โEveryone hates the Athletics Carnival.โ
Everyone.ย The nonathletic kids hate it because itโs one whole day spent sweating in the open and stumbling after your classmates. The athletic kids hate it because thereโs an incredible amount of pressure to perform, and
someone always ends up with a sprained ankle or torn ligament.
Though I fall into the latter category, I donโt usually mind the event as much as the others. But after spending the weekend hungover and miserable, itโs difficult to drum up any enthusiasm.
โI have a solution,โ Abigail says as we walk into the rented stadium, our duffel bags bumping against our knees. The sun is unreasonably bright today, and the temperature rises anywhere the light touches, so that soon most students are shrugging out of their thick sweaters and tracksuits.
Better this, I guess, than the year the school insisted we run in a literal thunderstorm. More than one person sprained their ankle that time. โWhat if you ran me over gently with a car? Theyโd have to cancel the carnival,
right? Iโm willing to take one for the team.โ
A small snort escapes my lips. The stadium is so vast that it takes us ten minutes just to reach the stands and plop our water bottles down on the
plastic seats. Every year, we come here, and every year, I still find myself intimidated by the sheer size of the running track.
โIf you want to take one for the team, you could join the relay,โ I tell Abigail while I slather multiple layers of sunscreen all over my body. Those year-round UV radiation infographics they shoved down our throats in primary school have really stuck with me. โWe still have an opening left.โ
She makes a face. โListen, we both know Iโm multitalented, but running is one of the only things Iโmย notย great at.โ
โDoesnโt matter. Iโll run fast enough to make up for it.โ
โCould we please at least consider the idea of hitting me with a car?โ she whines.
โAbigail.โ
โFine.โ She throws her hands up. โOnly because I still feel guilty about leaving the party early.โ
My gut squirms at the reminder, but I force myself to smile. โI told you, itโs fine. It went well.โ
โThatโs not what everyone else is saying.โ
I make an effort not to react.ย I donโt care.ย I squeeze more sunscreen into my palms and smear it thick over my neck, the strong, artificial smell burning my nostrils.ย I donโt want to know. Itโs better if I donโt know.
โWhat . . . What is everyone else saying?โ
She hesitates. โThat you kind of, like, flipped out.โ
Theyโre not wrong, but it feels like a slap in the face anyway. A hundred protests and explanations and apologies make their way to my lips. I
swallow them all down. After my little breakdown, Iโd promised myself I would listen to my mom. I would give it time. Resist picking any unripe watermelons, or whatever the metaphor is meant to be.
โAlso,โ she says, frowning, โI heard that something . . . happened with Julius?โ
My stomach contracts. โHang on. First tell me what happened withย you,โ I say, wiping the excess sunscreen on my arms. Iโm mostly changing the subject to buy myself time, to figure out how Iโm supposed to tell her I kissed the boy Iโve been ranting about for the past decade. โDid you
manage to help your sister?โ
A shadow crosses her face. โI did. Well, kind of. I helped her with the car, but . . .โ She chews her lower lip, then heaves a sigh. โThe reason she and Liam were fighting was because she found out heโs been cheating on her. Not just with one person, butย multiple people.โ
I wince, sympathetic but unsurprised.
โI canโt believe I didnโt know,โ she says, kicking at the artificial grass. โI even encouraged her to stay with him the last time they fought. I should have been able to sense something was off.โ
This is the thing about Abigail: She might not have the best grades or
the most reliable career plans, but I know she prides herself on having good instinct, whether itโs about shoes or boys or if the teachers will actually be collecting the homework on Monday. She makes all the calls, gives out the advice. Sheโs always rightโand thatโs a direct quote from one of the sticky notes on her lunch box.
โI justโ I thought I was doing what was best for her,โ she continues in a small voice.
