โAll throughout the next day, I feel like Iโm walking around the school with a huge neon sign on my forehead:ย SADIE WEN IS A BITCH.โ
It doesnโt help that other people are acting like it too. When I spot Rosie before history class and catch up to her in the corridors, she whirls around with such a frosty look in her eyes that my insides shrivel.
โWhat do you want, Sadie?โ she asks, her voice tight. I remember how she smiled at me only three days ago, her straight white teeth gleaming. Itโs hard to believe sheโs the same person.
โI justโโ I falter. I had come here prepared. I had a whole script memorized, starting with an elaborate, heartfelt apology and ending with a plea for forgiveness. But the words taste brittle on my tongue, and the longer the silence stretches, the more my courage buckles. โI only wantedโ
I know youโre still madโ I mean, I would be mad tooโโ Everything comes out scrambled, in the wrong order.
โYeah, Iโm really pissed at you,โ she says, crossing her arms over her chest.
I hadnโt expected her to say it outright. โIโm sorry,โ I try. โI reallyโโ
She cuts me off. โInstead of apologizing, why donโt you figure out a way to fix all this, hm? Once everyoneโs forgotten about the emails and stopped calling me a cheater, then we can talk.โ She doesnโt wait for a response. She simply tidies her books, shoots me another glare that cuts all the way down to the pit of my stomach, and heads into the classroom without me.
Her words clang inside my head.ย Fix this.
Itโs what Iโve always done, or tried to do. Fix the back door in the bakery. Fix the error in the math worksheet. Fix the seating arrangement for
student council. Fix the gap in my family, the holes in my life, patch everything up, smooth everything over. Sheโs right. I just need to fix this too, and itโll all work out.
But how?
Iโm so absorbed in my own thoughts that Iโm almost late for history.
Iโm not the last one through the door, thoughโDanny Yao is.
My blood freezes as he brushes past me. The image of the bike shed presses against my mind. I imagine him cursing my name, scribbling the words over the wall, laughing about it with his friends. But then my attention goes to his face, and I stifle a gasp. His entire left eye is swollen shut, the skin around it a vivid purplish-blue. The bruise wasnโt there yesterday afternoon.
โWhat happened to him?โ I whisper to Abigail when I sit down.
Everyone else is whispering as well, gazes sliding to and away from him.
โHeโs been saying he got it from a motorcycle accident,โ Abigail murmurs, her voice thick with disbelief.
I frown. โA motorcycle accident?โ
โYeah. Last time I checked, he doesnโt even know how to ride a bicycle.โ
I watch Danny make his way to the front of the classroom. He usually sits right behind Julius, but today he hesitates, then pulls up a chair two
rows away. As he dumps his stuff out onto the table, his hair falls over his injured eye, and his features twist into a pronounced wince.
It would be far too arrogant to believe this is some sort of karma, that the universe has kindly overlooked all my mistakes and taken pity on me
and stepped in on my behalf. But the timing also seems a little too perfect to be a pure coincidence . . .
โHowโs the email thing going?โ Abigail asks, breaking through my confused jumble of thoughts.
I scan the seats around us. Most people are too busy filling in yesterdayโs worksheetโwhich Iโve already turned inโto be listening. Still,
just to be safe, I tear out a fresh page from my notebook and scribble:
Everyone still hates my guts, if thatโs what you mean. But Iโm planning on changing that. I just need to win them all over.
Abigail reads it, then writes underneath my last sentence in pink gel pen:ย Win them over?
Yeah. I was thinking cupcakes, but thatโs probably insufficient? Donโt undersell yourself. You make some pretty incredible cupcakes,
Abigail writes back.
I snort under my breath.ย Are they so incredible theyโd make you forget
someone writing six hundred words about all the ways youโd wronged them in the past?
Okay, fair point, she concedes. She pauses, tapping her pen against the paper the way she always does in tests when sheโs stuck on a question. Then the pen stills in her fingers, and her eyes light up.ย What if you threw a
party?
A party?ย I stare at the words in her fun, loopy cursive, then in my own sharp, tidy letters. Iโve never hosted a party before. Iโve never even held a birthday party. My momโs offered multiple times in the past, but it always felt too frivolous, too inconvenient.
