When I opened my eyes again, the first thing that assaulted my senses was the sunshine beaming in from the window, mixing in with the sound of beeping monitors, and bringing with it a throbbing in my brain.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Confused, I looked for Johnny, but came up empty.
He wasn’t here.
Panicking, I patted the mattress, twisting my head from side to side as I tried to scope out Mr. and Mrs. Kavanagh or Gibsie.
‘Hey – hey, it’s okay.’ A large hand wrapped around mine. ‘I’m here.’
‘Joe?’ I croaked out anxiously, feeling my heart race at a hundred miles an hour, as I desperately sought him out. ‘Joe?’
‘Shh, take it easy,’ a vaguely familiar male voice replied. ‘I’m right here, Shannon.’
Rejecting the stranger’s voice, I shook my head and reached for the wires in my nose. ‘Joey?’ I croaked out, voice barely more than a hoarse whisper. Yanking the wires free, I inhaled a deep breath, gasping for precious air, something my brain demanded I do. The minute I did, pain seared through my entire chest and I cried out, my hands automatically moving to my side.
My bandaged side?
Startled at the contact, I pulled at the gown I was draped in to reveal a white bandage strapped between the left side of my ribcage and my breast. What the hell was happening to me? ‘Oh god, Joey –’
‘Relax.’ A hand moved to cup my chin and I clenched my eyes shut, body turning to stone in the bed, as fear spiraled inside of me. ‘Take some nice, slow breaths.’
Relax, it’s a gentle touch, I slowly registered, but I couldn’t be certain of anything anymore.
Struggling to remain in control and not let the panic consume me, I drew in short, slow breaths, flinching when my chest burned in protest. My head was throbbing so hard it felt like it was going to burst. I raised my free hand to hold my forehead, only to freeze when my fingers grazed what felt like gauze on my cheek.
And then I remembered.
Dad.
Dread seized my heart, my pulse rising erratically, as memories of my father beating me, beating Joey, hitting Tadhg, hurting Mam, all filled my mind in one fell swoop.
Was he here?
Was he close by?
Was I in trouble?
‘It’s okay,’ the voice continued to say, tone soft and coaxing. ‘You’re in the hospital, but you’re safe now, okay? Nobody is going to hurt you.’
Safe now.
I felt like laughing at the empty promise.
Words.
All words.
Reluctantly, I tore my eyes open and just laid there, ice-cold and heart frozen, as I stared up at the man looking down at me.
‘Hey, kid,’ he said, voice familiar and warm like Christmas morning. ‘It’s been awhile.’
I didn’t respond.
I couldn’t.
Instead, I just stared back at him.
Exhaling a shaky breath, he released my chin and reached for my hand again.
I quickly snatched it away, not wanting his touch.
Not wanting anything to do with his touch.
‘Where’s Joey?’ I asked when I finally found my voice again. It didn’t sound like it belonged to me. It was cracked and hoarse, but the words were coming from my lips, so I pushed on. ‘I need to talk to Joey.’ I needed to know what I was supposed to say if someone asked me what happened. I didn’t know the story. ‘Is he here?’ Kicking off the covers holding me to the bed, I scrambled up the mattress until my back was aligned with the metal headboard, and dragged in another pained breath. Ignoring the fire in my chest, I glanced around the bright room, wary and fearful. ‘I really need Joey, please.’
‘Shannon, you need to calm down –’
‘I need Joey,’ I croaked out, flinching away when he tried to touch me.
‘I’m here, Shannon.’ Blue eyes so similar to mine implored me to understand something I never could. ‘I’m coming home. For good.’
‘I don’t care,’ I said, voice void of all emotion, as I wrestled with my anxiety. ‘I need my brother.’
‘I’m your brother, too,’ he said sadly.
‘No.’ I shook my head, refuting his claims. ‘You left us there. You’re not my –’
‘Shan!’ Joey’s voice filled my ears, followed by the sound of a door banging loudly. ‘I told you to stay the fuck away from her.’ Stalking into the room like someone wired to NASA, Joey shouldered Darren out of the way and sank down on the edge of my bed. ‘She just woke up, asshole,’ he added, knees bobbing restlessly as he fussed with the blankets around my feet, covering up my bare legs. ‘The last thing she needs is another fucking drama.’
‘Joe.’ My hands shot out of their own accord, steadying his jittering arm. ‘What’s happening?’
The moment my eyes landed on his face, I let out a pained sob. The skin below his eyes was black and blue, his nose was clearly broken again, and his bottom lip busted and swollen.
