How to Differentiate the Power of Praise from the Folly of Flattery
Kids are experts at getting what they want. Perched on Papas knee, Oh Daddy, youre so wunnerful. I know youll buy me that new doll. The next morning, with Mama in the supermarket, Oh Mommy, I love you. Youre the most bestest mommy in the world. I know youll buy me that chocolate munchie.
From the hungry infants instinctive cooing as Mommy approaches the crib to the car salesmans calculated praise as the prospect walks into the showroom, compliments come naturally to people when they want something from somebody. In fact, compliments are the most widely used and thoroughly endorsed of all getting-what-you-want techniques. When Dale Carnegie wrote Begin with praise, fifteen million readers took it to heart. Most of us still think praise is the path to extracting what we want from someone.
And yes, if its as simple as dolls from daddy and munchies from mommy, it may be. But the business world has changed
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dramatically since Dale Carnegies day. In todays world, not every smiling flatterer has the power to procure through praise.
The Malaise of Unskilled Praise
You give someone a compliment. You smile, waiting to see the warm feelings engulf the recipient. You may have to wait a long time.
If he or she has a speck of suspicion your praise is self-serving, it has the opposite effect. If your compliment is insincere or unskilled, it can wreck your chances of ever being trusted by that person again. It can abort a potential relationship before it ever gets off the runway.
However, skilled praise is a different story. When done well, it gives the relationship immediate liftoff. It can make a sale, win a new friend, or rejuvenate a marriage on a golden anniversary.
What is the difference between praise that lifts and flattery that flattens? Many factors enter the equation. They include your sincerity, timing, motivation, and wording. They also involve the recipients self-image, professional position, experience with co
pliments, and judgment of your powers of perception. Of course it entails the relationship between the two of you and how long you have known each other. If youre complimenting someone by phone, E-mail, or snail mail, it even involves subtleties such as whether youve ever seen his or face, either in person or a photograph.
Mind boggling, isnt it? Sociologists research shows: 1) a copliment from a new person is more potent than from someone you already know, 2) your compliment has more credibility when given to an unattractive person or an attractive person whose face youve never seen, 3) you are taken more seriously if you preface your comments by some self-effacing remarkbut only if your listener perceives you as higher on the totem pole. If youre lower, your
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self-effacing remark reduces your credibility. Complicated, this complimenting stuff.
Rather than dizzying ourselves with the surfeit of specific studies, lets just put some terrific techniques in our little bag of tricks. Each of the following meets all the criteria of social scietists findings. Here are nine effective ways to praise in the new millennium.
How to Compliment Someone (Without Sounding Like Youre Brownnosing)
The risk in giving a compliment face-to-face is, of course, that the distrustful recipient will assume you are indulging in shameless, obsequious pandering to achieve your own greedy goals.
Its a sad reality about compliments. If you lay a big one out of the blue on your boss, your prospect, or your sweetie, the reciient will probably think youre brownnosing. Your main squeeze will assume youre suffering guilt over something youve done. So whats the solution? Hold back your sincere esteem?
No, simply deliver it through the grapevine. The grapevine has long been a trusted means of communication. From the days when Catskills comics insisted the best ways to spread news were telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman, we have known it works. Unfortunately the grapevine is most often associated with bad news, the kind that goes in one ear and over the back fence. But the grapevine need not be laden only with scuttlebutt and sour grapes. Good news can travel through the same filament. And when it
arrives in the recipients ear, it is all the more delectable. This is not a new discovery. Back in 1732, Thomas Fuller wrote, Hes my friend that speaks well of me behind my back. Were
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more apt to trust someone who says nice things about us when we arent listening than someone who flatters us to our face.
No-Risk Praise (Do It Behind Their Back)
Instead of telling someone directly of your admiration, tell somone who is close to the person you wish to compliment. For instance, suppose you want to be in the good graces of Jane Smith. Dont directly compliment Jane. Go to her close associate Diane Doe and say, You know, Jane is a very dynamic woman. She said something so brilliant in the meeting the other day. Someday shell be running this company. I place ten-to-one odds your comment will get back to Jane via the grapevine in twenty-four hours. Diane will tell her friend, You should hear what so n so said about you the other day.
When you gave Grapevine Glory to Jane, Diane became the carrier pigeon of that compliment. Which leads us to the next technique where you become the carrier pigeon of other peoples compliments.
