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Chapter no 12

I Hope This Doesn't Find You

โ€ŒThe house has descended into complete anarchy.โ€Œ

For a few moments, I can only stand there and take the scene in, my mouth agape with horror. Someoneโ€™s pouring liquor into one of my momโ€™s favorite porcelain vases and using it as a giant wineglass, the citrus scent of alcohol wafting into the air so strong I can almost taste it.ย Threeย couples are making out on the couch in one row, as if theyโ€™re in a competition to see

who can make the most disturbing sounds or flash the most skin. The dining table has been pushed back to make room for a noisy game of beer pong; all the chairs are stacked up, the fruit bowl set down on the floor. Every now and then, a yell of frustration or delight is followed by a chorus of cheers.

There are wrappers everywhere, half-empty plastic cups, glitter from god knows where. Even worse, Iโ€™m now noticing that people are wearing their outdoor shoes indoors, leaving muddy marks all over the beige carpet.

I try to take a deep breath, but I end up choking on it. This is a nightmare.

And this is entirely my fault.

Iโ€™ve never felt so foolish, so helpless. I shouldnโ€™t have hosted this party. Ben was right about me. Iโ€™m not the kind of girl who canย chill out, the kind of person who invites the whole year level to their house and sits back to let the destruction happen. I need to get everything under control. โ€œCan you

please set those down?โ€ I ask the boy closest to me. Heโ€™s on the baseball team, and heโ€™s currently juggling five apples at once.

But the music has been turned up to full volume, the heavy bass shaking the walls. My voice is all but drowned out.

โ€œHello?โ€ I try again, louder, straining my vocal cords. When that doesnโ€™t work, I tap his shoulder.

โ€œWhat?โ€ The boy glances at me without pausing. โ€œWhat do you want?โ€ โ€œThe applesโ€”youโ€™re going to hit somethingโ€”โ€

The words have barely left my mouth when his hand slips and one of

the apples goes flying. It knocks over the potted plant on the bookshelf. The clay shatters at once, all the dirt spilling out onto the floor.

โ€œOops,โ€ he says faintly. โ€œMaybe I canโ€”โ€

โ€œNoโ€”no, itโ€™s okay.โ€ I eye the remaining apples, terrified theyโ€™re going to end up hurtling across the room too. โ€œYou just . . . stay there. I can handle this myself.โ€

I push past the sweaty dancing bodies and giggling clusters of friends and head straight for the cleaning cabinet in the laundry room, but one of the football team stars comes staggering out. Jonathan Sok: tall, tan,

handsome, and famously terrible at holding down his liquor. Heโ€™s swinging an empty beer bottle and straddling our only broom like itโ€™s a horse.

โ€œLook at my horse,โ€ he calls out with glee, galloping around the cramped space in a circle. Heโ€™s so drunk that his words are barely coherent.

But he keeps talking. โ€œLook at my horseโ€”look at my horseโ€”look at my horseโ€”โ€

โ€œYes, I can see,โ€ I say, to humor him. Mostly, I just want my broom back. โ€œIf you could please give it back to meโ€”โ€

โ€œItโ€™s aย horse,โ€ he protests, pouting. โ€œHer name is Wendy.โ€

Iโ€™m too tired to sit around and debate the name of an inanimate object. โ€œSure, whatever. I really need to clean this mess up . . .โ€

He prances out of the way. Up until this very moment, I didnโ€™t think people could actually prance. โ€œYouโ€™ll have to catch me first,โ€ he says.

โ€œNo, this isnโ€™t a gameโ€”โ€ I reach for the broom at the same moment he twirls around on the spot, promptly smacking me in the face with the handle.

It doesnโ€™t hurt that much. Not enough to leave a bruise. But the sheer physical shock of it sends me reeling backward, clutching my cheek. It feels like itโ€™s knocked something askew inside me. Or maybe Iโ€™m already off- balance; maybe I have been since I grabbed Julius and kissed him, or since I

kicked him outside. Maybe this is one of those Jenga block scenarios,

where the whole structure is shaking, unsteady, and all it takes is a single wrong moveโ€”or in this case, an unfortunate collision with the end of a broomstickโ€”for everything to come crashing down.

