My father had been out of treatment for a week, and I was having trouble sleeping. Every time I dozed off at night, I was bombarded with nightmares so frightening that I jerked awake and spent the rest of the night in a panic induced frenzy, body on high alert, waiting for the sound of the key turning in the lock. It hadn’t come yet, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t. That was the scariest part of it; knowing that our futures balanced on our father obeying the barring order and our mother keeping her resolve. I wasn’t naïve enough to hold out much hope for either.
Forcing all thoughts of my father to the back of my mind, I focused on the present. On the boy sitting on the grassy bank of the pitch beside me. Blocking out the rest of the world, I concentrated entirely on my boyfriend.
It was hard for me to comprehend why a guy in Johnny’s position, with everything going for him, had so willingly attached his sail to my damaged mast. But he had. And every day that passed since was made bearable because I had him.
When Joey and Darren were fighting at home, I blocked it out.
When Mam was catatonic at the kitchen table, I breezed straight past.
When the fear of my father coming back threatened to spin me into a panic attack, I distracted myself by texting him a homework question.
I found that I could do those things now, because I knew I had something to look forward to. He had become the safe place where I could let down my defenses. I wasn’t focusing on my family all the time. I wasn’t dwelling on the negative because I had the best version of positive in the form of my boyfriend. This house had become a temporary pitstop for me. It wasn’t the cell I spent most of my waking hours trapped inside. It was a means to an end. A place to lay my head at night. Because in the morning when I woke up, I knew better was waiting for me.
So much better.
I knew that sounded pathetic, but for me, someone who had never had anyone besides Joey, it was bewildering. For the first time in my life, I had someone who was just for me. I didn’t have to share him with my brothers or my friends. I didn’t have to compromise or double check. He was mine. Just mine.
I savored every minute I got to spend with him at school, and even then, it was never enough. The kisses weren’t enough. The hand holding wasn’t enough. The nights I snuck out of the house to drive around in his car with him until the sun came up weren’t either. Nothing seemed to be enough when my body and heart continuously screamed out for more.
Every morning I woke up for school, it was with hope in my heart, because I knew I would get to see him. I knew that once 07:45 rolled around, Johnny Kavanagh would pull up outside my house, after his gym session, and sit on my garden wall, taunting Mam and Darren, until I came outside and climbed into his car. He was like clockwork, so rigid in his routine, and I found it deeply comforting. When Johnny told you that he would be there, he would be there. He was never late, and he never cancelled.
Once I climbed in that car with him, the best part of my day would begin. Lunch breaks, stolen kisses between classes, steaming up the windows of his Audi…it was everything and not nearly enough all at once.
Dragging myself from my thoughts, I turned to look at Johnny. We were sitting on the hilly bank after school, the one he had knocked me down on all those months ago, watching the team train, and I knew he was upset. He’d been quiet all day. I could feel it. All the smiles in the world couldn’t hide that. Not from me. Last week was hard for him, too. Tommen had lost the final against Levitt, and I knew he felt that loss deep in his bones as he watched on in dismay from the sidelines. Hooking my arm through his, I rested my cheek on his shoulder and whispered, ‘You’re going to make it, Johnny.’
‘Don’t put money on it,’ he replied quietly, hand moving to his thigh. ‘I don’t think it’s going to happen for me, Shan,’ he added, voice barely more than a whisper, as he adjusted the bandage I knew was strapped to his thigh beneath his school trousers. ‘Not this summer.’
‘I do,’ I countered, sliding my hand down his arm to link with his. ‘I know it.’ Entwining our fingers, I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. ‘You have your appointment with your doctor tomorrow, right?’
Johnny nodded, shoulders sagging. ‘But even if she signs me off to play, there’s not enough time to pull this back –’
‘Johnny, you don’t have anything to pull back,’ I urged. ‘You’re already the best.’ Releasing his hand, I twisted my body sideways so that I was kneeling with my knees touching his thighs, and reclaimed his hand. ‘You might only have six weeks left to train and prepare – or whatever it is you guys do –’ I scrunched my nose up at the thought of him getting smashed up on a pitch before quickly shaking the horrible image out of my head and continuing, ‘but you’ve already done all of the hard work. You’ve already impressed the coaches and you are weeks ahead of schedule on your recovery. You’ve earned this. It’s yours.’ Squeezing his hand, I smiled brightly at him. ‘You’re going to get that spot on the team and you are going to shine. I know it.’