‘Oh, Joe.’ Reaching up, I brushed his hair off his face, revealing two bloodshot eyes with pupils so dilated the green in his eyes was almost absent. Fear enveloped me. I knew what those bloodshot and blackened eyes represented and it wasn’t one of our father’s beatings. It represented something much worse, something I thought he had gotten a handle on last year. ‘Tell me you didn’t –’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ he hurried to say, tone gruff, as he captured my hand and set it back down on my lap. ‘I’m fine.’
No, he wasn’t fine.
He was high.
‘I’m fine, Shannon,’ Joey repeated, giving me a look that told me to drop it.
Clasping my hands together, I remained silent, swallowing down a million unspoken words to join the others festering inside of me. ‘What’s going on?’
‘You’re okay,’ Joey said, twisting around to face me, giving me his full attention. ‘You’ve been in and out of it for two days. Doc’s gave you something so they could put the –’ his words broke off and he flailed his hands out, shaking from head to toe, ‘The –’ running his hands through his hair, he shook his head, and snapped his fingers, ‘Fuck, I can’t remember the words.’
‘You were brought into the hospital on Saturday evening,’ Darren explained in a much more together tone of voice. ‘Today is Tuesday, Shannon. You’ve been in and out for a few days.’
‘Yeah, by me,’ Joey snarled, shoulders stiffening. ‘She was brought in here by me. Where the fuck were you, Golden Boy?’
‘You were treated for a severe concussion and a traumatic pneumothorax,’ Darren continued to explain, ignoring Joey’s comments. ‘You were pretty banged up when you got here. You’ve had some stitches on your cheek to close a cut and some bruised ribs.’
‘Bruised ribs,’ Joey sneered mockingly. ‘Open your eyes, Darren. She’s bruised everywhere!’
‘What the hell is wrong with you, Joey?’ Darren demanded, glaring at my brother with narrowed eyes. ‘Are you high? Is that it? Did you take something?’
‘Yeah, I took something,’ Joey shot back, turning his rage on Darren. ‘I took a lot of fucking beatings. That’s what I took, asshole.’
‘Joe, relax.’ Anxious, I placed a hand on Joey’s hand to calm him and looked to Darren. ‘What does a traumatic pneumothorax mean?’
‘It means that bastard kicked you so hard he collapsed your lung,’ Joey filled in, pulsing with anger. ‘It means they had to shove a fucking pipe through your body to help you breathe.’
‘Oh god.’ Panic stricken, I looked down at my body and whimpered. ‘Am I okay?’ I placed a trembling hand over the wound. ‘Is that bad?’
‘It’s not serious,’ Darren hurried to console. ‘You didn’t have surgery – they were able to relieve the pressure and help you breathe by inserting a small tube into your –’
‘Not serious?’ Joey demanded. ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’
‘Joey,’ Darren growled. ‘Calm down.’
‘Is there a hole?’ I strangled out, peeking under my gown. ‘Is it still inside me?’
‘No, Shannon,’ Darren soothed. ‘They removed it yesterday morning. You’ve had chest x-rays and CT scans. Everything looks great, okay?’
I nodded, feeling numb.
‘But you’ll be sore for a couple of weeks,’ he added with a grimace. ‘And you’re on a course of antibiotics to prevent infection.’ Shaking his head, Darren added, ‘The nurses will explain everything better than I can.’
‘Really?’ Joey sniped. ‘I thought you were great at everything.’
‘Whatever they prescribed you for your pain, consider it out of bounds,’ Darren growled, glaring at Joey. ‘I’m cutting you off.’
Joey laughed. ‘Paracetamol?’
‘You’re not fooling anyone,’ Darren shot back, tone even.
‘Why are you here?’ I croaked out, feeling the panic lodge in my chest.
‘I’m here to help, Shannon,’ Darren replied. ‘I’m here to take care of you – all of you.’ He cast a glance in Joey’s direction and sighed. ‘Even you.’
‘Don’t do me any favors,’ Joey spat.
‘Why?’ Clasping my hands together, I exhaled slowly and asked, ‘How did you know about what happened?’
‘Mam called him,’ Joey replied, casting another menacing glare in Darren’s direction. ‘Apparently, the bitch had the bastard’s number this whole time.’ His tone was dripping with venomous sarcasm. ‘They lied to us, Shan. Imagine that?’
Darren released a pained groan. ‘Come on, Joey, don’t say that.’ Pinching his brow, he added, ‘That’s our mother you’re talking about–’
‘Our mother?’ Joey laughed humorlessly, feet bobbing restlessly. ‘We have one of those? Fuck, and here’s me thinking mothers were mythical creatures like unicorns, because I sure as shit never met one in the flesh.’
