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Chapter no 23 – THE TRUTH

New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Book 2)

I HAD THE SENSE THAT Iโ€™D BEEN ASLEEP FOR A VERYlong timeโ€”

my body was stiff, like I hadnโ€™t moved once through all that time, either. My mind was dazed and slow; strange, colorful dreamsโ€”dreams and nightmaresโ€”swirled dizzily around the inside of my head. They were so vivid. The horrible and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble. There was sharp impatience and fear, both part of that frustrating dream where your feet canโ€™t move fast enough. And there were plenty of

monsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the more ghastly for their genteel civility. The dream was still strongโ€”I could even remember the names. But the strongest, clearest part of the dream was not the horror. It was the angel that wasย mostย clear.

It was hard to let him go and wake up. This dream did not want to be shoved away into the vault of dreams I refused to revisit. I struggled with it as my mind became more alert, focusing on reality. I couldnโ€™t remember what day of the week it was, but I was sure Jacob or school or work or something was waiting for me. I inhaled deeply, wondering how to face another day.

Something cold touched my forehead with the softest pressure.

I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut. I was still dreaming, it seemed, and it felt abnormally real. I was so close to waking. any second now, and

it would be gone.

But I realized that it felt too real, too real to be good for me. The stone arms I imagined wrapped around me were far too substantial. If I let this go any further, Iโ€™d be sorry for it later. With a resigned sigh, I wrenched back my eyelids to dispel the illusion.

โ€œOh!โ€ I gasped, and threw my fists over my eyes.

Well, clearly, Iโ€™d gone too far; it must have been a mistake to let my imagination get so out of hand. Okay, so โ€œletโ€ was the wrong word. Iโ€™dย forcedย it to get out of handโ€”pretty much stalked my hallucinationsโ€”and now my mind had snapped.

It took less than half a second for me to realize that, as long as I was truly insane now, I might as well enjoy the delusions while they were pleasant.

I opened my eyes againโ€”and Edward was still there, his perfect face just inches away from mine.

โ€œDid I frighten you?โ€ His low voice was anxious.

This was very good, as delusions went. The face, the voice, the scent, everythingโ€”it was so much better than drowning. The beautiful figment of my imagination watched my changing expressions with alarm. His irises were pitch-black, with bruise-like shadows under them. This surprised me; my hallucinatory Edwards were usually better fed.

I blinked twice, desperately trying to remember the last thing that I was sure was real. Alice was part of my dream, and I wondered if she had really come back at all, or if that was just the preamble. Iย thoughtย sheโ€™d returned the day Iโ€™d nearly drowned….

โ€œOh,ย crap,โ€ I croaked. My throat was thick with sleeping. โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong, Bella?โ€

I frowned at him unhappily. His face was even more anxious than before.

โ€œIโ€™m dead, right?โ€ I moaned. โ€œIย didย drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie.โ€

Edward frowned, too. โ€œYouโ€™re not dead.โ€

โ€œThen why am I not waking up?โ€ I challenged, raising my eyebrows. โ€œYouย areย awake, Bella.โ€

I shook my head. โ€œSure, sure. Thatโ€™s what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up.ย Ifย I wake up, which I wonโ€™t, because Iโ€™m dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renรฉe and Jake . . .โ€ I trailed off in horror at what I had done.

โ€œI can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare.โ€ His short- lived smile was grim. โ€œBut I canโ€™t imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?โ€

I grimaced. โ€œObviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldnโ€™t be with me.โ€

He sighed.

My head was getting clearer. My eyes flickered away from his faceโ€” unwillinglyโ€”for one second, to the dark, open window, and then back to him. I started to remember details…and I felt a faint, unfamiliar blush warm the skin over my cheekbones as I slowly realized that Edward was really, truly here with me, and I was wasting time being an idiot.

โ€œDid all of that really happen, then?โ€ It was almost impossible to reassign my dream as reality. I couldnโ€™t wrap my head around the concept.

โ€œThat depends.โ€ Edwardโ€™s smile was still hard. โ€œIf youโ€™re referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes.โ€

โ€œHow strange,โ€ I mused. โ€œI really went to Italy. Did you know Iโ€™d never been farther east than Albuquerque?โ€

He rolled his eyes. โ€œMaybe you should go back to sleep. Youโ€™re not coherent.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not tired anymore.โ€ It was all coming clear now. โ€œWhat time is it?

