It’s the first time I’ve seen my doctor since she walked out of my hospital room—right before I bailed. The first half of my appointment today was spent apologizing to her and promising to take things more seriously from now on. The second half of my appointment was spent with different specialists. When you have Cystic Fibrosis, your team comes to you in one central location, as it’s not safe to sit in the different waiting rooms for each specialist. It’s one of the things I love about my doctor that I didn’t get the full benefits of while living in San Antonio. I really do feel like my health will be easier to maintain now that I’m back in Austin. I just have to quit letting my frustration over this illness win out over my will. Which is hard, because I’m very easily frustrated.
I’ve been gone most of the day, but when I pull back up to the apartment, I’m surprised to see Ridge’s car here. He’s been staying at Sydney’s the majority of the week. Today is Friday, and I was supposed to move tomorrow, but it’s been pushed back to Sunday. I’m sure Ridge will be happy to have his own bed again.
Or not. I doubt he’s all that upset about spending so much time at Sydney’s.
When I open the living room door, they’re both on the couch. Ridge is holding a book in front of him, his feet propped up on the coffee table. Sydney is leaning against him, looking at the words on the pages as he reads aloud.
Ridge is reading. Out loud.
I stare at them for a moment. He struggles with a word, and Sydney makes him look at her as she sounds it out for him. She’s helping him pronounce the words out loud. It’s such an intimate moment, I want to be anywhere else when I close the door and gain Sydney’s attention. She looks up and then sits up straight, putting a little distance between herself and Ridge. I notice. So does he, because he stops reading and follows Sydney’s gaze until he sees me.
“Hey.” I smile and set my purse on the bar.
“Hi,” Sydney says. “How was the appointment?”
I shrug. “Overall, it was good. But I spent most of it being scolded.” I grab a water out of the refrigerator and then head toward the bedroom I’m staying in. “I deserved it, though.” I walk to my room and close the door. I fall down onto the bed because it’s the only thing in here. There isn’t even a dresser or a TV or a chair. Just me and a bed and a living room I feel slightly uncomfortable in.
Not because Ridge is in there with Sydney. I honestly don’t mind seeing them together. The only thing that bothers me about it is that seeing them together reminds me of Jake, and I feel a sting of jealousy that it’s not me and Jake cuddled together on a couch somewhere. I feel like Ridge and Sydney fit together in a way that’s similar to how Jake and I fit together. Or could have fit together.
It’s interesting to me, looking back, just how wrong Ridge and I were for each other. And it isn’t at all because anything is necessarily wrong with us as individuals. We just didn’t bring out the best sides of each other. Not like Sydney does with him. I mean, he’s sitting on a couch, reading to her. And he’s doing it because it’s his way of perfecting his speaking voice. That’s not a side of him I ever brought out. Or even encouraged. We’ve had conversations in the past about why he doesn’t verbalize, but he always just shrugged it off and said he didn’t like doing it. I never asked for a deeper explanation than that.
I remember the day I was in the hospital and found all the messages between him and Sydney. I didn’t read them all in that moment because I honestly didn’t want to. I was hurt and a little blindsided. But once I made it home, I read every word. More than once. And the conversation that hurt me the most was when Ridge explained to Sydney where the band Sounds Of Cedar got its name.
The reason it hurt so much is because I realized, in all the years we’d been dating, I’d never once asked Ridge where the band name came from. And because of that, I’d never known exactly how much he’d done for Brennan when they were younger.
There was a lot I read that I once wished I’d never read between the two of them. Between all the iMessages and Facebook messages, I sat there for hours reading. But reading all of it also made something very clear to me: There was so much more to Ridge than I was aware of. There were things he shared with Sydney over a short period of knowing her that he never once shared with me over a six-year stretch. And that wasn’t because Ridge was hiding anything from me about himself or his past, or lying in any way. There were just things about both of us we never dug deep enough to figure out. It occurred to me that maybe we didn’t share those things because they were sacred to us. And you only share the really sacred stuff with the people who
reach you on that deep of a level.
