Two days in, and the apartment hunt is a bust so far. Anything nice and in a good area is out of my price range. Iโd have to commute or live in a dump, neither of which I want to do. Truthfully, I donโt want to do
any of it. I donโt want to be here, which makes finding a place to live all the more difficult.
My mind is on Chicago, and my heart is in Pittsburgh.
Zanders and the team are there, and I didnโt realize I would feel this much disappointment in missing the finals, but I do. This whole season, traveling with them, watching them climb the ranks and win series after series, made me feel like I was a part of it. And now, with the final series underway, Iโm across the country, over two thousand miles away, completely out of the loop.
What was the vibe when the guys got on board this morning? Were they nervous? Excited? Focused? What song did Rio blast as he walked down the aisle to his seat?
How is Zanders doing after he saw his mom yesterday?
I want all the answers, and I could easily get them if I replied to one of Zandersโ endless texts or phone calls. He hadnโt reached out once since he ended things, but Iโd imagine when he got on the plane this morning and realized I wasnโt there after I said I would be, his plan went straight out the window.
My hotel room is cold, bleak, and dark, but the city right outside is lively and bright, bursting with people. When I stepped outside earlier, the
fresh ocean breeze filled my nostrils with its salty scent as well as a waft of fresh coffee and flowers.
I donโt want any of it.
I want the smell of Zandersโ penthouse right after breakfast gets delivered because neither of us knows how to cook. I miss the scent of SDOC right after everyoneโs weekly baths when the whole building smells like shampoo. Iโd even take the waft of my disgusting brother coming home from practice over this.
I want Chicago, but Iโm here.
I guess I should go outside and explore my future city, but instead, Iโm lying in my bed, mid-afternoon, watching my phone as Zandersโ texts continue to roll in.
I havenโt seen his name on my screen in far too long, and I missed it. I miss him.
Zee (Daddy) Zanders:ย Stevie, please answer.
Zee (Daddy) Zanders:ย Can you call me?
Zee (Daddy) Zanders:ย Vee, Iโm freaking the fuck out right now. Will you please talk to me?
Once again, his name flashes across my phone as Zandersโ handsome face fills my screen with a picture of one of our lazy mornings together. The photo is one I snapped. Heโs in bed, shirtless, eyes closed but awake with a knowing smile on his lips.
Every part of me misses every part of him and our lives together. Which is precisely what causes me to answer my phone.
โStevie?โ His voice is sad and broken.
I hold the phone tightly to my ear, closing my eyes from hearing the pain in his tone.
โPlease donโt go,โ he begs.
I donโt know what to say to that, so I stay silent.
โI thought you were going to be here today. I thought you got fired, but you quit? Stevie, Iโm begging you, please donโt move. I need you.โ
I sink into my mattress, the phone held tightly to my ear. Taking a deep breath, I let Zandersโ words wash over me. Itโs something I wanted, needed to hear, but didnโt believe I ever would again. The only thing heโs said to me since we broke up is that he wanted to talk, and in that time, not once did I allow myself to get my hopes up for more. Why would I? The last thing he said was goodbye.
โWhat about whatย Iย need?โ I gently ask. โZee, you broke up with me. You couldnโt expect me to sit around and wait, hoping youโd change your mind.โ
โI was just trying to protect you,โ he softly admits, defeat evident in his voice.
โI know. I figured that out, but it doesnโt hurt any less, knowing youโd let me go so easily.โ
โI didnโt want you to have to deal with the ugly parts of being in my life.โ His voice breaks. โI was trying to protect you.โ
โYou canโt protect everyone from everything. You shouldโve trusted that I could stand up for myself.ย Youย taught me to stand up for myself.โ
Silence lingers between us. โDo you want to be in Seattle?โ he finally asks. โYou donโt even like flying all that much. What about the shelter? What about Ryan?โ
โI just want to feel better.โ
โI miss you so much. I canโt even function properly.โ He sucks in a sharp breath. โHow do you sound so okay?โ
โIโm not. Iโm nowhere near being okay, but what am I supposed to do?
Wait around, hoping youโll want me one day?โ โIโve always wanted you, Stevie.โ
โThen whyโd you let me go?โ
I can hear him swallow down his emotions through the phone. โIt felt like everything was crashing down on us, you know? I was so messed up the day everything came out. I had no control over what people were saying about you. I was trying to fix something, anything. I didnโt want you to lose your job.โ
โI didnโt care about my job!โ
โWell, I did!โ He calms his voice. โVee, for the first time in my life, this season, the road felt like home because you were with me, and selfishly, I wasnโt ready to lose that. I needed to know youโd be there with me.โ
My throat is thick, keeping me from responding. My eyes are burning from tears Iโve refused to shed for days, but also, Iโm angry that he would make that decision for me.
โAnd I was afraid that you were going to leave altogether.โ His voice is soft, almost inaudible. โEverything was so good, too good, and the last time I felt that comfortable relying on someone to stay in my life, she left me.โ
Everything hurts. His voice hurts. The emptiness hurts.
I never wouldโve left him. If Zanders asked me to be in his life forever, I wouldโve said yes in a heartbeat, but I donโt necessarily blame him for reacting how he did. In his most formative years, the woman who was supposed to stay and love him didnโt, but Iโm not her.
Regardless of my understanding, I have to look out for myself. He left me when all I wanted was to be allowed to love him and maybe have him love me in return.
โDid you really invite her over yesterday?โ โYeah.โ
โAre you okay?โ
He takes a deep breath, filling his lungs. โYeah. I think I am. I cut ties with her. I shouldโve done it a long time ago, but I wasnโt ready until now.โ
A pause lingers between us. โIโm proud of you, Zee.โ โYeah?โ
โOf course, I am.โ
โI was going to tell you about my mom and everything else today. I just needed to talk to you.โ
โWell, youโre talking to me now.โ
โCan I come to you? Maybe I can get on a plane between games one and two. Maybe I can skip the press conferences and media stuff.โ His tone is frantic, words rushing together.
โYou know you canโt do that. No one would allow you to do that.โ โI canโt lose you, Stevie.โ
The buzz from the air-conditioning unit fills the room with its white noise, helping to drown out the silence.
โYou left me,โ my voice cracks. โI never wouldโve left you.โ โPlease, Iโm begging you, donโt leave me now.โ
โZee, look at it from my point of view. You spent months building me up, being proud of me, making me proud of myself, then the second anyone found out about me, you ran. Do you know how terrible that makes me feel? I just wanted you to choose me, chooseย usย regardless of what people had to say.โ
He stays silent on the other end.
โDo you know what it feels like to watch someone walk out the door after you begged them to stay?โ
Once again, he doesnโt answer.
The memories of my words flash through my mind.ย Whyโd you let me fall in love with you?ย It was humiliating the first time he walked out after I said it, but whatโs another round of embarrassment?
โIt was simple. I wanted you to love me.โ
His silence is deafening, telling me everything I need to know, causing my heart to shatter all over again.
โI wanted you to let me love you, but you canโt, can you? I donโt think you know how to trust someone else to love you unconditionally.โ
โVee,โ he finally speaks. โI just…โ
The quiet line lingers between us for far too long. โI donโt know how to do that.โ
My eyes close from the pain vibrating through my entire body, confirming what I already knew. As much as I love him, how could we live a life together where he doesnโt believe that I do?
โGood luck tomorrow night.โ โStevieโโ
I hang up before he can say anything else.