I was surprised at how I could remain so calm when I was having a nervous breakdown on the inside. When I told my parents what had happened, Dad instructed me to act normal with Shannon and her brothers while he went inside with Mam to call the Gardaí. The realization of what I’d done was hitting me hard, and the smell of alcohol wafting off the tiny child in my arms was bringing with it terrible fucking thoughts. I knew I had to go back for their mother. I promised her I would. Every instinct in my body was screaming at me to go back to that house right now, but for once in my life, I was trying to do what my father had asked by keeping my head and letting the Gardaí deal with it.
With Sean in one arm and Shannon tucked under the other, I led them into the sitting room, where Dad was re-lighting the fire. It humbled me to see how incredibly resilient these kids were. They’d just been through something that would rattle a grown man – myself included – and yet here they were; just accepting the hand they’d been dealt, bouncing back up and getting on with it. Just like I’d seen their sister do on countless occasions. Jesus, they were the ultimate survivors.
‘Whoa,’ Ollie, who had run down from the kitchen with a bowl of ice-cream in hand, gasped and skidded to a halt in the middle of the sitting room. ‘That’s like a cinema.’ He pointed to the flat screen mounted to the wall over the fireplace and nudged his brother. ‘Look at the size of it.’
‘I have eyes,’ Tadhg shot back, too interested in the bowl of ice-cream he was scarfing down. ‘And what do you expect? They’re loaded.’
‘Are we allowed to say that?’ Ollie asked, looking up at his brother. ‘Call them rich?’
Tadhg shrugged. ‘It’s true, isn’t it?’
‘No, you’re not allowed to say that,’ Shannon choked out, looking mortified, as she walked over to her brothers and glared at them. ‘Now have some manners and thank Mrs. Kavanagh for the ice-cream.’
‘Thanks, Dellie,’ Ollie chimed.
‘Yeah,’ Tadhg mumbled, flushing a little as he looked up at my mother. ‘Thanks for this, Edel.’
‘You’re more than welcome, boys,’ Mam replied, voice hoarse as she walked into the sitting room. ‘And, Shannon, love, call me Edel.’
‘Sorry, Mrs. Kavanagh,’ Shannon mumbled, flustered. ‘I mean – Edel.’
‘Alright, boys,’ my father said, waving the remote control of the television in his hand. ‘What are we watching? We have all the channels.’
‘Score!’ Tadhg cheered and dove for the couch. ‘Can I pick?’
‘No, no, me,’ Ollie begged, racing after Tadhg. ‘Please, John. Me, me –’
‘Me, me,’ Tadhg mimicked, gleaming in victory when Dad handed him the remote. ‘Thanks, John.’ Turning to Ollie, he smirked. ‘Sit down, kid. You’ll get your turn when you’re up against Sean.’
Huffing out a sigh, Ollie sank down on the couch beside him and shoved a spoon of ice-cream into his mouth. ‘It’s no fair being younger.’
‘Yeah, well, that’s how it feels for me with Shannon and Joey,’ Tadhg shot back, unaffected. ‘Deal with it.’
‘And Darren,’ Ollie offered. ‘He’s the oldest.’
Tadhg snorted. ‘He doesn’t count.’
Ollie turned to look at his brother. ‘Does Joey still count?’
Tadhg nodded stiffly. ‘For now.’
‘Okay.’ Nodding in acceptance, Ollie turned to watch the television as Tadhg channel surfed with my father.
‘Are you alright, Shannon, love?’ Mam asked in a low tone, eyes glued to my girlfriend’s scratched-up face.
Shannon blushed and nodded. ‘I’m fine, thanks.’ Tucking her hair behind her ear, she moved to walk back to me, but quickly stopped herself short and stiffened, looking uncertain. ‘I’m just, ah…’ Glancing around at her brothers, she exhaled a ragged breath. ‘I’m really very sorry for bringing my trouble to your door again, Mrs. Kavanagh.’ Shoulders sagging, she whispered, ‘I just didn’t know what else to do.’
