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Chapter no 9

I Hope This Doesn't Find You

โ€ŒAll throughout the next day, I feel like Iโ€™m walking around the school with a huge neon sign on my forehead:ย SADIE WEN IS A BITCH.โ€Œ

It doesnโ€™t help that other people are acting like it too. When I spot Rosie before history class and catch up to her in the corridors, she whirls around with such a frosty look in her eyes that my insides shrivel.

โ€œWhat do you want, Sadie?โ€ she asks, her voice tight. I remember how she smiled at me only three days ago, her straight white teeth gleaming. Itโ€™s hard to believe sheโ€™s the same person.

โ€œI justโ€”โ€ I falter. I had come here prepared. I had a whole script memorized, starting with an elaborate, heartfelt apology and ending with a plea for forgiveness. But the words taste brittle on my tongue, and the longer the silence stretches, the more my courage buckles. โ€œI only wantedโ€”

I know youโ€™re still madโ€” I mean, I would be mad tooโ€”โ€ Everything comes out scrambled, in the wrong order.

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m really pissed at you,โ€ she says, crossing her arms over her chest.

I hadnโ€™t expected her to say it outright. โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ I try. โ€œI reallyโ€”โ€

She cuts me off. โ€œInstead of apologizing, why donโ€™t you figure out a way to fix all this, hm? Once everyoneโ€™s forgotten about the emails and stopped calling me a cheater, then we can talk.โ€ She doesnโ€™t wait for a response. She simply tidies her books, shoots me another glare that cuts all the way down to the pit of my stomach, and heads into the classroom without me.

Her words clang inside my head.ย Fix this.

Itโ€™s what Iโ€™ve always done, or tried to do. Fix the back door in the bakery. Fix the error in the math worksheet. Fix the seating arrangement for

student council. Fix the gap in my family, the holes in my life, patch everything up, smooth everything over. Sheโ€™s right. I just need to fix this too, and itโ€™ll all work out.

But how?

Iโ€™m so absorbed in my own thoughts that Iโ€™m almost late for history.

Iโ€™m not the last one through the door, thoughโ€”Danny Yao is.

My blood freezes as he brushes past me. The image of the bike shed presses against my mind. I imagine him cursing my name, scribbling the words over the wall, laughing about it with his friends. But then my attention goes to his face, and I stifle a gasp. His entire left eye is swollen shut, the skin around it a vivid purplish-blue. The bruise wasnโ€™t there yesterday afternoon.

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€ I whisper to Abigail when I sit down.

Everyone else is whispering as well, gazes sliding to and away from him.

โ€œHeโ€™s been saying he got it from a motorcycle accident,โ€ Abigail murmurs, her voice thick with disbelief.

I frown. โ€œA motorcycle accident?โ€

โ€œYeah. Last time I checked, he doesnโ€™t even know how to ride a bicycle.โ€

I watch Danny make his way to the front of the classroom. He usually sits right behind Julius, but today he hesitates, then pulls up a chair two

rows away. As he dumps his stuff out onto the table, his hair falls over his injured eye, and his features twist into a pronounced wince.

It would be far too arrogant to believe this is some sort of karma, that the universe has kindly overlooked all my mistakes and taken pity on me

and stepped in on my behalf. But the timing also seems a little too perfect to be a pure coincidence . . .

โ€œHowโ€™s the email thing going?โ€ Abigail asks, breaking through my confused jumble of thoughts.

I scan the seats around us. Most people are too busy filling in yesterdayโ€™s worksheetโ€”which Iโ€™ve already turned inโ€”to be listening. Still,

just to be safe, I tear out a fresh page from my notebook and scribble:

Everyone still hates my guts, if thatโ€™s what you mean. But Iโ€™m planning on changing that. I just need to win them all over.

Abigail reads it, then writes underneath my last sentence in pink gel pen:ย Win them over?

Yeah. I was thinking cupcakes, but thatโ€™s probably insufficient? Donโ€™t undersell yourself. You make some pretty incredible cupcakes,

Abigail writes back.

