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Chapter no 13

If Only I Had Told Her

โ€œHow much longer do we have?โ€ Autumn asks.

I donโ€™t want to think about it, but I glance at the clock anyway. Weโ€™ve kissed and dozed the afternoon away.

โ€œIn an hour, I should take a shower,โ€ I say. When she went to the bathroom earlier, I quietly checked my phone and saw the text from Sylvie, confirming I can pick her up at her house after seven.

Autumn presses her back into my chest, and I stop stroking her arm to hug her. I raise my head and kiss her cheek. Weโ€™ve been lying like this for a while.

After Autumn charmingly tortured me with her hands and then triumphantly ravished me with her mouth, I tried to return the favor. I needed more coaching, but Autumnโ€™s enthusiasm remained throughout.

Again and again this afternoon, Autumn has looked at me like sheโ€™s trying to believe Iโ€™m real. It was such a strange mirror of my own feelings.

Over and over, Autumn has told me she loves me. Sheโ€™s said it breathlessly between kisses. Sheโ€™s growled it before biting me softly on the shoulder, making me gasp in surprised pleasure. Sheโ€™s said it smugly after destroying me, while I was still trembling in her hold.

Itโ€™s starting to settle into my brain as fact. Autumn loves me in return. โ€œTomorrow,โ€ Autumn whispers.

โ€œWhat about it?โ€ Tomorrow is going to be wonderful, and the day after and the day after, because I am hers. Tonight is the only concern, and thatโ€™s mine alone.

โ€œWhat if you waited until tomorrow?โ€

I tighten my grip on her and bury my face in the back of her neck.

โ€œNo, itโ€™s the right thing to do.โ€ I kiss her shoulder. Somewhere in the back of my brain, Iโ€™m still amazed that she wants me to touch her.

Autumn rolls over, and we settle in, facing each other. โ€œTell me a story,โ€ she demands.

โ€œWhat kind of story?โ€ I try to hide the amusement in my voice because sheโ€™s being very solemn.

โ€œAbout us,โ€ she says. โ€œSomething true. Something that happened when we didnโ€™t know we loved each other.โ€

โ€œHmm.โ€ I think I understand what sheโ€™s asking, and I wonder if she has stories of her own. โ€œDo you remember that tiara my mom got you one year for Christmas? She said, โ€˜Finny picked it out.โ€™ I bought it. I saw it at a store and knew you would love it. I gave it to Mom and asked her to say it was from both of us.โ€

Autumnโ€™s mouth is hanging open.

โ€œOh, Finny,โ€ she says. โ€œYou could have toldโ€”โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ I say. โ€œI couldnโ€™t have. We hadnโ€™t gotten each other Christmas gifts for years. It would have been weird.โ€

โ€œOh, Finny,โ€ she says again, but this time, sheโ€™s agreeing with me. โ€œNow you tell me a story,โ€ I say.

โ€œWell,โ€ she begins, โ€œremember the Valentineโ€™s Day right after that? You were sick, and I brought you that note fromโ€ฆโ€ She stalls at that part, but I donโ€™t need her to continue.

โ€œI remember.โ€ The agony Iโ€™d felt that day stayed fresh for the rest of that winter. I had obsessed over that embarrassing conversation for weeks.

โ€œYou were so hot,โ€ Autumn moans, looking away from me, and I blink in surprise. She scrunches up her face and closes her eyes against the memory. โ€œYou were shirtless and sweaty and flushed andโ€”โ€ She breaks off into a frustrated growl. When she looks back up at me, she says, โ€œBut you saw me checking you out, right? You had to have. It was so obvious.โ€ Sheโ€™s smiling like she expects me to agree.

โ€œI thoughtย youย had brought me a Valentine. I was confused and happy and then a different sort of confused when it was from Sylvie.โ€ I find myself faltering again. โ€œI thought you could see my mistake, and I felt so sick and gross in front of you, and you were so beautiful like alwaโ€”โ€

โ€œYou thought that Iโ€”How could I haveโ€”Finny, no,โ€ she says. Weโ€™re staring at each other in amazement.

โ€œI wish I could go back in time,โ€ she says.

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you just go back to telling me Iโ€™m hot?โ€

Autumn laughs. She tells me about both loving and hating going with The Mothers to my soccer games. She says my muscled legs in my running shorts drove her to distraction, and it blows my mind that sheโ€™d lusted after certain parts of me from a distance the same way I had after her.

As if picking the thoughts from my own head, she tells me she was always secretly aware of any movement my body made when I was nearโ€” at the bus stop, on the couch as we watched television, at the holiday dinner tableโ€”just as I memorized every detail about her.

I stroke Autumnโ€™s hair and her arm as she talks, and I watch her face as her eyes close in pleasure, then open to look at me as she speaks.

โ€œI want another story,โ€ she says.

I try to remember my most intense memory of longing for her. I move my strokes down her back and she sighs. Iโ€™m getting this right. Iโ€™m learning the rest.

