How to Talk Like a VIP
Welcome to the human jungle. When two tigers prowling through the jungle chance upon one another in a clearing, they look at each other. They freeze. Instinctively they calculate, If our staring came to hissingcame to scratchingcame to clawingwho would win? Which of us has the stronger survival skills?
Tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright animals inhabiting the corporate jungle (or singles jungle or social jungle). Humans start the process by looking at each other and talking. In the business world, while smiling and uttering How do you do? Hello, Howdy, or Hi, they are, like tigers, instinctively, instantaneously, sizing each other up.
Theyre not calculating the length of each others claws or the sharpness of their teeth. Theyre judging each other on a weapon far more powerful to survival as they have defined it. Humans are judging each others communications skills. Although they may not know the names of the specific studies first proving it, they sense the truth: 85 percent of ones success in life is directly due to communications skills. 13
They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureaus recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good communications skills and attitude way over education, experience, and training.But they know communications skills get peple to the top. Thus, by observing each other carefully during casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident to both which is the bigger cat in the human jungle.
It doesnt take long for people to recognize who is an impotant person. One clichŽ, one insensitive remark, one overanxious reaction, and you can be professionally or personally demoted. You can lose a potentially important friendship or business contact. One stupid move and you can tumble off the corporate or social ladder.
The techniques in this section will help ensure that you make all the right moves so this doesnt happen. The following comunications skills give you a leg up to start your ascent to the top of any ladder you choose.
How to Find Out What They Do (Without Even Asking!)
To size each other up, the first question little cats flat-pawedly ask each other is, And what do you do? Hmm? Then they crouch there, quivering their whiskers and twitching their noses, with an obvious Im going to pronounce silent judgment on you after you answer look on their pusses.
Big cats never ask outright, What do you do? (Oh they find out, all right, in a much more subtle manner.) By not asking the question, the big boys and big girls come across as more princpled, even spiritual. After all, their silence says, a man or woman is far more than his or her job.
Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity. With so much downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing of corportions these days, the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness. The job question is not just unpleasant for those who are between engagements. I have several gainfully employed friends who hate being asked, And what do you do? (One of these folks cuts cadavers for autopsies, the other is an IRS collection agent.)
Additionally, millions of talented and accomplished women have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood. When the cruel corporate question is thrust at them, they feel guilty. The rude interrogation belittles their commitment to their families. No matter how the women answer, they fear the asker is only going to hear a humble Im just a housewife.
Big boys and big girls should avoid asking, What do you do? for another reason: their abstinence from the question leads liteners to believe that they are in the habit of soaring with a higflying crowd. Recently I attended a posh party on Easy Street. (I suspect they invited me as their token working-class person.) I noticed no one was asking anyone what they didbecause these swells didnt do anything. Oh, some might have a ticker tape on the bed table of their mansion to track investments. But they deinitely did not work for a living.
The final benefit to not asking, What do you do? is it throws people off guard. It convinces them you are enjoying their copany for who they are, not for any crass networking reason.
The Right Way to Find Out
So how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought youd never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words. All together now: How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . .
. of …your…time?
Technique #24
What Do You DoNOT!
A sure sign youre a Somebody is the conspicuous asence of the question, What do you do? (You detemine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or someone whos never strolled along Easy Street.)
How to Find Out What They Do (Without Even Asking!) 97 How do you spend most of your time? is the gracious way to let
a cadaver cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off the hook. Its the way to reinforce an accomplished mothers choice. Its the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner beauty. Its a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on Easy Street, too.
Now, suppose youve just made the acquaintance of someone who does like to talk about his or her work? Asking, How do you spend most of your time? also opens the door for workaholics to spout off, Oh golly, they mock moan, I just spend all my time working. That, of course, is your invitation to grill them for details. (Then theyll talk your ear off.) Yet the new wording of your question gives those who are somewhere between at leisure and work addicted the choice of telling you about their job or not. Finally, asking How do you spend most of your time? instead of And what do you do? gives you your big cat stripes right off.
How to Know What to Say When They Ask, What Do You Do? Now, 99 percent of the people you meet will, of course, ask And what do you do? Big winners, realizing someone will always ask,
are fully prepared for the interrogation.
Many folks have one written rŽsumŽ for job seeking. They type it up and then trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all prospective employers. The rŽsumŽ lists their previous positions, dates of employment, and education. Then, at the bottom, they might as well have scribbled, Well, thats me. Take it or leave it. And usually they get left. Why? Because prspective employers do not find enough specific points in the rŽsumŽ that relate directly to what their firm is seeking.
Boys and girls in the big leagues, however, have bits and bytes of their entire work experience tucked away in their computers. When applying for a job, they punch up only the appropriate data and print it out so it looks like it just came from the printer.
My friend Roberto was out of work last year. He applied for two positions:a sales manager of an ice cream company and head of strategic planning for a fast-food chain. He did extensive research and found the ice cream company had deep sales diffculties and the food chain had long-range international aspirations.
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Did he send the same rŽsumŽ to each? Absolutely not. His
rŽsumŽ never deviated one iota from the truth of his background. Hoever, for the ice cream company, he highlighted his experience turning a small company around by doubling its sales in three years. For the food chain, he underscored his experience working in Europe and his knowledge of foreign markets.