โ€œOkay, you know what?โ€ I drop my hand from my sore face. Jonathan Sok gapes up at me with bleary eyes, too dazed to be fully apologetic. โ€œThis partyโ€™s over.โ€

โ€œHuh?โ€

โ€œI said,ย itโ€™s over.โ€ My voice comes out louder and harsher than I meant, and the conversations around me die down. The air seems to congeal. โ€œI need to clean everything up and there are way too many people so if you could please all just . . . I donโ€™t know.โ€

Thereโ€™s a terrible pause. The musicโ€™s turned off, and the immediate silence is deafening by contrast. I can hear my own ears ringing.

โ€œWell, fine. Jesus,โ€ somebody mutters. They toss their bottle into a bin, grab their jacket, and turn to go. Itโ€™s not long before the others follow in a staggered line, collecting their bags and fumbling around for their phones,

the sober ones jangling their car keys. A few stop by to thank me for hosting the party, or apologize for making a mess, but most of them donโ€™t even look at me.

So much for fixing things.

My face and eyes burn. Slowly the house empties out, leaving me with the dirt on the floor, the overturned vases and chairs. It feels like someoneโ€™s scraped my insides raw. Itโ€™s a feeling worse than crying, because thereโ€™s no escape, nowhere for the disappointment and shame to go.

At what point, I wonder, staring at the front door as it swings shut one last time,ย does something become unfixable?ย At what point is a tapestry riddled with so many holes and loose threads that itโ€™s impossible to patch it up again? That it deserves to be thrown away instead?

โ€œWow. This place is a mess.โ€

I jump at the voice, my heartbeat pounding in my throat.

Iโ€™d thought that everyone had left, but when I spin around, Julius is there. Heโ€™s stayed. Thereโ€™s an unfamiliar expression on his face, something conflicted, something almost soft, like thereโ€™s an ache in him. In the orange glow of the living room lights, he looks far more vulnerable than he had outside, against the shadows and sky.

I wonder if heโ€™s going to make me apologize for kicking him. Iโ€™m not sure Iโ€™d be able to, even if I do feel a faint pinch of guilt.

But he doesnโ€™t say anything else. He simply rolls up his sleeves and starts smoothing out the cushions on the couch.

I stare at him. โ€œWhat are you doing?โ€

He doesnโ€™t glance back up. โ€œWhat does it look like?โ€

โ€œI . . .โ€ No words come out. I half expect it to be a trick, but then he

crouches down to clean up the confetti on the floor, his eyes dark and clear, his face serious.

Tentatively, I join him. Neither of us speaks, but the silence no longer feels like a death blow. If anything, it feels peaceful. I focus on the

repetitive motions, the easy rhythm of the task, the hushed swish of the broom. Maybe itโ€™s because weโ€™ve already worked together before on the bike shed, but we seem to understand each other. He grabs the trash can without me even having to ask; I pass him the water when I notice him reaching up.

In one psychology class, the teacher had explained to us how memories are formed. What kind of memories stick with us over the years. Itโ€™s not

always the ones you think matter the most, the typical milestones. Like, I canโ€™t really remember what we did for my thirteenth birthday, or the Spring Festival that year we flew to China, or the day I received the prestigious All Rounder Award.

But I do remember coming home from school one afternoon and smelling lemon cake in the kitchen and sharing it with my mother on these new pretty porcelain plates sheโ€™d bought on discount. I remember a random Saturday from nine years ago, when Max and I tried to lure the ducks home with little bites of bread. I remember the face of an old woman Iโ€™d passed

on the street, the precise floral patterns of her shirt, the dandelion sewn into her handbag, even though we never spoke and I never saw her again.