โ€œLast Halloween,โ€ I finally say. โ€œI was watching you the whole night. I couldnโ€™t stop myself. You wereโ€”โ€ I sort through all the vocab words Iโ€™d

used her to help me remember. โ€œYou were splendiferous that night, Autumn. Like, if Iโ€™d had one of those new phones that take pictures? It would have crossed my mind to try and take one. Not that I would have!โ€ Sheโ€™s smiling at me as I confess how horrible I am; I guess I should be glad she thoughtย Wuthering Heightsย was romantic.

โ€œI wasnโ€™t even wearing a s*xy costume.โ€ Autumn giggles. โ€œYou were radiant,โ€ I tell her.

I was particularly moonstruck that night. Her pale skin and the dark shine of her hair have always had the power to hypnotize me. That Halloween, she was particularly bewitching, her laugh dazzling and her every movement like an alien ballet.

โ€œI couldnโ€™t keep my eyes off you,โ€ I confess. โ€œBefore you ran into me, I looked away so you wouldnโ€™t see me staring, but I misjudged your speed and weโ€”โ€

We both laugh at the memory.

I can see her reaching back in her mind. โ€œYou were worried Jamie and I would have s*x that night.โ€

โ€œYeah, well, thatโ€™s because, if I had been in Jamieโ€™s positionโ€”โ€

She bites her lip as a smile creeps up. โ€œI guess we know now what would have happened,โ€ she says.

โ€œWell, I canโ€™t imagine how we could have possibly reached that point.โ€ Autumnโ€™s gaze shifts like sheโ€™s watching a movie I canโ€™t see.

โ€œSay that when we collided,โ€ Autumn muses, โ€œmy drink spilled on me instead, and I said, โ€˜Come up with me and stand guard while I change my shirt.โ€™ Iโ€™d have wanted to have a moment with you, and I bet youโ€™d have done as I said.โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ I say, encouraging her to continue.

โ€œAnd then upstairs, youโ€™d have finished your drink while I changed shirts.โ€

โ€œMaybe?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ Autumn tells me. โ€œBecause you would have been nervous, right? You said the Halloween magic had you enthralled, and you werenโ€™t driving for once.โ€ She doesnโ€™t wait for me to agree with her. She knows sheโ€™s correct. โ€œYou would have downed that drink while staring at my door, trying not to think about me taking off my shirt on the other side. And when I came back out, I would have smiled at you, a little drunk too, and gazed up at you for a little too longโ€ฆโ€

Suddenly, I can see it exactly as she describes, as if it had happened that way. Autumnโ€™s lips curling up as I look down at her face in the shadowy hallway, the thumping hum of the party beneath us somehow making it more intimate, secret. I feel the tempting circumstances sheโ€™s painted us into, and in this version of events, neither of us would be able to resist each other.

โ€œIf youโ€™d kissed me, Finny, I would have been astonished, but I would have pulled you right back into my room andโ€”well, like I said beforeโ€ฆโ€ She smiles.

โ€œI donโ€™t think we would have gone all the way,โ€ I say as I return her grin. โ€œIโ€™m not reckless. You know that. And besides, would you have been ready?โ€

โ€œIt was never about not being ready with Jamie,โ€ she says. โ€œIt didnโ€™t feel right with him, but I didnโ€™t know that until I kissed you. If we had made out that Halloween, youโ€™re probably right. We wouldnโ€™t have doneย it.โ€ Autumn giggles. โ€œBut weโ€™d get in some state of undress before we came to our senses and realized that weโ€™d be missed or caught.โ€

โ€œAnd what about that?โ€ I say. โ€œThe party is still going on, weโ€™re in your bed, andโ€ฆโ€

She grins, but I want to hear this story!

โ€œOkay then. Hold on.โ€ Autumnโ€™s eyes get that distant look, and she mumbles, โ€œWe recognize we have to stop before we get caught, and as we detangle our limbs, we make a few whispery, alcohol-fueled confessions.

There isnโ€™t time for much. Neither of us would be brave enough to say the L word, I think. Weโ€™d fix our clothes and hair, but weโ€™d know we couldnโ€™t be seen going back downstairs together.โ€

Iโ€™m fascinated. This is what sheโ€™s thinking in her head when she gets that look?

โ€œWeโ€™d agree that I should go first,โ€ Autumn decides. โ€œSince itโ€™s my house, Iโ€™d be missed first. Iโ€™d sneak back to Jamie and pretend to be more drunk than I was, and you would wait and sneak back to the party a few minutes later.โ€ She looks at me again in this reality. โ€œDo you think weโ€™d get back in our places in time? That our excuses would be believed?โ€

Iโ€™m pleased that she wants my opinion. I think about our classmates, the layout of her house, and my memories of that night.

