I watched in disbelief as the yacht docked.
Maddy was already off the pontoon and running toward me across the beach. She skidded to a halt in front of me, still catching her breath from the sprint. “This bitch,” she managed.
Justin stood next to me. “You didn’t invite her?”
“No the fuck we did not,” Maddy said, glaring over her shoulder at Mom getting off the boat.
Amber was in a flowing white-and-peach chiffon summer dress with a slit up the thigh. Her long brown hair was down, she had on a floppy wide- brimmed hat and huge sunglasses. She was carrying a bottle of champagne in one hand and her sandals in the other, dangling off the tips of her fingers. She was beaming, running toward us across the beach, kicking up sand. “Emma!” She laughed.
Despite my shock and the lasers I could feel coming out of Maddy’s eyes, I smiled. Mom…
That old thrill ran through me. The one I always got when she showed up again unexpectedly, to rescue me, or surprise me, or finally take me home. I ran toward her. And when I met her in the middle of the lawn and she hugged me, I was so overwhelmed with relief, I started to cry.
I was a little girl again. Catapulted back to eight years old, in the arms of my mother. She smelled the way she always did during good times. Like roses. The smell was strong and fresh and I felt myself reset back to zero.
That scent was a barometer. When she stopped putting it on, it meant she was getting closer to disappearing again. When she started losing interest in self-care, she’d start losing interest in everything. Her job, her
responsibilities.
Me.
It was strange how I realized I knew this, without ever consciously knowing it. The fading scent of roses would make me brace. Make me hyperaware of her comings and goings. Make me try harder to be less of a burden so maybe she wouldn’t feel the need to put me down again and go.
Do well in school. Do my own laundry. Make my own food. Don’t ask for anything. Don’t need anything. Clean up after myself. Then after her. Be helpful. Be invisible. Be small.
She broke away from me and smiled.
I wiped under my eyes and her hat blew off and she laughed with a hand to her hair as it tumbled toward the water. The man who’d been driving the yacht was coming up the beach. He leaned over and grabbed it on his way.
He was good looking. Maybe early fifties. Strong jaw, a full head of gray hair, chin dimple, tall. He wore a pink polo and white shorts. Mom gave him one of her dazzling grins as he came up next to her.
“Emma, you won’t believe my day,” she said, looking back at me. “So I wanted to surprise you. I flew all the way over here on a red-eye, got an Uber, and came out to the address you gave me, but when I knocked on the door this handsome man answered instead.”
The handsome man put a hand out. “Neil.”
I shook it, realizing I was meeting our landlord. Maddy must have realized it too, because she came over with Justin following right behind her.
“This is Maddy,” I said. “And that’s Justin.”
Mom smiled at Maddy, who gave her a stiff “hey.” My date extended a hand to Neil. “Nice to meet you.” They shook and Justin tipped his head at Mom, who was putting her hat back on.
“What a day,” Neil said, looking at Mom. “Here I thought it was going to be just another boring Tuesday and then there’s a beautiful woman standing on my porch.”
She peered up at him with stars in her eyes, and he grinned.
She talked to me but looked at him. “After a minute or two we realized that you’re renting his cottage.” She turned back to me. “It was still early and I didn’t want to call you and wake you up, so he invited me in for a coffee and we just couldn’t stop talking. Then he got the idea to drive me
out to the island and drop me off, so we got on the boat, and we just ended up cruising around instead. We spent the whole day on the water. We stopped at Lord Fletcher’s and had drinks—”
“Thanks for taking care of her,” Maddy said flatly.
“We were going to grill some lobsters,” Neil said, putting a thumb over his shoulder toward the pool. “Would you like to join us?”
Mom gasped happily. “Yes! You should all join us! I was going to make a Bloody Mary bar!”
Maddy started shaking her head. “We’re still unpacking—”
“Oh, you can do that later,” Mom said, waving her off. “What’s one more hour? Neil’s having Maine lobsters delivered!”
“It’s settled then,” Neil said, rubbing his hands together. “I’ll get some appetizers started.”
Mom smiled up at him. “If you aren’t the best host I’ve ever met.”
He beamed and nodded to the back of the house. “Let’s all head to the pool and find some shade.” Then he and Mom left us standing there while they laughed and chatted on their way to the outdoor bar.