And I know, even as the present is unfolding, that Iโ€™ll always remember this. The gleam of confetti on the hardwood floor. The night falling around us. The dark strand of hair falling over Juliusโ€™s eyes. The quiet that feels

like a truce, a reprieve from the war, something more.

โ€œSo,โ€ Julius says as he carefully removes a party hat from one of Momโ€™s wood statues. โ€œI think itโ€™s safe to say you wonโ€™t be throwing another party

anytime soon?โ€

I manage a snort, as if the idea itself doesnโ€™t make me nauseous. โ€œNo.

No, I probably shouldnโ€™t have thrown this one. I just wanted . . . I just thought . . .โ€

โ€œYou thought itโ€™d make up for the emails.โ€

Itโ€™s so embarrassing to hear it spoken aloud, by Julius no less. It sounds so pathetic.

โ€œBut why?โ€ he presses.

I sweep the remaining confetti up into a small pile. โ€œWhat do you mean,ย why? I didnโ€™t have many other choices. Itโ€™s not like I could have afforded to send each person a personalized apology letter and expensive gift box for emotional damage.โ€

โ€œI mean, why do you think you have to make everyone forgive you?

What is there to forgive? Not saying that you were right to write those

emails,โ€ he adds hastily, catching the look on my face. โ€œBut I read the one you sent Rosie. She stole your science fair idea. If weโ€™re really talking about forgiveness, shouldnโ€™t she also be asking you to forgive her?โ€

I donโ€™t know what to make of this. I havenโ€™t given any thought to what others might owe me, only what I owe them. โ€œThatโ€™s . . . different,โ€ I say eventually. โ€œSheโ€™s more upset.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re upset too.โ€

โ€œYeah, but she doesnโ€™t seem to care, and I do. I reallyโ€”โ€ My breath catches in my throat. I bow my head, dump the confetti into a plastic bag,

watching the artificial colors catch the light as they swirl through the air. โ€œI

really canโ€™t stand it when people are angry at me. Like, I know it might be

simple for others, but I canโ€™t focus on anything else. I canโ€™t just forget about it and go on with my own life. Itโ€™s like thereโ€™s something hard wedged

inside my chest. Iโ€™ll always feel guilty. Iโ€™ll always want to make amends.โ€ He doesnโ€™t reply, and I realize Iโ€™ve said way too much.

โ€œForget it,โ€ I mumble. โ€œYou wonโ€™t understand.โ€ โ€œIโ€™m trying to.โ€

My head jerks up, and when I meet his eyes, I experience a roaring rush of heat. โ€œWhy?โ€ I fling the question back at him.

He holds my gaze for a second. Two. Three. I count each one as it passes, the way I count my own staggered breaths. The silence stretches out like a stringโ€”then he sets down the half-filled plastic bag in his hand, the crushed cans and containers rattling inside, and the silence snaps. โ€œI donโ€™t

know.โ€ He clears his throat. Motions toward the sitting room. โ€œIโ€™ll . . . I should go clean up in there. I believe someone was trying to reโ€‘create the Eiffel Tower with your textbooks.โ€

I nod, once. Like I couldnโ€™t care less where he goes. โ€œOkay. Thanks.โ€

I make a conscious effort not to stare after him as he leaves. An even more concentrated effort to stay in the living room, to keep the distance between us, to not dwell too hard on our conversation. But thanks to him, thereโ€™s not much left for me to clean. Once Iโ€™ve mopped and vacuumed up

the last of the dirt and pushed the couches back to their original positions, I pause at the doorway.

Everything has already been tidied. Heโ€™s standing at my desk, his gaze drawn down to the photo in his hand. Heโ€™s so focused that he doesnโ€™t hear me walk over until Iโ€™m right behind him.

โ€œI didnโ€™t mean toโ€”โ€ He spins around. Flushes. โ€œI swear I wasnโ€™t snooping. Someone pulled out this album from the cabinet and a few of the photos fell out and . . .โ€

My eyes find the photo too, and my heart twists.