Both firms offered Roberto the job. Now he could play them off against each other. He went to each, explaining hed like to work for them but another firm was offering a higher salary or more perks. The two firms started bidding against each other for Roberto. He finally chose the food chain at almost double the salary they originally offered him.
To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal rŽsumŽ with just as much care as you would your written curiculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent What do you do? prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on whos asking. For optimum networking, every time someone asks about your job, give a calculated oral rŽsumŽ in a nutshell. Before you submit your answer, consider what possible interest the asker could have in you and your work.
Heres How My Life Can Benefit Yours
Top salespeople talk extensively of the benefit statement. They know, when talking with a potential client, they should open their conversation with a benefit statement. When my colleague Brian makes cold calls, instead of saying Hello, my name is Brian Tracy. Im a sales trainer, he says, Hello, my name is Brian Tracy from the Institute for Executive Development. Would you be interested in a proven method that can increase your sales from 20 to 30 pecent over the next twelve months? That is his benefit statement. He highlights the specific benefits of what he has to offer to his prospect.
My hairdresser Gloria, I discovered, gives a terrific benefit statement to everyone she meets. Thats probably why she has so
many clients. In fact, thats how she got me as a client. When I met Gloria at a convention, she told me she was a hairdresser who specialized in flexible hairstyles for the businesswoman. She casally mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservative hairstyle for work that they can instantly convert to a feminine style for social situations. Hey, thats me, I said to myself, figering my stringy little ponytail. I asked for her card and Gloria became my hairdresser.
Then, several months later, I happened to see Gloria at another event. I overheard her chatting with a stylish grey-haired woman at the buffet table. Gloria was saying . . . and we specialize in a wonderful array of blue rinses. Now that was news to me! I didnt remember seeing one grey head in her salon.
As I was leaving the party, Gloria was out on the lawn talking animatedly with the hosts teenage daughters. Oh yeah, she was saying, like we specialize in these really cool up-to-the-minute styles. Good for you, Gloria!
Like Gloria the hairdresser, give your response a once-over before answering the inevitable What do you do? When somone asks, never give just a one-word answer. Thats for forms. If business networking is on your mind, ask yourself, How could my professional experience benefit this persons life? For example, here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax return:
Real estate agent Financial planner Martial arts instructor Cosmetic surgeon Hairdresser
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Any practitioner of the above professions should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some beefit or you wouldnt get paid to do it.) The advice to the folks above is
Dont say real estate agent. Say I help people moving into our area find the right home.
Dont say financial planner. Say I help people plan their financial future.
Dont say martial arts instructor. Say I help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts.
Dont say cosmetic surgeon. Say I reconstruct peoples faces after disfiguring accidents. (Or, if youre talking with a woman of a certain age, as the French so gracefully say, tell her, I help people to look as young as they feel through cometic surgery.)
Dont say hairdresser. Say I help a woman find the right hairstyle for her particular face. (Go, Gloria!)
Putting the benefit statement in your verbal Nutshell RŽsumŽ brings your job to life and makes it memorable. Even if your new acquaintance cant use your services, the next time he or she meets someone moving into the area, wanting to plan their financial future, thinking of self defense, considering cosmetic sugery, or needing a new hairstyle, who comes to mind? Not the unimaginative people who gave the tax-return description of their jobs, but the big winners who painted a picture of helping people with needs.
A Nutshell RŽsumŽ for Your Private Life
The Nutshell RŽsumŽ works in nonbusiness situations, too. Since the new acquaintances will always ask you about yourself, prepare
a few exciting stock answers. When meeting a potential friend or loved one, make your life sound like you will be a fun person to know.
As a young girl, I wrote novels in my mind about my life. Leil, squinting her eyes against the torrential downpour, bravely reached out the window into the icy storm to pull the shutters tight and keep the family safe from the approaching hurricane. Big dealMama asked me to close the windows when it started to rain. Still, marching toward the open window, I fancied myself the familys brave savior.
You dont need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image, but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated.
Technique #25
The Nutshell RŽsumŽ
Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written rŽsumŽ off their printers for each position theyre applying for, let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to What do you do? ask yourself, What possible interest could this person have in my answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me? Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?
Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks.
How to Sound Even Smarter Than You Are
Did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn big for his tongue? By the smile on the speakers face and the gleam in his eye as the word limped off his lips, you knew he was really proud of it. (To make matters worse, he probably used the word incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe even mispronounced it. Ouch.)
The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more creative, more intelligent. People with larger vocabularies get hired quicker, promoted faster, and listened to a whole lot more. So big winners use rich, full words, but they never sound inappropriate. The phrases slide gracefully off their tongues to enrich their coversation. The words fit. With the care that they choose their tie or their blouse, big players in life choose words to match their pesonalities and their points.
The startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words! You dont need much to sound like a big winner. A mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have an original and creative mind.
Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You neednt pore over vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with
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impossible British accents. You dont need to learn two-dollar words that your grandmother, if she heard, would wash out of your mouth with soap.
All you need to do is think of a few tired, overworked words you use every daywords like smart, nice, pretty, or good. Then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf. Look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day. Examine your long list of alternatives.