How long have I been sleeping?โ€

โ€œItโ€™s just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours.โ€ I stretched as he spoke. I was so stiff.

โ€œCharlie?โ€ I asked.

Edward frowned. โ€œSleeping. You should probably know that Iโ€™m breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window But, still, the

intent was clear.โ€

โ€œCharlie banned you from the house?โ€ I asked, disbelief quickly melting into fury.

His eyes were sad. โ€œDid you expect anything else?โ€

Myย eyes were mad. I was going to have a few words with my fatherโ€” perhaps it would be a good time to remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood. It didnโ€™t matter so much, of course, except in principle. All too soon there would be no reason for the prohibition. I turned my thoughts to less painful avenues.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the story?โ€ I asked, genuinely curious, but also trying desperately to keep the conversation casual, to keep a firm grip on myself, so I wouldnโ€™t scare him away with the frantic, gnawing craving that was raging inside me.

โ€œWhat do you mean?โ€

โ€œWhat am I telling Charlie? Whatโ€™s my excuse for disappearing for…how long was I gone, anyway?โ€ I tried to count the hours in my head.

โ€œJust three days.โ€ His eyes tightened, but he smiled more naturally this time. โ€œActually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. Iโ€™ve got nothing.โ€

I groaned. โ€œFabulous.โ€

โ€œWell, maybe Alice will come up with something,โ€ he offered, trying to comfort me.

And I was comforted. Who cared what I had to deal with later? Every second that he was hereโ€”so close, his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm clockโ€”was precious and not to be wasted.

โ€œSo,โ€ I began, picking the least importantโ€”though still vitally interestingโ€”question to start with. I was safely delivered home, and he might decide to leave at any moment. I had to keep him talking. Besides, this temporary heaven wasnโ€™t entirely complete without the sound of his voice. โ€œWhat have you been doing, up until three days ago?โ€

His face turned wary in an instant. โ€œNothing terribly exciting.โ€ โ€œOf course not,โ€ I mumbled.

โ€œWhy are you making that face?โ€

โ€œWell . . .โ€ I pursed my lips, considering. โ€œIf you were, after all, just a dream, thatโ€™s exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up.โ€

He sighed. โ€œIf I tell you, will you finally believe that youโ€™re not having a nightmare?โ€

โ€œNightmare!โ€ I repeated scornfully. He waited for my answer. โ€œMaybe,โ€ I said after a second of thought. โ€œIf you tell me.โ€

โ€œI was…hunting.โ€

โ€œIs that the best you can do?โ€ I criticized. โ€œThat definitely doesnโ€™t prove Iโ€™m awake.โ€

He hesitated, and then spoke slowly, choosing his words with care. โ€œI wasnโ€™t hunting for food…I was actually trying my hand at…tracking. Iโ€™m not very good at it.โ€

โ€œWhat were you tracking?โ€ I asked, intrigued.

โ€œNothing of consequence.โ€ His words didnโ€™t match his expression; he looked upset, uncomfortable.

โ€œI donโ€™t understand.โ€

He hesitated; his face, shining with an odd green cast from the light of the clock, was torn.

โ€œIโ€”โ€ He took a deep breath. โ€œI owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to knowโ€โ€”the words began to flow so fast, the way I remembered he spoke sometimes when he was agitated, that I really had to concentrate to catch them allโ€”โ€œthat I had no idea. I didnโ€™t realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoriaโ€โ€”his lips curled back when he said the nameโ€”โ€œwould come back. Iโ€™ll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to Jamesโ€™s thoughts. But I just didnโ€™t see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why nowโ€”she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about himโ€”that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

โ€œNot that thereโ€™s any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Aliceโ€”what she saw herselfโ€”when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands ofย werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herselfโ€โ€”he shuddered and the gush of words halted for a short second. โ€œPlease know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse forโ€”โ€

โ€œStop,โ€ I interrupted him. He stared at me with agonized eyes, and I tried to find the right wordsโ€”the words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so much pain. They were very hard words to say. I didnโ€™t know if I could get them out without breaking down. But I had toย tryย to do it right. I didnโ€™t want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life. He should be happy, no matter what it cost me.

Iโ€™d really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation. It was going to bring things to an end so much sooner.

Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie, I kept my face smooth.