I snort under my breath.ย Are they so incredible theyโ€™d make you forget

someone writing six hundred words about all the ways youโ€™d wronged them in the past?

Okay, fair point, she concedes. She pauses, tapping her pen against the paper the way she always does in tests when sheโ€™s stuck on a question. Then the pen stills in her fingers, and her eyes light up.ย What if you threw a

party?

A party?ย I stare at the words in her fun, loopy cursive, then in my own sharp, tidy letters. Iโ€™ve never hosted a party before. Iโ€™ve never even held a birthday party. My momโ€™s offered multiple times in the past, but it always felt too frivolous, too inconvenient.

Abigail smiles.ย Thereโ€™s no quicker way to bond than over cheap beer and good music. Iโ€™ll make a playlist.

But who would even come?

Itโ€™s a party. People will want to come, no matter whoโ€™s hosting. Trust

me.

Our friendship has always been like thatโ€”her leading the way with the

big ideas, and me following reluctantly, coaxed into buying that bold red lipstick or cutting my hair or going on a spontaneous road trip or dressing up as girl group members for Halloween.ย Trust me, I know what Iโ€™m doing, sheโ€™ll say every time, and sheโ€™s never been wrong before. Iย didย get

compliments on the red lipstick the few times I wore it, and our trip to the coast was the most fun Iโ€™ve had in years, picnicking on the sand with the

salt breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin. I owe some of my best and brightest memories to her.

Still, Iโ€™m shocked to find myself actually considering the party. Itโ€™s not impossible. My mom and brother are always invited to stay over at our auntโ€™s house every two weeks or so. Sometimes I tag along, but most of the time I stay behind to focus on my schoolwork. I could host it when theyโ€™re gone, clean up before theyโ€™re back.

Because beneath my apprehension is the stronger, deeply ingrained need to be liked. To be accepted. To be forgiven. To be recognized asย good. Iโ€™ll do anything to redeem myself. The words on the bike shed flash through my mind again, and my chest contracts, like all the air has been sucked out of

the room.

โ€œOkay,โ€ I say out loud, suppressing a grimace. โ€œLetโ€™s give it a shot.โ€

โ€ข โ€ข โ€ข

I donโ€™t even have a chance to change my mind.

Abigail jumps into action straight away, spending the next several

periods scrolling through all her contacts to pick out who we should invite. Thereโ€™s some kind of unspoken rule here about who you need to tell first to spread the word, who will go only if this other person is going, whoย wonโ€™tย go if this other person is going. She tries to explain it to me as her nails click over the screen, tapping out the details, but it just makes my head fuzzy. I wonder if this is how she feels when Iโ€™m teaching her stoichiometry.

Sheโ€™s already placing orders for alcoholic beverages when the lunch bell rings.

โ€œIโ€™ll handle this,โ€ she says, sliding down from the desk and waving me off. โ€œGo to your book club thing.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s the yearbook committee,โ€ I correct her.

She looks at me blankly. โ€œWe still have one of those?โ€

โ€œWho do you think assembled all the photos and wrote the articles and produced the physical yearbooks that everyone went around signing at the end of the yearโ€”โ€ I stop myself. โ€œNever mind. Justโ€”just donโ€™t organize anything too wild.โ€

Her lips purse. โ€œDefineย too wild.โ€ โ€œAbigail.โ€

โ€œFine, Iโ€™ll park the fireworks display for now. And the mini petting zoo.โ€

Iโ€™m worried she isnโ€™t joking, but my thoughts are soon occupied by other concerns. The yearbook committeeโ€™s fortnightly meetings are always held in the English classroom during lunchtimes, which means theyโ€™re run by Ms. Johnson.

Ms. Johnson, who evidently hasnโ€™t forgiven me for the email yet.

โ€œSadie.โ€ She sniffs when I walk in. The committee is small enough that you could count all its members on two hands. Most of them are already inside, leaning over to correct a document on someoneโ€™s laptop, spreading out flyers over a desk, pulling the cling wrap from their sandwiches as they wait for the printer to load.

