TRULY,ย Iย WAS NOT THIRSTY, BUTย Iย DECIDED TO HUNT AGAIN THAT NIGHT.ย A small
ounce of prevention, inadequate though I knew it to be.
Carlisle came with me. We hadnโt been alone together since Iโd returned from Denali. As we ran through the black forest, I heard him thinking about that hasty goodbye last week.
In his memory, I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair. I felt again his surprise and sudden worry.
โEdward?โ
โI have to go, Carlisle. I have to goย now.โ โWhatโs happened?โ
โNothing. Yet. But it will if I stay.โ
Heโd reached for my arm. Iโd seen how it had hurt him when Iโd cringed away from his hand.
โI donโt understand.โ
โHave you everโฆ has there ever been a timeโฆ?โ
I watched myself take a deep breath, saw the wild light in my eyes through the filter of his deep concern.
โHas any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them?
Muchย better?โ โOh.โ
When Iโd known that he understood, my face had fallen with shame. Heโd reached out to touch me, ignoring it when Iโd recoiled again, and left his hand on my shoulder.
โDo what you must to resist, Son. I will miss you. Here, take my car. The tank is full.โ
He was wondering now if heโd done the right thing then, sending me away. Wondering if he had hurt me with his lack of trust.
โNo,โ I whispered as I ran. โThat was what I needed. I might so easily
have betrayed that trust if youโd told me to stay.โ
โIโm sorry youโre suffering, Edward. But you should do what you can to keep the Swan child alive. Even if it means that you must leave us again.โ
โI know, I know.โ
โWhyย didย you come back? You know how happy I am to have you here, but if this is too difficultโฆโ
โI didnโt like feeling a coward,โ I admitted.
Weโd slowedโwe were barely jogging through the darkness now. โBetter that than to put her in danger. Sheโll be gone in a year or two.โ โYouโre right, I know that.โ Contrarily, his words only made me more
anxious to stay. The girl would be gone in a year or two.โฆ
Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him. He turned to examine my expression.
But youโre not going to run, are you?
I hung my head.
Is it pride, Edward? Thereโs no shame inโ
โNo, it isnโt pride that keeps me here. Not now.โ
Nowhere to go?
I laughed shortly. โNo. That wouldnโt stop me if I could make myself leave.โ
โWeโll come with you, of course, if thatโs what you need. You only have to ask. Youโve moved on without complaint for the rest of them. They wonโt begrudge you this.โ
I raised one eyebrow.
He laughed. โYes, Rosalie might, but she owes you. Anyway, itโs much better for us to leave now, no damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has been ended.โ All humor was gone by the end.
I flinched at his words.
โYes,โ I agreed. My voice sounded hoarse.
But youโre not leaving?
I sighed. โI should.โ
โWhat holds you here, Edward? Iโm failing to see.โฆโ
โI donโt know if I can explain.โ Even to myself, it made no sense. He measured my expression for a long moment.
No, I do not see. But I will respect your privacy, if you prefer.
โThank you. Itโs generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no
one.โ With one exception. And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that, wasnโt I?
We all have our quirks.ย He laughed again.ย Shall we?
Heโd just caught the scent of a small herd of deer. It was hard to rally much enthusiasm for what was, even under the best of circumstances, a less than mouthwatering aroma. Right now, with the memory of the girlโs blood fresh in my mind, the smell actually turned my stomach.
I sighed. โLetโs,โ I agreed, though I knew that forcing more blood down my throat would help so little.
We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us silently forward.
It was colder when we returned home. The melted snow had refrozen; it was as if a thin sheet of glass covered everythingโeach pine needle, each fern frond, each blade of grass was iced over.
While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital, I stayed by the river, waiting for the sun to rise. I felt almostโฆย swollenย from the amount of blood Iโd consumed, but I knew the lack of actual thirst would mean little when I sat beside the girl again.
Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on, I stared at the dark water running beside the icy bank, stared right through it.
Carlisle was right. I should leave Forks. They could spread some story to explain my absence. Boarding school in Europe. Visiting distant relatives. Teenage runaway. The story didnโt matter. No one would question too intensely.
It was just a year or two, and then the girl would disappear. She would go on with her lifeโshe wouldย haveย a life to go on with. Sheโd go to college somewhere, start a career, perhaps marry someone. I could picture thatโI could see the girl dressed all in white and walking at a measured pace, her arm through her fatherโs.
It was odd, the pain that image caused me. I couldnโt understand it. Was I begrudging of her future because it was something I could never have? That made no sense. Every one of the humans around me had that same potential ahead of themโa lifeโand I rarely stopped to envy them.
I should leave her to her future. Stop risking her life. That was the right
thing to do. Carlisle always chose the right way. I should listen to him now. I would.
The sun rose behind the clouds, and the faint light glistened off all the frozen glass.
