Sydney
I close the door to Ridgeโs car and follow Warren up the stairs toward the apartment. Neither of us said a word to each other on the drive home from the hospital. The rigidness in his jaw said all he needed to say, which was, more or less,ย Donโt speak to me. I spent the drive with my focus out the window and my questions lodged in my throat.
We walk into the apartment, and he tosses his keys onto the bar as I shut the door behind me. He doesnโt even turn around to look at me as he stalks off toward his bedroom.
โGoodย night,โ I say. I might have said it with a little bit of sarcastic bite, but at least Iโm not screaming, โScrew you, Warren!โ which is kind of what I feel like saying.
He pauses, then turns around to face me. I watch him nervously, because whatever heโs about to say to me isnโt โgood night.โ His eyes narrow as he tilts his head, shaking it slowly. โCan I ask you a question?โ he finally says, eyeing me with curiosity.
โAs long as you promise never again to begin a question by asking whether or not you can propose a question.โ
I want to laugh at my use of Ridgeโs comment, but Warren doesnโt even crack a smile. It only makes things much more awkward. I shift on my feet. โWhatโs your question, Warren?โ I say with a sigh.
He folds his arms over his chest and walks toward me. I swallow my nervousness as he leans forward to speak to me, barely a foot away. โDo you just need someone to fuck you?โ
Breathe in, breathe out. Expand, contract.
Beat beat, pause. Beat beat, pause.
โWhat?โ I say, dumbfounded.ย Iโm positive I didnโt hear him right.
He lowers his head a few inches until heโs at eye level with me. โDo you just need someone toย fuckย you?โ he says, with more precise enunciation this time. โBecause if thatโs all it is, Iโll bend you over the couch right now and fuck you so hard youโll never think about Ridge again.โ He continues to stare at me, cold and heartless.
Think before you react, Sydney.
For several seconds, all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. Why would he say that? Why would he say something so disrespectful to me? This isnโt Warren. I donโt know who this asshole is standing in front of me, but it definitely isnโt Warren.
Before I allow myself time to think, I react. I pull my arm back, then make four punches my lifetime average as my fist meets his cheek.
Shit. That hurt.
I look up at him, and his hand is covering his cheek. His eyes are wide, and heโs looking at me with more surprise than pain. He takes a step back, and I keep my eyes focused hard on his.
I grab my fist and pull it up to my chest, pissed that Iโm going to have another hurt hand. I wait before going to the kitchen to get ice for it, though. I might need to hit him again.
Iโm confused by his obvious anger toward me for the past twenty-four hours. My mind rushes through anything I could have said or done to him that would make him feel this much hatred toward me.
He sighs and tilts his head back, pulling his hands through his hair. He gives no explanation for his hateful words, and I try to understand them, but I canโt. Iโve done nothing to him to warrant something that harsh.
Maybe thatโs his problem, though. Perhaps the fact that Iโve done nothing to himโorย withย himโis whatโs pissing him off like this.
โIs this jealousy?โ I ask. โIs that whatโs making you this evil, wretched excuse for a human being? Because I neverย sleptย with you?โ
He takes a step forward, and I immediately back up until I fall down onto the couch. He bends down, bringing himself to my eye level.
โI donโt want toย screwย you, Sydney. And I am definitely not jealous.โ He pushes himself away from the couch. Away from me.
Heโs scaring the living shit out of me, and I want to pack my suitcases and leave tonight and never, ever see any of these people again.
I begin crying into my hands. I hear him sigh heavily, and he drops down onto the couch beside me. I pull my feet up and turn my knees away from him, curling into the far corner of the couch. We sit like this for several minutes, and I want to stand up and run to my room, but I donโt. I feel as if Iโd have to ask permission, because I donโt even know if I have a room here anymore.
โIโm sorry,โ he finally says, breaking the silence with something other than my crying. โGod, Iโm sorry. I just . . . Iโm trying to understand what the hell youโre doing.โ
I wipe my face with my shirt and glance at him. His face is a jumbled mixture of sadness and sorrow, and I donโt understand anything heโs feeling.
