How to Sound Like Youre Peas in a Pod Why, Were Just Alike!
If you squint your eyes and look up carefully at a flight of birds, youll see finches flying with finches, swallows soaring with swalows, and yellow birds winging it with yellow birds. The avian apartheid escalates. Youll never see a barn swallow with a bank swallow, or even a yellow bird hanging out with a yellow finch. Somebody said it shorter: Birds of a feather flock together.
Happily, humans are smarter than birds. In one respect, at least: we have brains capable of overcoming bias. Really smart human beings work together, play together, and break bread together. Does that mean their comfort level is high? Well, that depends on the human being. Our purpose here is not to exaine the absurdity of apartheid. It is to leave no stone unturned in making sure people are completely comfortable doing business or pleasure with you.
It has been proven beyond a doubt, people are most recetive to those they feel have the same values in life. In one study,
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individuals were first given a personality and beliefs test.They were then paired off with a partner and told to go spend time together. Before meeting, half the couples were told they were very similar in beliefs to their partner. The other half were told they were dissimilar. Neither statement was true.
However, when quizzed afterward on how much they liked each other, partners who believed they were similar liked each other a lot more than the couples who thought themselves to be dissimilar, demonstrating we have a predisposition toward people we believe are just like us. We are most comfortable giving our business and friendship to those we feel share our values and beliefs in life. To that end I offer six techniques to create senstions of similarity with everyone you wish.
Along with making more profound rapport with customers, friends, and associates, using the following techniques develops a deeper understanding and empathy with people of all races and backgrounds. It also opens doors that might otherwise be closed to you.
How to Make Them Feel Youre of the Same Class
Just like the finch flaps its wings faster than the gliding eagle, peple of different backgrounds move differently. For example, Weserners used to the wide-open plains stand farther from each other. Easterners, systematically sardined into subways and crowded busses, stand closer. Asian Americans make modest movements. Italian Americans make massive ones.
At teatime, the finishing-school set genuflects and gracefully lowers derrieres onto the sofa. When the ladies reach for a cup, they hold the saucer in one hand and the cup in the other, pinkie ever so slightly extended. Folks who never finished any manners school make a fanny dive in the middle of the sofa and clutch the cup with both hands.
Is one right? Is the other wrong? No. However, top commnicators know when doing business with a derriere-dipping pinkie extender or a fanny-plopping, two-fisted mug grabber, they darn well should do the same. People feel comfortable around people who move just like they do.
I have a friend who travels the country giving an outrageous seminar called How to Marry the Rich. Genie was once in a Las Vegas casino when a television reporter asked if she could tell the real rich from the great pretenders.
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Of course, Genie answered.
All right, challenged the reporter. Who is the wealthiest man in this room? Convened at the next table were three men in tailored suits (Hayward of Mayfair, London, no doubt), hanmade shirts (Charvet of Place Vend™me in Paris, no doubt), and sipping scotch (single-malt Laphroaig from the Scottish island of Islay, no doubt). The reporter, naturally, assumed Genie would choose one of these likely candidates.
Instead, with the scrutiny of a hunting dog, Genies eyes scanned the room. Like a trained basset hound, she instinctively pointed a long red fingernail at a fellow in torn jeans at a corner table. She murmured, Hes very rich.
Flabbergasted, the reporter asked Genie, How can you tell?
He moves like old money, she said. You see, Genie went on to explain, theres moving like old money. Theres moving like new money. And theres moving like no money. Genie could tell the unlikely chap in the corner was obviously sitting on big assets and all because of the way he moved.
Technique #44 Be a Copyclass
Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid? Old? Young? Classy? Trashy?
Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover? Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of movement. That makes your conversation partner subliminally real comfy with you.
How to Make Them Feel Youre of the Same Class 175 Theyre Buying You, Too
If youre in sales, copy not only your customers class but the class of your product as well. I live in a section of New York City called Soho, which is a few blocks above the famous-for-being- trashy Canal Street. Often, clutching my purse tightly and dodging the crowds on Canal Street, Ill pass a pickpocket-turned-salesmafor- the-day. He furtively looks around and flashes a greasy hankerchief at me with a piece of jewelry on it. Psst, wanna buy a gold chain? His nervous thiefs demeanor alone could get him arrested.