One more day, I decided. I would see her one more time. I could handle that. Perhaps I would mention my pending disappearance, set the story up.
This was going to be difficult. I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that was already making me think of excuses to stayโto extend the deadline to two days, three, four.โฆ But I would do the right thing. I knew I could trust Carlisleโs advice. And I also knew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision alone.
Much too conflicted. How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive curiosity, and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite?
I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school.
Alice was waiting for me, sitting on the top step at the edge of the third floor.
Youโre leaving again, she accused me. I sighed and nodded.
I canโt see where youโre going this time.
โI donโt know where Iโm going yet,โ I whispered.
I want you to stay.
I shook my head.
Maybe Jazz and I could come with you?
โTheyโll need you all the more if Iโm not here to watch out for them.
And think of Esme. Would you take half her family away in one blow?โ
Youโre going to make her so unhappy.
โI know. Thatโs why you have to stay.โ
Thatโs not the same as having you here, and you know it.
โYes. But I have to do whatโs right.โ
There are many right ways, and many wrong ways, though, arenโt there?
For a brief moment, she was swept away into one of her strange visions; I watched along with her as the indistinct images flickered and whirled. I saw myself mixed in with strange shadows that I couldnโt make outโhazy, imprecise forms. And then, suddenly, my skin was glittering in the bright sunlight of a small open meadow. This was a place I knew. There was a figure in the meadow with me, but again, it was indistinct, notย thereย enough
to recognize. The images shivered and disappeared as a million tiny choices rearranged the future again.
โI didnโt catch much of that,โ I told her when the vision went dark.
Me either. Your future is shifting around so much I canโt keep up with any of it. Iย think, thoughโฆ
She stopped, and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions for me. They were all the sameโblurry and vague.
โIย thinkย something is changing,โ she said out loud. โYour life seems to be at a crossroads.โ
I laughed grimly. โYou do realize that you sound like a carnival fortune- teller, right?โ
She stuck out her tiny tongue at me.
โToday is all right, though, isnโt it?โ I asked, my voice abruptly apprehensive.
โI donโt see you killing anyone today,โ she assured me. โThanks, Alice.โ
โGo get dressed. I wonโt say anythingโIโll let you tell the others when youโre ready.โ
She stood and darted back down the stairs, her shoulders hunched slightly.ย Miss you. Really.
Yes, I would really miss her, too.
It was a quiet ride to school. Jasper could feel that Alice was upset about something, but he knew that if she wanted to talk about it, she would have done so already. Emmett and Rosalie were oblivious, having another of their moments, gazing into each otherโs eyes with wonderโit was rather disgusting to watch from the outside. We were all quite aware how desperately in love they were. Or maybe I was just being bitter because I was the only one alone. Some days it was harder than others to live with three sets of perfectly matched lovers. This was one of them.
Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around, ill- tempered and belligerent as the old man I should be by now.
Of course, the first thing I did when we reached the school was to look for the girl. Just preparing myself again.
Right.
It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything but her.
It was easy enough to understand, though, really. After eighty years of the same thing every day and every night, any change became a point of absorption.
She had not yet arrived, but I could hear the thunderous chugging of her truckโs engine in the distance. I leaned against the side of the car to wait. Alice stayed with me while the others went straight to class. They were already bored with my fixationโit was incomprehensible to them how any human could hold my interest for so long, no matter how appealing she smelled.
The girl drove slowly into view, her eyes intent on the road and her hands tight on the wheel. She seemed anxious about something. It took me a second to figure out what that something was, to realize that every human wore the same expression today. Ah, the road was slick with ice, and they were all trying to drive more carefully. I could see she was taking the added risk seriously.
That seemed in line with what little I had learned of her character. I added this to my small list: She was a serious person, a responsible person.
She parked not too far from me, but she hadnโt noticed me standing here yet, staring at her. I wondered what she would do when she saw me? Blush and walk away? That was my first guess. But maybe she would stare back. Maybe she would come to talk to me.
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs hopefully, just in case.
She got out of the truck with care, testing the slick ground before she put her weight on it. She didnโt look up, and that frustrated me. Maybe I would go talk to her.โฆ
No, that would be wrong.
Instead of turning toward the school, she made her way to the rear of her truck, clinging to the side of the truck bed in a droll way, not trusting her footing. It made me smile, and I felt Aliceโs eyes on my face. I didnโt listen to whatever this made her thinkโI was having too much fun watching the girl check her snow chains. She actually looked in some danger of falling, the way her feet were sliding around. No one else was having troubleโhad she parked in the worst of the ice?
She paused there, staring down with a strange expression on her face. It wasโฆ tender. As if something about the tire was making herโฆย emotional?
Again, the curiosity ached like a thirst. It was as if Iย hadย to know what
she was thinkingโas if nothing else mattered.
