How to Be an Insider in Any Crowd What Are They All Talking About?
Has it ever happened to you? Everyone at the party is speaking gobbledygook. Theyre all discussing faulty audits, code costraints, or the library marketand you have no idea what theyre talking about. Its because everybody at the party is an accoutant, an architect, or a publisherand youre not.
So you stand there with a pasty smile on your face, not opeing your mouth. If you do, you fear the wrong thing will come out. Paranoia sets in. Everybody will snicker at you. Youre an ousider. So you suffer in silence.
In high school I suffered a massive case of Silent Outsider Syndrome, especially around males. All they wanted to talk about was cars. I knew nothing about cars. The only time Id ever set foot in a body shop was to get a suntan.
Well, one fateful day, Mama came home with a gift for me that transformed my teenage existence from shy to sociable. It was a book on all the current model cars and their differences over and under the hood. One reading, and I became fluent in Fords, Chevys, and Buicks. I no longer hyperventilated when boys said words like carburetor, alternator, camshaft, or exhaust manifold. I
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didnt need to learn a lot, just enough to ask the right questions to get the guys talking. When Id learned to speak car with the boys, it worked wonders for my social life.
Cut to today. We grown-up boys and girls also have our favorite topics that usually involve our work or our hobbies. When were with people in our own field or who share our interests, we open up like small-town gossips. (Even engineers who have a costant case of cat-got-their-tongue start gabbing about greasy tubines and various projects when theyre together.) To outsiders, our conversation sounds like gobbledygook. But we know precisely what its about. Its our own jobbeldygook or hobbydygook.
You fear youll find yourself in a party of squash players when youre the type of person whod rather be in court than on court? Dont panic hearing words like lobbing and hitting rails roll off the squash players tongues. So what if the only experience youve ever
had with squash was the mashed acorn variety on your plate next to the turkey last Thanksgiving. All you need is the few techniques that follow.
Just as anglers throw out a dragonfly to get the fish to bite, all you have to do is throw out the right questions to get people to open up. Dale Carnegies adage, show sincere interest and people will talk, only goes so far. As they say in poker, it takes jacks or better to open. And in conversation, it takes cursory knowledge or better about their field to get them to really open up. You must have knowledgeable curiosity, the kind that makes you sound like youre worth talking to.
In this section, we explore techniques that are Open Sesames to get people gabbing with you like an insider.
How to Be a ModerDay Renaissance Man or Woman
Whenever friends visit my hometown, New York City, I warn them Never ask anyone riding in the subway for directions.
Because Ill get mugged? they fearfully ask.
No, just because youll never get where youre going! Most Big Apple subway riders know only two things about the subway: where they get on and where they get off. They know nothing about the rest of the system. Most people are like NYC strap-hangers when it comes to their hobbies and interests. They know their own pastimes, but all the others are like unvisited stations.
My unmarried (and wishing she werent) friend Rita has a bad case of bowlers thumb. Every Wednesday night shes bowling up a storm with her friends. She is forever discussing her scores, her averages, and her high game. Another single and searching friend Walter is into white-water rafting. He talks endlessly with his padling friends about which rivers hes run, which outfitters hes gone with, and which class rapids he prefers. Thinking my two single friends might hit it off, I introduced Walter the paddler to Rita the bowler and mentioned their respective passions.
Oh youre a bowler! said Walter.
Yes, Rita smiled demurely, awaiting more questions about her big bowling turn-on. Walter was silent.
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Masking her disappointment, Rita said, Uh, Leil tells me youre into water rafting. Walter smiled proudly, awaiting further friendly interrogation on paddling. Uh, that must be exciting. Isnt it dangerous? was the best Rita could do.
No, its not dangerous, Walter patronizingly responded to her typical outsiders question. Then the conversation died.
During the deafening silence, I remember thinking, if Rita had run just one river, if Walter had bowled just one game, their lives might be different now. Conversation could have flowed, and who knows what else might have flowered.
Go Fly a Kite!
The Scramble Therapy technique is salvation from such disapointing encounters. It will transform you into a modern-day Renaissance man or woman who comfortably can discuss a varety of interests.
Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and participating in an activity youd never think of indulging in. Just one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your pattern. Do you usually play tennis on weekends? This weekend, go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? This weekend, take a tenis lesson. Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies this time. Instead, go white-water rafting. Oh, you were planning on runing some rapids like you do every warm weekend? Forget it, go bowling.