His lips tipped upwards and he arched a brow. ‘Oh, you know it, do you?’
‘Yep.’ I nodded in confirmation. ‘I’m very wise.’
Chuckling, he stroked my cheek with his thumb. ‘God, you’re so adorable.’
‘Adorable?’ I grimaced. ‘Sookie’s adorable, Johnny. I’m supposed to be –’
‘Be?’ he teased, dipping his face closer to mine. ‘What are you supposed to be, baby?’
‘More than adorable,’ I breathed, losing focus now that his lips were so close to mine.
‘Cute?’ he purred, trailing his fingers under the hem of my school skirt. ‘Pretty?’ Smirking, he leaned closer and brushed his nose against mine. ‘Sexy?’
Nodding, I exhaled a shaky breath. ‘The last one.’
Suddenly, and without an ounce of warning, Johnny kissed me hard and pulled me on top of him. Throwing a leg over either side of his hips, I settled on his lap, our lips never parting as we kissed each other almost violently. His lap wasn’t a soft place to sit; the opposite in fact. He was ripped from head to toe and it was a painful test to my willpower to not touch. Especially when everything inside of me demanded I do just that. Touch, and pet, and rub…
Unable to stop myself, I snaked a hand in his hair and tugged. He rewarded my bravery with a small thrust of his hips. His hands were on my hips, coaxing and encouraging. It didn’t seem to matter to either of us that we were on school grounds with his teammates a stone’s throw away on the pitch.
‘You’re so fucking sexy.’ His voice was deep and husky and his words took my breath away. ‘You drive me crazy, Shannon like the river,’ he whispered against my lips, rocking my hips against his. ‘I want you so badly I can’t think straight anymore.’
A delicious shiver rolled down my spine and I sagged against him, the pressure in my chest too much to take, his words taking me further down the dark and terrifying path I was on with him. ‘Johnny?’
‘Yeah, Shan?’
‘There’s nobody at my house until six.’ Heart racing, I leaned back to look into his eyes. ‘Do you want to come over?’
His eyes darkened and his grip on my waist tightened. ‘Now?’
‘Now,’ I confirmed, breathless.
‘Should I have parked further up the street?’ Johnny asked between kisses as he stumbled into my bedroom with my body wrapped around his. ‘In case your mother or Darren come back early?’
Shaking my head, I reached around and slammed my bedroom door shut before turning back to crush my lips against his. ‘Forget about them,’ I encouraged, breathing hard, as I squeezed my thighs against his waist. ‘Turn off your brain.’
‘Ah fuck,’ he groaned, walking the small space from my door to my bed. ‘You’re going to get me killed, aren’t ya?’ His shins hit the base of the bed and then we were falling onto the mattress with Johnny landing heavily on top of me.
Wrestling around on my small single bed, I clambered out from beneath his big body and straddled his hips. Feeling victorious, I took his hands in mine and pinned them above his head, pressing them into the mattress. ‘Gotcha.’
Growling, Johnny bucked his hips sharply, causing me to fall forward on his chest. ‘Gotcha back,’ he purred before claiming my lips with his. I could feel my pulse thrumming in my veins as my blood turned to lava and my resolve disintegrated with every stroke of his tongue.
‘Listen, I don’t want to push you into anything you’re not ready to do,’ he said against my lips. ‘I have two hands and an excellent imagination – filled with images of you.’ Holding my face in his hands, he leaned back and stared at me. ‘I can wait.’
I stared at him, feeling more in this moment than I had my whole life. I could feel his heart hammering against his chest like a caged bird fluttering wildly, matching the rhythm of mine. Unable to form a coherent sentence, I reached for the hem of my school jumper and whipped it over my head, taking my school tie with it. Johnny’s eyes darkened as I moved for my white blouse, clumsily undoing the buttons.