‘Oh, pet, come here to me –’ Mam walked straight over to her and pulled her into her arms. My mother wasn’t a tall woman at 5’4, but she still dwarfed Shannon who was barely 5’0. ‘You’re going to be okay,’ I heard Mam whisper in her ear as Shannon remained rigid. ‘I’m going to take care of all of you.’
Shuddering, Shannon slowly relaxed and hugged my mother back. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry, love. You did everything right tonight.’ Pressing a kiss to Shannon’s head, Mam pushed her hair off her face, cupped her small face between her hands, and smiled down at her. ‘You and your brothers are going to stay with us for the night. We’ll get everything straightened up in the morning, okay?’
Shannon nodded weakly. ‘Thank you so much for your help.’
‘I’m very proud of you for calling,’ Mam continued to say. ‘I know you must have been scared, and it was very brave of you to make that phone call when you knew what might happen.’
‘Do you think my Mam is okay?’ Shannon whispered, gaze flicking nervously to the boys and then back to Mam before landing on me. ‘I shouldn’t have left her there.’
‘I’m sure she’s fine, love. Why don’t you sit down with your brothers and Johnny can go and put the tea on for me?’ Mam suggested, steering the conversation away from her mother. ‘And I’ll –’ Walking over to me, Mam tickled Sean’s toes and grinned up at his lonesome face. ‘Give this gorgeous boy a wash?’ Smiling at Sean, she stroked his cheek. ‘Hmm? What do you say, Seany baby? Will we get you all cleaned up?’
‘Good idea, Sean,’ Shannon encouraged, voice thick with emotion. ‘But I don’t have any clothes for him.’ Blushing furiously, she whispered, ‘And he still, uh…he tends to have accidents when he’s nervous.’
‘Not to worry,’ Mam replied, still smiling at Sean. ‘There’s plenty of boxes of Johnny’s old clothes in the attic.’
‘What do you say, bud?’ I asked Sean. ‘Are you going to go for a nice bath and wash that stinky booze off ya?’
Sean looked up at me for a long moment before nodding and leaning his body towards my mother.
‘Oh, you’re such a good boy,’ Mam coaxed, cuddling him close to her chest as she trailed out of the sitting room. ‘Oh, and you give the best hugs.’
My father’s phone began to ring then. ‘Two minutes, lads,’ he said, standing up from where he’d been sitting between Ollie and Tadhg, refereeing their battle of the remote. ‘I’ll just take this.’ As he walked past me, he inclined his head for me to follow him.
‘I’ll be two minutes,’ I whispered, kissing Shannon’s forehead. ‘Okay?’
Shivering, she wrapped her arms around herself and nodded. ‘O-okay.’
I walked over to the door only to hesitate and turn back. ‘Shan?’
She looked up at me with a lost expression. ‘Yeah, Johnny?’
‘I love you.’
Relief flashed in her big, blue eyes and she smiled back at me.
‘I love you,‘ Tadhg mimicked from the couch. Not taking his eyes off the television, he made loud kissing noises before snorting loudly. ‘Lad, you are so whipped.’
‘Ugh,’ Ollie snickered. ‘I bet he kisses her with tongues, too.’
‘That’s our sister, you little creep,’ Tadhg grumbled. ‘I don’t want to be thinking about Shannon’s tongue in Johnny’s mouth.’
‘Is that how it works?’ Ollie asked, sounding appalled. ‘They put their tongues in each other’s mouths?’
‘Yeah.’
Ollie frowned. ‘For what?’
‘They probably do a lot worse than that, Ol,’ Tadhg muttered. ‘It’s disgusting but whatever.’
‘They do?’ Ollie’s eyes widened. ‘Like what?’
‘Uh, you should probably stop asking questions now,’ Tadhg muttered, nudging Ollie in the ribs.
‘Yes, you should definitely stop asking questions, Ollie,’ Shannon strangled out, red-faced, as she hurried over to her brothers and sank down on the couch between them. ‘Tadhg, don’t tell him anything else.’
