I felt like I was standing waist deep in the debris from the storm that had just blown through my world, and clueless as to how to proceed.
Reeling, I tried to make sense of the events of the last sixteen years of my life, but kept honing in on the last twenty-four hours.
Mam, Darren, Joey, Johnny, Gibsie, Claire, Mrs. Kavanaghโฆmy father.
Always my father.
It had been the most uncomfortable cup of tea Iโd ever slurped my way through in Mrs. Kavanaghโs kitchen earlier, with Joey looking like something hell had thrown up sitting beside me, staring in confusion at the scone and clotted cream on his side plate. I had no idea what to say to Johnnyโs mother, and it was made worse again by the sobbing fits that took her over every time she looked at me and Joey.
The drive back to our house was equally as uncomfortable, made marginally better by the feel of Johnnyโs hand on mine and the sound of the light flow of conversation between Mrs. Kavanagh and my brother. I think Joey was so startled by Mrs. Kavanagh fussing over him, so completely caught off guard by her kindness, that when she told him to climb into the front seat of her Range Rover, he complied without a fuss.
I had no idea how she had the ability to get words out of Joey, but whenever she asked him a question, he dutifully answered her. She kept the tone light, never once asking either of us a thing about our father, choosing safer topics to discuss โ like school, hurling, and his girlfriend, and Joey had responded with genuine, un-snappy answers that were completely un-Joey-like.
However, my elation over having my brother come home with me was overthrown by conflict the minute we pulled up outside my house. What I presumed would be a civilized conversation between two mothers had quickly gone to hell the moment my mother made a derogatory suggestion that Johnny had somehow taken advantage of me.
Iโd never seen a woman lose her cool as quickly as Mrs. Kavanagh had.
All it took was those two words and Johnnyโs mother blew a head gasket.
It was shocking to watch a usually mild-mannered woman morph into full-blown mama-bear mode and attack.
Iโd never seen a woman defend her child as fiercely as she had.
None of us hadโฆ
Not even Darren, who seemed to have a knack of calming a situation, could settle our mothers down as all hell had broken out right there and then in our front garden, in full view of my little brothers, with Johnny having to physically carry his mother out of the garden before they came to blows.
Terrible things had been said, our dirty laundry had been aired loudly, and the entire time Joey had leaned against the garden wall with his arms folded across his chest, silently taking it all in, and never once moving to intercept the drama.
The rage swelling up inside of my body, even now, hours later, was both a foreign emotion and a dominant one.
Never in my life had I felt soย furious.
Statutory rape.ย Two words that were swirling around in my head, making it hard for me to function.
How could she say that?
How could my mother evenย thinkย that?
I was so embarrassed; so completely taken apart by it all.
โShannon Lynch? I love you backโฆโ
My heart slammed wildly against my ribcage and I snapped.
โHow could you do that to me?โ I demanded for the millionth time, glaring at my mother who was now sitting at the kitchen table with her mandatory cigarette balancing between her boney fingers.
She didnโt answer me.
She hadnโt answered a single one of my questions for over an hour, but I couldnโt let it go.
Iย couldnโtย walk away.
Not this time.
โWhy, Mam?โ I hissed, tears dripping down my cheeks. โDo you hate meย thatย much?โ
She shuddered, her frail shoulders jerking violently, as she stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray before quickly sparking up another one.
โAnswer me!โ I screamed, barely managing to restrain myself from reaching across the table and shaking her. โYou owe me that much, dammit!โ
โHeโs not safe for you, Shannon,โ was all she said, and her words were barely more than a broken whisper.