Technique #51 Grapevine Glory
A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, bac scratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are telling the whole world about their greatness.
HowtoBea Carrier Pigeon of Good Feelings
Carrier pigeons have a long and valiant history. The dauntless winged messengers, often maimed by shellfire and dying after delivering their messages, have saved the lives of thousands. One tenacious little bird named Cher Ami is credited with saving two hundred lives during the Battle of the Argonne in World War I. The brave one-legged little birdie, one of his wings shot through, carried a message dangling from his remaining ligament. The blood-
smeared little ball of feathers arrived just in time to warn that the Germans were about to bomb the city.
Stumpy Joe, another plucky pigeon, had such a heroic battlscarred career that his fans stuffed him, mounted him, and put him on display in the National Air Force Museum in Dayton, Ohio. And millions of other brave birds have brought joyful mesages to racing-pigeon enthusiasts around the world. In that fine tradition, I present the complimenting technique I call Carrier Pigeon Kudos.
Whenever you hear a laudatory comment about someone, dont let it end there. You dont need to write it, roll it up in a casule, strap it to your leg like Stumpy Joe, and fly it to the recipent. Nevertheless, you can remember the kudo and verbally carry it to the person who will get the most pleasurethe person who was complimented.
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Keep your ears open for good things people say about each other. If your colleague Carl says something nice about another colleague, Sam, pass it on. You know, Sam, Carl said the nicest thing about you the other day.
Your sister tells you your first cousin is a dynamite relative. Go ahead and call Cuz.
Your mother tells you she thinks Manny did a great job moing the lawn. Pass it on to him. Hey, we all like a little apprecition, even from Mom.
Heres where it benefits you. Everyone loves the bearer of glad tidings. When you bring someone third-party kudos, they apprciate you as much as the complimenter. Call it gossip if you like. This is the good kind.
Carry More Cargo than Compliments
Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a carier pigeon of news items that might interest the recipient. Call, mail, or E-mail people with information they might find interestTechnique #52
Carrier Pigeon Kudos
People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves into carrier pigeons when theres bad news. (Its called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear something complimentary about someone, fly to them with the compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff
you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind thoughts.
ing. If your friend Ned is a furniture designer in North Carolina and you see a big article in the Los Angeles Times about furniture trends, fax it to him. If your client Sally is a sculptor in Seattle and you see her work in someones home in New York, send her a note.
My friend Dan lives in San Francisco, and whenever he runs across anything in the paper on communications, he clips it and sends it to me. No note, just FYIRegards, Dan in the corner. Hes like my own private West Coast clipping service.
Try it. Think of the money youll save on greeting cards. A relevant clipping is the big winners way of saying, Im thinking of you and your interests.
How to Make Em Feel Your Admiration Just Slipped Out
Heres yet another caress for someones ego. Dont give a blatant compliment. Merely imply something magnificent about your coversation partner. Several months ago, I was visiting an old friend in Denver whom I hadnt seen in a long time. When he came to my hotel to pick me up, he said, Hello, Leil, how are you? Then he paused, looked at me, and said, Youve obviously been well. Wow, I felt terrific. He implied I looked good and that made my evening.
Guess the Good Lord decided I shouldnt have too swollen a head, however, because later that evening, after my friend dropped me off, I got into the hotel elevator. A maintenance man entered at the third floor. He smiled at me. I smiled back. He looked at me again and said, Gosh, maam, was you a model? [Oh, man, was I feeling on top of the world now!] . . . when you was young? he continued.
CRASH! Why couldnt he have zipped his lip before the zinger? I loved the implication in the first part of his comment. But the second implied I was now an old lady. Ruined my next day. Heck, his unintentional low blow ruined my week. In fact I still feel wretched about it.
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You have to be careful of unintentional bad implications. If, visiting a new city, you stop someone on the street and say, Excuse me, could you tell me if there are any fine dining restaurants nearby? you are implying the passerby is a person of taste. If, however, you ask that same passerby, Hey, know any down and dirty bars in this burg? your implication is entirely different. Find a
way to imply magnificent qualities of those you wish to indrectly compliment.
Technique #53 Implied Magnificence
Throw a few comments into your conversation that presuppose something positive about the person youre talking with. But be careful. Dont blow it like the welintentioned maintenance man. Or the southern boy who, at the prom, thought he was flattering his date when he told her, Gosh, Mary Lou, for a fat gal you dance real good.