I would go talk to her. She looked like she could use a hand anyway, at least until she was off the slick pavement. Of course, I couldnโt offer her that, could I? I hesitated, torn. As averse as she seemed to be to snow, she would hardly welcome the touch of my cold white hand. I should have worn glovesโ
โNO!โ Alice gasped aloud.
Instantly, I scanned her thoughts, guessing at first that I had made a poor choice and she saw me doing something inexcusable. But it had nothing to do with me at all.
Tyler Crowley had chosen to take the turn into the parking lot at an injudicious speed. This choice would send him skidding across a patch of ice.
The vision came just half a second before the reality. Tylerโs van rounded the corner as I was still watching what had pulled the horrified gasp from Aliceโs lips.
No, this vision had nothing to do with me, and yet it hadย everythingย to do with me, because Tylerโs vanโthe tires right now hitting the ice at the worst possible angleโwas going to spin across the lot and crush the girl who had become the uninvited focal point of my world.
Even without Aliceโs foresight it would have been simple enough to read the trajectory of the vehicle, flying out of Tylerโs control.
The girl, standing in the exactly wrong place at the back of her truck, looked up, confused by the sound of the screeching tires. She looked straight into my horror-struck eyes, and then turned to watch her approaching death.
Not her!ย The words shouted in my head as if they belonged to someone else.
Still locked into Aliceโs thoughts, I saw the vision suddenly shift, but I had no time to see what the outcome would be.
I launched myself across the lot, throwing myself between the skidding van and the frozen girl. I moved so fast that everything was a streaky blur except for the object of my focus. She didnโt see meโno human eyes could have followed my flightโstill staring at the hulking shape that was about to grind her body into the metal frame of her truck.
I caught her around the waist, moving with too much urgency to be as
gentle as she would need me to be. In the hundredth of a second between yanking her slight form out of the path of death and crashing to the ground with her in my arms, I was vividly aware of her fragile, breakable body.
When I heard her head thump against the ice, it felt as though I had turned to ice, too.
But I didnโt even have a full second to ascertain her condition. I heard the van behind us, grating and squealing as it twisted around the sturdy iron body of the girlโs truck. It was changing course, arcing, coming for her againโas though she were a magnet, pulling it toward us.
A word Iโd never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.
I had already done too much. As Iโd nearly flown through the air to push her out of the way, Iโd been fully aware of the mistake I was making. Knowing that it was a mistake did not stop me, but I was not oblivious to the risk I was takingโnot just for myself, but for my entire family.
Exposure.
Andย thisย certainly wouldnโt help, but there was no way I was going to allow the van to succeed in its second attempt to take her life.
I dropped her and threw my hands out, catching the van before it could touch the girl. The force of it hurled me back into the car parked beside her truck, and I could feel its frame buckle behind my shoulders. The van shuddered and shivered against the unyielding obstacle of my arms, and then swayed, balancing unstably on its two far tires.
If I moved my hands, the back tire of the van was going to fall onto her legs.
Oh, for theย loveย ofย allย that wasย holy, would the catastrophes never end? Was there anything else that could go wrong? I could hardly sit here, holding the van up, and wait for rescue. Nor could I throw the van awayโ there was the driver to consider, his thoughts incoherent with panic.
With an internal groan, I shoved the van so that it rocked away from us for an instant. As it fell back toward me, I caught it under the frame with my right hand while I wrapped my left arm around the girlโs waist again and dragged her out from under the threatening tire, pulling her tight against my side. Her body moved limply as I swung her around so that her legs would be in the clearโwas she conscious? How much damage had I done to her in my impromptu rescue attempt?
I let the van drop, now that it could not hurt her. It crashed to the pavement, all the windows shattering in unison.
I knew that I was in the middle of a crisis. How much had she seen? Had any other witnesses watched me materialize at her side and then juggle the van while I tried to keep her out from under it? These questionsย shouldย be my biggest concern.
But I was too anxious to really care about the threat of exposure as much as I should. Too panic-stricken that I might have injured her in my effort to save her life. Too frightened to have her this close to me, knowing what I would smell if I allowed myself to inhale. Too aware of the heat of her soft body, pressed against mineโeven through the double obstacle of our jackets, I could feel that heat.
The first fear was the greatest fear. As the screaming of the witnesses erupted around us, I leaned down to examine her face, to see if she was consciousโhoping fiercely that she was not bleeding anywhere.
Her eyes were open, staring in shock. โBella?โ I asked urgently. โAre you all right?โ
โIโm fine.โ She said the words automatically in a dazed voice.
Relief, so exquisite it was nearly pain, washed through me at the sound of her voice. I sucked in a breath through my teeth and for once did not mind the agony of the accompanying burn in my throat. In a strange way, I almost welcomed it.
She struggled to sit up, but I was not ready to release her. It felt somehowโฆ safer? Better, at least, having her tucked into my side.
