“WHY DID you think this was a good idea?” Luca sits on the front bench of the kayak, rowing us deeper into the ocean as if we’re racing against another boat.
Except there’s no one else out here.
My back is tired from trying to keep up with his swift pace. “This is fun!” I yell.
Confessing my feelings about Lily to my uptight brother, right in the middle of open water, may not have been my best-laid plan ever. But there’s no way he’d litter the ocean with my strangled body when he’s the CEO of an ocean conservation firm.
Right?
“We couldn’t each have our own kayak?” Luca complains.
“Much more fun than kayaking alone.” My biceps burn, and I regret not going to the resort spa with Lily and Avery instead.
Although, the lavender incident may keep me off skincare for a bit longer.
“Just admit you missed me, bro.” I use one of the paddles to send a splash of water at him.
“Missed you? Look, I don’t want this to come off harsh, but I just married the love of my life, and now we’re expecting a child. I’ve barely had time to think about anything else.”
There’s no use trying to argue.
After a few more rounds of paddling through the water and a painfully heavy silence crushing me in my seat, it’s time to rip off the Band-Aid.
“I’m moving back to New York.”
The ferocious rowing stops.
Luca doesn’t turn to face me. Instead, he sits perfectly still until he clears his throat. “Does that decision have anything to do with a certain woman named Lily?”
Duh.
After last night’s kiss and, well, this entire summer, there’s no use denying Lily and I are a hell of a lot more than friends. I don’t need Luca’s approval to pursue her, but I want it. I need him to understand this matters to me in so many more ways than a random hookup or a finicky relationship ever did.
I’m not eighteen anymore.
I’m not the irresponsible little brother who fucks everything up.
Say that. Instead, I tell him, “Well, I’m about to be an uncle, and I don’t want to miss little Nicky’s first steps.”
“Little Nicky?”
“It’s a perfect name for all genders.”
“Can you stop fucking around for a second and explain what’s actually going on between you and Lily?” Luca turns his torso to face me. “Nico, we’re starting a family, which means both of you are going to be involved. If things get weird—”
“I love her.”
There.
A word so small, just four little letters, which barely scratches the surface of what I feel for Lily Rodin.
Luca’s paddle comes out of nowhere and collides with my arm.
The entire kayak flips over in a flash, tossing us into the water. We quickly breach the surface, each of us grasping onto the hull for support.
“At least the water isn’t freezing,” I suggest trying to break the tension. “You love Lily? How?”
I don’t know what to say. “It just happened.”
“No.” We work to flip the kayak right side up. “How do you know you love her?”
“I—I just do. I’ve never been in love before, but I’m pretty sure what I’m feeling is exactly what Mami and Papi have, and you and Ave.” We float in the water for a few moments, and my brother’s eyes sear into me. And I’m not sure if I should take it as a sign to keep explaining the things I’ve never said out loud before. “I don’t ever want to be away from her.
Somehow, I feel happier making Lily smile than at any other time in my life, and apart from all that, she lets me be entirely myself.”
“Have you told her any of this?”
“Sort of.” I lean my head on the kayak for a moment. “She keeps insisting she doesn’t want a relationship.”
“Has she told you why?”
“Because I live in California, don’t stay in one place too long, sometimes forget to charge my phone and disregard our plans.”
Although the last two haven’t happened in a couple of weeks. I’ve been consciously trying to be different for her and myself.
My brother’s stone exterior breaks for a moment, and a burst of kindness seeps into his face. “Anything more tangible?”
Not really.
As much as she has opened up, she’s also an expert at keeping me at arm’s length. The actual reason behind her phobia of commitment hasn’t yet come to light.
“I guess not.”
He frowns. “Have you asked why she hasn’t had a relationship in a decade?”
Is everyone aware of what happened in her last relationship except for me?
Luca takes my silence for an answer. “If Lily’s saying she doesn’t want a relationship, you should probably listen to her. Commitments take a lot of hard work, communication, and trust. It’s not all sex and long glances across the dinner table.”
That’s not at all how it feels with Lily. “She makes me want to be a better man, Luca. A man who works on the relationship and himself, no matter the obstacles.”
“Look, Nico.” He sighs the same way he does when a lecture is coming along. This time, I have no interest in tuning out. No way I’m fucking up the one thing that has made me feel at home. I need all the help I can get. “It only took Avery a few seconds to put together that you were under the bed on your first morning here. No matter how much you think you’re sneaking around in the mornings, we know. My wife’s already talking about the four of us raising our kids together.”
“Maybe we can,” I say hopefully. He sends a large splash of water into my face. “How did Ave fall in love with you? It’s surely not your
workaholic personality.”
Never thought I’d be asking my older robot brother for love advice, but here we are.
“Avery’s like wildfire. Something in her burns the way I do.” He tosses his head back, sending the wet clump of hair sticking to his forehead out of the way. “I’d trade anything to keep her alight, to make her smile or yell or, truly, anything at all as long as she wants to share it with me. I want nothing from her but to be around her.”
My breath seizes in my throat. “That’s how I feel about Lily.” It’s a love that feels both generous and all-consuming.
“Then, if you really do love her, little brother, the only thing you can do is show her. They’re both strongheaded and painfully independent, but it’s what makes them so rewarding to love. At the center of it all, something’s waiting for you that’s like nothing you’ve ever felt.”
I’ve never thought of Luca as any kind of romantic in the past, but here he is, a huge fucking softie. Avery really has made him a different person, and I can’t wait to never let him live this down.
“So, the only thing I can do is keep showing Lily how much I love her?”
“I don’t want to encourage something I’m against.” He sighs again, and I splash him. He shakes out his hair, the droplets hitting me. “But yeah, Nico, and maybe try telling her everything you told me. There’s a chance she’ll explain the part of herself she hasn’t shown you yet.”
“Do you know?”
“I don’t, and even if I did, it’s not for me to tell. Love’s not a game of telephone.”
We bob in the water before climbing back into the kayak and rowing ourselves to shore.
