โHow much longer do we have?โ Autumn asks.
I donโt want to think about it, but I glance at the clock anyway. Weโve kissed and dozed the afternoon away.
โIn an hour, I should take a shower,โ I say. When she went to the bathroom earlier, I quietly checked my phone and saw the text from Sylvie, confirming I can pick her up at her house after seven.
Autumn presses her back into my chest, and I stop stroking her arm to hug her. I raise my head and kiss her cheek. Weโve been lying like this for a while.
After Autumn charmingly tortured me with her hands and then triumphantly ravished me with her mouth, I tried to return the favor. I needed more coaching, but Autumnโs enthusiasm remained throughout.
Again and again this afternoon, Autumn has looked at me like sheโs trying to believe Iโm real. It was such a strange mirror of my own feelings.
Over and over, Autumn has told me she loves me. Sheโs said it breathlessly between kisses. Sheโs growled it before biting me softly on the shoulder, making me gasp in surprised pleasure. Sheโs said it smugly after destroying me, while I was still trembling in her hold.
Itโs starting to settle into my brain as fact. Autumn loves me in return. โTomorrow,โ Autumn whispers.
โWhat about it?โ Tomorrow is going to be wonderful, and the day after and the day after, because I am hers. Tonight is the only concern, and thatโs mine alone.
โWhat if you waited until tomorrow?โ
I tighten my grip on her and bury my face in the back of her neck.
โNo, itโs the right thing to do.โ I kiss her shoulder. Somewhere in the back of my brain, Iโm still amazed that she wants me to touch her.
Autumn rolls over, and we settle in, facing each other. โTell me a story,โ she demands.
โWhat kind of story?โ I try to hide the amusement in my voice because sheโs being very solemn.
โAbout us,โ she says. โSomething true. Something that happened when we didnโt know we loved each other.โ
โHmm.โ I think I understand what sheโs asking, and I wonder if she has stories of her own. โDo you remember that tiara my mom got you one year for Christmas? She said, โFinny picked it out.โ I bought it. I saw it at a store and knew you would love it. I gave it to Mom and asked her to say it was from both of us.โ
Autumnโs mouth is hanging open.
โOh, Finny,โ she says. โYou could have toldโโ
โNo,โ I say. โI couldnโt have. We hadnโt gotten each other Christmas gifts for years. It would have been weird.โ
โOh, Finny,โ she says again, but this time, sheโs agreeing with me. โNow you tell me a story,โ I say.
โWell,โ she begins, โremember the Valentineโs Day right after that? You were sick, and I brought you that note fromโฆโ She stalls at that part, but I donโt need her to continue.
โI remember.โ The agony Iโd felt that day stayed fresh for the rest of that winter. I had obsessed over that embarrassing conversation for weeks.
โYou were so hot,โ Autumn moans, looking away from me, and I blink in surprise. She scrunches up her face and closes her eyes against the memory. โYou were shirtless and sweaty and flushed andโโ She breaks off into a frustrated growl. When she looks back up at me, she says, โBut you saw me checking you out, right? You had to have. It was so obvious.โ Sheโs smiling like she expects me to agree.
โI thoughtย youย had brought me a Valentine. I was confused and happy and then a different sort of confused when it was from Sylvie.โ I find myself faltering again. โI thought you could see my mistake, and I felt so sick and gross in front of you, and you were so beautiful like alwaโโ
โYou thought that IโHow could I haveโFinny, no,โ she says. Weโre staring at each other in amazement.
โI wish I could go back in time,โ she says.
โWhy donโt you just go back to telling me Iโm hot?โ
Autumn laughs. She tells me about both loving and hating going with The Mothers to my soccer games. She says my muscled legs in my running shorts drove her to distraction, and it blows my mind that sheโd lusted after certain parts of me from a distance the same way I had after her.
As if picking the thoughts from my own head, she tells me she was always secretly aware of any movement my body made when I was nearโ at the bus stop, on the couch as we watched television, at the holiday dinner tableโjust as I memorized every detail about her.
I stroke Autumnโs hair and her arm as she talks, and I watch her face as her eyes close in pleasure, then open to look at me as she speaks.
โI want another story,โ she says.
