How to Know What to Say After You Say Hi
Just as the first glimpse should please their eyes, your first words should delight their ears. Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed with either Welcome or Go Away! To make your conversation partner feel welcome, you must master small talk.
Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls. Invite them to a party where they dont know anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into their veins.
If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk. When consulting for Fortune 500 companies, I was astounded. Top executives, completely comfortable making big talk with their boards of directors or addressing their stockholders, confessed they felt like little lost children at parties where the pratter was less than prodigious.
Small-talk haters take further consolation from the fact that you are in star-studded company. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing. The butterflies you feel in your stoach when youre in a roomful of strangers flutter round the tummies of top performers. Pablo Casals complained of lifelong stage fright. Carly Simon curtailed live performances because of it. A friend of mine who worked with Neil Diamond said he insisted the words to Song Sung Blue, a tune hed been crooning for forty years, be displayed on his teleprompter, lest fear freeze him into forgetfulness.
Is Small-Talk-a-Phobia Curable?
Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable with drugs. Theyre already experimenting with Prozac to change peoples personalities. But some fear disastrous side effects. The good news is that when human beings think, and genuinely feel, certain emotionslike confidence that they have specific tecniques to fall back onthe brain manufactures its own antidotes. If fear and distaste of small talk is the disease, knowing solid tecniques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure.
Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize its not chance or even upbringing that one person has a belly of butterflies and another doesnt. In our brains, neurons communicate through
chemicals called neurotransmitters. Some people have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, a chemical cousin of adrenaline. For some children, just walking into a kindegarten room makes them want to run and hide under a table.
As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table. As a preteen in an all-girls boarding school, my legs turned to linguine every time I had to converse with a male. In eighth grade, I once had to invite a boy to our school prom. The entire selection of dancing males lived in the dormitory of our brother school. And I only knew one resident, Eugene. I had met Eugene at summer camp the year before. Mustering all my courage, I decided to call him.
Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset of sweaty palms. I put the call off. One week before, rapid heartbeat set in. I put
How to Know What to Say After You Say Hi 45
the call off. Finally, three days before the big bash, breathing became difficult. Time was running out.
The critical moment, I rationalized, would be easier if I read from a script. I wrote out the following: Hi, this is Leil. We met at camp last summer. Remember? (I programmed in a pause where I hoped he would say yes.) Well, National Cathedral Schools prom is this Saturday night and Id like you to be my date. (I programmed in another pause where I prayed hed say yes.)
On Thursday before the dance, I could no longer delay the inevitable. I picked up the receiver and dialed. Clutching the phone waiting for Eugene to answer, my eyes followed perspirtion droplets rolling down my arm and dripping off my elbow. A small salty puddle was forming around my feet. Hello? a s*xy, deep male voice answered the dorm phone.
In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice telemarketer, I shot out, Hi, this is Leil. We-met-at-camplassummer- remember? Forgetting to pause for his assent, I raced on, Well- National-Cathedral-Schools-prom-is-this-Saturday-nigh and-Id- like-you-to-be-my-date.
To my relief and delight, I heard a big, cheerful Oh thats great, Id love to! I exhaled my first normal breath all day. He cotinued, Ill pick you up at the girls dorm at 7:30. Ill have a pink carnation for you. Will that go with your dress? And my name is Donnie.
Donnie? Donnie! Who said anything about Donnie?
Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade. Donnie had buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and
comunications skills that immediately put me at ease.
On Saturday night, Donnie greeted me at the door, carnation in hand and grin on face. He joked self-deprecatingly about how he was dying to go to the prom so, knowing it was a case of mitaken identity, he accepted anyway. He told me he was thrilled
when the girl with the lovely voice called, and he took full responsibility for tricking me into an invitation. Donnie made me comfortable and confident as we chatted. First we made small talk and then he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in. I flipped over Donnie, and he became my very first boyfriend.
Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife through butter. When you master them, you will be ablelike Donnieto melt the heart of everyone you touch.
The goal of How to Talk to Anyone is not, of course, to make you a small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator. However, small talk is the first crucial step toward that goal.
How to Start Great Small Talk
Youve been there. Youre introduced to someone at a party or busness meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet . . . and suddenly your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes come to a screeching halt. You fish for a topic to fill the awkward silence. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction of the cheese tray.
We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling, witty, and insightful. We want our listeners to immediately reognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where everbody was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting. It drove me berserk because most of these same everybodies felt they had to prove it in their first ten words or less!
Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of extremely bright individuals who score in the countrys top 2 pecent in intelligence, invited me to be a keynote speaker at their annual convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to the elevator. The doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with party goers. As we began the journey up to our respective floors, the el vator gave several sleepy jerks.
Hmm, I remarked, in response to the elevators sluggisness, the elevator seems a little flaky. Suddenly, each elevator occupant, feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ, pounced forth with a thunderous explanation. Its obviously got poor rail-guide alignment, announced one. The relay contact is not made up, declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshoper trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldnt wait to escape the attack of the mental giants.
Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and reflected that the Mensans answers were, indeed, interesting. Why then did I have an adverse reaction? I realized it was too much, too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my sluggish state.
You see, small talk is not about facts or words. Its about music, about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. Its about making comforting noises together like cats purring, children humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listeners mood.
Like repeating the note on the music teachers harmonica, top communicators pick up on their listeners tone of voice and duplcate it. Instead of jumping in with such intensity, the Mensans could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying, Yes, it is slow, isnt it? Had they then prefaced their information with, Have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow? I would have responded with a sincere Yes, I have. After a moment of equalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their explantions about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was. And friendships might have started.
