‘You don’t have to come with me, son,’ Dad said for the tenth time as we drove through Ballylaggin town. ‘I can turn around and take you home.’
‘I’m coming.’ I couldn’t stay at home. I needed out of that house and away from the screaming. The doctor had arrived a while ago and gave Shannon some sort of injection to sedate her. She was sleeping now, curled up in a small ball and passed out cold on my bed. I held her while the doctor took care of her, unable to let her go, until she finally gave in and let sleep take her. Mam was still in the sitting room with Darren and the younger boys. They were still weeping and sobbing their hearts out. It was too much to take and I felt like I was smothering in their grief. ‘I need to not be there right now,’ I admitted, knees bopping restlessly. I couldn’t do shit in that house, but I could help my father get Joey. Billy had called to let Dad know that Joey had shown up at the house and was understandably hysterical. He’d managed to barge his way past the authorities and make a break for the house before the firemen dragged him back out. The Gards couldn’t make any hand of him and didn’t want to arrest or restrain him. They were looking for a next of kin, someone to help him and take him away from the area, but all the Lynchs had was an eighty something year old great-grandmother – and us.
‘It’s going to be daunting,’ Dad said as he turned up the familiar hill to Shannon’s house. ‘The fire’s not out yet – and they might not have moved the bodies. Are you sure you can handle it?’
‘I’ll be fine.’
He glanced sideways at me. ‘Johnny, are you sure?’
I nodded stiffly. ‘I need to do this, Da.’
Flames, smoke, and fire were all I could see, all I could smell when my father pulled onto the street. Reality came crashing down on me as I took in the sight of Shannon’s house burning. Jesus Christ, I’d been in that house just a couple of hours ago.
Those kids…
Shannon…
A shudder rolled through me.
They could have all been burnt to death.
‘Da,’ I choked out, eyes locked on the ambulance and fire engines. ‘I had the chance to save her and I didn’t…’
‘No,’ my father replied, cutting me off as he parked the car and turned to face me. ‘You saved her children.’
‘But she was right there,’ I strangled out, shaking. ‘Right in front of me.’ I dropped my head in my hands. ‘And now they don’t have anyone.’
‘They still have us,’ Dad corrected, unfastening his seatbelt. ‘And I still have you.’ Reaching over, he grabbed my neck and forced me to look at him. ‘You could have died in that house tonight,’ he whispered. ‘I could have lost my boy –’ He pressed his forehead to mine and exhaled a ragged breath. ‘I’d throw the whole world away to keep you – them included – and I’m not sorry for it.’
‘I’m fine, Da,’ I choked out. ‘I’m okay –’
‘Then don’t do this to yourself,’ he ordered, smoothing my hair back. ‘You did everything right. You are a good man. You saved her children.’
‘I feel so responsible,’ I confessed.
‘Don’t,’ he replied, steely-blue eyes locked on mine. ‘This is not on you. This is the work of a madman.’
‘How could he do that?’ I croaked out. ‘I don’t understand…’
‘Neither do I, son,’ Dad replied. ‘And I don’t want to.’ Pressing a kiss to my brow, he leaned back and looked me straight in the eye. ‘I need to go and get Joey now,’ he said calmly. ‘You can stay in the car, Johnny. You don’t need to come with me –’
Commotion surrounding a group of Gardaí caught my attention, and we both turned to see Joey thrashing around like a maniac, throwing off a blanket they were trying to place over his shoulders. He was frantic and screaming as he tried to push and barge his way into the house. He was all on his own. The last Lynch, standing all alone. ‘My brothers and sister!’ he was screaming, as he pushed against the Gardaí holding him back. ‘Let me the fuck in!’
‘There’s no one else inside.’
‘You’re wrong!’ he roared. ‘My brothers and sister are upstairs! They’re inside that house. You have to let me get them. I left them! I left them in there with her!’
‘Ah shit,’ Dad muttered, as he climbed out of his Mercedes and jogged towards the house. ‘Joey? It’s alright, lad.’
‘I left them in there!’ he continued to scream. ‘Get your fucking hands off me, you dirty pig –’
‘Ah, shite.’ Unfastening my seatbelt, I shoved the car door open and rushed for the house. Ducking under the tape, I moved straight for my girlfriend’s brother, slipping past the authorities trying to stop me. ‘Joe, it’s okay –’
‘Kav,’ he strangled out, noticing me. ‘I fucking left them in there.’ Tears were dripping down his soot stained cheeks as he broke free from a Garda’s hold and ran straight for me. ‘You have to help me get them out,’ he panted, eyes wild, and clothes covered in soot and smoke stains. ‘I walked out – I got pissed and left – but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave them, so I came back, but the house was – and my mother…fuck, Shannon…Tadhg! Nobody’s listening to me –’
‘I have them, Joey,’ I snapped at him, desperate to get him to hear me. ‘I got them out.’