Go to a stamp exhibition. Go to a chess lecture. Go ballooing. Go bird-watching. Go to a pool hall. Go kayaking. Go fly a kite! Why? Because it will give you conversational fodder for the rest of your life. From that weekend on, youll sound like an insider with all the hikers, stamp collectors, ballooners, birders, billiards players, kayakers, and kitists you ever meet. Just by doing their activity once.
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If you take a piece of blue litmus paper and dip it in a huge vat of acid, the tip turns pink. If you take another blue litmus paper and dip it into just one minuscule drop of acid on a glass slide, the tip turns just as pink. Compare this to participating in an activity just one time. A sampling gives you 80 percent of the converstional value. You learn the insiders questions to ask. You start using the right terms. Youll never be at a loss again when the subject of extracurricular interests comes upwhich it always does.
Do You Speak Scuba?
Im not a certified scuba diver. However, six years ago in Bermuda I saw a sign: Resort Dives, $25, no Scuba experience necessary. In just three hours, I received the best crash course in talking with scuba divers the world offers.
First I was given a quick lesson in the pool. Then, struggling to stay erect under the weight of my oxygen tank, regulator, buoancy compensator, and weight belt, I went clumping out to the dive boat. Sitting there on the rocking dinghy, fondling my mask and fins like worry beads, I overheard the certified divers asking each other insider questions:
Where were you certified? Where have you dived? Do you prefer wrecks or reefs? Ever done any night diving? Are you into underwater photography? Do you dive on a computer?
Whats your longest bottom time? Did you ever get the bends?
Why the italicized words? Those are scuba lingo. I now speak scuba. To this day, whenever I meet divers, I have the right quetions to ask and subjects to discuss. And the right ones to avoid. (Like how much I like seafood. Thats like telling a cat lover how much you love tender barbecued kitten.) I can now ask my new friends which of the scuba hot spots theyve been toCozumel, Cayman, Cancun. Then, if I want to really show off, I ask if theyve been to Truk Lagoon in the Far Pacific, the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, or the Red Sea.
All the insider terms now roll comfortably off my tongue. Before my Scramble Therapy experience Id be calling their beloved wrecks and reefs sunken ships and coral. Unde standable words, but not scuba words. Not insider words. Upon meeting a scuba diver, I probably would have asked, Oh scuba diving. That must be interesting. Uh, arent you afraid of sharks? Not a good way to get off on the right fin with a diver.
Think about it! Suppose at a dinner party, the table converstion turns to scuba diving. If you, too, had done your one-timonly dive, youd ask your diving dinner companion if he likes night diving or whether he prefers diving on wrecks or reefs. (Hell never
Technique #38 Scramble Therapy
Once a month, scramble your life. Do something youd never dream of doing. Participate in a sport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of your experience. You get 80 percent of the right lingo and insider questions from just one exposure.
How to Be a Modern-Day Renaissance Man or Woman 149 believe it when you tell him the deepest water youve ever
sumerged yourself in is your own bathtub.)
Then you turn to the bungee jumper seated on your left and ask him, Do you prefer chest-waist jumps or ankle jumps? If the conversation then changes to tennis, or martial arts, or chess, or coin collecting, or even bird-watching, you can keep up and keep the conversation going. What a guy! What a gal!
How to Sound Like You Know All About Their Job or Hobby Even more insidious than hobby-talk is job-speak, or
Jobbledgook. I still harbor social nightmares of the evening I attended a party thrown by a couple who worked in computer database maagement. As I walked in the door, I overheard one chap saying to another, When the domain relational calculus is restricted to safe expressions, its equivalent to the turple relational. . . .
Thats all I stayed around for. I knew I wasnt going to undestand one bit or byte of conversation the rest of the evening. It made me long for the days when a mouse meant the furry little fellow who loves cheese, windows were the kind you bought drapes for, and the web was something spiders trapped flies in. I knew I was going to need some technical support if I was going to be compatible with this crowd.
I decided then and there to learn some of the opening quetions database management types ask each other. Which I did. Now I cant wait for a second chance at that crowd because Im armed with questions like What raid level are you using? and What data warehousing product do you use?