And I realize that I absolutely canโt tell her what happened between me and Julius. The party had been her idea too. The last thing she needs to hear right now is how much I regretted the whole night, how itโs made my weird relationship with Julius a thousand times more complicated. โYou couldnโt have known,โ I reassure her. โItโs an unfortunate feature of douchebags that theyโre good at hiding their douchebag tendencies. And by the way, you
were totally right about the party.โ โReally?โ
The fact that sheโs even asking is proof sheโs just suffered a terrible
blow to her self-esteem. โYeah, seriously. Like, yes, I kind of lost it at the end because things got a little out of control, but before that, I had so much fun. I havenโt felt that enthusiastic about life since I finished color-coding all my history notes.โ Itโs a miracle I donโt choke on the words. Before she can detect my lie, I spin around. โNow, if youโll excuse me, I have to go get a bunch of people to sign up for races they would rather die than run.โ
Itโs a legitimate reason. Ms. Hedge cornered me outside the bus before we left this morning and forced the task on me. Julius and I each have twenty spots to fill, which is why I spend the next half hour running around the stadiumโnot in races, but in search of potential participants. By the end, ten spots are still left empty. Nothing works, even when I use every strategy I can think of:
Pleading.
โItโs really important,โ I beg one of the sportier boys in our year. Heโs lounging in the front row of the stands, shamelessly scrolling through some pretty girlโs account on his phone. He doesnโt glance up at me. โPlease.
Everyone should sign up for at least one raceโโ โIs it compulsory though?โ he asks.
โI . . . Itโsย expectedโโ
โWill the principal expel me if I donโt run this race?โ โNo, butโโ
โYeah, Iโm good, thanks.โ I watch him send the girlโs recent post to a friend, alongside a disturbing number of heart-eye emojis. โGood luck finding someone else.โ
โGood luck getting her attention with your current profile picture,โ I canโt help muttering. I wouldnโt under normal circumstances, but after the party, I figure I canโt be anyย lessย popular than I already am.
Now he jerks his head up. Looks alarmed. โWhat? Hey, wait, whatโs wrong with my currentโโ
But Iโm already moving on to my next target with another strategy.
Negotiating.
โJust one race,โ I tell Georgina when I find her by the water fountains. โI can run the fifteen hundred meters for you if you run the five hundred meters.โ
She shoots me an apologetic smile. โSorry, Sadie. I twisted my ankle on the bus just now. Itโs probably best that I donโt.โ
โOn theโon theย bus?โ I repeat, blinking. โHow did you . . . How is that even . . .โ
โI think I was sitting down,โ she says. โAnd?โ
โAnd then I stood up,โ she says somberly.
โYou twisted your ankle,โ I say, in case Iโm misunderstanding. โFrom the very act of standing.โ
โYep. That did it,โ she agrees, and turns away. Which leads me to my last resortโ
Guilt tripping.
โWe need you,โ I say, cornering Ray outside the bathrooms. โIf you donโt run at least one of the races, then Georgina Wilkins will have to, and sheโs twisted her ankle. Youโre not going to let her go instead of you, are you?โ
Ray dries his hands on his shirt and raises his brows. โTwisted her ankle? How?โ
โYou donโt need to know,โ I say hastily. โCan you run? Or will you sit on the sidelines, in the shade, and watch all your classmates struggle out
there on the track, sweating and gasping for breath?โ
โSit in the shade,โ he says without hesitation. โI have a fear of running, you see.โ
I almost throw up blood. โYouโre not serious.โ โItโs a very real fear. Google it.โ
โIโm sorry, but how does that even work?โ
โAs soon as my feet start moving very fast,โ he says, โmy heart just
starts beating wildly, and my vision goes all blurry. Itโs like being on a roller coaster. Or in a race car. The speed at which the world rushes past me is
terrifying.โ
โHow poetic,โ I remark under my breath. โYouโre welcome, by the way,โ he adds. I stare. โForย what?โ
โThe dare at your party.โ He grins. โNever imagined you and Julius would be so into it.โ
โI wasnโtโโ My voice comes out ten octaves too high, and I forcefully lower it back down as Rayโs grin widens. โI wasย not. And he most definitely wasnโt either.โ Just the memory makes my face burn like itโs being pressed to a stove.ย I would rather die than kiss you again.ย โForget it,โ I decide, shaking my head free of all unwelcome thoughts. โIโll justโIโll run the
races by myself.โ
โWell, you better go soon,โ he says, stepping right into the shade. โI think the relayโs starting now.โ
โข โข โข
Iโm cursing the world when I take my place beside Julius.