Julius is here too. Heโ€™s reclining in one of the old plastic chairs like itโ€™s a throne, his long legs stretched in front of him. And heโ€™s wearing his blazer. Iโ€™d folded it neatly inside an old shopping bag and dropped it off at his locker early this morning to avoid the awkwardness of handing it directly to him. At the sound of my name, his black eyes flicker up to me.

My pulse skips.

Yesterday afternoon still feels too fresh, too raw, like an open flame between us. The memories smolder inside my head. Him with his damp hair falling into his eyes, the weight of his blazer around me, his slender hand around my wrist.

And itโ€™s irrational, because Iโ€™ve seen him almost every day for the past ten years. I should be used to it by nowโ€”toย him.ย Heโ€™s as permanent a

fixture as the clock hanging on the walls, the view of the emerald school

oval from the windows, the dull circular patterns in the carpet. But something feels different. Slightly askew.

โ€œ. . . listening to me, Sadie?โ€

โ€œHuh?โ€ I startle, and hastily turn my gaze back to Ms. Johnsonโ€™s disapproving face. โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, could you . . . say that again?โ€

Before Emailgate, she would have smiled at me, or peered at me with concern. Now she just heaves an irritable sigh and beckons for Julius to

come over. โ€œSince Iโ€™m going to have to repeat myself, I might as well tell you both at once.โ€

Julius positions himself to my far right, leaving four wide feet of

distance between us. It feels particularly pointed today, like heโ€™s trying to prove something to me, or to himself.

โ€œPrincipal Miller has asked me to assign a task to you two,โ€ Ms.

Johnson says. โ€œWe have a four-page spread for the notable alumni section of the yearbook, but not enough content to go in there . . .โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you name another one of the curtains in the cafeteria after a notable alumnus and hold a grand naming ceremony again?โ€ Julius asks innocently.

I have to stifle a snort.

Ms. Johnson misses the sarcasm. โ€œThatโ€™s a good idea, Julius, but as of

now all our curtains are already named. We thought it would be a better idea for you to conduct an interview with one of our very own alumni. See what theyโ€™ve been up to since they left Woodvale. Celebrate their successes.

What do you think?โ€

I open my mouth. โ€œIโ€”โ€

โ€œIโ€™m glad we all agree,โ€ Ms. Johnson says, and whips out a long list of names. โ€œYou can find the contact details here. Iโ€™d suggest you call them instead of emailโ€”youโ€™re much more likely to get responses that way. The final draft for the interview is due the Friday after next. Any questions?โ€

I try again. โ€œJust oneโ€”โ€

โ€œGreat,โ€ she says briskly, smiling at only Julius, then struts back to her desk.

A silence falls over us. We both stand there, rigid, listening to the low whirring of the printer in the background, the muted tapping of the keyboard. Neither of us wants to do this.

โ€œWow, sheย reallyย doesnโ€™t like you,โ€ Julius says after a beat. He canโ€™t even hide the surprise in his voice.

โ€œI know,โ€ I grumble. Itโ€™s the obvious truth, but my skin still stings from it. I grab the list to hide my burning face and flip through the pages. โ€œLetโ€™s aim to finish this before the end of lunch,โ€ I tell him, making my way to the empty table at the back of the classroom. My fingers itch with the need toย doย something, to prove myself to Ms. Johnson, to get into her good graces again. Maybe if we handle the interview well, sheโ€™ll like me again. Or at least stop hating me.

Julius takes the seat next to me. But again, he makes sure to leave a significant amount of space between us so thereโ€™s zero chance of him touching me by accident.

For some reason, Iโ€™m more irritated than glad.

โ€œYouโ€™re not going to be able to see like that,โ€ I point out. โ€œWhat?โ€

โ€œThe contact information.โ€

โ€œI can see it just fine from here,โ€ he insists.