Im sure youve suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch. Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed colleague starts pounding you with questions? Or the reverse: youre late, rushing to a meeting, when an associate stops you and starts lazily narrating a long, languorous story. No matter how interesting the tale, you dont want to hear it now.
The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to match your listeners mood, if only for a sentence or two. When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your litener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it Make a Mood Match.
Matching Their Mood Can Make or Break the Sale
Matching customers moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years ago, I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella. It was going to be a triple-whammy party because she was celbrating three events. One, it was Stellas birthday. Two, she was newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed her dream job. She had been my buddy since grade school, and I was floating on air over her birthday-engagement-congratulations bash.
I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an attractive back room for parties. About 5 p.m. one afternoon, I wafted happily into the restaurant and found the seated maโtre d languidly looking over his reservation book. I began excitedly babling about Stellas triple-whammy celebration and asked to see that fabulous back room Id heard so much about. Without a smile or moving a muscle, he said, Zee room ees een zee back. You can go zee eet eef you like.
CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all the party spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stpid space. Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion.
Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering infant, Mama doesnt just shake her finger and shout, Quiet down. No, Mama picks baby up. Mama cries, Ooh, ooh, oh, sympathetically matching babys misery for a few moments. Mama then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hush happy
How to Start Great Small Talk 49
sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you want them to stop crying, start buying, or otherwise come round to your way of thinking.
Technique #10 Make a Mood Match
Before opening your mouth, take a voice sample of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a psychic photograph of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.
How to Sound Like Youve Got a Super Personality (No Matter What Youre Saying!)
Once while at a party, I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club of avid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, and
obvously enthralling his audience. I went over to hearken to this facinating speaker. I joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped for a minute or two. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was saying the most banal things! His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah, but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion, and therefore, he held the group spellbound. It convinced me that its not all what you say, its how you say it.
Whats a Good Opening Line When I Meet People?
I am often asked this question, and I give them the same answer a woman who once worked in my office always gave me. Dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I was leaving for the sandwich shop, Id ask her, Hey Dottie, what can I bring you back for lunch?
Dottie, trying to be obliging, would say, Oh anything is fine with me.
No, Dottie! I wanted to scream. Tell me what you want. Ham n cheese on rye? Bologna on whole wheat, hold the mayo? Peanut butter n jelly with sliced bananas? Be specific. Anything is a hassle. Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line question is Anything! because almost anything you say really is
OKas long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate.
How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.
Why Banal Makes a Bond
Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and brilliant linguistic analyst of Japanese origin. He tells us this story that shows the value of, as he says, unoriginal remarks. 11
In early 1943after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when there were rumors of Japanese spiesHayakawa had to wait seeral hours in a railroad station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He noticed others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously. Because of the war, they were apprehensive about his presence. He later wrote, One couple with a small child was staring with spcial uneasiness and whispering to each other.
So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to set them at ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on so cold a night. The man agreed.
I went on, Hayakawa wrote, to remark that it must be espcially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules
were so uncertain. Again the husband agreed. I then asked the childs age and remarked that their child looked very big
How to Sound Like Youve Got a Super Personality 53
and strong for his age. Again agreement, this time with a slight smile. The tension was relaxing.
After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa, I hope you dont mind my bringing it up, but youre Japanese, arent you? Do you think the Japs have any chance of winning this war?
Well, Hayakawa replied, your guess is as good as mine. I dont know any more than I read in the papers. But the way I fiure it, I dont see how the Japanese, with their lack of coal and steel and oil .
. . can ever beat a powerfully industrialized nation like the United States.
Hayakawa went on, My remark was admittedly neither oriinal nor well informed. Hundreds of radio commentators . . . were saying much the same thing during those weeks. But just because they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with.
The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like genuine relief. His next remark was, Say, I hope your folks arent over there while the war is going on.
Yes, they are, Hayakawa replied. My father and mother and two young sisters are over there.
Do you ever hear from them? the man asked. How can I? Hayakawa answered. Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic.
Do you mean you wont be able to see them or hear from them until after the war is over?
There was more to the conversation but the result was, within ten minutes they had invited Hayakawawhom they initially may have suspected was a Japanese spyto visit them sometime in their city and have dinner in their home. And all because of this brilliant scholars admittedly common and unoriginal small talk. Top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first words should be, like Senator Hayakawas, unoriginal, even banal.
But not indifferent. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sicerity and passion.
Ascent from Banality
It is not necessary, of course, to stay with mundane remarks. If you find your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that.
The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Dont rush it or, like the Mensans, you seem like youre showing off. The bo tom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more than your text.
Anything, Except Liverwurst!
Back to Dottie waiting for her sandwich at her desk. Sometimes as I walked out the door scratching my head wondering what to bring her, shed call after me, Anything, except liverwurst, that is. Thanks, Dottie, thats a little bit of help.
Heres my anything, except liverwurst on small talk. Anthing you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or
Technique #11 Prosaic with Passion
Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80 percent of your listeners impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.
How to Sound Like Youve Got a Super Personality 55 unpleasant. If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint
BLAMpeople label you a complainer. Why? Because that coplaint is your new acquaintances 100 percent sampling of you so far. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they know? If your first comment is a complaint, youre a griper. If your first words are rude, youre a creep. If your first words are unpleaant, youre a stinker. Open and shut.
Other than these downers, anything goes. Ask them where theyre from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit theyre wearingor hundreds of etceteras. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.
Still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers? Lets take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating. Ill give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties then nine more to make small talk not so small.