โWhat is your problem with me, Warren? Iโve never been anything but nice to you. Iโve even been nice to your bitch of a girlfriend, and believe me, that takes effort.โ
He nods in agreement. โI know,โ he says, exasperated. โI know, I know, I know. Youย areย a nice person.โ He laces his fingers together and stretches his arms out, then brings them back down with a heavy sigh. โAnd I know you have good intentions. You have a good heart.ย Andย a pretty good right swing,โ he says, grinning slyly. โI guess thatโs why Iโm so mad, though. I know you have a good heart, so why in the hell havenโt you moved out yet?โ His words hurt me more now than the vulgar ones he spit at me five minutes ago.
โIf you and Ridge wanted me gone this bad, why did you both wait until this weekend to tell me?โ
My question seems to catch Warren off-guard, because his eyes cut to mine briefly before he looks away again. He doesnโt answer that question, though. Instead, he begins to prepare one of his own. โHas Ridge ever told you the story of how he met Maggie?โ he asks.
I shake my head, completely confused by the direction this conversation has taken.
โI was seventeen, and Ridge had just turned eighteen,โ he says. He leans back against the couch and stares down at his hands.
I recall Ridge saying he began dating Maggie when he was nineteen, but I keep silent and let him continue.
โWe had been dating for about six weeks, and . . .โ
Scratch that thought. Can no longer keep silent. โWe?โ I ask hesitantly. โAs in you andย Ridge?โ
โNo, dumbass. As in me andย Maggie.โ
I try to hide my shock, but he doesnโt look at me long enough to even see my reaction.
โMaggie was my girlfriend first. I met her at a fund-raising event for children who were deaf. I was there with my parents, who were both on the committee.โ He pulls his hands behind his head and leans against the couch.
โRidge was with me the first time I saw her. We both thought she was the most beautiful thing we had ever laid eyes on, but, fortunately for me, my eyes landed on her about five seconds before his did, so I called dibs. Of course, neither one of us expected to actually have a chance
with her. I mean, youโve seen her. Sheโs incredible.โ He pauses for a moment, then props a leg on the table in front of us.
โAnyway, I spent the whole day flirting with her. Charming her with my good looks and my killer body.โ
I laugh, but only out of courtesy.
โShe agreed to go on a date with me, so I told her Iโd pick her up that Friday night. I took her out, made her laugh, took her back home, and kissed her. It was great, so I asked her out again, and she agreed. I took her out for a second date, then a third date. I liked her. We got along well; she laughed at my jokes. She also got along with Ridge, which scored major points in my book. The girl and the best friend have to get along, or one of the two will suffer. Luckily, we all got along great. On our fourth date, I asked her if she wanted to make it official, and she agreed. I was stoked, because I knew she was by far the hottest girl Iโd ever dated or everย wouldย date. I couldnโt let her slip away, especially before I was able to go all the way with her.โ
He laughs. โI remember saying that to Ridge the same night. Told him if there was one girl on this earth I needed to devirginize, it was Maggie. Told him Iโd go on a hundred dates with her if thatโs what it took. He turned his head to me and signed, โWhat about a hundred andย one?โ I laughed, because I didnโt understand what the hell Ridge meant. I didnโt understand at the time that he liked her the way he did, and I never really understood all the little gems he would spout. Still donโt. Looking back on the whole situation and the way he would sit there and have to listen to the punk-ass things I said about her, Iโm surprised he didnโt punch me sooner than he did.โ
โHe punched you?โ I ask. โWhy? Because you talked about screwing her?โ
He shakes his head, and a look of guilt washes over him. โNo,โ he says quietly. โBecause Iย didย screw her.โ
He sighs but continues. โWe were staying the night at Ridge and Brennanโs. Maggie spent a lot of time over there with me, and we had been dating for about six weeks. I know thatโs not long in virgin weeks, but itโs a damn eternity in guy weeks. We were lying in bed together, and she told me she was ready to go all the way, but before she would have sex with me, there was something she needed to tell me. She said I had a right to know, and she wouldnโt feel right continuing a relationship until I was fully informed. I remember panicking, thinking she was about to tell me she was a dude or some shit like that.โ
He glances at me and raises an eyebrow. โBecause letโs be honest, Syd. There are some really hot transvestite-looking dudes out there.โ
He laughs and looks straight ahead again. โThatโs when she told me about her illness. Told me about the statistics . . . the fact that she didnโt want children . . . the reality of how much time she had left. She said she wanted to lay the truth out for me because it wouldnโt be fair to anyone who saw something long-term with her. She said the likelihood of her making it to the age of forty or even thirty-five was small. She said she needed to be with someone who understood that. Someone who accepted that.โ
โYou didnโt want that responsibility?โ I ask him.