โ€œReally?โ€ I hold the list up. โ€œWhat does the first name say?โ€

He squints at it, which really goes to show how far away he is. My irritation thickens. โ€œSarah . . . Newman?โ€

โ€œItโ€™s Clare Davis,โ€ I say flatly as I punch her number into my phone.

Iโ€™m praying sheโ€™ll pick up on the first ring, say sheโ€™s available for the

interview, and then weโ€™ll be done. โ€œNone of those letters were accurate. Theย numberย of letters wasnโ€™t even accurate. Why are you all the way over there if you canโ€™t see? Are you afraid Iโ€™ll bite you or something?โ€

He rolls his eyes with what feels like exaggerated disdain. โ€œIn what world amย Iย afraid of you?โ€

โ€œThen come closer.โ€

โ€œFine.โ€ He drags his chair forward until heโ€™s right next to me, his shoulder almost pressed to mine, the heat of his skin seeping through my shirt. Until Iโ€™m aware of nothing except him, his nearness, his physical presence. And suddenly I find myself regretting my own request. Itโ€™s hard to think straight like this. I canโ€™t even move without brushing against him. But asking him to go back would be admitting defeatโ€”worse, it would be admitting he affects me. So I pretend to ignore him and focus on the call.

My phone heats up in my hand as the dial tone sounds through the speaker. Once, twice, three times . . .

On the fifth ring, Clare picks up. โ€œHello?โ€ Her voice is curt, skeptical, like sheโ€™s 90 percent certain Iโ€™m a scammer about to sell her insurance for solar panels she doesnโ€™t own.

I try not to fidget in my seat. I wish I wasnโ€™t the kind of person who is always so sensitive to other peopleโ€™s shifting moods and tones, who startles when someone raises their voice even a little, who cowers when someone

else gets annoyed. โ€œHi,โ€ I say, with as much warmth as I can project into the line. โ€œThis is Sadie Wen. Iโ€™m, um, calling on behalf of the yearbook committee at Woodvaleโ€”โ€

โ€œWoodvale?โ€ย She lets out a snort so loud I almost drop the phone. โ€œNah, I graduated that flaming garbage dump ages agoโ€”โ€

I quickly take her off loudspeaker and bring the phone up to my ear, but everybodyโ€™s already heard. Ms. Johnson is staring my way, her lips disappearing into a fine line. The students sitting at the other desk dissolve into giggles.

โ€œ. . . Iโ€™m, like, so over high school,โ€ Clare says. I hear honking on her end, the white rush of movement, then a muffled curse. โ€œStop cutting in

front of me, you asshatโ€”Iโ€™m driving, by the way.โ€

โ€œOh,โ€ I say. Then, as if Iโ€™ve been possessed by the spirit of a driving instructor, I add, โ€œItโ€™s not safe for you to be calling, then. Eyes on the road.โ€

โ€œYou calledย me,โ€ she says.

โ€œRight. Sorry. Umโ€”โ€ I can feel myself growing flustered. It doesnโ€™t help that Julius hasnโ€™t lifted his eyes from me this whole time. โ€œWe were

only wondering if you would be interested in doing an interview forโ€”โ€ โ€œNope.โ€

I have no idea how to respond. โ€œUm, thatโ€™s fine, then. Thanks for your time andโ€”โ€

The line clicks.

โ€œBye,โ€ I mutter to nobody, setting the phone back down.

โ€œThatโ€™s it?โ€ Julius says. He shifts forward, his left shoulder bumping against mine with the rising motion. โ€œThat was terrible. You werenโ€™t even trying to be persuasive.โ€

I glare at him. โ€œYou heard her. She wasnโ€™t interested.โ€

โ€œAll I heard was you telling her to drive safely, then apologizing for no good reason, as per usual,โ€ he drawls. โ€œSheย should have apologized; she

was the one with an attitude.โ€

โ€œYou act as if you could produce better results.โ€

โ€œI can.โ€ He holds his hand out for the phone, but as I pass it over, my gaze falls on his knuckles. Theyโ€™re split open and raw red. My first impression is that it must be from scrubbing the shed yesterday, but that canโ€™t be right. Heโ€™d been wearing those ridiculous gloves for the very

purpose of protecting his skin.