‘You were in contact with Mam the whole time?’ I croaked out, reeling. ‘For five and a half years?’
‘He sure was,’ Joey filled in before Darren could. ‘Couldn’t pick up the phone and check on us, but he was in close contact with mommy dearest.’
Darren shook his head. ‘You need to simmer down on the angst, Joe. It’s not working for you.’
‘And you need to not walk back into our lives and think you can call the shots,’ Joey retorted, trembling with what I knew was barely restrained anger. ‘It doesn’t work that way. You don’t get to go, Darren; you don’t get to walk in and out of our lives!’
Call the shots? ‘What shots?’
‘Brother dearest thinks he’s in charge now.’ Jerking to his feet, Joey paced the small room, looking like a caged wild animal. ‘Thinks he can walk out the door, abandon us for half a decade, and then stroll back in with his flashy car and fat wallet and lay down the law.’
Darren glared at our brother. ‘That’s not fair, Joey.’
‘What did you expect, Darren?’ Joey countered, glaring. ‘A welcome home party? Some balloons and cake? You roll back into town and think we’re going to fall at your feet because you’re saving us?’ He shook his head and sneered, ‘You forgot about us. You walked the fuck out. Left us with them. So as far as I’m concerned, you can keep walking. I’ve got this.’
‘You’ve got shit, Joey,’ Darren snapped. ‘Look at her.’
‘Look at you,’ Joey shot back, furious. Clapping his hands, he added, ‘Nice fucking suit, Darren. You look well. Nicely groomed and well fed. Good for you.’ Glowering, he raised a hand and gestured to himself and then me. ‘Congrats on the success, big brother.’
‘I was eighteen,’ Darren whispered, running a hand through his dark hair. ‘I couldn’t deal.’
‘Yeah, well I’m eighteen, too, asshole,’ Joey spat unsympathetically. ‘And guess what? I stepped up and dealt. I stayed!’
‘Then you’re a stronger man than I am.’
‘I’m not stronger than you,’ Joey strangled out, voice breaking. ‘I just happen to possess a conscience.’
‘Stop,’ I pleaded, clutching my head with my hands. ‘Please just stop fighting. I can’t deal with this.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Darren ran a hand through his hair, clearly exasperated. ‘Can you tone it down for her sake, Joey? We need to explain this to her and fighting with each other isn’t going to help.’
Joey bared his teeth and gave Darren the middle finger, but he managed to keep his opinions to himself.
‘Dad’s gone, Shannon,’ Darren explained in a calm tone.
An emotion that felt suspiciously like hope washed through me. ‘He is?’
‘He’s not gone,’ Joey piped up. ‘He’s hiding. Big difference.’
And there went my hope.
‘Can you give it a rest?’ Darren growled.
‘Can you not give her false hope?’ Joey countered hotly. ‘It won’t do her any fucking good in the long run.’
‘For now,’ Darren was quick to add, casting a warning glare in Joey’s direction. ‘The Gards will find him and he’ll go down for this, guys. I’ll make sure of it.’
‘Sure, you will,’ Joey sneered. ‘Saint Darren to the rescue.’ Twisting his neck from side to side, he drummed his fingers on the mattress, clearly frustrated. ‘The justice system is a fucking joke in this country and we all know it. Even when they do find him, chances are that he’ll get a suspended sentence, a slap on the wrist, and a bottle of whiskey, curtesy of the social welfare, for his troubles and you’re lying to yourself if you believe any different.’
‘I went to court with Mam yesterday,’ Darren pushed on, ignoring Joey’s comments. ‘We applied for a safety order against him. There’ll be a hearing in three weeks’ time, one he’ll be expected to attend, but we were issued with a temporary protection order against him. He’s barred from the house, from making contact with any of you.’
‘He should be done for attempted fucking murder,’ Joey spat.
‘I agree,’ Darren replied. ‘I want him gone, too, Joe. I hate him just as much as you do.’
‘Doubtful,’ Joey sneered. ‘Very fucking doubtful.’
Darren sighed heavily. ‘You want to do this, Joe? Have a competition over who had it hardest? Or do you want to get this family back on track?’
‘There is no family,’ Joey countered heatedly. ‘That’s what you’re missing.’
‘We’re still a family,’ Darren said quietly. ‘And we’ll be a stronger one if we’re all united.’
‘With her,’ Joey strangled out, looking truly distressed. ‘Finish what you started,’ he demanded. ‘We’ll be stronger with her.’ Joey shook his head and laughed humorlessly. ‘What a fucking joke.’
‘Where is she?’ I asked nervously.
‘At home with Nanny and your brothers.’