โ€œEdward,โ€ I said. His name burned my throat a little on the way out. I could feel the ghost of the hole, waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared. I didnโ€™t quite see how I was going to survive it this time.

โ€œThis has to stop now. You canโ€™t think about things that way. You canโ€™t let this…thisย guilt…rule your life. You canโ€™t take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, itโ€™s just part of how lifeย isย for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that itโ€™s not your job to take the blame. You canโ€™t just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didnโ€™t save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, andย not your fault. I know itโ€™s your…your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really canโ€™t let that make you go to such extremes! Itโ€™s very irresponsibleโ€” think of Esme and Carlisle andโ€”โ€

I was on the edge of losing it. I stopped to take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. I had to set him free. I had to make sure this never happened again.

โ€œIsabella Marie Swan,โ€ he whispered, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad. โ€œDo you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill meย because I felt guilty?โ€

I could feel the blank incomprehension on my face. โ€œDidnโ€™t you?โ€ โ€œFeel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend.โ€ โ€œThen…what are you saying? I donโ€™t understand.โ€

โ€œBella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead,โ€ he said, voice soft, eyes fierce. โ€œEven if Iโ€™d had no hand in your deathโ€โ€”he shuddered as he whispered the last wordโ€”โ€œeven if itย wasnโ€™tย my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more carefulโ€”I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?

โ€œThe odds…,โ€ he muttered then, distracted. His voice was so low I wasnโ€™t sure I heard it right. โ€œThe odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. Iโ€™ll never criticize Romeo again.โ€

โ€œBut I still donโ€™t understand,โ€ I said. โ€œThatโ€™s my whole point. So what?โ€ โ€œExcuse me?โ€

โ€œSo what if Iย wasย dead?โ€

He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering. โ€œDonโ€™t you remember anything I told you before?โ€

โ€œI rememberย everythingย that you told me.โ€ Including the words that had negated all the rest.

He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip. โ€œBella, you seem to be under a misapprehension.โ€ He closed his eyes, shaking his head back and forth with half a smile on his beautiful face. It wasnโ€™t a happy smile. โ€œI thought Iโ€™d explained it clearly before. Bella, I canโ€™t live in a world where you donโ€™t exist.โ€

โ€œI am . . .โ€ My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word. โ€œConfused.โ€ That worked. I couldnโ€™t make sense of what he was saying.

He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere, earnest gaze. โ€œIโ€™m a good liar, Bella, I have to be.โ€

I froze, my muscles locking down as if for impact. The fault line in my chest rippled; the pain of it took my breath away.

He shook my shoulder, trying to loosen my rigid pose. โ€œLet me finish!

Iโ€™m a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly.โ€ He winced. โ€œThat was…excruciating.โ€

I waited, still frozen.

โ€œWhen we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbyeโ€”โ€

I didnโ€™t allow myself to remember. I fought to keep myself in the present second only.

โ€œYou werenโ€™t going to let go,โ€ he whispered. โ€œI could see that. I didnโ€™t want to do itโ€”it felt like it would kill me to do itโ€”but I knew that if I couldnโ€™t convince you that I didnโ€™t love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thoughtย Iโ€™dย moved on, so would you.โ€

โ€œA clean break,โ€ I whispered through unmoving lips.

โ€œExactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossibleโ€”that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and Iโ€™m so sorryโ€”sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldnโ€™t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didnโ€™t work. Iโ€™m sorry.

โ€œBut how could you believe me? After all the thousand times Iโ€™ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?โ€

I didnโ€™t answer. I was too shocked to form a rational response.

โ€œI could see it in your eyes, that you honestlyย believedย that I didnโ€™t want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous conceptโ€”as if there were any way thatย Iย could exist without needingย you!โ€

I was still frozen. His words were incomprehensible, because they were impossible.

He shook my shoulder again, not hard, but enough that my teeth rattled a little.

โ€œBella,โ€ he sighed. โ€œReally, what were you thinking!โ€

And so I started to cry. The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my cheeks.

โ€œI knew it,โ€ I sobbed. โ€œIย knewย I was dreaming.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re impossible,โ€ he said, and he laughed onceโ€”a hard laugh, frustrated. โ€œHow can I put this so that youโ€™ll believe me? Youโ€™re not asleep, and youโ€™re not dead. Iโ€™m here, and I love you. Iย haveย always loved you, and Iย willย always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didnโ€™t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.โ€

I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes.