‘I can’t believe you let him stick his tongue in your mouth,’ Ollie accused, gaping at his sister. ‘What is wrong with you?’
‘I don’t do that,’ Shannon snapped, flustered. ‘He’s joking, right, Tadhg?’
‘She does,’ Tadhg countered. ‘I saw them cracking on outside the house.’
‘Tadhg!’
‘They were steaming up the windows of his car,’ Tadhg snickered. ‘Oh – and she snuck him in her bedroom on Saturday night, too. He was there all night long.’
‘What? I didn’t know Johnny had a sleepover,’ Ollie replied, sounding puzzled. ‘You never said.’
‘That’s because she was too busy,’ Tadhg chuckled. ‘She was all ‘oh, Johnny, yes! Please!‘
‘I was not,’ Shannon spluttered. ‘You little liar.’
‘Kiss me, touch me, hold me, love me,’ Tadhg mocked in a girlish voice. ‘Mwah, mwah, mwah. Yes, I love your rugby balls –’
‘Tadhg!’
‘Yuck,’ Ollie groaned. ‘That’s disgusting.’
‘Shannon does it with Johnny, Joey does it with Aoife, Darren does it with Alex,’ Tadhg continued, not missing a beat. ‘And you’ll do it when you’re older with someone you fancy, Ol.’
‘I will not,’ Ollie spluttered, looking horrified. ‘I don’t even like my own tongue in my mouth.’
‘Yeah.’ Tadhg snorted. ‘Sure.’
‘Do you do it?’ Ollie asked.
‘I’m starting secondary school in September,’ Tadhg replied nonchalantly. ‘What do you think?’
‘So?’ Shannon replied, eyeing her brother suspiciously. ‘What does starting secondary school have to do with kissing?’
‘Just that I know what I’m talking about,’ Tadhg told her. ‘And that’s all I’m saying on the matter.’
‘Johnny –’ my father’s voice filled my ears and I tore my gaze off Shannon and her brothers before hurrying into the hallway after him.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked, watching him warily as he nodded and answered whoever was on the phone to him with one-word responses. ‘Da?’
‘Come here,’ he mouthed, gesturing for me to follow him.
A nervous tremor rolled down my spine as I trailed after him, not stopping until we were in the kitchen with the door closed behind us.
‘Thanks a million for calling me, Billy,’ Dad said into the phone. ‘I will – yes…yes, I know, man. I understand. Thanks. Yeah, I’ll see you there.’ Hanging up, he looked at me and sighed heavily. ‘Johnny –’ his voice cracked. Shaking his head, he placed the phone on the kitchen island and exhaled a pained breath before saying, ‘Sit down, son.’
And I knew.
I knew right there in that very moment that something terrible was going to come out of his mouth.
‘Da,’ I bit out, shaking like an ivy-leaf. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Johnny –’ Releasing another pained sigh, my father walked over and steered me to a stool. ‘I need you to sit down, son.’
Fuck.
Feeling weak, I sank down on a stool at the island and dropped my head in my hands. ‘Just tell me,’ I strangled out, clenching my eyes shut. ‘Just say it. Please.’
‘That was Billy Collins on the phone,’ Dad explained, taking the stool opposite mine. ‘Do you remember Billy? I went to school with him? We were great friends. He’s been over here a few times with his wife for dinner –’
‘I know he’s the superintendent at the station, Da,’ I choked out, knowing exactly who my father was talking about. His Garda buddy. ‘What did he say?’
Dad nodded stiffly. ‘He’s sending a car over here. They’ll be with us shortly.’ Dad glanced down at his phone that was lighting up again. ‘I called Darren, too. He’s on the way.’
‘Are they taking them back?’ I growled, flicking my gaze up to meet his. ‘Are you seriously going to let them take those kids back to that fucking house?’