My heart sank. ‘Why?’
‘Why?’ Darren frowned. ‘What do you mean why?’
‘I mean why is she still here?’ I strangled out, fisting the sheets beneath me.
‘Finally!’ Joey chorused, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘Finally, someone gets it!’
‘She’s as much of a victim as any of us,’ Darren said slowly. ‘I know you guys don’t feel that way right now, and I completely get that, but you have to understand that she’s been through –’
‘Bullshit,’ Joey sneered. ‘Bull-fucking-shit, Darren! She’s not a victim. She’s an enabler. She enabled him to do this.’ He pointed to where I was sitting. ‘She’s as much to blame for Shannon being in here as he is.’
‘Joey, come on.’
‘No.’ Joey shook his head. ‘Maybe she was a victim the first time he put his hands on her. Hell, maybe the first ten. I’ll give her that. She was young and thick. But twenty-four years?’ He shook his head. ‘No, she did this to us, Darren. She had a hand in this.’
‘Have you ever thought about why there’s so many of us? Why she kept having children with that man? Why she wouldn’t leave?’ Darren snapped, glaring at the both of us. ‘Or why she’s all fucked up in the head like she is? Have you ever thought maybe she stayed because she was terrified he would follow through on his threats? We’ve all heard the ‘I’ll kill you and the children if you leave me’ speech he’s been feeding her – since she was fifteen year’s old! For Christ’s sake, that man spent two decades breaking her down and telling her that he would kill her if she left! Don’t you think that might have fucked her up in the head? Did you ever consider that she was there against her will? Having children against her will? Being raped and beaten and mentally abused to the point where she lost touch with reality? She was fifteen year’s old when she had me – fourteen when she was pregnant!’ he added. ‘Think about that for a minute. Think about how fucking frightened she must have been when she was thrown into a life with that monster. She doesn’t have a mother or father to show her the way. All she had in the whole fucking world was him. She was a baby having babies and it broke her!’
‘I don’t want to hear it,’ Joey barked. ‘I’m not listening to any more excuses.’
‘Have either of you ever thought about why she voluntarily put us into care?’ Darren pressed, tone hard. ‘Well, have you?’
‘She was sick,’ Joey sneered.
‘She wasn’t sick,’ Darren snarled. ‘She was trying to get us away from him. She was trying to save us from something she couldn’t save herself from.’
‘Then why didn’t she leave us there?’ Joey roared. ‘Maybe we would have had a fighting fucking chance.’
‘You know why,’ Darren shot back, shaking now. ‘You know!’ He inhaled several calming breaths before continuing. ‘She was afraid that it would happen to you, too. She was scared and pregnant with Tadhg –’
‘So, because you got raped, we got brought home to be tortured?’ Joey demanded. ‘Is that it? Two wrongs make a right? Because that’s some fucked up logic, if you ask me.’
‘Joey!’ I strangled out. ‘Don’t!’
‘I’m sorry that happened to him,’ Joey shot back, shaking. ‘I’m so fucking sorry that happened to you, Darren, I really am. But I got punished for it.’ He waved a hand between us. ‘We all did.’
‘It’s okay, Joe,’ I coaxed, desperate to comfort him. ‘Don’t get upset.’
‘It’s not okay!’ he strangled out. ‘Jesus Christ, I should have taken you all out of that house years ago. I should have called it in. I knew this would happen –’ His voice cracked and he dragged in a harsh breath. ‘But they scared me – made me doubt myself!’ He glared at Darren. ‘You terrorized me into believing that living with him was better than what was out there.’ Tears burned in his green eyes but he blinked them away. ‘I had the best six months of my life with that family. So did she –’ he pointed a finger at me. ‘We were happy with that family. We were safe! But you and Mam convinced me there was danger, that it was safer at home.’ Slamming the heel of his hand against his forehead, he hissed, ‘I was six years old and you fucked my head so bad that I can’t trust anything now. I can’t even trust my own fucking instincts.’
‘I was afraid of it happening to you,’ Darren strangled out. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing. I was trying to keep you safe –’
‘By terrorizing me! You made me believe you and you left!’ Joey roared, shaking from head to toe. ‘You made me trust you! I was twelve and you walked out that door and dropped it all on my shoulders. And then I terrorized them! I told them all the same shit you told me, filled them up with all the same fears and paranoia, because that’s all I knew. And look at us now!’
‘I’m sorry for leaving you, Joe.’ Shuddering, Darren dropped his head. ‘But I had to go –’
‘Yeah, and I’m sorry for believing you!’ Shaking violently, Joey hissed, ‘I won’t make the same mistake twice.’