Itโ€™s an old family photo, taken ten years ago. Weโ€™re at a hot pot restaurant, the four of us squeezed around the round table, the plates spread

out in front of us. Max is little more than a kid, his hair spiky and his cheeks round. Heโ€™s wearing that basketball jersey he loved so much heโ€™d refuse to

take it off even to wash the toothpaste stains on the front. My momโ€™s dressed up in her favorite cardigan and turtleneck, her raven hair curled and styled in a way it hasnโ€™t been since that night. And my dadโ€™s gazing over at me with such pride that it hurts to inhale. We look . . . happy. It must be the worldโ€™s greatest magic show; itโ€™s so convincing, even if itโ€™s false. Made up. Make-believe. Because less than a month after the photo was taken, he had left.

โ€œIโ€™ve never seen your father before.โ€ He says it carefully, because Iโ€™m sure he knows by now. They all know, to some extent, no matter how hard weโ€™ve tried to hide it, to smooth out the visible lump in the carpet. When your dad doesnโ€™t show up to a single Fatherโ€™s Day breakfast ten years in a row, people are bound to suspect somethingโ€™s off.

โ€œHe probably doesnโ€™t look like that anymore,โ€ I say, taking the photo from him. I resist the urge to rip it into shreds. To hug it to my chest. โ€œI mean, I wouldnโ€™t really know. Maybe heโ€™s grown a beard.โ€ It was one of

those things we always laughed about.ย I prefer clean-shaven men, my mom had insisted whenever he raised the idea.ย The day you get a beard will be

the day we get a divorce.ย It used to be a running joke in the family.

Julius peers over at me, still in that careful, attentive way, like the floor is made of glass.ย You wonโ€™t understand. Iโ€™m trying to.ย โ€œIs it hard? Not having him around?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ I say instinctively. Force of habit. Iโ€™ve repeated it so many times to myself that most days I believe it. I slide the photo back into the faded album, snap it closed, but for some reason, I keep talking. โ€œI mean, I

donโ€™t . . . Maybe itโ€™s not that I miss him. But there are times whenโ€”when I wonder what itโ€™d be like if he were still here. Like when my mom and I got into a fight last summer over who had lost the phone charger and, as she

was yelling at me, I just found myself wishing . . . he was there to step in. To tell me it was okay. To comfort me and take my mom outside until weโ€™d both calmed down.

โ€œOr, as ridiculous as it sounds, when we go to my favorite restaurant. My mom and my brother both have the same tastes, you knowโ€”they hate spicy and sour foods. But my dad and I would always get this sour stir-fried chicken dish. They only make it in servings of two, so now . . . now I never order it. Because I donโ€™t have anyone to share it with.โ€

Because having one parent is enough. Until it isnโ€™t.

โ€œSo where was your brother in all of this?โ€ he asks. I blink, confused. โ€œMy brother?โ€

He nods toward the album, seemingly confused by my confusion. โ€œHeโ€™s the eldest in the family, right? Shouldnโ€™t he have . . . I donโ€™t know, stepped in?โ€

โ€œNo. No, but itโ€™s not his fault,โ€ I add quickly, catching the faint furrow between his brows.ย Of course not. Itโ€™s allย yourย fault, a cool, familiar voice whispers in my head.ย You were the one who ruined everything.ย โ€œHe took it harder than I did. I remember that he used to be pretty well-behaved, but after our dad left, he kind of just . . . gave up. He started ditching his classes and handing in his homework late and getting into trouble at school.

Honestly the only thing he still seemed interested in was basketballโ€” without that, Iโ€™m not sure if heโ€™d have gotten into college.โ€

Julius absorbs this without any outward emotion, but he hasnโ€™t looked away the entire time.

โ€œSorry,โ€ I mumble, stepping past him and shoving the album into the cabinet. I donโ€™t know whatโ€™s gotten into me, why Iโ€™m suddenly spilling out my guts toย Julius.