Abigail smiles.ย Thereโs no quicker way to bond than over cheap beer and good music. Iโll make a playlist.
But who would even come?
Itโs a party. People will want to come, no matter whoโs hosting. Trust
me.
Our friendship has always been like thatโher leading the way with the
big ideas, and me following reluctantly, coaxed into buying that bold red lipstick or cutting my hair or going on a spontaneous road trip or dressing up as girl group members for Halloween.ย Trust me, I know what Iโm doing, sheโll say every time, and sheโs never been wrong before. Iย didย get
compliments on the red lipstick the few times I wore it, and our trip to the coast was the most fun Iโve had in years, picnicking on the sand with the
salt breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin. I owe some of my best and brightest memories to her.
Still, Iโm shocked to find myself actually considering the party. Itโs not impossible. My mom and brother are always invited to stay over at our auntโs house every two weeks or so. Sometimes I tag along, but most of the time I stay behind to focus on my schoolwork. I could host it when theyโre gone, clean up before theyโre back.
Because beneath my apprehension is the stronger, deeply ingrained need to be liked. To be accepted. To be forgiven. To be recognized asย good. Iโll do anything to redeem myself. The words on the bike shed flash through my mind again, and my chest contracts, like all the air has been sucked out of
the room.
โOkay,โ I say out loud, suppressing a grimace. โLetโs give it a shot.โ
โข โข โข
I donโt even have a chance to change my mind.
Abigail jumps into action straight away, spending the next several
periods scrolling through all her contacts to pick out who we should invite. Thereโs some kind of unspoken rule here about who you need to tell first to spread the word, who will go only if this other person is going, whoย wonโtย go if this other person is going. She tries to explain it to me as her nails click over the screen, tapping out the details, but it just makes my head fuzzy. I wonder if this is how she feels when Iโm teaching her stoichiometry.
Sheโs already placing orders for alcoholic beverages when the lunch bell rings.
โIโll handle this,โ she says, sliding down from the desk and waving me off. โGo to your book club thing.โ
โItโs the yearbook committee,โ I correct her.
She looks at me blankly. โWe still have one of those?โ
โWho do you think assembled all the photos and wrote the articles and produced the physical yearbooks that everyone went around signing at the end of the yearโโ I stop myself. โNever mind. Justโjust donโt organize anything too wild.โ
Her lips purse. โDefineย too wild.โ โAbigail.โ
โFine, Iโll park the fireworks display for now. And the mini petting zoo.โ
Iโm worried she isnโt joking, but my thoughts are soon occupied by other concerns. The yearbook committeeโs fortnightly meetings are always held in the English classroom during lunchtimes, which means theyโre run by Ms. Johnson.
Ms. Johnson, who evidently hasnโt forgiven me for the email yet.
โSadie.โ She sniffs when I walk in. The committee is small enough that you could count all its members on two hands. Most of them are already inside, leaning over to correct a document on someoneโs laptop, spreading out flyers over a desk, pulling the cling wrap from their sandwiches as they wait for the printer to load.
Julius is here too. Heโs reclining in one of the old plastic chairs like itโs a throne, his long legs stretched in front of him. And heโs wearing his blazer. Iโd folded it neatly inside an old shopping bag and dropped it off at his locker early this morning to avoid the awkwardness of handing it directly to him. At the sound of my name, his black eyes flicker up to me.
My pulse skips.
Yesterday afternoon still feels too fresh, too raw, like an open flame between us. The memories smolder inside my head. Him with his damp hair falling into his eyes, the weight of his blazer around me, his slender hand around my wrist.
And itโs irrational, because Iโve seen him almost every day for the past ten years. I should be used to it by nowโtoย him.ย Heโs as permanent a
fixture as the clock hanging on the walls, the view of the emerald school
oval from the windows, the dull circular patterns in the carpet. But something feels different. Slightly askew.
โ. . . listening to me, Sadie?โ
โHuh?โ I startle, and hastily turn my gaze back to Ms. Johnsonโs disapproving face. โIโm so sorry, could you . . . say that again?โ
Before Emailgate, she would have smiled at me, or peered at me with concern. Now she just heaves an irritable sigh and beckons for Julius to
come over. โSince Iโm going to have to repeat myself, I might as well tell you both at once.โ
Julius positions himself to my far right, leaving four wide feet of
distance between us. It feels particularly pointed today, like heโs trying to prove something to me, or to himself.