For example, if you turn to the word smart, youll find dozens of synonyms. Some words are colorful and rich like ingenious, resourceful, adroit, shrewd, and many more. Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit your personality? Which ones seem right for you? Try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary. The next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say, youll be purring
Oh, that was so clever of you. My how resourceful. That was ingenious. Or maybe, How astute of you.
And Now, for Men Only
Gentlemen, we women spend a lot of time in front of the mirror (as if you didnt know). When I was in college, it used to take me a full fifteen minutes to fix myself up for a date. Every year since, Ive had to add a few minutes. Im now up to an hour and a half gussying myself up for an evening out.
Gentlemen, when your wife comes down the staircase all dolled up for a night out, or you pick a lady up for dinner, what do you say? If you make no comment except, Well, are you ready to go? how do you think that makes the lady feel?
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My friend Gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes me to dinner. I met him about twelve years ago, and Ill never foget the first time he arrived on my doorstep for our date. He said, Leil, you look great. I adored his reaction!
I saw Gary a month or so later. On my doorstep again, Leil, you look great. The precise same words as the first time, but I still appreciated it.
Its been twelve long years now that this gentleman and I have been friends. I see him about once every two months, and every darn time its the same old comment, Leil, you look great. (I think Ill show up one evening in a flannel nightshirt and a mud pack on my face. I swear Gary will say, Leil, you look great.)
During my seminars, to help men avoid Garys mistake, I ask every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great. Then I bring up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to diner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment.
Darla, one says, you look elegant. Ooh! Every woman in the room sighs. Darla, says another, taking her hand, you look stunning. Ooh! Every woman in the room swoons. Darla, says the third, putting her hand between his, you
look ravishing. Ooooh! By now every woman in the room has gone limp. Pay attention men! Words work on us women.
More Unisex Suggestions
Suppose youve been at a party and it was wonderful. Dont tell the hosts it was wonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superb party, an extraordinary party. Hug the hosts
and tell them you had a magnificent time, a remarkable time, a glorious time.
The first few times you say a word like glorious, it may not roll comfortably off your tongue. Yet you have no trouble with the word wonderful. Hmm, glor-i-ous doesnt have any more syllables than won-der-ful. Neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce. Vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity. Use your new favorite words a few times and, just like breaking in a new pair of shoes, youll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new words.
Technique #26
Your Personal Thesaurus
Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements.
Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and youll be in the verbally elite.
How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity)
Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch. Above all, you dont want to sound anxious to have rapport.
Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experence, instead of jumping in with a breathless, Hey, me, too! I do that, too or I know all about that, let your conversation parner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club before you tell her youre a member, too. Let him go on analyzing the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually coparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let her tell you how many tennis games shes won before you just hapen to mention your USTA ranking.
Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed travelogue of places Id skied. I raved about the various resorts. I
analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artificial versus nat ral snow. It wasnt until near the end of my monologue that I
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finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He replied, Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen.
Cool! If hed jumped in and told me about his ski pad right after I first told him how much I liked skiing, Id have been impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end of our convesationand then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept an Aspen ski padmade it unforgettable.
Heres the technique I call Kill the Quick Me, Too! Wheever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casally mention you share their interest.
Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You
I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the moment presented itself at a convention. A new contact began telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park. (Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitors perspective.)
I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had a chance to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suurbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip, she said, You sound like you know a lot about Washington.
Yes, I replied. Its my hometown, but I havent been back there in ages.
Your hometown! she squealed. My goodness, why didnt you tell me? I must have been boring you.
Oh, not at all, I replied honestly. I was enjoying hearing about your trip so much, I was afraid youd stop if I told you. Her
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big smile and barely audible Oh gosh let me know I had won a new friend.
When someone starts telling you about an activity he has done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she
hasanything that you sharebite your tongue. Let the teller relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared interest.
Technique #27
Kill the Quick Me, Too!
Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger.
P.S.: Dont wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like youre being tricky.
HowtoBeaYoFirstie to Gain Their Respect and Affection
SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . Two-bit comics have been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal. However, big winners know theres a three-letter word more potent then SEX to get peoples attention. That word is YOU.
Why is you such a powerful word? Because when we were infants, we thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into, How does that affect ME?
Big winners know we havent changed a bit. Adults camouflage their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness. Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly translates everything into terms of How does that affect ME?
For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague, Jill, if she would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her, Theres a really good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you join me there for dinner tonight?
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Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, By good does he
mean the food or the atmosphere or both? Her reverie cotinues,
Indian cuisine, Im not sure. He says its good. However, will I like it? While thinking, Jill hesitates. You probably take her hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchange diminishes.
Suppose, instead, you had said to her, Jill, you will really love this new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening for dinner? Phrasing it that way, youve already subliminally answered Jills questions and shes more apt to give you a quick yes.
The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Pschologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful. For many people, thinking is painful.
So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They translate everything into the other persons terms by starting as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word, you. Thus, I call the technique Comm-YOU-nication.
Comm-YOU-nicate When You Want a Favor
Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when youre asking a favor, because it pushes the askers pride button. Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively? Can I take Friday off, Boss? Or this one: Boss, can you do without me Friday?
