โOKAY, WHEREโS YOUR CLUTCH?โ
I pointed to the lever on my left handlebar. Letting go of the grip was a mistake. The heavy bike wobbled underneath me, threatening to knock me sidewise. I grabbed the handle again, trying to hold it straight.
โJacob, it wonโt stay up,โ I complained.
โIt will when youโre moving,โ he promised. โNow whereโs your brake?โ โBehind my right foot.โ
โWrong.โ
He grabbed my right hand and curled my fingers around the lever over the throttle.
โBut you saidโโ
โThis is the brake you want. Donโt use the back brake now, thatโs for later, when you know what youโre doing.โ
โThat doesnโt sound right,โ I said suspiciously. โArenโt both brakes kind of important?โ
โForget the back brake, okay? Hereโโ He wrapped his hand around mine and made me squeeze the lever down. โThatย is how you brake. Donโt forget.โ He squeezed my hand another time.
โFine,โ I agreed. โThrottle?โ
I twisted the right grip. โGearshift?โ
I nudged it with my left calf.
โVery good. I think youโve got all the parts down. Now you just have to get it moving.โ
โUh-huh,โ I muttered, afraid to say more. My stomach was contorting strangely and I thought my voice might crack. I was terrified. I tried to tell myself that the fear was pointless. Iโd already lived through the worst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able to look death in the face and laugh.
My stomach wasnโt buying it.
I stared down the long stretch of dirt road, bordered by thick misty green on every side. The road was sandy and damp. Better than mud.
โI want you to hold down the clutch,โ Jacob instructed. I wrapped my fingers around the clutch.
โNow this is crucial, Bella,โ Jacob stressed. โDonโt let go of that, okay?
I want you to pretend that Iโve handed you a live grenade. The pin is out and you are holding down the spoon.โ
I squeezed tighter.
โGood. Do you think you can kick-start it?โ
โIf I move my foot, I will fall over,โ I told him through gritted teeth, my fingers tight around my live grenade.
โOkay, Iโll do it. Donโt let go of the clutch.โ
He took a step back, and then suddenly slammed his foot down on the pedal. There was a short ripping noise, and the force of his thrust rocked the bike. I started to fall sideways, but Jake caught the bike before it knocked me to the ground.
โSteady there,โ he encouraged. โDo you still have the clutch?โ โYes,โ I gasped.
โPlant your feetโIโm going to try again.โ But he put his hand on the back of the seat, too, just to be safe.
It took four more kicks before the ignition caught. I could feel the bike rumbling beneath me like an angry animal. I gripped the clutch until my fingers ached.
โTry out the throttle,โ he suggested. โVery lightly. And donโt let go of the clutch.โ
Hesitantly, I twisted the right handle. Though the movement was tiny, the bike snarled beneath me. It sounded angryย andย hungry now. Jacob smiled in deep satisfaction.
โDo you remember how to put it into first gear?โ he asked. โYes.โ
โWell, go ahead and do it.โ โOkay.โ
He waited for a few seconds. โLeft foot,โ he prompted.
โIย know,โ I said, taking a deep breath.
โAre you sure you want to do this?โ Jacob asked. โYou look scared.โ โIโm fine,โ I snapped. I kicked the gearshift down one notch.
โVery good,โ he praised me. โNow,ย veryย gently, ease up on the clutch.โ He took a step away from the bike.
โYou want me to let go of the grenade?โ I asked in disbelief. No wonder he was moving back.
โThatโs how you move, Bella. Just do it little by little.โ
As I began to loosen my grip, I was shocked to be interrupted by a voice that did not belong to the boy standing next to me.
โThis is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,โ the velvet voice fumed.
โOh!โ I gasped, and my hand fell off the clutch.
The bike bucked under me, yanking me forward and then collapsing to the ground half on top of me. The growling engine choked to a stop.
โBella?โ Jacob jerked the heavy bike off me with ease. โAre you hurt?โ But I wasnโt listening.
โI told you so,โ the perfect voice murmured, crystal clear. โBella?โ Jacob shook my shoulder.