There was a long stretch of silence before Darren spoke again. ‘Look,’ he said gruffly. ‘I don’t have all the answers for you guys, but I know I can’t turn my back on our mother.’
‘I can,’ Joey offered tersely. ‘Easily.’
‘For the first time in her life, she is fighting back,’ Darren bit out. ‘She is trying to do the right thing by us. She’s not a bad person and you both know that. She’s a frightened woman who let her fears make terrible decisions for her.’
‘Her bad decisions nearly killed us,’ Joey shot back. ‘They put my sister in a hospital bed.’
‘Our father put our sister in a hospital bed,’ Darren corrected. ‘Don’t let your anger cloud your logic, Joey.’
‘I’m not doing this,’ Joey hissed, throwing his hands up. ‘I’m not. I’m not going to listen to you justify her reasons for letting that bastard do this to us.’
‘All I’m saying is that it’s not all black and white,’ Darren replied before turning back to me. ‘The Gardaí will be here later on in the day to take your statement. You’ll either need Mam or me to be present with you when that happens.’
‘No.’ Anxiety was churning inside of me, festering away at all that was good and pure until I was nothing but a trembling mess. ‘I don’t want to do this.’
‘It’s okay,’ Darren said gently. ‘We’ll talk it through and you’ll have nothing to worry about.’
‘It can be me if you want, Shan,’ Joey interjected. ‘Doesn’t have to be them.’
‘The last thing you need is to be around Gardaí in your condition,’ Darren growled. ‘What was it this time? Are you back on the –’
‘Glad to hear your special phone calls with Mam kept you in the family loop,’ Joey spat. ‘Pity she didn’t tell you about the actual problems we were having – oh wait, she probably did, and you just went right ahead and blocked it out. Must be nice to have a conscience with an off-switch. Selective hearing must feel fucking fabulous.’
‘Stop,’ I groaned. ‘Please.’
‘There’s a social worker lurking around outside,’ Darren announced, turning back to me and dutifully ignoring Joey. He pulled at his blue tie and popped the top button of his crisp, white shirt before continuing, ‘You’ll have to talk to her alone, of course, but once we all have our story straight, it should be fairly straightforward.’
‘Our story straight?’ Whatever ounce of self-restraint Joey had been clinging to evaporated the moment those words came out of Darren’s mouth. ‘Fuck that!’ Jerking to his feet, he began to pace the room. ‘No more goddamn stories.’ Running a hand through his blond hair, he tugged at the ends and growled. ‘No more.’
‘I’m not asking any of you to lie,’ Darren replied. ‘I’m simply saying we need to rally around Mam –’
‘You’re asking her to omit the truth,’ Joey countered. ‘To leave out the parts where Mam covered up what he did to us – where she stood by and watched. Where she did nothing. And in my book, an omission of truth is a fucking lie.’
‘Well, if you want to stay together, then I suggest you accept her and get with the fucking program,’ Darren barked, losing his cool. ‘Because this is how I keep you guys together, okay? If we don’t have her, if she’s seen as anything other than what she is – a victim of domestic violence who did her best for her children – then Shannon, Ollie, Tadhg, and Sean might as well pack their bags now. And god knows where they’ll send you. It’ll be new schools, new homes, new friends, new fucking strangers. If you want that, then go right ahead and fight me on this, but it doesn’t have to be that way. We can make this work, guys.’
‘I can’t.’ Joey walked over and gripped the window sill with so much force, I was surprised he didn’t tear it off. ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ he muttered to himself. ‘I can’t keep living like this.’
‘Joe,’ I croaked out. ‘It’s okay –’
‘No,’ his voice cracked. ‘No, Shan,’ he whispered, keeping his back to me. ‘It’s really not.’
‘We have another issue,’ Darren added, breaking the palpable tension.
Tearing my eyes off Joey’s back, I looked back to Darren. ‘What?’
‘Johnny Kavanagh.’
Joey grunted in what sounded like approval.
‘Wh-what?’ Shaking my head, I fought down the tsunami of butterflies trying to claw their way out of my throat. ‘What does Johnny have to do with any of this?’
‘Fucker figured it out on his own,’ Joey muttered to himself, keeping his back to us. ‘Must be worth something after all.’
‘He’s making a right nuisance of himself,’ Darren confirmed grimly. ‘Calling the Garda station morning, noon, and night. He’s had four Garda cars out to the house since yesterday.’
‘Wh-what?’ Now I did clutch my temples as the throbbing in my brain threatened to kill me. ‘How does he know?’
‘Don’t worry, Shan. It’s a good thing he knows,’ Joey piped up. ‘You don’t have to lie for these people anymore.’