All you need are a few insider opening questions to get you started with any group. You ask questions, listen to the responses, and indulge in elementary on-target conversation with them for a
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How to Sound Like You Know All About Their Job or Hobby 151
moment or two about their field. (Then change the subject ASAP! You dont want to fake you are more knowledgeable about their field than you really are.)
Its All in the Opening Question
A tennis player can tell immediately from just appraising your opening serve how good a player you are. Is it going to be great playing with you or a real bore? Its the same in communicating. Just from your verbal opening serve, someone knows if its going to be interesting talking with you about their life or interestsor dull, dull, dull.
For example, suppose Im introduced to someone and the first words out of her mouth are, Oh, youre a writer. When are you going to write the great American novel? Yikes, I know Im taling with someone who is unfamiliar with my world. Well chat, but I prefer to change the subject. And soon, my conversation partner.
If, however, my new acquaintance says, Oh youre a writer. Do you write fiction or nonfiction? Bingo! Now I know Im with a person who knows about my world. Why? Because that is the first question all writers ask each other. I enjoy talking to this inquisitor because I presume she has more insights into the wriing world. Even if we quickly get off the subject of writing, she has come across as a well-informed individual.
Every job, every sport, every interest has insider opening quetions that everybody in the same field asksand its dumb ousider questions that they never ask each other. When an astronaut meets another astronaut, he asks, What missions have you been on? (Never How do you go to the bathroom up there?) A detist asks another dentist, Are you in general practice or do you have a specialty? (Never Heard any good pain jokes lately?)
The good news is beginning Jobbledygook is an easy language.
You dont need to master buzzwords, only a few opening questions to make you sound like an insider. Thenheres the fun part when
you tell them youre not connected to their field, theyre all the more impressed. What a knowledgeable person! they say to themselves.
Help! Everybody There Will Be an Artist
Its not hard to harvest good Jobbledygook. Lets say youve been invited to a gallery opening where youll be meeting many artists. If you dont speak artist, go through your Rolodex to see if you have an artist friend or two.
Aha, you found one. Well, sort of. Your friend Sally attended art school. You call her up and ask, Sally, I know this sounds silly but Ive been invited to an event where Im bound to be talking with a lot of artists. Could you give me a few good questions to ask? Sally might find your query a tad unusual, but your diligence should impress her.
Maybe shell say, Well, ask artists what medium they work in. Medium? you ask. Sure, shell tell you. Thats the insiders way to ask if they
work with acrylics, oil, charcoal, pen, and so forth. Oh.
Dont ask artists to describe their work, she warns. They feel theirs is a visual medium that cant be described.
Oh. And dont ask them if their work is in a gallery. Oh? That could be a sore point. Instead ask Is there anyplace I
might see your work? Theyll love that because, even if theyre not represented by a gallery, they can invite you to their studio to possibly buy their work.
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Technique #39
Learn a Little Jobbledygook
Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language. What is Jobbledygook? Its the language of other professions.
Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider.
How do you learn it? Youll find no Jobbledygook cassettes in the language section of your bookstore, but the lingo is easy to pick up. Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd youll be with to teach you a few opening questions. The words are few and the rewards are manifold.
Thats all you need to get startedtwo good opening art questions and a warning against the most-asked dumb outsider question.
Lets say youve given a great opening serve with the right question on their job. Youve slammed a swift ball dead center into their conversational court. Happily, thinking theyre with an ace player, they answer your question. Then they put a little spin on the ball and send it lobbing right back into your court and its time for a follow-up question. Whoops, what to do now?
If you dont want to come out of the bluffers closet just yet, you must master the next technique, Baring Their Hot Button.
How to Bare Their Hot Button (Elementary Doc-Talk)
My friend John, a physician, recently married a charming Japnese woman, Yamika. John told me the first time they were invited to a party to meet many of Johns colleagues, Yamika was panistricken. She wanted to make a good impression, yet she was tense about talking to American doctors. John was the only one shed ever met, and during their romance they didnt spend a whole lot of time discussing medicine.
John told her, Dont worry about it, Yami. They all ask each other the same old questions. When you meet them, just ask, Whats your specialty and Are you affiliated with a hospital?
Then, to get into deeper conversation, he continued, throw out questions like Hows your relationship with your hospital? or Hows the current medical environment affecting you? These are hot issues with doctors because everythings changing in health care.