He looks unreasonably relaxed. Prepared. The sun dances over his hair as he stretches his limbs out and surveys the running track. Of course, if I hadย hisย team, I would probably be relaxed too. Heโs got Rosie, Jonathan, and a national athlete as his first three runners for the relay. Theyโre all known for being fast. I have Abigail, one of Rosieโs friends, and the guy who came in dead last in the one-hundred-meter sprint last year because he got tired halfway.
โHow did you go with the sign-ups?โ he asks, glancing over at me.
โFine,โ I say briskly, flexing my right leg, then my left. The race will be starting in two minutes.
โWell, Iโve filled up all the positions for my races,โ he says. โIt was hardly any trouble getting people to enter.โ
โHow nice that it worked out for you.โ
He pretends to miss my sarcasm. โArenโt you going to wish me good luck?โ he asks. โSince weโre racing against each other and all.โ
I bounce slightly on the balls of my feet to warm up, waiting for my
nerves to morph into adrenaline. Since itโs the first race of the day, the relay is always the one everybody pays the most attention to. I need to focus. I need to win this. I need to beat him. โAre you going to wishย meย good luck?โ
He laughs. Literally, laughs in my face. โNow, why would I do that?โ
In the distance, the teacher lifts the starting pistol. All the muscles in my body tense.
โIn that case,โ I say, staring straight ahead, โI hope you break your leg.โ โYouโre very prickly today,โ he comments, unfazed. โIs it because you
couldnโt find anyone willing to run? Or is it because of your massive hangover?โ
I stiffen, my focus breaking, and whirl around to face him. Luckily all the other runners are already in position, so thereโs no one around to overhear.
โDonโt tell me youโve forgotten how drunk you were,โ he says, his gaze sharper, assessing.
โIโI donโt know what youโre talking about.โ โReally?โ He cocks his head. โNothing?โ
โNo.โ Iโm lying, sort of. The details from Saturday are fuzzy, but I remember the feeling growing inside me when it was just the two of us.
Like there was a burning torch in my chest, heat buzzing through my veins, more potent than the liquor itself. I remember the wanting, the dangerous
knife point of desire, the need to do something foolish and reckless with him. Now that Iโm completely sober, itโs easy to dismiss it all as pure, physical attraction. It makes scientific sense. The alcohol would have helped me ignore the many defects of his personality, until all that was left was his geometrically pleasing features, his eyes and his lips and his hands. And from an evolutionary standpoint, isnโt it normal to want someone pretty, who happens to be your age, and who also just happens to be in your house? Isnโt it coded in our biology?
โThen why are you blushing?โ Julius asks.
I twist my head away. โStop it. I know what youโre doing.โ โWhat am I doing?โ
The pistol goes off with a loud bang, and cheers rise from the stands. Itโs starting.
โDistracting me,โ I reply through my teeth, willing myself to focus on the race. On Abigail. A few seconds in and sheโs already falling behind Rosie.
โYou wouldnโt think that if it wasnโt working,โ Julius says, and I can hear the poisonous smile in his voice. โBut do you really not recall any details?โ
The second runner on their team has picked up the baton. Jonathan is so fast I swear I can see the wind at his heels. Abigail, meanwhile, is panting
hard, holding out the baton with one shaking armโand the next runner fumbles it.
A mixture of screams and frustrated cries sound through the stadium.
Itโs okay, I reassure myself. Repeat it like a chant inside my head. Itโs okay. Itโs fine. Iโm the last runner for a reason. I can make up for all the lost time.
โYou donโt remember what you asked me to do?โ Julius presses.