โ€œYou donโ€™t believe me, do you?โ€ he whispered, his face paler than his usual paleโ€”I could see that even in the dim light. โ€œWhy can you believe the lie, but not the truth?โ€

โ€œIt never made sense for you to love me,โ€ I explained, my voice breaking twice. โ€œI always knew that.โ€

His eyes narrowed, his jaw tightened. โ€œIโ€™ll prove youโ€™re awake,โ€ he promised.

He caught my face securely between his iron hands,ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head away.

โ€œPlease donโ€™t,โ€ I whispered.

He stopped, his lips just half an inch from mine.

โ€œWhy not?โ€ he demanded. His breath blew into my face, making my head whirl.

โ€œWhen I wake upโ€โ€”He opened his mouth to protest, so I revised

โ€”โ€œokay, forget that oneโ€”when you leave again, itโ€™s going to be hard enough without this, too.โ€

He pulled back an inch, to stare at my face.

โ€œYesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because Iโ€™m too late?

Because Iโ€™ve hurt you too much? Because youย haveย moved on, as I meant

for you to? That would be…quite fair. I wonโ€™t contest your decision. So donโ€™t try to spare my feelings, pleaseโ€”just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything Iโ€™ve done to you. Can you?โ€ he whispered.

โ€œWhat kind of an idiotic question is that?โ€ โ€œJust answer it. Please.โ€

I stared at him darkly for a long moment. โ€œThe way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love youโ€”and thereโ€™s nothing you can do about it!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s all I needed to hear.โ€

His mouth was on mine then, and I couldnโ€™t fight him. Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met. This kiss was not quite as careful as others I remembered, which suited me just fine. If I was going to rip myself up further, I might as well get as much in trade as possible.

So I kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine, and I was so glad he hadnโ€™t listened to meโ€”there was no pain in the world that would have justified missing this. His hands memorized my face, the same way mine were tracing his, and, in the brief seconds when his lips were free, he whispered my name.

When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart.

I lay there, dazed, waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet. โ€œBy the way,โ€ he said in a casual tone. โ€œIโ€™m not leaving you.โ€

I didnโ€™t say anything, and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence.

He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his. โ€œIโ€™m not going anywhere. Not without you,โ€ he added more seriously. โ€œI only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to youโ€”keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to doย something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadnโ€™t thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. Iโ€™m much too selfish.

Onlyย youย could be more important than what I wanted…what I needed.

What I want and need is to be with you, and I know Iโ€™ll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stayโ€”thank heaven for that! It seems youย canโ€™tย be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t promise me anything,โ€ I whispered. If I let myself hope, and it came to nothing…that would kill me. Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off, hope would do the job.

Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes. โ€œYou think Iโ€™m lying to you now?โ€

โ€œNoโ€”not lying.โ€ I shook my head, trying to think it through coherently.

To examine the hypothesis that heย didย love me, while staying objective, clinical, so I wouldnโ€™t fall into the trap of hoping. โ€œYou could mean it…now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?โ€

He flinched.

I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me, tried to see them through the filter of what he was telling me now. From that perspective, imagining that heโ€™d left me while loving me, left meย forย me, his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning. โ€œIt isnโ€™t as if you hadnโ€™t thought the first decision through, is it?โ€ I guessed. โ€œYouโ€™ll end up doing what you think is right.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not as strong as you give me credit for,โ€ he said. โ€œRight and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of timeโ€”and not much of itโ€”before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. Iโ€™d be happy to beg now, if youโ€™d like that.โ€

I grimaced. โ€œBe serious, please.โ€

โ€œOh, I am,โ€ he insisted, glaring now. โ€œWill you please try to hear what Iโ€™m telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?โ€

He waited, studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening.

โ€œBefore you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were starsโ€”points of light and reason. And then you shot across my

sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy,

there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldnโ€™t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.โ€

I wanted to believe him. But this wasย myย life withoutย himย that he was describing, not the other way around.

โ€œYour eyes will adjust,โ€ I mumbled. โ€œThatโ€™s just the problemโ€”they canโ€™t.โ€ โ€œWhat about your distractions?โ€

He laughed without a trace of humor. โ€œJust part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the…theย agony. My heart hasnโ€™t beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was goneโ€”like I was hollow. Like Iโ€™d left everything that was inside me here with you.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s funny,โ€ I muttered.