โBe careful,โ I warned her. โI think you hit your head pretty hard.โ
There had been no smell of fresh bloodโa great mercy, thatโbut this did not rule out internal damage. I was abruptly anxious to get her to Carlisle and a full complement of radiology equipment.
โOw,โ she said, her tone comically shocked as she realized I was right about her head.
โThatโs what I thought.โ Relief made it funny to me, made me almost
giddy.
โHow in theโฆ?โ Her voice trailed off, and her eyelids fluttered. โHow did you get over here so fast?โ
The relief turned sour, the humor vanished. Sheย hadย noticed too much. Now that it appeared the girl was in decent shape, the anxiety for my
family became severe.
โI was standing right next to you, Bella.โ I knew from experience that if I was very confident as I lied, it made any questioner less sure of the truth.
She struggled to move again, and this time I allowed it. I needed to breathe so that I could play my role correctly. I needed space from her warm-blooded heat so that it would not combine with her scent to overwhelm me. I slid away from her, as far as was possible in the small space between the wrecked vehicles.
She stared up at me, and I stared back. To look away first was a mistake only an incompetent liar would make, and I was not an incompetent liar. My expression was smooth, benign. It seemed to confuse her. That was good.
The accident scene was surrounded now. Mostly students, children, peering and pushing through the cracks to see if any mangled bodies were visible. There was a babble of shouting and a gush of shocked thought. I scanned the thoughts once to make sure there were no suspicions yet, and then tuned them out and concentrated only on the girl.
She was distracted by the bedlam. She glanced around, her expression still stunned, and tried to get to her feet.
I put my hand lightly on her shoulder to hold her down.
โJust stay put for now.โ Sheย seemedย all right, but should she really be moving her neck? Again, I wished for Carlisle. My years of theoretical medical study were no match for his centuries of hands-on medical practice.
โBut itโs cold,โ she objected.
She had almost been crushed to death two distinct times, and it was the cold that worried her. A chuckle slid through my teeth before I could remember that the situation was not funny.
Bella blinked, and then her eyes focused on my face. โYou were over there.โ
That sobered me again.
She glanced toward the south, though there was nothing to see now but the crumpled side of the van. โYou were by your car.โ
โNo, I wasnโt.โ
โI saw you,โ she insisted. Her voice was childlike in her stubbornness.
Her chin jutted out.
โBella, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way.โ
I stared deeply into her eyes, trying to will her into accepting my version
โthe only rational version on the table.
Her jaw set. โNo.โ
I tried to stay calm, to not panic. If only I could keep her quiet for a few moments to give me a chance to destroy the evidenceโฆ and undermine her story by disclosing her head injury.
Shouldnโt it be easy to keep this silent, secretive girl quiet? If only she would follow my lead, just for a few momentsโฆ
โPlease, Bella,โ I said, and my voice was too intense, because I suddenlyย wantedย her trust. Wanted it badly, and not just in regard to this accident. A stupid desire. What sense would it make for her to trustย me?
โWhy?โ she asked, still defensive. โTrust me,โ I pleaded.
โWill you promise to explain everything to me later?โ
It made me angry to have to lie to her again, when I so wished that I could somehow deserve her confidence. When I answered her, it was a retort.
โFine.โ
โFine,โ she echoed in the same tone.
While the rescue attempt began around usโadults arriving, authorities called, sirens in the distanceโI tried to ignore the girl and get my priorities in the right order. I searched through every mind in the lot, the witnesses and the latecomers both, but I could find nothing dangerous. Many were surprised to see me here beside Bella, but all assumedโas there was no other possible conclusionโthat they had just not noticed me standing by the girl before the accident.
She was the only one who didnโt accept the easy explanation, but she would be considered the least reliable witness. She had been frightened, traumatized, not to mention sustaining a blow to her head. Possibly in shock. It would be acceptable for her story to be confused, wouldnโt it? No one would give it much credence above so many other spectatorsโ.
I winced when I caught the thoughts of Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett, just arriving on the scene. There would be hell to pay for this tonight.
I wanted to iron out the indentation my shoulders had made in the tan car, but the girl was too close. Iโd have to wait until she was distracted.
It was frustrating to waitโso many eyes on meโas the humans
struggled with the van, trying to pull it away from us. I might have helped them, just to speed the process, but I was already in enough trouble and the girl had sharp eyes. Finally, they were able to shift it far enough away for the EMTs to get to us with their stretchers.
A familiar grizzled face appraised me.
โHey, Edward,โ Brett Warner said. He was also a registered nurse, and I knew him well from the hospital. It was a stroke of luckโthe only luck todayโthat he was the first through to us. In his thoughts, he was noting that I looked alert and calm. โYou okay, kid?โ
โPerfect, Brett. Nothing touched me. But Iโm afraid Bella here might have a concussion. She really hit her head when I yanked her out of the way.โ
Brett turned his attention to the girl, who shot me a fierce look of betrayal. Oh, that was right. She was the quiet martyrโsheโd prefer to suffer in silence.