How to Make People Want to Start a Conversation with You Singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the
benefit of introduction (in the vernacular, making a pickup), have developed a deliciously devious technique that works equally well
for social or corporate networking purposes. The technique requires no exceptional skill on your part, only the courage to sport a simple visual prop called a Whatzit.
Whats a Whatzit? A Whatzit is anything you wear or carry that is unusuala unique pin, an interesting purse, a strange tie, or an amusing hat. A Whatzit is any object that draws peoples attention and inspires them to approach you and ask, Uh, whats that? Your Whatzit can be as subtle or overt as your personality and the occasion permit.
I wear around my neck an outmoded pair of glasses that resebles a double monocle. Often the curious have approached me at a gathering and asked, Whatzit? I explain its a lorgnette left to me by my grandmother, which, of course, paves the way to discuss hatred of glasses, aging eyes, love or loss of grandmothers, adortion of antique jewelryanywhere the inquisitor wants to take it.
Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-tbe- legendary technique. At a gathering, have you ever noticed
How to Make People Want to Start a Conversation with You 57 someone you would like to talk to? Then youve racked your
brain to conjure an excuse to make the approach. What a bounty it was to discover that he or she was wearing some weird, wild, or woderful something you could comment on.
The Whatzit Way to Love
Your Whatzit is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or new romance. My friend Alexander carries Greek worry beads with him wherever he goes. Hes not worried. He knows any woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say, Whats that?
Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose youre at a party. An attractive woman spots you across the room. She wants to talk to you but shes thinking, Well, Mister, youre attractive. But, golly, what can I say to you? You just aint got no Whatzit.
Be a Whatzit Seeker, Too
Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish to approach. Why not express interest in the handkechief in the tycoons vest pocket, the brooch on the bosom of the rich divorcลฝe, or the school ring on the finger of the CEO whose company you want to work for?
The big spender who, you suspect, might buy a hundred of your widgets has a tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, Excuse me, I couldnt
help but notice your attractive lapel pin. Are you a golfer? Me, too. What courses have you played?
Your business cards and your Whatzit are crucial socializing artifacts. Whether you are riding in the elevator, climbing the doorstep, or traversing the path to the party, make sure your Whatzit is hanging out for all to see.
Technique #12
Always Wear a Whatzit
Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your . . . what IS that?
The next quickie technique was originated by doggedly dtermined politicians who dont let one partygoer escape if they think he or she could be helpful to their campaigns. I call it the Whoozat technique.
How to Meet the People You Want to Meet
Say you have scrutinized the body of the important business cotact you want to meet. Youve searched in vain from the tip of his cowlick to the toes of his boots. Hes not sporting a single Whatzit.
If you strike out on finding something to comment on, resort to the Whoozat technique. Like a persistent politician, go to the party giver and say, That man/woman over there looks interesing. Who is he/she? Then ask for an introduction. Dont be heitant. The party giver will be pleased you find one of the guests interesting.
If, however, you are loath to pull the party giver away from his or her other guests, you still can perform Whoozat. This time, dont ask for a formal introduction. Simply pump the party giver for just enough information to launch you. Find out about the strangers jobs, interests, and hobbies.
Suppose the party giver says, Oh, thats Joe Smith. Im not sure what his job is, but I know he loves to ski. Aha, youve just been given the icebreaker you need. Now you make a beeline for Joe Smith. Hi, youre Joe Smith, arent you? Susan was just telling me what a great skier you are. Where do you ski? You get the idea.
Technique #13 Whoozat
Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nopoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to
make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.
Now the third in our little trio of meeting-who-you-want tricks. How to Break into a Tight Crowd
The woman youve decided you MUST meet is wearing no Whatzit? Cant find the host for the Whoozat technique? To make matters worse, shes deep in conversation with a group of her friends. Seems quite hopeless that you will maneuver a meeting, doesnt it? You cant just say, Excuse me, I just thought Id eavedrop in and say Hello.
No obstacle blocks the resolute politician, who always has a trick or ten up his or her sleeve. A politico would resort to the Eavesdrop In technique. Eavesdropping, of course, conjures images of clandestine activitieswiretapping, Watergate breains, or spies skulking around in the murky shadows. Eavesdroping has historical precedent with politicians so, in a pinch, it naturally comes to mind. At parties, stand near the group of people you wish to infitrate.
Then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break into the group. Excuse me, I couldnt help overhearing that you . . . and then whatever is relevant here. For example I couldnt help overhearing your discussion of Bermuda. Im going there next month for the first time. Any suggestions?
Now you are in the circle and can direct your comments to your intended.
Technique #14 Eavesdrop In
No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infitrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with Excuse me, I couldnt help but overhear. . . .
Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it?
Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!
Let us now hop back on the train that first explored Small Talk City and travel to the land of Meaningful Communicating.
How to Make Where Are You From? Sound Exciting
You wouldnt dream of going to a party naked. And I hope you wouldnt dream of letting your conversation be exposed naked and defenseless against the two inevitable assaults Where are you from? and What do you do?
When asked these questions, most people, like clunking a frzen steak on a china platter, drop a brick of frozen geography or baffling job title on the askers conversational platter. Then they slap on the muzzle.
Youre at a convention. Everyone you meet will, of course, ask And where are you from? When you give them the short-form naked-city answer Oh, Im from Muscatine, Iowa (or Mill nocket, Maine; Winnemucca, Nevada; or anywhere they havent heard of ), what can you expect except a blank stare? Even if youre a relatively big city slicker from Denver, Colorado; Detroit, Michgan; or San Diego, California, youll receive a panicked look from all but American history professors. Theyre rapidly racking their brains thinking What do I say next? Even the names of worlclass burgs like New York, Chicago, Washington, and Los Angles inspire less- than-riveting responses. When I tell people Im from New York City, what are they expected to say? Duh, seen any good muggings lately?