In the first case, Boss had to translate your Can I take Friday off
? into Can I do without this employee Friday? Thats an extra thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)
However, in the second case, Boss, can you do without me Friday, you did Bosss thinking for her. Your new wording made managing without you a matter of pride for Boss. Of course, she said to herself. I can manage without your help Friday.
Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments
Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Getlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer feelings? The woman who says, I like your suit. Or the one who says, You look great in that suit.
Big players who make business presentations use ComYOU- nication to excellent advantage. Suppose youre giving a talk and a participant asks a question. He likes to hear you say, Thats a good question. However, consider how much better he feels when you tell him, Youve asked a good question.
Salespeople, dont just tell your prospects, Its important that . . . . Convince them by informing them, Youll see the impotance of. . . .
When negotiating, instead of, The result will be . . . let them know, Youll see the result when you. . . .
Starting sentences with you even works when talking to strangers on the street. Once, driving around San Francisco hoplessly lost, I asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge. I stopped a couple trudging up a hill. Excuse me, I called out the window, I cant find the Golden Gate Bridge. The pair looked at each other and shrugged with that How stupid can these tourists get look on their faces. That direction, the husband mumbled, pointing straight ahead.
Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered. Excuse me, wheres the Golden Gate Bridge? Without smiling, they pointed in the opposite direction.
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Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came upon
the next strolling couple, I called out the window, Excuse me, could you tell me where the Golden Gate Bridge is?
Of course, they said, answering my question literally. You see, by phrasing the question that way, it was a subtle challenge. I was asking, in essence, Are you able to give me directions? This hits them in the pride button. They walked over to my car and gave me explicit instructions.
Hey, I thought. This you stuff really works. To test my hypothesis, I tried it a few more times. I kept asking passersby my three forms of the question. Sure enough, whenever I asked, Could you tell me where . . . people were more pleasant and helful than when I started the question with I or where.
Im sure when they recover the flight box from the Fall of Man under a fig leaf in the Garden of Eden, it will convince the world of the power of the word you. Eve did not ask Adam to eat the apple. She did not command him to eat the apple. She didnt even
Technique #28 Comm-YOU-nication
Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immedately grabs your listeners attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into me terms.
When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice.
say, Adam, I want you to eat this apple. She phrased it (as all big winners would), You will love this apple. Thats why he bit.
Comm-YOU-nication Is a Sign of Sanity
Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I and me twelve times more often than residents of the outside world. As patients conditions improve, the number of times they use the personal pronouns also diminishes.
Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use I, the more sane you seem to your listeners. If you eavesdrop on big winers talking with each other, youll notice a lot more you than I in their conversation.
The next technique concerns a way big winners are silently you- oriented.
How to Make Them Feel You Dont Smile at Just Anybody Have you ever seen those low-budget, mail-order fashion
catlogues that use the same model throughout? Whether she is engulfed in a wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini, her face sports the same plastic smile. Looking at her, you get the feeling if you rapped on her forehead, a tiny voice would come back saing Nobodys in here.
Whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have matered a myriad of different expressions: a flirtatious Ive got a secret smile on one page; a quizzical I think Id like to get to know you but Im not sure smile on the next; and a mysterious Mona Lisa smile on the third. You feel theres a brain running the operation somewhere inside that beautiful head.
I once stood in the receiving line of the ship I worked on, along with the captain, his wife, and several other officers. One passenger with a radiant smile started shaking hands down our line. When he got to me, he flashed a shimmering smile, reveaing teeth as even and white as keys on a new piano. I was tranfixed. It was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dim ballroom. I wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this charming gentleman later.
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Then he was introduced to the next person. Out of the coner of my eye, I saw his identical glistening grin. A third person, the same grin. My interest began to dwindle.
When he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next person, he started to resemble a Cheshire cat. By the time he was introduced to the fifth person, his consistent smile felt like a strobe light disturbing the ambience of the ballroom. Strobe Man went on flashing everybody the same smile down the line. I had no futher interest in talking with him.
Why did this mans stock shoot high in my ticker one minute and plummet the next? Because his smile, although charming, reflected no special reaction to me. Obviously, he gave the same smile to everybody and, by that, it lost all its specialness. If Strobe Man had given each of us a slightly different smile, he would have appeared sensitive and insightful. (Of course, if his smile had been just a tad bigger for me than for the others, I couldnt have waited for the formalities to be over to seek him out in the crowded ballroom.)
Review Your Repertoire of Smiles
If your job required you to carry a gun, you would, of course, learn all about the moving parts before firing it. And before taking aim, you would carefully consider whether it would murder, maim, or merely wound your target. Since your smile is one of your biggest communications weapons, learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside five minutes. Lock your bedroom or bathroom door so your family doesnt think youve gone off the deep end. Now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles. Discover the subtle differences in your repertoire.
Just as you would alternate saying Hello, How do you do, and I am pleased to meet you when being introduced to a group
How to Make Them Feel You Dont Smile at Just Anybody 117 of people, vary your smile. Dont use the same on each. Let each
of your smiles reflect the nuances of your sentiment about the recipient.
In Defense of the Quickie
There are times, I discovered, when the quick put-on smile works. For example, when you want to engineer the acquaintance of someone to whom you have not had the opportunity to be intrduced. (In the vernacular, thats pick them up.)