Now, about sixty blocks uptown, youll find the fashionable and very expensive Tiffanys jewelry store. Occasionally, clutching my fantasies of being able to afford something therein, I stroll through the huge gilt doors. Imagine one of the impeccably dressed sales professionals behind the beveled glass counters furtively looking around and saying to me, Psst, wanna buy a diamond?
No sale!
Match your personality to your product. Selling handmade suits? A little decorum please. Selling jeans? A little cool, please. Selling sweat suits? A little sporty, please. And so on for whatever youre selling. Remember, you are your customers buying experence. Therefore you are part of the product theyre buying.
How to Make Them Feel That Youre Like Family
Have you ever been gabbing with a new acquaintance and, after a few moments, youve said to yourself, This person and I think alike! Were on the same wavelength. Its a fabulous feeling, almost like falling in love.
Lovers call it chemistry. New friends talk of instant raport, and businesspeople say a meeting of minds. Yet its the same magic, that sudden sense of warmth and closeness, that strange sensation of Wow, we were old friends at once!
When we were children, making friends was easier. Most of the kids we met grew up in the same town and so they were on our wavelength. Then the years went by. We grew older. We moved away. Our backgrounds, our experiences, our goals, our lifestyles became diverse. Thus, we fell off each others wavelengths.
Wouldnt it be great to have a magic surfboard to help you hop right back on everybodys wavelength whenever you wanted? Here it is, a linguistic device that gets you riding on high rapport with everyone you meet. If you stand on a mountain cliff and shout hello-oh across the valley, your identical hello-oh thuders back at you. I call the technique Echoing because, like the mountain, you echo your conversation partners precise words.
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How to Make Them Feel That Youre Like Family 177 It All Started Across the Ocean
In many European countries, youll hear five, ten, or more laguages within the language. For example, in Italy, the Sicilians from the south speak a dialect that seems like gobbledygook to northern Italians. In an Italian restaurant, I once overheard a diner discover his waiter was also from Udine, a town in northeastern Italy where they speak the Friulano dialect. The diner stood up and hugged the waiter like he was a long-lost brother. They started babbling in a tongue that left the other Italian waiters shrugging.
In America we have dialects, too. We just arent conscious of them. In fact we have thousands of different words, depending on our region, our job, our interests, and our upbringing. Once, when traveling across the country, I tried to order a soda like a Coke or 7- Up in a highway diner. It took some explaining before the wairess understood I wanted what she called a pop. Perhaps because the English-speaking world is so large, Americans have a wider choice of words for the same old stuff than any language Ive encountered.
Family members find themselves speaking alike. Friends use the same words, and associates in a company or members in a club talk alike. Everyone you meet will have his or her own language that subliminally distinguishes them from outsiders. The words are all English, but they vary from area to area, industry to indutry, and even family to family.
The Linguistic Device That Says Were on the Same Wavelength When you want to give someone the subliminal feeling youre just alike, use their words, not yours. Suppose you are selling a car
to a young mother who tells you she is concerned about safety because she has a young toddler. When explaining the safety features of the car, use her word. Dont use whatever word you call your kids. Dont even say child-protection lock, which was in your sales manual. Tell your prospect, No toddler can open the widow because of the drivers control device. Even call it a toddle protection lock. When Mom hears toddler coming from your lips, she feels you are family because thats how all her relatives refer to her little tyke. Suppose your prospect had said kid or infant. Fine, echo any word she used. (Well, almost any word. If shed said my brat, you might want to pass on Echoing this time.)
Echoing at Parties
Lets say you are at a party. Its a huge bash with many different types of people. You are first chatting with a lawyer who tells you her profession is often maligned. When it comes your turn to speak, say profession too. If you say job, it puts a subconscious barrier between you.