I didn’t reach Ridge on the level that Sydney did. And Ridge didn’t reach
me.
I ultimately decided to end our relationship because of their connection.
Not because they had formed it…but because Ridge and I never had.
People are supposed to bring out the best in each other. I didn’t bring out the best in Ridge. He didn’t bring out the best in me. But seeing Sydney on the couch with him just now, helping him… She brings out the best in him.
I noticed how she pulled away from him a little when she realized I was in the room with them. It bothers me that she felt she needed to do that. I want her to know that their physical affection is not something they should feel obligated to hide on my account. I actually, in a weird way, like seeing how much they like each other. It gives me even more reassurance that I made the right choice by not allowing Ridge to use my illness as a reason to stay with me.
I stand up and make my way back to the living room. The only thing that’s going to alleviate the awkwardness when we’re all in a room together is to force us all to be in a room together even more. Hiding in my bedroom isn’t going to get us anywhere.
Sadly, Ridge is no longer on the couch with Sydney when I walk back into the living room. She’s in the kitchen, rummaging through a cabinet. Ridge is no longer in the room.
I walk to the bar and take a seat, watching Sydney. “What are you guys doing tomorrow?” I ask her.
She spins around and her hand is over her heart. “You scared me.” She laughs and closes the cabinet. “I think we all planned to help you move tomorrow, so the day is open now that you aren’t moving until Sunday.”
“What do you mean we all? Is Warren off tomorrow too?”
She nods. “Bridgette, too. Although I don’t think she was actually going to help with the move.”
I laugh. “I would have been shocked if she did.”
“True. Why are you asking?” Sydney says. “Do you have something in mind?”
I shrug. “Nothing specific. I just thought… I don’t know. Maybe it would be good for all of us if we spent more time together. Now that…well…”
Sydney nods, like she’s been thinking the same thing. “Now that the dynamics have changed and it’s hella awkward?”
“Yep. That.”
Sydney laughs and then leans forward on the counter in thought. “Maybe we could do the cave thing. In Georgetown.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of lunch,” I admit. “I don’t expect you guys to spend your entire Saturday with me.”
“The caves sound really fun, though.”
I tilt my head, watching her for a sign that she’s just saying that to be polite. Sometimes she seems too nice and too accommodating, to the point that it makes me suspicious. But I also get nothing but an authentic vibe from her. Maybe some people just don’t stoop to the same levels of jealousy that others do. As if Sydney can sense the suspicion in my expression, she continues speaking.
“Remember the night of Warren’s birthday party?”
I nod. “You mean the night I thought your bra was cute and stupidly wanted Ridge to see it?”
Sydney cringes a little. “That’s the night,” she confirms. She looks down at her hands, clasped together on the counter in front of her. “I had a lot of fun with you that night, Maggie. I really did. At the time, I thought there was a chance we’d end up becoming friends, and it excited me because I really needed a friend after what Tori did to me. But then I kind of ruined that opportunity when I broke girl code and kissed your boyfriend.” She looks up at me. “I’ve always hated that I ruined what I really do think could have been a good friendship between us. And now, months later, here we are again. And for whatever reason, you’re extending an olive branch. So, yes, lunch tomorrow sounds good. But I also really want to see the caves, so if you can find it in yourself to extend an entire olive tree, then I think it’ll be fun.”
She looks nervous as she waits for my answer. I don’t make her wait long, because I don’t want her to feel nervous. Or awkward or guilty or anything else this girl doesn’t deserve to feel. I smile at her. “You didn’t ruin anything by breaking girl code, Sydney.”
My words make her smile. “Bet you don’t bring guys around me ever again, though. And I would completely understand.”
“I’m done with guys,” I say with a laugh. “Especially after what I did to the last one.”
Sydney’s eyebrow rises in curiosity, and I suddenly realize I spoke more than I should have. I don’t want to talk about Jake, but based on the look she’s giving me right now, she wants details.
“Is this your one-night stand?”
I nod. I was honestly surprised she didn’t ask me about it when she was modifying my bucket list the other day. “Yeah. His name is Jake. I freaked out on him.”