Do humanity and yourself a favor. Never, ever, give just a onsentence response to the question, Where are you from? Give the asker some fuel for his tank, some fodder for his trough. Give the hugry communicator something to conversationally nibble on. All it takes is an extra sentence or two about your citysome interesting fact, some witty observationto hook the asker into the conversation.
Several months ago, a trade association invited me to be its keynote speaker on networking and teaching people to be better conversationalists. Just before my speech, I was introduced to Mrs. Devlin, who was the head of the association.
How do you do? she asked. How do you do? I replied. Then Mrs. Devlin smiled, anxiously awaiting a sample of my
stimulating conversational expertise. I asked her where she was from. She plunked a frozen Columbus, Ohio and a big expectant grin on my platter. I had to quickly thaw her answer into digestible conversation. My mind thrashed into action. Leils thought patern: Gulp, Columbus, Ohio. Ive never been there, hmm. Criiny, what do I know about Columbus? I know a fellow named Jeff, a successful speaker who lives there. But Columbus is too big to ask if she knows him . . . and besides only kids play the Do-yoknow-so-and- so game. My panicked silent search continued. I think its named after Christopher Columbus . . . but Im not sure, so I better keep my mouth shut on that one. Four or five other possibilities raced
through my mind but I rejected them all as too obvious, too adolescent, or too off-the-wall.
I realized by now that seconds had passed, and Mrs. Devlin was still standing there with a slowly dissipating smile on her face. She was waiting for me (the expert who, within the hour, was expected to teach her trade association lessons on scintillating coversation) to spew forth words of wit or wisdom.
Oh, Columbus, gee, I mumbled in desperation, watching her face fall into the worried expression of a patient being asked by the surgeon, knife poised in hand, Wheres your appendix?
How to Make Where Are You From? Sound Exciting 65
I never came up with stimulating conversation on Columbus. But, just then, under the knife, I created the following technique for posterity. I call it Never the Naked City.
Different Bait for Shrimp or Sharks
A fisherman uses different bait to bag bass or bluefish. And you will obviously throw out different conversational bait to snag siple shrimp or sophisticated sharks. Your hook should relate to the type of person youre speaking with. Im originally from Wasington, D.C. If someone at, say, an art gallery asked me where I was from, I might answer Washington, D.C.designed, you know, by the same city planner who designed Paris. This opens the conversational possibilities to the artistry of city planning, Paris, other cities plans, European travel, and so forth.
At a social party of singles Id opt for another answer. Im from Washington, D.C. The reason I left is there were seven women to every man when I was growing up. Now the convesation can turn to the ecstasy or agony of being single, the peceived lack of desirable men everywhere, or even flirtatious possibilities.
Technique #15
Never the Naked City
Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, And where are you from? never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer.
Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think youre a great conversationalist.
In a political group, Id cast a current fact from the constantly evolving political face of Washington. No need to speculate on the
multitude of conversational possibilities that unlocks.
Where do you get your conversational bait? Start by phoning the chamber of commerce or historical society of your town. Search the World Wide Web and click on your town, or open an old-fashioned encyclopediaall rich sources for future stimulaing conversations. Learn some history, geography, business statitics, or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends funny bones.
The Devlin debacle inspired further research. The minute I got home, I called the Columbus chamber of commerce and the historical society. Say you, too, are from Columbus, Ohio, and your new acquaintance lays it on you: Where are you from? When you are talking with a businessperson, your answer could be, Im from Columbus, Ohio. You know many major corpor tions do their product testing in Columbus because its so comercially typical. In fact, its been called the most American city in America. They say if it booms or bombs in Columbus, it booms or bombs nationally.
Talking with someone with a German last name? Tell her about Columbuss historic German Village with the brick streets and the wonderful 1850s-style little houses. Its bound to inspire stories of the old country. Your conversation partners surname is Italian? Tell him Genoa, Italy, is Columbuss sister city.
Talking with an American history buff ? Tell him that Colubus was, indeed, named after Christopher Columbus and that a replica of the Santa Maria is anchored in the Scioto River. Taling with a student? Tell her about the five universities in Columbus.
The possibilities continue. You suspect your conversation parner has an artistic bent? Ah, you throw out casually, Columbus is the home of artist George Bellows.
Columbusites, prepare some tasty snacks for askers even if you know nothing about them. Heres a goodie. Tell them you
How to Make Where Are You From? Sound Exciting 67
always have to say Columbus, Ohio because there is also a Clumbus, Arkansas; Columbus, Georgia; Columbus, Indiana; Columbus, Kansas; Columbus, Kentucky; Columbus, Mississippi; Columbus, Montana; Columbus, Nebraska; Columbus, New Jesey; Columbus, New Mexico; Columbus, North Carolina; Colubus, North Dakota; Columbus, Pennsylvania; Columbus, Texas; and Columbus, Wisconsin. That spreads the conversational possbilities to fifteen other states. Remember, as a quotable notable once said,
No man would listen to you talk if he didnt know it was his turn next.
A postscript to the hellish experience I had with Columbus. Months later, I mentioned the trauma to my speaker friend from Columbus, Jeff. Jeff explained his house was really in a smaller town just minutes outside Columbus.
What town, Jeff ?
Gahanna, Ohio. Gahanna means hell in Hebrew, he said, and then went on to explain why he thought ancient Hebrew hitorians were clairvoyant.
Thanks, Jeff, I knew youd never lay a naked city on any of your listeners.