And this looks more unnatural, more deliberate, as if heโ€™d slammed his fist into something hard . . .

Like Dannyโ€™s face.

Heโ€™s dialing the next number when he glances up. Catches me staring. โ€œYour hand,โ€ I begin, because thereโ€™s no point hiding it. โ€œDid youโ€”โ€ โ€œDid I what?โ€

What Iโ€™d been meaning to say was,ย Did you hit Danny yesterday? Was that where you went after we cleaned the shed?ย But before the words can leave my tongue, I note the coldness in his eyes, the closed-off way heโ€™s

holding himself, and I realize how utterly ridiculous that question is. It must have been a strange coincidence, thatโ€™s all. Julius Gong is far more likely to high-five Danny than hit him.

โ€œWhat happened?โ€ I ask instead.

โ€œNone of your business.โ€ His voice is aloof.

Okay, it definitely couldnโ€™t have been him.ย Iโ€™m mortified I had even considered the idea. โ€œI was just asking out of politenessโ€”โ€

โ€œWell, then, you donโ€™t have to pretend to care.โ€

I bristle, certain Iโ€™m about to start breathing fire. Why does everything have to be so difficult when it comes to him? But itโ€™s not just anger twisting its way around my stomach like a serpent. Embarrassingly enough, itโ€™s hurt too. There had been the briefest moment yesterday afternoon, when he offered me his blazer, where I thought . . . I donโ€™t know. Maybe he didnโ€™tย detestย me. Maybe he had the capacity to be nice, like a normal human being. Another absurd, impossible idea.

โ€œYes?โ€ A male voice floats up from the phone. โ€œWho is this?โ€ โ€œHello, Iโ€™m Julius Gong. Is this Logan?โ€ Heโ€™s firm but polite, each

word clear and crisp but not too loud. He makes me want to kick something. โ€œWe have a great media opportunity here and as the most accomplished Woodvale alumnus, you were the very first person we thought of . . .โ€

โ€œLiar,โ€ I mouth at him.

He doesnโ€™t even blink before continuing, โ€œYour list of athletic accomplishments is truly impressiveโ€”โ€

But the man cuts him off midsentence. โ€œYeah, listen, Iโ€™m flattered, but thisย reallyย isnโ€™t a good time right now. Iโ€™m, um, with company.โ€

Just then, a girl chimes in the background,ย โ€œLoโ€‘gan.โ€ย She stretches the name out into a long whine. โ€œArenโ€™t you coming back?โ€

Julius stares down at the phone like it might grow teeth and bite him. For the first time, he looks wildly uncomfortable, a flush spreading up the smooth skin of his neck. โ€œI can . . . call back,โ€ he offers.

โ€œIโ€™m probably going to be, ah, preoccupied for the rest of today,โ€ Logan says. โ€œSorry, man, I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m the right person to ask. Better luck with someone else.โ€

Then he hangs up.

Julius appears to be frozen with shock. At last, he thaws enough to force out the words โ€œDid he justย hang upย on me?โ€ Like itโ€™s a supernatural phenomenon, a violation of the laws that govern our universe.

I would be laughing if we werenโ€™t tied down to the same task. Still, I canโ€™t help getting a jibe in while I can. โ€œThat wasโ€”what was the word you used? Oh, yes. Terrible.โ€

He scoffs, but I can tell heโ€™s affronted. โ€œThat was an exception.โ€

It quickly becomes apparent though that Clare and Logan arenโ€™t the exception, but the norm. While the other students munch on their toasted

sandwiches and relax by the sunlit windows, we run through the rest of the list, crossing off one name after another with increasing frustration. My

fingers become stiff from dialing. Some of the phone numbers are no longer active. Some are switched off. Many people simply donโ€™t pick up. The few who do are busy, or foresee that they will soon be very busy, or just canโ€™t be bothered to make any commitments. One personย wouldย be available, except theyโ€™re about to embark on a thirty-day trek through a jungle and wonโ€™t

have any signal. One woman cusses me out for bothering her, and Iโ€™m so horrified that Julius has to pull the phone from me and end the call.

