At first, I was numb, completely and utterly numb as my mind tried to digest the words, the images, the unknown. Then, a tingling sensation swept through my body, attacking every nerve ending inside of me, making every limb tremble violently. But it was the pain that was the most unbearable. It came last, and drowned me in jagged, crushing, life-altering torment. My heart couldn’t take the pressure and I was certain it would stop beating. It didn’t and that surprised me. I was surprised to be still alive having had my heart cut clean open. I wasn’t stabbed in the back. I was stabbed in the front, in the chest, right through the middle. And unlike a blade, the damage felt like buckshot, splaying and splicing me in countless areas and so many irreparable ways. How it was still beating was truly beyond me.
I couldn’t think about him without a surging attack of grief and anger washing over me, drowning me in my bitterness.
I wasn’t sure if I was still screaming because I couldn’t hear my own voice anymore. Someone had come into the house and hurt me. Poked me with something sharp. At least, that’s what it felt like. The person stabbing me told me that it was okay, that I was such a brave girl, and this would make me feel better. I didn’t listen to that voice. Instead, I concentrated on the deep timbre of his voice as he sang the words of The Beatles’ Here Comes The Sun in my ear over and over. Sagging against Johnny, I closed my eyes, feeling woozy, and tried to breathe through it – as I tried to find a way to survive the godawful hemorrhaging of my heart, and the annihilation it had taken at the hands of my father. My sanity had certainly slipped. Delirious and grief-stricken, my mind continued to whizz around and haunt me with the truth.
They were dead.
They were both dead.
‘Mammy,’ I slurred brokenly, not even recognizing my own voice now. ‘My Mam –’
‘You’re my little darling,’ Johnny whispered. His large hand cupped the back of my head as he held me to his chest, slowly rocking our bodies. ‘My little darling is safe with me.’
The familiar smell of his bedroom was all around me then, but that didn’t make sense. How were we in his bedroom? I was just in my bedroom? Everything was dark and I couldn’t figure any of this out. ‘Shh,’ Johnny whispered, laying me down on something soft and warm. ‘I’m right here.’
Trembling, I clung to his body, feeling the floor dip beneath me. Or maybe it was a mattress. I couldn’t be sure of anything anymore. Shivering in his arms, I closed my eyes and breathed him in. ‘Mammy.’
‘Shh,’ he whispered over and over, holding me so close to his chest that I could feel his heart banging against my cheek. ‘Just close your eyes.’ I felt his lips against my hair. ‘I’ll be here watching over you.’
‘You’re always doing that,’ I slurred, feeling drowsy and numb. Everything was slipping away from me. I couldn’t keep ahold of my thoughts. I felt like I was falling away. Like a warm and enticing darkness was trying to cloak me. ‘My mind is going on me.’
‘Let it go,’ he whispered. ‘You don’t need it tonight.’
Nestling closer, I held onto him, feeling numb and bone weary. ‘I might be dying.’
‘You’re not dying.’ His arms tightened around me. ‘You’re just sleepy.’
‘Joey…’ I tried to blink, but my eyes wouldn’t open back up. ‘Joey’s…all gone…’
‘I’ll find him,’ Johnny whispered. ‘I’ll bring him back for you.’
‘You…promise?’ I croaked out, feeling a thick wave of exhaustion sweep through me.
‘I promise,’ were the last words I heard Johnny say before I stopped clinging on and let the darkness take me away.