She did not contradict my story immediately, though, and this made me feel easier.
The next EMT tried to insist that I allow myself to be treated, but it wasnโt too difficult to dissuade him. I promised I would have my father examine me, and he let it go. With most humans, speaking with cool assurance was all that was needed. Most humans, just not the girl, of course. Did she fit intoย anyย of the normal patterns?
As they put a neck brace on herโand her face flushed scarlet with embarrassmentโI used the moment of distraction to quietly rearrange the shape of the dent in the tan car with the back of my foot. Only my siblings noticed what I was doing, and I heard Emmettโs mental promise to catch anything I missed.
Grateful for his helpโand more grateful that Emmett, at least, had already forgiven my dangerous choiceโI was more relaxed as I climbed into the front seat of the ambulance next to Brett.
The chief of police arrived before they had gotten Bella into the back of the ambulance.
Though Bellaโs fatherโs thoughts were past words, the panic and concern emanating from the manโs mind drowned out just about every other thought in the vicinity. Wordless anxiety and guilt, a great swell of them, washed out of him as he saw his only daughter on the gurney.
When Alice had warned me that killing Charlie Swanโs daughter would kill him, too, she had not been exaggerating.
My head bowed with that guilt as I listened to his panicked voice. โBella!โ he shouted.
โIโm completely fine, CharโDad.โ She sighed. โThereโs nothing wrong with me.โ
Her assurance barely soothed his dread. He turned at once to the closest EMT and demanded more information.
It wasnโt until I heard him speaking, forming perfectly coherent sentences despite his panic, that I realized that his anxiety and concern wereย notย wordless. I justโฆ could not hear the exact words.
Hmm. Charlie Swan was not as silent as his daughter, but I could see where she got it from. Interesting.
Iโd never spent much time around the townโs police chief. Iโd always taken him for a man of slow thoughtโnow I realized thatย Iย was the one who was slow. His thoughts were partially concealed, not absent. I could only make out the tenor, the tone of them.
I wanted to listen harder, to see if I could find in this new, lesser puzzle the key to the girlโs secrets. But Bella had been loaded into the back by then, and the ambulance was on its way.
It was hard to tear myself away from this possible solution to the mystery that had come to obsess me. But I had to think nowโto look at what had been done today from every angle. I had to listen, to make sure that I had not put us all in so much danger that we would have to leave immediately. I had to concentrate.
There was nothing in the thoughts of the EMTs to worry me. As far as they could tell, there wasnโt anything seriously wrong with the girl. And Bella was sticking to the story Iโd provided, for now.
The first priority, when we reached the hospital, was to see Carlisle. I hurried through the automatic doors, but I was unable to totally forgo watching after Bella. I figuratively kept one eye on her through the paramedicsโ thoughts.
It was easy to find my fatherโs familiar mind. He was in his small office, all aloneโthe second stroke of luck in this luckless day.
โCarlisle.โ
Heโd heard my approach and was alarmed as soon as he saw my face.
He jumped to his feet and leaned forward across the neatly organized walnut desk.
Edwardโyou didnโtโ?
โNo, no, itโs not that.โ
He took a deep breath.ย Of course not. Iโm sorry I entertained the thought. Your eyes, of course, I should have known.ย He noted my still- golden eyes with relief.
โSheโs hurt, though, Carlisle, probably not seriously, butโโ โWhat happened?โ
โA ridiculous car accident. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I couldnโt just stand thereโlet it crush her.โฆโ
Start over, I donโt understand. How were you involved?
โA van skidded across the ice,โ I whispered. I stared at the wall behind him while I spoke. Instead of a throng of framed diplomas, he had one simple oil paintingโa favorite of his, an undiscovered Hassam. โShe was in the way. Alice saw it coming, but there wasnโt time to do anything but reallyย runย across the lot and shove her out of the way. No one noticedโฆ except for her. I had to stop the van, too, but again, nobody saw thatโฆ besides her. Iโmโฆ Iโm sorry, Carlisle. I didnโt mean to put us in danger.โ
He circled the desk and embraced me for a short moment before stepping back.
You did the right thing. And it couldnโt have been easy for you. Iโm proud of you, Edward.
I could look him in the eye then. โShe knows thereโs somethingโฆ wrong with me.โ
โThat doesnโt matter. If we have to leave, we leave. What has she said?โ I shook my head, a little frustrated. โNothing yet.โ
Yet?
โShe agreed to my version of eventsโbut sheโs expecting an explanation.โ
He frowned, pondering this.
โShe hit her headโwell, I did that,โ I continued quickly. โI knocked her to the ground fairly hard. She seems fine, butโฆ I donโt think it will take much to discredit her account.โ
I felt like a cad just saying the words.
Carlisle heard the distaste in my voice.ย Perhaps that wonโt be necessary.