‘Don’t–’ he began to say, but his words twisted into a pained growl when I let my blouse fall from my shoulders. ‘Jesus,’ he groaned, his hungry eyes roaming over my body. His tongue swept out, tracing his lower lip, as his stare remained riveted to my body.
My breath came out in a loud, breathy puff when I reached behind my back and unclasped my bra, wishing I had lacy bras like Claire and not plain cotton ones.
‘Fuck,’ Johnny growled, thrusting his hips upwards. His breath hitched in his throat when I slipped my bra off and tossed it on my bedroom floor. I could feel him hardening beneath me and the sensation sent a thrill through me. ‘You’re so beautiful.’
Sitting up with me in his lap, Johnny reached a hand behind his head, swiftly yanking his school jumper off before tossing it on my bedroom floor. Knotting his fingers in my hair, he pulled my face to his, kissing me hard and recklessly. Straddling his hips in nothing but my school skirt and knickers, I rocked against him, matching his recklessness with a fevered wildness of my own.
His hands moved from my hair to the front of his shirt to unbutton it, never taking his lips off mine as he worked. I reached behind my back and lowered the zipper of my skirt. Breaking the kiss, I clambered off the bed, trembling from head to toe, and let my skirt fall to the floor, never taking my eyes off his.
Standing in nothing but a pair of white, cotton knickers, I exhaled a shaky breath and whispered, ‘Hi, Johnny.’
‘Hi, Shannon,’ Johnny replied, voice strained, eyes dark and blazing, as he shrugged his shirt and tie off and tossed them on the floor. ‘Fuck, what are you doing to me, baby?’
My chest rose and fell rapidly when I climbed back onto his lap. ‘I love you,’ he said gruffly, brushing his lips against mine. I shivered when his arms came around me, the heat from his skin scorching mine. ‘So fucking much.’ His hand moved to my ass, pulling me closer for a long, drug-inducing moment, as he rocked me on his lap, grinding our bodies together. Growling, Johnny deepened our kiss, plunging his tongue into my mouth as he twisted around and knocked me onto my back. ‘So sexy.’ He sounded absolutely torn, and a little hopeful, as he settled between my legs. ‘So goddamn beautiful.’ His hands roamed all over my bare flesh as he trailed kisses down my neck. ‘You’re all I want.’
Moaning in encouragement, I tilted my hips upwards, groaning breathlessly when his body aligned with mine in the most primal of human ways, pressing hard against me.
‘I shouldn’t be doing this,’ he whispered, mouth hovering over my breasts. ‘It’s…’ his voice trailed off as he pulled my nipple into his mouth and sucked.
‘Johnny,’ I panted, knotting my hands in his hair, as he tormented me with delicious swipes of his tongue. ‘Don’t stop.’
‘Fuck…’ Releasing my breast, he moved back to my lips and thrust hard against me, so hard that the headboard of my bed banged against the wall. ‘Shite,’ he muttered, nestling his face in the crook of my neck. ‘I should stop,’ he groaned, but his actions proved opposite as he continued to feel me and kiss me and rock his hips against me.
Don’t stop.
I don’t care.
Just don’t stop.
‘Shh.’ I gripped his hips and tugged him closer, as the need inside of me blossomed and burned. I wanted him to push me deeper into this mattress. I wanted to feel every inch of him on me, in me, all of him inside all of me. I wanted more. ‘It’s okay.’
‘No, no, no…’ Johnny shook his head and groaned louder, shifting closer, nuzzling deeper. ‘I’m not thinking clearly–’ His hand moved to my hip, jerking me closer and clamping down hard. ‘Tell me to go.’
‘No.’ Heart racing, I arched against him. ‘Don’t go.’