I turned stiffly back to Maddy and Justin.
“Are you kidding me with this?” Maddy hissed as soon as they were out of earshot. “She’s here for what? Six hours? And she’s already hypnotized our landlord?”
I chewed my lip. “We don’t know that.” I watched Maddy scowl at something over my shoulder and when I turned around Neil had a palm on Mom’s lower back. She leaned into him in a way that definitely didn’t look like this was the first time he’d touched her.
Shit.
“That woman scorches the earth,” Maddy whispered. “This is so fucked.”
“She’ll probably only stay a few days,” I said, my voice low. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
She scoffed. “Come on. You know exactly why she’s here. You gave her the address, she googled it, she saw this big-ass house, and she caught the very next plane to get in on whatever you had going on. And now she’s boning that guy and it’s gonna be alllll the drama.”
“What is she going to do?” Justin asked, looking back and forth between
us.
Maddy crossed her arms. “What she always does? Show up and leave a path of destruction in her wake? She’s not staying with us,” she said in her end-of-discussion voice.
But it was pretty clear Mom had her eyes on a much more comfortable house than ours.
“You need to tell her to leave,” Maddy said. My head jerked back. “No!”
“What the hell do you mean no?”
“I haven’t seen her in almost two years, Maddy.”
“So?” She threw up a hand. “See her. But make her get a hotel room. We don’t need to burn bridges with the man we’re renting from. It’s going to be a shitshow.”
“She’s not going to listen to me,” I said, lowering my voice. “You know that.”
Maddy rolled her eyes in the way that I knew meant she was aware. “Please tell me I don’t have to stay and watch you eat crustaceans with that woman. Let’s just go back to the island and you see her tomorrow or something when she’s done with what’s-his-face.”
“I want to have dinner with my mom, Maddy.”
She put a thumb to her chest. “If you stay I have to stay. I’m not leaving you alone to third wheel it on whatever the hell that is.”
“I’ll stay,” Justin said. We both looked at him.
“It’s no problem,” he said. “I can stay as late as you need. I can get Brad to run over and walk the dog. I don’t mind.”
I looked back the way Mom and Neil had gone. “The couples thing probably would be a better dynamic.” Considering they’re on a date.
“Excellent,” Maddy said. “Deal. Call me when you need me to pick you up. Justin, come push me off the dock.” She turned and stomped toward the lake.
I looked back at Justin tiredly as Maddy made her way down the lawn. “She’s… intense?” he said.
I blew a breath through my nose. “She’s protective. We’ve been through a lot together. She doesn’t want to see me get hurt.”
“Are you going to get hurt?”
Yes, I thought. “No,” I said. “Are you sure you don’t mind being here?”
Justin shook his head. “I don’t mind. I like crustaceans.”
“If you need to go, you totally can. Just wait until Maddy leaves so she doesn’t think she’s leaving me here alone.”
“I wouldn’t dream of leaving you.” He gave me that cute, dimpled smile he’d been giving me all day.
Maddy shouted from the dock. “Justin! Are you coming or what?” Justin grinned good-naturedly. “I’ll be right back.”
I watched him walk to the beach and I let out a long breath. Maddy was right. This was bad. Mom never left anywhere on good terms. Not jobs, or apartments, or relationships. Especially relationships.
I felt so tired all of a sudden. Seeing Mom was great, a wonderful surprise. But at the same time, I wished she wasn’t here.
But then I’d just be worried about where she was.
It was like there was no peaceful place to exist, no emotional safe space. I could have chaos, or I could have worry. I could be in the tornado, or I could be in the eye. But I could never be out of the storm. It was so, so exhausting to live this way and I had always lived this way because when it came to my mother, I didn’t know how to not care. I never felt calm except for the fleeting time her perfume was strong and I knew she was okay.
But I am never really okay.
Justin pushed Maddy off the dock and started back up the beach.
I felt relieved the instant he said he would stay with me because it let Maddy off the hook. She would walk through hell for me—and this cookout was her hell. I was glad she didn’t have to be here. Sometimes her reaction to Mom was more stressful than Mom herself.