โYouโre going crazy,โ I choked out, shaking my head in horror. โYou are losing your bloody mind!โ
โI did the right thing. I did the right thing,โ Mam whispered over and over, as she sucked on her cigarette. โI protected you.โ
โHeโsย notย a problem for me,โ I choked out. โJohnnyโs a good person.โ A huge sob tore through my throat and I heaved, feeling so much pain and resentment that I felt I was drowning. โAndย youย scared him away. You pushed the one good thing in my life away from me.โ Sniffling, I batted my tears away, furious with myself, my mother, and the whole damn world. โHeโll never talk to me again,โ I strangled out, feeling the threat of a panic attack nip at my heels. โYou ruined everything for me!โ
โNo.โ She shook her head. โYouโll see, I did the right thing.โ
โMam,โ Darren, who was sitting opposite our mother, interjected. โYouโre not making any sense here.โ
โSheย canโtย make sense of it,โ I strangled out, pointing an accusing finger at her. โBecause she knows sheโs wrong.โ
โIโm not wrong,โ Mam whispered, trembling. โHeโs just like your father.โ
โMam!โ Darren snapped. โDonโt say that.โ
โItโs true,โ she whispered, flicking ash into the ashtray and taking another deep drag. โHeโll be just like her father.โ
โStop it!โ I screamed. โStop trying to do that to him.โ
โYouโll be glad I stopped it,โ she whispered. โStopped you from making my mistakes.โ
โYouโre wrong,โ I hissed, blinking back the hot, scalding tears. โYouโre a fucking liar and Iย hateย you!โ
โShannon, thatโs enough!โ
โItโs not enough.โ Backing away, I put some distance between our bodies, because I honestly didnโt feel like I was in control of myself in this moment. โJoey was right.โ I blinked away my tears. โYouโre not good for us.โ
โCome on, Shannon.โ Darren groaned, rubbing his jaw. โScreaming and name-calling isnโt helping anyone โโ
โThen stop sitting there andย doย something,โ I begged, shaking so hard, I felt like I was about to convulse. โYou know this is wrong.โ My breath hitched and I hiccupped a pained sob. โYou know what she did wasย awful, and youโre just letting her get away with it.โ
โNo, Iโm not,โ he countered. โShe knows she was wrong, donโt you, Mam?โ
Silence.
โMam,โ Darren pushed, tone harder now. โTell Shannon that you know you were wrong.โ
Nothing.
โMam!โ Darren barked, voice cracking. โAnswer us.โ
โDonโt bother.โ Joeyโs voice cut through the stony silence and I spun around to find him leaning against the doorframe, casually observing the situation. โShe canโt hear you,โ he added, tone emotionless. โBecause sheโs broken.โ He looked Darren square in the eyes and said, โYouโll figure that out soon enough.โ
โJoe.โ Crying hard, I barreled towards him, not stopping until my face was buried in his chest. His chest that smelled like Johnny because he was still wearing his clothes. โMake this stop.โ
โThis is what you wanted, Darren,โ Joey said in an eerily calm tone as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. โYou wanted her home with us. One big, happy family.โ Tilting his head to one side, he gestured towards our mother and said, โI hope weโve met your expectations.โ
I half expected Darren to say something defensive, but he didnโt. He didnโt say a word.
Instead, he looked at our mother who was staring into her coffee stained mug and released a ragged breath. Shoving his chair back, he stood up and walked out of the kitchen without so much as a backwards glance.
A few seconds later, the sound of the front door slamming filled the air.
I threw my hands out and choked out a humorless laugh. โI donโt know why Iโm surprised anymore.โ
Exhaling heavily, Joey released his hold on me and walked into the kitchen, heading straight for the cooker. I watched as he silently went to work, filling a saucepan of water and then pouring the contents of a bag of pasta into it. Setting the saucepan down on the hob, he switched on the heat and flicked on the extractor fan overhead.
When he was done, he wiped his hands on the tea towel on the draining board before turning to face our mother. โGet up and take a shower,โ he ordered, tone void of all emotion. โI need to feed the boys and they donโt need to see you like this.โ
She flinched but didnโt move.
Like the million other times Iโd watched this exact scenario unfold through the years, Joey walked over to the table, snatched the cigarette from her lips and stubbed it out. He then proceeded to place both the ashtray and coffee cup on the draining board before returning to her side. โGet up,โ he repeated. โYou stink of smoke and cider.โ
Mam dropped her head in her hands and cried.
โGet up,โ he said for the third time.
Once again, Mam made no move to stand. Instead, she snaked a hand out and grabbed his hand, clutching it tightly in both of hers. โJoey,โ she sobbed, clinging to him. โJoey.โ
With a resigned sigh, Joey swooped down and gently helped her out of her seat. A thousand different emotions played across my brotherโs face as Mam leaned heavily on his rigid body, sniffling and sobbing against his chest.