โ€œWhat are you apologizing for?โ€ he asks.

โ€œSorry, I didnโ€™t mean to,โ€ I say, then catch myself. A snort lurches out of me, and the ice inside my chest thaws slightly. โ€œOkay, no, actually, I take it backโ€”Iโ€™m not sorry. At all. About anything.โ€

โ€œYou certainly didnโ€™t seem sorry about kicking me.โ€

I tense, but when I look up, the corner of his mouth is curved up. Like weโ€™re sharing an inside joke. Before I can relax, he slides one foot closer,

and the air between us suddenly turns molten.

โ€œYou also didnโ€™t seem too sorry about . . .โ€ He trails off on purpose, but his eyes flicker down to my lips. Linger there, for a beat too long.

This is something else I know Iโ€™ll always remember, no matter how hard I try to scrub it from my memory, to pretend otherwise.

That I had kissed Julius Gong. That Iโ€™d kissed him, and wanted it.

The heat in the air spreads through my veins, and I twist away, searching for a distraction. From him. From this whole night. From the stuffy feeling in my chest, the crushing weight of everyoneโ€™s disapproval,

the consequences of the party. Easilyโ€”almost too easilyโ€”I find it. Thereโ€™s a bottle of beer left on the desk. Unopened. Untouched. My fingers twitch toward it.

Could I?

Itโ€™s astonishing that Iโ€™m even contemplating it. It would be impulsive, foolish, completely unlike me. But how many impulsive things have I done tonight? Would another really make any difference?

Thereโ€™s a false assumption people tend to make about me: They believe that all I care about is being the best. That the closer I am to the top, the happier I am. That if it comes down to it, a 30 percent is better than a zero; that being mediocre is at least better than beingย bad. But I swing between extremes. If I canโ€™t be the best, I would rather be the best at being the worst. If Iโ€™m going to fail, I would rather fail at it thoroughly than do a job halfway.

And if Iโ€™m going to self-destruct, then why stop at kissing the enemy?

โ€œYou donโ€™t want to drink that,โ€ Julius says, his voice slicing through my thoughts. Heโ€™s studying me, his head tilted to the side like a bird of prey. He sounds so confident. Like he knows better. Like he always knows better.

Itโ€™s infuriatingโ€”and itโ€™s exactly what helps me make up my mind.

I uncap the bottle, holding his gaze the whole time in challenge, and

take a long, deliberate swig. The liquid burns my mouth, so much stronger than Iโ€™d been prepared for. It tastes like fire. Rushes straight to my head.

I cough, spluttering, but I keep going.

The first few mouthfuls are disgusting. Bitter and biting, like medicine but heavier, with an unpleasant aftertaste. I canโ€™t believe this is what adults make a big fuss about. I canโ€™t believe people pay real money just to endure this. But then my body starts to warm up from within, and my head starts to spin. Normally I would hate it: the loss of control, the disorientation. But tonight it smooths out the sharp edges, dials down the background noise to a lovely hum, numbs the pang in my chest.

The next few mouthfuls are much easier to swallow. It still doesnโ€™t taste very good, but I kind of like the way it scorches my throat.

I drink quickly, encouraged by Juliusโ€™s muted surprise.ย That should shut him up, I think to myself. Iโ€™ve almost finished the entire bottle when I twirl it around to check the label, and realize that it isnโ€™t beer after all. Itโ€™s bourbon.

โ€œOh,โ€ I say, setting the bottle down. โ€œOh. Crap.โ€ No wonder Iโ€™m so dizzy.

It occurs to me that I should be more concerned. That this is very, very,ย veryย bad. But the panic stays on the sidelines, like a spider in a neighboring room: not so close as to necessitate a response just yet. If anything, I feel perfectly fine.

โ€œThis would be a very inconvenient time to find out youโ€™re a lightweight,โ€ Julius mutters.

