I‘m a complete idiot. As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, I knew I’d made a mistake. But I’m stubborn—way too stubborn to ever admit that to anyone. Now here I am a week later, without Oakley, a birth mother, and utterly miserable.
I know I should call him and tell him I made a mistake. But I can’t. I don’t know why, but I can’t bring myself to. Not right now. Because even though I regret what happened, I can’t help but think maybe it was the right thing to do.
As soon as Oakley told me he would play in the United States, my heart broke. I wasn’t ready to hear that. As selfish as it seems, I just don’t know if I could have dealt with it. Just the thought of what happened when he was in Penticton happening over and over again pains me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.
I let myself become too caught up in being with him to think about anything else. He made me forget about all the what if’s, and it ended up hurting me in the end. Like I knew it would.
“Room for one more?” Morgan asks gently, peeping around my bedroom door.
“Yeah,” I breathe and make space on my bed for her. I yank my blankets up and tuck them under my chin as Morgan gets comfy beside me.
“Have you seriously finished watching Friends in under a week?” she asks incredulously, her eyes wide.
I shrug in response, not taking my stinging eyes off of the screen. She sighs, wraps a small arm around me, and pulls me into her side. “You don’t have to go through with this, you know.”
I pull away from her slightly. I don’t want to hear this right now. “Yes, I do. It would never have worked out.”
She leans her head against mine and sighs through her nose. “How do you know that? That’s just fear talking. I thought you loved him.”
I’m taken aback by that and lift my head off her shoulder to glare at her. “Of course I do.”
She raises her eyebrow. “Then why isn’t it worth it? You know he would never do anything to hurt you. You’re worrying about nothing.”
I know she’s right. My heart aches for Oakley, I’ve just been doing a great job fighting it off since the minute he turned away from me. Hiding feelings and self-destructing are things that come naturally to me.
“It’s too late now. You should have seen his face, Morgan. He hates me,” I mumble. The look on his face when I ended our relationship flashes in my mind.
“He was hurt, Ava. Just like you were. You never know unless you try,” Morgan says quietly, surprising me. She’s not exactly Oakley’s biggest fan.
“Since when did you get so wise?” I tease, laughing for the first time in days.
She grins broadly. “What do you mean? I’ve always been this way.” That only makes me laugh harder.
 |
I press the doorbell and can’t help but laugh at the cheesy ringtone.
That’s a new one.
My dad opens the door. He looks at me, shocked.
“Ava? I didn’t know you were coming!” His eyes are wide and what looks like engine oil is smeared across his hands and forehead.
I give him a half-smile and throw my hands up into the air in exasperation. “Surprise.”
“Hey, I’m not complaining. I missed you, sweetheart.” He grins crookedly and pulls me in for a tight bear hug.
The sudden comfort takes me by surprise. It takes less than two seconds for my nose to sting and my eyes to burn. Dad moves to pull away, but my grip on him tightens. He lets out a throaty chuckle.
“You gotta let me go so we can get inside, honey. It’s freezing out here. Why did you ring the doorbell? You should have a key,” he teases, his tone light and airy.
Reluctantly, I pull away and try to push the oncoming tears away before he can spot them. “Right. I just missed you guys. Where’s mom?”
We walk through the open door and I sigh when the instant warmth radiating from the lit fireplace warms up my frozen body. I miss having a fireplace.
“Is that my baby? What a surprise!” Mom comes rushing towards us. She throws her arms around me instantly, and that is the last straw. My walls come tumbling down—fast.
Uncontrollable sobs rack through my body. I cling to my mom, wanting nothing more than to be comforted right now. A surprised “oh” spills out of her mouth, and her arms squeeze tighter around me.
“Oh, baby. I’m right here,” she murmurs in my ear. She rubs a hand up and down my back to soothe me. I catch Dad’s panicked expression over her shoulder and bury my face in her neck.
There’s something about your Mom comforting you when you need it that strips you of your defences. It’s a special feeling that only a mother can give you. It’s amazing. I didn’t realize how deprived of it I’d been until Lily hugged me for the first time so long ago.
“Mom, I messed up,” I tell her, my chest rising and falling rapidly. My throat is dry and scratchy, my head pounds, and my heart hurts so badly. Everything hurts.
Mom pulls away long enough to lead me over to the couch in front of the armchair. I sit down beside her and pull my legs up into my chest, leaning into her.
“What happened, Ava?” Her tone is warm and gentle, but inquisitive.
“I’m broken,” I say miserably and feel a hot surge of anger towards myself. “I pushed him away. What’s wrong with me?”
“You are not broken, sweetheart. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you,” she scolds, tightening her grip on my shoulders. “Tell me what happened?”
After taking a few deep breaths, I work up the strength to tell her without crying. “I got scared. Everything Dad said was right. I’m not strong
enough to wait around at home for him while he’s surrounded by everything I’m not.”
“Octavia Layton, that is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard!” Mom scolds, her tone sharp enough to cut through my quiet sobs.
“You’ve been through too much to try and convince me that you’re not enough. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. From the minute you walked into this house, I knew you were going to be trouble.” Her arm tightens around my shoulders as she lets out a chuckle. “You came waltzing through that door like you owned the damn place. I remember looking at your dad in shock. This little hotheaded fifteen-year-old girl with worn- down boots and a superiority complex that terrified me to no end was exactly who we were warned about.”
I shake my head at that. I do remember that day. It was the day that I finally agreed to meet with the family, who was apparently so eager to adopt me.
I didn’t believe my social worker and decided to give them one hell of a first impression. I shoved on my boots, lined my eyes with way too much eyeliner and even went as far as to push my septum piercing back in with hopes of scaring them away. Thankfully, it didn’t work.
The thought of it makes me laugh shakily. “I still remember the look on Dad’s face when I put my boots on the coffee table. He looked like he was going to pop a blood vessel.”
Dad hurries into the living room with my favourite mug in hand. “Do you still remember what we told you before you left that day?”
“Of course I do,” I reply gratefully and take the mug of hot chocolate from him. I take a sip of it, and warmth spreads through me, calming me instantly. They both sit silent as they wait for me to speak again.
“You said that I didn’t scare you. And that I didn’t need to be scared anymore either.” The words bring the familiar sting back to my eyes, and I force them away.
“We said that because not only did we want you to trust us, we needed you to trust us.” Mom’s voice cracks and a single tear falls down her face. “We saw the hurt inside you, but also the strength. We always knew you were something special. You have always been so brave, Ava, but you need to stop letting your fear of being abandoned control you. You found something good with Oakley. He sees what we do honey, don’t let him go.”
right.
Her words hit me hard. I flinch back at the realization that she’s
I’ve always known that Oakley wasn’t like the other guys I’ve been
with. Especially not like my last boyfriend. But I think that just made him more intimidating to me.
Knowing that he was the guy that every girl dreams of having was always sitting in the back of my mind, taunting me. But I think the only thing scarier than knowing how perfect he is, is the thought of him being perfect with someone else.
“I love you. I’m so grateful to be able to call you my family.” I smile and hug them tightly.
Maybe some things are worth the risk, just like I was.