How to Come Out a Winner Every Time They Ask, And What Do You Do?
Third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance will soon chirp, And what do you do? (Is it fitting and proper they should make that query? Well pick up that sticky wicket later.) For the moment, these few defensive moves help you keep your crackerjack communicator credentials when asked the inevitable question.
First, like Never the Naked City, dont toss a short-shrift answer in response to the askers breathless inquiry. You leave the poor fish flopping on the deck when you just say your title: Im an actuary/an auditor/an author/an astrophysicist. Have mercy so he or she doesnt feel like a nincompoop outsider asking, What, er, kind of actuizing (auditing, authoring, or astrophysizing) do you do?
Youre an attorney. Dont leave it to laymen to try to figure out what you really do. Flesh it out. Tell a little story your converstion partner can get a handle on. For example, if youre talking with a young mother say, Im an attorney. Our firm specializes in employment law. In fact, now Im involved in a case where a comHow to Come Out a Winner Every Time They Ask, And What Do You Do? 69
Technique #16 Never the Naked Job
When asked the inevitable And what do you do, you may think Im an economist/an educator/an engineer is giving enough information to engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist, educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying Im a paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.
Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, theyll soon excuse themselves, preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray.
pany actually discharged a woman for taking extra maternity leave that was a medical necessity. A mother can relate to that.
Talking with a business owner? Say Im an attorney. Our firm specializes in employment law. My current case concerns an employer who is being sued by one of her staff for asking personal questions during the initial job interview. A business owner can relate to that.
Painful Memories of Naked Job Flashers
I still harbor painful recollections of being tongue-tied when cofronted by naked job flashers. Like the time a fellow at a dinner party told me, Im a nuclear scientist. My weak Oh, that must be fascinating reduced me to a mental molecule in his eyes.
The chap on my other side announced, Im in industrial abrsives, and then paused, waiting for me to be impressed. My Well, er, golly, you must have to be a shrewd judge of character to be in
industrial abrasives didnt fly either. We three sat in silence the rest of the meal.
Just last month a new acquaintance bragged, Im planning to teach Tibetan Buddhism at Truckee Meadows Community Colege, and then clammed up. I knew less about Truckee Meadows than I did about Tibetan Buddhism. Whenever people ask you what you do, give them some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they can catch their breath and say something.
How to Introduce People Like the Host(ess) with the Most(est)
It is important to help newlymets through their first nervous moments.
Susan, Id like you to meet John Smith. John, this is Susan Jones.
Duh, what do you expect John and Susan to say?
Smith? Umm, thats S-M-I-T-H, isnt it? Uh, er, golly, Susan, well, now, theres an interesting name. Nice-try-forget-it. Dont blame John or Susan for being less
than scintillating. The fault lies with the person who introduced the two the way most people introduce their friends to each otherwith naked names. They cast out a line with no bait for people to sink their teeth into.
Big winners may not talk a lot, but conversation never dies unwillingly in their midst. They make sure of it with techniques like
Never the Naked Introduction. When they introduce peple, they buy an insurance policy on the conversation with a few simple add-ons: Susan, Id like you to meet John. John has a woderful boat we took a trip on last summer. John, this is Susan Smith. Susan is editor in chief of Shoestring Gourmet magazine.
Padding the introduction gives Susan the opportunity to ask what kind of boat John has or where the group went. It gives John an opening to discuss his love of writing. Or of cooking. Or of
food. The conversation can then naturally expand to travel in geeral, life on boats, past vacations, favorite recipes, restaurants, bugets, diets, magazines, editorial policyto infinity.
If youre not comfortable mentioning someones job during the introduction, mention their hobby or even a talent. The other day at a gathering, the hostess introduced a man named Gilbert. She said, Leil, Id like you to meet Gilbert. Gilberts gift is sculping. He makes beautiful wax carvings. I remember thinking, Giftnow thats a lovely way to introduce someone and induce conversation.
Armed with these two personality enhancers, three converstion igniters, and three small extenders, it is time to take a step up the communications ladder. Let us now rise from small talk and seek the path to more meaningful dialogue. The next technique is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for your converstion partner.
Technique #17
Never the Naked Introduction
When introducing people, dont throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then youre free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.
How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation
Even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while making love, Is it good for you, too, Honey? knows not to ask a colleague, Is the conversation good for you, too? Yet he woders . . . we all do. With the following technique, set your mind at rest. You can definitely make the conversation hot for anyone with whom you speak. Like my prom date, Donnie, you will miraculously find subjects to engross your listeners.
Be a Sleuth on Their Slips of the Tongue
No matter how elusive the clue, Sherlock Holmes is confident hell soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass. Like the unerring detective, big winners know, no matter how elusive the clue, theyll find the right topic. How? They become word detectives.
I have a young friend, Nancy, who works in a nursing home. Nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about how crotchety and laconic some of her patients are. She laments she has difficulty relating to them.
Nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman named Mrs. Otis, whom she could never get to open up to her.
One day, Nancy confided, right after all those rainstorms we had last week, just to make conversation, I remarked to Mrs. Otis, Terrible storms we had last week, dont you think? Well, Nancy continued, Mrs. Otis practically jumped down my throat. She said in a snippy voice, Its been good for the plants. I asked Nancy how she responded to that.
What could I say? Nancy answered. The woman was obvously cutting me off.
Did you ever think to ask Mrs. Otis if she liked plants? Plants? Nancy asked. Well, yes, I suggested. Mrs. Otis brought the subject up.
I asked Nancy to do me a favor. Ask her, I begged. Nancy rsisted, but I persisted. Just to quiet me down, Nancy promised to ask cantankerous old Mrs. Otis if she liked plants.