I squint at him. Search his face. And maybe itโ€™s because of this new warmth, this dreamy sensationโ€”both like falling and like floatingโ€”that I find myself marveling at how well-defined his features are. Notย handsome, like the princes in fairy tales. But beautiful and cold and deadly, like the

villains weโ€™re taught to fear. โ€œIโ€™m not a lightweight,โ€ I inform him, pronouncing each word loudly and carefully, as proof. โ€œI was kind of worried just nowโ€”like, literally, a second agoโ€”that I would be drunk, but now I think . . .โ€ I close my eyes. Scan my body. Open them again. โ€œIโ€™m actually okay. I donโ€™t think itโ€™s made any noticeable difference? Wow, yeah. Itโ€™s so wild. I canโ€™t believe Iโ€™m just, like, absorbing this alcohol into my

bloodstream. It hasnโ€™t impeded my speech one bit. I could go to school like this. I couldย take a testย like this. Granted that itโ€™s in a subject Iโ€™ve studied

before.โ€

Amusement touches his mouth. โ€œRight,โ€ he says. โ€œOf course.โ€

โ€œDo you want some?โ€ I ask him, offering up the little remaining liquor to him, since itโ€™s only polite. โ€œIt doesnโ€™t taste that disgusting once you get used to it.โ€

He gently pushes the bottle back down. โ€œNo, thanks.โ€ โ€œWhat do you want, then? I can give it to you.โ€

This should be a simple enough question. Multiple choice at most. But he falters as if heโ€™s received a three-thousand-word essay prompt.

Swallows. Looks away. โ€œNothing,โ€ he says at last. โ€œI donโ€™tโ€”want anything.โ€

โ€œAre you sure? Youโ€™re, like, turning red.โ€ Maybe I shouldnโ€™t be pointing this out. A small voice in the back of my head tells me that Iโ€™m not supposed to. But why? Whyย not? Itโ€™s not like Iโ€™m lying. I shift forward, just to get a closer look. And Iโ€™m right. His neck is flushed, the color seeping through his cheeks. โ€œItโ€™s really obvious here,โ€ I say, tracing out the line of

his collarbone with one fingertip. Even his skin is unnaturally hot.

Something flashes over his face. He wets his lower lip and steps back. โ€œIs it sunburn? Oh wait, that makes no sense.โ€ I laugh at myself, laugh

like itโ€™s the funniest thing in the world. Everything strikes me as hilarious now. โ€œYou canโ€™t get sunburnt atย night. Or . . . no. Can you? Is that, like, a

possibility? Is this something that could come up in our next science quiz?โ€ I have the overwhelming urge to find out, right this second. I must know. I hate not knowing things. โ€œAlex?โ€ I call.

No response.

โ€œAlex?โ€ย I call again, louder, spinning around. โ€œHello? Are you there?โ€

Julius stares at me. โ€œIs there a random man named Alex hiding inside your house? Or did you mean Alexa?โ€

โ€œIsnโ€™t that what I just said?โ€ I demand, annoyed. โ€œAlexis?ย Alexis, can you hear me? Answer me. I really, really need to know if you can get

sunburnt after dark. This is incredibly important.โ€ โ€œAgain, itโ€™s Alexa,โ€ Julius says.

โ€œBe quiet.โ€ I clamp both my hands over his mouth. โ€œYouโ€™re prettier when you donโ€™t talk.โ€

He makes a faint, incredulous sound thatโ€™s muffled by my palm, his breath tickling my skin. His expression doesnโ€™t change much, but I can

sense his surprise, how it flickers beneath the surface. โ€œDid you just call me pretty?โ€