‘Can you just shut the hell up?’ Darren snapped. ‘I’m trying to fix this and you’re not helping matters.’
‘Because this isn’t fixable,’ Joey tossed back. ‘I know it, Shannon knows it – Christ, even Sean knows it, and he’s three!’
‘I don’t know what you told your boyfriend, Shannon, but you need to make him stop,’ Darren stated, turning his attention back to me. ‘He’s interfering in something he knows nothing about.’
‘I haven’t told him anything,’ I breathed, heart racing at the thought of Johnny. ‘And he’s not my –’
‘You’re barking up the wrong tree if you think you’ll keep her fella quiet,’ Joey scoffed. ‘Not everyone can be put in a box, Darren.’
‘Joey, for the love of god, can you just stop talking!’ Darren snarled. ‘If you’re not here to help, then go home.’
‘Fine, I’ll go,’ Joey hissed. ‘Because I’m having no part in this.’ Swinging around, he glared at Darren. ‘If you want to lie and fuck these kids up further by keeping that woman in their lives, then go right ahead, I clearly can’t stop you, but I’m done being a pawn in this game. I’ve done my time.’
‘It’s not a game, Joey,’ Darren growled. ‘This is our lives.’
‘Then I don’t want this life,’ Joey strangled out, face flushed. ‘If this is how we have to live, then I don’t want to be here.’
‘Joe –’
‘I’ll see ya later, Shan,’ Joey croaked out before stalking towards the door. ‘I’m out.’
I watched, frozen to the bed, as Joey stormed out, letting the door slam shut behind him. I didn’t want him to go. Being left alone with Darren was the last thing I wanted to happen, not because I feared him, but because I didn’t know him. He was a man now; a man who, by the look of his designer suit and expensive looking watch, I had very little in common with.
‘What are you now?’ I asked, disappointed with myself for allowing my curiosity to get the better of me. With my wire clad hand, I gestured to his clothes. ‘What do you do?’
Darren leaned back in his chair, eyes locked on mine. ‘I work for an international IT company.’ Shifting in his chair, he pulled on his tie again. ‘I’m based in their Belfast branch.’
‘So, that’s where you’ve been?’ I breathed, swallowing down the pain. ‘All this time and you’ve been a six-hour car drive away?’
‘Yeah.’ He nodded slowly and then stopped. ‘Well, no, I spent the first four years in Birmingham, getting my degree and working an apprenticeship. I moved to Belfast in late 2003.’
‘Oh.’ I wasn’t sure what else to say so I remained quiet. In truth, I wasn’t sure there was anything else to say. He left. We stayed. His life improved. Ours worsened. End of story.
‘I had to get out, Shannon,’ he added quietly.
I knew that.
But so did we.
‘Did it get better for you?’ I heard myself ask. I glanced up at him. ‘Did you find peace?’
Darren hesitated before saying, ‘I found a way to cope.’
Exhaling shakily, I nodded. ‘Good.’
‘I have a partner,’ he offered, sounding a little uncertain. ‘His name is Alex. We’ve been together three years. We share a small apartment on the outskirts of the city center.’
‘Does he love you?’ I asked.
Darren nodded. ‘Yeah, he loves me, Shan.’
‘I’m glad.’ Dropping my gaze to my hands, I cracked my knuckles and tried to find the right words. ‘I was always on your side.’ My voice was small. ‘I wanted you to be happy – to find someone who loves you. I never cared about whether that was a boy or a girl. I always wanted you to know that.’ I shrugged helplessly. ‘I was afraid you didn’t.’
‘Shannon,’ Darren said with a sigh. ‘I didn’t want to leave you behind.’
‘But you did, Darren,’ I whispered, forcing myself not to blink. ‘You did leave us behind.’
‘Do you hate me?’
‘No.’ I sighed. ‘But I don’t know who are you anymore.’ I lifted my gaze to meet his. ‘And you don’t know me, either.’
‘I know who you are, Shannon,’ he said, voice trembling. ‘You’re my baby sister who loves to sing and dance and read – and you’re smart. You’re so smart, Shannon. You’ve got the best school marks out of all of us. You love to play basketball. You love animals. Your favorite color is pink. You’re always bringing home injured animals and birds and nursing them back to health. You want to go to University College Dublin to study be a veterinarian, and your ultimate ambition in life has always been to travel the world.’