Next you meet a construction worker who starts talking about his job. Now youre in trouble if you say, Well, in my profession . . . hed think you were being hoity-toity.
After the lawyer and the construction worker, you talk to seeral freelancersfirst a model, then a professional speaker, finally a pop musician. All three of these folks will use different words for their work. The model brags about her bookings. The professional speaker might say bookings, but he is more apt to boast of his speaing engagements. A pop musician might say, Yeah, man, I get a lot of gigs. Its tough to memorize what they all call their work. Just keep your ears open and echo their word after they say it.
Echoing goes beyond job names. For example if you are chating with a boat owner and you call his boat an it, he labels you a real landlubber. (He reverently refers to his beloved boat, of course, as a she.) If you listen carefully, you hear language sutleties you never dreamed existed. Would you believe using the wrong synonym for a seemingly uncomplicated word like have
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labels you a know-nothing in somebody elses world? For exaple, cat lovers purr about having cats. But horse people would say owning horses. And fish folk dont own fish. They talk about keeing fish. Hey, no big deal. But if you use the wrong word, your
conversation partner will assume, correctly, that you are a stranger in his or her hobbyland.
The Peril of Not Echoing
Sometimes you lose out by not Echoing. My friend Phil and I were talking with several guests at a party. One woman proudly told the group about the wonderful new ski chalet she had just puchased. She was looking forward to inviting her friends up to her little chalet in the mountains.
Thats wonderful, said Phil, secretly hoping for an invittion. Where exactly is your cabin? KERPLUNK! There went Phils chances for an invitation to the ladys chalet.
I couldnt resist. After the conversation, I whispered to my friend, Phil, why did you insult that woman by calling her chalet a cabin? Phil scratched his head and said, What do you mean insult her? Cabin is a beautiful word. My family has a cabin in Cape Cod and I grew up loving the word, the associations, the joy of a cabin. (In other words, the connotations of cabin.) Well, fine, Phil. The word cabin may be beautiful to you, but obviously the skier preferred the word chalet.
Professional Echoing
In todays sales environment, customers expect salespeople to be problem solvers, not just vendors. They feel you dont grasp their industrys problems if you dont speak their language.
I have a friend, Penny, who sells office furniture. People in publishing, advertising, broadcasting, and a few lawyers are among her clients. Pennys sales manual says office furniture. However, she told me, if she used the word office with all of her clients, theyd
assume she knew nothing about their respective industries.
She told me her client, the purchasing officer in advertising, talks about his advertising agency. Pennys publishing client says publishing house. The lawyers talk about furniture for their firm, and her radio clients use the word station instead of office. Hey, Penny says, its their salt mine. They can call it whatever the heck they please. And, she added, if I want to make the sale, Id beter call it the same thing.
Echoing Is Politically Correct Insurance
Heres a quiz: Youre talking with a pharmacist and you ask her, How long have you worked at the drugstore? Whats wrong with that question?
Give up? Its the word drugstore. Pharmacists abhor the word because it conjures up many industry problems. Theyre used to hearing it from outsiders, but its a tip-off that they are unaware of, or insensitive to, their professional problems. They prefer pharmacy.
Technique #45 Echoing
Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speakers arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectivesand echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes, their interests, their experiences.
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Recently, at a reception, I introduced one of my friends, Susan, as a day-care worker. Afterward Susan begged, Leil, pueeze do not call me a day-care worker. Were child-care workers. Whoops! Time and recent history quickly make certain terms archaic.
A groups intense preference for one word is not arbitrary. Cetain jobs, minorities, and special-interest groups often have a hitory the public is not sensitive to. When that history has too much pain attached to it, people invent another word that doesnt have bitter connotations.
I have a dear friend, Leslie, who is in a wheelchair. She says whenever anyone says the word handicapped, she cringes. Leslie says it makes her feel less than whole. We prefer you say person with a disability. She then gave a moving explanation. We peple with disabilities are the same as every other able-bodied peson. We say AB, she added. ABs go through life with all the same baggage we do. We just carry one extra piece, a disability.