โPrincipal Miller has asked me to assign a task to you two,โ Ms.
Johnson says. โWe have a four-page spread for the notable alumni section of the yearbook, but not enough content to go in there . . .โ
โWhy donโt you name another one of the curtains in the cafeteria after a notable alumnus and hold a grand naming ceremony again?โ Julius asks innocently.
I have to stifle a snort.
Ms. Johnson misses the sarcasm. โThatโs a good idea, Julius, but as of
now all our curtains are already named. We thought it would be a better idea for you to conduct an interview with one of our very own alumni. See what theyโve been up to since they left Woodvale. Celebrate their successes.
What do you think?โ
I open my mouth. โIโโ
โIโm glad we all agree,โ Ms. Johnson says, and whips out a long list of names. โYou can find the contact details here. Iโd suggest you call them instead of emailโyouโre much more likely to get responses that way. The final draft for the interview is due the Friday after next. Any questions?โ
I try again. โJust oneโโ
โGreat,โ she says briskly, smiling at only Julius, then struts back to her desk.
A silence falls over us. We both stand there, rigid, listening to the low whirring of the printer in the background, the muted tapping of the keyboard. Neither of us wants to do this.
โWow, sheย reallyย doesnโt like you,โ Julius says after a beat. He canโt even hide the surprise in his voice.
โI know,โ I grumble. Itโs the obvious truth, but my skin still stings from it. I grab the list to hide my burning face and flip through the pages. โLetโs aim to finish this before the end of lunch,โ I tell him, making my way to the empty table at the back of the classroom. My fingers itch with the need toย doย something, to prove myself to Ms. Johnson, to get into her good graces again. Maybe if we handle the interview well, sheโll like me again. Or at least stop hating me.
Julius takes the seat next to me. But again, he makes sure to leave a significant amount of space between us so thereโs zero chance of him touching me by accident.
For some reason, Iโm more irritated than glad.
โYouโre not going to be able to see like that,โ I point out. โWhat?โ
โThe contact information.โ
โI can see it just fine from here,โ he insists.
โReally?โ I hold the list up. โWhat does the first name say?โ
He squints at it, which really goes to show how far away he is. My irritation thickens. โSarah . . . Newman?โ
โItโs Clare Davis,โ I say flatly as I punch her number into my phone.
Iโm praying sheโll pick up on the first ring, say sheโs available for the
interview, and then weโll be done. โNone of those letters were accurate. Theย numberย of letters wasnโt even accurate. Why are you all the way over there if you canโt see? Are you afraid Iโll bite you or something?โ
He rolls his eyes with what feels like exaggerated disdain. โIn what world amย Iย afraid of you?โ
โThen come closer.โ
โFine.โ He drags his chair forward until heโs right next to me, his shoulder almost pressed to mine, the heat of his skin seeping through my shirt. Until Iโm aware of nothing except him, his nearness, his physical presence. And suddenly I find myself regretting my own request. Itโs hard to think straight like this. I canโt even move without brushing against him. But asking him to go back would be admitting defeatโworse, it would be admitting he affects me. So I pretend to ignore him and focus on the call.
My phone heats up in my hand as the dial tone sounds through the speaker. Once, twice, three times . . .
On the fifth ring, Clare picks up. โHello?โ Her voice is curt, skeptical, like sheโs 90 percent certain Iโm a scammer about to sell her insurance for solar panels she doesnโt own.
I try not to fidget in my seat. I wish I wasnโt the kind of person who is always so sensitive to other peopleโs shifting moods and tones, who startles when someone raises their voice even a little, who cowers when someone
else gets annoyed. โHi,โ I say, with as much warmth as I can project into the line. โThis is Sadie Wen. Iโm, um, calling on behalf of the yearbook committee at Woodvaleโโ
โWoodvale?โย She lets out a snort so loud I almost drop the phone. โNah, I graduated that flaming garbage dump ages agoโโ
I quickly take her off loudspeaker and bring the phone up to my ear, but everybodyโs already heard. Ms. Johnson is staring my way, her lips disappearing into a fine line. The students sitting at the other desk dissolve into giggles.