โIโm fine,โ I mumbled, dazed.
More than fine. The voice in my head was back. It still rang in my ears
โsoft, velvety echoes.
My mind ran swiftly through the possibilities. There was no familiarity hereโon a road Iโd never seen, doing something Iโd never done beforeโno dรฉjร vu. So the hallucinations must be triggered by something else. I felt
the adrenaline coursing through my veins again, and I thought I had the answer. Some combination of adrenaline and danger, or maybe just stupidity.
Jacob was pulling me to my feet. โDid you hit your head?โ he asked.
โI donโt think so.โ I shook it back and forth, checking. โI didnโt hurt the bike, did I?โ This thought worried me. I was anxious to try again, right
away. Being reckless was paying off better than Iโd thought. Forget cheating. Maybe Iโd found a way to generate the hallucinationsโthat was much more important.
โNo. You just stalled the engine,โ Jacob said, interrupting my quick speculations. โYou let go of the clutch too fast.โ
I nodded. โLetโs try again.โ โAre you sure?โ Jacob asked. โPositive.โ
This time I tried to get the kick-start myself. It was complicated; I had to jump a little to slam down on the pedal with enough force, and every time I did that, the bike tried to knock me over. Jacobโs hand hovered over the handlebars, ready to catch me if I needed him.
It took several good tries, and even more poor tries,before the engine caught and roared to life under me. Remembering to hold on to the grenade, I revved the throttle experimentally. It snarled at the slightest touch. My smile mirrored Jacobโs now.
โEasy on the clutch,โ he reminded me.
โDo youย wantย to kill yourself, then? Is that what this is about?โ the other voice spoke again, his tone severe.
I smiled tightlyโit was still workingโand ignored the questions. Jacob wasnโt going to let anything serious happen to me.
โGo home to Charlie,โ the voice ordered. The sheer beauty of it amazed me. I couldnโt allow my memory to lose it, no matter the price.
โEase off slowly,โ Jacob encouraged me.
โI will,โ I said. It bothered me a bit when I realized I was answering both of them.
The voice in my head growled against the roar of the motorcycle.
Trying to focus this time, to not let the voice startle me again, I relaxed my hand by tiny degrees. Suddenly, the gear caught and wrenched me forward.
And I was flying.
There was wind that wasnโt there before, blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it. Iโd left my stomach back at the starting point; the adrenaline coursed through my body, tingling in my veins. The trees raced past me, blurring into a wall of green.
But this was only first gear. My foot itched toward the gearshift as I twisted for more gas.
โNo, Bella!โ the angry, honey-sweet voice ordered in my ear. โWatch what youโre doing!โ
It distracted me enough from the speed to realize that the road was starting a slow curve to the left, and I was still going straight. Jacob hadnโt told me how to turn.
โBrakes, brakes,โ I muttered to myself, and I instinctively slammed down with my right foot, like I would in my truck.
The bike was suddenly unstable underneath me, shivering first to one side and then the other. It was dragging me toward the green wall, and I was going too fast. I tried to turn the handlebar the other direction, and the sudden shift of my weight pushed the bike toward the ground, still spinning toward the trees.
The motorcycle landed on top of me again, roaring loudly, pulling me across the wet sand until it hit something stationary. I couldnโt see. My face was mashed into the moss. I tried to lift my head, but there was something in the way.
I was dizzy and confused. It sounded like there were three things snarlingโthe bike over me, the voice in my head, and something else….
โBella!โ Jacob yelled, and I heard the roar of the other bike cut off.
The motorcycle no longer pinned me to the ground, and I rolled over to breathe. All the growling went silent.
โWow,โ I murmured. I was thrilled. This had to be it, the recipe for a hallucinationโadrenaline plus danger plus stupidity. Something close to that, anyway.
