I spent the rest of the day in a state of barely contained panic. The headache I had been nursing since I opened my eyes had intensified to epic proportions, made worse by the constant stream of questions being thrown my way. First, by the Gardaí and then Patricia, a social worker who wanted me to think of her as a friend.
Yeah, sure she was my friend. I knew what her friendship would bring me. I wasn’t that naïve.
Darren had remained in the room the entire time the Gardaí were present, a silent watch owl, keeping guard over my tongue, making sure I didn’t mess this up. This wasn’t the first time I’d been in this position, facing the threat of authority with a family member lurking close by, making sure I knew what my role was in this. Usually, it was my father or mother standing by to make sure I minded my P’s and Q’s. Today, it had been Darren.
He didn’t need to worry. I knew my role. I had perfected it down through the years. I said all the right things, hid all the bad things, and remained silent for the ones I knew were trick questions – the ones I knew were traps.
Doctors and nurses had come and gone from my room all day, poking and prodding at me, and asking me questions they didn’t want the answers to. Disheartened, I did what I had to do to keep our mother out of trouble, wanting nothing more than to just be left alone. When they finally finished questioning me, and the nurses gave up on probing me, I felt worse than I had in a very long time.
Through it all, only one thing stood out to me, and all I could think was: I hoped Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean found the Easter Eggs in my school bag on Easter Sunday. I knew they wouldn’t have any otherwise. Dad had spent the children’s allowance money at the beginning of the month. There wouldn’t have been any money spare to set aside for eggs.
Joey didn’t come back that evening to visit me, but Mam did.
My heart sank at the sight of her.
Because I knew what was coming.
‘Hello, Shannon.’ With teary eyes and a blotchy face, she walked over to my bed and enveloped me in her arms, holding on to me like I was something of importance to her. In a way, I knew that I was, because she needed to keep me quiet. She was coddling me because she was afraid of what I might do.
She didn’t need to worry. It wasn’t her life that would be ruined if social services got involved. It would be ours.
When I didn’t reciprocate or make any move to return her hug, Mam released me and took the seat Darren had vacated when he left an hour ago. ‘How are you feeling?’
Unwilling to answer her, I remained rigid and motionless, my eyes taking in the faint bruising on her cheekbone on her gaunt face. Why do you do this to yourself? I wanted to ask, why do you let him treat you this way?
‘I spoke to your doctors,’ Mam said in a shaky tone as she fiddled with the sleeves of her oversized raincoat. ‘They’re talking about letting you come home the day after tomorrow, or maybe even tomorrow if your next round of tests look good.’
‘Home?’ I asked, giving her a blank stare. ‘Or care?‘
‘Home, Shannon.’ Mam exhaled a ragged breath and nodded. ‘You’re coming home.’ Tears filled her eyes as she spoke. ‘I’m so sorry, baby. For all of this.’
I dropped my gaze to stare at my fingers. What did she expect me to say? That it was okay and I forgave her? Nothing about our lives was okay. ‘And Dad?’ I forced myself to ask, keeping my eyes trained on my trimmed fingernails. ‘What happens now?’
‘Your father won’t be coming back.’
Lies. ‘Yeah,’ I muttered under my breath. ‘Sure.’
‘It’s true,’ Mam urged, voice thick with emotion. ‘I went to court. There’s a temporary protection order in place to stop him from contacting any of us. I-I go back to court in three weeks. My solicitor assured us that we’ll have no problem getting a permanent order against him.’
More lies. ‘Until you decide you don’t want a permanent order,’ I shot back, feeling empty inside. ‘Until you decide that you want to brush this under the table – like you always do.’
‘I mean it this time,’ she assured, voice hoarse and cracked. ‘I won’t take him back again. I won’t. Christ, look at what he did to you –’
‘What he did to me?’ I strangled out, outraged. ‘What he did to me this time, Mam.’ I blinked back the traitorous tears that were blurring my vision. ‘What he did to me this time!’
‘Baby, I’m so sorry.’
I didn’t respond.