The next day, a flabbergasted Nancy called me from work. Leil, how did you know? Not only did Mrs. Otis love plants, but she told me shed been married to a gardener. Today I had a diferent problem with Mrs. Otis. I couldnt shut her up! She went on and on about her garden, her husband. . . .
Top communicators know ideas dont come out of nowhere. If Mrs. Otis thought to bring up plants, then she must have some relationship with them. Furthermore, by mentioning the word, it meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants.
Suppose, for example, instead of responding to Nancys coment about the rain with Its good for the plants, Mrs. Otis had said, Because of the rain, my dog couldnt go out. Nancy could then ask about her dog. Or suppose she grumbled, Its bad for my arthritis. Can you guess what old Mrs. Otis wants to talk about now?
When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a good detective, listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual references: any anomaly, deviation, digression, or invocation of
How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation 75
another place, time, person. Ask about it because its the clue to what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing.
If two people have something in common, when the shared interest comes up, they jump on it naturally. For example, if somone mentions playing squash (bird-watching or stamp collecting) and the listener shares that passion, he or she pipes up, Oh, youre a squasher (or birder or philatelist), too!
Heres the trick: theres no need to be a squasher, birder, or philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm. You can simply Be a Word Detective. When you pick up on the reference as though it excites you, too, it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to. (The subject may put your feet to sleep, but thats another story.)
Now that youve ignited stimulating conversation, lets explore a technique to keep it hot.
Technique #18
Be a Word Detective
Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation partners every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject thats hot for the other person.
How to Enthrall Em with Your Choice of TopicThem!
Several years ago, a girlfriend and I attended a party saturated with a hodgepodge of swellegant folks. Everyone we talked to seemed to lead a nifty life. Discussing the party afterward, I asked my friend, Diane, of all the exciting people at the party, who did you enjoy talking to most?
Without hesitation she said, Oh by far, Dan Smith. What does Dan do? I asked her. Uh, well, Im not sure, she answered. Where does he live?
Uh, I dont know, Diane responded. Well, what is he interested in? Well, we really didnt talk about his interests. Diane, I asked, what did you talk about? Well, I guess we talked mostly about me. Aha, I thought. Diane has just rubbed noses with a winner. As it turns out, I had the pleasure of meeting Big-Winner Dan
several months later. Dianes ignorance about his life piqued my curiosity so I grilled him for details. As it turns out, Dan lives in Paris, has a beach home in the south of France, and a mountain home in the Alps. He travels around the world producing sound and light shows for pyramids and ancient ruinsand he is an avid hang
How to Enthrall Em with Your Choice of TopicThem! 77
glider and scuba diver. Does this man have an interesting life or what? Yet Dan, when meeting Diane, said nothing about himself.
I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how little she learned about his life. Dan simply replied, Well, when I meet someone, I learn so much more if I ask about their life. I always try to turn the spotlight on the other person. Truly cofident people often do this. They know they grow more by listeing than talking. Obviously, they also captivate the talker.
Sell Yourself with a Top Sales Technique
Several months ago at a speakers convention, I was talking with a colleague Brian Tracy. Brian does a brilliant job of training top salespeople. He tells his students of a giant spotlight that, when shining on their product, is not as interesting to the prospect. When they shine the spotlight on the prospect, they make the sale.
Salespeople, this technique is especially crucial for you. Keep your Swiveling Spotlight aimed away from you, only lightly on your product, and most brightly on your buyer. Youll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product.
Technique #19
The Swiveling Spotlight
When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When youre talking, the spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking, its shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you.
How to Never Need to Wonder, What Do I Say Next?
Moments arise, of course, when even conversationalists extraordnaire hit the wall. Some folks monosyllabic grunts leave slim picings even for masters of the Be a Word Detective technique. If you find yourself futilely fanning the embers of a dying conversation (and if you feel for political reasons or human copassion that the conversation should continue), heres a foolproof trick to get the fire blazing again. I call it Parroting after that
beautiful tropical bird that captures everyones heart simply by repeating other peoples words.
Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the background tuned to a tennis game? You hear the ball going back and forth over the netklink-klunk, klink-klunk, klink . . . this time you dont hear the klunk. The ball didnt hit the court. What happened? You immediately look up at the set.
Likewise in conversation, the conversational ball goes back and forth. First you speak, then your partner speaks, you speak . . . and so it goes, back and forth. Each time, through a series of nods and comforting grunts like um hum, or umm, you let your co versation partner know the ball has landed in your court. Its your I got it signal. Such is the rhythm of conversation.
How to Never Need to Wonder, What Do I Say Next? 79 What Do I Say Next?
Back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to speak but your mind goes blank. Dont panic. Instead of signaing verbally or nonverbally that you got it, simply repeator parrotthe last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partners court.
My friend Phil sometimes picks me up at the airport. Usually I am so exhausted that I rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat, relegating Phil to nothing more than a chauffeur.
After one especially exhausting trip some years ago, I flung my bags in his trunk and flopped onto the front seat. As I was dozing off, he mentioned hed gone to the theater the night before. Usually I would have just grunted and wafted into unconsciouness. However, on this particular trip, I had learned the Paroting technique and was eager to try it. Theater? I parroted quizzically.
Yes, it was a great show, he replied, fully expecting it to be the last word on the subject before I fell into my usual sleepy stupor.
Great show? I parroted. Pleasantly surprised by my interest, he said, Yes, its a new show by Stephen Sondheim called Sweeney Todd.
Sweeney Todd ? I again parroted. Now Phil was getting fired up. Yeah, great music and an unbelievably bizarre story. . . .
