I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car with my dog on my lap. Alex was driving. Another lesson. We were on side streets and he was doing well enough that I felt safe checking my texts. This morning Emma and I had swapped Spotify playlists. I just finished hers.
Emma: Well? What do you think?
I keyed into my phone.
Me: Not bad. I like the throwback with More Than Words by Extreme. A little too much of 1975 and Nothing But Thieves, but I think the Lola Simone tracks make it work overall.
I smiled at my screen at the Emma is Typing popup.
Emma: More Than Words is Maddy’s favorite song, it’s in there for her. I’m still listening to yours. It’s three hours long. And you have an almost nine-minute song on there about someone ending up in the belly of a whale? What is actually wrong with you?
Me: The Mariner’s Revenge is a cult classic. Chelsea calls it the pirate song, she likes it. Do you ever think about the children, Emma? No. You only think about yourself.
She sent me a long row of laughing emojis and: “Am I the asshole?”
I beamed at my phone.
Our second date would be tonight. It had been six days since dinner at Mom’s and I’d been looking forward to seeing her all week. I was taking her to Stillwater, a small town on the St. Croix River. Ice cream shops and antique stores, a river walk. My favorite wine bar for dinner.
I might kiss her tonight. I almost did the other night at the dock, but then Amber showed up. I was looking forward to the do-over.
Alex and I finished the driving lesson and went to Burger King for lunch. I just got food for my brother. Sarah was at Josie’s and Chelsea already had dino nuggets. Leigh and Mom were home, but they didn’t want anything. They were going out tonight for their last hurrah before Mom went away.
She left tomorrow.
The last week had been a daily countdown of activities Mom planned to make as many memories as she could before she left. She took the kids to the zoo, then up to Duluth. Did a movie night in the living room, spent a day at the lake with everyone. I went to as much of it as I could around work. Tonight was her last night out with her best friend and then tomorrow she got dropped off at the prison.
It was weird how normal today felt against the tectonic shift that would take place twenty-four hours from now.
I was glad I had Emma here. It was a distraction. Something to look forward to when pretty much everything else was awful.
We got to Mom’s and I came inside with Alex to say hi. I was in a rush. I had to stop at Brad’s, then go home and get ready for my date, then I had to drive to go get Emma. But the opportunities to come in and say hi to Mom were running out, and I didn’t want to waste one.
I’d tried to be softer with her the last few days. The energy shift I’d had over Mom after my talk with Emma was almost as bad as being mad at her. At least when I was mad, I didn’t feel the guilt I was feeling now.
I thought about Emma’s island, the metaphorical one she’d told me about. And it made me wonder if we all have an island sometimes and maybe Mom had been on hers alone and I hadn’t known. This ate away at me now.
Mom was at the kitchen table with Leigh already petting my excited dog before I came in. I gave her a small squeeze on her shoulder before I sat down next to her.
“I can’t stay long,” I said. “Just wanted to come in and say hi. I’ve got a date.”
“Oh? With who?” Mom asked. “Her name’s Emma,” I answered.
“She’s cool,” Alex said, taking a bite of his burger. “I met her the other night. She’s like, superhot.”
“Sweetie, don’t chew with your mouth open,” Mom said. “Will I get to meet her?”
The full question hovered between us. Will I get to meet her before I go?
And no, Mom wouldn’t get to meet her.
“She’s got a busy schedule at the hospital,” I said. “I only get to see her once a week myself.”
That was true. But the real reason was that Emma didn’t want to meet her.
I got it. I guess if you’re always a few weeks away from leaving, what’s the point in getting to know the family of the people you date? You barely have time to get to know the person you’re dating.
This was another thing I was trying not to think about—her leaving. I should be happy that she came at all, that she wasn’t in Hawaii. We still had three more dates, maybe more if I could convince her. I’d already gotten a freebie the other night at Mom’s. But I dreaded the clock running out. Emma was the only good thing happening to me at the moment and when she was gone, not only would I lose her, I’d be left sitting in my new reality. Dad gone, Mom in prison. Me with all the children.
It was coming. Barreling at me faster and faster and it was almost here. And now that I’d met Emma, it was more than that.
When she left, I wouldn’t be able to just fly out to wherever she was—if she’d let me. And I would want to fly out to wherever she was. I knew this, even a week and a half in. And now I wouldn’t get to explore it or pursue it the way I wanted to.