‘No, Johnny,’ Dad replied calmly. ‘That’s not what’s –’
‘She’s not going anywhere,’ I hissed, feeling anxious and wildly protective. ‘I don’t give a shite what you, Darren, or any bleeding Gards say. You’re not taking Shannon back there. I’m keeping her here with me!’
‘Nobody is taking anyone back there,’ Dad coaxed. ‘I promise, son, so just calm down.’
‘Then why are the Gards coming here?’ I demanded.
‘They need to take your statements,’ Dad replied softly.
‘Statements for what?’ I gaped at him. ‘Am I in trouble for taking them? Because their Ma told me to–’ My words broke off and I dragged in several deep breaths before continuing, ‘She told me to go, Da,’ I hissed, shuddering at the memory of Mrs. Lynch’s haunted eyes looking into mine. ‘She said take them!’
Tears filled my father’s eyes and I blanched. ‘Oh fuck, it’s bad, isn’t it?’ I choked out, jerking off the stool. ‘What’s happening here?’ Trembling, I backed away from the island, knowing in my heart something bad was going on. ‘Did he hurt her?’ Pain speared through me at the thought. ‘Is that it? Is she in the hospital?’
‘Johnny, just breathe –’
‘I don’t understand what’s happening here!’ I roared, feeling my heart hammer violently against my ribcage. ‘Just tell me what’s going on, Da!’
‘There was a fire at the Lynch house.’
‘What?’ My heart stopped dead in my chest. ‘No, no, no.’ I shook my head, rejecting the words coming out of his mouth. ‘I was there less than two hours ago, Da. There was no fire!’
‘There was a fire, Johnny,’ Dad told me. ‘When you showed up here with the children and I called Billy, he was already at the scene of a fire in Elk Terrace. By the time the emergency services arrived, the house was up in flames.’
‘What?’ my voice rose with my panic. ‘I don’t…how…what?’
‘Johnny, pet, you need to sit down.’
‘It’s a half an hour from their house to ours,’ I spat. ‘How does a house burn down in half a fucking hour, Da?’
‘A house burns down that quickly if it’s lit intentionally,’ Dad replied gruffly. ‘The house was doused in flammables, Johnny, and all the windows and doors were locked. They didn’t have a chance of getting out.’ Shivering, he added, ‘Billy called me back just there to let me know that two bodies were pulled out.’ Sighing heavily, he added, ‘Given all the information you told me that I relayed to him, he’s confident that the fire was set mere minutes after you took the children – and the bodies are –’
‘Don’t say it –’ Holding my head in my hands, I staggered backwards, knocking up against the sink. ‘No, Da. Jesus Christ, don’t tell me that –’
‘Johnny, shh – it’s okay, son.’ Pushing his stool back, my father walked towards me. ‘Come here –’
‘She’s dead?’ I whispered, feeling tears drip down my cheeks. ‘But I told her I’d go back for her,’ I choked out, shaking my head. ‘Jesus Christ, I should have made her come with me!’
My father’s arms came around me. ‘Shh,’ he whispered, holding me up when my body felt weak to the bone. ‘It’s okay. I’ve got you.’
‘I left her there, Da,’ I strangled out, clutching my father. ‘I left her in that house!’
‘Do you know what you did tonight?’ he asked, tightening his hold on me. ‘You saved four children.’
‘No.’ I clenched my eyes shut and buried my face in his neck. ‘Don’t say it like that –’
‘They would have burned to death inside that house if you hadn’t been the crazy, reckless, brilliant man you are,’ he continued to say. ‘They wouldn’t have had a chance in hell of getting out of there, son. Sean was doused in alcohol. You saved them all, Johnny. They were in their beds, son. They were terrified of him. There was no way those kids would have left their rooms if you hadn’t gone in there to get them.’ Dad shuddered before adding, ‘And what you said about slipping on the staircase and the landing and hallway when you were inside the house? That was alcohol and petrol, Johnny. One spark of a flame and it was all over for those children – the entire place would have ignited with all of you in there – but you kept your head and you got them out.’