John said Yamika delivered the lines verbatim. She circulated the party asking the various doctors specialties and inquiring about their affiliations and relationships with their hospitals. As a result, she was the hit of the party. Many of Johns colleagues later congratulated him on having found such a charming and insighful woman.
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How to Bare Their Hot Button (Elementary Doc-Talk) 155 Getting the Real Grabber
Its not just doctors. Every profession has concerns that are all the buzz within the industry. The rest of the world, however, knows little about these fixations. For example, independent booksellers constantly complain that big superstore chains are taking over the industry. Accountants lie awake nights worrying about liability insurance for faulty audits. And dentists grind their teeth over OSHA and EPA regulations. Oh, us writers, too. Were always bellyaching about magazines not paying us for electronic rights to our precious words.
Suppose some hapless soul were unlucky enough to find hiself in a party of writers. Making conversation with these folks (who seldom know what they think until they see what they say) is no easy task for one who is accustomed to communicating in the spoken word. However, if before the party the nonwriter had called just one writer acquaintance and asked about the burning issues, hed have had hot conversation with the wordsmiths all ev ning. I call the technique Baring Their Hot Button.
Back to the art show youre about to attend. You cant let Sally hang up yet. Shes given you the two best opening questions for
Technique #40
Baring Their Hot Button
Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons.
artists. But dont let her go until you get the real conversational grabber. Ask her the hottest issues going on in the art world. She might think a minute and then say, Well, theres always art prices.
Art prices? you ask.
Yes, she explains. For example, in the 1980s the art world was very market-driven. Prices went sky-high because some investors and status seekers paid exorbitant amounts. We feel that kind of took art away from the masses.
Wow, now youre really armed with some good insider art talk! See You at the Big One!
While youre at it, dont forget to grill your informant for special insider greetings to use when youre with their gang. For example, actresses cringe if they hear good luck before a show, but they smile at well-wishers who say Break a leg!
Break a leg, however, is not appropriate for runners before a marathon. Thats the last thought they want to have! The only thing they want to break is their personal record. Try Have a pesonal best! Firefighters who work on shift seldom see each other except, of course, at the biggest blazes. Thus the firefighters greeting See ya at
the big one!
Once, driving in a sleepy town youd have to work at getting lost in, I succeeded. I was hopelessly turned around. Happily, I spotted the firehouse and a couple of bored firefighters lounging out front.
Excuse me, can you tell me the way back to Route 50? I called out the window. I could tell from their attitude they thought I was an idiot. Nevertheless, they lethargically pointed me in the right direction. As I drove off, I called out, Thanks guys, see ya at the big one! In the rearview mirror I saw huge smiles break out on their faces as they stood up in unison and waved good-bye. The disoriented dizzy blond driving off had won their respect with their insider salute.
How to Secretly Learn About Their Lives
Lets say your paper carrier has just hurled the newspaper from his bike to your front door. You pour a cup of coffee and get cofortable to catch up on whats happening in the world. Your world, that is. Do you flip first to the international news? The fashion se tion? The sports page? The entertainment section? Maybe the comics?
Whichever section you usually flip to first, tomorrow DONT. Turn to any other section, preferably one you hardly ever read.
Why? Because it will familiarize you with other worlds so that you can soon discuss anything with anybody, no matter how little you have in common.
How about the real estate section? Yawn. Maybe you dont find real estate especially engrossing. However, sooner or later youre going to find yourself with a group of people who are dicussing properties, deals, and todays market. Scanning the real estate section just once every few weeks will keep you au courant with their conversation.
The advertising column? Maybe you think the world would be a far, far better place without Madison Avenue. But your botom line wont be better off if you cant hold your own discussing matters with the marketing maven youve just contracted to adver157
tise your companys widgets. Just a few peeks at the advertising news section and youll soon be chatting about campaigns and crative people, and doing print or TV. Instead of saying words, youll be saying copy. Instead of the agency, youll be bandying about real insider terms like the shop.
Using outsider words is one of the biggest giveaways that you are not in the know. On the ship, if a passenger asked any of my staff, How long have you been working on the boat? theyd squelch a groan. Cruise staffers proudly worked on a ship, and the word boat revealed the passenger as a real landlubber.
The right word can perform conversational miracles. In the receiving line, whenever passengers asked our laconic captain, When did you first become a master? or What was your first command? he would hold up the entire line of people snaking around the ballroom waiting to shake his hand. Captain Cafiero would enthusiastically recount his naval history to the savvy inquirer who might have just learned the words master or comand last week in the newspaper shipping notices. (If the passeger had simply said, How long have you been a captain? or What was your first boat? he or she would have gotten the ca tains usual Italian gentlemans version of the bums rush.)