But before he does, he says pleasantly into the speaker, โ€œHave a horrible rest of your day. Oh, and also . . .โ€ Then he gestures for me to say something.

โ€œI donโ€™t know what to say,โ€ I hiss, panicking.

He lifts a dark brow. โ€œYou didnโ€™t have any trouble finding the words when you were insulting me. Go on. Youโ€™re not going to let her curse at you for nothing, are you?โ€

It could be a trick, or a trap. But I have to admit: Iโ€™m tempted. And Iโ€™m tired of being called names, of absorbing other peopleโ€™s anger. So I lean closer and clear my throat. โ€œI hope, um, you miss the train home and . . .โ€

Julius looks at me, expectant. Itโ€™s a look that saysย Is that the best you can do?

I canโ€™t help rising to the challenge. โ€œI hope you find that you have no clean plates left for dinner,โ€ I continue, my voice strengthening with every

word, even as my heartbeat accelerates. โ€œAnd your neighbors start partying at ten p.m. but their music taste is solely advertising background tracks, and the shower runs out of hot water right after youโ€™ve applied shampoo.โ€

โ€œI think itโ€™s fairly safe to say we wonโ€™t be interviewing her,โ€ Julius remarks as he sets the phone down.

I laugh, which seems to please him, which in turn makes me feel like

Iโ€™ve done something wrong. Missed something important. And yetโ€”itย hadย been satisfying, speaking aloud the things I would normally reserve for my drafts.

The downside is that we now only have one name left.

โ€œWeโ€™ve gone through everything,โ€ Julius says, flipping the paper around. โ€œMaybe we should just interview me instead. Iโ€™ll join the list of notable alumni shortly after graduatingโ€”might as well do it in advance.โ€

My brows furrow. โ€œHang on. There was still oneโ€”โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t think so,โ€ he says. His fingers splay over the list, the movement subtle but deliberate.

โ€œWhy are you acting so weird?โ€ โ€œIโ€™m not.โ€ His chin juts out.

I glance at the clock over Ms. Johnsonโ€™s desk. Three minutes left of lunch. Around us, the other committee members are already starting to unplug their chargers, snap their lunch boxes shut, throw away scrap paper and grease-stained wrappers. I have no idea whatโ€™s going on with Julius, but I donโ€™t have the time to sit around and argue over nothing. โ€œWhatever,โ€ I say. โ€œIโ€™ve got the name and number memorized. Itโ€™s James Luo.โ€

The line of his shoulders tightens, and for a split second, faster than I can blink, some dark emotion clouds his features. โ€œHow did you . . .โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re not the only one with a good memory,โ€ I remind him as I stab in the numbers. Iโ€™m bragging a little, but Iโ€™m not exaggerating. Iโ€™ve never had much trouble recalling dates, facts, names, the places on a map. But

sometimes my own memory backfires on me. Because besides cold, hard statistics, I remember every single time Iโ€™ve lost to Julius in a test, every time someoneโ€™s yelled at me, every embarrassment and failure and

disappointment. Everything leaves an indelible mark on me, buries a permanent blade under my skin.

When the line connects, the voice that speaks up sounds oddly familiar. Something about the tone, the inflection of the words, the faint rasp at the edges. โ€œHello? This is James speaking.โ€

โ€œHi,โ€ I say, my mind spinning, struggling to place it. โ€œIโ€™m Sadie Wen, calling from Woodvaleโ€”โ€

To my surprise, he laughs. โ€œOh, I know you. Youโ€™re the other captain, right? My little brother talks about you all the time.โ€

I falter. Beside me, Julius has gone very still, his complexion pale. โ€œYour . . . little brother?โ€

โ€œYeah,โ€ James says breezily. โ€œMy brother, Julius Gong.โ€

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