“Why?”
“He cooked me breakfast.”
Sydney shoots me a look of mock horror. “Oh, how dare him,” she says.
I laugh at her sarcasm and then cover my face with my hands. “I know. I know, Sydney. And I tried to rectify it a couple of days later but then ended up in the hospital and found out he has a kid, and I don’t know… It just felt
stupid of me to try and pursue him at that point.” “Why? Because you hate kids?”
“No. No, not at all. I was in my hospital room, and I could hear him outside talking to his son on the phone, and it all just felt so real in that moment. Like not only would this guy—who is really awesome and smart and funny—be entering my life, but so would his kid, who sounded like a great kid, and I just… I got scared.”
“Of what?”
I sigh. That’s a good question, because even I’m confused as to why I kept pushing him away. “I think my fears flipped on me somewhere along the way. I told myself that I didn’t want to break his heart or become his burden. But in all honesty, I’m more scared that he’ll break mine. It hit me when I realized how much I liked him that maybe most people aren’t as committed as Ridge and aren’t willing to put up with what a relationship with me would entail. I became terrified that he would end up being the one to walk away, so I did it first. Maybe I didn’t want things with him to end badly. I don’t know. I question my choice every single day.”
Sydney regards me silently for a moment. “If you had the chance, knowing yours and Ridge’s relationship came to an end, would you take back the six years you spent with him?”
I don’t even need a second to answer her. I shake my head. “No. Of course not.”
Sydney lifts her shoulder in a knowing shrug. “If things ended badly between you and this Jake guy, I doubt you would take back the time you spent with him, either. We shouldn’t revolve our lives around their possible endings. We should revolve our lives around the experiences that lead to the endings.”
It’s quiet for a while.
Her words stick with me. Cling to me. Absorb into my skin.
She’s right. And while it’s been my goal to try to live life without focusing on the ending, that’s exactly what I keep reverting to. Especially when it comes to Jake. I don’t know why I’ve been telling myself that I can’t do both
—experience my life to the fullest and allow myself to experience another relationship. It’s not like I can only have one and not the other.
“Maybe you should give him another chance,” Sydney suggests.
I let my head fall back with a sigh. “This poor guy,” I say. “I’m gonna give him whiplash with as much as I’ve gone back and forth with him.”
Sydney laughs. “Well, make sure you only go forth with him from now on, and not back.”
I take a deep breath and then stand up. “Okay. I’m going to call him.”
Sydney smiles, and I try to ignore my nerves as I walk back to my bedroom. I pull out my phone and open up my contacts. My hand begins to
shake as I select his number. I lean against my bedroom door and close my eyes after I press his contact and put the phone on speaker.
It rings twice and then is immediately pushed through to voicemail.
He just pushed me through to voicemail.
It’s a crushing blow, but one I probably deserve. I wait for his voice.
“Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Jacob Griffin. Please leave a detailed message and I’ll return your call as soon as I’m available.”
I wait for the beep. And then I stutter my way through.
“Hey, Jake. It’s Maggie. Carson. Um…call me if you can. Or if you want, rather. If not, I understand. I just…yeah. Okay. Bye.”
As soon as I hang up, I groan and then fall onto my mattress. I can’t believe he pushed me through to voicemail. But then again, I can. And now the only thing he has that could change his mind is a nervous, embarrassing voicemail he’s probably listening to right now.
I wallow in self-pity for a few moments, but then I push myself off the bed and walk to the living room. Sydney is still at the bar, but Ridge is now back in the room. He’s showing her something on his phone, but Sydney gives her attention to me as soon as I walk out of my bedroom. I wave off her curiosity.
“He pushed me through to voicemail.”
She makes a face. “Oh. Maybe he’s busy?”
I shake my head and fall down onto the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. “Or maybe he realizes what a psycho I am for kicking him out of my house before he even finished cooking the bacon.”
“Yeah, that could be a possibility as well,” Sydney says.
I throw my arm over my face and try to come up with all the reasons why Jake isn’t worthy of this much regret.
