Of all the secrets Iโve held over the last few months, Iโm the saddest about keeping everything from my mother. I donโt know how sheโll take it. I know sheโll be excited about the pregnancy, but I donโt know how sheโll feel about me and Ryle splitting up. She loves Ryle. And based on her history with these types of situations, sheโll probably ๏ฌnd it very easy to excuse his behavior and try and convince me to take him back. And in all honesty, thatโs part of the reason Iโve been stalling this, because Iโm scared thereโs a chance she might be successful.
Most days Iโm strong. Most days Iโm so mad at him that the thought of ever forgiving him is ludicrous. But some days I miss him so much I canโt breathe. I miss the fun I had with him. I miss making love to him. I missย missingย him. He used to work so many hours that when he would walk in the front door at night I would rush across the room and jump in his arms because I missed him so much. I even miss how much he loved it when I would do that.
Itโs the not-so-strong days when I wish my mother knew about everything that was going on. I sometimes just want to drive over to her house and curl up on the couch with her while she tucks my hair behind my ear and tells me itโll all be okay. Sometimes even grown women need their motherโs comfort so we can just take a break from having to be strong all the time.
I sit in my car, parked in her driveway, for a good ๏ฌve minutes before I work up the strength to go inside. It sucks that I have to do this because I know that in a way, Iโll be breaking her heart, too. I hate it when sheโs sad and telling her I married a man who might be like my father is going to make her really sad.
When I walk through the front door, sheโs in the kitchen layering noodles in a pan. I donโt remove my coat right away for obvious reasons. Iโm not wearing a maternity shirt but my bump is
almost impossible to hide without a jacket. Especially from a mother.
โHey, sweetie!โ she says.
I walk into the kitchen and give her a side hug while she layers cheese over the top of the lasagna. Once the lasagna is in the oven, we walk over to the dining room table and take a seat. She leans back in her chair and takes a sip from a glass of tea.
Sheโs smiling. I hate it even more that she looks so happy right now.
โLily,โ she says. โThereโs something I need to tell you.โ
I donโt like this. I was coming over here to talk toย her. Iโm not prepared toย receiveย a talk.
โWhat is it?โ I ask hesitantly.
She grips her glass of tea with both hands. โIโm seeing someone.โ
My mouth drops open.
โReally?โ I ask, shaking my head. โThatโs . . .โ Iโm about to sayย good, but then I grow instantly worried that sheโs just put herself in a similar situation she was in with my father. She can see the worry on my face, so she grabs my hands in both of hers.
โHeโs good, Lily. Heโs so good. I promise.โ
Relief washes over me in an instant, because I can see sheโs telling the truth. I can see the happiness in her eyes. โWow,โ I say, not expecting this at all. โIโm happy for you. When can I meet him?โ
โTonight, if you want,โ she says. โI can invite him over to eat with us.โ
I shake my head. โNo,โ I whisper. โNowโs not a good time.โ
Her hands squeeze around mine as soon as she realizes Iโm here to tell her something important. I start with the better part of the news ๏ฌrst.
I stand up and remove my jacket. At ๏ฌrst, she doesnโt think anything of it. She just assumes Iโm making myself comfortable. But then I take one of her hands and I press it against my stomach. โYouโre gonna be a grandma.โ
Her eyes widen and for several seconds, sheโs stunned speechless. But then tears begin to form. She jumps up and pulls me into a hug. โLily!โ she says. โOh my God!โ She pulls back,
smiling. โThat was so fast. Were you trying? You havenโt even been married for very long.โ
I shake my head. โNo. It was a shock. Believe me.โ
She laughs and after another hug, we both sit down again. I try to keep up my smile, but itโs not the smile of an elated expectant mother. She sees that almost immediately. She slides a hand over her mouth. โSweetie,โ she whispers. โWhatโs the matter?โ
Until this moment, Iโve fought to remain strong. Iโve fought to not feel too sorry for myself when Iโm around other people. But sitting here with my mother, I crave weakness. I just want to be able to give up for a little while. I want her to take over and hug me and tell me itโll all be okay. And for the next ๏ฌfteen minutes while I cry in her arms, thatโs exactly what happens. I just stop ๏ฌghting for myself because I need someone else to do it for me.
