโ€™ll most resemble. They speculated aloud to one another in those first few moments that no baby had been or will ever be as wise as August. They watched her as she seemingly took in her surroundings, her eyes opened wide and surprisingly aware as she lifted her head with muscles that shocked even the nurses.ย Sheโ€™s smart like her father, her mother said quietly.ย Sheโ€™s strong like her mother, her father said loudly to anyone who would listen.ย We love you, they whispered to her over and over and over again.ย Thank you, her father added, kissing her mother.ย I did it, her mother whispered, kissing him back.

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