He shakes his head slowly. โSydney, I didnโt care about the responsibility. I was a seventeen-year-old guy, in bed with the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and all she was asking me to do was agree to love her. When she mentioned the words โfutureโ and โhusbandโ and not wanting kids, it took all I had not to roll my eyes, because in my head, those were a lifetime away. I would be with a million girls before then. I didnโt know how to think that far ahead, so I just did what I thought any guy would do in that situation. I reassured her and told her that her illness didnโt matter to me and that I loved her. Then I kissed her, took off her clothes, and took her virginity.โ
He hangs his head in what looks like shame. โAfter she left the next morning, I was bragging to Ridge about finally getting to bang a virgin. Probably went into way too much detail. I also mentioned the conversation we had beforehand and told him all about her illness. I was brutally honest with him to a fault sometimes. I told him that her whole situation kind of freaked me out and that I was going to give it two weeks before I broke up with her so I wouldnโt look like such a douche. Thatโs when he beat the living shit out of me.โ
My eyes widen. โGood for Ridge,โ I say.
Warren nods. โYeah. Apparently, he liked her a whole lot more than he let on, but he just kept his mouth shut and allowed me to make an ass of myself for the whole six weeks I dated her. I should have caught on about how he felt, but Ridge is a lot more selfless than I am. He would have never done anything to betray what we had, but after that night, he lost a whole lot of respect for me. And that hurt, Sydney. Heโs like my brother. I felt like I had disappointed the one person I looked up to the most.โ
โSo you broke up with Maggie, and Ridge started dating her?โ
โYes and no. We had a long conversation about it that afternoon, because Ridge is big on sharing his thoughts and shit. We agreed we had to honor the bro code, and it wouldnโt really be good for us if he picked up and started dating a girl I had just screwed. But he liked her. He liked her a lot, and even though I knew it was hard for him, he waited until the term ended before he asked her out.โ
โThe term?โ
Warren nods. โYeah. Donโt ask where we came up with it, but we agreed twelve months was a decent length of time before the bro code became null. We figured enough time would have passed, and if he wanted to ask her out after a year, it wouldnโt be so weird. By that time, she might have dated other people and wouldnโt be going straight from my bed into Ridgeโs. As much as I could have tried to be cool about it, it would have been too weird. Even for us.โ
โDid Maggie know how he felt about her? During the twelve months?โ
Warren shakes his head. โNo. Maggie never even knew he liked her like he did. He liked her so much he didnโt go on a single date for the entire twelve months I made him wait. He had the date circled on a calendar. I saw it once in his room. He never mentioned her, never asked about her. But Iโll be damned if the day that year was up, he wasnโt knocking on her front door. And it took her a while to come around, especially knowing she would have to interact with me. But things eventually worked themselves out. She ended up with the right guy in the end, thanks to Ridgeโs persistence.โ
I exhale. โWow,โ I say. โTalk about devotion.โ
He turns his head toward mine, and our eyes meet. โExactly,โ he says firmly, as if I just summed up his whole point. โI have never in my life met another human being with more devotion than that man. Heโs the best damn thing thatโs ever happened to me. The best thing thatโs ever happened to Maggie.โ
He pulls his feet up onto the couch and faces me full-on. โHeโs gone through hell and back for that girl, Sydney. All the hospital stays, driving back and forth to take care of her, promising her the world, and giving up so much of himself in return. And she deserves it. Sheโs one of the purest, most selfless people Iโve ever met, and if there are two people who deserve each other in this world, itโs the two of them.