โBella!โ Jacob was crouching over me anxiously. โBella, are you alive?โ
โIโm great!โ I enthused. I flexed my arms and legs. Everything seemed to be working correctly. โLetโs do it again.โ
โI donโt think so.โ Jacob still sounded worried. โI think Iโd better drive you to the hospital first.โ
โIโm fine.โ
โUm, Bella? Youโve got a huge cut on your forehead, and itโs gushing blood,โ he informed me.
I clapped my hand over my head. Sure enough, it was wet and sticky. I could smell nothing but the damp moss on my face, and that held off the nausea.
โOh, Iโm so sorry, Jacob.โ I pushed hard against the gash, as if I could force the blood back inside my head.
โWhy are you apologizing for bleeding?โ he wondered as he wrapped a long arm around my waist and pulled me to my feet. โLetโs go. Iโll drive.โ He held out his hand for the keys.
โWhat about the bikes?โ I asked, handing them over.
He thought for a second. โWait here. And take this.โ He pulled off his T- shirt, already spotted with blood, and threw it to me. I wadded it up and held it tightly to my forehead. I was starting to smell the blood; I breathed deeply through my mouth and tried to concentrate on something else.
Jacob jumped on the black motorcycle, kicked it to a start in one try, and raced back down the road, spraying sand and pebbles behind him. He looked athletic and professional as he leaned over the handlebars, head low, face forward, his shiny hair whipping against the russet skin of his back.
My eyes narrowed enviously. I was sure I hadnโt looked like that on my motorcycle.
I was surprised at how far Iโd gone. I could barely see Jacob in the distance when he finally got to the truck. He threw the bike into the bed and sprinted to the driverโs side.
I really didnโt feel bad at all as he coaxed my truck to a deafening roar in his hurry to get back to me. My head stung a little, and my stomach was uneasy, but the cut wasnโt serious. Head wounds just bled more than most. His urgency wasnโt necessary.
Jacob left the truck running as he raced back to me, wrapping his arm around my waist again.
โOkay, letโs get you in the truck.โ
โIโm honestly fine,โ I assured him as he helped me in. โDonโt get worked up. Itโs just a little blood.โ
โJust aย lotย of blood,โ I heard him mutter as he went back for my bike. โNow, letโs think about this for a second,โ I began when he got back in.
โIf you take me to the ER like this, Charlie is sure to hear about it.โ I glanced down at the sand and dirt caked into my jeans.
โBella, I think you need stitches. Iโm not going to let you bleed to death.โ
โI wonโt,โ I promised. โLetโs just take the bikes back first, and then weโll make a stop at my house so I can dispose of the evidence before we go to the hospital.โ
โWhat about Charlie?โ
โHe said he had to work today.โ โAre you really sure?โ
โTrust me. Iโm an easy bleeder. Itโs not nearly as dire as it looks.โ
Jacob wasnโt happyโhis full mouth turned down in an uncharacteristic frownโbut he didnโt want to get me in trouble. I stared out the window, holding his ruined shirt to my head, while he drove me to Forks.
The motorcycle was better than Iโd dreamed. It had served its original purpose. Iโd cheatedโbroken my promise. Iโd been needlessly reckless. I felt a little less pathetic now that the promises had been broken on both sides.
And then to discover the key to the hallucinations! At least, I hoped I had. I was going to test the theory as soon as possible. Maybe theyโd get through with me quickly in the ER, and I could try again tonight.
Racing down the road like that had been amazing. The feel of the wind in my face, the speed and the freedom…it reminded me of a past life, flying through the thick forest without a road, piggyback whileย heย ranโI stopped thinking right there, letting the memory break off in the sudden agony. I flinched.
โYou still okay?โ Jacob checked.
โYeah.โ I tried to sound as convincing as before.
โBy the way,โ he added. โIโm going to disconnect your foot brake tonight.โ
At home, I went to look at myself in the mirror first thing; it was pretty gruesome. Blood was drying in thick streaks across my cheek and neck, matting in my muddy hair. I examined myself clinically, pretending the blood was paint so it wouldnโt upset my stomach. I breathed through my mouth, and was fine.