He arched one perfect eyebrow. โ€œFunny?โ€

โ€œI meant strangeโ€”I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I havenโ€™t been able to really breathe in so long.โ€ I filled my lungs, luxuriating in the sensation. โ€œAnd my heart. That was definitely lost.โ€

He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again. I let my cheek press against his hair, felt the texture of it on my skin, smelled the delicious scent of him.

โ€œTracking wasnโ€™t a distraction then?โ€ I asked, curious, and also needing to distractย myself. I was very much in danger of hoping. I wouldnโ€™t be able to stop myself for long. My heart throbbed, singing in my chest.

โ€œNo.โ€ He sighed. โ€œThat was never a distraction. It was an obligation.โ€ โ€œWhat does that mean?โ€

โ€œIt means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasnโ€™t going to let her get away with…Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazilโ€”and really she came here.โ€ He groaned. โ€œI wasnโ€™t even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fearsโ€”โ€

โ€œYou were huntingย Victoria?โ€ I half-shrieked as soon as I could find my voice, shooting through two octaves.

Charlieโ€™s distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.

โ€œNot well,โ€ Edward answered, studying my outraged expression with a confused look. โ€œBut Iโ€™ll do better this time. She wonโ€™t be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer.โ€

โ€œThat is…out of the question,โ€ I managed to choke out. Insanity. Even if he had Emmett or Jasper help him. Even if he had Emmettย andย Jasper help. It was worse than my other imaginings: Jacob Black standing across a small space from Victoriaโ€™s vicious and feline figure. I couldnโ€™t bear to picture Edward there, even though he was so much more durable than my half- human best friend.

โ€œItโ€™s too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not afterโ€”โ€

I interrupted him again, trying to sound calm. โ€œDidnโ€™t you just promise that you werenโ€™t going to leave?โ€ I asked, fighting the words as I said them, not letting them plant themselves in my heart. โ€œThat isnโ€™t exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?โ€

He frowned. A snarl began to build low in his chest. โ€œI will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoriaโ€โ€”the snarl became more pronouncedโ€”โ€œis going to die. Soon.โ€

โ€œLetโ€™s not be hasty,โ€ I said, trying to hide my panic. โ€œMaybe sheโ€™s not coming back. Jakeโ€™s pack probably scared her off. Thereโ€™s really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, Iโ€™ve got bigger problems than Victoria.โ€

Edwardโ€™s eyes narrowed, but he nodded. โ€œItโ€™s true. The werewolves are a problem.โ€

I snorted. โ€œI wasnโ€™t talking aboutย Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble.โ€

Edward looked as if he were about to say something, and then thought better of it. His teeth clicked together, and he spoke through them. โ€œReally?โ€ he asked. โ€œThen what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoriaโ€™s returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?โ€

โ€œHow about the second greatest?โ€ I hedged. โ€œAll right,โ€ he agreed, suspicious.

I paused. I wasnโ€™t sure I could say the name. โ€œThere are others who are coming to look for me,โ€ I reminded him in a subdued whisper.

He sighed, but the reaction was not as strong as I would have imagined after his response to Victoria.

โ€œThe Volturi are only theย secondย greatest?โ€ โ€œYou donโ€™t seem that upset about it,โ€ I noted.

โ€œWell, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldnโ€™t be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again,โ€ he added lightly.

Horror washed through me. Thirty.

So his promises meant nothing, in the end. If I were going to turn thirty someday, then he couldnโ€™t be planning on staying long. The harsh pain of this knowledge made me realize that Iโ€™d already begun to hope, without giving myself permission to do so.

โ€œYou donโ€™t have to be afraid,โ€ he said, anxious as he watched the tears dew up again on the rims of my eyes. โ€œI wonโ€™t let them hurt you.โ€

โ€œWhile youโ€™re here.โ€ Not that I cared what happened to me when he left.

He took my face between his two stone hands, holding it tightly while his midnight eyes glared into mine with the gravitational force of a black hole. โ€œI will never leave you again.โ€

โ€œBut you saidย thirty,โ€ I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. โ€œWhat? Youโ€™re going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right.โ€

His eyes softened, while his mouth went hard. โ€œThatโ€™s exactly what Iโ€™m going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul.โ€

โ€œIs this really . . .โ€ I tried to keep my voice even, but this question was too hard. I remembered his face when Aro had almost begged him to consider making me immortal. The sick look there. Was this fixation with keeping me human really about my soul, or was it because he wasnโ€™t sure that he wanted me around that long?