โSo when I see how he looks at you, it pains me. I saw the way the two of you watched each other at the party the other night. I saw the jealousy in his eyes every time you spoke to Brennan. Iโve never seen
him struggle with his choice or the sacrifices heโs made for Maggie until you showed up. Heโs falling in love with you, Sydney, and I know you know that. However, I also know his heart, and heโll never leave Maggie. He loves her. He would never do that to her. So seeing him torn apart because of the way he feels about you and knowing his life is with Maggie, I just donโt understand why youโre still here. I donโt understand why youโre putting him through that much pain. Each day youโre still here and I see him looking at you the same way he used to look at Maggie, it makes me want to shove you out the damn door and tell you to never come back. And I know thatโs not your fault. Iย knowย that. Hell, you didnโt even know the half of what heโs going through until tonight. But now you do. And as much as I love you and think youโre one of the coolest damn chicks Iโve ever met, I also never want to see your face again. Especially now that you know the truth about Maggie. And forgive me if this is harsh, but I donโt want you getting it into your head that the love you have for Ridge will be enough to hold you over until the day Maggie dies. Because Maggie isnโt dying, Sydney. Maggieโsย living. Sheโll be around a lot longer than Ridgeโs heart could ever survive you.โ
My head rolls forward into my hands as the sobs erupt from my chest. Warrenโs arm folds over my back, and he pulls me against him. I donโt know who Iโm crying for right now, but my heart hurts so much I just want to rip it from my fucking chest and throw it over Ridgeโs balcony, because thatโs where this whole mess began.
Ridge
Maggie has been asleep for a couple of hours now, but Iโve yet to sleep. Thatโs usually how it is when Iโm with her in the hospital. After five years of sporadic stays, Iโve learned itโs much easier not to sleep at all than it is to get a half-ass couple of hours.
I open my laptop and pull up my messages to Sydney, then send her a quick hello to see if sheโs online. We havenโt had a chance to discuss the fact that I asked her to move out, and I hate not knowing if sheโs okay. I know itโs wrong to be messaging her at this point, but it seems even more wrong to leave things unsaid.
She returns my message almost immediately, and the tone of it already relieves some of my worry. I donโt know why I always expect sheโll respond unreasonably, because sheโs never once shown a lack of maturity or regard for my situation.
Sydney: Yeah, Iโm here. Howโs Maggie?
Me: Sheโs good. Sheโll be discharged this afternoon. Sydney: Thatโs good. Iโve been worried.
Me: Thank you, by the way. For your help last night.
Sydney: I wasnโt much help. I felt like I was in the way more than anything.
Me: You werenโt. Thereโs no telling what could have happened if you hadnโt found her.
I wait a moment for her to respond, but she doesnโt. I guess weโve reached the point in this conversation where one of us needs to bring up what we both know must be discussed. I feel responsible for this entire situation with her, so I bite the bullet and lay it out there.
Me: Do you have a minute? I really have some things Iโd like to say to you.
Sydney: Yes, and likewise.
I glance up at Maggie again, and sheโs still asleep in the same position. Having this conversation with Sydney in her presence, as innocent as it is, makes me uneasy. I take my laptop and walk out of the hospital room and into the empty hallway. I sit on the floor beside the door to Maggieโs room and reopen my laptop.
Me: The main thing Iโve appreciated about our time together over the last couple of months is the fact that weโve been upfront and consistent with each other. With that being said, I donโt want you to leave with the wrong idea about why I need you to move out. I donโt want you to think you did anything wrong.
Sydney: I donโt need an explanation. Iโve more than worn out my welcome, and you have enough to stress about without adding me into the mix. Warren found an apartment for me this morning, but it isnโt available for a few days. Is it okay if I stay here until then?
Me: Of course. When I said I needed you to move, I didnโt literally mean today. I just meant soon. Before things become too hard for me to continue to walk away.
Sydney: Iโm sorry, Ridge. I didnโt mean for any of this to happen.
I know sheโs referring to the way we feel about each other. I know exactly what she means, because I didnโt mean for it to happen, either. In fact, Iโve done everything I could to stop it from happening, but somehow my heart never got the message. If I know it wasnโt intentional on my part, I know it wasnโt intentional on her part, so she has nothing to apologize for.
Me: Why are you apologizing? Donโt apologize. Itโs not your fault, Sydney. Hell, Iโm not even sure itโsย myย fault.
Sydney: Well, usually when something goes wrong, someone is at fault.
Me: Things didnโt go wrong with us. Thatโs our problem. Things are way too right between us. We make sense. Everything about you feels so right, butโ
I pause for a few moments to gather my thoughts, because I donโt want to say anything Iโll regret. I inhale, then type out the best way to describe how I feel about our entire situation.