โ€œSomeone would have seen something,โ€ I decide. โ€œBut nothing big enough for anyone to say anything about it until the next day.โ€

Autumn nods and continues, โ€œWeโ€™d have to pretend to act normal and try to avoid each other for the rest of the party. Weโ€™d probably both drink more to disguise our emotions, both try and fail not to watch the other across the crowd.โ€ Autumn is back in the story sheโ€™s writing to please me. โ€œBefore the night was over, Iโ€™d be wondering if our encounter had really meant anything to you or if youโ€™d just been drunk.โ€ She looks at me for confirmation.

โ€œYeah. Same,โ€ I say.

โ€œIn the morning, Iโ€™d pretend to be sickโ€ฆnah, Iโ€™d probably be sick in the morning and use the excuse to get my friends who stayed the night out ASAP. Where would you have been?โ€

This question is easy. โ€œAt home. Alone. I would have called you the moment I saw Jamieโ€™s car leave.โ€

Autumn smiles, pleased either by my contribution to the narrative or by my obsessive nature, Iโ€™m not sure which.

โ€œOkay,โ€ Autumn says. โ€œOver the phone, through the pain of our blinding headaches, weโ€™d stammer confirmations of last nightโ€™s heartfelt whispers, offer more detailed explanations of our true desires. One of us ends up over at the otherโ€™s house andโ€ฆโ€ She motions with her hand to our current situation, and we smile. โ€œI mean, thatโ€™s about it.โ€

โ€œBut remember, someone saw something the night before,โ€ I prompt. Autumn yawns.

โ€œWell, of course weโ€™d each have to break up to be together. The story of whatever suspicious thing was seen at the party would get spread and exaggerated. Thereโ€™s no avoiding that chapter. Weโ€™d be the center of a scandal, ostracized for being cheaters. Or I donโ€™t knowโ€ฆ Everyone likes you, so maybe it wouldnโ€™t have been that rough for you?โ€

As glad as I am that Autumn would have broken up with Jamie for me and faced whatever consequences came next, Iโ€™m still distracted that she continues to deftly avoid saying Sylvieโ€™s name while weโ€™ve both casually referenced Jamie. This is why I must break up with Sylvie today. Canโ€™t she see that?

โ€œI wish all that had happened,โ€ I tell her. โ€œI wish weโ€™d had that time together and today was another regular day for us.โ€

Autumnโ€™s gaze finds mine again, and she repeats my words to her. โ€œEverything is going to be okay. Weโ€™re together now, right?โ€

โ€œI love you.โ€ How many times have I said that? Surely it will be annoying soon?

โ€œI love you too, Finny,โ€ Autumn says and pokes my nose. โ€œWhile weโ€™re talking about unsaid things, you havenโ€™t secretly been wishing that I call you Finn?โ€

โ€œNah,โ€ I say. โ€œFinn is how I think of myself, but thatโ€™s what I like about you calling me Finny. Itโ€™s special.โ€

โ€œEven though The Mothers call you that too?โ€

I poke her nose, and now Iโ€™m the one repeating her words. โ€œItโ€™s different when you say it.โ€

โ€œFinny.โ€ Autumn kisses me again and then again hungrily. A few minutes later, she breathes in my ear, โ€œWe have time, donโ€™t we? Can we just

โ€”โ€

We have just enough time, but itโ€™s getting harder to resist making love to her again, so I decide to buy condoms tonight.

 

Afterward, I ask her if she wants to join me in the shower. Autumn blushes and hides her face in her hands. Weโ€™re lying on our sides, tangled together still.

โ€œAutumn?โ€

She says something behind her hands. โ€œI canโ€™t hear you, beloved.โ€

Iโ€™m surprised by the term of endearment. Iโ€™ve never used it before in my life, but itโ€™s fallen from my mouth naturally, and I wonder if itโ€™s going to become a habit.

โ€œIโ€™m too shy,โ€ she says. โ€œI canโ€™t take a shower with you.โ€

โ€œWeโ€™reโ€ฆalready naked?โ€ Weโ€™ve been in my bed together for hours. โ€œBut thereโ€™s water in a shower!โ€ Autumn says, and I decide that this is

one of those times when her brain is wired differently.

โ€œOkay,โ€ I say. โ€œShowers are a level of intimacy we can work our way up to.โ€

โ€œMight take a while,โ€ she says into my bare chest.

I canโ€™t hold back a small chuckle. I run my fingers down her back one last time, and she shivers in a way that almost tempts me to stay after all.

โ€œWe have forever,โ€ I whisper into her hair, and then I wonder if forever is too much for her.

Autumn raises her face and grins at me.

โ€œOkay,โ€ she says. โ€œYouโ€™re right.โ€

We lock our lips together deeply, then I kiss her forehead and climb out of bed. She doesnโ€™t follow me as I gather my clothes. She stays in bed and watches me. I give her a quizzical look.

โ€œI canโ€™t get dressed in front of you,โ€ she says. โ€œThatโ€™s too awkward.โ€

I pause, trying to decide how to ask my first question, but then I laugh and say, โ€œI love you, Autumn.โ€

And somehow, she isnโ€™t tired of hearing it yet.

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