Letโs see what happens, shall we? It sounds like I have a patient to check on.
โPlease,โ I said. โIโm so afraid that I hurt her.โ
Carlisleโs expression brightened. He smoothed his fair hairโjust a few shades lighter than his golden eyesโand laughed.
Itโs been an interesting day for you, hasnโt it?ย In his mind, I could see the irony, and it was humorous, at least to him. Quite the reversal of roles. Somewhere during that short, thoughtless second when Iโd sprinted across the icy lot, I had transformed from killer to protector.
I laughed with him, remembering how sure Iโd been that Bella would never need protecting from anything more than from me. There was an edge to my laugh because, van notwithstanding, that was still entirely true.
I waited alone in Carlisleโs officeโone of the longest hours I had ever lived
โlistening to the hospital full of thoughts.
Tyler Crowley, the vanโs driver, looked to be hurt worse than Bella, and the attention shifted to him while she waited her turn to be x-rayed. Carlisle kept in the background, trusting the PAโs diagnosis that the girl was only slightly injured. This made me anxious, but I knew he was right. One glance at his face and she would be immediately reminded of me, of the fact that there was something not right about my family, and that might set her talking.
She certainly had a willing enough partner to converse with. Tyler, consumed with guilt over the fact that he had almost killed her, couldnโt seem to shut up about it. I could see her expression through his eyes, and it was clear that she wished he would stop. How did he not see that?
There was a tense moment for me when Tyler asked her how sheโd gotten out of the way.
I waited, frozen, as she hesitated.
โUmโฆ,โ he heard her say. Then she paused for so long that Tyler wondered if his question had confused her. Finally, she went on.ย โEdward pulled me out of the way.โ
I exhaled. And then my breathing accelerated. Iโd never heard her speak my name before. I liked the way it soundedโeven just hearing it through Tylerโs thoughts. I wanted to hear it for myself.โฆ
โEdward Cullen,โ she said, when Tyler didnโt realize whom she meant. I found myself at the door, my hand on the knob. The desire to see her was growing stronger. I had to remind myself of the need for caution.
โHe was standing next to me.โ
โCullen?โ Huh. Thatโs weird. โI didnโt see him.โ I could have swornโฆ โWow, it was all so fast, I guess. Is he okay?โ
โI think so. Heโs here somewhere, but they didnโt make him use a stretcher.โ
I saw the thoughtful look on her face, the suspicious tightening of her eyes, but these little changes in her expression were lost on Tyler.
Sheโs pretty, he was thinking, almost in surprise.ย Even all messed up. Not my usual type. Stillโฆ I should take her out. Make up for today.
I was out in the hall then, halfway to the emergency room, without thinking for one second about what I was doing. Luckily, the nurse entered the room before I couldโit was Bellaโs turn for X-rays. I leaned against the wall in a dark nook just around the corner and tried to get a grip on myself while she was wheeled away.
It didnโt matter that Tyler thought she was pretty. Anyone would notice that. There was no reason for me to feelโฆ howย didย I feel? Annoyed? Or wasย angryย closer to the truth? That made no sense at all.
I stayed where I was for as long as I could, but impatience got the best of me and I took a roundabout way to the radiology room. Sheโd already been moved back to the ER, but I was able to peek at her X-rays while the nurseโs attention was elsewhere.
I felt calmer when I had. Her head was fine. I hadnโt hurt her, not really. Carlisle caught me there.
You look better, he commented.
I just looked straight ahead. We werenโt alone, the halls full of orderlies and visitors.
Ah, yes.ย He stuck her X-rays to the lightboard, but I didnโt need a second look.ย I see. Sheโs absolutely fine. Well done, Edward.
The sound of my fatherโs approval created a mixed reaction in me. I would have been pleased, except that I knew he would not approve of what I was going to do now. At least, he would not approve if he knew my real motivations.
โI think Iโm going to go talk to herโbefore she sees you,โ I murmured
under my breath. โAct natural, like nothing happened. Smooth it over.โ All acceptable reasons.
Carlisle nodded absently, still looking over the X-rays. โGood idea.
Hmm.โ
I looked to see what had his interest.
Look at all the healed contusions! How many times did her mother drop her?ย Carlisle laughed to himself at his joke.
โIโm beginning to think the girl just has really bad luck. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.โ
Forks is certainly the wrong place for her, with you here.
I flinched.
Go ahead. Smooth things over. Iโll join you momentarily.
I walked away quickly, feeling guilty. Perhaps I was too good a liar if I could fool Carlisle.
When I got to the ER, Tyler was mumbling under his breath, still apologizing. The girl was trying to escape his remorse by pretending to sleep. Her eyes were closed, but her breathing was not even, and now and then her fingers would twitch impatiently.
I stared at her face for a long moment. This was the last time I would see her. The fact triggered an acute aching in my chest. Was it because I hated to leave any puzzle unsolved? That did not seem enough of an explanation.