“Emma, your drink!” Mom sang, coming down from the pool with two Bloody Marys with celery, an olive, and a carrot stick poking out of the top. She made it to me the same time Justin did.
Mom gave me my glass and turned her attention on my date. “Justin.” She tried to hand him his drink, but he put up a hand. “I’m not a fan of tomato juice.”
“Oh. Okay. How about a beer?” He nodded. “Sure. Thank you.”
“Any requests? He’s got a full bar.” “Surprise me.”
“You got it.” She winked at him.
Mom turned and made her way back drinking his Bloody Mary. Justin plucked the carrot out of my glass and tossed it in a bush.
“Thanks.” I looked back at the lake, at Maddy fading into the distance on the pontoon. “And thanks for pushing her off.”
“Yeah, I think she had an ulterior motive in asking.” I looked back at him. “Which was?”
“Uh, she threatened my life, actually. Told me if I hurt you, she’d kill me. Said they’d never find my body.” He looked back at the pontoon for a second and then back to me. “I kinda believe her.”
“Ugh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. The good news is, I’m not going to hurt you, so I get to live.” He nodded toward the pool. “Are you really worried about this situation?”
I chewed on my lip. “I don’t know. Maybe she’s doing better? She looks good.”
He peered over in the direction Mom had gone. “You look just like her.” “I know.”
“It’s kind of hard to imagine her in jail.” I let out a sigh. “I know,” I said again.
But then this was Mom at her best. Charming and fun. When she was at her worst, it wasn’t hard to imagine at all.
 |
Three hours later, we were in the pool.
It had gotten so hot, Neil offered us some spare swim trunks and bathing suits that he had in the pool house. I was in a slightly too tight tropical- looking two-piece halter with green palm fronds on it. Justin had on black trunks that fit him perfectly.
In addition to being handsome, Justin also had a very nice body.
Maddy had been right about his height. He was probably about six-one. He was on the leaner side, but toned. I’d had to put sunblock on him and there was not a single part of that that I disliked.
I felt a little bad that he’d stayed. I was only able to half listen to whatever Justin and I were talking about because I was so focused on Mom, which was funny because she was not focused on me.
Maddy’s impulse not to leave me as a third wheel had been right. Mom was so busy fawning over Neil, she was practically ignoring me.
“So what does she do for a living?” Justin asked, watching Mom laugh a little too loudly at something Neil said over by the outdoor grill. The lobsters had just been brought out and Neil was holding one up, showing it to her.
“She waits tables or bartends. She was a drink cart girl at a golf course until… today I guess.”
He peered over at her. “You said you haven’t seen her in almost two years?”
“Yeah.”
“Weird she isn’t spending more time with you.”
The tiniest twinge of… I don’t know what… pecked at me. Hurt?
Jealousy maybe? Embarrassment that Justin noticed this—all three?
A part of me wished she hadn’t met Neil so I could have more of her attention. But there was another part of me that was glad she had a distraction. That I wasn’t going to have to entertain her or be fully responsible for her while she was here. But then I was simultaneously worried that she was going to do something to upset Neil and I’d have to deal with that and the Maddy fallout afterward.
My anxiety pitched around inside me, and I kept trying to bring it back to the fact that at least Mom was safe and I knew where she was and I was getting to see her—even if she didn’t seem that interested in seeing me at the moment.
“It’s okay,” I said to Justin. “Gives me more time to hang out with you.” I smiled at him, but it didn’t feel like it reached my eyes.
“So why did she come anyway?” he asked.
Then suddenly I remembered. Stuffie. I stood up. “Mom?” I called. “Where’s Stuffie?”
Mom looked over at me from her seat by the grill. “He’s in my luggage.
Just wait, I’ll grab him.”
I started climbing out of the pool. “No, I’ll get him. I don’t want to forget him.” I picked up my towel from the recliner where I’d left it, and Justin started getting out after me.
“My bags are still in the yacht,” Mom said.
Neil nodded at us. “It’s open. Actually, Justin, would you mind pulling
Amber’s luggage down for me? She’ll be staying with me.” “Sure,” Justin said, toweling off.
Mom beamed up at Neil and he gave her a smitten look that I had to turn away from as I walked barefoot to the dock.