I canโt help it. I swivel toward him again, my heart thudding, even though Iโm aware Iโm rising to the bait. โWhat?โ
Butย nowย he chooses to shut up. Their team has completed their second exchange, and I can only watch, choking on my own frustration, as Julius smoothly accepts the baton and takes off.
โCome on,โ I hiss, tapping my feet. Our runner is still five feet away. Four feet.
Julius is racing far ahead, only the back of his head visible from where I stand.
Three feet.
I tense my muscles, stretch my hand out. Two feet.
โHurry,โย I urge under my breath, even though I want to scream it.
Julius canโt win. He canโt. I wonโt give him that satisfaction.
One footโ
My fingers close over the baton, and Iโm running.
It takes a moment for me to find my rhythm, but once I do, all the builtโup adrenaline floods through my limbs. I run faster than I ever have in my life, my eyes pinned on only one person: Julius. My target, my goal.
This is what we do, what we have always done. We chase each other and circle each other and catch up to each other.
I have to catch up to him now.
I force my feet onward, relishing the hard push of the ground beneath me, the blood burning inside me, my hair flying back in the wind. Colors blur past my vision. Noise rushes down to me in waves. Iโm running so fast
I feel weightless. I feel like Iโm falling, my body moving ahead of me. Thereโs no gravity, no friction, nothing except the frantic beat of my heart and the person in my vision. Iโm only a few steps behind him now, and I can sense his awareness of me from the way he speeds up. Heโs breathing hard, his forehead covered in a sheen of sweat. His eyes dart to me.
The distance between us widens, then narrows, like a game of tugโofโwar.
A muscle in my side starts to cramp, but I ignore the pain. Lengthen my strides. Cut my hands through the air. Itโs not only a physical competition but a mental one, a test of willpower, of who wants to win more badly. And Iโmย so close. Weโre neck and neck by this point, and the end is just ahead of us.
I need to keep going. Keep running.
He pulls ahead again by an inch and my vision flashes red.
With one final burst of pure, unrestrained energy, I leap forward, the air whipping my face as I break the finish lineโa split second before he does.
Iโm beaming, laughing between great gulps of air.ย Iโve won.ย Victory is always delicious, but it tastes even better when itโs Julius Iโm beating. We both slow down. The crowd applauds wildly in the background, the claps indistinguishable from the sound of my heartbeat in my ears.ย Seven points to me, I gloat inside my head, though I realize I canโt remember what our scores were before. I havenโt been properly keeping count.
Most runners double over as soon as the race ends, or collapse dramatically on the ground, the way Abigail is doing now. But of course
Julius is too dignified for that. He merely stands, wipes the sweat from his brow, and turns to me, his lips pursed.
โArenโt you going to congratulate me?โ I ask, mimicking his smug tone from before.
He rolls his eyes. โShameless.โ
โI must have learned it from you,โ I tell him, my grin widening.
He pauses then. His irritation melts away, replaced briefly by a confused, dazed sort of look, like heโs just been presented with something unexpected. He stares long enough for me to feel self-conscious.
โWhat?โ I try to sound casual. โAre you too stunned by your own defeat?โ
A scowl quickly reappears on his face. โThat was only a warmโup for me.โ
โWeโll see if thatโs true in the next race,โ I tell him before I walk away to fetch my medal. I can feel him glaring after me.
โข โข โข
Regrettably I donโt have time to savor his defeat. I donโt even have time to sit down or grab a drink of water. There are too many races to run, too many people demanding my attention. I manage to win the next race, but Julius
wins the sprint after that, as well as the long jump, which I bitterly attribute to the unfair advantage he has in height.
The sun rises higher in the sky, throwing off blinding beams of light.
I start to lose count of how far Iโve run, how far I still have left to go. I just push my body harderโand itโsย working. Iโm invincible. Iโm doing so well I even manage to come first in the eight hundred meters. Another medal collected, another tick next to my name, another number added to my winning streak.
But as I stagger off to the sidelines, a sudden wave of exhaustion crashes over me, andโ
I canโt breathe.