Its simple. Its effective. To show respect and make people feel close to you, Echo their words. It makes you a more sensitive comunicatorand keeps you out of trouble every time.
How to Really Make It Clear to Them
I recently had to make a presentation to fifteen men in a corprate meeting. OK, I said to myself as I stood up, fifteen Matians and one Venusian. No problem! Id read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Id explored neurological differences in mens and womens brains. I knew all about gender-specific bodlanguage signals. Hey, I teach communications differences. I was well
prepared to talk to these men, get my point across, and fend any questions.
Everything started out fine. Id conceived my presentation clearly and concisely, developed each theme, and presented it flalessly. Then, I sat down and confidently invited questions and open discussion.
Thats when it fell apart. All I remember is a horrifying barage of questions couched in football analogies.
Do you think we dropped the ball on that one? one man asked. Yeah, another responded. But can we make a fumble recovery?
Those two I understood. However, when it got to pass coerage and intentional grounding, I started to lose it. When one
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How to Really Make It Clear to Them 183
guy raved about a Hail Mary pass being needed to save the deal, I suffered the ultimate humiliation. I had to ask, Uh, what does that mean? The guys looked at each other knowingly and then smiled condescendingly as they explained it to me.
That night I had sadistic fantasies of fifteen women running the company and one man left scratching his head as we bandied about childbirth analogies.
We wont get his new proposal til the third trimester, reports the account exec.
Yeah, but thats six months away. Lets get it by C-section, responds the comptroller.
Why bother? asks the marketing VP. All his ideas are deveoped in vitro anyway.
Im about to go into postpartum depression, murmurs the CEO. The lone male employee is left as confused and humiliated as I was in the face of football analogies.
Ahem, the aim of this book is not to feed fiendish fantasies, but to improve communications. To that end, I offer the folloing technique based on analogies, not just football analogies. Because old-boy analogies are unsportsman-like conduct with the girls.
On-Target Analogies Hit Bulls-Eye
Analogies can be an effective communications toolif you evoke images from the life of the person you are talking to. Men dont use football analogies to obfuscate matters or to confuse women but to clarify situations for each other. Analogies from the sport bring
situations to life for men because generally they watch more football than women.
Moving on to other sports analogies: everyone knows what the speaker means when he or she hears, Well never strike out
with this solution. Nevertheless, the image would be more copelling to a baseball fan as would analogies like caught on the fly, hitting the dirt, or throwing a spit ball.
Youve heard people say, This solution is right on target. We all understand it. But the phrasing would be more dramatic for archery enthusiasts. If your listener were a bowler, speaking of gutter balls or big splits would bring whatever you were dicussing to life. If your business buddies were basketball fans, analogies like hook shot or air ball would land right in their basket. If your client wrestles, saying feints and scissor holds would be the way to grab him.
These analogies might sound far-fetched to you. But they are potent communications tools when they evoke your conversation partners world. Why not use the most powerful terms possible to get your point across and make the sale? I call the technique Potent Imaging.
Technique #46 Potent Imaging
Does your customer have a garden? Talk about sowing the seeds for success. Does your boss own a boat? Tell him or her about a concept that will hold water or stay afloat. Maybe he is a private pilot? Talk about a concept really taking off. She plays tennis? Tell her it really hits the sweet spot.
Evoke your listeners interests or lifestyle and weave images around it. To give your points more power and punch, use analogies from your listeners world, not your own. Potent Imaging also tells your listeners you think like them and hints you share their interests.
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Pardon me while I return momentarily to my sadistic fantasies of the hopelessly confused lone male employee. The all-female management team is now arguing the corporate strategy using, not football of course, but ballet analogies.
I say lets do the corporate takeover allegro, she suggests.
Nah, you gotta go adagio in these matters, her colleague responds.
But what if they do a tour jetŽ while were poised in fifth? Cmon did you ever see a good pas seul from their president? The top woman settles it. I say lets just give him a little
rŽvŽrence, and then a grand battement in the balls.