Bizarre story? I parroted. Well, thats all Phil needed. For the next half an hour, Phil told me the shows story about a Lodon barber who went around murdering people. I half dozed, but soon
decided his tale of Sweeney Todds cutting off peoples heads was disturbing my sleepy reverie. So I simply backed up and paroted one of his previous phrases to get him on another track.
You said it had great music?
That did the trick. For the rest of the forty-five-minute trip to my home, Phil sang me Pretty Women, The Best Pies in Lodon, and other songs from Sweeney Toddmuch better accopaniment for my demi-nap. Im sure, to this day, Phil thinks of that trip as one of the best conversations we ever had. And all I did was parrot a few of his phrases.
Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customers real objections when its so easy to shake them out of the trees with Parroting?
Parroting Your Way to Profits
Parroting is also a can opener to pry open peoples real feelings. Star salespeople use it to get to their prospects emotional objetions, which they often dont even articulate to themselves. A friend of mine, Paul, a used-car salesman, told me he credits a recent sale of a Lamborghini to Parroting.
Paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife, who had expressed interest in a sensible car. He was showing them every sensible Chevy and Ford on the lot. As they were looing at one very sensible family car, Paul asked the husband what he thought of it. Well, he mused, Im not sure this car is right
Technique #20 Parroting
Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.
How to Never Need to Wonder, What Do I Say Next? 81
for me. Instead of moving on to the next sensible car, Paul paroted Right for you? Pauls questioning inflection signaled the prospect that he needed to say more.
Well, er, yeah, the prospect mumbled. Im not sure it fits my personality.
Fits your personality? Paul again parroted. You know, maybe I need something a little more sporty. A little more sporty? Paul parroted. Well, those cars over there look a little more sporty. Aha! Pauls parrot had ferreted out which cars to show the customer. As they walked over toward a Lamborghini on the lot, Paul saw the
prospects eyes light up. An hour later, Paul had pocketed a fat commission.
Want to take a rest from talking to save your throat? This next technique gets your conversation partner off and running so all you have to do is listen (or even sneak off unnoticed as he or she chats congenially away).
How to Get Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!)
Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime, Daddy, Daddy, tell me the story again of the three little pigs (or the dancing princesses or how you and Mommy met). Daddy knows Junior enjoyed the story so much the first time, he wants to hear it again and again.
Junior inspires the following technique called Encore! which serves two purposes. Encore! makes a colleague feel like a hapy dad, and its a great way to give dying conversation a heart transplant.
I once worked on a ship that had Italian officers and mostly American passengers. Each week, the deck officers were required to attend the captains cocktail party. After the captains address in charmingly broken English, the officers invariably clumped together yakking it up in Italian. Needless to say, most of the pasengers grasp of Italian ended at macaroni, spaghetti, salami, and pizza.
As cruise director, it fell on my shoulders to get the officers to mingle with the passengers. My not-so-subtle tactic was to grab one of the officers arms and literally drag him over to a smiling throng of expectant passengers. I would then introduce the offcer and pray that either the cat would release his tongue, or a pasHow to Get Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!) 83
senger would come up with a more original question than Gee, if all you officers are here, who is driving the boat? Never hapened. I dreaded the weekly captains cocktail party.
One night, sleeping in my cabin, I was awakened by the ship rocking violently from side to side. I listened and the engines were off. A bad sign. I grabbed my robe and raced up to the deck. Through the dense fog, I could barely discern another ship not half a mile from us. Five or six officers were grasping the starboard guardrail and leaning overboard. I rushed over just in time to see a man in the moonlight with a bandage over one eye struggling up our
violently rocking ladder. The officers immediately whisked him off to our ships hospital. The engines started again and we were on our way.
The next morning I got the full story. A laborer on the other ship, a freighter, had been drilling a hole in an engine cylinder. While he was working, a sharp, needle-thin piece of metal shot like a missile into his right eye. The freighter had no doctor on board so the ship broadcast an emergency signal.
International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal must respond. Our ship came to the rescue and the seaman, clutching his bleeding eye, was lowered into a lifeboat that brought him to our ship. Dr. Rossi, our ships doctor, was successfully able to remove the needle from the workmans eye, thus saving his eyesight.
Tell Em About the Time You . . .
Cut to the next captains cocktail party. Once again I was faced with the familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle and make small talk with the passengers. I made my weekly trek to the laconic officers throng to drag one or two away and, this time, my hand fell on the arm of the ships doctor. I hauled him over to the nearest group of grinning passengers and introduced him. I then
said, Just last week Dr. Rossi saved the eyesight of a seaman on another ship after a dramatic midnight rescue. Dr. Rossi, Im sure these folks would love to hear about it.
It was like a magic wand. To my amazement, it was as though Dr. Rossi was blessed instantly with the tongues of angels. His prviously monosyllabic broken English became thickly accented elquence. He recounted the entire story for the growing group of passengers gathering around him. I left the throng that Dr. Rossi enraptured to pull another officer over to an awaiting audience.
I grabbed the captains stripe-covered arm, dragged him over to another pack of smiling passengers and said, Captain Cafiero, why dont you tell these folks about the dramatic midnight rescue you made last week? The cat released Cafieros tongue and he was off and running.
Back to the throng to get the first officer for the next group. By now I knew I had a winner. Signor Salvago, why dont you tell these folks how you awakened the captain at midnight last week for the dramatic midnight rescue?