This thing with Mom had changed the path of my whole life. Altered my fate, thrown my course off its trajectory.
I could work from anywhere. What would have stopped me from leaving with her in a few weeks if she’d wanted me to? My lease was almost up, Brad had moved on. It was like this was the plan that the universe had set up for me. This was what was supposed to happen.
But that alternate reality was gone now. Now I’d just have the What-If.
And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
I got up, said my goodbyes, and left. Drove to Brad’s.
When I knocked, Faith let me in. “Hey.” She pushed the door open and called up the stairs. “Brad, Justin’s here.” She turned to give me a look. “With his dog.”
I grinned at her and she made an exasperated noise and left me there.
Brad jogged down the steps and Benny came around the corner from the living room at the same time. The guys were installing a TV and then having a couples dinner tonight. They’d invited me and Emma, but I’d opted for the private date night instead.
I didn’t think she wanted to meet my friends for the same reason she didn’t want to meet my family, and anyway I wanted to spend time with her alone.
“To what do I owe the honor of this visit?” Brad said. “I’m here for my shirt.”
He pulled his face back. “The Toilet King shirt? You can’t ask for it. If you actually want it, it’s not funny.”
“Not my problem. If she checks the Stupid Shirt option on the what-to- wear part of the surveys I send her, I’m gonna need it.”
“Dumbass. Hold on.”
Benny came out on the porch and I took a seat while he crouched to pet my dog.
Brad came back out and tossed me the shirt, then he chucked a bag of something at my chest and I caught it in my lap.
“I got you some of those dark chocolate peanut butter cups you like from work. Figured you might be missing the perks of living with me.” He dropped into the rocking chair next to mine.
“I do love Trader Joe’s,” I said, smiling at the bag. “Nothing like a grocery store that makes you have to visit another grocery store right after.”
Benny cracked up.
Brad stopped rocking and narrowed his eyes at me. “Take that back.” “I absolutely will not.”
He leaned forward. “With as much disrespect as I can manage, Justin, fuck you.”
I laughed.
Brad sat back into his chair. “So how’s it going with the girl?” he asked. “It’s going,” I said. “I like her. A lot.”
“How much longer is she here?” Benny asked, taking the seat next to Brad.
I sat with my elbows on my knees. “Four and a half more weeks.” “Can she sign another contract? Stay longer?” Benny asked.
“I mean I guess in theory she could. Though I don’t know if she will.” “Have you hooked up with her yet?” Brad asked.
“I haven’t even kissed her yet.”
“Oh, well there you go,” Brad said. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing if she leaves. You gotta give her the magic peen.”
“Ha. I will take that under advisement.”
I stared absently at the bag of chocolates in my hand. Brad was studying me. I could feel it. I looked up. “What?”
“Dude. You’re fucking sprung.” “I said I like her.”
He shook his head. “Naw. You’re whipped. It’s all over your face. Tell him, Benny, he looks whipped.”
Benny nodded sagely.
“This is how it starts,” Brad said. “They get you by the balls. Next thing you know you’re going to musicals.”
“Uh, I like musicals.” “You would.”
I scoffed.
“How you doing with the moving-back-in thing?” Benny asked.
I puffed out my cheeks. “Talked with Mom about how we should do it. We’re going to pack up her room and put everything in storage after she leaves, move me into the primary bedroom.”
“Yeah, we wanted to talk to you about that,” Brad said. “About what?” I asked.
“We want to fix it up for you,” Benny said. “When I got sick and I had to move back into my mom’s place, the worst part was how old everything was. We want to replace the blinds, paint.”
“We could pull up that old carpet too. Retile the bathroom,” Brad said. “Really do it up nice.”
I felt my face soften. They got this. They understood what this was like for me.
“Sound good?” Brad said.
“Yeah,” I said. “Thank you. There’s actually something else you can help me with too,” I said, looking at them. “I need help making sure I can still see Emma until she goes.”
Benny nodded. “Yeah, of course.”
“I might need a sitter,” I said. “Or someone to watch the dog last minute.”
“Totally,” Brad said. “Done. I’m sure Jane and Faith will help too.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it. And I definitely want to retile the bathroom. I will absolutely take you up on that.” I looked at my watch. “I have to get going.”
“Let’s plan something together,” Brad said, pushing up on his thighs. “Faith wants to meet her.”
“Yeah,” I said, though I knew it probably wouldn’t happen. I was barely getting enough of her for me