‘Fuck,’ he groaned, as his big body shuddered under my touch. He exhaled a harsh breath against my neck that caused my skin to erupt in goosebumps. ‘It’s too soon –’
I trailed my trembling fingertips down his stomach, not stopping until I reached his belt buckle. ‘I don’t care.’ Sliding my fingers into the waistband of his school trousers, I inhaled a steadying breath and tugged hard. ‘Stay.’
His breathing was hard and uneven.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked, breathing hard, as I fumbled with the buckle of his belt. ‘Shannon, we can’t –’
‘Please?’ I breathed, freeing his belt buckle and popping the button on his trousers. ‘I want you.’
‘I don’t have a condom,’ he groaned in to my mouth, hips thrusting wildly. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Condoms,’ I moaned, bucking my hips up to meet his thrusts. ‘In Joey’s room.’ Raiding Joey’s bedroom wasn’t uncommon behavior for me, but planning to steal from his condom stash was a different matter entirely. I had no clue what I was thinking if I was being truthful with myself. I just wanted him. Badly.
‘No –’ Breaking our kiss, Johnny shook his head and stared down at me, eyes almost black with desire. ‘Not like this.’
‘Don’t you want me?’ I whispered, feeling my heart sink.
‘You know I want you,’ he panted, pressing his forehead to mine. ‘I only want you.’
‘Then why –’
‘Because I’m not taking your virginity in this house, Shannon!’ he growled, jaw clenched. ‘On an after-school whim, with your brother’s fucking condom.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m not doing that, baby.’
‘I don’t mind, Johnny,’ I urged. ‘Honestly, I don’t.’
‘Well, I mind,’ he shot back, pulling himself up on his elbows. ‘I’m not having sex with you and skulking out the door an hour later because your family will be home.’ Groaning, he pressed a kiss to my lips and climbed off me. ‘You deserve better, and I’m not doing that to you.’ Chest heaving, he walked over to my bedroom window and leaned against the sill. ‘When we sleep together, I want us to sleep together.’ He looked over his shoulder, blue eyes blazing. ‘All night.’
Scrambling into a sitting position, I didn’t make a sound, too busy concentrating on trying to control the rapid rise and fall of my chest, as his words speared through my heart.
‘I want to make it good for you,’ he added, turning back to face me. ‘And I can’t do that on a timer.’
‘Oh,’ I finally breathed, watching him watch me. ‘O-okay.’
‘That doesn’t mean that I don’t want this.’ Exhaling heavily, Johnny walked back to the bed and sank down beside me. ‘Because I do, Shannon,’ he said gruffly, pulling me onto his lap. Smoothing my hair back, he pressed a soft kiss to my lips. ‘I just… I need to do right by you.’
‘Okay,’ I whispered, burying my burning face in the crook of his neck.
‘Are you mad at me?’ he asked hoarsely, nuzzling my bare shoulder with his nose as he trailed his fingers over my spine.
I shook my head, keeping my face buried in his neck. ‘No, I’m not mad at you, Johnny.’
‘No?’ He pressed a kiss to my shoulder. ‘You sure?’
‘Positive,’ I whispered, keeping a death grip on his neck. ‘I just want to keep you.’
He chuckled softly. ‘You can.’
‘You promise?’ I croaked out, clenching my eyes shut and tightening my hold on his poor neck.
‘I promise,’ he replied gruffly, pressing another kiss to my collarbone. ‘I’m already yours.’
‘What are we going to do, Johnny?’ I dared to ask the question that had been plaguing me for weeks. ‘When you get the call up?’
Johnny sighed heavily. ‘That’s an if, not a when, Shannon, and a very big one at that.’
‘You’re going to get the call,’ I strangled out, chewing on my lip nervously. ‘What happens when you go?’
‘I don’t know how that’s going to play out,’ he finally replied.
‘It’s scary,’ I admitted in a small voice. ‘Thinking about you going away soon.’
‘I know,’ he told me, voice thick. ‘It’s scary for me, too.’
‘Really?’ I asked shakily.
‘Of course! Shannon, I don’t want to leave you,’ he said, tightening his hold on me. ‘But if I make it onto the squad, it’s only for a month of the summer and then I’ll be back to you.’