Soon youll become addicted to the high that establishing raport with so many people gives you. All it takes is reading diffeent sections of the newspaper.
Pump Their Pulp for Even More Fuel
Then, when you crave a bigger hit of insider lingo, start reading trade journals. Those are the closed-circulation magazines that go to
members of various industries. Ask your friends in different jobs to lend you one so youll have even more fuel for the convers tional fire.
All industries have one or two. Youll see big glossy rags with names like Automotive News, Restaurant Business, Pool and Spa
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News, Trucking Industry, and even Hogs Today for people in the pig business. (Excuse me, they call themselves swine practitioners. Hey, you never know when, to make your next big sale, it will help to speak pig.) Any one issue will give you a sample of their lingo and inform you of the hottest issues in that field.
When it comes to peoples hobbies and interests, browse through magazines on running, working out, bicycling, skiing, swimming, and surfing. Large magazine stores carry biker rags, boxer rags, bowler rags, even bull-riding rags. Youll find thousands of special- interest magazines published every month.
Several years ago, I got hooked on buying a different one each week. It paid off quickly when a potential consulting client invited me to dinner at her home. She had a beautiful garden and, thanks to Flower and Garden Magazine, I could throw out insider terms like ornamentals, annuals, and perennials. I could even keep up when the discussion turned to the advantages of growing from seeds or bulbs.
Because I was so fluent in flower, she invited me to take a longer walk with her to see her private back gardens. As we
Technique #41 Read Their Rags
Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhistsor anything in between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more information than youll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of
Zoonooz yet?)
strolled, I gradually changed the subject from chrysanthemums to the consulting work I could do for her company. Who was leaing whom down the garden path?
Is the world getting smaller, or are we getting bigger? Todays Renaissance man or woman is comfortable and confident anwhere.
The next technique helps you be an insider wherever you find yourself on the planet, and it saves you from fulfilling the worlds fantasy of the ugly American.
How to Talk When Youre in Other Countries
Say youre traveling abroad on business and you want to be a global insider. Whats the first thing on your to-do list? Get a passport and a phrase book, right? After all, who wants to wander around Rome not knowing how to ask for a restroom? Or be thirsty in Kuala Lumpur not knowing how to ask for a soda? Hoever, theres something most of us forget to pack, often with dire consequencesa book on international customs.
A friend of mine, a fellow speaker named Geraldine, was excited about her first speech in Japan. To be comfy on her long flight to Tokyo, she donned her favorite designer jeans and a casual jacket. Fourteen hours and 6,737 miles later, four impeccably dressed Japanese gentlemen greeted her at Narita Airport. Smiing and bowing low, they handed her their business cards. With her carry-on bag in one hand, Geri took their cards with the other. She thanked them, glanced briefly at the cards, and packed them safely into her back pocket. She then pulled one of her business cards out of her purse and, sensitive to the fact that they might have difficulty pronouncing Geraldine, wrote her nickname Geri above her printed name. The gentlemen hovered over her card, turning it over to examine it a few times, before one of them put it in his briefcase.
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When the five of them arrived at the hotel, they invited Geri for tea in the lobby. While sipping tea, the gentlemen presented her with a small gift which she eagerly opened. One of Geris most charming qualities is her instinctive warmth and effusiveness. She was thrilled with the gift and, in typical Geri style, she squealed, Oh, its beautiful! as she gave each of the gentlemen a little hug.
At this point, the four Japanese gentlemen stood up in unson like four frowning Siamese twins and, bowing only very slightly, mumbled Sayonara and promptly left. Poor Geri was flabbergasted. What did she do wrong?
Everything! First, the jeans. Even if youre coming off a biccle in Asia, you do not meet clients casually dressed. The second mistake was Geris vulgar handling of their business cards. In Asia, the business card is one of the most important protocol tools. It is
always presented and accepted reverently with both hands. (Except in Moslem Asia where the left hand is considered unclean.)
Geri then put their cards away much too quickly. In Asia, peple use business cards as a conversation starter. You chat about each others cards and work and do not put theirs away until they getly and respectfully place yours in safekeeping. Shoving it into her back jeans pocket was the ultimate disrespect.