I washed up as well as I could. Then I hid my dirty, bloody clothes in the bottom of my laundry basket, putting on new jeans and a button-up shirt
(that I didnโt have to pull over my head) as carefully as I could. I managed to do this one-handed and keep both garments blood-free.
โHurry up,โ Jacob called.
โOkay, okay,โ I shouted back. After making sure I left nothing incriminating behind me, I headed downstairs.
โHow do I look?โ I asked him. โBetter,โ he admitted.
โBut do I look like I tripped in your garage and hit my head on a hammer?โ
โSure, I guess so.โ โLetโs go then.โ
Jacob hurried me out the door, and insisted on driving again. We were halfway to the hospital when I realized he was still shirtless.
I frowned guiltily. โWe should have grabbed you a jacket.โ
โThat would have given us away,โ he teased. โBesides, itโs not cold.โ โAre you kidding?โ I shivered and reached out to turn the heat on.
I watched Jacob to see if he was just playing tough so I wouldnโt worry, but he looked comfortable enough. He had one arm over the back of my seat, though I was huddled up to keep warm.
Jacob really did look older than sixteenโnot quite forty, but maybe older than me. Quil didnโt have too much on him in the muscle department, for all that Jacob claimed to be a skeleton. The muscles were the long wiry kind, but they were definitely there under the smooth skin. His skin was such a pretty color, it made me jealous.
Jacob noticed my scrutiny.
โWhat?โ he asked, suddenly self-conscious.
โNothing. I just hadnโt realized before. Did you know, youโre sort of beautiful?โ
Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.
But Jacob just rolled his eyes. โYou hit your head pretty hard, didnโt you?โ
โIโm serious.โ
โWell, then, thanks. Sort of.โ
I grinned. โYouโre sort of welcome.โ
I had to have seven stitches to close the cut on my forehead. After the sting of the local anesthetic, there was no pain in the procedure. Jacob held my hand while Dr. Snow was sewing, and I tried not to think about why that was ironic.
We were at the hospital forever. By the time I was done, I had to drop Jacob off at his home and hurry back to cook dinner for Charlie. Charlie seemed to buy my story about falling in Jacobโs garage. After all, it wasnโt like I hadnโt been able to land myself in the ER before with no more help than my own feet.
This night was not as bad as that first night, after Iโd heard the perfect voice in Port Angeles. The hole came back, the way it always did when I was away from Jacob, but it didnโt throb so badly around the edges. I was already planning ahead, looking forward to more delusions, and that was a distraction. Also, I knew I would feel better tomorrow when I was with Jacob again. That made the empty hole and the familiar pain easier to bear; relief was in sight. The nightmare, too, had lost a little of its potency. I was horrified by the nothingness, as always, but I was also strangely impatient as I waited for the moment that would send me screaming into consciousness. I knew the nightmare had to end.
The next Wednesday, before I could get home from the ER, Dr. Gerandy called to warn my father that I might possibly have a concussion and advised him to wake me up every two hours through the night to make sure it wasnโt serious. Charlieโs eyes narrowed suspiciously at my weak explanation about tripping again.
โMaybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,โ he suggested that night during dinner.
I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasnโt giving it upโIโd had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minutes before Iโd hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree. Iโd take whatever pain that would cause me tonight without complaint.
โThis didnโt happen in the garage,โ I protested quickly. โWe were hiking, and I tripped over a rock.โ
โSince when do you hike?โ Charlie asked skeptically.
โWorking at Newtonโs was bound to rub off sometime,โ I pointed out. โSpend every day selling all the virtues of the outdoors, eventually you get curious.โ
Charlie glared at me, unconvinced.
โIโll be more careful,โ I promised, surreptitiously crossing my fingers under the table.
โI donโt mind you hiking right there around La Push, but keep close to town, okay?โ
โWhy?โ
โWell, weโve been getting a lot of wildlife complaints lately. The forestry department is going to check into it, but for the time being . . .โ
โOh, the big bear,โ I said with sudden comprehension. โYeah, some of the hikers coming through Newtonโs have seen it. Do you think thereโs really some giant mutated grizzly out there?โ
His forehead creased. โThereโs something. Keep it close to town, okay?โ
โSure, sure,โ I said quickly. He didnโt look completely appeased.