The realization sends me into a panic. I try to suck in more air, but itโs like thereโs an invisible hand wrapped around my throat, squeezing tighter
and tighter. The oxygen gets stuck halfway down, and my lungs are empty. I double over, trembling, clutching at the stitch in my side. The sun is too bright. All my senses are off-balance, everything tilting away at an odd degree. My vision narrows to a white pinprick.
Iโm still struggling to breathe.
I blink hard, and when the world comes rushing back to me again, only one face sharpens into focus. Black hair, pale skin, sharp lines. A strange look in his eyes.
Julius.
Heโs staring at me, saying something, but the sound is distorted. At first I can only hear the blood thudding in my ears, the thunderous beat of my heart. Itโs so loud it scares me, and I have a terrifying vision of my heart exploding inside my chest. I swallow down another futile mouthful of air. It goes nowhere.
โ. . . Sadie. You need to sit down.โ
Somehow itโs his voice that cuts through everything else, the blur of
noise and colors in the background, the oblivious cheers of the crowd. Clear as the sky, familiar as my own heartbeat, a line to cling on to out at sea.
I mumble a response,ย Iโm fine, itโs okay, just a little tired, but Iโm not sure if he can even hear me. If my lips even move enough to form real words.
A crease knits itself between his brows. โSadieโโ
I take another step forward and my knees turn to water. I stumble.
Then suddenly, without warning, his arms are around me. If I werenโt so dizzy, I would jerk away. But to my own humiliation, I lean into him. Itโs nice. Itโs horribly, disgustingly wonderful, to feel the warmth of his body,
the hard lines of his chest. I could sink into this moment forever, could let him hold me andโ
No.
The lack of oxygen must be suffocating my brain cells.
โHere.โ He guides me onto one of the benches in the shade, and the immediate reprieve from the sun is blissfully sweet. The air here feels cooler, gentler. I drink it in like Iโm drowning, until my head is light.
โBreathe in slowly.โ He kneels down in front of me, his hands around my wrists. โCount: one, two, three . . .โ
I follow his guidance, counting to five, holding then releasing, then breathing in again. After ten counts, the white spot in my vision begins to fade. Another ten counts and the metal band around my chest loosens.
โAre you feeling better?โ Julius asks. My voice is a dry croak. โYโyes.โ
In a flash he drops his hands, steps back, and I feel a pinch of something like disappointment. Like loss. His features are tight when he hisses out his next words. โWhatโs your problem?โ
โWhatโs my problem?โ My mind is lagging behind, working at half its usual speed. I can only repeat the words foolishly. Wonder at why he looks the way he does, the muscle in his jaw tensed, his gaze cold and sharp and furious.
โAre you trying to kill yourself?โ he demands. His eyes cut through me as he speaks, splitting me open from head to toe. โYou look like youโre about to faint, Sadie. Itโs not a very pretty image.โ
My lungs are functioning well enough now that I manage to pant out a reply. โWhat areย youย getting so worked up for? Iโm the one gasping for air over here.โ
He makes a small, angry sound with the back of his throat, like a scoff and a sigh at the same time. โYou donโt get it, do you?โ
โGet what? What are you on about?โ
But he doesnโt answer the question. Heโs talking faster and faster, the words spilling from his mouth. โItโs laughable, really. Youโre always
insistent on coming first in everything, but when it comes down to it, youโre ready to put yourself last just to please other peopleโโ
โThe others need me to,โ I protest, confused why weโre even having this conversation. โThey didnโt want to race soโโ
โScrew the others,โ he says fiercely. The heat in his voice shocks me.
Burns me to the core. โI donโt care about them. I only care aboutโโ He
cuts himself off. Averts his gaze, stares out at the vivid blue sky stretching over the stadium. The students milling around the water fountain, tearing
open packets of dried nuts and chocolate bars. Participants warming up by the fences, bending and straightening their legs out over the grass.
My head is spinning, but I can no longer tell if itโs from the lack of oxygen or him.