I try to remember my most intense memory of longing for her. I move my strokes down her back and she sighs. Iโm getting this right. Iโm learning the rest.
โLast Halloween,โ I finally say. โI was watching you the whole night. I couldnโt stop myself. You wereโโ I sort through all the vocab words Iโd
used her to help me remember. โYou were splendiferous that night, Autumn. Like, if Iโd had one of those new phones that take pictures? It would have crossed my mind to try and take one. Not that I would have!โ Sheโs smiling at me as I confess how horrible I am; I guess I should be glad she thoughtย Wuthering Heightsย was romantic.
โI wasnโt even wearing a s*xy costume.โ Autumn giggles. โYou were radiant,โ I tell her.
I was particularly moonstruck that night. Her pale skin and the dark shine of her hair have always had the power to hypnotize me. That Halloween, she was particularly bewitching, her laugh dazzling and her every movement like an alien ballet.
โI couldnโt keep my eyes off you,โ I confess. โBefore you ran into me, I looked away so you wouldnโt see me staring, but I misjudged your speed and weโโ
We both laugh at the memory.
I can see her reaching back in her mind. โYou were worried Jamie and I would have s*x that night.โ
โYeah, well, thatโs because, if I had been in Jamieโs positionโโ
She bites her lip as a smile creeps up. โI guess we know now what would have happened,โ she says.
โWell, I canโt imagine how we could have possibly reached that point.โ Autumnโs gaze shifts like sheโs watching a movie I canโt see.
โSay that when we collided,โ Autumn muses, โmy drink spilled on me instead, and I said, โCome up with me and stand guard while I change my shirt.โ Iโd have wanted to have a moment with you, and I bet youโd have done as I said.โ
โSure,โ I say, encouraging her to continue.
โAnd then upstairs, youโd have finished your drink while I changed shirts.โ
โMaybe?โ
โYes,โ Autumn tells me. โBecause you would have been nervous, right? You said the Halloween magic had you enthralled, and you werenโt driving for once.โ She doesnโt wait for me to agree with her. She knows sheโs correct. โYou would have downed that drink while staring at my door, trying not to think about me taking off my shirt on the other side. And when I came back out, I would have smiled at you, a little drunk too, and gazed up at you for a little too longโฆโ
Suddenly, I can see it exactly as she describes, as if it had happened that way. Autumnโs lips curling up as I look down at her face in the shadowy hallway, the thumping hum of the party beneath us somehow making it more intimate, secret. I feel the tempting circumstances sheโs painted us into, and in this version of events, neither of us would be able to resist each other.
โIf youโd kissed me, Finny, I would have been astonished, but I would have pulled you right back into my room andโwell, like I said beforeโฆโ She smiles.
โI donโt think we would have gone all the way,โ I say as I return her grin. โIโm not reckless. You know that. And besides, would you have been ready?โ
โIt was never about not being ready with Jamie,โ she says. โIt didnโt feel right with him, but I didnโt know that until I kissed you. If we had made out that Halloween, youโre probably right. We wouldnโt have doneย it.โ Autumn giggles. โBut weโd get in some state of undress before we came to our senses and realized that weโd be missed or caught.โ
โAnd what about that?โ I say. โThe party is still going on, weโre in your bed, andโฆโ
She grins, but I want to hear this story!
โOkay then. Hold on.โ Autumnโs eyes get that distant look, and she mumbles, โWe recognize we have to stop before we get caught, and as we detangle our limbs, we make a few whispery, alcohol-fueled confessions.
There isnโt time for much. Neither of us would be brave enough to say the L word, I think. Weโd fix our clothes and hair, but weโd know we couldnโt be seen going back downstairs together.โ
Iโm fascinated. This is what sheโs thinking in her head when she gets that look?
โWeโd agree that I should go first,โ Autumn decides. โSince itโs my house, Iโd be missed first. Iโd sneak back to Jamie and pretend to be more drunk than I was, and you would wait and sneak back to the party a few minutes later.โ She looks at me again in this reality. โDo you think weโd get back in our places in time? That our excuses would be believed?โ
Iโm pleased that she wants my opinion. I think about our classmates, the layout of her house, and my memories of that night.