I exhaled a ragged breath, panicked at the very thought of spending that long a time away from him. ‘I know.’
‘Don’t be sad,’ he coaxed, wrapping me up in his arms. ‘It might not even happen.’
It was going to happen.
Johnny was going to leave.
Just like he warned me months ago…
‘I love you, Shannon like the river,’ he said then, breaking through my depressing thoughts. ‘Only you.’ Leaning back so that I had no choice but to lift my face and look at him, he smirked. ‘Like a crazy fucking amount.’
‘I love you, too,’ I strangled out, voice thick with emotion, giving him back his words. ‘Like a crazy fucking amount.’
Pressing a gentle kiss to my lips, Johnny pulled back and whispered, ‘I want to make you feel good.’
My heart hammered wildly. ‘You do?’
He nodded slowly, blue eyes locked on mine. ‘Can I?’
I blew out a ragged breath and nodded weakly. ‘Yes.’
Shifting us around so that I was beneath him with my legs dangling off the side of the bed, he pressed the palm of his hand against my stomach, encouraging me to lie back down. ‘I want to taste you,’ he told me as he knelt on my bedroom floor and reached for the edge of my knickers. ‘Is that okay?’
Was it?
Oh god.
‘Yeah.’ Nodding eagerly, I sagged back against the duvet, arching my hips upwards as Johnny slid my underwear off and pushed my thighs apart.
My breathing was ragged and uneven as I pulled myself up on my elbows to see him, feeling both embarrassed and curious.
With his hands on my thighs, spreading me open, Johnny dipped his head and trailed his lips up the inside of my thigh before shifting his attention to my other thigh. ‘You’re perfect,’ he whispered, lips brushing against my most intimate of areas.
I felt his tongue swipe out, touching me, tasting me, and my eyes rolled back in my head. He did it again, and then again and again, until I was a panting, breathless mess, bucking wildly against his face.
‘Oh my god –’ Writhing on the bed, I reached for his head, digging my nails into his scalp, as he continued to torment me with his lips and tongue and fingers. ‘Johnny, I’m going to –’
‘Shh, Shan, ‘ he coaxed, dragging my hips to the edge of the bed and placing my legs over his shoulders. ‘I’m just getting started.’ And then his mouth was back, tongue teasing me, fingers plunging in and out, causing my back to arch off the bed.
‘Oh shit –’ Biting down hard on my fist, I pulled on his hair, too delirious with sensations to control myself. ‘I can’t…’ My body shook violently as tremors of illicit pleasure shot through me. ‘Oh god, I need –’
Bang, bang, bang…
‘Shannon?’ Darren’s voice filled my ears and I wanted to cry. ‘What are you doing in there?’
‘Oh fuck!’ Johnny’s head popped up from between my legs, wide-eyed and flushed. ‘Your brother.’
No…
‘Don’t stop,’ I begged, tugging on his hair. ‘Johnny, please –’
‘Shannon, if you don’t answer me, I’m coming in,’ Darren called out.
‘Don’t come in!’ I screamed at the top of my lungs as Johnny lunged for the door and turned the lock. ‘I’m getting dressed.’
Scrambling for my pajama bottoms under my pillow, I quickly dragged them on, eyes locked on Johnny who was digging through the pile of discarded clothes for his own. He tossed my shirt at me to put back on before grabbing his own.
‘He’s in there, isn’t he?’ my brother demanded from the other side of the door as I clumsily buttoned my blouse. ‘That’s his car parked up the street?’
‘Shite,’ Johnny mouthed as he slipped his shirt on. Leaving it unbuttoned, he pulled his jumper on, only to pull it back off when he realized it was my jumper. ‘I knew I should have moved the car.’
‘Open the door, Shannon,’ Darren demanded, banging loudly. ‘Right now.’
‘Fuck off,’ Johnny mouthed, giving my bedroom door the middle finger. ‘Asshole.’
Stifling a giggle, I darted off the bed and pushed open my bedroom window. ‘You can climb out here.’
‘I can’t jump down,’ Johnny hissed, gesturing to his crotch. ‘My dick.’