โCharlieโs getting nosy,โ I complained to Jacob when I picked him up after school Friday.
โMaybe we should cool it with the bikes.โ He saw my objecting expression and added, โAt least for a week or so. You could stay out of the hospital for a week, right?โ
โWhat are we going to do?โ I griped.
He smiled cheerfully. โWhat ever you want.โ
I thought about that for a minuteโabout what I wanted.
I hated the idea of losing even my brief seconds of closeness with the memories that didnโt hurtโthe ones that came on their own, without me thinking of them consciously. If I couldnโt have the bikes, I was going to have to find some other avenue to the danger and the adrenaline, and that was going to take serious thought and creativity. Doing nothing in the meantime was not appealing. Suppose I got depressed again, even with Jake? I had to keep occupied.
Maybe there was some other way, some other recipe… some other place.
The house had been a mistake, certainly. Butย hisย presence must be stamped somewhere, somewhere other than inside me. There had to be a place where he seemed more real than among all the familiar landmarks that were crowded with other human memories.
I could think of one place where that might hold true. One place that would always belong toย himย and no one else. A magic place, full of light. The beautiful meadow Iโd seen only once in my life, lit by sunshine and the sparkle of his skin.
This idea had a huge potential for backfiringโit might be dangerously painful. My chest ached with emptiness even to think of it. It was hard to hold myself upright, to not give myself away. But surely, there of all places, I could hear his voice. And Ialready told Charlie I was hiking….
โWhat are you thinking about so hard?โ Jacob asked.
โWell…,โ I began slowly. โI found this place in the forest onceโI came across it when I was, um, hiking. A little meadow, the most beautiful place. I donโt know if I could track it down again on my own. It would definitely take a few tries. โ
โWe could use a compass and a grid pattern,โ Jacob said with confident helpfulness. โDo you know where you started from?โ
โYes, just below the trailhead where the one-ten ends. I was going mostly south, I think.โ
โCool. Weโll find it.โ As always, Jacob was game for anything I wanted.
No matter how strange it was.
So, Saturday afternoon, I tied on my new hiking bootsโpurchased that morning using my twenty-percent-off employee discount for the first time
โgrabbed my new topographical map of the Olympic Peninsula, and drove to La Push.
We didnโt get started immediately; first, Jacob sprawled across the living room floorโtaking up the whole roomโand, for a full twenty minutes, drew a complicated web across the key section of the map while I perched on a kitchen chair and talked to Billy. Billy didnโt seem at all concerned about our proposed hiking trip. I was surprised that Jacob had told him where we were going, given the fuss people were making about the bear sightings. I wanted to ask Billy not to say anything about this to Charlie, but I was afraid that making the request would cause the opposite result.
โMaybe weโll see the super bear,โ Jacob joked, eyes on his design. I glanced at Billy swiftly, fearing a Charlie-style reaction.
But Billy just laughed at his son. โMaybe you should take a jar of honey, just in case.โ
Jake chuckled. โHope your new boots are fast, Bella. One little jar isnโt going to keep a hungry bear occupied for long.โ
โI only have to be faster than you.โ
โGood luck with that!โ Jacob said, rolling his eyes as he refolded the map. โLetโs go.โ
โHave fun,โ Billy rumbled, wheeling himself toward the refrigerator. Charlie was not a hard person to live with, but it looked to me like
Jacob had it even easier than I did.
I drove to the very end of the dirt road, stopping near the sign that marked the beginning of the trailhead. It had been a long time since Iโd been here, and my stomach reacted nervously. This might be a very bad thing. But it would be worth it, if I got to hearย him.
I got out and looked at the dense wall of green.
โI went this way,โ I murmured, pointing straight ahead. โHmm,โ Jake muttered.
โWhat?โ
He looked at the direction Iโd pointed, then at the clearly marked trail, and back.