I come up with nothing. He is absolutely worthy of my regret.
•••
It’s been two hours. I’ve showered, put on my pajamas, and have looked at my phone five thousand times. Ridge left to go pick up dinner for everyone. Bridgette and Warren are here now and are actually sitting on the couch with me. Warren is in the middle, and Bridgette is on the other side of Warren. I’m playing Toy Blast on my phone, but not because I’m interested in the game. I’m just obsessed with staring at my phone screen now. Waiting. Hoping.
“Lesbian Libidos?” Warren asks. “Not even close,” Bridgette says.
I glance over at him, wondering why the hell he keeps spouting off weird titles that sound like porn. He’s scrolling through a list on his phone.
“Babes in Bali?”
Bridgette actually laughs at that one. “If I got to go to Bali to film a porn, I wouldn’t be working at Hooters.”
Warren turns to her. “Wait,” he says. “How long have you worked at Hooters? Is it a Hooters-related porn?”
Okay, now I’m staring at both of them. What in the hell are they talking about?
Sydney is at the kitchen table doing homework. Apparently she senses my confusion because she offers up an explanation. “Bridgette kissed a girl in a porn film, and she refuses to tell Warren the name of it so that he can watch it. It’s become his life mission.”
Wow. “That explains so much,” I say.
Warren looks at me. “How many porn movies do you think are filmed every year?”
I shrug. “I wouldn’t even know how to make a guess.” “A fucking lot. That’s how many.”
I nod and then give my complete focus back to Toy Blast. I don’t even want to think about how much porn Warren feels forced to watch.
There’s a quick knock at the front door before it swings open. Brennan walks in and I immediately jump up, excited to see him. I don’t think I’ve seen him since Warren’s birthday party.
“Maggie?” He immediately wraps his arms around me and hugs me, then puts his hands on my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length. “What are you doing here?”
I wave my hand toward Bridgette’s old bedroom. “I’m staying a few days until my apartment is ready.”
He shakes his head. “Apartment? Where? Here?” His confusion is genuine. It surprises me Ridge hasn’t mentioned it to him. He glances over at the table and sees Sydney. He releases my shoulders and takes a step back, eyeing me. Then he looks around the room. “Where’s Ridge?”
“He went to grab dinner,” Warren says. “Tacos. Nom nom.”
I walk back to the couch to reclaim my seat and immediately check my phone for missed calls, even though the ringer is on. Nothing. I look back up at Brennan who is scratching his head in confusion. He’s literally scratching his head. It makes me laugh.
“You’re moving into the same complex as Ridge?” he asks. Then he looks at Sydney. “And you’re okay with that?” He looks back at me. “What is happening?”
I look at Sydney, and she’s fighting a smile. “Welcome to maturity, Brennan,” Sydney says.
“Breasts of Burden?” Warren asks Bridgette. We all look at him. He shrugs innocently. “Hey, I’m not the mature one. Don’t look at me.”
Ridge walks through the door with tacos, and Brennan immediately
forgets about the odd arrangement that just threw him for a loop, and Warren is off the couch with a one-track mind that has nothing to do with porn movies.
Tacos can alleviate pretty much any issue. I’m convinced of that now.
I’m making my plate when my phone starts to ring. “Oh, my God,” I whisper.
Sydney is standing next to me. “Oh, my God,” she says.
I rush to the living room. Jake’s name is flashing across the screen. I look at Sydney, wide-eyed. “It’s him.”
“Answer it!” she yells.
I look down at the phone. “Who is it?” Bridgette asks.
“A guy Maggie likes. She didn’t think he’d call back.”
I look at Bridgette, and she’s looking at me expectantly now. “Well, answer it,” she says, waving at my phone, annoyed with me.
“Maggie, answer it!” Sydney says. I love how she sounds just as nervous as I am.
I swallow my nerves, clear my throat and then slide my finger across the screen.
I walk toward the bedroom, slip inside, and close the door. “Hello?” It doesn’t matter that I cleared my throat before I said that. My voice still shakes with my nerves.