I spare her most of the details of our relationship, but I do tell her the most important things. That heโs hurt me on more than one occasion, and I donโt know what to do. That Iโm scared to have this baby alone. That Iโm scared I might make the wrong decision. That Iโm scared Iโm being too weak and that I should have had him arrested. That Iโm scared Iโm being too sensitive and I donโt know if Iโm overreacting. Basically, I tell her everything I havenโt even been brave enough to fully admit to myself.
She retrieves some napkins out of the kitchen and comes back to the table. After our eyes are ๏ฌnally dry, she begins to crumple the napkin up between her hands, rolling it over in circles as she stares down at it.
โDo you want to take him back?โ she asks. I donโt say yes. But I also donโt say no.
This is the ๏ฌrst moment since this has happened that Iโm being completely honest. Iโm honest to herย andย to myself. Maybe because sheโs the only one I know who has been through this. Sheโs the only one I know who would understand the massive amounts of confusion Iโve been experiencing.
I shake my head, but I also shrug. โMost of me feels like Iโll never be able to trust him again. But a huge part of me grieves what I had with him. We were so good together, Mom. The times I spent with him were some of the best moments of my life. And occasionally I feel like maybe I donโt want to give that up.โ
I wipe the napkin beneath my eye, soaking up more tears. โSometimes . . . when Iโm really missing him . . . I tell myself that maybe it wasnโt that bad. Maybe I could put up with him when heโs at his worst just so I can have him when heโs at his best.โ
She puts her hand on top of mine and rubs her thumb back and forth. โI know exactly what you mean, Lily. But the last thing you want to do is lose sight of your limit. Please donโt allow that to happen.โ
I have no idea what she means by that. She sees the confusion in my expression, so she squeezes my arm and explains in more detail.
โWe all have a limit. What weโre willing to put up with before we break. When I married your father, I knew exactly what my limit was. But slowly . . . with every incident . . . my limit was pushed a little more. And a little more. The ๏ฌrst time your father hit me, he was immediately sorry. He swore it would never happen again. The second time he hit me, he was evenย moreย sorry. The third time it happened, it was more than a hit. It was a beating. And every single time, I took him back. But the fourth time, it was only a slap. And when that happened, I felt relieved. I remember thinking,ย โAt least he didnโt beat me this time. This wasnโt so bad.โ โ
She brings the napkin up to her eyes and says, โEvery incident chips away at your limit. Every time you choose to stay, it makes the next time that much harder to leave. Eventually, you lose sight of your limit altogether, because you start to think,ย โIโve lasted ๏ฌve years now. Whatโs ๏ฌve more?โ โ
She grabs my hands and holds them while I cry. โDonโt be like
me, Lily. I know that you believe he loves you, and Iโm sure he does. But heโs not loving you the right way. He doesnโt love you the way you deserve to be loved. If Ryle truly loves you, he wouldnโt allow you to take him back. He would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. Thatโs the kind of love a woman deserves, Lily.โ
I wish with all my heart that she didnโt learn these things from experience. I pull her to me and hug her.
For whatever reason, I thought I would have to defend myself to her when I came over here. Not once did I think I would come over here and learn from her. I should know better. I thought my
mother was weak in the past, but sheโs actually one of the strongest women I know.
โMom?โ I say, pulling back. โI want to be you when I grow up.โ
She laughs and brushes the hair from my face. I can see in the way she looks at me that sheโd trade spots with me in a heartbeat. Sheโs feeling more pain for me in this moment than she ever felt for herself. โI want to tell you something,โ she says.
She reaches for my hands again.
โThe day you gave your fatherโs eulogy? I know you didnโt freeze up, Lily. You stood at that podium and refused to say a single good thing about that man. It was the proudest I have ever been of you. You were the only one in my life who ever stood up for me. You were strong when I was scared.โ A tear falls from her eye when she says, โBeย thatย girl, Lily. Brave and bold.โ