By then it was time to go back to extract the ships doctor from the first bevy and take him to his next pack of passengers. It worked
even better the second time. He happily commenced his Encore! for the second audience. As he chatted away, I raced back to the captain to pull him away for a second telling with another throng. I felt like the circus juggler who keeps all the plates spinning on sticks. Just as I got one conversation spinning, I had to race back to the first speaker to give him a whirl at another audience.
The captains cocktail parties were a breeze for me for the rest of the season. The three officers loved telling the same story of their heroism to new people every cruise. The only problem was I noticed the stories getting longer and more elaborate each time. I had to adjust my timing in getting them to do a repeat perfomance for the next audience.
How to Get Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!) 85
Play It Again, Sam
Encore! is what appreciative audiences chant when they want another song from the singer, another dance from the dancer, another poem from the poet, and in my case, another storytelling from the officers. Encore! is the technique you can use to request a repeat story from a prospect, potential employer, or valued acquaintance. While the two of you are chatting with a group of people, simply turn to him and say, John, I bet everyone would love to hear about the time you caught that thirty-pound striped bass. Or, Susan, tell everyone that story you just told me of how you rescued the kitten from the tree. He or she will, of course, demure. Insist! Your conversation partner is secretly loving it. The subtext of your request is That story of yours was so terrific, I want my other friends to hear it. After all, only crowd pleasers are asked to do an Encore!
Technique #21 Encore!
The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is Encore! Encore! Lets hear it again! The sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when youre talking with a group of people is Tell them about the time you . . .
Whenever youre at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.
The added benefit of this technique is that, once youve got them up and running with their conversation, you can sneak off and find more interesting company!
One word of warning: make sure the story you request is one in which the teller shines. No one wants to retell the time they lost the sale, cracked up the car, or broke up the bar and spent the night in jail. Make sure your requested Encore! is a positive story where they come out the big winner, not the buffoon.
The full beauty of this technique will hit you like a happy thunderbolt the first time you use it with someone who is telling a long and wearisome tale. You simply tiptoe away and let the bore spin the story on and on with your friend. (Of course, your friend may never speak to you again. But thats not germaine to this chapter!)
The next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of your life.
How to Come Across as a Positive Person
Often people think when they meet someone they like, they should share a secret, reveal an intimacy, or make a confession of sorts to show they are human too. Airing your youthful battle with bed-wetting, teeth grinding, or thumb suckingor your present struggle with gout or a goitersupposedly endears you to the masses.
Well, sometimes it does. One study showed that if someone is above you in stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer to you.The holes in the bottom of presidential candidate Adlai Stevensons shoes charmed a nation, as did George H. W. Bushs shocking admission that he couldnt stomach broccoli.
If youre on sure footing, say a superstar who wants to become friends with a fan, go ahead and tell your devotees about the time you were out of work and penniless. But if youre not a superstar, better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later. People dont know you well enough to put your foible in context.
Later in a relationship, telling your new friend youve been thrice married, you got caught shoplifting as a teenager, and you got turned down for a big job may be no big deal. And that may be the extent of what could be construed as black marks on an otherwise flawless life of solid relationships, no misdemeanors, and
an impressive professional record. But very early in a relationship, the instinctive reaction is What else is coming? If he shares that with me so quickly, what else is he hiding? A closetful
of espouses, a criminal record, walls papered with rejection letters? Your new acquaintance has no way of knowing your confession was a generous act, a well-intentioned revelation, on your part.
So far, in this section, you have found assertive methods for meeting people and mastering small talk. The next is both an assertive and defensive move to help spare you that pasty smile we tend to sport when we have no idea what people are talking about.
Technique #22
Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive
When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But nows the time, as the old song says, to ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.
How to Always Have Something Interesting to Say
Youve heard folks whine, I cant go to the party, I havent got a thing to wear. When was the last time you heard, I cant go to the party, I havent got a thing to say?
When going to a gathering with great networking possibilties, you naturally plan your outfit and make sure your shoes will match. And, of course, you must have just the right tie or correct color lipstick. You puff your hair, pack your business cards, and youre off.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Didnt you forget the most important thing? What about the right conversation to enhance your image? Are you actually going to say anything that comes to mindor doesntat the moment? You wouldnt don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the darkened closet, so you shouldnt leave your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when faing a group of expectant, smiling faces. You will, of course, folow your instincts in conversation. But at least be prepared in case inspiration doesnt hit.
The best way to ensure youre conversationally in the swing of things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave. Whats hapening right now in the worldall the fires, floods, air disasters, toppled governments, and stock market crashespulverizes into
great conversational fodder, no matter what crowd youre circlating in.
It is with some embarrassment that I must attribute the folowing technique to a businesswoman in the worlds oldest prfession. For a
magazine article I was writing, I interviewed one of the savviest operators in her field, Sidney Biddle Barrows, the famed Mayflower Madam.
Sidney told me she had a house rule when she was in business. All of her female independent contractors were directed to keep up with the daily news so they could be good conversationalists with their clients. This was not just Sidneys whim. Feedback from her employees had revealed that 60 percent of her girls work hour was spent in chatting and only 40 percent in satisfying the cutomers needs. Thus she instructed them to read the daily newpaper or listen to a radio broadcast before leaving for an
Technique #23
The Latest News . . . Dont Leave Home Without It
The last move to make before leaving for the party even after youve given yourself final approval in the mirroris to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybodys talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public, especially when its surrounded by egg-on- face.
How to Always Have Something Interesting to Say 91 appointment. Sidney told me when she initiated this rule, her
busness increased significantly. Reports came back from her clients complimenting her on the fascinating women she had working for her. The consummate businesswoman, Ms. Barrows always strove to exceed her customers expectations.
Ready for the big leagues of conversation? Lets go.