‘I don’t sing anymore and I don’t dance. My favorite color is green and I haven’t picked up a basketball since he stuck a knife through mine for bouncing it against the side of the house. I stopped bringing home animals a long time ago because I realized I didn’t want them to be caged with me – when I realized they were safer in the wild than with me. I’m not going to go to college and become a vet because I’ve failed every single one of my classes for the last three years.’ I kept my gaze trained on his as I spoke. ‘Even if, by some miraculous intervention, I managed to pull my school marks up and pass my exams, I’m not naïve enough to believe I could ever afford to go to college. I don’t want to travel the world anymore, and my ultimate ambition is to survive.’ He flinched but I forced myself to finish. ‘The girl you remember is gone, Darren. I’m not her anymore. Whatever I used to be, he beat it out of me a long time ago.’
‘I’m sorry, Shannon,’ was all he said.
‘Yeah.’ I sighed. ‘I’m sorry, too, Darren.’
‘We need to talk about what’s going to happen next,’ he said after a long pause. His tone was hesitant, his eyes wary. ‘It’s important.’
Swallowing deeply, I nodded. ‘Okay.’
‘Do you trust me?’
‘No.’
Darren flinched. ‘I deserve that.’
‘It’s not about what you deserve,’ I croaked out, voice raspy. ‘It’s how I feel.’
‘Fair enough,’ he mumbled, rubbing his jaw. ‘But social services are breathing down Mam’s neck. You know what that means.’
Yeah, I did.
I wasn’t entirely sure I cared anymore, but I definitely knew what it meant for us.
‘I’m prepared to move back home and take care of you guys until Mam gets back on her feet and we get this whole mess cleared up. The social workers involved in the case are supportive of this arrangement and are confident enough to allow you to come home to us,’ Darren continued. ‘I’ve spoken to Alex and he understands, and my boss is willing to let me work mostly from home. I will be required to make an appearance at the office once a week, but we can work around that once you guys go back to school after the Easter holidays. But none of this works without Mam. Without one decent parent in the mix. We need to support her, too, Shan. Regardless of what Joey says, we need to show a united front.’
‘When you say support her, what do you mean?’ I wasn’t sure why I asked that question when the answer was obvious.
‘Basically, when they ask you about your relationship with Mam, you need to remind them that she’s a good mother who tried her best for you, provided as stable a home as she could, and financially supported the five of you on her own. Tell them about how she enrolled you in Tommen when she found out you were being bullied at BCS, and how she loves you very much.’
‘So, you want me to lie?’ I whispered.
‘It’s not a lie. She’s a victim, too, Shannon,’ he said with a weary sigh. ‘And right now, she’s about all that stands between you and the foster care system.’ His eyes darkened then and he looked away. ‘And whatever Joey says, trust me when I tell you that you don’t want that.’
Pain churned inside of me for all he’d been through. ‘Are you okay?’
He blinked at me, looking a little startled by my question. ‘Me?’
I nodded.
‘I’m okay.’ He blew out a harsh breath. ‘I’m just worried.’
‘Me too,’ I squeezed out.
‘I don’t want you to go into care,’ he added, voice torn. ‘Aside from all my own issues, it’s not a good place for any of you. You’re doing well at Tommen. If they take you, you’ll be moved to a new school and have to start all over again.’
My heart seized with dread. ‘I want to stay at Tommen,’ I strangled out.
‘I know,’ he agreed. ‘And I’m going to make sure you do. I’ll cover the fees. I’ll do whatever it takes, but I need you to support me on this.’
‘Joey won’t.’ My hands shook as I spoke. ‘He won’t live under the same roof as her, Darren. You don’t know what it’s been like for him.’
‘Joey’s irrelevant in this,’ Darren muttered, pinching his temples. ‘He’s over eighteen.’
‘That doesn’t make him irrelevant,’ I snapped, glaring at my oldest brother. ‘He’s the most relevant thing in our lives, Darren.’
He sighed heavily. ‘I know, I know. I didn’t mean it to come out like that –’
‘Did you know that Sean called Joey ‘Da-Da’ until he was two?’ I interrupted sharply. My eyes were wide and full of unshed tears, my hands balled into fists and shaking at my sides. ‘Sean actually thought his brother was his daddy. I suppose it would be an easy mistake to make, you know, considering Joey sat up most nights doing his night feeds and changing his nappies when Mam was working nights or drowning in her depression. So, go ahead and tell Sean how irrelevant Joey is. Or better still, tell Ollie and Tadhg that every time Joey slept outside their bedroom door, for fear our father would go after them, was irrelevant. Tell them about how all the beatings Joey took for them were irrelevant. Tell me how irrelevant the brother who fed us when we were starving, stuck up for us when we had no one, gave us money when we needed it for school –’ my voice cracked and I dragged in several deep breaths before I could continue, ‘Tell me how irrelevant he is, Darren,’ I strangled out, feeling the burning protest of my lungs from the sudden exertion. ‘Go right ahead and do it!’