Finally, I took a deep breath and moved into view.
When Tyler saw me, he started to speak, but I put one finger to my lips. โIs she sleeping?โ I murmured.
Bellaโs eyes snapped open and focused on my face. They widened momentarily, and then narrowed in anger or suspicion. I remembered that I had a role to play, so I smiled at her as if nothing unusual had happened this morningโbesides a blow to her head and a bit of imagination run wild.
โHey, Edward,โ Tyler said. โIโm really sorryโโ
I raised one hand to halt his apology. โNo blood, no foul,โ I said wryly.
Without thinking, I smiled too widely at my private joke.
Tyler shivered and looked away.
It was amazingly easy to ignore Tyler, lying no more than four feet from me, his deeper wounds still oozing blood. Iโd never understood how Carlisle was able to do thatโignore the blood of his patients in order to treat them. Wouldnโt the constant temptation be so distracting, so
dangerous? But nowโฆ I could see how, if you were focusing on something elseย hardย enough, the temptation would be nothing at all.
Even fresh and exposed, Tylerโs blood had nothing on Bellaโs.
I kept my distance from her, seating myself on the foot of Tylerโs mattress.
โSo, whatโs the verdict?โ I asked her.
Her lower lip pushed out a little. โThereโs nothing wrong with me at all, but they wonโt let me go. How come you arenโt strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?โ
Her impatience made me smile again. I could hear Carlisle in the hall now.
โItโs all about who you know,โ I said lightly. โBut donโt worry, I came to spring you.โ
I watched her reaction carefully as my father entered the room. Her eyes went round and her mouth actually fell open in surprise. I groaned internally. Yes, sheโd certainly noticed the resemblance.
โSo, Miss Swan, how are you feeling?โ Carlisle asked. He had a wonderfully soothing bedside manner that put most patients at ease within moments. I couldnโt tell how it affected Bella.
โIโm fine,โ she said quietly.
Carlisle clipped her X-rays to the lightboard by the bed. โYour X-rays look good. Does your head hurt? Edward said you hit it pretty hard.โ
She sighed and said โItโs fineโ again, but this time impatience leaked into her voice. She glowered once in my direction.
Carlisle stepped closer to her and ran his fingers gently over her scalp until he found the bump under her hair.
I was caught off guard by the wave of emotion that crashed upon me.
I had seen Carlisle work with humans a thousand times. Years ago, I had even assisted him informallyโthough only in situations where blood was not involved. So it wasnโt a new thing to me, to watch him interact with the girl as if he were as human as she was. Iโd envied his control many times, but that was not the same as this emotion. I envied him more than his control. I ached for the difference between Carlisle and meโthat he could touch her so gently, without fear, knowing he would never harm her.
She winced, and I twitched in my seat. I had to concentrate for a moment to regain my relaxed posture.
โTender?โ Carlisle asked.
Her chin jerked up a fraction. โNot really,โ she said.
Another small piece of her character fell into place: She was brave. She didnโt like to show weakness.
Possibly the most vulnerable creature Iโd ever seen, and she didnโt want to seem weak. A chuckle slid through my lips.
She shot another glare at me.
โWell,โ Carlisle said, โyour father is in the waiting roomโyou can go home with him now. But come back if you feel dizzy or have trouble with your eyesight at all.โ
Her father was here? I swept through the thoughts in the crowded waiting room, but I couldnโt pick his subtle mental voice out of the group before she was speaking again, her face anxious.
โCanโt I go back to school?โ
โMaybe you should take it easy today,โ Carlisle suggested. Her eyes flickered back to me. โDoesย heย get to go to school?โ
Act normal, smooth things overโฆ ignore the way it feels when she looks me in the eye.โฆ
โSomeone has to spread the good news that we survived,โ I said. โActually,โ Carlisle corrected, โmost of the school seems to be in the
waiting room.โ
I anticipated her reaction this timeโher aversion to attention. She didnโt disappoint.
โOh no,โ she moaned, and put her hands over her face.
I liked that Iโd finally guessed right. That I was beginning to understand her.
โDo you want to stay?โ Carlisle asked.
โNo, no!โ she said quickly, swinging her legs over the side of the mattress and sliding down until her feet were on the floor. She stumbled forward, off-balance, into Carlisleโs arms. He caught and steadied her.
Again, the envy flooded through me.
โIโm fine,โ she said before he could comment, faint pink in her cheeks.
Of course, that wouldnโt bother Carlisle. He made sure she was balanced, and then dropped his hands.
โTake some Tylenol for the pain,โ he instructed. โIt doesnโt hurt that bad.โ
Carlisle smiled as he signed her chart. โIt sounds like you were extremely lucky.โ
She turned her face slightly, to stare at me with hard eyes. โLucky Edward happened to be standing next to me.โ
โOh, well, yes,โ Carlisle agreed quickly, hearing the same thing in her voice that I heard. She hadnโt written her suspicions off as imagination. Not yet.