โSomeone would have seen something,โ I decide. โBut nothing big enough for anyone to say anything about it until the next day.โ
Autumn nods and continues, โWeโd have to pretend to act normal and try to avoid each other for the rest of the party. Weโd probably both drink more to disguise our emotions, both try and fail not to watch the other across the crowd.โ Autumn is back in the story sheโs writing to please me. โBefore the night was over, Iโd be wondering if our encounter had really meant anything to you or if youโd just been drunk.โ She looks at me for confirmation.
โYeah. Same,โ I say.
โIn the morning, Iโd pretend to be sickโฆnah, Iโd probably be sick in the morning and use the excuse to get my friends who stayed the night out ASAP. Where would you have been?โ
This question is easy. โAt home. Alone. I would have called you the moment I saw Jamieโs car leave.โ
Autumn smiles, pleased either by my contribution to the narrative or by my obsessive nature, Iโm not sure which.
โOkay,โ Autumn says. โOver the phone, through the pain of our blinding headaches, weโd stammer confirmations of last nightโs heartfelt whispers, offer more detailed explanations of our true desires. One of us ends up over at the otherโs house andโฆโ She motions with her hand to our current situation, and we smile. โI mean, thatโs about it.โ
โBut remember, someone saw something the night before,โ I prompt. Autumn yawns.
โWell, of course weโd each have to break up to be together. The story of whatever suspicious thing was seen at the party would get spread and exaggerated. Thereโs no avoiding that chapter. Weโd be the center of a scandal, ostracized for being cheaters. Or I donโt knowโฆ Everyone likes you, so maybe it wouldnโt have been that rough for you?โ
As glad as I am that Autumn would have broken up with Jamie for me and faced whatever consequences came next, Iโm still distracted that she continues to deftly avoid saying Sylvieโs name while weโve both casually referenced Jamie. This is why I must break up with Sylvie today. Canโt she see that?
โI wish all that had happened,โ I tell her. โI wish weโd had that time together and today was another regular day for us.โ
Autumnโs gaze finds mine again, and she repeats my words to her. โEverything is going to be okay. Weโre together now, right?โ
โI love you.โ How many times have I said that? Surely it will be annoying soon?
โI love you too, Finny,โ Autumn says and pokes my nose. โWhile weโre talking about unsaid things, you havenโt secretly been wishing that I call you Finn?โ
โNah,โ I say. โFinn is how I think of myself, but thatโs what I like about you calling me Finny. Itโs special.โ
โEven though The Mothers call you that too?โ
I poke her nose, and now Iโm the one repeating her words. โItโs different when you say it.โ
โFinny.โ Autumn kisses me again and then again hungrily. A few minutes later, she breathes in my ear, โWe have time, donโt we? Can we just
โโ
We have just enough time, but itโs getting harder to resist making love to her again, so I decide to buy condoms tonight.
Afterward, I ask her if she wants to join me in the shower. Autumn blushes and hides her face in her hands. Weโre lying on our sides, tangled together still.
โAutumn?โ
She says something behind her hands. โI canโt hear you, beloved.โ
Iโm surprised by the term of endearment. Iโve never used it before in my life, but itโs fallen from my mouth naturally, and I wonder if itโs going to become a habit.
โIโm too shy,โ she says. โI canโt take a shower with you.โ
โWeโreโฆalready naked?โ Weโve been in my bed together for hours. โBut thereโs water in a shower!โ Autumn says, and I decide that this is
one of those times when her brain is wired differently.
โOkay,โ I say. โShowers are a level of intimacy we can work our way up to.โ
โMight take a while,โ she says into my bare chest.
I canโt hold back a small chuckle. I run my fingers down her back one last time, and she shivers in a way that almost tempts me to stay after all.
โWe have forever,โ I whisper into her hair, and then I wonder if forever is too much for her.
Autumn raises her face and grins at me.
โOkay,โ she says. โYouโre right.โ
We lock our lips together deeply, then I kiss her forehead and climb out of bed. She doesnโt follow me as I gather my clothes. She stays in bed and watches me. I give her a quizzical look.
โI canโt get dressed in front of you,โ she says. โThatโs too awkward.โ
I pause, trying to decide how to ask my first question, but then I laugh and say, โI love you, Autumn.โ
And somehow, she isnโt tired of hearing it yet.