โ€œYes?โ€ he asked, waiting for my question.

I asked a different one. Almostโ€”but not quiteโ€”as hard.

โ€œBut what about when I get so old that people think Iโ€™m your mother?

Yourย grandmother?โ€ My voice was pale with revulsionโ€”I could see Granโ€™s face again in the dream mirror.

His whole face was soft now. He brushed the tears from my cheek with his lips. โ€œThat doesnโ€™t mean anything to me,โ€ he breathed against my skin.

โ€œYou will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course . . .โ€ He hesitated, flinching slightly. you outgrewย meโ€”if you wanted something moreโ€”I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldnโ€™t stand in your way if you wanted to leave me.โ€

His eyes were liquid onyx and utterly sincere. He spoke as if heโ€™d put endless amounts of thought into this asinine plan.

โ€œYou do realize that Iโ€™ll die eventually, right?โ€ I demanded.

Heโ€™d thought about this part, too. โ€œIโ€™ll follow after as soon as I can.โ€ โ€œThat is seriously . . .โ€ I looked for the right word. โ€œSick.โ€

โ€œBella, itโ€™s the only right way leftโ€”โ€

โ€œLetโ€™s just back up for a minute,โ€ I said; feeling angry made it so much easier to be clear, decisive. โ€œYou do remember the Volturi, right? I canโ€™t stay human forever. Theyโ€™ll kill me. Even if they donโ€™t think of me till Iโ€™mย thirtyโ€โ€”I hissed the wordโ€”โ€œdo you really think theyโ€™ll forget?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he answered slowly, shaking his head. โ€œThey wonโ€™t forget. But . .

.โ€

โ€œBut?โ€

He grinned while I stared at him warily. Maybe I wasnโ€™t the only crazy

one.

โ€œI have a few plans.โ€

โ€œAnd these plans,โ€ I said, my voice getting more acidic with each word. โ€œThese plans all center around me stayingย human.โ€

My attitude hardened his expression. โ€œNaturally.โ€ His tone was brusque, his divine face arrogant.

We glowered at each other for a long minute.

Then I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, I pushed his arms away so that I could sit up.

โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€ he asked, and it made my heart flutter to see that this idea hurt him, though he tried not to show it.

โ€œNo,โ€ I told him. โ€œIโ€™mย leaving.โ€

He watched me suspiciously as I climbed out of the bed and fumbled around in the dark room, looking for my shoes.

โ€œMay I ask where you are going?โ€ he asked.

โ€œIโ€™m going to your house,โ€ I told him, still feeling around blindly.

He got up and came to my side. โ€œHere are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?โ€

โ€œMy truck.โ€

โ€œThat will probably wake Charlie,โ€ he offered as a deterrent.

I sighed. โ€œI know. But honestly, Iโ€™ll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?โ€

โ€œNone. Heโ€™ll blame me, not you.โ€

โ€œIf you have a better idea, Iโ€™m all ears.โ€

โ€œStay here,โ€ he suggested, but his expression wasnโ€™t hopeful.

โ€œNo dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home,โ€ I encouraged, surprised at how natural my teasing sounded, and headed for the door.

He was there before me, blocking my way.

I frowned, and turned for the window. It wasnโ€™t really that far to the ground, and it was mostly grass beneath….

โ€œOkay,โ€ he sighed. โ€œIโ€™ll give you a ride.โ€

I shrugged. โ€œEither way. But you probablyย shouldย be there, too.โ€ โ€œAnd why is that?โ€

โ€œBecause youโ€™re extraordinarily opinionated, and Iโ€™m sure youโ€™ll want a chance to air your views.โ€

โ€œMy views on which subject?โ€ He asked through his teeth. โ€œThis isnโ€™t just about you anymore. Youโ€™re not the center of the

universe, you know.โ€ My own personal universe was, of course, a different story. โ€œIf youโ€™re going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say.โ€

โ€œA say in what?โ€ he asked, each word distinct. โ€œMy mortality. Iโ€™m putting it to a vote.โ€

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