How to Win Their Hearts by Being an Undercover Complimenter
Next in our agglomeration of joy spreaders is a technique I call Accidental Adulation. Once, at a small dinner party, the subject turned to space travel. The gentleman seated to my right said, Leil, youre much too young to remember this, but when Apollo 11 landed on the moon . . .
If my life depended on it, I couldnt tell you what the chap said next. I simply remember smiling to myself and stretching to get a glimpse of my youthful self in the dining-room mirror. Of course I remember July 1969. Like the rest of the world, I was glued to the television watching Neil Armstrongs size 9 1Ú2 B boot hit the moon. However, I certainly was not thinking of moon travel at that dinner party. I was too busy reveling in the fact that this lovely man didnt think I was old enough to remember 1969. I assumed his opinion of my youthfulness just slipped out. Ther fore it must be sincere.
Sure! Now that I think about it, he probably knew darn well I was old enough to remember the moon landing. I bet he was
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using the maneuver Accidental Adulation. But it doesnt matter. My warm memories of him remain. Accidental Adulation is sliping praise into the secondary part of your point, putting it in vebal parentheses.
Try It. Youll Like It. Theyll Love It.
Try Accidental Adulation and see smiles break out on the faces of the recipients. Tell your sixty-five-year-old uncle, Anyone as fit as you would have zipped right up those steps, but boy, was I out of breath. Tell a colleague: Because youre so knowledgeable in
contract law, you would have read between the lines, but stupidly, I signed it.
You run the danger, of course, that you will please the reciient so profoundly with your parenthetical praise, he or she wont hear your main point.
So far we have explored four covert compliments: Grapevine Glory, Carrier Pigeon Kudos, Implied Magnificence, and Accdental Adulation. There are times, of course, when blatant praise does work. The next techniques will hone your skills in this prcarious but rewarding venture.
Technique #54 Accidental Adulation
Become an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence.
Just dont try to quiz anyone later on your main point. The joyful jolt of your accidental adulation strikes them temporarily deaf to anything that follows.
How to Make Em Never Forget You with a Killer Compliment Would you like to have a little trick up your sleeve potent
enough to kick start commerce, ignite a friendship or even a love affair? Ill give you one, but only if you heed its warning label. You must register your tongue as a lethal weapon once youve mastered the following technique. Its called the Killer Compliment.
It was born one night some years ago after my then-roommate, Christine, and I had just returned home from a holiday party. As we were taking off our coats, she had a silly smile on her face and a faraway look in her eye.
Christine, are you OK? I asked. Oh yes, she purred. Im going to go out with that man. Man? What man? Oh, you know, she said, chastising me for not knowing, the
one who told me I had beautiful teeth. Teeth!
That night I happened to walk by the bathroom door as Christine was getting ready for bed. I saw her grinning at herself in the mirror, tilting her head from side to side, and brushing each individual tooth. All the while she kept her eyes glued to the miror, inspecting each one for the beauty her new admirer comented on. I realized the fellow who had given Christine the
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unusual compliment had made her dayand had made a killer impression on her. Thus the Killer Compliment came into being.
What is the Killer Compliment? It is commenting on some very personal and specific quality you spot in someone. A Killer Compliment is not I like your tie or Youre a very nice person. (The first is not personal enough and the second is not specific enough.) A Killer Compliment is more like What exquisite eyes you have, (very specific) or You have a wonderful air of honesty
about you, (very personal). Because delivering your first Killer Compliment is difficult, I
trick my seminar participants into pulling it off. About midway through the program, Ill ask them to close their eyes and think about a partner they had in an earlier exercise. Then I say, Now recall one attractive physical quality or personality trait you observed in your partner. Not one you would necessarily comment on, I caution. Perhaps your partner had a lovely smile or a twikle in her eye. Perhaps he exuded a sense of calm or credibility. Got it in your mind?
Then the thunderbolt: OK, now go find your partner and tell them the nice quality you noticed. What? Tell them? The thought paralyzes them. One by one, however, they courageously seek their partners and deliver their Killer Compliments. As peple hear a stranger tell them they have beautiful hands or pentrating brown eyes, joy fills the room. Laughter explodes in every corner. I am now looking out at a sea of smiles and happy blushes. Everyone loves receiving his or her personal Killer Compliment. And everyone develops friendly feelings toward the giver.