‘No, no, no,’ I strangled out, terrified. ‘I didn’t know what I was doing.’
‘You trusted your instincts,’ he corrected. ‘You might not have understood what was happening, son, but you knew they needed to get out. Because of you, there are four children alive and breathing in this house tonight.’
‘Do they know yet?’ I whispered, clenching my eyes shut tightly.
‘No,’ Dad replied.
‘Fuck,’ I croaked out. ‘How am I going to tell Shannon?’
‘Tell me what?’ Shannon’s voice filled my ears and I flinched.
‘Shan,’ I choked out, pushing away from my father and finding her hovering in the kitchen doorway, looking small and terrified. ‘You okay?’
‘What’s wrong?’ she croaked out, eyes wide and full of fear. ‘Why are you crying?’
‘I’m not crying, baby.’ Sniffling, I wiped my eyes and moved to go to her, needing to hold her in my arms and just stop the world for a minute. My head was spinning, my heart was reeling, and I couldn’t take it all in. Closing the space between us, I pulled her into my arms and squeezed her body tighter than I knew I should. ‘I love you,’ I whispered, holding her close. ‘Jesus Christ, Shan, I’m so fucking sorry.’
‘Why are you sorry?’ she choked out, clinging to my waist. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I tried, Shan,’ I strangled out, tightening my hold on her. ‘I really did.’
‘Johnny, what’s happening?’ she asked, voice cracking.
‘Shannon!’ Darren’s voice filled my ears and I turned just as he burst through the utility room door, tears streaming down his cheeks. ‘Are you all okay?’ His bloodshot eyes were wild and panicked as he staggered into the kitchen. ‘Where are the boys?’
‘Darren?’ Shannon cried, breaking out of my hold. ‘What’s happening here?’
‘Shan –’ A gut-wrenching sob tore from his throat. ‘I can’t –’
‘The boys are all here and they’re all safe,’ Dad replied, moving to catch Darren just as his legs gave out beneath him. ‘That’s it– you’re okay.’ Lowering them both to the floor, my father pulled him into his arms. ‘I’ve got you.’
‘Mam,’ he cried, burying his face in my father’s neck. ‘My Mam!’
‘I know,’ Dad whispered, cupping the back of his neck. ‘Shh, I know, lad. I know.’
‘What’s wrong with Mam?’ Shannon choked out, trembling violently. ‘Wh-what did he d-do?’
‘She’s dead!’ Darren cried. ‘He fucking killed her!’
‘No!’ Shaking her head, Shannon backed away like her brother’s words had scalded her. ‘No, no, no, you’re telling lies.’
‘He killed my mother,’ Darren choked out, clutching my father. ‘Fucking bastard –’
‘Stop saying that!’ Shannon screamed, pulling on her hair. ‘She’s not dead, Darren. She’s at home – I saw her!’ Clutching her head in her hands, she glared at her brother and hissed, ‘She’s fine.’ Tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked up at me. ‘Tell him, Johnny!’ she begged, lunging for me. ‘Tell him he’s wrong!’ Grabbing my hand, she tugged aimlessly. ‘J-just t-tell h-him –’
‘There was a fire at your house, Shan,’ I strangled out, feeling my body shake with the effort it was taking not to lose it.
‘A fire?’ Her eyes were wide and full of tears. ‘No, Johnny, no!’
‘There was a fire, baby,’ I croaked out, heart racing. ‘And your Ma…she, ah –’ my words broke off and I cleared my throat before forcing the words, ‘she and your Da didn’t make it,’ out of my mouth.
‘No.’ It was one word but I knew the sound would haunt me until my dying day as she stared up at me, those big, blue eyes begging me to tell her different. I wanted to – more than anything – but there was no escaping this. Her parents were dead.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, moving for her. ‘Shan, I’m so –’
‘No!’ she repeated, backing up until her back hit the wall behind her. ‘No!’ Covering her face with her hands, she slid down the wall. ‘Mammy, no, no, no! Not my Mam…not my Mam.’