โI would have figured you for a trail kind of girl.โ โNot me.โ I smiled bleakly. โIโm a rebel.โ
He laughed, and then pulled out our map.
โGive me a second.โ He held the compass in a skilled way, twisting the map around till it angled the way he wanted.
โOkayโfirst line on the grid. Letโs do it.โ
I could tell that I was slowing Jacob up, but he didnโt complain. I tried not to dwell on my last trip through this part of the forest, with a very different companion. Normal memories were still dangerous. If I let myself slip up, Iโd end up with my arms clutching my chest to hold it together, gasping for air, and how would I explain that to Jacob?
It wasnโt as hard as I would have thought to keep focused on the present. The forest looked a lot like any other part of the peninsula, and Jacob set a vastly different mood.
He whistled cheerfully, an unfamiliar tune, swinging his arms and moving easily through the rough undergrowth. The shadows didnโt seem as dark as usual. Not with my personal sun along.
Jacob checked the compass every few minutes, keeping us in a straight line with one of the radiating spokes of his grid. He really looked like he knew what he was doing. I was going to compliment him, but I caught myself. No doubt heโd add another few years to his inflated age.
My mind wandered as I walked, and I grew curious. I hadnโt forgotten the conversation weโd had by the sea cliffsโIโd been waiting for him to bring it up again, but it didnโt look like that was going to happen.
โHey…Jake?โ I asked hesitantly. โYeah?โ
โHow are things…with Embry? Is he back to normal yet?โ
Jacob was silent for a minute, still moving forward with long paces.
When he was about ten feet ahead, he stopped to wait for me.
โNo. Heโs not back to normal,โ Jacob said when I reached him, his mouth pulling down at the corners. He didnโt start walking again. I immediately regretted bringing it up.
โStill with Sam.โ โYup.โ
He put his arm around my shoulder, and he looked so troubled that I didnโt playfully shake it off, as I might have otherwise.
โAre they still looking at you funny?โ I half-whispered. Jacob stared through the trees. โSometimes.โ
โAnd Billy?โ
โAs helpful as ever,โ he said in a sour, angry voice that disturbed me. โOur couch is always open,โ I offered.
He laughed, breaking out of the unnatural gloom. โBut think of the position that would put Charlie inโwhen Billy calls the police to report my kidnapping.โ
I laughed too, glad to have Jacob back to normal.
We stopped when Jacob said weโd gone six miles, cut west for a short time, and headed back along another line of his grid. Everything looked exactly the same as the way in, and I had a feeling that my silly quest was pretty much doomed. I admitted as much when it started to get darker, the sunless day fading toward a starless night, but Jacob was more confident.
โAs long as youโre sure weโre starting from the right place . . .โ He glanced down at me.
โYes, Iโm sure.โ
โThen weโll find it,โ he promised, grabbing my hand and pulling me through a mass of ferns. On the other side was the truck. He gestured toward it proudly. โTrust me.โ
โYouโre good,โ I admitted. โNext time we bring flashlights, though.โ โWeโll save hiking for Sundays from now on. I didnโt know you were
that slow.โ
I yanked my hand back and stomped around to the driverโs side while he chuckled at my reaction.
โSo you up for another try tomorrow?โ he asked, sliding into the passenger seat.
โSure. Unless you want to go without me so I donโt tie you down to my gimpy pace.โ
โIโll survive,โ he assured me. โIf weโre hiking again, though, you might want to pick up some moleskin. I bet you can feel those new boots right now.โ
โA little,โ I confessed. It felt like I had more blisters than I had space to fit them.
โI hope we see the bear tomorrow. Iโm sort of disappointed about that.โ โYes, me, too,โ I agreed sarcastically. โMaybe weโll get lucky tomorrow
and something will eat us!โ
โBears donโt want to eat people. We donโt taste that good.โ He grinned at me in the dark cab. โOf course, youย mightย be an exception. I bet youโd taste good.โ
โThanks so much,โ I said, looking away. He wasnโt the first person to tell me that.