The Killer Compliment Users Manual
Just like a cannon, if you dont use the Killer Compliment corectly, it can backfire. Heres the users manual that comes with the mighty missile.
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Technique #55 Killer Compliment
Whenever you are talking with a stranger youd like to make part of your professional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, and unique quality he or she has.
At the end of the conversation, look the individual right in the eye. Say his or her name and proceed to curl all ten toes with the Killer Compliment.
Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipent in private. If you are standing with a group of four or five people and you praise one woman for being fit, every other woman feels like a barrel of lard. If you tell one man he has wonderful carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make the blushing recipient uncomfortable.
Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible. For example, Im tone-deaf. If Im forced to sing even a simple song like Happy Birthday, I sound like a sick pig. If anyone in earshot were foolish enough to tell me they liked my voice, Id know it was hogwash.
Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half year on each recipient. Otherwise you come across as insincere, groveling, obsequious, pandering, and a thoroughly manipulative person. Not cool.
With careful aim, the Killer Compliment captures everyone. It works best, however, when you use it judiciously on new acquaintances. If you want to praise friends every day, employ the next technique.
How to Make Em Smile with Itty-Bitty Boosters
In contrast to the big guns of Killer Compliments for strangers, and The Tombstone Game for loved ones, which we will learn shortly, heres a little peashooter you can pop off at anyone, antime. I call it Little Strokes.
Little Strokes are short, quick kudos you drop into your casual conversation. Make liberal use of Little Strokes with your coleagues in the office:
Nice job, John! Well done, Kyoto! Hey, not bad, Billy! I have one friend who uses a lovely Little Stroke. If I do something he likes, he says, Not too shabby, Leil. You can also use Little Strokes on the everyday achievements
of your loved ones. If your spouse just cooked a great meal, Wow, youre the best chef in town. Just before going out together, Gee, honey, you look great. After a long drive, You did it! It must have been tiring. With your kids, Hey, gang, great job cleaning up your room.
I once read a poignant Readers Digest article about a little girl who often misbehaved. Her mother had to continually reprimand her. However, one day, the little girl had been especially good and
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hadnt done a single thing that called for a reprimand. The mother said, That night after I tucked her in bed and started downstairs, I heard a muffled noise. Running back up, I found her head buried in the pillow. She was sobbing. Between the sobs she asked, Mommy, havent I been a pretty good girl today?
The question, the mother said, went through her like a knife. I had been quick to correct her, she said, when she was wrong. But when she tried to behave, I hadnt noticed it and I put her to bed without one word of appreciation.
Adults are all grown-up little girls and little boys. We may not go to bed sobbing if the people in our lives dont notice when we are good. Nevertheless, a trace of those tears lingers.
Little Things Mean a Lot
Little Strokes are indeed, little. But as every woman knows, they mean a lot. Ive yet to meet a woman who wouldnt agree with these lyrics from an old song sung by Kitty Kallen:
Blow me a kiss from across the room. Say I look nice when Im not. Touch my hair as you pass my chair.
Technique #56 Little Strokes
Dont make your colleagues, your friends, your loved ones look at you and silently say, Havent I been pretty good today? Let them know how much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like Nice job! Well done! Cool!
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How to Talk to Anyone
Little things mean a lot. Send me the warmth of a secret smile To show me you havent forgot. For always and ever, now and forever, Little things mean a lot.
To further complicate the art of the compliment, one must consider timing. Blatant, barefaced, brazen flattery turns all but the blindest egomaniacs off. But the human animal never fails to amaze observers. There are moments when, if you dont give a bltant, barefaced, brazen complimenteven to a bright indiviualyou lose. The following technique defines those moments.
How to Praise with Perfect Timing
Ill never forget the first time I gave a luncheon speech in front of strangers. Id practiced for the stuffed animals on my bed and my roommate, Christine, but this was my debut in front of a real audience.
As I shakily got to my feet, I looked out at seventeen smiling Rotarians waiting for my words of wit and wisdom. My tongue was dry as chalk dust, my palms as wet as a fish. The audience might as well have been seventeen thousand judges waiting to setence me to eternal humiliation if I didnt inform and entertain each. I gave a last panic-stricken glance at Christine, who had driven me to the club, and began, Good afternoon. It gives me great pleasure . . .