‘You have them –’ His voice cracked. ‘You got them out?’
I nodded, shaking. ‘Ollie, Tadhg, Sean, and Shannon.’
‘Shit… Darren.’ Panic filled his eyes and he bolted towards the house once more. ‘My brother’s still in there –’
‘No, he’s at my house, too,’ I choked out, dragging him back to me. ‘They’re all there. I swear to god, lad, all of your brothers and Shannon are at my place right now.’ Wrapping my arms around him, I held him back as I whispered, ‘They’re safe.’
A ragged breath tore from his throat and he sagged against me.
‘You both need to get out of here,’ a fireman barked. ‘It’s not safe.’
‘We’re going,’ I strangled out, backing away with Joey in my arms. ‘Come on, lad –’ My breath caught in my throat when my gaze landed on the body bags being wheeled into the back of an ambulance. I spun us both around, desperately trying to block the image out of both my head and his. ‘You don’t need to watch this.’
‘This is my fault,’ he whispered.
‘No.’ Shaking my head, I hauled him back under the tape and moved straight for my father’s car. ‘It’s not.’ Flicking my gaze up to meet Dad’s, I gestured for him to climb in. ‘This is his fault, Joey. Not yours.’
‘I was high,’ he choked out. ‘I lost my head and walked out on them.’
‘And if you stayed, you’d have been passed out in your bed,’ I barked. ‘Darren wouldn’t have been out trying to find you, Shannon wouldn’t have been awake to call me, and you all would have burned to death in your sleep!’
‘Jesus Christ,’ he hissed, stiffening in my arms. ‘My mother –’
‘This is not on you,’ I practically snarled in his ear as I hauled him into the backseat of my father’s car and climbed in beside him. ‘So don’t you dare let that bastard get in your head!’
Sinking down on the seat, Joey tipped his head back and closed his eyes, still as a statue and silent as a ghost.
‘You didn’t do this,’ I repeated, leaning over to fasten his seatbelt. ‘He did this.’
‘Joey,’ Dad said from the driver’s seat as he started the engine and pulled away from the house. ‘You’re going to come home with us now, okay?’
He started to shake violently, but didn’t respond. Keeping his eyes clenched shut, Joey placed his hands on his knees to steady himself.
‘We’re going to take care of you,’ Dad continued, keeping his voice calm and steady. ‘And that’s not me asking you, son – that’s me telling you.’
‘I should have been here,’ he whispered, trembling. ‘It’s my job to keep them safe.’
‘They are safe.’ Reaching over, I slung an arm around his shoulders. ‘And so are you.’
‘No.’ He shook his head and I watched as a tear trickled down his cheek. ‘It was my job to keep her safe.’
‘They’re going to hate me,’ Joey hissed, backing away from the sitting room door when we finally managed to coax him from the car into the house. ‘I can’t do it. They’re going to blame me –’
He spun around to leave, but my father clamped his hands down on his shoulders, forcing him to keep eye contact with him. ‘Nobody could hate you,’ Dad coaxed, keeping ahold of Joey for fear he would run. It was a very big possibility with this guy. He was a flight risk. ‘And no one is blaming you for anything.’
‘Get off –’ Breaking free from my father’s hold, he heaved violently. ‘I don’t want you to touch me.’
‘It’s okay,’ Dad replied calmly. ‘You’re safe.’
‘I fucked it all,’ he strangled out, gripping his hair with his hands. ‘I fucked it all.’
‘Then we’ll fix it,’ Dad replied. ‘I can help you, Joey, but you need to let me.’
‘I don’t need your help,’ he choked out. ‘I just need –’ He glanced around wildly, looking cornered and frightened. Backing up a couple of steps, he ran a hand through his sooty hair and asked, ‘Where’s Shan?’ Shaking, he looked around once more, clearly agitated and frightened. ‘Where’s my sister?’
‘She’s upstairs sleeping,’ I told him, trying to keep my voice steady. ‘In my room. You can go up to her if you want, lad,’ I coaxed, edging closer to him with my hands up. ‘Whatever you want to do –’
‘Don’t touch me,’ he spat, batting at my father’s hand when he reached for him. Looking startled, he shook his head and hissed, ‘Just…just stay back.’