‘Everything is going to be different from here on out.’ Her voice sounded weak, just like she was. Weak and broken and undependable. ‘Darren’s home now and he’ll help us get back on our feet. I promise it’s going to get better.’
I shook my head, furious with her words. ‘I don’t give a shit about your precious Darren,’ I spat, hating myself for crying in front of her. ‘He means nothing to me.’
‘That’s your anger talking,’ Mam choked out. ‘Not you.’
‘My anger talking?’ Blinking away my tears, I glared at her. ‘What planet are you living on, Mam? I don’t know Darren. I have nothing to do with him and I don’t want to.’
‘Shannon,’ Mam sobbed. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘Not fair? Have you even checked on Joey?’ I demanded, voice raspy. She had always been about Darren. Darren this and Darren that. Joey never got a look in. Our father was the one who had been obsessed with Joey, but again, that notion had only sparked after Darren left. Joey was simply tossed into a role no one wanted him to play, least of all Joey. ‘You haven’t, have you?’ I continued. ‘You just left him out of this. You went right ahead and made decisions about our lives with Darren – a person none of us have heard from in over half a decade – and you never once thought to ask what your son who actually stepped up and raised us might think!’ Hiccupping, I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and forced myself to continue. ‘I might be the one in a hospital bed, Mam, but Joey’s the one you and Dad both broke.’
‘He won’t speak to me,’ she sniffed. ‘He hasn’t come home in days.’
‘I wonder why,’ was all I replied.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ she choked out. ‘How can I fix this if he won’t speak to me?’
‘You can’t fix this, Mam,’ I replied, trembling. ‘It’s like that story about Humpty Dumpty. Nothing will put him back together again. Dad threw him off the wall and you lost the pieces to put him back together.’
‘Oh god.’ She dropped her head in her hands and sobbed. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘You should have seen him today,’ I said, wincing when a jolt of pain shot through me. ‘He was completely shattered.’
‘Shannon,’ Mam sobbed. Weak, weak, fucking weak. ‘Just give me a chance to make this right, baby, please.’ You can’t. You’ll never fix this. ‘I know I can turn this around for all of us.’
‘See, you’re talking, you’re saying all the right things, but it’s just words.’ Shaking my head, I lifted my gaze to hers. ‘It’s all words with you,’ I croaked out bitterly. ‘All the same words I’ve heard a million times before, to go with all the same promises you’ve repeatedly broken.’
‘So, what are you saying?’ she cried, dabbing her cheeks with a crumpled-up tissue. ‘You don’t want to be with me anymore?’
‘I’m saying that I’ll do what I need to for Ollie, Tadhg, and Sean,’ I choked out, drowning in my feelings. ‘To keep them safe and out of care, I’ll give this plan of Darren’s a chance. And I hope you’re right, Mam. I really hope you are telling the truth this time, but I hope that for the boys’ sakes, not mine. I pray that you can turn this around for them and be the mother they deserve, but it’s too late to turn this around for us.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she sobbed. ‘I’m just so sorry, Shannon. I know I can’t fix this, but I…God, I just don’t know what to do anymore.’
‘I know you’re not a bad person, Mam,’ I whispered, snatching my traitorous hand back when it moved of its own accord to comfort her. ‘And I know he hurt you, too, in ways I don’t understand, and I am sorry that happened to you. I know you were scared, and I am so sorry that you had to live in fear for all these years –’ furious with myself, I angrily swatted my tears away and exhaled slowly before continuing, ‘but that doesn’t mean you get a free pass from us.’ I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. ‘It doesn’t make it okay because you knew what he was doing, you saw it, and you did nothing. You just left us, Mam. You were there, but you weren’t. Joey was right when he called you a ghost. And I don’t know, maybe it was your way of surviving, making it through each day in one piece, but you had more power than us. You were the grown up. You were our mother. And you just…’ I shrugged helplessly. ‘Checked out on us.’
‘Do you think, in time, you’ll forgive me?’ she whispered, looking up at me with lonesome, tear-filled blue eyes. ‘Do you think you ever could?’
‘Maybe?’ I shrugged again. ‘But I know that I don’t forgive you today.’