How to Make Them Feel You Empathize (Without Just Saying Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah)
While listening to someone talk, we often vocalize uh huh or purr throaty little umm sounds to reassure the speaker we have heard their words. In fact, with some its such a habit, the noises escape their throats unconsciously. My friend Phil is a consumate, constant, and incontinent ummer whenever Im talking. Occasionally, if Im feeling contentious after hes given one of his agreeable umms in response to something Ive said, I challenge him with, OK, Phil, what did I say?
Uh, well, gosh . . . Phil has no idea. Its not his fault. Hes male. Men are especially guilty of the not-really-listening umm habit. Once, when I was on a monologue about nothing in paticular, Phil was on a real umm roll. To test his listening skills, I slipped in, Yes, this afternoon I think Ill go out and get tattooed all over my body.
Phil nodded his habitual uh huh.
Well, umming is better than a blank stare. However, its not the choice of top communicators. Try replacing your umms with full- blown empathizers.
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How to Make Them Feel You Empathize 187 What Are Empathizers?
Empathizers are simple, short, supportive statements. Unlike uh huh, they are complete sentences such as I can appreciate you decided to do that, or That really is exciting. Empathizers can be one-sentence positive critiques like Yes, that was the honoable thing to do, or Its charming you felt that way.
When you respond with complete sentences instead of the usual grunts, not only do you come across as more articulate, but your listener feels that you really understand.
Of course, you pay a price. To use the right empathizers, you do need to listen.
Now lets fine-tune this technique and explore advanced empathizing.
Technique #47 Employ Empathizers
Dont be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like I see what you mean. Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like Thats a lovely thing to say. Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue.
How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do
About ten years ago, I had a roommate named Brenda. Brenda was a tap dance teacher who didnt just tap dance to make a liing. She lived to tap. Posters of Bill Bojangles Robinson and Charles Honi Coles plastered her walls. She didnt walk around the house. She tapped her way from room to room. It was noisy, but at least, when a phone call came for Brenda, I never had troble finding her.
Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said, From the moment I first opened my ears. Her ears? I thought, thats strange. Most people say from the moment I opened my eyes. At that moment, I realized Brenda saw the world more through her ears than her eyes.
We all perceive the world through five senses. We see the world. We hear the world. We feel the world. We smell the world. And we taste the world. Therefore, we talk in terms of those five senses. Proponents of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) tell us, for each person, one sense is stronger than others. For Brenda, it was her hearing.
Brenda told me she grew up in a dark apartment below street level in New York City. She remembers, as an infant, hearing the pitter-patter of feet walking just above her crib on the sidewalk.
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How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do 189
As a toddler, her tiny ears were bombarded with honking horns, shrieking sirens, and tire chains slapping the icy streets. She espcially remembers the clumpety-clomp of police horses hoofs on the pavement outside her window. Her first perceptions of the ouside world came to her through her ears. To this day, sound doinates her life. Brenda, the tap dancer, is an auditory person.
Since neurolinguists suggest invoking our listeners strongest sense, I tried a few auditory references on Brenda. Rather than saying, That looks good to me, Id say That sounds good. Instead of
saying, I see what you mean, Id say, I hear you. When I used these auditory references, I felt she paid more attention.
So I started listening very carefully to all my friends to dicover which was their primary perception. Sometimes Id hear visual references like
I see what you mean. That looks good to me. I cant picture myself doing that. I take a dim view of that idea. From my perspective . . .
Wow, I thought I was really on to something! A Wrinkle Develops
But then, whoops, at other times, Id hear that same friend say Yeah, I hear you. Sure, that sounds good to me. I kept saying to
myself it would work.
That has a negative ring to it. He really tuned out on the whole idea. Something tells me . . .
This wasnt going to be quite as easy as Id expected. However, I wasnt ready to give up.
Once, Brenda and I went skiing with several friends. That night we were at a party. One of our friends was telling a group of people, The ski slopes were beautiful. Everything was so crytal clear and white.