The smiles pickup power was proven for posterity by solemn researchers at the University of Missouri. They conducted a highly controlled study titled Giving Men the Come-On: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment.(I kid you not.) To prove their hypothesis, female researchers made eye contact with
unsuspecting male subjects enjoying a little libation in a local drinking establishment. Sometimes, the female researchers folowed their glance with a smile. In other cases, no smile.
Technique #29
The Exclusive Smile
If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confeerate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face.
If one person in a group is more important to you than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for him or her.
The results? I quote the study: The highest approach behaior, 60 percent, was observed in the condition in which there was smiling. That translates into laymans English: The guy came over 60 percent of the time when the lady smiled. Without the smile, he made the approach only 20 percent of the time. So, yes, a smile works for those who wish to pick somebody up.
However, in situations where the stakes are higher, try The Flooding Smile from the first section and now The Exclusive Smile.
How to Avoid Sounding Like a Jerk
Do you remember that scene from the movie classic Annie Hall where Diane Keaton is first meeting Woody Allen? As shes chating with him, we hear her private thoughts. Shes musing to heself, Oh I hope hes not a jerk like all the others.
One of the quickest ways to make a big winner think you are, well, a jerk, is to use a clichŽ. If youre chatting with a top comunicator and even innocently remark Yes, I was tired as a dog, or She was cute as a button, youve unknowingly laid a linguitic bomb.
Big winners silently moan when they hear someone mouth a trite overworn phrase. Oh sure, just like the rest of us, big winers find themselves feeling fit as a fiddle, happy as a lark, or high as a kite. Like the rest of humanity, they consider some of their acquaintances crazy as a loon, nutty as a fruitcake, or blind as a bat. Because many of them work hard, many of them are as busy as a bee and get rich as Croesus.
Yet would any of them describe themselves in those words? Not in a coons age! Why? Because when a big winner hears your clichŽ, you might as well be saying, My powers of imagination are
impoverished. I cant think of anything original to say, so I must fall back on these trite overworn phrases. Mouthing a com119
mon clichŽ around uncommonly successful people brands you as uncommonly common.
Technique #30
Dont Touch a ClichŽ with a Ten-Foot Pole
Be on guard. Dont use any clichŽs when chatting with big winners. Dont even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob.
Instead of coughing up a clichŽ, roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique.
How to Use Motivational Speakers Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation
They say the pen is mightier than the sword. It is, but the tongue is even mightier than the pen. Our tongues can bring crowds to laughter, to tears, and often to their feet in shouting appreciation. Orators have moved nations to war or brought lost souls to God. And what is their equipment? The same eyes, ears, hands, legs, arms, and vocal chords you and I have.
Perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a profesional singer is blessed with a more beautiful singing voice than the one we were doled out. But the professional speaker starts out with the same equipment we all have. The difference is, these ja smiths use it all. They use their hands, they use their bodies, and they use specific gestures with heavy impact. They think about the space theyre talking in. They employ many different tones of voice, they invoke various expressions, they vary the speed with which they speak . . . and they make effective use of silence.
You may not have to make a formal speech anytime soon, but chances are sometime (probably very soon) youre going to want
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people to see things your way. Whether its persuading your faily to spend their next vacation at Grandmas, or convincing the stockholders in your multimillion-dollar corporation that its time to do a takeover, do it like a pro. Get a book or two on public speaking and learn some of the tricks of the trade. Then put some of that drama into your everyday conversation.
A Gem for Every Occasion
If stirring words help make your point, ponder the impact of poerful phrases. Theyve helped politicians get elected (Read my lips: no new taxes.) and defendants get acquitted (If it doesnt fit, you must acquit.).
If George H. W. Bush had said, I promise not to raise taxes, or Johnny Cochran, during O. J. Simpsons criminal trial, had said, If the glove doesnt fit, he must be innocent, their bulky setences would have slipped in and out of the voters or jurors cosciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neat phrases make powerful weapons. (If youre not careful, your enemies will later use them against youread my lips!)
One of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named Barry Farber who brightens up late-night radio with sparkling siiles. Barry would never use a clichŽ like nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof. Hed describe being nervous about losing his job as I felt like an elephant dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy. Instead of saying he looked at a pretty woman, hed say, My eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve.
When I first met him, I asked, Mr. Farber, how do you come up with these phrases?
My daddys Mr. Farber. Im Barry, he chided (his way of saing, Call me Barry). He then candidly admitted, although some of his phrases are original, many are borrowed. (Elvis Presley used
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to say, My daddys Mr. Presley. Call me Elvis.) Like all profesional speakers, Barry spends several hours a week gleaning through books of quotations and humor. All professional speakers do. They collect bon mots they can use in a variety of situations most especially to scrape egg off their faces when something unepected happens.
Many speakers use authors and speakers agent Lilly Walterss face-saver lines from her book, What to Say When Youre Dying on the Platform.If you tell a joke and no one laughs, try That joke was designed to get a silent laughand it worked. If the micrphone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, I dont undestand. I brushed my teeth this morning. If someone asks you a question you dont want to answer, Could you save that question until Im finishedand well on my way home? All pros think of holes they
might fall into and then memorize great escape lines. You can do the same.
Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day coversations. Instead of happy as a lark try happy as a lottery winer or happy as a baby with its first ice cream cone. Instead of bald as an eagle, try bald as a new marine or bald as a bulfrogs belly. Instead of quiet as a mouse, try quiet as an eel swimming in oil or quiet as a fly lighting on a feather duster.
Find phrases that have visual impact. Instead of a clichŽ like sure as death and taxes, try as certain as beach traffic in July or as sure as your shadow will follow you. Your listeners cant see death or taxes. But they sure can see beach traffic in July or their shadow following them down the street.
Try to make your similes relate to the situation. If youre riing in a taxi with someone, as sure as that taxi meter will rise has immediate impact. If youre talking with a man walking his dog, as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree adds a touch of humor.
Make Em Laugh, Make Em Laugh, Make Em Laugh
Humor enriches any conversation. But not jokes starting with, Hey didja hear the one about . . . ? Plan your humor and make it relevant. For example, if youre going to a meeting on the buget, look up money in a quotation book. In an uptight business situation, a little levity shows youre at ease.
Once, during an oppressive financial meeting, I heard a top executive say, Dont worry, this company has enough money to stay in business for yearsunless we pay our creditors. He broke the tension and won the appreciation of all. Later I saw a similar quote in a humor book attributed to Jackie Mason, the comedian. So what? The exec still came across as a cool communicator with his clever comment.
Big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at night gnawing the pillow trying to come up with phrases the press will pick up. A Michigan veterinarian named Timothy, a heavy hitter in his own field but completely unknown outside it, made national headlines when he planned to attach a pair of feet to a rooster who lost his to frostbite. Why? Because he called it a drumstick transplant.
I dont know if a French woman, Jeanne Calment, then offcially the worlds oldest person, was looking for publicity on her 122nd
birthday. But she made international headlines when she told the media, Ive only ever had one wrinkle, and Im sitting on it.
Mark Victor Hansen, a big player in his own field but once reatively unknown outside of it, was propelled into national promnence when he came up with a catchy name for his book coauthored with Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul. He told me his original title was 101 Pretty Stories. How far would that have gone? Soon the world was lapping up, among others, his Chicken
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Soup for the Womans Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Mothers Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, plus second, third, and fourth servings of chicken soup in hardcover, paperback, audiocassette, videocassette, and calendars.
A Word of Warning
No matter how good your material is, it bombs if it doesnt fit the situation. I learned this the hard way during my cruise ship days. On a cruise to England I decided to give my passengers a reading of the English love poems of Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browing. You know, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. It was a BIG hit. The passengers loved it and raved for days. I couldnt walk out on deck without some passenger turning to me and affectionately echoing, How do I love thee?
Technique #31
Use Jawsmiths Jive
Whether youre standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your family, youll move, amuse, and motivate with the same skills.
Read speakers books to cull quotations, pull pearls of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones. Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable.
Make em rhyme, make em clever, or make em funny. Above all, make em relevant.
Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance and fancied myself an eminent poetry reader. I decided to reward the passengers on the next cruise (which was a cruise to the Caribbean and didnt go anywhere in the neighborhood of England) with my spectacular reading of the English love poems. WHAT A BOMB!
Passengers avoided me on the deck for the rest of the cruise. How did you bore me? Let me count the ways.
How to Banter Like the Big Shots Do (Big Winners Tell It Like It Is)
If you stepped into an elevator full of people speaking Hungaian, you might not recognize they were Hungarian unless you spoke their language. However, the minute you opened your mouth, theyd recognize youre not Hungarian.
Its the same with the big cats. If you overhear several of them speaking, you might not recognize theyre big cats. However, the minute you opened your mouth theyd recognize youre not a big cat, unless you spoke their lingo.
What are some differences between a big cats growl and a litle cats insignificant hiss? One of the most blatant is euphemisms. Big cats arent afraid of real words. They call a spade a spade. Words like toilet paper dont scare them. Little cats hide behind bathroom tissue. If somebody is rich, big cats call it rich. Little cats, oh so embarrassed at the concept of talking about money in polite company, substitute the word wealthy. When little cats use a substitute word or euphemism, they might as well be saying, Whoops, you are better than I am. Im in polite company now and so Ill use the nicey-nice word.
Big cats are anatomically correctno cutesy words for body parts.
Theyll say breasts when they mean breasts. When they 127
say knockers, they mean decorative structures that hang on the front door. And family jewels are in the safe on the wall.
If a big cat is ever in doubt about a word, he or she simply resorts to French. If they feel the word buttocks is debatable, deriere will do quite nicely, thank you.
Technique #32
Call a Spade a Spade
Dont hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesnt mean big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent fivand six-letter ones exist. Theyve simply learned the Kings English, and they speak it.
Heres another way to tell the big players from the little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation.
How to Avoid the Worlds Worst Conversational Habit
Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president of an advertising agency, Louis, and his wife, Lillian. The evening started with cocktails, followed by a gourmet meal accompanied by a selection of excellent wines. The conversation had been covivial, the cuisine delicious, and the wine very fine. And very pletiful. At the end of the evening, Louis raised his glass to make a toast. A few wine droplets sloshed out of his glass onto the tablecloth.