‘Joey, it’s okay,’ I coaxed, closing the space between us. ‘You’re okay –’
‘Don’t fucking touch me!’ he hissed again, shoving at my chest. ‘I don’t want –’
The sitting room door swung open before he had a chance to finish his sentence and my mother appeared in the doorway. ‘Oh, Joey, love,’ Mam sobbed, moving straight for Joey. Not stopping until her hands were cupping his cheeks, my mother looked up at him. ‘Oh, my poor sweetheart,’ she soothed, pulling his head down to rest on her shoulder. ‘Come here to me.’
Holding my breath, I watched him warily, praying that he didn’t do anything in this moment to make me have to hurt him. If he lashed out at my mother, grief stricken or not, I would lose my bleeding mind.
Exhaling a ragged breath, he slumped against her, arms shooting out to clutch her tightly. ‘What am I going to do?’
‘I’m here,’ Mam whispered in his ear as she stroked his hair and rubbed his back. ‘Shh, I’m right here for you, Joey, love.’
‘You came back,’ Ollie sobbed as he came running out of the sitting room. ‘Tadhg! Joey’s here.’ Mam stepped aside just as Ollie threw himself at his brother. ‘I knew you’d come back,’ he cried. ‘I told them all.’
‘O-ee,’ Sean wailed, toddling into the hallway with his hands out. ‘O-ee!’
Sinking to his knees on the hallway tiles, Joey scooped his baby brother into his arms. ‘I’m sorry, Seany-boo.’ Sniffling, he hooked an arm around Ollie and held both boys to his chest. ‘I’m so sorry, Ol.’
‘Mammy’s in heaven,’ Ollie cried. ‘The Gards said Daddy took her away.’
Sniffing, Joey nodded and pulled them closer. ‘It’s okay.’
Mam buried her face in my father’s chest, sobbing quietly. ‘Shh,’ Dad whispered, wrapping an arm around her. ‘It’s okay, baby.’
‘But she’s gone,’ Ollie wept. ‘Gone to heaven without us.’
‘Mammy,’ Sean cried. ‘Mammy gone.’
‘She’s not gone, guys,’ Joey whispered, sniffling. ‘She’s just an angel now instead.’
‘An angel?’ Ollie sniffled, looking up at Joey. ‘With wings?’
‘Yeah. Big, beautiful wings,’ he choked out, wiping his cheek against his shoulder. ‘A special angel just for you.’
‘Daddy?’ Sean asked, looking wary. ‘Ow, ow.’
‘Daddy’s all gone,’ Joey promised. ‘No more ow, Sean.’
‘Mammy’s an angel?’ Ollie whispered, sounding almost reverent. ‘Wow.’
‘Yeah, and she’s watching you right now,’ Joey continued to speak in a low, hushed voice to his brothers. ‘She doesn’t want to see you crying. That would m-make her sad. You need to be h-happy–’ his voice broke off and he dragged in several sharp breaths before continuing, ‘Think happy thoughts, okay?’
‘You left.’ Tadhg’s sharp voice came from the sitting room doorway. Tears dripped down his cheeks as he stared at Joey, jaw jutting out. ‘You fucking left us!’
‘Leave him alone,’ Ollie defended, sniffling. ‘He’s back now.’
‘O-ee, no go,’ Sean croaked out. ‘O-ee stay with Sean.’
‘I know,’ Joey choked out, voice trembling, as he stared back at his brother. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I hate you!’ A small sob of pain tore from Tadhg’s throat, and then he was running, barreling against Joey, folding himself up in his big brother’s arms. ‘I fucking hate you,’ Tadhg sobbed as he clung to Joey. ‘I hate you so much.’
‘I know.’ Clenching his eyes shut, Joey held all three boys against him. ‘Me, too.’
‘You found him,’ Darren said, voice thick with emotion and relief, as he stood in the doorway where Tadhg had just been, eyes locked on my father. ‘Thank you.’ Staggering forward, he hesitated for the briefest moment before couching down beside his brothers. ‘Hey, Joe.’
‘Hey, Dar,’ Joey whispered, green eyes glued to his brother.
‘You okay?’
Joey shook his head and his face contorted in pain.
‘Look at me –’ Cupping his face in his hands, Darren pressed his forehead to Joey’s and exhaled a ragged breath. ‘You did more for her than anyone else.’
Joey clenched his eyes shut. ‘I didn’t do enough –’
‘You did,’ Darren corrected, voice hoarse and raspy. ‘You are the reason they survived as long as they did. Not me or anyone else. Just you.’
Tears trickled down his cheeks. ‘No, I should have been there –’
‘You,’ he repeated. ‘You couldn’t have done anything more.’