โ€œWhen you donโ€™t talk,โ€ I emphasize. โ€œWhich youโ€™re doing at present.โ€ โ€œSo you admit it.โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€ Iโ€™ve already lost track of our conversation. Maybe I am drunk. Or maybe my memory is declining. Thatโ€™s a terrifying thought. But then my attention shifts to the stray strand of hair tumbling over his forehead. I want to reach for him, brush it back.ย Donโ€™t do it, that same voice whispers, but it sounds more and more distant by the second. Inconsequential. So I give in to the impulse and lean forward, smoothing his hair. โ€œItโ€™s so soft. Even softer than it looks,โ€ I murmur, playing with a dark lock of it between two fingers. Heโ€™s gone very still before me, his pupils black and dilated. I can feel the air ripple with his next expelled breath, almost a pained sigh. โ€œI

always did like your hair.โ€

โ€œI thought you hated it,โ€ he says. His voice is scratchy, like heโ€™s swallowed sand.

I frown. Tug absently at the strand. โ€œDid I say that?โ€

โ€œYou did. In your email.โ€ And then with his eyes on me, without having to pause or think twice, he recites,ย โ€œFrom the bottom of my heart, I really

hope your comb breaks and you run out of whatever expensive hair

products youโ€™ve been using to make your hair appear deceptively soft when Iโ€™m sure itโ€™s not, because thereโ€™s nothing soft about you, anywhere at all.โ€

Theyโ€™re my words, but on his lips they sound different. Intimate.

Confessional. โ€œHow do you . . . remember all that?โ€ I ask.

โ€œI have all your emails memorized word for word,โ€ he says, then instantly looks like he regrets having spoken.

โ€œYou do?โ€ My mouth falls open.

โ€œNo.โ€ He scowls. โ€œNo, forget I saidโ€”โ€

โ€œYou do,โ€ I say, an accusation this time. โ€œOh my god, you totally do.โ€ I start laughing again, laughing so hard I stumble back and land on the floor and clutch at my stomach. I laugh until Iโ€™m breathless, until I canโ€™t feel any pain in my chest, until nothing else matters except this. When my mirth finally dies down, I grin up at him. โ€œWell, Julius Gong. It sounds likeย youโ€™reย the one obsessed with me.โ€

He rolls his eyes, but the skin of his neck turns a deeper shade of crimson.

โ€œCan I ask you a question, then?โ€ I say. He regards me warily. โ€œDepends.โ€

โ€œSit down first,โ€ I command, patting the floor next to me. โ€œI would prefer not toโ€”โ€

โ€œSit,โ€ย I say, grabbing his wrist and tugging him down.

โ€œThe floorโ€™s cold,โ€ he protests, though he remains sitting, his long legs sprawled out in front of him, his hands supporting his weight.

โ€œNot as cold as you,โ€ I say. My head swims, and it feels like Iโ€™m moving in slow motion when I shuffle around to face him. โ€œSo. Tell me. Why is it always me?โ€

His brows crease. โ€œWhat kind of question is that?โ€

โ€œWhy is itย me?โ€ The words come out slurred, swollen on my tongue. I wave my hands around with growing frustration. โ€œWhy do you . . . Why do you put all your energy into makingย myย life difficult? What did I ever do to you to make you . . . hate me so much? Itโ€™s been happening since the day we met each other. With dodgeball. With the spelling quiz in year six. With our history project. Withย everything. Why do you always single me out?โ€

โ€œBecause,โ€ he says quietly, a curious expression on his face. Iโ€™ve never seen him so serious. So sincere. โ€œYouโ€™re the only person worth paying attention to.โ€

And the pain comes crashing back through my chest, but itโ€™s transformed. Warm at the edges, burning hot within. I close my eyes,

swallow, unable to speak. I want him to say it again. I wish heโ€™d never said it.

โ€œAre you satisfied now?โ€ Julius asks. He sounds almost angry about it, spiteful, like heโ€™s been forced to prove a point against himself.

My eyes flutter open, and Iโ€™m alarmed by how close he is. Was he that close before? I can see the dark blue shadows under his collarbones, the

flecks of gold in his irises, the soft curve of his lips, the pulse beating at his neck.ย What if we kissed again?ย The foolish notion floats to my brain, and I canโ€™t shake it away.