Now, I did laugh – loudly.
Johnny narrowed his eyes. ‘It’s not funny, Shan. I only just got it back working.’
‘He’ll kill you if you go out the door,’ I mouthed back at him.
Johnny rolled his eyes. ‘I’m shaking.’ Smirking, he added, ‘You really do shake all over just before you –’
‘Open the damn door, Shannon,’ Darren roared.
‘I’m getting dressed, Darren!’ I screamed back at him. ‘God!’ Turning back to Johnny, I mouthed, ‘What do I do?’
‘Open the door,’ he replied.
I shook my head. ‘No way.’
He nodded. ‘Yes way.’
‘Johnny.’
‘Shannon.’
‘Shannon Maud Lynch, open the fucking door or I’m going to kick it down!’ Darren bellowed.
Johnny arched a brow. ‘Your middle name is Maud?’
Cringing, I nodded. ‘My parents hate me.’
He grimaced in sympathy. ‘Ouch.’
‘I’m knocking this door down in five, four, three, two –’
‘Okay, okay, I’m coming!’ Summoning every ounce of bravery inside of me, I inhaled a steadying breath, walked over to the door and flicked the lock. ‘Just be cool,’ I whispered to myself as I cracked the door open just enough to pop my head out. ‘Hey, Darren, what’s up?’
‘Send him out,’ was my brother’s terse response. ‘Now.’
‘Who?’ I asked, playing dumb.
‘Your boyfriend.’
‘My boyfriend?’
Darren’s face turned purple. ‘Shannon, pack it in.’
‘It’s alright, Shan,’ Johnny said as he gently tugged me away from the door before swinging it inwards. ‘Before you say it, I’m already leaving,’ he told Darren. ‘And, no, I won’t do it again.’
‘Not so fast,’ my brother growled, folding his arms across his chest. ‘Are you being safe with my sister?’
‘I’m not talking about Shannon with you or anyone else,’ Johnny replied, jaw clenched.
‘Oh, you can bet your hotshot ass you’re going to talk to me,’ Darren growled. ‘I’m her brother.’
‘Her brother,’ Johnny agreed, folding his arms across his chest. ‘Not her fucking keeper.’
‘Darren,’ I spluttered. ‘Stop.’
‘Don’t ‘Darren’ me,’ he shot back, glaring at me. ‘Your blouse is inside out and buttoned all wrong, and you’re locked up in your bedroom –’ he gestured stiffly to Johnny, ‘with him looking like every teenage girl’s wet dream.’
‘Oh my god,’ I choked out, mortified. ‘Stop talking.’
‘Are you protecting her?’ he continued, directing his question at Johnny. ‘Are you being safe? Am I going to have to worry about her coming home with a plus one?’
‘What I do or don’t do with Shannon is none of your bleeding business,’ Johnny shot back, looking wholly enraged. ‘So, back the fuck off.’
‘It’s my business if she comes home pregnant –’
‘No,’ Johnny snapped, interrupting him. ‘It’s my business if that happens. Not yours, or any other member of your fucked-up family. It’s mine.’ Turning back to me, he pressed a kiss to my cheek and said, ‘Bye, Shannon,’ before stalking out of my bedroom.
‘Bye, Johnny,’ I croaked out.
‘Don’t let me catch you in my sister’s room again, Kavanagh,’ Darren called after him.
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Johnny shot back, not missing a beat. ‘I’ll call you later, babe.’
‘Yeah,’ I breathed, staring after him as he disappeared down the staircase. ‘Okay.’
‘If Mam had caught him in here, this would have ended very differently,’ Darren grumbled when the front door slammed shut.
Unable to wipe the smile from my face, I walked over to my bed and flopped down with a contented sigh.
‘Shannon?’ Darren pressed, leaning in my bedroom doorway. ‘Are you even listening to me?’
‘No,’ I replied softly. ‘I’m really not.’
‘Jesus,’ he muttered to himself. ‘You’re in trouble, girl.’
Didn’t I know it…