โ. . . Iโm, like, so over high school,โ Clare says. I hear honking on her end, the white rush of movement, then a muffled curse. โStop cutting in
front of me, you asshatโIโm driving, by the way.โ
โOh,โ I say. Then, as if Iโve been possessed by the spirit of a driving instructor, I add, โItโs not safe for you to be calling, then. Eyes on the road.โ
โYou calledย me,โ she says.
โRight. Sorry. Umโโ I can feel myself growing flustered. It doesnโt help that Julius hasnโt lifted his eyes from me this whole time. โWe were
only wondering if you would be interested in doing an interview forโโ โNope.โ
I have no idea how to respond. โUm, thatโs fine, then. Thanks for your time andโโ
The line clicks.
โBye,โ I mutter to nobody, setting the phone back down.
โThatโs it?โ Julius says. He shifts forward, his left shoulder bumping against mine with the rising motion. โThat was terrible. You werenโt even trying to be persuasive.โ
I glare at him. โYou heard her. She wasnโt interested.โ
โAll I heard was you telling her to drive safely, then apologizing for no good reason, as per usual,โ he drawls. โSheย should have apologized; she
was the one with an attitude.โ
โYou act as if you could produce better results.โ
โI can.โ He holds his hand out for the phone, but as I pass it over, my gaze falls on his knuckles. Theyโre split open and raw red. My first impression is that it must be from scrubbing the shed yesterday, but that canโt be right. Heโd been wearing those ridiculous gloves for the very
purpose of protecting his skin.
And this looks more unnatural, more deliberate, as if heโd slammed his fist into something hard . . .
Like Dannyโs face.
Heโs dialing the next number when he glances up. Catches me staring. โYour hand,โ I begin, because thereโs no point hiding it. โDid youโโ โDid I what?โ
What Iโd been meaning to say was,ย Did you hit Danny yesterday? Was that where you went after we cleaned the shed?ย But before the words can leave my tongue, I note the coldness in his eyes, the closed-off way heโs
holding himself, and I realize how utterly ridiculous that question is. It must have been a strange coincidence, thatโs all. Julius Gong is far more likely to high-five Danny than hit him.
โWhat happened?โ I ask instead.
โNone of your business.โ His voice is aloof.
Okay, it definitely couldnโt have been him.ย Iโm mortified I had even considered the idea. โI was just asking out of politenessโโ
โWell, then, you donโt have to pretend to care.โ
I bristle, certain Iโm about to start breathing fire. Why does everything have to be so difficult when it comes to him? But itโs not just anger twisting its way around my stomach like a serpent. Embarrassingly enough, itโs hurt too. There had been the briefest moment yesterday afternoon, when he offered me his blazer, where I thought . . . I donโt know. Maybe he didnโtย detestย me. Maybe he had the capacity to be nice, like a normal human being. Another absurd, impossible idea.
โYes?โ A male voice floats up from the phone. โWho is this?โ โHello, Iโm Julius Gong. Is this Logan?โ Heโs firm but polite, each
word clear and crisp but not too loud. He makes me want to kick something. โWe have a great media opportunity here and as the most accomplished Woodvale alumnus, you were the very first person we thought of . . .โ
โLiar,โ I mouth at him.
He doesnโt even blink before continuing, โYour list of athletic accomplishments is truly impressiveโโ
But the man cuts him off midsentence. โYeah, listen, Iโm flattered, but thisย reallyย isnโt a good time right now. Iโm, um, with company.โ
Just then, a girl chimes in the background,ย โLoโgan.โย She stretches the name out into a long whine. โArenโt you coming back?โ
Julius stares down at the phone like it might grow teeth and bite him. For the first time, he looks wildly uncomfortable, a flush spreading up the smooth skin of his neck. โI can . . . call back,โ he offers.
โIโm probably going to be, ah, preoccupied for the rest of today,โ Logan says. โSorry, man, I donโt think Iโm the right person to ask. Better luck with someone else.โ
Then he hangs up.
Julius appears to be frozen with shock. At last, he thaws enough to force out the words โDid he justย hang upย on me?โ Like itโs a supernatural phenomenon, a violation of the laws that govern our universe.