Thirty minutes later, amidst scattered applause which I feared was obligatory, I crawled back to my seat next to Christine. I looked expectantly at her. She smiled and said, You know this dessert isnt bad. Have some.
Dessert? Dessert! Dammit, Christine, how did I do? I silently screamed at her. A few minutes later Christine told me how much she and, she assumed, everyone else enjoyed my talk. Neertheless, by then it was too late. The crucial compliment-craving moment had passed.
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Quick as a Hiccup, You Must Compliment NOW
When the doctor sadistically smacks your knee with that nasty litle rubber hammer, you instantly give a knee jerk. And when peple make a coup, you must instantly hit them with a knee-jerk Wow, you were great!
Say theyve just successfully negotiated a deal, cooked a terific Thanksgiving turkey, or sung a solo song at the birthday party. No matter whether their accomplishment is trivial or triumphant, you must praise it immediatelynot ten minutes later, not two minutes laterimmediately. The moment the winner walks out of the boardroom, the kitchen, the spotlight, the victor wants to hear only one sound: WOW!
But What If They Really Bombed?
Are you asking me to lie? you ask. Yes. Absolutely, positively, resoundingly, YES. This is one of the few moments in life where a lie is condoned by the most ethical individuals. Big winners reaize that sensitivity to an insecure performers ego takes mometary precedence over their deep commitment to the truth. They
Technique #57
The Knee-Jerk Wow!
Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment they a finish a feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction say, You were terrific!
Dont worry that they wont believe you. The euphoria of the moment has a strangely numbing effect on the achievers objective judgment.
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also know, when sanity returns to the recipient and they suspect they screwed up, it wont matter. He or she will retroactively apprciate your sensitivity and forgive your compassionate falsehood.
Weve talked a lot about giving compliments, both covert and overt. Now lets talk about a skill that, for many, is even harder receiving them.
How to Make Em Want to Compliment You
We have a national weakness: we dont know how to receive a compliment! In fact, I would like to dedicate the following tecnique to my French friends who contend the French are better at everything. Well, I concede one point. The French are, indeed, better at receiving compliments. Ill explain how shortly.
Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation. If someone compliments you and you react clumsily out of embarassment, you unwittingly start a vicious cycle. A friend ventures a compliment:
He: (smiling) Hey, thats a nice dress youre wearing. She: (frowning) Oh, this old thing? He: (thinking) Whoops, she didnt seem to like hearing that.
She thinks I have terrible taste to like that dress. Id better keep my mouth shut.
Three weeks later . . .
She: (thinking grumpily) He doesnt ever give me complments anymore. What a boor!
He: (thinking gloomily) Whats her problem? 220
How to Make Em Want to Compliment You 221 Girls Dont Like What?
Several months ago in one of my seminars, the group was dicussing compliments. One fellow insisted that girls dont like compliments.
Girls dont like what? I asked incredulously.
He explained, I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes. And she said, Boy, are you blind. The poor chap was so wounded by her reaction, he became gun-shy and had not aimed a compliment at a
female since. What a shame for womankind and what a blight on his social skills.
Upon receiving a compliment, many people demur or proffer an embarrassed little Thank you. Worse, they protest, Well, not really, but thanks anyway. Some people toss it off with, just luck. When you react this way, you visit a grave injustice on the coplimenter. You insult a well-meaning persons powers of perception.
Vous ætes Gentil
Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall phrase. Upon receiving a compliment, they say, Vous ❹tes gentil. Loosely translated, that is How kind of you.
An American saying How kind of you could sound stilted like the little flower girl in My Fair Lady trying to be cultured. Nevertheless, we Yanks can express the French gentil sentiment with a technique I call Boomeranging.
When you toss a boomerang, it makes an almost 180-degree swerve in midair and soars back to land at the feet of the thrower. Likewise, when someone tosses a compliment your way, let the good feelings soar back to the tosser. Dont just say Thanks. (Or worse, Oh its nothing.) Let them know of your gratitude and find a way to compliment them for their compliment. A few examples:
She says, I like those shoes. You say, Oh Im so happy you told me. I just got them.
He says, You really did a good job on this project. You say, Oh, thats so nice of you to tell me. I appreciate your positive feedback.
You can also Boomerang the good feelings back when people ask you a question about your family, a project, an event, or anthing that shows they are interested in you.
Your colleague asks, How was your vacation in Hawaii? You answer, Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great, thanks.