Silently, Mam and Dad ushered Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean back into the sitting room, giving Darren and Joey some privacy.
‘I left them,’ Joey strangled out, dropping his head on Darren’s shoulder. ‘I did that to them. Me. I walked away.’
‘You didn’t leave anyone,’ Darren whispered, smoothing his hand over his brother’s head. ‘You just took a time-out.’
‘I’m in trouble, Darren,’ he squeezed out through sobs. ‘I’ve got a problem and I can’t stop.’
‘I know,’ Darren soothed, holding onto him. ‘We’ll get you some help, Joe. I promise.’
‘He did it,’ Joey choked out, crying hard now. ‘He finally finished her off –’ His voice cracked and he heaved a huge sob. ‘Jesus Christ, he burned her alive…’
The sound of a car engine came from outside and I spun around and moved shakily for the door. I couldn’t be in here. I couldn’t listen to their pain another second. Yanking the front door open, I practically ran out into the night, staggering away from the house in my bid to get some clarity.
When my eyes landed on the silver Ford Focus parking up outside, and the familiar blond head climbing out, I felt my body give out beneath me.
‘I’ve got you, Johnny,’ Gibsie said, wrapping his arms around me just before I collapsed in a heap. ‘I’m right here, lad,’ he whispered, lowering us both to the gravel. ‘Let it out.’
So, I did.
‘You saved their lives, Johnny,’ Gibsie stated when I’d managed to compose myself enough to tell him what had happened. We were sitting, side by side, in our old, battered treehouse down the back field from my house, looking out as the sun rose over the mountains. ‘All of them.’
‘You should have seen the baby, lad. He was soaked in whiskey.’ Shuddering, I hooked my arms around my knees and swallowed down a scream. ‘At the time, I didn’t even think about it – I just thought that drunk bastard spilled his drink on him or something.’ I shook my head, feeling lost and bewildered. ‘It didn’t click in my mind, Gibs.’
‘Why would it?’ he replied, mirroring my actions. ‘Who does something like that?’
‘Him,’ I muttered, still reeling.
Gibsie sighed heavily. ‘Are they all in your house now?’
‘Yeah, they’re inside with my folks. I just… I had to get out and get some breathing space.’ I shrugged helplessly. ‘It’s too upsetting.’
‘You did good, Johnny,’ he replied quietly.
‘She was right there,’ I choked out, eyes filling with tears. ‘Looking right in my eyes. I told her I would come back for her.’ I clenched my eyes shut and shuddered at the memory. ‘She looked resigned, Gibs. Like she knew.’
‘She probably did know, lad,’ he told me. ‘And you must have given that lady some serious peace. Seeing her kids getting out? Knowing that they would be safe? You gave that to her, lad. She couldn’t go anywhere. She knew that. The whole place was rigged to blow. If she had tried to leave with you and he lit that match, you’d have all burned to death before you had a chance to blink– you and Sean included.’
‘Why would he do that?’ I hissed, shivering at the realization of how close to death I’d come. ‘Why would anybody do that, Gibs?
‘I don’t know, Johnny,’ he replied.
‘It doesn’t make any sense,’ I strangled out.
‘No,’ he agreed with a heavy sigh. ‘It doesn’t.’
‘I’m so freaked out,’ I confessed, biting down on my lip. ‘I keep thinking, what if he turned around when we were in the hall?’ I shivered again. ‘What the hell would have happened to those kids –’
‘But that didn’t happen because you got them out,’ Gibsie reminded me. ‘You’re all safe, lad.’
‘She got them out, too.’ I turned to face him. ‘She helped me, lad, and I know that sounds fucked up, but she did. It was like she was…willing me to get them out of the house.’ I shuddered. ‘And once I did? She just turned around and went back to him. She… sacrificed herself for those kids. For me…’
‘Shit,’ he whispered.
‘Yeah.’ I nodded. ‘Shite.’
We sat in silence for several minutes before Gibsie finally rose from his feet and moved for the ladder. ‘I better make tracks,’ he said. ‘My Mam will be in meltdown mode.’
‘Gibs?’
‘Yeah, lad?’
‘Don’t go home yet, okay?’
He paused on the ladder, hands clasping the wooden frame, and I watched as a multitude of emotions flashed across his features. Finally, he climbed back up and reclaimed the space beside me. ‘You know, if you wanted to watch the sun come up with me, you only had to say, lad,’ he mused, nudging my shoulder with his.
‘Yeah,’ I choked out a hollow laugh. ‘That’s what it is.’