I would be laughing if we werenโt tied down to the same task. Still, I canโt help getting a jibe in while I can. โThat wasโwhat was the word you used? Oh, yes. Terrible.โ
He scoffs, but I can tell heโs affronted. โThat was an exception.โ
It quickly becomes apparent though that Clare and Logan arenโt the exception, but the norm. While the other students munch on their toasted
sandwiches and relax by the sunlit windows, we run through the rest of the list, crossing off one name after another with increasing frustration. My
fingers become stiff from dialing. Some of the phone numbers are no longer active. Some are switched off. Many people simply donโt pick up. The few who do are busy, or foresee that they will soon be very busy, or just canโt be bothered to make any commitments. One personย wouldย be available, except theyโre about to embark on a thirty-day trek through a jungle and wonโt
have any signal. One woman cusses me out for bothering her, and Iโm so horrified that Julius has to pull the phone from me and end the call.
But before he does, he says pleasantly into the speaker, โHave a horrible rest of your day. Oh, and also . . .โ Then he gestures for me to say something.
โI donโt know what to say,โ I hiss, panicking.
He lifts a dark brow. โYou didnโt have any trouble finding the words when you were insulting me. Go on. Youโre not going to let her curse at you for nothing, are you?โ
It could be a trick, or a trap. But I have to admit: Iโm tempted. And Iโm tired of being called names, of absorbing other peopleโs anger. So I lean closer and clear my throat. โI hope, um, you miss the train home and . . .โ
Julius looks at me, expectant. Itโs a look that saysย Is that the best you can do?
I canโt help rising to the challenge. โI hope you find that you have no clean plates left for dinner,โ I continue, my voice strengthening with every
word, even as my heartbeat accelerates. โAnd your neighbors start partying at ten p.m. but their music taste is solely advertising background tracks, and the shower runs out of hot water right after youโve applied shampoo.โ
โI think itโs fairly safe to say we wonโt be interviewing her,โ Julius remarks as he sets the phone down.
I laugh, which seems to please him, which in turn makes me feel like
Iโve done something wrong. Missed something important. And yetโitย hadย been satisfying, speaking aloud the things I would normally reserve for my drafts.
The downside is that we now only have one name left.
โWeโve gone through everything,โ Julius says, flipping the paper around. โMaybe we should just interview me instead. Iโll join the list of notable alumni shortly after graduatingโmight as well do it in advance.โ
My brows furrow. โHang on. There was still oneโโ
โI donโt think so,โ he says. His fingers splay over the list, the movement subtle but deliberate.
โWhy are you acting so weird?โ โIโm not.โ His chin juts out.
I glance at the clock over Ms. Johnsonโs desk. Three minutes left of lunch. Around us, the other committee members are already starting to unplug their chargers, snap their lunch boxes shut, throw away scrap paper and grease-stained wrappers. I have no idea whatโs going on with Julius, but I donโt have the time to sit around and argue over nothing. โWhatever,โ I say. โIโve got the name and number memorized. Itโs James Luo.โ
The line of his shoulders tightens, and for a split second, faster than I can blink, some dark emotion clouds his features. โHow did you . . .โ
โYouโre not the only one with a good memory,โ I remind him as I stab in the numbers. Iโm bragging a little, but Iโm not exaggerating. Iโve never had much trouble recalling dates, facts, names, the places on a map. But
sometimes my own memory backfires on me. Because besides cold, hard statistics, I remember every single time Iโve lost to Julius in a test, every time someoneโs yelled at me, every embarrassment and failure and
disappointment. Everything leaves an indelible mark on me, buries a permanent blade under my skin.
When the line connects, the voice that speaks up sounds oddly familiar. Something about the tone, the inflection of the words, the faint rasp at the edges. โHello? This is James speaking.โ
โHi,โ I say, my mind spinning, struggling to place it. โIโm Sadie Wen, calling from Woodvaleโโ
To my surprise, he laughs. โOh, I know you. Youโre the other captain, right? My little brother talks about you all the time.โ
I falter. Beside me, Julius has gone very still, his complexion pale. โYour . . . little brother?โ
โYeah,โ James says breezily. โMy brother, Julius Gong.โ