โWhy are you mad at me?โ I ask him outright. โYou should be happy.
Thereโs no way Iโll win any of our remaining races. You get to beat me. Itโs what youโve always wanted.โ
He huffs out a laugh. Gazes back over at me, his eyes a fathomless black, the kind of darkness you could wade through forever and never reach the end. โGood god, youโre infuriating.โ
โAnd youโre making no sense,โ I snap. โWhy canโt you justโโ
The shrill shriek of the whistle drowns out the rest of his sentence. The next race will be starting soon: the one thousand meters.
I stand upโor try to. But my legs feel like theyโve been infused with lead, and the whole world wobbles when I rise, the running track sliding sideways. White stars spark in my vision again. Frustrated, I fall back onto the cold bench.
โMy body wonโt listen to me,โ I mutter, catching my breath. โYes, bodies tend to do that to protect themselves from self-
destruction.โ Juliusโs tone is scathing. โI believe itโs one of our key evolutionary features.โ
I donโt have the energy to argue with him. โI still have to race . . .โ โThe one thousand meters, right?โ
I blink at him.
โIโll run it for you.โ
โWaitโwhat?โ I massage my throbbing temples, willing myself to concentrate. To make sense of this.
โIโll be faster anyway,โ he says with his usual disdain, like Iโm slowing him down right now. But the smugness doesnโt spread to his eyes. Heโs watching me, tentative, intensely focused.
โNo. Julius, you donโt have toโโ
โIโll give you the medal as a present,โ he says, already turning around. โJust wait.โ
I canโt do anything except stare as he goes to the teacher, says something, points over at me. My skin flushes. The teacher nods quickly, claps him on the shoulder, and then heโs joining the other racers at the starting line. For most of them, this is only their first race. Theyโre clearly
well rested, their hair combed back, shirts smooth, shielding their eyes from the sun, restless energy rippling off their bodies. Next to them, Julius moves with the calculated quiet of a predator. He lowers himself into the correct stance. Fingers touch the red synthetic surface. Shoulders tense. Eyes ahead.
The teacher raises the starting pistol.
Bang.
Cheers and screams erupt from the crowds in the stands as they take off. From the very beginning, heโs ahead by a good few feet. Iโve always raced beside him, only ever been granted flickers of movement in my peripheral vision, the threat of his footsteps next to me. Iโve never had the chance to
observe him in action. He makes it look easy. His every stride is long, deliberate, steady. He runs like thereโs no gravity, like thereโs no resistance.
Weโre typically told to jog the one thousand meters, to save our stamina for the end, but he sprints the whole way without so much as faltering.
โHoly shit,โ I hear someone yell from the sidelines. โHoly shit, dude.
Heโs goingย fastโโ
โWhatโs gotten into him?โ
When Julius crosses the finish line alone, the indisputable winner, to wild roars from the spectators, a grin splits over my face.
But I bite it back down when he walks straight over to me. The gold medal swings from his neck, gleaming in the sunlight. He takes it off, then holds it out toward me.
โYours.โ
Iโd thought he was joking. โYou . . . But you won it. You should keep
it.โ
He rolls his eyes. โI have so many of these lying around my house I donโt have any room left.โ
โOkay, youโre just openly bragging nowโโ โOnly speaking the truth.โ
โIโโ
โJust take it, Sadie.โ He closes the distance between us and hangs the medal around my neck. Itโs still warm from his touch, smooth against my skin when I turn it over, unable to stop myself from admiring its faint glow, the shine of the gold. The weight of it. Itโs prettier than any necklace Iโve ever seen. I open my mouth to thank him, but then he adds, carelessly, โConsider it compensation for all the awards Iโve taken from you.โ
My gratitude curdles into a scoff on my tongue, and he laughs at the look on my face.
โYouโre welcome,โ he says. โFor being cocky?โ
โThat too.โ
But I brush my thumb over the medal, and even though I canโt decide what it really meansโa gift, a form of compensation, proof of somethingโ itโs somehow one of the best things Iโve ever received.