Geri didnt discover her fourth gaffe until she returned home. One of her colleagues Bill, a seasoned business traveler, analyzed the fiasco for her. Bill told her the reason the gentlemen had turned Geraldines card over and over when she gave it to them at the ai port was to find her name, title, and company printed in Japanese on the other side. The flip side of Geris card was, of course, blank.
Then, fifth horror of horrors, Geri should not have written on the card. Cards in Asia are not exactly sacred, but one should never deface them with messy handwriting.
The sad tale of Geri and the Japanese gets worse. Bill broke the bad news to her: she should not have opened the gift in front
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of her clients. Why? Because in a land where saving face is critcal, it would be embarrassing to discover the gift they gave was not as nice as the one they received. (Yikes, Geri hadnt even given them a gift!) Gaffe number seven.
Geris little squeal when receiving the gift was also a boo-boo. In Asia, the lower the tone of voice, the higher the rank. The final flub was, of course, giving the gentlemen a thank-you hug. Huging, highly revered in certain parts of the world is, in Japan, abs lutely unacceptable with a new client.
Needless to say, Geri has not been invited back to Japan. However, she does have a gig coming up in El Salvador. This time shes smart. Shes studying up on the customs there. Happily, shes finding she can hug to her hearts content. However she shouldnt use her (or anybody elses) first name. Oh, and she must not intrduce herself as an American. After all, Salvadorans are Amercans, too!
The differences round the world go on and on. Whenever I travel, I have to hit myself over the head and realize Im not in the anything-goes ol USA. I love to travel in jeans, Im an incurable hugger, and I cant wait to see whats in a gift box anybody gives me. However, whenever I plan to leave Uncle Sams shores, I check on foreign customs to see how much of myself I can be.
Technique #42 Clear Customs
Before putting one toe on foreign soil, get a book on dos and taboos around the world. Before you shake hands, give a gift, make gestures, or even compliment anyones possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum up your entire gig.
There are some excellent books on international customs. Youll find the names of a few in the notes. 1719
Dont be like another hapless colleague of mine who almost blew a big business deal with a Brazilian. Just before signing the contract, he gave the OK sign with his thumb and forefinger. Litle did he know he was telling his new business partner to go have intercourse with himself. You never know until its too late.
Now we come to where being an insider shows immediate, tangible, and calculable rewards. And where being an outsider really hurtsright in your pocket or purse.
How to Talk Them into Getting the Insiders Price (on Practically Anything You Buy)
Never underestimate human ingenuity when it comes to getting what you want. Many people expand the adage, Alls fair in love and war to All is fair in love, war, and buying what I want. To get a table at a posh restaurant on a busy night, using a celebrity name is an old ploy. My favorite ma”tre d told me he gets a lot of Robert De Niros phoning in a reservation. When their party of six or eight arrives, he hears, Im so sorry, Rob wasnt feeling well this evening.
One woman, frustrated when her fake celebrity name didnt work, shouted at him, Look, who the hell do I have to be to get a table? Ill be anyone you want me to be, Goldie Hawn, Steffi Graf, Fergiejust tell me. Some people try a last-minute approach. They simply walk up to the ma”tre d at an overbooked restaurant, point to any name on the reservation book and say, Thats us.
Youll witness the same cunning at overbooked hotels. Several months ago I was checking into a popular hotel for which, fortnately, I had a confirmed reservation. A loudmouthed man in front
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of me in line shouted at the desk clerk, Whaddaya mean, no room? Im staying in this hotel tonight. If you dont have a room, Im sleeing right here on the floor. His temper tantrum was not working.
And I warn you, he continued, I sleep in the nude! He got a room. These crafty childish tactics are not recommended. Rather, I
suggest a more principled technique called Bluffing for Bargains. It was born one afternoon sitting with an insurance broker Mr. Carson. He was trying to sell me a homeowners policy. Of course I wanted the most coverage for the least cash. Carson was a smooth operator and he was patiently explaining to me in laymans terms the benefits of certain riders he was pushing.
Just as he started discussing disasters like wars and hurricanes, his phone rang. With apologies, he picked up the receiver. It was one of his colleagues. Suddenly a metamorphosis took place before my eyes. The sophisticated salesman became a palsy-walsy, reglar, down-home kinda guy chatting it up with his old buddy about umbrellas. I thought they were discussing the weather.
