Chapter no 69

If He Had Been with Me

We are on his bed. I am curled up near the headboard with my laptop on my knees; Finny is stretched out on his stomach, finishing off a boss in his video game.

I just finished a chapter and my head feels light. I watch his character throwing bombs at the dragon. Itโ€™s just past noon, but Iโ€™m not hungry; we stay out late now and sleep past breakfast time. We spend most of the time driving around with the windows down. We go to drive-thrus after midnight and wander the aisles of twenty-four-hour grocery stores. Last night we sat on the hood of his red car and ate sugary candies with neon food coloring and artificial flavors. Finny left the radio on and we leaned back against the windshield, but the streetlights were too bright to see stars.

I close my laptop and Finny must hear the click because he says, โ€œYou done?โ€ Another bomb explodes on the screen and his controller buzzes.

โ€œFor now,โ€ I say. I lay my computer next to me and stretch my arms above my head. I watch him win the fight and save his game.

โ€œSo when do I get to read it?โ€ Finny says. โ€œNever,โ€ I say without thinking. โ€œSorry,โ€ I add.

โ€œWhy not?โ€ He sounds surprised. He isnโ€™t looking at me; heโ€™s playing his game again.

โ€œBecause itโ€™s private,โ€ I say, โ€œand it isnโ€™t very good yet.โ€ โ€œCan I read it when itโ€™s good?โ€

I shrug even though he canโ€™t see. โ€œProbably not.โ€ โ€œWhy are you writing it if nobody can read it?โ€ โ€œI didnโ€™t say nobody could read it.โ€

Finny looks at me over his shoulder. โ€œSo itโ€™s me then?โ€ he says. On the screen, his character runs in a circle and hits a tree repeatedly.

โ€œNo,โ€ I say. I scoot forward on the bed and stretch out on my stomach next to him. โ€œItโ€™sโ€”itโ€™s that I know you. And if you read it you might think โ€˜Oh, this character is that personโ€™ or โ€˜sheโ€™s talking about that time here,โ€™ but itโ€™s not really like that.โ€

โ€œWhat if I promise not to read into it? No analysis at all. I swear on my motherโ€™s grave.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m going to tell her you said that.โ€ โ€œCome on, please?โ€

I shrug and roll my eyes. โ€œMaybe.โ€

โ€œHa.โ€ Finny turns away and looks back at the TV. He holds up his controller and begins pushing buttons. โ€œThat means yes.โ€

โ€œIt does not!โ€ โ€œDoes too.โ€

โ€œDoes not!โ€ I punch him in the shoulder and he laughs.

โ€œSo what do you want to do now?โ€ he says. I shrug again, but Iโ€™m smiling.

โ€œThis,โ€ I say.

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