A pretty young woman who was the date of a new art diretor named Bob giggled and said, I can tell youre feeling no pain. Shock waves went around the table. Everyone froze. The host was indeed a bit inebriated. However, alluding to Louis being a little looped, even in jest, was as though the woman had suddenly smashed the crystal chandelier above the table with her dinner
plate. One guest quickly covered the girls horrifying gaffe by lifting her glass and saying None of us is. No one in the company of Louis and Lillian could ever feel any pain. Heres to a truly woderful evening.
Louis then continued with his toast to the wonderful copany, and no one was feeling pain any longer. Except Bob. He
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knew his dates innocent teasing was a black mark, if not in his personnel file, on his personal file.
The next sure sign of a little cathood is teasing. Little cats go around patting their friends paunches and saying, Enjoying that cheesecake, huh? Or looking at their balding heads and saying, Hey, hair today, gone tomorrow, huh? They think its hilarious to make a quip at someone elses expense and say You dont have an inferiority complex. You are inferior! Hardy har har.
Technique #33 Trash the Teasing
A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone elses expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because youll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws.
Never, ever, make a joke at anyone elses expense. Youll wind up paying for it, dearly.
How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have Them Like You All the More)
In ancient Egypt, the pharaoh treated the humblest message runer like a prince when he arrived at the palace, if he brought good news. However, if the exhausted runner had the misfortune to bring the pharaoh unhappy news, his head was chopped off.
Shades of that spirit pervade todays conversations. Once a friend and I packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for an outing. As we waltzed happily out the door, picnic basket in hand, a smiling neighbor, rocking away on his porch, looked up at the sky and said, Oh boy, bad day for a picnic. The newcast says its going to rain. I wanted to rub his face in my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not for his gloomy weather report, for his smile.
Several months ago I was racing to catch a bus. As I breatlessly shoved my handful of cash across the Greyhound counter, the grinning sales agent gushed, Oh that bus left five minutes ago. Dreams of decapitation!
Its not the news that makes someone angry. Its the unsypathetic attitude with which its delivered. Everyone must give bad
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news from time to time, and winning professionals do it with the proper attitude. A doctor advising a patient she needs an opertion does it with compassion. A boss informing an employee he didnt get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Grief couselors at airports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken sentment of relatives. Big winners know, when delivering any bad news, they should share the sentiment of the receiver.
Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this sensitivity. When youre weary from a long flight, has a hotel clerk cheerfully chirped that your room isnt ready yet? When you had your heart set on the roast beef, has your waiter merrily warbled that he just served the last piece? When you needed cash for the weekend, has your bank teller gleefully told you your account is overdrawn? It makes you as traveler, diner, or depositor want to put your fist right through their insensitive grins.
Had my neighbor told me of the impending rainstorm with sympathy, I would have appreciated his warning. Had the Grehound salesclerk sympathetically informed me that my bus had already left, I probably would have said, Oh, thats all right.
Technique #34
Its the Receivers Ball
A football player wouldnt last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind.
Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it.
How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have Them Like You All the More) 133
Ill catch the next one. Big winners, when they bear bad news, deliver bombs with the emotion the bombarded person is sure to have.
Big winners know how to give bad news to people. They also know how not to give any news to anyone, even when people are pressuring them. Lets explore that next.
How to Respond When You Dont Want to Answer (and Wish Theyd Shut the Heck Up)
One of my clients Barbara, a ministar in the furniture business, recently separated from her husband and business partner, Frank, a megastar in the furniture business. They suffered a long and messy divorce that resulted in them keeping the business jointly but not having to deal with each other.
Soon after the divorce, I was at an industry convention with Barbara. Since she and Frank were both beloved in the industry, people were curious about what had happened and how it affected their company. But, of course, no one dared ask outright. And Babara was offering no explanations.
I was seated next to Barbara at the gala farewell dinner. Appaently one of her colleagues at the table couldnt contain her curioity any longer. During dessert, she leaned over to Barbara and in a hushed voice asked, Barbara, what happened with you and Frank?
Barbara, unruffled by the rude question, simply took a spooful of her cherries jubilee and said, Weve separated, but the copany is unaffected.
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How to Respond When You Dont Want to Answer 135
Not satisfied with that answer, the woman pumped harder. Are you still working together?
Barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in prcisely the same tone of voice, Weve separated, but the company is
unaffected.
The frustrated interrogator was not going to give up easily. Are you both still working in the company?
Barbara, appearing not the least disturbed by the womans incontinent insistence, scooped the last cherry out of her dish, smiled, looked directly at her, and said in the identical tone of voice, Weve separated, but the company is unaffected.
That shut her up. Barbara had shown her big winners badge by using The Broken Record technique, the most effective way to curtail an unwelcome cross-examination.
Technique #35
The Broken Record
Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off.
HowtoTalktoa Celebrity
Suppose youve just settled in for dinner at a nice restaurant. You look over at the next table, and who do you see? Is it really he? Could it possibly be? Its gotta be a look-alike. No, it isnt! It really is
. . . Woody Allen. (Substitute any celebrity here: your favorite movie star, politician, broadcaster, boss who owns the company that owns the company you work for.) And there the celestial body is in the flesh, sitting not ten feet from you. What should you do?