Then the conversation turned to floaters. I now assumed they were talking about an eye problem. It took a while for me to reaize that umbrella policies and floaters were part of the insurancese they were speaking.
A few minutes later, Carson said, Yeah, OK, so long, buddy, and put the phone down. He cleared his throat and again tranmogrified back into the formal sales agent patiently defining daages and deductibles to a na•ve client.
Sitting there listening to bafflegab like subrogation and pro rata liability, I began to ponder, If Carsons colleague who just called wanted to buy insurance, he would have gotten a much better policy, much cheaper. In practically every industry, vedors give two prices on goods or servicesone to insiders and one to you and me.
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Before I let myself get angry about this, I thought it through. Is it unfair? Not really. If the vendor doesnt have to spend time being salesman or psychologist answering the endless stream of novice questions, he can afford to give his best price. Carson wouldnt have had to take twenty minutes explaining to his coleague (as he did to me) why, if a tornado takes your house, its considered an act of God. Therefore, you lose. When know edgeable associates buy products, the vendor is happily reduced to nothing more than a purchasing agent. For very little work, he makes a small profit and is satisfied.
A little bit of knowledge goes a long way when youre buying something. If you have insight into your real estate brokers botom
line, hes more apt to give you the better price. If you are facile with the insider words caterers and car salesmen use to pad their profits, if youre savvy to techniques moving companies and mechanics use to bilk the unsuspecting, if you are on the lookout for lawyers methods of fattening feesin short, if you know the ropes, you will not get ripped off. You dont need to know a lot, just a few insider terms. The pro assumes, since you are convesant in some esoteric industry terms, you also know the best deal and rock-bottom price.
No one put it better than my housepainter, Iggy. Sure, he told me, you gotta know how to talk to a painter. Not me, but a lotta them other guys, theyre gonna get whatever they can. Its only human nature. Especially if youre a woman and you deal with em smart, like Im gonna tell you how, their hair will stand on end. Theyll say to themselves, Hey, dis is no babe in the woods. I beter deal straight.
OK, Iggy, how?
He said, Tell them guys, Look the walls need very little preping. Youre not going to have to spend much time scraping and spackling. Its a clean job. Iggy told me these few sentences alone
can save you hundreds of dollars. Why? Right away the painter knows you know the score and that the most time-consuming part for him is preparing the surface (prepping in painterese). Therfore, its his biggest markup item.
Then, Iggy continued, when you tell em there will be no cutting in [painting two colors next to each other], your price goes down again. Be sure and tell em not to leave any holidays [unpainted or sparsely painted spots] and you get a more careful job. Im only sorry I dont have an Iggy in every field to give me a crash course in how to deal.
How to Deal When Theres No Iggy in Your Life
Heres how to get the best price and the best deal from anyone. Find your Iggy Informer. If you have a friend in the business, get the lingo from him. If not, instead of going straight to the vendor you want to buy from, visit several others first. Talk with them. Learn a little lingo from each.
For instance, suppose you want to buy a diamond. Instead of going right to your favorite jewelry shop and asking dumbbell dimond questions, go to the competition. Make friends with the salesclerk and pick up a few gems of diamondese. Youll learn jeelers say stones, not diamonds. When youre talking about the top
of the stone, they say table; the widest part is the girdle; the botom is the cutlet. If the stone looks yellow, dont say yellow, say cape. If you see flaws, dont say flaws, say inclusions or gletz. If you still dont like the stone, dont say Id like to see something beter, say finer. (Dont ask me why. Thats just the way the diamond crowd talks.)
Then, when youve got your lingo down, go to where you want to buy. Because you now speak diamond, you get a much better price.
How to Talk Them into Getting the Insiders Price 169 Technique #43
Bluffing for Bargains
The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower when you know how to deal.
Before every big purchase, find several vendorsa few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a few words of industryese, youre ready to head for the store where youre going to buy.
Soon youll be asking furriers where the skins were dressed, moving companies for their ICC performance record, and lawyers the hourly rate of paralegals and associates. Then these folks, like Iggy the painter, will say to themselves, Hey, dis is no babe in the woodsI better deal straight.
Let us now delve deeper into the world of being an insider. This time we explore how to give your conversation partner the sense that you share not only experiences but the heavy stuff. You share beliefs and values in life.