A visual person? I asked myself.
Another skier added, The feel of the fresh snow on our faces was terrific.
Aha, a kinesthetic person, I mused silently.
Sure enough, just then, Brenda said, Today was so silent. The only sound you could hear was the wind in your ears as you came swooshing down the slopes. That little riff convinced me there was something to it.
However, I still found it difficult to discern ones primary sense. A Simple Solution
Heres what Ive found does work, and it doesnt take too much detective work on your part. I call the technique Anatomically Correct Empathizers, and its easy to master. Unless it is obvious the person you are speaking with is primarily visual, auditory, or kinesthetic, simply respond in his or her mode of the moment. Match your empathizers to the current sense someone is talking through. For example, suppose a business colleague describing a financial plan says, With this plan, we can see our way clear in six months. Since this time shes using primarily visual references,
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say I see what you mean or You really have a clear picture of that situation.
If, instead, your colleague had said, This plan has a good ring to it, youd substitute auditory empathizers like It does sound great, or I hear you.
A third possibility. Suppose she had said, I have a gut feeling this plan will work. Now you give her a kinesthetic empathizer like I can understand how you feel, or You have a good grasp of that problem.
What about the other two senses, taste and smell? Well, Ive never run up against any gustatory or olfactory types. But you could always compliment a chef by saying, Thats a delicious idea. And if you are talking to your dog (olfactory, of course), tell him The whole idea stinks.
The next technique helps create affinity with a single word. Technique #48
Anatomically Correct Empathizers
What part of their anatomy are your associates talking through?
Their eyes? Their ears? Their gut?
For visual people, use visual empathizers to make them think you see the world the way they do. For auditory folks, use auditory empathizers to make them think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic types, use kinesthetic empathizers to make them think you feel the same way they do.
How to Make Em Think We (Instead of You vs.Me)
By just eavesdropping for a few moments on any two people chating, you could tell a lot about their relationship. You could tell if they were new acquaintances or old friends. You could tell whether a man and a woman were strangers or a couple.
You wouldnt even need to hear friends call each other pal, buddy, or mate. You wouldnt need to hear a man and a woman whisper dear, sweetheart, or turtle dove. It wouldnt matter what they were discussing or even their tone of voice. You could even be blindfolded and tell a lot about their relationship because the technique Im about to share has nothing to do with body language.
How? A fascinating progression of conversation unfolds as people become closer. Heres how it develops:
Level One: ClichŽs
Two strangers talking together primarily toss clichŽs back and forth. For instance, when chatting about the universally agreeupon worlds dullest subjectthe weatherone stranger might say to the other, Beautiful sunny weather weve been having. Or, Boy, some rain, huh? Thats level one, clichŽs.
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How to Make Em Think We (Instead of You vs. Me) 193 Level Two: Facts
People who know each other but are just acquaintances often dicuss facts. You know, Joe, weve had twice as many sunny days this year to date as last. Or, Yeah, well, we finally decided to put in a swimming pool to beat the heat.
Level Three: Feelings and Personal Questions
When people become friends, they often express their feelings to each other, even on subjects as dull as the weather. George, I just love these sunny days. They also ask each other personal quetions: How about you, Betty? Are you a sun person?
Level Four: We Statements
Now we progress to the highest level of intimacy. This level is richer than facts and creates more rapport than feelings. Its we and us statements. Friends discussing the weather might say, If we keep having this good weather, itll be a great summer. Lovers might say, I hope this good weather keeps up for us so we can go swimming on our trip.
A technique to achieve the ultimate verbal intimacy grows out of this phenomenon. Simply use the word we prematurely. You can use it to make a client, a prospect, a stranger feel you are already friends. Use it to make a potential romantic partner feel the two of you are already an item. I call it the Premature We. In casual conversation, simply cut through levels one and two. Jump straight to three and four.