“Hi.”
I let my head fall back against the bedroom door when I hear his voice. I feel it in every part of me.
“Sorry I put you through to voicemail earlier,” he says. “I was in a meeting. Forgot to silence my phone.”
His admission makes me smile. At least it wasn’t because he was annoyed that I called.
“It’s okay,” I say. “How have you been?” He sighs. “Good. I’m good. You?”
“Also good. I moved to Austin a few days ago, so I’ve been busy.”
“You moved?” he asks, not expecting that response from me. “That’s… unfortunate.”
I walk over to my bed and sit down. “Not really. I have a rule against dating anyone in the same zip code, so it’s a good thing. Keeps things from becoming overwhelming.”
He laughs. “Maggie, I’m too busy to be overwhelming, even if we lived on the same street.”
“I don’t think you can help but be a little overwhelming, Jake. We’ve had sex. You’re hardly underwhelming.”
I expect him to laugh, but he doesn’t. His voice is quiet when he says,
“I’m glad you called.”
“Me, too.” I lie back on my bed, pressing a hand to my stomach. I haven’t been this nervous talking to a guy…ever. I don’t know how to process all the things his voice does to my stomach, so I just press my hand against it as if that will somehow calm the storm brewing inside me.
“I can’t talk long,” he says. “I’m still at work. But I want to say something before I go.”
I blow out a quiet breath, preparing for the impact of his rejection. “Okay,” I whisper.
He sighs heavily. “I feel like you don’t know what you want. You agree to go out with me, but you tell me on our date you don’t want to see me for a second time. But then we have an entire night of incredible sex. Then you kick me out the next morning before I’m even finished cooking breakfast. A few days later you show up at my office, then you shoot me down the same day at the hospital. Now you’re leaving me a voicemail. I’m not asking for anything other than a little consistency. Even if that consistency is agreeing to never speak again. I just… I need consistency.”
I close my eyes, nodding to myself. He’s right. He’s so right, I’m surprised he even called me back. “I can respect that. And I can give you that.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. I like the quiet. It’s almost as if I can feel him more in the quiet. Almost half a minute goes by without either of us saying a word. “I’ve wanted to call you every day.”
Those words make me frown more than smile because I know exactly what he’s been feeling, and I don’t feel good for making him feel that way. “I’ve wanted to apologize to you every day,” I admit.
“You don’t need to apologize for anything,” he says. “You’re a woman who was certain you didn’t want a relationship with anyone. But then you met me and we had such a great night together that your feelings confused you. I like that I was the guy who put a wrinkle in your plan.”
I laugh. “You have a really unique way of looking at my extreme indecisiveness. I like it.”
“I figured you would. Listen, I have to go,” he says. “Want me to call you tonight?”
“Actually…are you busy tomorrow?”
“I have a lecture at the hospital I have to attend tomorrow. From eight to ten. But I’m free after that.”
“You’re free the whole day?” “The whole day,” he says.
I don’t know that I’ve ever asked a guy on a date before. This might be a first. “I’m going with some friends to Georgetown tomorrow. To Inner Space Cavern. You can come if you want. Or we could just do something after if
you think going to look at caves with people you’ve never met before is a little weird.”
“Won’t be weird if you’re there. I can be in Austin by noon at the latest.” I’m smiling like an idiot. “Okay. I’ll text you the address.”
“Okay,” he says. I can almost hear the smile in his voice, too. “See you tomorrow, Five Hundred.”
I stare at the phone after he ends the call, fingering my smile. How does he fill me so full of feels, even over the phone?
.They all look at me as I get to the living room and Sydney pauses mid- chew. After I grab two tacos out of the sack in the kitchen I say, “We might have to take two cars tomorrow so we’ll all fit.”
It’s all I say, but when I look over at Sydney, she’s smiling.
So is Bridgette, but her smile is a little more sinister. “This should be fun.
A shiny new toy for Warren to break in.”
I look at Warren. Then back at Bridgette. Jake is going to spend the day with these two tomorrow. The entire day.
What was I thinking?