Me: There isnโt a doubt in my mind that we could be perfect for each otherโs life, Sydney. Itโs our lives that arenโt perfect for us.
Several minutes pass without a response. I donโt know if I crossed the line with my comments, but however sheโs reacting to them, I needed to
say what I had to say before I could let her go. Iโm beginning to close my laptop when another message pops up from her.
Sydney: If thereโs one thing Iโve learned from this whole experience, itโs that my ability to trust wasnโt completely broken by Hunter and Tori like I initially thought. Youโve always been upfront with me about how you feel. Weโve never skirted around the truth. If anything, weโve worked together to find a way to change our course. I want to thank you for that. Thank you so much for showing me that guys like you actually exist, and not everyone is a Hunter.
She somehow has a way of making me sound so much more innocent than I actually am. Iโm not nearly as strong as she thinks I am.
Me: Donโt thank me, Sydney. You shouldnโt thank me, because I failed miserably at trying not to fall in love with you.
I swallow the lump forming in my throat and hit send. Saying what Iโve just said to her fills me with more guilt than the night I kissed her. Words can sometimes have a far greater effect on a heart than a kiss.
Sydney: I failed first.
I read her last message, and the finality of our imminent good-bye hits me full-force. I feel it in every single part of me, and Iโm shocked at the reaction Iโm having to it. I lean my head against the wall behind me and try to imagine my world before Sydney entered it. It was a good world. A consistent world. But then she came along and shook my world upside down as if it were a fragile, breakable snow globe. Now that sheโs leaving, it feels as if the snow is about to settle, and my whole world will be upright and still and consistent again. As much as that should make me feel at ease, it actually terrifies me. Iโm scared to death that Iโll never again feel any of the things I felt during the little time sheโs been in my world.
Anyone who has made this much of an impact deserves a proper good- bye.
I stand and walk back into Maggieโs hospital room. Sheโs still asleep, so I walk over to her bed, give her a light kiss on the forehead, and leave her a note explaining that Iโm heading to the apartment to pack a few things before sheโs released.
Then I leave to go and give the other half of my heart a proper good- bye.
โข โข โข
Iโm outside Sydneyโs bedroom door, preparing to knock. Weโve said everything that needs to be said and even a lot that probably shouldnโt have been said, but I canโt not see her one last time before I go. Sheโll be gone by the time I get back from San Antonio. I have no plans to contact her after today, so the fact that I know this is definitely good-bye is pressing on the walls of my chest, and it fucking hurts like hell.
If I were to look at my situation from an outsiderโs point of view, I would be telling myself to forget about Sydneyโs feelings, that my loyalty should lie solely with Maggie. I would be telling myself to leave and that Sydney doesnโt deserve a good-bye, even after all weโve been through.
Is life really that black-and-white, though? Can a simple right or wrong define my situation? Do Sydneyโs feelings not count in this mix somewhere despite my loyalty to Maggie? It doesnโt seem right just to let her go. But itโs unfair to Maggieย notย to just let her go.
I donโt know how I ever got myself into this mess to begin with, but I know the only way to end it is to break off all contact with Sydney. I knew the moment I held her hand last night that there wasnโt a flaw in the world that could have stopped my heart from feeling what it was feeling.
Iโm not proud of the fact that Maggie doesnโt make up all of my heart anymore. I fought it. I fought it hard, because I didnโt want it to happen. Now that the fight is finally coming to an end, Iโm not even sure if Iโm winning or losing. Iโm not even sure which side Iโm rooting for, much less which side I was on.
I knock lightly on Sydneyโs door, then place my palms flat against the doorframe and look down, half of me hoping she refuses to open it and half of me restraining myself from breaking down the damn door to get to her.
Within seconds, weโre face-to-face for what I know is the last time. Her blue eyes are wide with fear and surprise and maybe even a small amount of relief when she sees me standing in front of her. She doesnโt know how to feel about seeing me here, but her confusion is comforting. Itโs good to know Iโm not alone in this, that weโre both sharing the same mixture of emotions. Weโre in this together.
Sydney and me.
Weโre just two completely confused souls, scared of a much unwanted yet crucial goodbye.