‘You know I didn’t mean it like that,’ he sighed. ‘Of course he’s not irrelevant. That was a shitty thing for me to say.’
‘Yeah,’ I strangled out, chest heaving. ‘It was.’
‘What I was trying to say is that Joey’s over eighteen. Legally, he’s an adult and the social workers aren’t interested in him. They’re concentrating on the minor children – you, Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean. He’s not on their radar.’
‘Have you met Sean yet?’ I heard myself ask, tone harder than I knew I was capable of. ‘Ollie got big, didn’t he? Tadhg, too. What age were they when you last saw them? Three and six, wasn’t it?’ I knew I should stop and rein it in, but I couldn’t. I was so furious that he could be so flippant with his words. It hurt to hear him call Joey irrelevant because I knew that was exactly how Joey was feeling when he stormed out earlier. ‘I was ten. Joey was twelve – barely older than Tadhg is now. Do you think we have changed, Darren?’
‘A lot has changed,’ he whispered.
‘Yeah, it has,’ I agreed, voice warbling. ‘And the mother that was so good to you, the Mam you remember, isn’t the one we experienced.’
‘She’s still your mother.’
‘See, you keep calling her that, but I only remember having one of those.’
‘Shannon –’
‘His name is Joey,’ I choked out, fisting the sheets. ‘The irrelevant one. He’s been our mother, Darren, when our real one checked out.’ Tears pooled down my cheeks as I spoke, forcing myself to get it out and for him to hear it, ‘When you left, something died inside of her. She wasn’t the same. Everything went dark. You think you know, but you don’t. You can’t know because you didn’t see…’
‘I’ve seen enough, Shannon,’ he replied wearily. ‘Believe me.’
‘Whatever you saw, it was during a time when she was present,’ I bit out. I wasn’t saying any of this to hurt him. I just needed him to get it. ‘She hasn’t been present in a very long time.’
‘Look, I’m not going to force your hand here,’ he finally replied. ‘Whatever you want to do is your choice.’
But…
‘But this isn’t just about you,’ he filled in. ‘Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean’s futures are at stake here, too.’
So, you have no choice…
‘Mam is trying, Shan,’ he coaxed. ‘She’s willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.’
You’re trapped…
‘She just needs some guidance,’ he whispered. ‘So, if you just trust me and follow my lead on this, I promise you that I can give you guys a better life. You won’t have to worry about him coming back because I won’t let that happen ever again. And once the Gards get your statement and this goes to court, you’ll never have to worry about –’
‘Wh-what? I’m not going to court,’ I strangled out, hurrying to get there first. ‘I’m not going against him, Darren.’ I shook my head, body shaking violently. ‘No way.’
‘Shannon, he can’t hurt you anymore,’ Darren urged. ‘I swear, this will be –’
‘You just told me that he wasn’t arrested for this,’ I bit out. ‘That means he’s out there.’ I bit back the urge to scream and gripped the mattress. ‘This is bad, Darren. You don’t get it, but I do. I see. This will all go away, she’ll take him back, and then he’ll make me pay for getting him into t-trouble.’ Sniffling, I reached up and roughly wiped away the tears from my cheeks. ‘Joey’s right; there’s no justice for people like us. He’ll get a slap on the wrist – and that’s if we’re really lucky. No, I’m not saying anything about him.’
‘He has to pay, Shannon.’
‘Easy for you to say,’ I shot back, trembling. ‘When you’re not the price.’
‘What?’ Darren frowned. ‘Shannon, that makes no sense.’
‘Whatever, Darren, you wouldn’t understand,’ I sniffled. ‘He loved you best.’
Darren balked like he couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of my mouth. ‘You couldn’t be more wrong,’ he strangled out. ‘You’re so fucking wrong, Shannon.’
‘You got words,’ I hissed defensively. ‘Cruel words, horrible words, things that never should have been said to you, and I am so sorry for that, but you didn’t get what we got –’ I had to stop and take a few steadying breaths before I could finish, ‘However bad you think it was when you lived at home, however many slaps you think you took, I promise that it got a million times worse after you left. I promise you that Joey and I took more.’
‘And neither of you got what I got,’ he snarled, losing his cool with me. ‘You got a nice little family for six months. You got ice-creams and fucking hugs. You didn’t get what I got, Shannon, and be very fucking glad about that!’
I flinched from his words.
Darren dropped his head in hands. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah,’ I whispered. ‘Me, too.’