Nothing! Big shots dont slobber over stars. Let the luminary enjoy a brief moment of anonymity. If he or she should cast a glance in your direction, give a smile and a nod. Then waft your gaze back to your dining companion. You will be a lot cooler in the eyes of your dinner partner if you take it all in your stride.
Now, if you just cant resist this once-in-a-lifetime opportnity to press the flesh of the megastar and tell him or her of your admiration, heres how to do it with grace. Wait until you or the luminary are leaving the restaurant. After the check has been paid and you will obviously not be taking much of his or her time, you may make your approach. Say something like, Mr. Allen, I just want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful films have given me over the years. Thank you so much.
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Did you pick up the subtlety here? You are not complimening his work. After all, he might well ask himself, who are you to judge whether I am a great filmmaker or not? You can only speak from your own perspective. You do this by telling him how much pleasure his work has given you.
If its your bosss bosss bosss boss whom the fates have sent to bask in your adulation, do the same. Do not say Bill or Mr. Gates, you really run a great company.
Lowly geek, he thinks, who are you to judge? Instead, tell him what an honor it is to work for him. Obviously this is not the moment to detail the intricacies of your improvements on imagediting software for digitizing photographs.
Then let your body language express that if Woody or Bill or the other megastar wants to leave it at that, you are happy with the exchange. If, however, the megastar is captivated by you (or has had so much liquid merriment that he or she has decided to mingle with the masses tonight), then all bets are off. Youre on your own. Enjoy! Until you pick up the first body-language sign that they would like to end it. Think of yourself as a ballroom dance student waltzing with your teacher. He leads, you follow. And he tells you when the waltz is over.
Incidentally, if the megastar is with a companion and your conversation goes on for more than a few moments, direct some comments at the companion. If the satellite is in such stellar copany, he or she is probably also an accomplished person.
Felicia, a friend of mine, is a talented trial lawyer who is maried to a local TV-show host. Because Tom is on television, peple recognize him wherever they go, and Felicia gets ignored. Felicia tells me how frustrating it is, even for Tom. Whenever they go to a party, people gush all over Tom, and Felicias fascinating work hardly ever gets mentioned. She and Tom used to love going out to dinner, but now they hide out at home in the evenings.
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Why? Because they cant stand the interruptions of overly effevescent fans.
I Love What You Used to Be [You Has-Been]
Another sensitivity: the film star is probably obsessed with his last film, the politician with her last election, a corporate mogul with his last takeover, an author with her last noveland so forth. So when discussing the stars, the politicians, the moguls, the authors,
or any VIPs work, try to keep your comments to current or recent work. Telling Woody Allen how much you loved his 1980 film Stardust Memories would not endear you to him. What about all my wonderful films since? thinks he. Stick to the present or very recent past if possible.
A final celebrity codicil: Suppose you are fortunate enough to have one at your party. To shine some star light on your party, dont ask the TV host to say a few words. Dont ask the singer
Technique #36
Big Shots Dont Slobber
People who are VIPs in their own right dont slobber over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, dont compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or insight its given you. If you do single out any one of the stars accomplishments, make sure its a recent one, not a memory thats getting yellow in her scrapbook.
If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve him in the conversation.
to sing a song. What looks effortless to the rest of us because they seem so comfortable performing is work for them. You wouldnt ask an accountant guest to look over your books. Or a dentist to check out your third left molar. Let the dignitary drink. Let the luminary laugh. Celebrities are people, too, and they like their time off.
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How to Make Them Want to Thank You
To wrap up our section on sounding like the big boys and big girls, here is a simple and gracious little maneuver. It not only signals people youre a top communicator, but it encourages them to keep doing nice things for you. Or complimenting you. Or doing bus ness with you. Or loving you. It is very short. It is very sweet. It is very simple. You can use it with everyone in your life. When it becomes instinctive, youll find yourself using it every day.
Very simply, never let the phrase thank you stand naked and alone. Always make it thank you for something. People use the bare exposed thank you so often that people dont even hear it anymore. When we buy the morning newspaper, we flash a naked thank you at the vendor when he gives us our nickels change. Is that the same thank you you want to give a valued customer who makes a big purchase in your store? Or a loved one who cooks you a delicious dinner?
Whenever the occasion warrants more than an unconscious acknowledgment, dress up your thank you with the reason:
Thank you for coming. Thank you for being so understanding. 140
How to Make Them Want to Thank You 141
Thank you for waiting. Thank you for being such a good customer. Thank you for being so loving.
Often, when I disembark an airplane, the captain and first officer are standing by the cockpit door to bid the passengers farewell. I say, Thanks for getting us here. Admittedly, thats carying Never the Naked Thank You technique to extremes, but it has a surprising effect. They fall all over themselves with Oh, thanks for flying with us!
Thank you for reading this section of How to Talk to Anyone! Now let us move on to another conversation challenge, how to talk knowledgeably with everyonefrom groups of accountants to Zen Buddhistsno matter how little you might have in common.
Technique #37
Never the Naked Thank You
Never let the phrase thank you stand alone. From A to Z, always follow it with for: from Thank you for asking to Thank you for zipping me up.