But before the idea can expand into something dangerous, I hear the unmistakable rumble of a car engine. Headlights flash through the windows, briefly bathing the front entrance in bright orange light, the

silhouette of trees outlined against the glass. Then voices drift through the front yard. Maxโ€™s voice, loud no matter the hour. โ€œ. . . canโ€™t blame me forย winning, can you? Youโ€™re always telling me to learn from my sister and set higher goals for myself. Shouldnโ€™t you be glad Iโ€™m so good atโ€”โ€

โ€œAt mahjong?โ€ comes my momโ€™s shrill reply. โ€œYou think I should be proud of you? Where did you even learn to play, huh? Have you been gambling when youโ€™re supposed to be at school?โ€

โ€œNo! Bro, I swearโ€”โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not yourย bro.ย Ni bu xiang huo le shi baโ€”โ€

โ€œOkay, then, dearest mother, maybe itโ€™s just natural talent. Maybe this is my callingโ€”ย Ow, stop hitting meโ€”โ€

Oh my god.

Theyโ€™ve come back early.

โ€œCrap.โ€ I stand up too fast, and for a second the room is nothing but a blur of color. My head pounds harder.ย โ€œCrap.โ€

Julius jumps to his feet too. โ€œWhatโ€”โ€

โ€œMy parents,โ€ I babble. โ€œI meanโ€”my parent. My mom. Sheโ€™s back. She didnโ€™tโ€” She doesnโ€™t know I was throwing a party. Sheโ€™s literally going to kill me and throw my corpse into a dumpster when she finds out.โ€

โ€œI think youโ€™re misusing the wordย literalโ€”โ€

I cut him off. โ€œYou have to get out of here before she sees you.โ€ โ€œIโ€” Okay.โ€ He steps left, then right again. Hesitates.

โ€œThe back door.โ€ I sweep the bottle into the binโ€”god, I couldย slapย myself, I should never have let myself drinkโ€”and push Julius out of the room with both hands. The footsteps outside are drawing closer. The

automatic lights on the front porch switch on. I can feel my heart pounding in my throat. The metaphorical panic-spider is no longer locked in the other room; itโ€™s now scuttling up my leg, and I want to scream.

โ€œHere,โ€ I hiss at Julius, motioning toward the door. But then I see the top of Maxโ€™s spiky hair through the bushes. Heโ€™s coming in this way. I grab a fistful of Juliusโ€™s shirt and yank him back.

โ€œWhat the hell?โ€ Julius demands.

โ€œFront door,โ€ I amend, shoving him in the other direction. โ€œUse the front door instead.โ€

No sooner than Iโ€™ve spoken, the lights on the front porch flick on as well.

My stomach drops. Weโ€™re surrounded on both sides. Itโ€™s an ambush.

โ€œOkay,ย think, Sadie,โ€ I instruct myself out loud, massaging my head. โ€œStop being drunk andย think. Get it together. You donโ€™t have any time left.โ€

โ€œThis is a very fascinating look into your thought process,โ€ Julius remarks.

โ€œShush,โ€ I snap. โ€œIโ€™mย thinkingโ€”โ€ And then a solution comes to me. โ€œThe window.โ€ Itโ€™s the only way.

His eyes widen a fraction. โ€œYouโ€™re joking. Iโ€™m not climbing out your window,ย Sadie. Itโ€™s undignified.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll owe you.โ€

โ€œYou already owe me. How do you plan on returning all these favors?โ€

I ignore that and start dragging him toward the window in the laundry room. Itโ€™s wide enough to fit his whole body, and it drops down to the

narrow side path nobody ever uses. Most of it is concealed by overgrown

shrubbery. โ€œHere,โ€ I say, lifting the window for him. Faintly, through the door, I can hear the rattle of keys.ย โ€œHurry.โ€

He glares at me but complies, swinging his leg over the white-painted frame and landing softly, gracefully on the wild grass belowโ€”

Right as the front door creaks open.

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