Ask your prospects feelings on something the way you would query a friend. (George, how do you feel about the new govenor?) Then use the pronoun we when discussing anything that might affect the two of you. (Do you think were going to prosper during his administration?) Make it a point to concoct we sentences, the kind people instinctively reserve for friends, lovers, and other intimates. (I think well survive while the governors in office.)
The word we fosters togetherness. It makes the listener feel connected. It gives a subliminal feeling of you and me against the
cold, cold world. When you prematurely say we or us, even to strangers, it subconsciously brings them closer. It subliminally hints you are already friends. At a party, you might say to someone standing behind you at the buffet line, Hey, this looks great. They really laid out a nice spread for us. Or, Uh-oh, were going to get fat if we let ourselves enjoy all of this.
Well, we have just explored how to copy our conversation partners movements with Be a Copyclass, echo their words, evoke Potent Images from their world, create a bond through their prmary sense with Anatomically Correct Empathizers, and establish subliminal friendship with words like we.
What else do friends, lovers, and close associates have in comon? A history. The final technique in this section is a device to give a fairly new acquaintance the warm and fuzzy feeling the two of you have been together for a long, long time.
Technique #49 The Premature We
Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if youve met just moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four. Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our.
How to Create a Friendly Private Joke with Them
Lovers whisper phrases in each others ears that mean nothing to anyone but themselves. Friends crack up over a few words that sound like gobbledygook to anyone overhearing them. Close busness associates chuckle about shared experiences.
One company Ive worked with has seen reengineering, empowerment, TQM, and team building come and go in one decade. At company parties, the employees never fail to crack up over the time when the whole companymanagers to mail-room clerksscrambled up a twenty-nine-foot pole together all in the name of team building. The CEO slipped down the pole and broke his big toe. At the next weekly meeting, the CEO shook his crutch and caustically announced, No more team exercises! Thus, the death of team buildingand the birth of a private joke.
Out of shared experiences like this, a company culture grows. These employees have a history and a language to go with it. To this day, whenever they want to put an abrupt end to any idea, they say, Lets shake a crutch at it or Lets slide that one down the flagpole.
They all smile. Nobody knows what they mean except fellow employees.
The playwright Neil Simon, sometimes with a single word, can make an entire Broadway audience understand two perform195
ers onstage are either married or longtime friends. The actor siply says something to the actress that makes no sense to the audence. Then both of them laugh uproariously. Everybody gets the message: these two people are an item.
Every time my friend Daryl and I meet, we dont say Hello. We say Quack. Why? We met at a party five years ago and, in our first conversation, Daryl told me he grew up on a duck farm. When I told him Id never seen a duck farm, he performed the best human imitation of a duck Id ever seen. He flipped his head side to side looking at me first out of one eye, then the other, all the while flapping his arms and quacking. I got such a laugh out of his performance that it inspired him to do a full flat-footed duck waddle for me. It was contagious. Together we waddled around the room flapping and quacking. We made absolute fools of ouselves that evening.
The next day, my phone rang. I picked up the receiver to hear, not Hello, this is Daryl, but simply, Quack. Im sure thats
Technique #50 Instant History
When you meet a stranger youd like to make less a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an Instant History.
With anyone youd like to make part of your personal or professional future, look for special moments together. Then make them a refrain.
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what started our friendship. To this day, every time I hear his Quack on the phone, it floods me with happy, if a tad embarassing, memories. It recalls our history and renews our friendship no matter how long its been since we last quacked at each other.
Now Whats Left?
Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics shared by big winners in all walks of life. Part One helped us make a dynamic, confident, and charismatic first impression with body
language. In Part Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our body ballet. Then in Part Three, we seized hints from the big boys and big girls so were contenders for lifes big league. Part Four rescued us from being tongue-tied with folks with whom we have very litle in common. And in Part Five, we learned techniques to create instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant rapport.
Whats left? You guessed itmaking people feel really good about themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in todays world. One mishandling and you can butcher the rel tionship. Let us now explore the power of praise, the folly of flatery, and how you can use these potent tools effectively.