All yours, Carlisle thought.ย Handle it as you think best.
โThanks so much,โ I whispered, quick and quiet. Neither human heard me. Carlisleโs lips turned up a tiny bit at my sarcasm as he turned to Tyler. โIโm afraid thatย youโllย have to stay with us just a little bit longer,โ he said as he began examining the superficial lacerations left by the shattered windshield.
Well, Iโd made the mess, so it was only fair that I had to deal with it.
Bella walked deliberately toward me, not stopping until she was uncomfortably close. I remembered how I had hoped, before all the chaos, that she would approach me. This was like a mockery of that wish.
โCan I talk to you for a minute?โ she hissed at me.
Her warm breath swept across my face and I had to stagger back a step. Her appeal had not abated one bit. Every time she was near me, it triggered all my worst, most urgent instincts. Venom flowed in my mouth, and my body yearned to strikeโto wrench her into my arms and crush her throat to my teeth.
My mind was stronger than my body, but only just.
โYour father is waiting for you,โ I reminded her, my jaw clenched tight.
She glanced toward Carlisle and Tyler. Tyler was paying us no attention at all, but Carlisle was monitoring my every breath.
Carefully, Edward.
โIโd like to speak to you alone, if you donโt mind,โ she insisted in a low voice.
I wanted to tell her that I did mind very much, but I knew I would have to do this eventually. I might as well get on with it.
I was full of so many conflicting emotions as I stalked out of the room, listening to her stumbling footsteps behind me, trying to keep up.
I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would playโI had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel.
It went against all my better impulsesโthe human impulses that Iโd clung to through so many years. Iโd never wanted to deserve trust more than in this moment, when I had to destroy all possibility of it.
It made it worse to know that this would be the last memory she would have of me. This was my farewell scene.
I turned on her.
โWhat do you want?โ I asked coldly.
She cringed back slightly from my hostility. Her eyes turned bewildered, her face shifting into the very expression that had haunted me.
โYou owe me an explanation,โ she said in a small voice. What little color she had drained from her ivory skin.
It was very hard to keep my voice harsh. โI saved your lifeโI donโt owe you anything.โ
She flinchedโit stung like acid to watch my words hurt her. โYou promised,โ she whispered.
โBella, you hit your head, you donโt know what youโre talking about.โ Her chin came up then. โThereโs nothing wrong with my head.โ
She was angry now, and that made it easier for me. I met her glare, arranging my face so it was colder, harder.
โWhat do you want from me, Bella?โ
โI want to know the truth. I want to know why Iโm lying for you.โ What she wanted was only fairโit frustrated me to have to deny her. โWhat do youย thinkย happened?โ I nearly growled.
Her words poured out in a torrent. โAll I know is that you werenโt anywhere near meโTyler didnโt see you, either, so donโt tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was going to crush us bothโand it didnโt, and your hands left dents in the side of itโand you left a dent in the other car, and youโre not hurt at allโand the van should have smashed my legs, but you were holding it up.โฆโ Suddenly, she clenched her teeth together and her eyes were glistening with unshed tears.
I stared at her, my expression thoroughly derisive, though what I really felt was awe; she had seen everything.
โYou think I lifted a van off you?โ I asked, elevating the level of sarcasm in my tone.
She answered with one stiff nod.
My voice grew more mocking. โNobody will believe that, you know.โ
She made an effort to control her emotionsโher anger, it looked like. When she answered me, she spoke each word with slow deliberation. โIโm not going to tell anybody.โ
She meant itโI could see that in her eyes. Even furious and betrayed, she would keep my secret.
Why?
The shock of it ruined my carefully designed expression for half a second, and then I pulled myself together.
โThen why does it matter?โ I asked, working to keep my voice severe. โIt matters to me,โ she said intensely. โI donโt like to lieโso thereโd
better be a good reason why Iโm doing it.โ
She was asking me to trust her. Just as I wanted her to trust me. But this was a line I could not cross.
My voice stayed callous. โCanโt you just thank me and get it over with?โ โThank you,โ she said, and then she fumed in silence, waiting.
โYouโre not going to let it go, are you?โ โNo.โ
โIn that caseโฆโ I couldnโt tell her the truth if I wanted toโฆ and Iย didnโtย want to. Iโd rather she made up her own story than know what I was, because nothing could be worse than the truthโI was an undead nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel. โI hope you enjoy disappointment.โ
We scowled at each other.
She flushed pink and ground her teeth again. โWhy did you even bother?โ
Her question wasnโt one that I was expecting or prepared to answer. I lost my hold on the role I was playing. I felt the mask slip from my face, and I told herโthis one timeโthe truth.
โI donโt know.โ
I memorized her face one last timeโit was still set in lines of anger, the blood not yet faded from her cheeksโand then I turned and walked away from her.