gentle self-talk: find the compassionate

observer

when you have functional barriers, things pile up fast. It’s not uncommon to suddenly find yourself in an overwhelming mess. The more you stare at it, the more defeated you feel, the less motivation you have, the more you avoid it, and the more it piles up.

One reason that popular programs for cleaning don’t work for everyone is that they so often fail to address what is happening

emotionally around the task. When we find ourselves struggling with care tasks, we can usually identify two voices:

the inner bully

When we are stuck in this cycle, we often are suffering under the constant barrage of our inner bully. “Look at this filth; you are so lazy.” “How could you let it get like this?” “You don’t deserve a shower; look what you’ve done to your room.”

the little self

In turn, our little self (the one being bullied) grieves. “Why is this so easy for other people?” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m failing.”

This right here is an abusive relationship and someone needs to step in. That someone is you. Wait, you are bullying yourself and you

are going to step in? Yes. There is a third voice in there. Think back to

the last kind thing you did for another human or animal. Remember the compassion you felt? The gentleness with which you helped

them? That person. This is your compassionate self. This self feels empathy for others because they are worthy of love, and this self wants to give it to them.

Do you remember the last time you observed beauty? Maybe it was the way your daughter’s hair curled at the nape of her neck. Or the way your partner laughed. A sunset, a flower, a rainy day that made you feel peaceful. That person is in there too. That is your

observant self. They see things from the outside with an eye for what is worthy. This person is your compassionate observer. And they are about to step in.

the compassionate observer

The next time the bully starts talking and the little self starts shrinking, you can call on your compassionate observer self. They say to the bully, “You are not being helpful and I need you to stop.” And they turn to the little self and say, “I know you are in pain, and I know you feel like you are failing. But you aren’t. It’s not a moral

failing to be untidy. Being unwell and struggling do not make you

unworthy of kindness. You are going to be okay. I am here with you.” Think of what you would say to a friend who was struggling and turn the message inward.

We know now that care tasks are morally neutral and have nothing to do with being a good or bad person. We also are learning that we deserve kindness regardless of our level of functioning. Now it’s time to practice internalizing it by letting our compassionate observer rein in the inner bully and show kindness to the little self.

A literal explanation: All of the thoughts in your head come from you. Sometimes you have angry thoughts about yourself such as, “God, I’m so worthless!” and sometimes you have sad thoughts

about yourself like, “I really wish someone could help me and I feel alone.” This exercise is about purposefully preparing to respond to any angry thoughts—either in your mind or in a journal—with

something that is kind, the way you would with a friend. If a friend said, “I am so worthless,” you might say, “I think it’s pretty normal to make mistakes. That doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy.” When you

think sad thoughts, you can respond the way you would comfort a friend: “I’m sorry you feel alone. It’s okay to cry.” Even though you know it’s still you saying it to yourself and even if you don’t believe it yet, the exercise begins to help you decrease the number of

distressing thoughts you have over time.

The Compassionate Observer is a concept created by Kristin Neff, PhD. She has this and more exercises for cultivating self- compassion at https://self-c mpassio n.or g/.

Shortcut: skip to chapter 10.