A tear slid down my cheek as I watched her, feeling more helpless than I ever had in my life. Crouching down beside her, I placed a hand on her knee. ‘Shan –’
‘No,’ she strangled out, shaking my hand off. ‘No, no, no.’
Exhaling brokenly, I tried again. ‘Shan –’
‘I said no!’ she sobbed, wrapping her arms around her legs. ‘No…’ Burying her face in her knees, she rocked back and forth. ‘Oh god, they’re both gone.’
‘I know.’ Feeling at a complete loss, I edged closer and nuzzled her shoulder with my cheek, desperate to give her comfort. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Joey,’ Shannon sobbed. ‘Joey…. Oh, god, where’s Joey?’
‘It’s okay, Shannon,’ my father replied, tone coaxing. ‘We’ll find him, pet.’
‘He doesn’t know,’ she wailed. ‘He’s gone!’ She tugged roughly on her hair. ‘He’s just gone –’
‘Don’t,’ I choked out, taking her hands in mine. ‘Don’t do that to yourself, baby.’ I couldn’t take another second of watching her like this. ‘Please.’
‘Don’t touch me!’ Trembling, Shannon yanked her hands away from mine, chest heaving. ‘D-don’t do it, okay?’
‘Okay.’ Holding my hands up, I watched her watch me, feeling my heart crack clean open in my chest. ‘I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.’
I remained exactly where I was, keeping my hands to myself, as I waited for her to take what she needed from me.
Eventually, she did.
With a huge sob, Shannon scrambled onto my lap and threw her arms around my neck, clinging to me in a way I knew I would never fully deserve. ‘Don’t leave me –’ Tightening her arms around my neck, she buried her face in my chest and whispered, ‘Please don’t go…’
Exhaling a broken sigh, I wrapped her up in my arms and held her to me. ‘I won’t.’ Tightening my hold on her frail body, I rocked her gently. ‘I’m right here.’ Exhaling a ragged breath, I ducked my face and dropped a kiss to her hair. ‘I promise.’
I wanted to stand in front of this girl and shield her from all the horror she was exposed to. It wasn’t right, dammit, and I felt like I was drowning in the unfairness of her life. If I could lay her cuts and bruises over my skin, I would.
A loud knock came from the back door then, followed by a male voice. ‘John, is it okay if we come in?’
‘We’re in here, Billy,’ Dad called out, still holding Darren. ‘Come on in.’
Two uniformed Gardaí walked into our kitchen then, followed by my father’s friend, superintendent Billy Collins. The moment they removed their hats and said, ‘I’m so sorry for your loss,’ the worst, most heartbreaking sob tore from Darren’s throat and Shannon sagged weakly against me.
Holding her tightly, I slowly rocked her in my arms, whispering everything and anything I could think of in her ear so she didn’t have to hear what the Gards were saying to my father and Darren. She was hysterical, gasping for air, and crying harder than I’d ever heard her cry before. My heart was shattering into a million pieces, my mind reeling, but I stayed right there with her, unable to separate my emotions from hers.
When Dad, Darren, and the Gardaí went down to the sitting room to where Mam was with the younger boys to break the news, and the screaming started, I held her even tighter. Right there on the floor of my kitchen, I cradled her in my arms, feeling every one of her sobs and cries in the deepest part of my soul. ‘Shh, little darling…’
‘You’re s-singing.’ Sniffling, she clung to my chest. ‘Here Comes the Sun.’
I was singing.
I was doing whatever I could to make this better for her.
‘That’s m-my Granda Murphy’s s-song,’ she hiccupped. ‘You remember me t-telling you t-that?’
‘Yeah.’ I remembered her telling me about her grandfather singing this song to her when she was frightened and it was all I could do in this moment. ‘Should I stop?’
‘N-no.’ Shannon shook her head. ‘D-don’t stop.’
Trembling, I continued to rock her in my arms and softy hum the words of the song in her ear, while I waited for the doctor I knew had been called.