Your boss asks, Are you over your cold now? You answer, I appreciate your concern. I feel much better now.
Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the form of a compliment or concerned question, reflect it back on the shiner.
Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favor by setting malekind straight on compliments once and for all. I asked the fellow who swore women hated praise to give three women sitting near him a sincere compliment. He chose the woman with the beautiful silver hair sitting behind him, the girl
Technique #58 Boomeranging
Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let compliments boomerang right back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmur something that expresses Thats very kind of you.
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with the hands like a pianist to his left, and the lady with the lovely deep-blue eyes on his right. He told them all.
Three women waltzed out of the room that night feeling a litle better about themselves than when they walked in. And, I hope, for all the women he would yet meet in his life, one man left with a changed attitude about compliments.
As we come to the end of our exploration of praise, I want to make sure youre aiming dead center for peoples hearts. Whether youre giving little Carrier Pigeon Kudos or laying a Killer Copliment on your conversation partner, this next technique keeps you on target.
How to Make a Loved One Feel You Are THE Partner for Life Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times
Mommys and Daddys friends asked, And what do you want to be when you grow up? That was our cue to regale our adoring audience with dreams of being a ballerina, a firefighter, a nurse, a cowboy, or a movie star. Well, most of our lives wound up being a little closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Neverthless, we all still have fantasies of our own greatness.
Even though most of us cashed in our childhood dreams of being the star we thought wed be (so we could make some money), we all know that deep down we are very, very, very sp cial. We say to ourselves, Maybe the world will little note nor long remember how brilliant, how wonderful, how witty, how creative or caring I really am. However, those who truly know and love methey will recognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness over all other ordinary mortals. When we find people with the supernatural powers of perception to recognize our remarkablness, we become addicted to the heady drug of their appreciation.
Praising someone you know and love requires a different set of skills from complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring someone even closer to you personally or professionally follows. I call it The Tombstone Game. It requires a little setup.
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Step One:
During a calm moment with your friend, loved one, or business partner, casually mention that you recently read about tombstones! You explain that the article discussed what people wish to have inscribed on their graves. You discovered that individuals want the qualities they’re most proud of in life carved in stone. The variety is fascinating—everyone has a unique self-image and source of pride. For instance:
- Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist.
- Here lies Diane Smith. She was a caring woman.
- Here lies Billy Bucks. He could always make people laugh.
- Here lies Jane Wilson. She spread joy wherever she went.
- Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way.
Step Two:
Next, share what you would like on your own tombstone. Be sincere to encourage your partner to open up as well.
Step Three:
Then, ask the question: “So, Joe, when it’s all said and done, what are you most proud of? What do you hope the world remembers about you? What would you want on your tombstone?”
If Joe replies, “I’d like people to know that I’m a man of my word,” listen closely. Pay attention to every detail, and keep it close to your heart without bringing it up again. Joe will likely forget about the Tombstone Game.
Step Four:
After a few weeks, when you want to strengthen your relationship, use the insight you gained to compliment him. Say something like, “Joe, the reason I truly value our partnership is that you’re a man of your word.”
WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. Finally, he says to himself, someone who appreciates me for who I really am. Telling him you admire him for the same reason he admires
himself has an impact on Joe like no other compliment in the world.
Now, suppose your friend is Billy Bucks, the one who wanted his wit carved on his tombstone. Youd say, Billy, ol buddy, youre terrific. I loves ya cause you can really make people laugh.
I Love You Because . . . (You Fill in the Blank)
Suppose your significant other is Jane Wilson in the preceding example. Tell your beloved, Jane, I love you because you spread joy wherever you go.
Suppose your life partner is Harry Jones. You take his hand and say, Harry, I love you because you live life your way. BLAM! You have found that tender spot where the heart and the ego blend.
Technique #59
The Tombstone Game
Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but dont mention it again. Then, when the moment is right to say I appreciate you or I love you, fill the blanks with the very words they gave you weeks earlier.
You take peoples breath away when you feed their deepest self- image to them in a compliment. At last, they say to themselves, someone who loves me for who I truly am.
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The Tombstone Game compliments are not interchangeable. Billy Bucks might not appreciate your calling him a man of his word; Billys thing is humor. Jane might not value your thinking she lives life her way. Her source of pride is spreading joy wheever she goes.
Its wonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them. When it matches what they appreciate or love about themselves, the effect is overpowering.