โKeep an eye on the dinner, Shan,โ was all Joey said as he guided our mother out of the kitchen and up the old, wooden staircase.
And here we are,ย I thought to myself,ย back to square one.
I took a few minutes to compose myself, wiping my eyes and blowing my nose, and then drained the pasta and mixed in the jar of sauce before calling the boys in from the front room. โDinner.โ
Wordlessly, Ollie and Sean ambled over to the table, taking their usual seats. Dishing up their plates, I set them down in front of them with a glass of water each.
I waited for them to tuck into their food before turning to face Tadhg who was leaning against the fridge with his arms folded across his chest. โAre you hungry?โ I asked, holding a plate out to him.
He glared at the pasta in my hands for a long moment before turning around and walking away.
Tadhgโs silence spoke volumes and it matched my feelings. I knew he was furious, so was I, but he was reining it in because we had something back in our house, something that we were both desperate to not push away.
Not feeling one morsel of hunger, I sat at the table, in the chair my mother had vacated and waited for the boys to finish before cleaning off the table and washing the dishes.
Numb, I fell into the old age pattern that was my life, as I tidied up after the boys and helped Sean get dressed for bed. All the while, Joey dealt with Mam upstairs.
I found myself checking both the front and back door over and over again, making sure they were locked and then panicking when the sound of a car whizzing past outside filled my ears.
Breathe, Shannon.
Youโre fine.
Everythingโs going to be okay.
A little over an hour later, Joey returned to the kitchen. โSheโs asleep,โ he stated, moving for the plate of dinner I had set aside for him. โI gave her a couple of her valiums.โ
Nodding, I curled my fingers around my cup of tea and blew into the rim, never once taking my eyes off my brother as he heated his plate in the microwave.
Joey joined me at the table, where he ate in complete silence.
โAre you okay?โ I finally asked.
โNo,โ he replied quietly, setting his fork down on his empty plate. โAre you?โ
โNo.โ
He looked up at me then. โItโs going to be okay, Shan.โ
โWhich part?โ I whispered.
โThe Kavanagh part,โ he replied.
I exhaled a shaky breath and shook my head. โNo, it wonโt be.โ
Resting his elbows on the table, Joey drummed his fingers together. โAoifeโs pissed with me.โ
My head snapped up. โSince when?โ
He stared hard at his hands. โSince I fucked everything up.โ
My heart sank.
Damn you, Shane Hollandโฆ
โShe loves you,โ I offered, reaching for his hand. โSheโll forgive you, Joe, and you guys will sort it out.โ
He shook his head. โMaybe I donโt want her to.โ
I frowned. โWhat are you saying?โ
โIโm saying Iโm a fucking disaster, Shannon.โ He pushed his hair back with both hands and exhaled brokenly. โAnd she deserves better.โ
โAre you two broken up?โ
He shook his head slowly. โNo.โ
โThen itโs okay,โ I coaxed, desperate to comfort him. โItย willย be okay.โ
Joey shrugged. โI justโฆI donโt want her to watch me turn into hiโโ
A loud sound floated through the air, startling the both of us, and causing Joey to close his mouth.
Frowning, I patted my leg that was vibrating for a moment before remembering.
His phone.
Shaking, I dragged the phone out of my pocket and stared at the screen. It was a text fromย Ma.
โWho owns that?โ Joey asked, frowning.
โItโs Johnnyโs,โ I whispered, staring down at the expensive piece of equipment in my hands. โHe gave it to me.โ I looked at my brother. โItโs a message from his mother.โ
โRead it.โ
โWhat?โ I gaped at him. โI canโt.โ
Joey rolled his eyes. โItโs obviously him.โ
โReally?โ
Joey gave me a knowing look. โRead the fucking message, Shannon.โ
Heart fluttering wildly, I clicked into the message.
A crazy fucking amount. x
โYouโre right.โ I blew out a shaky breath. โItโs him.โ
โTold you,โ Joey replied. โHeโs not running on you, Shan.โ
โAre you?โ I asked, looking at my brother. โRunning on Aoife?โ
Guilt clouded his eyes, but he didnโt respond.
And just like earlier with Tadhg, Joeyโs silence spoke volumes.